Participants:
Series Code: ASIC
Program Code: ASIC180008A
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00:01 Music...
00:19 It is my honor to introduce to you this morning the Speaker. 00:23 Maria Kennedy was born and raised 00:26 in the United States of America 00:28 and yet finds herself as a missionary, a wife and a mother 00:31 in the country of Thailand. 00:33 Just like us, she hasn't gone through this life 00:36 without receiving some knocks and stabs and wounds 00:40 which has led her on an unusual journey 00:42 and her testimony this morning is to uplift our great God 00:46 and give Him all praise and glory 00:48 for being in the unusual business 00:50 of being in hot pursuit of us to heal and bind up our wounds. 00:55 Please give an open ear and an open heart 00:59 to hear what the Spirit of God has to say to you this morning. 01:01 Thank you. 01:05 Pause... 01:14 Music... 01:24 When I am weak, 01:27 You carried every burden 01:31 When I'm alone, 01:34 You're just a breath away 01:39 When I am restless, 01:43 You're the One who stills me 01:47 And when I fail, 01:49 You always stay the same. 01:54 In You alone, 01:57 I'm lifted up to heaven 02:02 In You alone, 02:05 I soar on borrowed wings 02:09 When I reach the end, 02:13 You are just beginning 02:17 In You alone, 02:21 I have all that I need. 02:25 When I am lost, 02:29 You rescue me from danger 02:34 And when I fail, 02:37 You pick me up again 02:41 When I resist, 02:44 You love past my defenses 02:49 And though I stray, 02:52 You're faithful to the end. 02:56 In You alone, 03:00 I'm lifted up to heaven 03:04 In You alone, 03:07 I soar on borrowed wings 03:11 When I reach the end, 03:15 You are just beginning 03:20 In You alone, 03:23 I have all that I need. 03:28 In You alone 03:35 I soar on borrowed wings 03:42 When I reach the end, 03:50 You are just beginning 03:58 In You alone, 04:05 In You alone. 04:12 Piano. 04:18 Pause. 04:24 Today, I want to share with you about how God has shaped my life 04:30 through mission work. 04:31 This is a story you probably 04:35 don't often hear, 04:36 it probably sounds a little self-centered right? 04:38 I think for the most part, 04:41 we think of mission work as something that... 04:44 is supposed to be all about the impact we have on other people 04:48 rather than about us usually 04:51 but I fully believe that God does ordain and command us 04:56 to serve and share the gospel with others 04:59 and by His grace, we will have an impact on their lives, 05:02 but really what I've seen again and again is that 05:07 doing God's work usually has a far greater impact on us 05:12 than any measurable impacts that we can see in others 05:17 and in my life, things happened a little bit backwards. 05:22 God graciously planted me in the mission field 05:26 and then worked on the "willing-heart" part 05:29 so, I realize that most of you 05:33 won't fully relate to my story today 05:34 but hopefully by God's grace, 05:37 you will relate to the heart struggles 05:38 and the points of surrender that God has brought me through. 05:42 Will you please join me in praying? 05:45 "Dear Father Lord, 05:49 I pray today this this won't be about me but will honor you 05:56 and the people will be able to see 05:59 the way that You have pursued me and Your faithfulness in my life 06:03 pause... 06:05 I pray that You'll give me the courage 06:08 and the clarity to share the thoughts... 06:10 that You've given me... 06:12 Your thoughts today and thank You, amen. " 06:16 Pause. 06:23 It all started the year that I was 17 06:26 and I thought I was ready to begin my life. 06:31 I was going to be an Alaskan Bush Pilot 06:35 and I had anticipated this for years 06:39 and I had spent at least the last couple of years 06:42 ironing out all of the details of how I would accomplish this 06:46 so that as soon as I hit the magical age of 17, 06:51 when I would actually be able to get my pilot's license, 06:53 that I could begin flight lessons 06:57 and be well on the way to achieving my dreams 07:03 but something happened not too far into that year 07:06 that put a little bit of a kink into my plans. 07:10 My family started talking about Mission work. 07:12 They wanted our family to have a mission experience 07:15 before us kids left home 07:19 and they decided we were going to Thailand. 07:22 Now obviously, this was pretty disappointing for me. 07:27 I argued and pled with them about it a lot 07:30 pause 07:32 but it was all to no avail, 07:36 they really felt that this would be a good thing 07:37 for our family. 07:39 So, Thailand... it was... 07:41 so the other thing was that we were calling this a mission trip 07:46 but we had only purchased one-way tickets 07:49 so, you can probably put two and two together 07:52 in what my family was hoping for here 07:55 but in order for you to understand 07:59 how this was affecting me 08:00 and where I was spiritually at this point in my life, 08:03 I'm going to go back a little bit further 08:05 and without going into too much detail, 08:08 I... I'm going to mention some of the things that happened 08:12 through my growing-up years that had impacted my view of God. 08:16 Pause. 08:18 I was born to a wonderful Adventist mom 08:20 and I have three lovely siblings. 08:22 My father was not a Christian and when I was five years old, 08:26 he chose to step out of our lives due to our faith. 08:29 A couple of years later, my mom met and married 08:33 a wonderful Adventist man that soon won my heart 08:36 and in my eyes, he was my dad 08:39 but our happiness came to an abrupt halt 08:43 when he was diagnosed with brain cancer 08:46 and died 18 months later 08:49 and this was where the course of my life really began to shift 08:54 from a girl who loved God and followed all the rules 08:58 and spent time studying the Bible, 09:00 to the new me. 09:01 I still followed all the rules but I was angry and bitter. 09:04 You see, I had grown up to really think of God 09:08 as a God of miracles. 09:09 Through the unique circumstances of my... 09:12 that I had experienced growing up, 09:16 we were often extremely poor, 09:17 often, we didn't know where our next food would come from, 09:22 or... and I had seen God work again and again 09:26 pretty much like the stories that you read about in books 09:29 and I think, sometimes we think... 09:33 we feel like God doesn't really work that way anymore 09:35 and that's like the way God used to work 09:37 but I had seen it firsthand often 09:41 and so, I fully believed that God was a God 09:45 that did work miracles but He hadn't healed my father, 09:49 and I didn't understand that 09:52 and I became very bitter. 09:56 I remember lying in bed late at night as a young teenager 10:00 and I would have tears streaming down my face 10:04 and just silently mouthing the words, 10:06 "I hate you God" again and again. 10:08 I quickly spiraled down from that to the point of saying, 10:14 "I'm not sure I really believe in God" 10:17 and it was kind of easier that way 10:20 rather than feeling hate and bitterness towards God, 10:22 I could just be like, "I don't believe in God. " 10:25 Now, I wasn't really your typically rebellious teen, 10:30 I did a pretty solid job at hiding what I was experiencing 10:33 from my family... 10:34 it was really important to me that I didn't hurt them 10:36 through my struggles or unbelief 10:39 but things weren't going very well for me at this point. 10:42 I was still attending the Adventist Church with my family 10:45 and I was still pretty compliant to family rules and standards 10:49 but I was deeply depressed and even suicidal at this point. 10:52 I remember spiraling down to the place where it felt 10:56 like life was just completely dark. 10:59 I had extreme struggles with social anxiety 11:02 and thoughts of ending my own life. 11:05 I remember reaching this... 11:10 I remember this one night where finally I was at this point 11:14 where I felt completely hopeless, 11:17 there didn't seem like there was any point in going on 11:19 and at that point, 11:24 I could look back and recognize that the only times in my life 11:27 I'd ever been happy 11:29 was when God was in my life 11:30 and... so I was like, 11:33 "I can't do this anymore, I don't want to live like this, 11:35 I guess I'll give the 'God thing' another chance. " 11:38 And this was pretty much just what it sounds like, 11:41 it wasn't a recommitment or a decision to follow Christ, 11:45 I was simply just saying, "I wouldn't deny God any longer 11:48 and I was pretty much just figuring out... 11:52 'give Him another chance to prove Himself to me. '" 11:54 This... all of this probably took place about two months 11:58 before our departure date for Thailand 12:00 so, that was where I was at spiritually. 12:03 On October 13 of that year, 12:06 we boarded our plane for Thailand 12:08 and I was... I was really devastated. 12:10 It wasn't just that we were going to Thailand, 12:12 a three-week mission trip 12:14 would have been a grand adventure for me, 12:16 but I'd lost control of my life. 12:18 I no longer knew what my future would look like. 12:21 Pause. 12:22 I remember those first few days in Thailand 12:25 and being completely set in my mind to dislike everything. 12:28 A few weeks into our stay though 12:30 something changed things up for me. 12:33 I met Jesus through the eyes of little refugee kids. 12:36 Pause... 12:39 more pause. 12:42 We were invited to visit a small bamboo boarding school 12:45 which was actually located right across the river 12:47 from the... which is the border between Burma and Thailand. 12:51 and if you're not familiar with the Karen and Burmese situation 12:56 look it up later, 12:58 I don't have time to share details about that today, 13:01 but this school is mostly filled with displaced refugee kids 13:05 and while there wasn't currently any fighting going on, 13:08 it wasn't really a secure situation 13:10 as it was always under the threat of attack. 13:13 We arrived that first evening 13:17 and the little kids immediately ran up and grabbed our hands 13:20 and led us into our first bamboo hut. 13:23 Before long they taught us to wear bathing sarongs 13:26 and taken us to take our baths down in a little creek 13:28 and they had served us an amazing feast 13:32 of rice and vegetables 13:33 which we were expected to eat with our hands. 13:35 Long story short, 13:38 when we were about to leave three days later, 13:41 they asked if I'd be willing to stay and teach 13:43 and something made me say, "Yes. " 13:47 These kids and their situation really captured my heart. 13:49 Pause. 13:52 But it was really watching these kids worship 13:55 that began to change things on a deeper level for me. 13:59 Every morning and evening, we would... 14:02 they would have worship in the hut 14:04 that I was currently staying in 14:07 and it just really impacted me 14:11 to watch the way that they worshiped God. 14:13 They would throw their little heads back and close their eyes 14:15 and totally sing their hearts out. 14:18 There was no self-consciousness or worries 14:21 about what anybody else thought about them 14:24 and I would sit there and watch them 14:25 and puzzle over the things that I knew had happened 14:27 in their lives. 14:29 Pause. 14:30 Many of their stories were absolutely horrific. 14:33 They had watched their homes being burned down, 14:36 they had seen their parents brutally murdered, 14:39 they had run for their lives... 14:41 not all of them but many of them 14:43 and they had grown up with 14:44 maybe rice and chili paste to eat if they were lucky, 14:47 so, here I was refusing to commit my life to God 14:52 because I wanted to nurse my hurts 14:54 and hang on to my anger with God 14:56 for something I perceived was obviously His fault 14:59 and here were these little ones, 15:02 who had experienced so much more evil 15:04 and pain than I ever had 15:06 and they were adoringly worshiping God. 15:08 Pause. 15:10 I wanted a faith in God that I saw in these kids. 15:14 I wanted that joy that wasn't dependent on my circumstances. 15:18 Through the months... 15:20 through the few months that I spent at this school, 15:23 God did a large work in my life, 15:24 my heart began to soften and open up to a plan 15:28 other than the ones I had made for myself 15:30 and I began to for the first time in years 15:33 actually seek after God. 15:35 Pause. 15:36 But the struggle wasn't finished yet, 15:38 I had a long ways to go 15:39 for God to break down the barriers in my heart. 15:42 The time I spent at this little school 15:46 in just observing the whole area and the huge need, 15:51 really gave me a desire to be able to serve them 15:56 through medical work 15:57 and so, at this point, 15:59 I eventually chose to return to the States 16:01 to pursue MT training. 16:02 I thought that would be the first step in... 16:07 and... so, when I got back to the States, 16:11 I really started strong. 16:12 I was on fire for God at this point 16:15 and so excited for this opportunity 16:17 to finally receive some training. 16:18 I was excited to share 16:20 what I had experienced in the Mission Field, 16:21 but unfortunately, it didn't take long 16:25 for my old doubts to start creeping back in, 16:28 and I slowly began sliding back down the slippery slope 16:32 of rebellion and unbelief. 16:33 Pause. 16:36 I completely threw myself into whole EMS work scene 16:40 which for me wasn't very conducive 16:42 to a growing relationship with Christ 16:43 and on top of that, within a relatively short timeframe, 16:48 I attended a number of quite horrific accident scenes... 16:53 I was kind of known as 16:54 our ambulance services' "black cloud. " 16:57 But what it really brought back up for me was 17:00 all my doubts and questions about why God allowed this. 17:02 So, this took place probably over the course 17:06 of about nine to ten months 17:07 and towards the end of that time, 17:09 I was once again in this really dark spot, 17:15 I was depressed and I... 17:19 I... I remember at that point... 17:25 I remember once again 17:28 I found myself comparing my life right now 17:30 to what I'd experienced a few months ago 17:33 and that fresh experience 17:34 where I had had joy and hope in my life 17:39 and I realized that once again 17:41 that there was nothing in life for me without God in my life. 17:44 So, at this point, once again, I told God... 17:48 "Okay... " and I... I gave my life back to him. 17:52 But this wasn't the end of my struggle, 17:55 by this point, EMS has had... 17:59 had become a huge passion for me. 18:01 I was hooked on the adrenaline rush 18:03 and being there for people in their emergencies 18:08 and I wanted to continue my education and I did... 18:11 some day I wanted to return to the mission field 18:14 but I wanted to do my stuff first 18:17 and get the education that I felt would make me more usable. 18:23 But there was an issue 18:27 and that was that when I had left Thailand, 18:29 I had made a promise to both my family and the Karen people 18:34 that as soon as I was done with my EMT training, 18:36 I would return to the States... 18:39 sorry... return to Thailand. 18:41 So, at this point, my mom called me up 18:44 and she reminded me of that promise I'd made 18:48 that I would come back and I was really... 18:53 I was frustrated about it, I didn't want to listen, 18:55 but I... I agreed I'd return. 18:59 So, here I was back in Thailand 19:02 as an unwilling missionary for the second time. 19:05 I really was glad to be back in many ways 19:09 but as I said, part of me was still grudgingly present. 19:11 There was still this inner wrestling in me 19:14 over my abandoned dreams. 19:15 Over time, the doors opened for me 19:18 to shadow a dear nurse friend who had started working... 19:20 started a front-porch clinic. 19:22 Every morning the patients would pack that little front porch 19:26 and it wasn't long till I found myself in positions 19:29 where I had to use the little training I had to help out. 19:32 As I became more and more involved the work there, 19:36 I did grow to really enjoy it 19:38 and found a lot of fulfillment in it. 19:39 But where we were at the time, there was still a hospital 19:44 that was accessible... a small hospital that was accessible 19:48 within about 45 minutes' drive 19:50 and I soon became more and more aware that there were lots of... 19:53 100s of mountain villages around us 19:57 in the surrounding mountains 19:58 that had no access to medical care whatsoever. 20:00 So, within a few months, 20:03 I moved out to a remote village up in the mountains 20:06 to start a little clinic up there. 20:09 My first day in the village of Monika, 20:11 I sat in the hut of new friends 20:13 and I watched them roast this pile of fluffy dead rats, 20:18 and the next house I went to, they offered me betel nut 20:22 which you may or may not have heard of... 20:25 and I innocently took it and chewed it... 20:27 I didn't even know what it was. 20:29 The second day, I knocked down some boards from a house 20:34 with my bike... 20:35 much to the amusement of some of the village men 20:37 and then I fell down to my knees in the mud 20:39 and slid my way down the slippery trail back to my house 20:44 while the villagers roared with laughter at me 20:46 and the third day, I had 42 patients 20:49 and I got a crash course in living with no privacy. 20:53 There wasn't even a bathroom without large holes in it. 20:57 But the bond of friendship I found up there was very special. 21:00 I sat around their fires at night 21:02 and every day their kids descended on my house 21:07 to ate all my leftover food. 21:08 I was obviously way out of my depth with medical cases 21:12 but I was the best that they had at that point. 21:15 I remember many times climbing the hill 21:17 to where there was a phone reception 21:19 to call my nurse friend for advice. 21:21 But as I bonded with these people 21:24 and grew my role as a medical worker for their village, 21:26 my heart was still really at war. 21:28 I loved it here and I loved these people 21:30 but this wasn't what I wanted right now. 21:33 Right now I wanted schooling. 21:35 I wanted to feel qualified... 21:37 I wanted to go complete my plans 21:39 and know that I had made something of myself 21:41 while I was young. 21:43 But God and I didn't seem to be on the same page with this. 21:47 I had no money at the time and the $1,000... around that 21:50 that I would need to get my ticket to fly back to the States 21:53 might as well have been a million for me at that point 21:56 and I realized that I was stuck 22:00 and at that point, I began to feel like... 22:03 not just an unwilling missionary 22:05 but like I was actually a captive missionary. 22:07 Audience: Slight laughter. 22:09 It didn't seem fair, 22:11 it seemed like all my friends 22:13 got to make plans and complete them... 22:14 and I felt like I was the only one 22:16 that didn't get a choice in my life. 22:17 Pause. 22:19 As ridiculous as I know this sounds, 22:22 at that point, I was really... a half-devoted missionary 22:25 and a half rebel often all in in the same day. 22:27 and at this point, mission work was completely in my heart 22:32 but preferably after I had the opportunity 22:35 to go do my own thing. 22:36 In the summer of 2010, 22:40 I attended a month-long Bible and medical ministry training 22:43 that was held by one of the pastors in northern Thailand 22:45 and this is where the struggles really came to a head for me. 22:49 I couldn't listen to the Bible being read all day 22:52 and hear this about surrender, surrender, surrender. 22:54 While I knew that these things in my heart... 22:57 that I had these thing in my heart 22:58 that I was stubbornly refusing to give up. 23:00 Pause. 23:06 At this point, I was tired of being good... 23:08 tired of trying to surrender and follow God... 23:10 I just wanted the permission to go do my own thing for a while. 23:13 About half way through this month-long program, 23:18 I came to a point 23:19 where I distinctly heard God speak to me and say 23:25 that it was time that I made a decision. 23:28 I couldn't continue to do this half-way thing anymore. 23:31 I couldn't be holding back on God 23:33 while still claiming to be a Christ-Follower. 23:35 I couldn't be arguing with Him 23:38 about the way I wanted to run my life 23:40 pause... 23:42 and as I realized that God had told me to make... 23:44 I needed to make this decision, 23:46 I actually became quite angry 23:48 because I knew I couldn't walk away from God completely, 23:50 that wasn't an option for me, 23:52 I knew my own weakness, 23:53 I knew what happened with God out of my life, 23:56 so, I wanted God in my life 23:59 but I wanted Him in my life on my terms. 24:01 I wanted Him to give His approval and blessing 24:04 for my plans for my future, 24:05 I was like a small child that puts their hand in a vase 24:11 and, you know, to grab a treasure 24:12 and refuses to let go of it 24:15 in order to not need to break the vase. 24:17 So, there was this period of about three days 24:20 where I really wrestled with this. 24:23 I refused to give up these dreams I held, 24:26 I couldn't picture my life without them 24:29 but as I bonded with these people and grew in my... 24:32 I'm sorry... I lost my place... 24:37 I remember reaching a point of complete misery at this point, 24:41 I couldn't rest or think about anything else 24:43 other than this surrender God was asking me to make 24:45 and finally, I gave up, 24:47 it's really exhausting to argue with God 24:51 and in that moment... so I made this... 24:55 so, I finally I said, "God, you can have my plans, 24:58 you can have my dreams, you can have my future, 25:01 and I'll do whatever you want me to do 25:03 and right then I really thought that my life was completely over 25:08 but the peace I felt was indescribable. 25:13 While I wrestled... 25:15 while I was wrestling through this with God, 25:17 unbeknownst to me... I... there... just a few hours away, 25:21 there were these two tiny little twin boys that had been born 25:26 probably more than two months premature in their village hut 25:30 pause... 25:33 and they wouldn't receive any more medical care 25:35 for the next six weeks. 25:36 Meanwhile, I returned down to the border area 25:39 where I'd been living before 25:41 and I just got to say that for the first time ever, 25:45 I experienced so much joy 25:47 and fulfillment in the work I was doing. 25:50 For the first time, this was actually my spot 25:54 that one I had chosen to work for God in. 25:57 Pause. 26:00 So, about six weeks later, these two little twin boys 26:03 were finally placed in my arms. 26:05 They were tiny at probably less than two pounds each 26:09 and extremely malnourished 26:11 as they'd been given sugar water in place of milk. 26:14 Their little bones were poking out... 26:17 they looked barely more than just skin covered skeletons 26:22 and they had sores covering their tiny bodies 26:25 so we took them to the ER that was closest to us 26:28 and as we sat in that little ER with them, 26:32 the doctor told me, "We have to have a mother's name on record 26:35 to be able to care for them" 26:36 and at that point, I didn't know what the mother's name was 26:39 so the doctor finally said, 26:41 "Could we please put your name down?" 26:43 And I didn't feel like there was anything else to say 26:47 so I said, "Yes. " 26:49 In Thailand they require a caregiver 26:51 to stay with any patient that's been admitted 26:53 and they pretty much do the work that a nurse would do 26:57 here in the States. 26:59 So, I stayed with them there in a hospital ward 27:01 on a little cot between their incubators 27:03 for the next week or so. 27:05 I remember looking at their tiny wrist bands 27:09 and they said on them, "Maria's Baby Number 1" 27:12 and "Maria's Baby Number 2" 27:13 and the realization really hit me 27:17 that these were now my babies. 27:20 Audience: Happy laughter. 27:22 To begin with, we didn't think that Jabez... the older twin... 27:26 I named them Jabez and Isaac 27:28 and we didn't think that Jabez the older twin would make it 27:30 as he was initially the less alert one 27:33 and he also had a very large pressure sore on his back 27:36 that reached almost into the back bone 27:38 and it had been packed with feces 27:40 so he was at huge risk for infection 27:42 but he held his ground and... 27:45 but Isaac was a different story. 27:48 Initially he seemed to be doing good 27:50 but his condition slowly deteriorated 27:53 Eventually they had to transfer us to a larger hospital 27:57 that had a "PICU" Unit. 27:58 Once we arrived, 28:00 I was told that Isaac had both pneumonia and sepsis 28:02 and that his only hope was pretty much 28:07 if he would make it through the next 24 hours. 28:09 Pause. 28:12 That day, I prayed like I had never prayed before. 28:16 By that point I'd completely fallen in love 28:18 with both of these babies, 28:19 and I really believed that God would heal Isaac. 28:23 Honestly, I think I pretty much felt 28:25 that I had a right to his healing. 28:28 I knew that God could work miracles 28:31 and I pretty much thought 28:32 that this was His chance to not let me down again 28:34 but as that day dragged on 28:39 I watched his vitals drop lower and lower 28:42 and late that night his heart rate kept dropping 28:46 and the nurses finally began CPR 28:48 and that was the most agonizing 30 minutes of my life. 28:51 I kept saying, "God, I know you can save him" 28:54 I actually didn't have any doubt at that point, 28:57 I was like... even after they declared him dead 28:59 I... I just... I was just telling God like, 29:01 "I know you can still save him, bring him back to life. " 29:05 Finally, they shoved the papers under my nose 29:08 and said, "We need you to sign the papers 29:11 for your son's body. " 29:13 At that point, I felt completely broken and betrayed. 29:16 I had completely given my heart away to these two babies 29:20 and I had 100 percent belief that God would make a miracle 29:24 out of their lives. 29:26 They were already a total miracle, 29:29 they was no human explanation for how two completely... 29:33 very premature babies had survived 29:36 with no proper care at all for six weeks. 29:39 Pause. 29:41 So, I really didn't understand what God could be doing. 29:44 I went outside at that point 29:47 and I think I paced in the dark for probably another hour 29:51 and I came really, really close to running away. 29:54 Everything in me wanted to run the other direction 29:57 and forget about loving anyone. 30:00 The only thing I knew right then was that love hurt. 30:03 But there was still another tiny baby lying in the ward 30:07 on the other end of the hospital 30:09 and I knew that there was no way 30:11 that someone else could abandon him as well. 30:13 Pause. 30:15 I didn't open my Bible or even pray 30:18 for probably a week after Isaac's death 30:22 and late one night about a week later, 30:26 I remember sitting in the hospital ward 30:29 that was packed full of patients 30:31 and I was sitting beside Jabez 30:35 and once again, I felt God's voice really clearly speak to me 30:41 and say that I needed to make my decision that I needed to decide 30:47 if I was going to go back to the bitterness and doubt 30:49 that I had come from 30:51 or whether I was going to choose to trust God 30:53 and what He was doing in my life 30:55 regardless of the pain I experienced. 30:58 Pause. 31:03 So, at that point, 31:06 I told God that I would trust Him 31:11 and regardless of what happened in my life, 31:15 and I really look back at that 31:17 as one of the most pivotal moments in my life. 31:20 At this point, although I'd surrendered my future 31:23 and many other things to God I was still in many ways 31:25 grieving for my father who had died 31:27 and it was definitely still a lot of bitterness 31:29 and questions in my heart that I hadn't dealt with yet. 31:31 It was all just kind of pushed under the rug 31:34 while I tried to about God's business and serve Him anyways, 31:37 but when I finally made this... 31:41 when I finally said, "Okay, God, I choose you, 31:44 I'll trust you in Your plan regardless of the things I face 31:47 or the pain I experience 31:49 and that decision made a big impact on me. 31:55 This is something that God has brought me through 31:58 several more times. 32:00 Nine months later, 32:01 Jabez was again fighting for his life. 32:03 This time he was battling Stevens-Johnson's syndrome 32:06 and I again had to let go of my fears and questions 32:10 and God really challenged me through this time 32:14 when he was so sick that I would... 32:18 regardless of the outcome, that I would... 32:21 choose ahead of time to make the decision 32:23 that I would trust Him. 32:25 Then, later again, 32:28 I'd lost another baby girl who had been abandoned 32:31 and given to me... 32:33 and in that same "PICU" that Isaac died 32:37 and most recently I've lost two babies through miscarriage... 32:40 miscarriages... and each time 32:42 God has challenged me with that same choice. 32:45 Each time I've had the temptation 32:48 to turn away in bitterness and question God's goodness 32:50 but thankfully as a choice I already made 32:55 and each time, during that difficult time 32:59 it's almost been like... 33:00 it's been a little pillar between me and the Lord. 33:03 A sweet reminder of the commitment that I made 33:06 to trust in God's goodness 33:07 regardless of the circumstances in my life. 33:10 So each time, it's almost been like 33:12 it's been a reaffirmation of my faith 33:15 and strengthen the commitment that I made before 33:17 and I pray that by God's grace 33:20 I'll continue to break this cycle of bitterness 33:23 and resentment toward the God who loves me. 33:25 Pause. 33:30 So oft... 33:34 I just want to say that it's easy, I think, 33:40 for some of us to look back... 33:41 we hear testimonies 33:42 and it often seems like a one-and-done deal, 33:45 you hear about how the dark place people were in before 33:49 and, you know, how God worked a miracle in their lives 33:53 and then, everything seems perfect after that 33:55 and in my life that hasn't been the case 33:58 there's very much been a lot of ups and downs 34:00 and I'm not sharing most of that today 34:04 but 34:09 I do want to express the fact that I definitely still have... 34:13 I definitely still struggle and am very much a real person. 34:16 I wish I had more time to share 34:20 about the following three years of motherhood 34:22 but I don't have that much time today. 34:26 Motherhood totally took me by surprise, 34:29 one day I was a single 19-year-old traipsing around... 34:33 the next... people were calling these little guys my sons. 34:36 Being a mom was nothing I had envisioned in my future 34:39 or even desired... but here I was. 34:42 Jabez changed everything I lived for, 34:45 the first few weeks with him were incredibly difficult 34:49 but over time, he did grow into a strong beautiful baby. 34:52 When I took Jabez as my son, 34:57 life changed from Thailand being my "surrender" 35:00 to Thailand being my country for the future 35:03 as far as I could see. 35:04 As legal adoption is extremely complicated 35:08 and even potentially impossible. 35:10 About two years after this, 35:14 a young man walked into my life 35:16 who was sold on God and medical work in the mission field 35:19 and he didn't so much as blink as... at my kid 35:23 or a "girl who came with a country. " 35:25 We actually got to know each other 35:28 through our trips to do medical work together up in Meniki 35:31 and, of course you already know where this is going 35:34 but we fell in love. 35:36 In the summer of 2013, Jordan got down on one knee 35:40 and on a mountain near the village where we were working 35:45 and he asked me to marry him. 35:46 I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with him. 35:49 My vision of "happily ever after" 35:50 at that point was that 35:52 we would be living in a little bamboo hut, 35:54 trekking around the mountains giving medical care together 35:57 for the rest of our lives. 35:59 That was both of our vision 36:00 that we'd always be together working for God 36:05 so about a couple of months before our wedding, 36:10 we heard of another little baby 36:13 that had been born about nine weeks premature, 36:16 he was born at one pound twelve ounces 36:20 and God really put him in our hearts... 36:24 I remember talking to Jordan about... 36:28 we were long distance at this point 36:30 I was talking to him on the phone 36:32 and I would keep... 36:34 we decided to pray and think about this for a few days 36:37 and I would keep bringing up the fact 36:40 that this was un-ideal circumstances 36:42 and it was... it was a month before our wedding 36:45 not really the greatest time to take in a premature baby 36:49 and... but finally after we prayed about it 36:53 for a couple of days, Jordan just said, 36:54 "I don't care about any of that, I just want him" 36:57 and that was really where it stood for us, 36:59 he was... God put him in our hearts and he was wanted. 37:03 We named him Jesse Asher 37:07 which means: our gift of happiness 37:10 and he's really been a gift of happiness in our lives. 37:12 Since then, God has added two more little ones through birth 37:18 and we're a family of six. 37:19 I have to be honest right now and say 37:22 that life looks a 100% different for us 37:25 from anything we ever pictured. 37:26 We're not living in a village the way we dreamed of, 37:30 pause... 37:34 more pause... 37:38 just... just a couple of months ago, 37:40 the story of our lives took another turn 37:42 when God led Jordan to full-time employment in Thailand. 37:45 Pause. 37:48 More pause. 37:52 Pause. 37:55 The point... the point I really want to bring out here 37:58 is the fact that... how God has again and again led my life 38:02 in a way that's way different from what I wanted 38:05 but always better than what I would have chosen for myself. 38:10 Pause. 38:12 So, Jordan is currently employed in Thailand in a regular job 38:17 and God's plan for us... for me the last few years 38:22 has not been medical evangelism the way I had envisioned it. 38:24 It's been raising four precious little ones 38:27 and it has been home schooling and pursuing legal adoption 38:32 in a country that makes it very difficult. 38:35 It's been supporting my wonderful husband 38:37 as he pursues a tentmaker role 38:39 and we still value our village medical ministry 38:43 but now that looks like day or overnight trips 38:48 up to the village every few weeks. 38:49 This time, the surrender has really been switched up from me, 38:54 instead of being bitter about doing medical work instead 38:58 and fighting to be out of the mission field, 39:03 I struggle with wishing we could be more involved 39:05 and missing my friends and life in the village setting 39:07 as we currently live outside of a city 39:09 in a more suburban setting of Thailand. 39:11 Through the last years, 39:14 both Jordan and I have many times talked wishfully 39:18 about some of our dear friends 39:20 who have started amazing projects 39:21 in different areas of Thailand 39:23 and many times we both expressed 39:25 that we wished we could be doing that. 39:27 We all want to do something we perceive as big for God 39:33 but despite willing hearts, 39:35 God has made it clear that it's not our time right now, 39:37 pause... 39:40 I found that it's really easy to start to feel discouraged 39:44 like my life is just in a holding pattern 39:46 and that we just got to stick it out a year or two 39:49 from now till when God sends us again to the front lines 39:53 of His work. 39:54 But the thing I'm realizing more and more 39:57 is that I'm not in a holding pattern at all 39:59 and I'm not on the sidelines of His work. 40:02 I'm right in the middle of the mission work 40:04 that God's given me right now. 40:05 Today, I get to share my story with all of you 40:09 but when I arrive home in a couple of days, 40:13 life will be hugs and kisses from my family 40:17 and it will be really special to be together again 40:20 but there'll also be crying and few tantrums from my kids 40:24 and I'll be horrifically jet lagged 40:26 and there's always a house that I can never quite keep up with 40:30 and trying to figure out what to make for supper. 40:32 Slowly God is impressing in my heart 40:35 that this is my greatest form of mission work 40:37 right now in this season of my life. 40:39 Audience: Amen. 40:41 A month or so ago, 40:43 when I was preparing to share with you here... 40:45 I was struggling with our current circumstances 40:47 and wondering if I really had a message to share 40:48 especially here at ASI 40:51 and I spoke with a friend who said some words 40:54 that really encouraged me. 40:55 She called it the Watchman on the Wall. 40:57 She said that everyone hears the "go-tell-the-world" message 41:00 but who is left there as the watchman on the wall 41:02 to see the weeds growing in our own backyard? 41:05 And that mind-picture has really stuck with me. 41:07 Who will be there as the watchman on the wall 41:10 for our own families if we don't? 41:11 Pause. 41:16 But today, I'm not really here to share just about motherhood 41:20 or any one picture of what service to God might look like. 41:23 Pause. 41:26 I'm just sharing what giving my future to God 41:28 has meant in my own life. 41:29 In the theme of ASI this year, 41:34 I want to challenge you to make an unusual surrender. 41:37 Not just to giving your heart to Christ, 41:40 I'm sure the majority of us here have 41:43 but the unusual surrender of giving not just our heart 41:47 but our lives to God... our plans... our dreams... 41:51 our jobs and family... our future as we see it. 41:54 Pause. 41:56 Somehow trusting God with our heart seems easier 42:00 but our future... we really want to keep a grasp on it 42:04 and I do believe when you pray a prayer 42:07 surrendering your life and your future to God, 42:11 that God will call you to mission work. 42:13 When you pray that prayer, 42:15 you're all of a sudden God's commissary. 42:17 But I also believe that no matter where else God sends you 42:21 mission work will likely start in your home. 42:23 Pause. 42:26 More pause. 42:29 There is a text in Ephesians 2:10, 42:31 it says, "We are God's handiwork, 42:33 crafted in Christ Jesus to do good work, 42:35 which God prepared in advance for us to do. " 42:37 And I want you to think about that, 42:41 how could you refuse a plan that... 42:44 the God who loves you has prepared for you in advance. 42:48 Pause. 42:51 Let's live like God... God does have a plan for our lives 42:57 and don't let the fear 42:59 of what you're afraid God might call you to... 43:01 hold you back... 43:03 whatever God calls us to, He enables us for. 43:06 Pause. 43:10 I know it's a very popular verse and we all know it by heart 43:13 but I always think of the... of the verse, 43:16 "For I know the plans I think of you," says the Lord, 43:18 "plans to prosper you and to give you a hope and a future. " 43:21 And I do believe that it's not always about the way 43:25 you can serve others, 43:26 but about the way God can transform your heart 43:28 through that service. 43:30 Remember how I said earlier 43:32 that I felt like a captive missionary. 43:34 I honestly still feel like a captive missionary 43:38 but this time, I don't want to be free. 43:40 I'm held captive by God's grace in my life. 43:43 Pause. 43:46 God has been absolutely faithful in my life 43:49 from beginning to end. 43:50 Please trust Him to be faithful in your life 43:52 and give Him the things you're holding on to. 43:55 Trust Him for your happiness... 43:57 trust Him to make something great out of your life 44:01 even if it's in small places. 44:03 Pause. 44:06 I want to close with a Bible text that God has brought to me 44:10 repeatedly through my life many times 44:12 at various critical points. 44:14 "He who started the work will be faithful 44:17 to complete it in you. " 44:18 Audience: Amen. 44:21 Pause. 44:23 "Dear Father, Lord thank you so much for the work 44:26 that you have done in my life. 44:28 I'm so thankful for it. 44:29 I pray that you would continue that work in my life 44:33 and that you would be with all of us here. 44:35 Don't let us go until we've made 44:40 a full surrender of our lives to you 44:42 and made that complete commitment... 44:44 please make us useable for you, 44:47 thank you, in Jesus' name, amen. " |
Revised 2019-01-21