Participants: Cheri Peters (Host), Christian Berdahl
Series Code: CLR
Program Code: CLR000045B
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00:13 Pain has a way of clipping our wings and keeping us
00:16 from being able to fly. 00:17 If left unresolved for very long you can almost 00:20 forget that you were made to fly at all. 00:22 You forget that you were made to be loved. 00:25 You forget that God created you in order to laugh 00:28 out loud and be comfortable in your own skin and 00:31 all those kind of things. 00:32 God really wants to step in and bring healing there. 00:37 I didn't know the difference, I really didn't. 00:39 I don't know how it felt to be damaged, 00:41 how it felt to be healthy. 00:42 All of a sudden as I started to get healthy, 00:45 as I started to allowing God to step in, 00:47 it was unbelievable to me what He did. 00:49 The changes, and it is two different lives. 00:52 I'm going to introduce you to our guest today. 00:55 Christian, I just want to say thank you so much 00:58 for being on the program. 00:59 I heard a tiny bit about your testimony and 01:03 I can't wait for it to unfold for us, 01:05 but do you understand what I'm saying? 01:07 Go ahead and tell us little bit about where 01:11 you came from and why is it important to let 01:14 God love you into health. 01:15 Well I didn't have any God or Christianity in 01:21 my whole childhood. 01:23 My mother was a 16 year old when she got pregnant 01:26 with me, 17 when she had me and my father was 19. 01:32 Two kids having a kids and eventually had 2 more 01:36 children, so all 3 of us had the same parents. 01:42 My father was neglectful, he was not in our lives. 01:47 He was alcoholic. 01:50 You know I have to stop you, because I was going to say 01:53 some people say neglectful and that could mean anything. 01:56 So what did it mean in your family? 01:57 He wasn't present, he didn't want to be a daddy. 02:00 He was a kid and he wanted to go off and explore 02:04 and do his own thing and he was involved in drugs, 02:08 alcohol and infidelity. 02:10 My mom finally had enough of it and divorced him. 02:13 Then for the balance of my life, I'm 39 years old now, 02:18 he was still in and out of our lives. 02:20 Ultimately he wound up molesting the 3 of us boys 02:24 when he was totally high. 02:27 My mother divorced him, she had had enough of it. 02:31 You know when you say that, you go over that real quick, 02:36 about molesting of all 3 boys. 02:38 For boys that is, you have to have some incredible 02:43 trauma in that, who am I and how do I grow up. 02:47 How do I look at the world. 02:48 Right, and you know when you are a boy and your father, 02:51 who is supposed to be your protector, violates you, 02:55 that is one of the deepest injuries that a 02:58 young man could ever experience. 03:00 I know it was for me and for years I wanted to have 03:04 this sense of freedom from that. 03:08 I was held bound for so long because of that. 03:11 Frankly, I didn't tell anybody, I didn't tell anybody, 03:13 it was my secret. 03:15 When you have those kind of secrets and you don't 03:18 tell anybody then you begin to wonder did I not say 03:21 anything because maybe that's okay? 03:23 Maybe I liked that or you have all these wacko 03:27 questions go through your mind. 03:28 I can't even imagine, if we could see the energy as a 03:32 substance, that the weight that must been on you as a 03:36 child, just incredibly weighted down in shame. 03:39 Yet all I wanted to be was to be loved by my 03:43 father and my mother. 03:44 I knew that that was not love, I did know that. 03:49 I knew that that was wrong and that it 03:52 should not have happened. 03:53 When he was in and out of our lives, it was one of those 03:57 things where literally we be packed up sitting on the 04:00 porch waiting for him to come and he would never show. 04:03 My mom would give us some sort of excuse just trying 04:06 to comfort our hearts or what have you. 04:08 Then she remarried and then my life got really bad. 04:14 Really bad, Cheri: worse than bad! 04:17 That yeah, that was, if I had to say anything, that 04:20 would be on a scale of 1-10 compared to what happened, 04:23 that had to be a 4 or 5. 04:25 Cheri: That's incredible, I don't think that people 04:28 realize, in some homes, some children what they have gone 04:32 through to get to a place where God can even put His 04:34 hand on them. 04:35 They have gone through so much pain. 04:37 Well, like I said I grew up in a non-Christian home, 04:40 with alcoholism on my whole dad's side 04:42 Sickness and disease on my mother's side. 04:45 Being molested by my biological father, then going 04:50 through this time of 10 years with my stepfather. 04:55 Cheri: so what was he like? 04:56 He was not being led of God at all, there was still 05:02 no God in my life at all. 05:05 He was physically, not sexual or anything like that, 05:10 physically, emotionally and mentally. 05:13 He was an expert at mentally twisting all of our minds. 05:18 My mother was a total victim, she was abused physically, 05:23 she was abused every way. 05:24 Emotionally, physically, sexually, mentally. 05:28 The 3 of us boys were like little servants, little 05:32 slaves, it was never consistent. 05:35 One thing I love about God, is He is consistent. 05:38 I never had any consistency in my life where I could 05:42 come home and do my chores from school. 05:45 We were latch key kids where you let yourself in and 05:47 you are at home, because both my parents worked. 05:50 My step dad and my mom. 05:51 So we had many hours where we were just kind of free 05:54 to do whatever, but as long as our chores were done 05:57 and our homework was done. 05:58 Then you would hear the car door close, my dad's truck door, 06:02 and literally there would be ripples of fear that 06:05 would go through your body because have I done 06:08 anything wrong, is everything not kept right, 06:12 have I done everything just right. 06:13 Even if you had you could still be beaten that day. 06:17 And when I say beaten I don't mean like, 06:19 bad little boy, and you get a spanking, 06:22 I'm talking beaten to where, well I'll spare you all 06:26 the details, but I know what it means to be scourged. 06:30 I mean literally, I had this whole, I'll give you a 06:34 quick idea of a mental games. 06:36 I decided that I had had enough and 06:40 I was going to run away. 06:41 I was a suicidal kid, I was a sad kid, a depressed kid. 06:45 We lived through this oppression, and yet when 06:47 we were out and about everything was supposed 06:50 to look like it was okay. 06:52 You better not say anything or all hell would break 06:56 loose and I believed him because I was 06:58 living in hell already. 07:00 The threats on my life, the threats on my mother's 07:04 life or whatever, I didn't question at all. 07:07 It was oh yeah I could see that happening. 07:10 So I went through this one episode to give you an idea, 07:14 where I was going to run away and I did. 07:18 One of my punishments for something was to stack about 07:22 7 or 8 cords of wood by myself and I would be grounded. 07:25 That's a lot of wood for a little kid to stack. 07:28 I didn't want to do it so I ran away 3 doors 07:31 down to my neighbor's house. 07:33 I wasn't quite as adventurous as I am now. 07:35 He finally found me and my mother came and got me. 07:39 I didn't want to go home, I was sick of the abuse, 07:42 sick of everything. 07:43 For a week and a half he taunted me with what the 07:49 consequence was going to be. 07:51 Cheri: So the consequence didn't come right away? 07:53 Not all the time, sometimes it was immediate, 07:56 other times they were delayed to where he would 07:58 mess with your head. 07:59 He would say, this is going to be a good one. 08:02 This is unacceptable and this is going to be, 08:05 and he kept going. 08:06 Finally, after a number of days, he finally came 08:09 to me and said I've got it figured out let's go. 08:11 I said, let's go, what are you talking about? 08:14 He said, let's go! 08:15 So he got in a car and we are driving down the road 08:18 and we get out of this country area. 08:19 I used to live in the Centro California Valley where 08:21 there was lots of agriculture, lots of almond trees. 08:23 We were driving down and he said pick a road. 08:27 I said what, and anytime I said anything he loved to 08:31 backhand so he would backhand me and say, pick a road. 08:34 So were driving and I pick a road and then we were 08:37 driving along, pick an orchard. 08:38 We went through this whole process and then we get out. 08:41 Then he said, pick a row, and I'm thinking honestly 08:43 the guy was going to hang me. 08:45 I had no idea what was going to happen here. 08:47 Then pick a tree, and pick a limb, then pick a branch. 08:51 Then finally climb up and he had me cut the limb. 08:54 This long thin thing, and he was like oh yeah that's 08:57 a good one and is just relishing in this thought that 09:00 he is going use this as an instrument of torture for me. 09:02 He gets me home and I go to bed, because it is not 09:07 time for the punishment yet. 09:09 Cheri: I can't even imagine. 09:10 Then he has me sit down, this is a true story. 09:13 I mean this is a real, he sits me down with a knife in 09:18 the back yard and has me cut all the little things off. 09:22 The little buds, the little branches, 09:24 and whittled this thing down. 09:26 And then he doesn't do it the next day. 09:28 So finally he comes home and today was the day 09:32 he was going to use it. 09:33 He had me strip buck naked and he whipped me from my 09:38 hair to my heels. 09:40 It was crisscrossed, and raised whelps. 09:44 I mean we are talking that I have been scourged. 09:48 Cheri: when you come again when somebody goes through 09:53 that kind of pain, that kind of craziness it is like 09:59 what about the anger and hatred you had? 10:03 Because that had to be building at the same time. 10:05 Of course it had, that's what happens is, when you are 10:08 young, young and that's your existence you don't know 10:11 any better until you figure out, this isn't right. 10:15 This is not normal. 10:16 I go and stayed at friends homes and their dad would 10:18 actually hug the kids and out was like whoa. 10:21 But you know what happened to my mind when I see that? 10:23 I'm going is he molesting his child. 10:25 I would, I think what do you mean he gave his get a kiss 10:29 woe like that's too gay, that's was kind of where I was. 10:33 I had no love from a father and the rage really, 10:40 really built within me. 10:42 And there with my brothers we were violent little kids. 10:45 We were into WWF wrestling and hurting each other. 10:50 I remember choking my middle brother, 10:52 I felt his windpipe crush in my hands. 10:54 I was suicidal, but my middle brother wrestled the 10:59 knife out of my hand and then we'd fight. 11:01 It was horrible, I was a violent kid, but on the 11:07 outside we better be this perfect little representation 11:11 of what the standard American family needs to be. 11:13 It was a big fat lie. 11:15 He was a big fat facade. 11:17 My neighbors, they knew what was going on. 11:19 nobody says a thing. 11:22 Our family members knew it was going on, but they 11:25 are telling her you made the choice so you have 11:28 to live with it, instead of helping and rescuing us. 11:32 I've been tied up, I was hit so hard in the head 11:35 I had a grand-mall seizure. 11:37 I had Petite-mall seizures in seizures after that 11:40 could only be corrected by medication. 11:43 So we are talking it is the real deal, 11:46 it's the real deal. 11:47 Some people have different varying degrees of abuse. 11:51 Some of it is neglect, some is their father didn't 11:54 spend enough time with them or what have you. 11:56 Some is like mine and some is even worse than mine was. 12:01 But the bottom line is any abuse God doesn't sanction. 12:07 God doesn't want us to stay in that. 12:12 I remember crying out one-day and hearing my mother, 12:16 she was abused so bad and she would always try to fight 12:20 for us and different things but it was of no avail. 12:24 I would sit there and just listen to them and would 12:28 cry myself to sleep every night. 12:30 I honestly thought that there could not possibly 12:35 be a God out there that loves me. 12:37 There could not possibly be a God, 12:39 I had heard about God. 12:41 You live in America it's hard not to hear about God. 12:44 I just thought to myself, well if God would allow this, 12:48 I remember screaming and crying out one night just 12:50 saying, if there is a God out there than 12:52 get me out of this. 12:54 I thought You were powerful, why? 12:56 What have I done, and I would just sit there. 12:59 My lot would start the next day over 13:01 and over and over again. 13:04 It was just one of those things, I saw no way out. 13:09 I saw no way out and not only that, I was so torn down, 13:14 beaten down that I had no value. 13:18 I had no self-esteem, I was totally defeated. 13:21 My grades were horrible, I had to be held 13:25 back in the fourth grade. 13:26 I just wasn't thriving anywhere and I was a mess. 13:31 My brothers were too. 13:32 So it was one of those situations where I just, 13:35 it was utter despair, it was utter wait, 13:42 it was the epitome of hopelessness. 13:46 Cheri: and not even, I can't even imagine you 13:50 approaching your home, to go into the home, because it 13:52 would be like I don't even want to go in there again. 13:54 I don't want to do this again. 13:56 I wanted to stay the night, wherever I could, 14:00 at a friends house just to have a reprieve. 14:03 Cheri: so how does God change a child like that? 14:09 How did you meet? 14:10 All I can say is when God was there, because He was 14:17 there sister, He was there. 14:19 He did not make this happen, it was choices my mother 14:24 had made and those choices passed on to me. 14:28 They were negative choices that lead to negative things. 14:32 So I found myself in a situation, I look back now and 14:35 you can intellectualize this and understand it, 14:38 but back then you don't. 14:39 Cheri: but I want talk about it a few minutes 14:43 after you finish your testimony that those choices 14:46 are important, every choice we make is important. 14:49 Christian: no question, so how did I come out of 14:52 all this? What happened? 14:53 As a sophomore in high school 14:55 I went to Child Protective Services. 14:57 Cheri: somebody finally called? 14:58 Christian: no I went, I just showed up at the little 15:02 office in my high school and said - 15:03 and you know what, you want to talk about trembling 15:08 and fear because every one I had ever trusted had 15:13 either violated me, had gone back on their words, 15:17 there was nobody that I could trust. 15:19 I didn't even know if I could trust this lady that 15:23 I was going to go and talk to. 15:24 You know if you say the wrong thing, if they say the 15:27 wrong thing and all of a sudden make that phone call, 15:30 I could be in some serious trouble. 15:32 You don't want to ever bring more trouble so 15:35 I was covertly going around telling her what was 15:38 happening and eventually we got to a place where 15:41 we set up this intervention. 15:45 I wanted the power, I have been so powerless for so 15:49 long, so we set this thing up to where I could make a 15:54 phone call and an arrest would happen. 15:56 Everything would be set into motion. 15:59 I set my step dad and my mom down, and I was trembling. 16:03 I was trembling inside but I knew that a new day was 16:08 dawning and I sat there and said, I have been talking 16:13 to some people at school. 16:14 I will not stand for what is happening in this home 16:19 anymore, if you and I looked him straight in the eye. 16:23 Cheri: how brave you were I just want to say what who! 16:26 Christian: Praise God! Cheri: as you know that 16:28 everything in your life said that 16:32 was going against everything. 16:34 Christian: and this is where I believe God was with me. 16:40 I didn't kill myself, I wasn't killed, and my brothers 16:45 weren't either and my mother was either. 16:47 I believe God was there protecting as much as He could 16:51 because He had been shunned out of our lives. 16:54 Cheri: and you needed to tell somebody. 16:56 Christian: I needed to tell somebody and God 16:57 led me to the right person. 16:58 I believe with all my heart God gave me the strength to 17:02 sit there and look that accuser in the eye, to look 17:06 at that perpetrator and say the beatings will stop. 17:09 I said if you touch one more hair on anyone of our 17:14 heads there will be arrests and investigations 17:17 and it is all over. 17:19 I just went inside and within he got up and stormed 17:25 off and bolted off to the back of the house and my 17:29 mother followed him darting after him. 17:30 Within moments she came back and said, 17:33 why are you doing this to us? 17:35 I mean I've spanked you too and I would get in trouble. 17:37 I said mother with a wooden spoon you know. 17:40 I said no, he had her wrapped around his finger 17:44 in a moments time again. 17:46 So my mother, praise God, woke up, 17:50 this was a wake-up call for her. 17:52 She woke up and a number of months after that she got 17:56 all of her affairs in order, she got that courage 17:58 that I believe God instilled in her as well, 18:01 to where eventually we left. 18:04 Cheri: the reality is when your children start to speak, 18:07 you have to say is my child lying or is this the truth. 18:11 Christian: because she was a victim herself, 18:13 she was so oppressed as well. 18:15 So what happened was, my mother arranged for police 18:21 standing by, all the family was coming, 18:23 we moved out in a day. 18:25 The cops were there and we were free, 18:30 I mean we were FREE! 18:32 For the first time, I remember walking into a home 18:35 and going like no one is going to touch me. 18:40 I was free and with that freedom my mother and 18:45 I just embraced it and were excited about it. 18:48 I got involved in theater, we moved to a 18:51 different city, I got involved theater in 18:53 high school as a junior and senior. 18:55 Got really addicted to performing and being on stage. 19:01 Eventually I was winning awards and singing up there. 19:05 I got all the lead parts and all of those kind of things 19:09 because what happened in my mind was I went from being 19:12 this oppressed, where I wasn't going to buy it, to 19:15 wanting to overachieve and become successful in 19:18 everything I did and touched. 19:19 Cheri: exactly! 19:20 My grades went up, I got 4.0's everything 19:22 just changed in my life just been freed. 19:25 My brothers went the opposite direction. 19:28 They went into drugs and alcohol and 19:32 they are still struggling today. 19:34 My youngest brother started using at 12 years old. 19:37 Cheri: you know you have to deal with that pain 19:40 because we were not created for that much pain 19:42 and that much abuse. 19:44 Christian: they cloaked it with alcohol and drugs, 19:47 and my youngest brother smoked pot 19:50 like they were cigarettes. 19:51 Up to just 2 years ago he has 2 years sobriety. 19:56 He is in AA and NA. 19:58 Cheri: so tell him God bless him. 20:01 Christian: I will and I am going to give them a tape 20:02 of this program because it is a real thing and to this 20:05 day they're struggling but they're having victory. 20:08 So my youngest brother is coming to God and he has a 20:12 relationship with the Lord. 20:14 Cheri: so let me get back to you is, so there was 20:16 this performance when did you come to God? 20:17 Was it during that time? 20:19 No it wasn't during that time, in fact I didn't 20:21 come to any sort of a relationship with Christ 20:23 until my mid-twenties. 20:25 Cheri: and the reason I have to ask, you know why have 20:27 to ask is that I think, I've seen people come into the 20:29 recovery, do all kinds of stuff, but coming out of the 20:33 abuse is not healing. 20:35 Christian: no it is not, Cheri: you know what I mean? 20:37 Christian: exactly!, Cheri: I believe God offers 20:39 healing and that is why I'm always saying, well, 20:41 went God come in, when did you get it? 20:42 Christian: well when I got through with high school 20:46 and went on to junior college, I start taking a bunch 20:49 of Ology classes in many of the Ology classes teach you 20:52 absolutely opposite and against God. 20:54 And so the only Cheri: one of my Psychology classes 20:57 almost killed me Christian: exactly! 20:58 I took child psych and I've learned about Freud and 21:01 thought know that guy is a freak because I lived 21:04 with a freak and I know what freak it is. 21:06 I wound up having many, and I left out I was abused 21:12 by a babysitter sexually and other things happened 21:16 as well after we left my biological father as well. 21:22 So there are lots of other junk in there, but what 21:25 happened was, I found that I wanted to better myself. 21:30 I wasn't going to be a victim. 21:31 I found out was actually addicted to be in a victim. 21:35 Even though I was overachieving and trying to do all 21:39 this kind of stuff, in whatever I did I wanted it 21:41 to be perfect and done just right. 21:42 It was the sense that I wanted to 21:45 prove my step-dad wrong. 21:47 I got into martial arts and got into competition, 21:50 my whole goal was to go back and to literally 21:53 rip is head off and kill him. 21:55 I did not want that person on this earth 21:59 to hurt someone else. 22:00 I started taking all these self-help courses and 22:05 all the powers within, and poly positive thinking 22:10 and all this kind of stuff. 22:11 I did everything I could find, devoured books 22:14 and courses and went to seminars and it would 22:17 work for little bit. 22:18 I was a happy well-adjusted guy for a little bit. 22:22 Then through a series of amazing events, 22:25 God got a hold of my life. 22:27 He got a hold of me through a health problem. 22:30 My whole lifestyle changed and I was now open to 22:36 the idea that there was a God. 22:41 Wasn't sold, because I had heard of Him as 22:45 my Father in heaven. 22:46 Okay, and another father that is probably going to 22:50 abuse me because everyone had. 22:52 So fathers don't have good things in my mind, right? 22:55 So I was sure was going to be do this, a bad place in 23:01 the universe, and I wasn't about you trust anyone. 23:06 What happened was I found a scripture, that was 23:11 shared with me because a friend of mine had heard 23:16 of some of my childhood. 23:18 Not a lot of people know all the details about it. 23:21 All of a sudden he gives me this Scripture in 23:27 Matthew 11:28 and it says, "come unto me all ye that 23:34 labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. " 23:40 It doesn't say I might, it doesn't say if you're 23:44 good enough, it didn't say if you were cleaned of 23:48 all these rageful ideas and even fantasizing of going 23:52 and taking somebody's life who had hurt me. 23:55 No it's said, "come unto me all ye that heavy laden 23:58 and I will give you rest. " 24:00 I was I heavy ladened kid, I need rest from that. 24:03 I had so much emotional baggage 24:05 I couldn't love properly. 24:08 Cheri: Amen or be loved. 24:10 Christian: or beloved, I wouldn't accept it, 24:11 even if someone wanted to come near me and give me an 24:14 affectionate hug, or touch my hair I would shy away. 24:17 His thing was that he really love to get our hair and 24:21 his on the head and different things. 24:22 So I couldn't even be affectionately touched and 24:26 yet I was crying out for it, I needed affection, 24:29 I needed love, I needed someone 24:31 to love me unconditionally. 24:32 I met this beautiful young lady and I just spilled 24:37 my beans with her. 24:39 And she accepted it and spilled her beans with me, 24:42 and she had been hurt and violated in her past. 24:44 We built this wonderful friendship and it was the 24:48 first person I could ever really trust. 24:50 She didn't want anything from me and I didn't want 24:53 anything from her, we were monogamists. 24:56 We were not even involved we were just friends. 24:58 I even asked her if I could hold her hand eventually. 25:00 It was just this neat innocent thing, and they were so 25:04 much lack of innocence in my life up till that point. 25:06 But I couldn't love her completely, and I have had other 25:13 relationships with women and I couldn't ever love them. 25:18 I was so egotistical and I was so proud and pompous, 25:23 everything was about me, because nothing had been 25:26 about me before and I swung to the other side. 25:29 I have to say that is real common for 25:31 people who get abused, proboto know that is intense, 25:34 this grandiosity and all those kind of things 25:36 as a way of just clothe all that junk. 25:41 It just, some but he will look at him and say 25:43 that guy is so arrogant and he really is not. 25:46 Christian: because inside you are just going, 25:48 you're just this little messed up kid, so you 25:52 put on this facade and you don't even affect 25:55 it or act it is just what happens as a coping device. 25:58 And that is what I did and I escaped through 26:01 theater and all that. 26:02 Cheri: and you were talking about that also being 26:04 that you were used to the victim role, 26:07 so you are used to being a victim. 26:09 Christian: I was and that is when I went on that 26:11 discovery course of trying to find myself, who I am, 26:17 and do I have value. 26:18 I was going to be a millionaire by the time I was 30. 26:22 I was going to be rich and successful at all this type 26:24 of thing and I went all through all those courses. 26:26 They lasted for a little bit and if my effects 26:31 or results were there for maybe a 26:32 couple months or whatever. 26:33 Then back to all my old bad programming, 26:36 that I don't amount to anything, not worth anything 26:39 to anybody, I can't beloved, not lovable, 26:41 and all this stuff until. 26:43 Cheri: I like the until, I'm like come on. 26:46 Until have we sufficed that the bad news is bad? 26:51 Because the bad news is only as bad as the good news is. 26:57 So the good news is Jesus got a hold of my heart and 27:04 He began to perform a surgery in my life. 27:07 It was real people, because I had tried everything 27:11 else and it never lasted. 27:13 I'm a 12 year Christian now and it has lasted. 27:18 God began to dissect that emotional baggage from me. 27:21 I couldn't even talk hardly about my childhood 27:24 without just breaking down. 27:26 To this day my brother, big, thick, burly 6 foot guy, 27:30 and you talked him about his childhood, he just breaks. 27:35 He doesn't have Christ in his life. 27:38 He hasn't had the deliverance that I have had, 27:41 come unto me all ye that labor, under the weight 27:46 of your junk, what ever it is, and I will give you rest. 27:50 It doesn't say I might, I'll think about it, He says I 27:53 will, I promise. 27:56 You know why, because God has loved me from day one. 28:00 He has seen all the torture and all the junk I lived 28:03 through and He hasn't wanted that for me. 28:05 He had something else in mind, but because of my 28:08 my mother's choices that didn't happen in my life 28:11 So my early years can you characterized by, I didn't 28:15 know God yet, but He was still my protector. 28:18 Amen! The middle part of my life God was, yes my 28:23 protector continually, and also He became my Savior. 28:28 I remember praying that prayer and just saying Jesus, 28:30 you know I can pray different today than I used to, 28:33 I would just say, look if you take me I'm here. 28:37 I want that freedom, I've got a lot of issues, 28:41 I got a lot of junk, I've got a lot of stuff and Jesus said, 28:44 yes I have been here the whole time Christian, welcome! 28:48 Into actually acknowledging and excepting that power, 28:53 that deliverance, that grace and the mercy and the 28:56 forgiveness for sin. 28:58 Cheri: what is really interesting to me is I think 29:00 all of heaven does back flips. 29:01 It's like anytime we start to look up, it's like oh, 29:04 finally that somebody will call out in their 29:07 sense to let Me intervene. 29:09 What is really interesting to me, what I found 29:12 out with God in my own life, is I can't intervene 29:14 in everybody's choices. 29:15 People are going to still make bad choices and all 29:17 that kind of stuff, but if you're done I can jump 29:20 into your life, if you're done, if you're stepping 29:23 out of all that, if you were saying, come into 29:26 to my heart and cut away this anger, 29:29 this revenge and this hurt, this damage. 29:32 I need some healing, I need some rest. 29:34 Christian: my legacy, let's just call it like it is. 29:38 My legacy should according to cultivated and 29:40 hereditary tendencies be too evil. 29:42 What I should be is a child molesting, child abusing, 29:49 pot smoking, alcohol drinking, can't hold down a job, 29:55 a rage-aholic, that should be my destiny according to 29:59 popular thought processes, even counseling. 30:03 You know what I didn't have to go to a counselor 30:06 to be rewired, Jesus Christ, because I said take me, 30:10 re-wired me and so I am a loving father, I don't 30:15 abuse my children, I don't look at a child and 30:17 think in an inappropriate way. 30:20 I Look into the eyes of children and tell you almost 30:24 every time if that child is abused or not. 30:26 I know, I have been there, I can see it in their eyes. 30:30 So now God has worked things out in my life to where I 30:34 became a Christian, I gave my life to Him. 30:36 I went from worldly working in the world to a Ministry 30:41 overnight, it's amazing, me in a Ministry. 30:45 Give me a break I would have never thought 30:46 that in a million years. 30:48 But then I started to have this desire to serve God. 30:52 And I serve Him and have been serving Him since that 30:54 day, my whole life is about serving God now and 30:57 telling other people there is a way out. 31:00 Cheri: there is a way out. 31:01 Christian: and it's Jesus Christ, the righteous. 31:02 Cheri: I'm going to open up the floor for questions, 31:05 because I know people have questions for you and 31:07 then we will get back into, I want to know 31:09 specifically how you got rid of the anger. 31:10 Okay, Joleen you had a question. 31:13 Joleen: Actually Cheri that is the question that I had 31:16 as far as anger. 31:18 You know I can so relate to your story Christian, 31:20 I too grew up in a home where our dad was just so 31:24 physically abusive, and not to his kids because 31:28 there's actually 8 of us, to my mom. 31:30 I mean from just years and years of mental, sexual, 31:35 physical every kind of abuse. 31:37 It was different for us because we weren't physically 31:41 abused, but we were made to stand there and watch. 31:44 He would make us up at two in the morning to watch my 31:49 dad beat my mom and we would have to clean the house 31:51 at two o'clock the morning on school nights because 31:54 the house had to be in order and be perfect. 31:56 You know I think nothing is right in their world, 31:59 it was like they need something in order on the outside. 32:02 But my question is, we grew up hating our dad and there 32:07 was so much anger just watching that day in and day out. 32:11 There was a time when dad abused her so bad that he 32:14 actually took her out of state and said she was 32:17 in a car accident, because he almost killed her. 32:19 So we had such hatred and anger, how did you deal with 32:24 that, how did you get past that, and how did you actually 32:26 come to the point where you forgive? 32:28 Cheri: that's huge! 32:29 Christian: yeah it is. 32:31 Dealing with the anger was something that didn't happen 32:34 overnight, in fact honestly I didn't realize how angry 32:38 and how explosive I actually was. 32:41 I mean even in the little things in my life, I would 32:43 be so amped up, and so enraged, because it was all 32:48 the strings that Satan had bound to my soul you know. 32:52 So what began to happen in my life, like I mentioned 32:56 I was in martial arts, that gave me a physical outlet 33:00 but not an emotional one. 33:01 Unfortunately every time I was kicking a bag or an 33:04 opponent I saw his face and I would just kind of 33:06 annihilate him. 33:07 One day I went, I think this was really pivotal for me, 33:13 I went and approached him in my mid-twenties. 33:17 I know where he works, he has his own company, and I 33:20 went in there and I said, he didn't even recognize me. 33:23 I said, Cheri: wasn't there a part of you, you almost 33:28 totally destroyed my life and you don't even recognize 33:31 me, you know you just want to grab him, are you kidding 33:34 me, I think about you every day of my life. 33:36 Christian: isn't it amazing? Cheri: yes! 33:38 That's what happens and I was a victim still 33:41 Cheri: when you're saying that, it's like that's not so 33:43 right! Christian: it wasn't, but I went there and 33:46 approached, I approached him and said, he was starting 33:51 to mess with my adult life is what happened. 33:53 I went to him and said look you messed with my childhood, 33:56 you are not going to mess with my adult life. 33:59 If you so much as say one more thing I'm going to come 34:02 back here and take you out, and he saw the resolve 34:05 in my eyes, I got in a stance and was ready to round- 34:09 house him right to the head. 34:10 I was ready, I saw in that moment, because he started to 34:15 come I was sitting in a chair and he realized who I was. 34:17 He was poking me in the chest, and said what are you 34:20 doing here in my place, and I stood up and brushed him 34:23 off and I was a little taller than him, he was so huge 34:27 in my mind, and I was a little taller than him. 34:31 I realized at that moment 34:33 I looked at him and said this whole discourse and 34:35 told him look, you are pathetic little man, 34:39 stay out of my life. 34:42 I turned around and walked out. 34:44 Now I don't recommend this is what everybody does. 34:46 I'm just telling you my testimony, this is what I did. 34:49 But it was a moment in time where I realized I'm not 34:53 going to let you hold me bound anymore. 34:56 There again I wasn't even a Christian at this point. 34:58 But it was God working in my mind and changing me and 35:03 rewiring me, and then years later as I became a 35:08 Christian, then God said, we have to start dealing 35:12 with this rage that's inside of you. 35:14 So what God did is He took me on a little journey. 35:17 In my mind I could see that he was an abused little boy. 35:23 He was, because I knew his father, my step grandpa. 35:28 I saw this heritage of these staunch, Portuguese family 35:33 that was just so hard, so mean and cruel to each other. 35:38 They call that family, so dysfunctional. 35:42 I was able to, in fact I began to pray, this was a key. 35:46 I began to pray, Jesus help me to see my step dad, 35:50 how YOU see him. 35:52 I didn't want it, I didn't want to see it because 35:56 he didn't deserve to be in heaven. 35:58 That is where I was. 36:00 So God took me on a process to where I actually 36:04 decided okay, I want to see him how You see him. 36:08 I saw he was a trapped victim, he was allowing his 36:14 experience to victimize him and he was in turn 36:19 victimizing other people. 36:20 So I saw him as a soul that Jesus died for, 36:23 that was a miracle, that was a miracle! 36:26 You told me a little of your testimony and I know 36:29 to be able to look at him and honestly look at him now, 36:32 and I hope and I do pray for him. 36:34 I hope that if God can change him, and I know God can 36:39 because God has changed me. 36:40 I'm free I'm filled with joy, I'm a joy filled saved 36:44 man Amen! Cheri: all those foods are healed for you. 36:47 Christian: they're all healed, I am healed to were now 36:50 I can love my wife, that girlfriend I wound up marrying, 36:54 her, I can love her freely. 36:56 I was separated from her for a while, God got a-hold of 36:59 my heart, in that six-month period of time he cut away 37:02 so much baggage, so much anger fell out of a lot of my 37:05 life, where when she came back into my life, 37:07 she was like who are you? 37:09 Who are you? 37:10 I was free to love and I could just hold her and hug 37:13 her, she was like what, this is the love of 37:15 Jesus that has made me whole. 37:20 Do you know what I'm saying, it's real and it is the 37:23 only thing that has lasted in my life. 37:25 God has never abused me, God has only done good things 37:29 to me, He has only held me in His hands and said, 37:32 Christian I will never, never hurt you. 37:35 I will never touch you in an inappropriate way, 37:38 and you know what I'm longing for, I'm longing for 37:43 that day when my Father, because I have a Father now. 37:48 I have never had one, I have a Father. 37:51 He is going to take me and put His arm around me and 37:54 say, come on Christian, let's go take a walk by that 37:57 river of life, let's go sit under that tree. 37:59 Let's go one have that walk and say, you are all Mine 38:04 right now, Amen! 38:06 So how did I do away with the anger? 38:09 I didn't do away with it, Jesus Christ did away with it. 38:13 He cut it away from me and it fell over that 38:15 abyss into the sea. 38:17 And you know what I don't go fishing for it anymore. 38:21 I would do that in my life, I would say and start 38:25 to feel sad and sorry for myself, I would start that 38:28 victim roll all over again. 38:30 All the things that were happening in my life were 38:33 because of what happened to me and my childhood. 38:35 No, God said, Christian your past does not have to 38:39 equal your present or your future. 38:42 I have an expected end for you, Amen! 38:46 So he took me from this guy that was learning about 38:51 Jesus to where he eventually, and I work for a couple 38:54 different ministries and then the Lord pulls me into 38:56 this full-time Ministry that we started 9 years ago. 38:59 Now I go and sing and preach around the country and 39:02 I give my testimony. 39:03 You know it breaks my heart when I give my testimony, 39:08 and it is a real testimony, I have young people that 39:11 come up to me and say, HELP! 39:14 I have married women come up to me and go HELP! 39:18 We have to give the church, because friends the church 39:22 is just as messed up some times, 39:24 because the church is a hospital. 39:26 The church is not for perfect people because if it 39:28 was I wouldn't be there, is for people that need 39:30 to be repaired and fixed and patched up. 39:33 I had lots of holes in me. 39:34 It's a hospital, so there is a bunch of walking wounded 39:39 and I didn't realize it. 39:41 I thought when I joined the church, I was the only 39:43 messed up one. 39:44 Cheri: you know there is some healing when you start 39:46 talking to each other. Christian: absolutely! 39:48 Cheri: God did this for me yesterday and somebody's 39:50 like you know what I going to pray for that today. 39:52 It is like being able to verbally say, and you know 39:55 what God is continuously, every day bringing 39:58 me a step closer, helping me to forgive. 40:00 So now in our Ministry as we sing, and preach, 40:03 and do media work as well, what has opened 40:07 up was this counseling. 40:08 We invite people into our homes, married people, 40:11 people that are having problems, youth that are 40:13 struggling, suicidal kids. 40:15 We just invite them in to our family and show them 40:18 that there is a way that God wants us to live and 40:21 to love each other, to be a happy patriarchal 40:25 family with a loving wife, and little 40:27 kids that love worship. 40:28 Cheri: in a father that adores them. 40:30 And I do I love them and adore them, I'm missing 40:32 them terribly even right now. 40:33 We have another question, so Sam you had a question. 40:37 Well yes Cheri, Christian I feel your pain because 40:42 I was in an abusive- 40:43 Christian: brother I have no more pain, so keep going. 40:45 No, I felt your pain as a child because I had a 40:48 father-son relationship similar to yours to the point 40:52 where I hated my father and I looking for the day 40:55 up when I could become independent from my father. 40:57 Therefore I had a really skewed picture of God 41:02 and I didn't want God in my life. 41:04 I became a high achiever, I wanted to do things 41:09 independently as a self achiever. 41:11 I could do everything without God, without nobody 41:13 because all those putdowns from my dad, you know they 41:17 created a scar in my life that I wanted to bury deep. 41:21 I said I can do everything, and you know what, 41:24 I found out that I could not do it. 41:26 Philippians 4:13 became my text, "I can do all things 41:32 through God that strengthens me. " 41:34 But my question to you is how did you become 41:37 independent from God at one time, did you feel that 41:43 independence where you felt like God, I don't need You, 41:46 You weren't there for me because you didn't think 41:48 He was there for you? 41:49 Most of, up till that time I had that moment that 41:54 euphony, Jesus say come unto me all you that are 41:56 heavy laden I will give you rest. 41:57 I needed that, I was a self-sufficient individual. 42:02 I didn't need anybody to tell me anything, 42:04 I didn't want anyone to give me rules and that is 42:06 how I saw God because I had a little exposure 42:08 to the Catholic Church. 42:09 He was a bunch of rules and regulations, 42:10 I bunch of hypocrites going in there that were 42:12 fighting and tangling with each other but become holy in the 42:15 parking lot before they walked in the church. 42:17 So I didn't want God, I had no desire for Him. 42:21 To think that another dictator in my life, 42:24 that was the last thing I wanted. 42:26 But I had his skewed vision of what God was. 42:30 God, as you mentioned in the beginning, God is love. 42:35 God is love, and a wish we could go on but 42:38 we are out of time and I just have to say 42:41 I am so proud of what God has done in your life. 42:44 I'm proud of you for responding to it and 42:46 I know that He is not done. 42:48 You have a beautiful family, incredible ministry, 42:50 a vocalist, I can't wait to get a CD right? 42:54 Christian: I'll get you one. 42:55 All right that's a deal Cheri: pinky promise? 42:56 Christian: pinky promise alright. 42:57 Cheri: So I just want to say God bless you and may 43:01 be one of these days we'll have you come back on so 43:03 we can go into more depth of what God has done to get 43:06 rid of the anger, to get rid of the depression, 43:08 get rid of the unforgiveness. 43:10 Once He steps into our lives and does that, 43:12 oh man you know I what, I want to kiss Him on the face, 43:15 and just say You wow me, You wow me. 43:18 We will be right back, stay with us! |
Revised 2014-12-17