Participants: Xavier Morales (Host), Gordon Fraser, Denry White
Series Code: AFH
Program Code: AFH000004A
|
00:01 A good father takes time to play
00:05 He has strong integrity 00:07 He is someone that is truly dedicated 00:11 He's not afraid to show his love 00:15 He is a caring provider 00:19 And, he's a kind, spiritual leader 00:22 These are just a few ways to describe a father's heart 00:30 Hi. Perdido en accion. Confused as to what I said? 00:34 That's missing in action in Spanish. 00:36 That's probably how your child feels because you're not there 00:39 So today we're gonna be talking about that missing in action 00:42 and steps for being there for your child. 00:44 And with me today to talk about that are Gordon and Denry 00:48 How you guys doin? Pretty good man. Good. 00:50 Glad to be back. Were you confused with the introduction 00:52 right there with the Spanish? 00:53 Didn't know where you were going with that, yeah 00:55 I'm telling you that's the thing when fathers are missing in 00:58 action, it's like speaking another language to the child 01:01 They don't know where to go, what to do, how to do it 01:04 because they don't understand the world around them 01:07 That's what we're there for. What do you guys think? 01:11 I don't mean to always jump first. 01:16 But I went to Costa Rica, my stepfather took us to Costa Rica 01:20 and I literally felt like a fish out of water 01:23 Everyone was speaking Spanish you know and I'm like Ah 01:27 I didn't know how to communicate I didn't know how to get things 01:31 across like food, I knew one or two words but all I could 01:35 keep saying was agua, poquito just small little things, but 01:40 I had to, it was really confusing and so I can imagine 01:43 when you say how a child feels. Going into this world with the 01:48 genetics that is embedded in him the culture that's embedded 01:51 in him and don't have a father to guide them. 01:55 So when I finally had an interpreter now I felt like 02:00 yeah, ok. This is what I need this is what I need 02:02 what I want to eat, Pollo means chicken and all that you know 02:06 so all these things and when you don't have someone 02:09 and so I guess in this case then a father is almost like the 02:13 interpreter because he's had experience. So dad how do I 02:19 put my shoes on, tie my shoelace dad how do I deal with puberty 02:23 dad I'm thinking about getting married. So a father would be 02:26 like a good interpreter in this case to help us in the language 02:31 of life. Yeah when a father is missing in the home, that child 02:37 is void of a lot of things that a father needs to do 02:42 that a mother can't do and we find a lot of black men that 02:49 end up in prison cells. A lot of them come from fatherless homes 02:54 because there was no one there to guide them, no one there to 02:57 interpret the world for them and so it's very important for 03:02 fathers being there for our children 03:04 What do you do though when you find yourself in this type of 03:09 predicament? Of being without a father? How do we encourage 03:13 our men out there to step up and be better fathers instead of 03:19 being missing in action, being there for their children. 03:21 What are some of the things that some of those guys can do 03:23 as fathers, what can we do? 03:25 I know how valuable what he's saying. Having a father's 03:29 presence, not just the presence but active involved fathers 03:33 I watched a documentary years ago about, in Chicago, about 03:38 why the prisoner rate is so high and they interviewed an inmate 03:42 and he said, and he was like this, he said I never saw 03:45 a lawyer in my community. I never saw a banker or CEOs 03:51 all I saw was drunks, all I saw was drug dealers you know I saw 03:56 all these negative things. So he saw that's the only thing 04:00 he could accomplish in his life and he didn't have his father 04:04 so all he saw was these things so even the presence of being 04:09 active, and the key word is active. Because you can be there 04:13 and still missing. Yeah. 04:15 But being active, you could be something that your son or your 04:19 daughter looks up to. Man. my dad is a good mechanic 04:24 I want to be a better mechanic. I want to own my own mechanic 04:27 shop. You know those kinda things. Something that your 04:30 child can look up to by you being actively involved 04:34 in your child's life. You're talking about Chicago, that's 04:37 my city of ministry. And I tell you the church I pastor on the 04:42 South side of Chicago, lots of young men without fathers 04:49 in their lives. And so you find that their behavior is spiraling 04:55 out of control. You even find that they adopt some of their 05:01 mothers behaviors and mannerisms so a father being in a home 05:07 is very important and being there, like you said you have 05:11 to be there because you can be there and really not be there 05:15 You can be a father with children and in the home 05:20 but you come home, you're so busy with work, so busy 05:23 with church, so busy with all kinds of stuff 05:26 and the child is playing by themselves or you know the child 05:30 is just there by himself and no one is there for them. 05:32 And I think being there and being actively involved in their 05:35 lives and that's one thing my wife would always do. 05:38 As a minister, you can be home and attending to everybody 05:46 else's family but your own. And I thank God for my wife 05:51 she'd say, you know you're here but you're not here. 05:54 And every now and again I have to make the conscious effort 05:58 because of my past because of my father, my father he worked 06:07 away from home so he would come home every weekend 06:10 and even when he was home on the weekend, he was still busy. 06:15 Because he didn't go to church with us, we went to church 06:18 by ourselves. So he would be home but not home. So we were 06:23 still by ourselves. My mom was the one that played cricket 06:26 you guys know what cricket is. Uh huh. 06:29 My mom's the one who played sports with us. 06:31 Not my dad. I didn't have dad. 06:35 So I love him to death because he was my dad, he was my hero 06:41 but still he was busy with providing for us 06:46 Now I can tell you we didn't want for anything. 06:49 We had everything we need because dad was a provider 06:53 but what I needed was him being there. And that's why I tried 06:59 to stay, be in my children's lives because as much as I can 07:03 and yes sometimes you have to work, you have to provide 07:07 but you've got to spend time with your children, you have to 07:10 be there for them and not missing. 07:12 So what you're saying is now is.......I know you guys 07:15 you're pastors I'm chaplain but we all preach and we minister 07:18 so what you're saying is we can minister to everybody else and 07:22 even minister to our family. What you're saying is the fact 07:25 that perhaps the ministry that we're called to do sometimes we 07:31 hang on to the phone a little bit too long in the calling 07:34 and forget about our first ministry, which is our family. 07:36 So we can be missing in action in our own home 07:39 I'm guilty. I mean I'm guilty. 07:43 To be quite honest you've got the phone ringing, you've got 07:47 everybody else calling and you are attendant to everyone else 07:52 but then there's that child at home and you're there in the 07:58 house but you're not there. So that's another form of 08:01 missing in action. But I took some steps, conscious effort 08:06 to make sure that I can shut things down and spend some time 08:13 with them, those precious moments. And for children 08:16 children don't really need hours 15 minutes, 20 minutes but 08:22 once the time is quality time it makes a big difference 08:25 for them. When my son and my daughter were young I spent 08:31 a lot of time. We went swimming, we'd go riding bicycle in the 08:37 yard and doing all kinds of fun things. 08:39 So that is one thing that I thank God for. The opportunity 08:44 to spending time with them when they were young. 08:47 I mean, ministry is my second kind of career but still I 08:52 spent time with them which is very, very valuable. 08:55 It's building that foundation. But there's lot of young men 08:59 that don't have the privilege of having fathers in the home 09:03 and making a conscious effort to be there. How can we help? 09:07 What are some of the things we can do to help them? 09:10 That's my puzzling question. 09:13 One of the things that's true you know we have to culturally 09:16 let's talk about culturally you know. You guys African American 09:21 Hispanic but because of Puerto Rico I come from African 09:25 background. Slavery and all that and slaves were taught you know 09:30 to reproduce and leave. That was their dominant role 09:34 in the slavery, impregnate and leave. Are we still doing the 09:40 same thing our ancestors did? Are we just having babies 09:44 after baby after baby, Mercy and leaving them? yes 09:47 Now we have every excuse in the book as to why we do it 09:51 but the point is how do we break away from that 09:54 how do we become the fathers that God wants us to be 09:58 and leave that mindset behind? 10:03 You know, let me grab my pillow on this one. 10:07 You know you brought out something that we've overlooked 10:13 because of these traditions and sometimes you know we look at 10:18 tradition, we talk about tradition, we talk about 10:20 tradition as in church, proper stuff. But there are some 10:24 negative traditions we pass on. You know speakin of, all the men 10:31 in my family, ok, blood line men of my family, all of them 10:37 when I say all, are rolling stones. Just like you said 10:42 They get with a woman, have children and move on to the next 10:46 Mercy. I had a grandfather who had three different, that's 4 10:51 3 different families at one time 10:57 3 at one time. I have uncles who are the same age born in 11:01 the same month. That was my example. 11:04 And then my personal father, my blood father, right 11:08 six boys, different mothers. Never been married. 11:14 His dad, 26 something children 11:17 So you see our bloodline? This is what the examples we have 11:21 So for me, my uncle had a child at 16, and I was ten 11:28 and I was looking forward to getting 16 so I can have a child 11:31 too. Mercy. But then God intervened. 11:37 My stepfather, as much as I gave him a hard time 11:43 helped me, I'm getting emotional now, that's my deep tissue 11:46 moment. As much as I have my stepdad a hard time 11:51 God sent him at the right time to marry my mother. He was 11:57 not perfect, made a lot of mistakes 12:01 but even his presence and remember we said active 12:05 but just his presence, watching him, when I was a little boy 12:09 you know I went through a lot of things. 12:13 You see everybody, all I saw was women. The women 12:15 going to church, all these things. So I'll never forget 12:17 I saw one picture of myself when I was little 12:20 I was in a dress. That's the first time I was ashamed of 12:24 anybody. I feel I'm at your counseling session. 12:29 Ever. I remember that picture. I remember what was goin on 12:34 at that time. I was playin and my mom took a picture of me 12:38 in a dress and whatever the case may be. 12:40 There were things I went through even at school and stuff 12:43 I didn't know any better. 12:47 I didn't know any better. Some of the memories in my mind 12:51 and I had to go and get help from a Christian counselor 12:55 even now as a married man concerning some of these things 12:58 So I encourage everyone in this room if you're dealing with 13:03 some of these things you need, Bible tells us to seek spiritual 13:06 counseling. And so I had to get help and I realize some of 13:11 the first memories that I had were sexual. 13:16 As a child. My only memories I can lock in were sexual 13:21 Then God sends my stepfather at the right time because 13:26 that was the time I was starting to look at other men 13:29 you know I'd go home and I'd say I want to dress like such 13:32 and such. But I didn't know what was right and what was wrong 13:35 and then he came in at the right time 13:40 and because God used him, even though like I said most of the 13:44 time it was just his presence. He wasn't active until later on 13:47 because he didn't know what to do, this is not my child this is 13:50 is this my child? He didn't know 13:54 But because of his presence, his example, going to church 13:57 having family worship, those things, I was like Wow 14:02 Okay I have something I can work off of. 14:04 If we have nothing to work off of, it's the worst thing you 14:07 could do to a child. Uh uh. 14:10 That's like me wearing high heeled shoes. 14:12 I think it's the same kind of thing because that's what 14:15 was around. And I think our young men are suffering from 14:18 from the same thing and you brought out a good point 14:21 seeking counsel thing. Any young men that find themselves 14:26 or young women in a home where father's missing they need to 14:30 seek counseling or they need to find a mentor, someone that will 14:34 mentor them, help them to look outside of the home. Yes, yes. 14:40 I think that's a good point that you...yeah 14:42 What can we do with our churches because you know 14:45 I'm a former police officer and I remember arresting a lot of 14:50 juveniles. You know we talk about the jail population 14:55 for the grown men but we never talk about the jail population 14:58 for the juveniles. We have a lot of our children in jail 15:02 and it frustrated me. Honestly, I wanted to find a father and 15:07 just beat him. Mercy. 15:09 There's no excuse. And I grew up you know, my mom and dad have 15:13 always been there together for everything but I remember 15:16 relatives that had kids, they had their own village 15:20 they had so many kids. For me it was like, my mom used to 15:24 tell me, don't be like that. My dad used to tell me don't be 15:27 like that. I started almost to be like that but by the grace 15:30 of God I didn't have a slew of kids. I only have two. 15:34 But that's not the point. The point is our children are 15:38 going to jail because they don't have a father figure, period 15:43 or their father in the home is missing in action. 15:47 starting with, and I don't want to seem like bashing anybody 15:51 but the truth is, starting with our churches. Yeah. 15:53 They're called the PKs. You know our own children 15:58 our own children given by God acting like rebellious kids 16:03 and we're not doing anything about it. What can we do to 16:06 call them, ourselves as ministers of God, held to a 16:11 higher standard not because we're higher but because we're 16:14 held to a higher standard by God. What can we do with the 16:17 men in our churches who are elders, the males, everybody 16:20 there's men, 82% of the churches are women. There's something 16:23 wrong with that. Where are our men? We need to call our men 16:27 It doesn't matter whether they are fathers to these kids or not 16:30 you know, we need to start being mentors, to start being 16:33 there for our youth, our children because they say the 16:38 youth, the next generation, the youth are supposed to lead 16:41 the way. And right now it don't look very good. 16:44 What can we do to change that? 16:47 When I was growin up and right around the same time God sent 16:51 my stepdad. Also, He sent other men from the church 16:58 some of the elders, the deacons, the AYS leader 17:03 and these guys, it's interesting lookin back it was simple things 17:08 like how he tied his tie, I want to do that. 17:12 What kind of suit did he wear? How did he treat his wife? 17:15 You know those type of things. There was one guy, I'll never 17:19 forget him, never ever forget him. We had a fire in our house 17:22 so everything was burned out. We lived on the 6th floor 17:25 in Harlem. Everything was burned out of our apartment. 17:29 He took me shopping 17:33 He took me, I'm not his son, he was one of the youth leaders 17:39 at that time, I don't remember exactly what he was 17:41 maybe Sabbath School. He took me shopping 17:45 Got me sneakers, socks, clothes, suits. Took me shopping 17:49 He also, when I became older put me on the basketball team 17:55 Another elder taught me how to play basketball. 17:59 Every Sunday morning he would bring his sons all the way 18:02 from Bronx. This is distance now He burned his own gas 18:07 picked me up with this sons we went to play basketball 18:10 taught me how to play basketball. 18:13 And I'll never forget that. 18:15 So to answer your question, the men of the church 18:18 the men of the church, like you said, need to be mentors. 18:22 Spiritual men of the church because unfortunately we don't 18:27 have, you know we're all growing in grace. But the spiritual 18:31 loving ones that have tasted grace need to be mentors 18:36 and as a pastor too this is something that I'm actively 18:40 involved with in my church. To have the men of the church 18:43 and the ladies be mentors to the young ladies 18:45 and the men be mentors to the young men. 18:48 Because we need each other to survive. 18:51 I look at myself as an extension even I'm in the south side 18:56 Chatham in Chicago. I'm not one of the pastors for the 19:02 church or the mentors for young men in the church, for the 19:04 community. Because the church needs to get outside of itself 19:09 and reach into the community to start to build relationships 19:12 with some of the young men and mentor them. I have my nephews 19:18 two nephews and I've always been there for them, mentor them 19:24 one is about to go into high school now. He is almost the 19:31 same age as my son but I've always been there for them 19:36 because there's no active father in his life 19:40 and unfortunately who's he going to look up to? His mother. 19:46 Single mother. Who's he going to look up to? So I have to step 19:51 in so that he can come out you know. What do you think 19:54 about this? I've been doing this I've been doing that, so buildin 19:58 that relationship, build his self-confidence. He knows that 20:01 with my son there's no difference because I treat them 20:06 I treat them the same. I listen to them the same way 20:10 In church I encourage the young men. We did this one communion 20:15 after the foot washing I said, listen, every young man I need 20:20 you to get with one of the elders. They're gonna be your 20:25 mentors. They're gonna help you because, of course, fathers 20:30 were not there, but our men, our young men need somebody 20:35 to help them to stay out of the juvenile system or prison system 20:40 and unless we get a good mentor program going I think we're 20:46 going to end up doin the same thing because of the way the 20:50 world is going, because of sin because of imperfection 20:53 we're gonna have homes without fathers as you rightly said 20:58 that mentality of just producing and moving on. 21:03 We're gonna have that until Jesus comes. So the church needs 21:07 to form, needs to be the bridge to help these people over. 21:11 I would go a step above that and say if you're married 21:15 if you have a wife, if you're together with your spouse 21:18 mentor your women. It's not just the men, the young men 21:23 that are fathers, it's also women. Yes, yes. And I say that 21:26 because women need a mother figure, they need a father 21:29 figure. Yes we can turn to our father in heaven and that's not 21:33 impossible but realistically our minds need somebody we can 21:39 see, somebody tangible. So if you're married you know I would 21:42 say, step out with your wife and mentor these young ladies 21:46 because how are they supposed to find prince charming 21:49 when they never knew when to begin with? They don't have 21:52 an example. They're just going to find those men that beat them 21:56 or abuse them. So I mean. I definitely agree. A young lady 22:02 spoke to me last week and she is about late 20s and she went 22:07 on her first real date. She's been with other guys before 22:11 But her first dress up date and she told me she didn't know 22:14 what to do. She didn't know about the fork, where to put 22:19 the fork, spoon, all that. She didn't know what to wear 22:21 she didn't know all these things I'll never forget one time 22:25 my wife and I saw this special about these fathers who 22:29 took their 16 year old daughters out on dates, pulled the chair 22:36 out for them. Opened the door all these things, show them 22:40 and they did it repeatedly so that their daughters would hold 22:46 their father in high esteem and whichever guy comes into 22:52 their life now, hey this is what you need to live up to this 22:58 so I agree with you, it does have that impact seriously even 23:03 on young ladies. But there's another aspect that I think 23:06 we're forgetting. We talk about prison but we're forgetting 23:09 about death. Not being a father, not being actively involved in 23:15 a child's life could lead your child to death. 23:17 Within the past couple of years we've heard from Black and 23:21 Hispanic young men and young ladies being killed by police 23:25 brutality. We need our fathers to step up even now. 23:30 Example to our children whether they're male or female how to 23:35 respect authority even if authority doesn't respect you. 23:40 See the conversation we need, and my wife and I had to swallow 23:44 this. I realize the conversation we need to have nowadays 23:48 is not whether you are right or wrong but how to get home. 23:54 How to come home safely to us Fathers and mothers need to 23:59 sit down with their children and say, look when you're pulled 24:02 over by a cop it's not a matter of whether you're right or wrong 24:06 or whether your broke the light or whatever, it's a matter of 24:09 you showing uttermost respect and being prayerful. 24:14 When cop asks you, whether he curses you out, called you names 24:17 when he asks for your credential give it to him, yes officer 24:23 all these things and what he asks you to do, do it, come out 24:30 of the car do it in a respectful nothing suspicious. why? 24:34 So you can come home. 24:37 Then when you get home you can let out all the frustration. 24:40 Then you can be mad at the cops, then you can call the authority 24:44 you can call all of the XXXXXXX you can do all of that 24:48 when you get home. But the point is if the fathers are not 24:52 actively and lovingly involved in their child they lack that 24:57 guidance which is common sense yes we don't live in a perfect 25:02 world. There's a lotta injustice racism is not gonna stop 25:05 until Jesus comes. Culturism, sexism none of that is gonna 25:09 stop until Jesus comes. But we need to teach our children 25:14 how to be upset but how to take care of it in the right way 25:21 in the right manner. But absent fathers, a lot of kids won't 25:26 even think that's an option. They think the only way is 25:29 rebellion and retaliation. That is because they're not taught 25:33 They're not taught. So it's important for us to teach them 25:37 and it's not demonstrated. Not just taught. Demonstrated, yeah 25:40 My dad scared me sometimes when the cops pulled him over. 25:43 He used to be one of those why are you pulling me over? 25:48 And I used to hear my ma, honey, honey stop stop 25:52 And it scared us, my dad, these cops any of them could just 25:58 but now he's, you know, ok and he's that because you 26:02 demonstrate what you want your kids to do. 26:04 We made a point earlier when we were talking about mentoring 26:07 I think mentors are very important but we need to be 26:10 careful who's mentoring our children. I think mothers and 26:14 fathers need to make sure that whoever is mentoring their 26:18 children, they're not, you know they're straight because we have 26:23 a lot of bad people out there and lot of pedophiles so if 26:29 mothers don't have a father in the home in the church they want 26:34 someone to mentor a child make sure that that person 26:38 has been vetted. Make sure that the person is straight 26:42 so you don't have problems, your children don't have problem 26:45 or you'll have greater problems down the line, those are things 26:48 that husband and that wife, even they're together in their 26:53 home and they want their children to be mentored 26:59 by someone that's an important part we need to also emphasize 27:03 I think everything that was said was great making sure that 27:06 they're straight, they're in the good path to be mentors and 27:11 man there's a lot we can say. There's a lot more we can say 27:15 but we ran out of time so if you have any questions 27:18 please send them to AFH@3ABN.org 27:22 AFH@3ABN.org 27:24 Reality is that missing fathers are still missing. 27:28 If your father is not in your child's life stop the excuses 27:32 Stop it, there's no point. You are going to be held accountable 27:37 by God as to where your children are. Be responsible. 27:41 Step up. Even if you're afraid you don't know what to do 27:43 us here we have no idea what to do but we're tryin our best 27:48 with what we have through Jesus, through mentoring 27:51 through learning, through books there's resources and for those 27:55 that are out there that are working, you work, work, work 27:58 guess what? Your children are still missing from your lives 28:01 Stop all the hard work, step up 28:04 Be there for your child. Thank you for watching |
Revised 2016-12-14