Participants: Xavier Morales (Host), Gordon Fraser, Denry White
Series Code: AFH
Program Code: AFH000003A
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00:01 A good father takes time to play
00:05 He has strong integrity 00:07 He is someone that is truly dedicated 00:12 He is not afraid to show his love 00:15 He is a caring provider 00:19 And, he's a kind spiritual leader 00:22 These are just a few ways to describe a father's heart. 00:30 Hi, welcome to A Father's Heart. I'm your host Xavier 00:34 Now today, Perfection that's the topic. 00:37 Perfection, are you Father of the Year? 00:39 I'm here to burst your bubble. You're not. 00:41 We're not perfect, nor is anybody perfect. 00:45 So today we'll be discussing that. And with me 00:47 to discuss this are Denry and Gordon. 00:50 How are you guys doin today? 00:51 Good, pretty good. I'm, feelin perfect. You feelin perfect? 00:54 Man, so what is that about? Are you Father of the Year? 00:58 Are we Fathers of the Year? 01:00 I've been Father of the Year now for 9 consecutive years. 01:03 And you can see it in my resume. At home if you ask my kids 01:08 Ok, alright. Let me stop. No, No. Of course not. No I'm not 01:12 perfect, you know. And sometimes I try to be but I've ended up 01:17 just workin myself to death. 01:19 So I mean we dress the part 01:22 act the part, we look the part 01:24 what do we do with that? Are we in character are we that part? 01:29 I don't know about you but I don't think I'm that part 01:34 I try to be that but I always fall short. 01:38 You know I can't live up to that perfect standard 01:43 as a father and I have a wife that always keeps me grounded 01:47 when I think I'm perfect she lets me know that 01:50 you're really not perfect. 01:51 So we're not perfect then. Why not get comfortable? 01:56 I agree man because this suit is pretty tight 01:59 We're not perfect. I'm not perfect. 02:01 Tired of wearing this monkey suit. 02:04 Tired of playing games with this man because you know 02:07 try to be perfect, ah this is comfortable 02:11 You know what? In fact, in fact you know what? 02:13 Let's just take off these shoes. I can take it off, Oh man 02:16 You know, Ah! Relax, Here it is. 02:19 Right here, this right here. This is what a father 02:22 Yeah. Father heart right? This is what we do. 02:26 This is much better. This is more fun. Relaxed. Hmmm 02:28 So what about our children though. Do they expect us 02:31 to look that part? Do they expect us to act that part? 02:33 I think this is what our children are really looking 02:36 forward to. When we try to wear, and I'm not talkin about the suit 02:42 I mean, of course, in context there's times when you dress up 02:45 I'm not talkin about that. I'm talkin about when you try to be 02:48 a professional father. Some of us are tryin to be professional 02:51 fathers. And when you try to be professional you are 02:54 goal oriented. You are always I gotta do better, I mean I'm 02:58 I've accomplished this, your time management. But children are not 03:02 property. They're not another client. These are your children 03:06 And sometimes all they simply just want is just your time. 03:11 Just to play, to bond that's it. For them that's a perfect father 03:17 You give them daily, not monthly not when you can, but daily 03:23 bonding time I think that's what it is to be a perfect father. 03:28 Yeah they're not looking for perfection in their fathers 03:32 No way. What they're looking for is love, what they're looking 03:35 for is just to know that they're important. 03:38 And being able as a father to single out some times you know 03:43 you've got 30 minutes today and my 30 minutes is for you 03:47 I'm going to take my phone off you know put the phone away 03:53 just so that you and that child spend one on one time 03:57 That's what they're looking for more than anything else. 04:01 What about the Bible says, Be ye perfect as your Father in heaven 04:05 is perfect, though. Ohhh. I see our side game is on point today 04:10 you know, side game is on point I'm trying to be imperfect but 04:13 not matching. You know what I'm just saying, if our side game 04:17 is on point and the Bible says Be perfect as your Father in 04:19 heaven is perfect, why can't we, what is perfection? 04:23 you know in accordance to the Father in heaven 04:25 that's given to us. You wanna try that one? 04:28 Yeah I'll start you finish off because you do much better 04:31 at finish in making sense of whatever I started 04:33 But I think, see, our human mind sees perfection as perfect 04:43 flawless, never doing anything wrong, never makin any mistake 04:47 But in the context of Matthew chapter 5. Jesus is talking 04:51 about God's love. How perfect God's love is and how complete 04:56 that He's so perfect in His love that He is willing 05:00 to take a slap on His cheek. He is slow to be angry with us 05:06 He is so loving towards us that He is always looking to bless us 05:12 as His people. And so being perfect like God, 05:16 just like we say, is making time for each other 05:20 Making time, demonstrating the love of God to each other 05:25 not trying to walk around you know, head high, you know 05:30 being the perfect dad, being the perfect such and such 05:33 because you gonna fall and because we're sinful 05:37 there's gonna be a point where we just break. 05:40 That's why a lot of people I think, like mentally unstable 05:44 because they break because they're trying to be this 05:49 this thing in the air that they can never reach 05:52 So wait a minute, if I'm the perfect father you talk about 05:59 Christ's perfection, being perfect as the Father in heaven 06:03 is perfect. So if my child messes up, yeah, they're 06:11 choosin a different lifestyle and I don't wanna go there 06:15 but they're choosin a different lifestyle than me whether 06:18 it's a lifestyle or drinking, smoking whatever it is 06:23 what is my role as a father? To shun them because I'm so 06:26 perfect, I'm so good or should I be inclined like the Heavenly 06:32 Father when the prodigal son went away in that analogy 06:37 when the prodigal son went away, to be that father that waits 06:40 with love, hopin and prayin for that child to return? 06:45 Is that what we're talkin about? 06:46 I mean, help me out. Yeah I mean for example though 06:51 let's bring it back over to this. My dad was perfect in accordance 06:58 to Puerto Rican culture. He taught me to fix cars, 07:03 he taught me how to work with lumber, build things, fix things 07:07 but emotionally, I didn't learn how to cope with my emotions 07:13 because that was not the manly thing to do. 07:16 You know you don't express emotions. But I learned how to 07:20 fix cars, I learned how to build things with my bare hands 07:24 I learned how to provide for my family but the one thing I 07:27 didn't learn was how to be a priest to my family. 07:30 Mercy. So how do we deal with that in today's context 07:34 is it a cultural perfection or a God given perfection that 07:39 we seek. How do we become fathers? Like good fathers. 07:44 Like the one we serve, like the one we have as our heavenly 07:46 father? How do we accomplish that feat? 07:50 You wanna go? Go ahead. Let's look back at Matthew 5 07:54 The text you're talkin about, the last verse 07:57 Be perfect as your Father in Heaven is perfect but let's put 07:59 that in a parenting sense, ok? So the first couple of verses 08:04 Bless your children they're poor in spirit, you know, fathers 08:08 should always bless their children, alright? That their 08:11 children should be such a priority in their life 08:15 that even their presence should always be a blessing 08:19 for their children. Fathers should be slow to be angry 08:23 with their children and not be angry for no cause 08:26 Uh Huh. Right? Don't put the children down calling them names 08:31 You know. Always lift, we've talked about this before. 08:35 Always lifting them up, lifting your children up, you know 08:39 lift everyone up. So when you look at that, put those into 08:44 practice, even when Jesus talks about divorce, that we shouldn't 08:47 be always ready to, a lot of times I, sometimes I even get 08:51 frustrated when I just, ahhh just go to your room, you know 08:56 like you just always want to get rid of them, you know 08:59 that's not how God deals with us. When we look at how the 09:02 Father deals with us, slow to anger, He never calls us names 09:08 always lifts us up, right? He's patient with us and He always 09:12 when we are tryin to run from Him, He's pullin us to Him 09:17 The more we run, the more we want and you mentioned the 09:20 Prodigal Son and I think one of the points we miss out in the 09:23 Prodigal Son story is the fact of training your child up 09:27 in the way he should go. Notice the son when all his money 09:31 was gone, right? When all his friends were gone what did he 09:35 remember? His father. If that wasn't in his training 09:41 if he didn't have that relationship with his father 09:43 he would never. I worked in mental health and unfortunately 09:46 I had some kids that I worked with, that didn't have that. 09:50 So they didn't have a father or a parent or even a God 09:54 to go back to when things went wrong. So all they could try 09:58 to do was figure it out them selves and all it started was 10:00 chaos. So if we demonstrate and be as God 10:04 in a loving way, that should be the title that we should 10:09 look up, to be loving like God the Father is love. 10:12 So that image of the father waiting for the child to return 10:20 Yes! I think it's the image that we as fathers, having the heart 10:25 of a father should always look for our children to come back 10:30 and whatever we do I think we ought to be doing everything 10:34 that we can, train them up in the way they should go 10:37 so they will not depart and have confidence that they're not 10:41 gonna depart, the training is going to stay. So no matter 10:44 how far they go, they will always come back. 10:47 Now I think the important thing is that priestly father 10:49 Uh huh, is to pray for the children every morning 10:54 Just pray for the children, spend time covering them 10:58 one thing that I learned from one of the seminary professors 11:03 in the Jewish culture is that every Sabbath evening they would 11:08 bless their children and I've been doing that for a long time 11:12 As a matter of fact I've been doing that even before 11:16 I knew that it was something that was being done 11:19 When my son was born, he's the first born, I remember so 11:23 vividly sitting down by his crib kneeling by his crib, my hands 11:29 on his back and I'm praying and blessing him. 11:32 Because I wanted God to cover him. Yes! And as he grew older 11:37 you know I would, every night, I had to do that. Just lay my 11:42 hands on him and sometimes you know it took him a 11:46 little while to go to sleep and when I moved my hands from him 11:50 he knew, he needed my hand. He would just reach out and grab 11:54 my hands and put it right back on his back. Praise God! 11:57 And I kept that posture, I had to, he wouldn't let me stop 12:04 I kept that posture until he went to sleep. 12:07 And then I was able to get up. Sometimes I was there for 1 hour 12:10 But I spent time praying for him. I kept that up. 12:15 And every Friday for devotions Sabbaths, I would just bless 12:21 my children individually. Just asking God to cover them. 12:25 Because I know they can't look to me for perfection, they can't 12:28 look to me for anything. They had to be able to look to God 12:31 to God and all I had to was to cover them. 12:35 Yes, I think that's important. For example, my kids, my 2 girls 12:40 in fact my 4 year old, she doesn't look at me to go to work 12:45 get money and provide for her. She just wants me, one time 12:49 she said, Daddy can you be the Princess for me? 12:52 I'm like, that's kinda out of my manhood. But I don't 12:58 I looked at her, I looked in her eyes and she didn't care 13:01 so she put a little tiara on my head and I became a princess 13:04 with her for a day, right there in the bedroom. We played 13:07 with toys and little things like that you know, and 13:11 that's the thing I learned. I had to get outside myself 13:15 as a priestly father get outside myself and just she's not 13:20 expecting a lot from me. I think sometimes as fathers we put 13:24 expectations as being given to us, previously, 13:27 by culture or whatever it might be. Sometimes all we gotta do 13:31 is ask our kids what do you want me to do and they just 13:33 ask the simplest things, to play that satisfies their need 13:37 for you as a father. I don't know, what do you think about 13:40 can you resonate with that? 13:42 My step father, when I look back now, is the best father I had 13:48 besides God. You know I was hard on him when I was young, I gave 13:53 him a hard time. But it was new for him. He came into my life 13:57 when I was 10, 11 or 12 one of those age and he didn't 14:02 he didn't have a father in his life and so here he is now 14:08 he starts a marriage with a child that's not his. 14:12 How do I take care of this? Do I treat him like mine? 14:17 Do I treat him like he's adopted or do I treat him like he's a 14:20 bad, what do I do, how do I treat him? And so, but when I 14:25 look back now I see that my dad, things like, he'd always share 14:33 his tithes with me, he showed me how to return tithe 14:40 Took me to a basketball game, well he never took me to a 14:42 basketball game but every time we'd go to a park, he didn't 14:45 know how to play basketball all he knew was to put the ball 14:48 in the hoop but he would play basketball with me 14:51 um umm once in a while we'd go driving together 14:56 you know, those things, I look at those things, I didn't 14:59 appreciate them because I wanted more, I wanted a dad 15:02 I wanted somebody to lift me up on their shoulders 15:05 somebody to help me conquer all the things, he couldn't do those 15:10 things. He didn't know how to. But the things that he did know 15:14 how to do he did give me. He provided food on the table 15:19 he went out and worked. He set that example and then he was my 15:23 you talked about Sabbath, every Sabbath even till this day 15:28 as soon as the sun sets, you can hear my dad in there 15:33 singin, Lead on worship. He doesn't care what's going on 15:37 how much more cleaning needs to be done, whatever 15:40 he says, Stop. Sabbath. It's time to welcome the Sabbath. 15:44 And you can hear it, and from that point on, this day on just 15:47 that example, those examples I think it helped me to be a 15:52 better father and more caring father. And so I thank my dad 15:56 I thank him. You know if I went to see him again just wanted to 16:00 tell him, thank him for what he did. He wasn't perfect but he 16:06 cared enough to try to be a father for me who wasn't 16:10 his biological son. 16:12 I think I wanna raise something here. All our children I believe 16:19 no matter how imperfect we are look at us as if we are perfect 16:25 parents. I mean, do you agree with that? 16:28 Yeah. So no matter how flawed they still look at us 16:32 in our brokenness, in our misery, whatever they still 16:38 look at us as if we're perfect. How can we capitalize on that? 16:44 And help them to know that we're not settin them up 16:48 for a fall? Yeah. I think it's important to, you know, 16:52 to be real with them, you know not saying, you're gonna try 16:56 you start crying, and you know you pour out your heart 16:58 not sayin that but at least spend some time talking you know 17:01 My dad I have a strong relationship with him 17:04 even though my parents have been married all my life 17:07 I have a stronger relationship with him now than I did before 17:10 because I did look at him as perfect, Superman, He man 17:14 Boom and I remember that I did the prodigal son, I ran. And 17:20 I ran away, got my life, every thing in the blink of an eye 17:25 everything was gone and I ended up in jail and my dad was the 17:28 one that drove up with a U-Haul truck from Florida to W Virginia 17:33 and said, son you're comin home. Wow! You know he was the one 17:37 who was there to bring me out and I looked at him, I told him 17:41 I'm sorry I disappointed you. He said, you're not a 17:43 disappointment. You just made a mistake. Wow! And I was like 17:46 man! like. Then I learned what a real father is about. It's not 17:52 about condemnation. It's not about, you need to do this 17:55 you need to do that, you need to, it's about, you know what 17:57 we all mess up. I mess up, you mess up, we're in this together 18:01 Yeah. That's the most important part, for me at least, that your 18:05 children know that you're in it together. Yes. 18:08 No, you go first this time. One thing we don't do, I think we 18:12 as parents, we try not to tell our kids where we've been 18:18 how we've messed up in the past. We try to keep this persona that 18:23 we are this perfect parents. I think we as fathers need to 18:29 really sit down and tell our children, I messed up, 18:32 I've done this, I've done that and you're going to make some 18:37 mistakes. But I want you to know that you don't have to, uh huh 18:43 you can choose a different route. I think we need to be 18:48 real with our children. We're not real with our children 18:50 so they keep repeating some mistakes that we have made 18:55 and even they go to the total extreme. But we need to be real 18:59 with our children. We need to tell them where we came from 19:02 if we expect them to go some place different. And we don't 19:06 do it as parents. A couple years ago my dad, my step father 19:12 and my sisters, my whole family was by my house and we had a 19:16 heart to heart. And I mentioned something that he said 19:21 20 years ago. Out of frustration my dad called me a pest 19:27 20 years ago he said this. Maybe even more, maybe 25 years ago 19:35 I think I was about maybe, I'm puttin my age out there, 19:37 maybe I was 10 or 12 something like that, it's just right as 19:40 they got married he said this. He called me a pest, 19:45 and I remembered that. And so it's been in my life like 19:51 and even sometimes I try to set certain goals in my life 19:56 so I can prove to him I'm no pest. I try to out do things 20:02 so I can prove, I'm not a pest. I'm the best thing you know 20:05 next to sliced bread. And I had a heart to heart with him 20:09 and he said to me, Denry I've done what I thought was the best 20:17 but I've made a lot of mistakes when I look back. 20:20 And I'm sorry. And he said, but I thought I was doing best. 20:25 This is the way I was raised. I realize I hurt you guys 20:30 and I'm sorry. And do you know like, I mean, it's like all 20:34 no matter what he did in the past, the strict years, 20:37 the negligence, all that, it didn't matter anymore. Once he 20:42 said that, it all just fused, just like. I'm just like finally 20:47 like, sometimes our kids just want dads to be the real person 20:52 that they can, if we put this persona like you said, up there 20:55 so high, they'll never attain it. And then later on when 20:59 our parents are dead and gone we hear all the bad stuff 21:03 they really did, we're like see. And you know what we point to? 21:06 God. He was a man of God, quote, unquote, man of God 21:10 but he did all this stuff. He never apologized. You know God 21:14 you're not real, you're not real. 21:18 I think we need to, I'm feeling this emotionally now, we need 21:23 to come to a point in our lives where we forgive our parents 21:28 and pray that our children forgive us. Yeah 21:32 For the mistakes that we've made Because we've made a mess of 21:36 a lot of things. And I thank God that we have a loving Father 21:39 who forgives us. So my heart is telling me that we just need 21:47 to, maybe just for one minute, just pray for some father 21:51 there that really needs forgiveness. 21:54 I think we should. We really need to know that there's a 21:59 God that loves them even though they've made some great mistakes 22:03 and that child that has been the brunt of that mistake, or 22:09 know that they need to forgive their father before they can 22:13 move on. Because unless we do that we'll be in the same path 22:17 I just feel that we need to. Before we pray, because what he 22:22 he's sayin, you asked what's a perfect father.Hmm. A perfect 22:26 father, to me, is someone who has experienced the grace of 22:29 Jesus Christ and now demonstrates that grace 22:34 to his family. And that's what we wanna pray for. 22:37 That these fathers experience the grace of Jesus Christ 22:40 they're so captivated by Him that they're so full of love 22:43 that they now have to share it with their family. 22:46 Whether culture, whether race whether religion, they just have 22:50 to give this grace now to their family 22:53 So, let's pray. Let's. 23:01 Father, we're talkin a lot about perfection and know we have 23:05 messed up. Father we pray you will forgive us. Lord we pray 23:13 that You will help our children to forgive us. 23:18 The only perfect father we have is You, so God we can only look 23:23 to you for everything. So please help us. Yes Lord. Help us to 23:27 live the life that you want us to live. Bless our children 23:31 in our homes, in Jesus' name I pray. Amen. 23:37 And that's the thing we need to understand is the fact that 23:40 we're not perfect. You know where it's crazy because our 23:46 children see us as the image of God but we have to continue 23:50 to remind them that we're not. Yeah. And we're not God that 23:53 they need to guard our relationship and I completely 23:56 resonate with in fact I grew up like this, this is the way I 23:59 grew up, you mentioned about your stepfather. Lot of times 24:01 I think we use that as a cop out as an excuse, just because 24:05 we grew up a certain way, because we grew up in a certain 24:08 culture, that's the norm. No. Take an example, Jesus. He 24:12 always lived above the cultural norm. Yes, Yes. 24:15 So we are, as the book of Romans says, we are left without excuse 24:18 Yes. We need to start rising above, as men of God 24:21 no matter what your race, no matter what your skin color. 24:25 Stop using excuses. Start rising above, and be the fathers 24:28 that God calls us to be not who society says we need to be. 24:33 You know, is it Psalms 27? Though your father and mother 24:40 forsake you, yet the Lord will take you up. I think you got 24:44 a word on that. We were talking about that when we were driving 24:47 down. I think you have a word on that. 24:48 Yeah the fact that even though 24:54 our earthly parents can forsake us 24:56 mess up, God promised to pick us up. So instead of looking 25:05 to our earthly parents for that perfection, we have to look 25:09 to our Heavenly Father. He promised that He is going to 25:13 take us up. And there's lots of parents that've made mistakes 25:18 and the kids are looking for ways to mend the relationship 25:25 who's to start that, who's to build that bridge, who's 25:31 supposed to build the bridge to mend the relationship? 25:34 I think that when we understand that our earthly father is gonna 25:40 mess up, don't hold them in such high esteem, hold our Heavenly 25:44 Father in that high esteem because we're gonna mess up. 25:48 Now when you find yourself in a situation where 25:53 your home is a mess because your earthly father is a mess 25:58 they're fightin and complaining. They're fightin, the parents are 26:02 fightin all the time and you're caught in the middle of the mess 26:07 look to Jesus man, and forgive your earthly father. You reach 26:13 out first and try to make amends and know that, man, God is gonna 26:19 bring the whole family back together. 26:22 When your father and mother forsake you, the Lord is gonna 26:26 lift you up. And earthly fathers you know we should look to 26:30 the same Jesus to realize that we are messed up without Him 26:39 and actually to realize that we are a mess. 26:42 So no matter how perfect you think your culture is 26:46 no matter how perfect you think your upbringing is 26:49 you know how we do it, this is how we did it back in the days 26:55 You know what Jesus said in Matthew 5? Back in the days 26:57 you were taught this, but this is what I say now. 27:00 And it all pointed to who? To our Heavenly Father. 27:05 So earthly fathers, let your Heavenly Father be your example 27:10 And one thing I wanna share here is that we need to admit 27:16 that we mess up. The problem is we don't admit that we're 27:19 you know we don't admit that we're messed up. 27:21 I'd like to continue this conversation but we're out of 27:25 time, so to viewers, you know if you have any questions 27:30 please send them in to AFH@3ABN.org 27:33 Again that's AFH@3ABN.org 27:37 You're not perfect and that's okay. Your child needs you 27:41 no matter what you are, no matter how you are 27:44 your child needs your presence So please stop making excuses 27:48 stop trying to be perfect. It's okay. Your child just wants you 27:51 to be there. To be present in their lives. Love them 27:55 Cherish them, protect them. May God be with you. 27:59 Thank you for watching |
Revised 2016-12-13