Participants: Cheri Peters (Host), Joe Bates, Melissa Bates
Series Code: CLR
Program Code: CLR00058A
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00:10 Welcome to Celebrating Life in Recovery!
00:12 Today we're going to look 00:13 at one of the most important 00:14 things that you need to 00:15 know in order to recover. 00:16 Come on in and join us! 00:42 Welcome back and I told 00:44 you that this is the most 00:45 important thing in recovery 00:46 and I wasn't kidding. 00:47 What is really funny is to me is when God started to unfold 00:51 this to me, I said, oh stop! 00:54 This cannot be it. 00:55 I remember thinking that I have looked at, coming off of 01:00 heroin, I have looked at dysfunctional home stuff, 01:03 I looked at early molest, I have looked at anger. 01:06 In fact the anger issue just cracks me up is that 01:09 somebody earlier on said Cheri have you ever been angry 01:12 about anything in your past? 01:13 You know I have been homeless for 10 years and strung out. 01:15 My parents were addict's. 01:17 My mom tried to self abort with me, and all that stuff. 01:20 And I said, no I don't think so. 01:23 They are just like, oh man, she's such in denial. 01:26 So that I realized that even in dealing with anger, 01:29 I was angry for a year and all this stuff. 01:31 I thought I had done some really good work, and finally 01:35 God asked me to do the dishes. 01:38 I thought, are you kidding me? 01:42 Are you kidding me? 01:44 Because you know in my home, doing the dishes was like 01:47 punishment, doing the laundry. 01:50 If everybody was messed up in the house, if everybody is 01:54 on drugs and strung out, so who ever was going to get 01:59 punished had to do the dishes. 02:01 Or they had to the laundry. 02:03 Or they had to go into the bathroom, so when God told me 02:06 to do the dishes, I pouted. 02:07 I was like, what did I do? 02:09 He is like, you are asking for recovery. 02:11 So I am asking for recovery, I am not asking for the 02:14 dishes to be done. 02:15 So God started to slowly talk to me about simple things. 02:21 I thought can I just get someone in to do the dishes? 02:26 He was like, no, I want you to do them. 02:29 What was really interesting is that He started to work 02:31 on me about simple stuff. 02:33 Preparing meals, doing the dishes, vacuuming, 02:36 getting the laundry done. 02:38 One time, oh man I just hate to admit this stuff. 02:42 One time I had been married like 10 years, my husband 02:46 look at me one time and he teared up and said, Cheri 02:50 are you ever going to iron my shirts? 02:54 I said I married you because you had an iron. 02:57 I was hoping you would iron my shirt. 02:59 So which just like God coming in and saying these simple things. 03:05 So that is where my next guest comes in. 03:09 Is I was traveling and doing a church gig. 03:12 Melissa I got to stay at your house, right? 03:15 Yep! - First of all I want to say thanks for being 03:16 on the program. 03:18 Thank you. 03:19 I got to stay at your house, and I made a joke about 03:22 what God was teaching me. 03:23 About doing the dishes and I want you to tell people 03:28 what you said to me. 03:29 Because like it killed me, just the things that God 03:32 was teaching you. 03:33 Yeah you know it was just 03:35 that for so long my 03:38 house had been disorganized. 03:40 I just did not have any real 03:44 skills as far as homemaking. 03:46 I think it started out as a kid, my mom had just not 03:51 really been able to teach us about organization. 03:54 As you are talking to me about your mom, about how 03:57 crazy your home life was, your mom was in the background. 04:00 It is so funny, because she's in the background going, 04:02 it is so true and that cracked me up too. 04:07 You were so sweetly saying that, but she was saying 04:10 that Melissa is being nice, because it was 04:14 horribly disorganized. 04:15 Yeah, it was pretty bad. 04:16 My mom just suffered from depression and so she did not 04:22 really realize the house is disorganized, it is dirty, 04:27 we couldn't have people over. 04:31 I can remember as a kid, if we ever wanted to have a 04:34 birthday party we would have to have at my grandparents 04:37 house, or somewhere else. 04:39 We did not have people over to our house. 04:41 It was that bad? 04:43 So you really didn't learn anything? 04:45 No, no! 04:46 So I want to get away from that for a minute, the house 04:49 cleaning thing because sometimes I think we get stuck 04:52 on that thinking it is all about house cleaning. 04:55 But how did that, because you ended up getting rebellious 04:58 and getting into a lot of stuff. 05:00 So let's talk about that and then I want to bring it back 05:02 to the dishes because what cracked me up about God is 05:05 that when He said, it all relates. 05:07 If somebody is listening right now, and they are strung 05:10 out or dealing with sexual addictions, or drug addictions 05:13 and are just rebellious and angry, they are not going to 05:16 buy the fact that it relates to everything, the home life 05:20 and what it was like. 05:21 So go ahead and tell about how it looked in your, 05:26 even early teens. 05:28 Well I can remember feeling smothered in my house. 05:34 For one thing we had a bunch of stuff, clutter, 05:37 but also my mom didn't want us to go anywhere or do 05:40 anything and so I felt smothered as a child. 05:45 So when I got to be a teenager and I realize that 05:48 I don't have to listen to her. 05:49 I left, I became a habitual run away from the time I was 05:54 about 15 until my 16th year, probably about a year. 05:59 And I hate to, I feel so heartless, what I laugh about 06:05 I think that you are just the nicest person. 06:08 Every time I have gotten to hang out with you, 06:12 you are the nicest person. 06:13 Your heart is huge and sweet and all that stuff. 06:18 I can't even imagine you being rebellious 06:20 and running away. 06:22 I know that you know when you talk, I can see 06:24 the tears in your eyes. 06:25 I can see that this was not an easy time, but you could 06:29 not stand it and I can see that when I look at you. 06:32 I think no way, there is no way. 06:34 You were out of control? 06:36 And no one could tell you what to do? 06:39 No nope, I pretty much did what I will wanted. 06:42 My boyfriend at the time was living in a crack house so 06:47 I moved in with him and we stayed there. 06:49 It was just a very dysfunctional life I guess. 06:56 Not a life for a 15-year-old. 06:58 Then when I finally, I was 16, I have been engaged once. 07:04 Then have been engaged again to someone else and I got pregnant. 07:09 That is when God really changed my life. 07:13 In what way, because you know how do you get, and a lot 07:16 of people don't realize, unless you have been there. 07:20 When you have so much damage, and you have so many lies 07:23 that you have told yourself, and that you have learned 07:25 from growing up with all this dysfunction, how does God 07:28 get through? How did He get through to you? 07:30 Well He just really at the time, before I started 07:35 rebelling, I had been baptized. 07:37 In grade school I had led a Daniel 7 Bible study 07:42 with other kids in my class. 07:45 You taught them? 07:46 Yep, we just all got together and said this would be 07:49 something interesting to study. 07:50 So I had a heart for God, but I just kept falling. 07:56 I just kept messing up and I thought at the time, 07:59 that I needed to be good in order to get to heaven. 08:03 That is what I had been taught. 08:05 So I realized I can't be good enough and I might as well 08:12 stop trying, so that is when I really rebelled. 08:16 I said, I'm going to live my life like I want to. 08:19 It feels good at the time. 08:22 Take God off the table, family of the table, I am not 08:25 going to listen to anything and I am not going to feel 08:28 guilty anymore. 08:29 Right, and so when they came back to God, He was just 08:32 leading me step by step. 08:34 Just baby steps you know. 08:36 I wanted my daughter to be raised in the church and to 08:39 know God, so that is what got me back into church. 08:42 You are about Cassidy, you're oldest daughter? 08:45 Yes! My oldest daughter. 08:46 She is amazing. 08:47 We are going to meet her on the next half. 08:49 So I started going back to church and God use that to 08:55 bring into my life people who taught me about 08:58 righteousness by faith, and how... 09:00 what did they teach you about that? 09:02 Because we are studying that this whole season. 09:05 Yeah, I know and when I was talking to my husband 09:07 about it, I said that was such a God thing. 09:10 Because it is something that is so near and dear to our 09:12 hearts that we can not be saved by doing, 09:18 we are saved by Christ. 09:20 Say that in a way that somebody that has never been in 09:24 a church before can hear you. 09:26 What does that mean? 09:27 Because that is why am have the hardest part is how 09:30 do you explain to somebody what righteousness by faith 09:32 means, because it sounds so churchy. 09:35 What really got to me is that Christ gave each one of us 09:41 a gift of eternal life. 09:44 Everybody, people who are strung out on crack or whatever, 09:47 they have eternal life. 09:49 It's like being a millionaire and having a million 09:51 dollars in the bank account and never using it. 09:53 Not even knowing it is there? 09:55 Well yeah! 09:56 I love that especially since I'm a heroine addict. 09:59 Not quite a crack addict, but when God said you have 10:03 eternal life and all that stuff. 10:05 The first part of eternal life thing scared me. 10:08 For one, I know, is that we have to receive it before 10:11 we can actually, if it is in the bank I have 10:14 to know it is there? 10:16 But I thought at first, you know eternal life, dealing with 10:20 all this stuff almost sounded like a curse. 10:22 So I had to be more than just the eternal life 10:25 that got you? 10:26 Well for sure it was that God loved me. 10:29 Let me clarify the cursing, because they do not think 10:31 of that now as a curse. 10:32 But then I was thinking about all my junk and 10:34 insecurities, my addictions, behavior and so what else 10:38 from that teaching got you? 10:41 Well just that God loved me no matter what, no matter 10:44 what I have done or was messed up with. 10:49 That He still loved me. 10:51 I was important to Him, so important that He gave 10:55 everything for me. 10:56 I want to ask if you got this sense, 10:59 the sense with God that He felt a sadness of the 11:04 hurt that happened in my life. 11:05 When I was out there doing all this kind of stuff, 11:08 I didn't feel like He came in and judge that. 11:10 I think He came in just like a wounded child and said, 11:13 I am so sorry you had to see that. 11:15 Or that you had to know that, or you had to understand 11:17 that about your own character. 11:19 I felt like it was different then what I anticipated, 11:22 God had to take it all. 11:23 Then He said, let Me pour into you what you need in 11:27 order to heal. 11:28 So He didn't even say that I want you to now behave, 11:31 but let Me pour into you what you need. 11:33 Man, so baby steps you took? 11:37 I took baby steps and God was leading me, He was able to 11:42 get us into a small group Bible study. 11:44 It was just amazing to be able to learn with other 11:48 Christians and to learn what the Bible really says 11:52 about our new life as a Christian. 11:55 What is really funny is that He took me into a Bible 11:59 study and I just felt like a fish out of water. 12:03 I am looking at all these normal people and trying, 12:08 in my mind, they are doing a Bible study and I'm thinking, 12:10 are you sitting normal? 12:13 Are you being normal, and I didn't even, it was like odd 12:17 for me to even learn how to sit. 12:19 Did you get that at all? 12:21 Uh, because I was raised in the church I don't think it 12:25 was that big of a stretch for me. 12:27 Through that small group Bible study, we had people 12:30 coming in who were drunk, into our Bible study. 12:34 I could tell was a little uncomfortable for them. 12:37 It was a little, not what they were used to. 12:40 But the fact that God works with all of us is amazing. 12:44 Oh yeah! 12:45 And that righteousness by faith, as God works with 12:47 all of us, to pour into us what we need in order 12:49 to take the next step. 12:50 Whether it is somebody coming back into the church, 12:53 or whether it is somebody who's never been in church 12:55 and coming in for the first time. 12:57 He knows just what we need. 12:58 Exactly, so you ended up coming into church, Cassidy 13:02 is in Sabbath school now doing the things, and you 13:05 probably cried just watching her do the church thing. 13:09 Yeah, yeah it was really just what I wanted for her. 13:13 The whole reason I went back to church was so 13:16 she could know God. 13:17 Because even when I was messed up, even when 13:19 I was in a crack house I still felt the presence of God so 13:23 strong sometimes, it is amazing He didn't leave me. 13:27 Because He doesn't ever leave you. 13:29 No, and at the time I even thought, wow, here I am 13:33 talking to somebody about God in this kind of a 13:37 situation, it was just incredible. 13:40 It's amazing because for a lot of people they think, 13:43 surely God leaves us because were so rebellious. 13:46 I think that God's heart breaks when He said I will 13:50 never leave you or forsake you. 13:51 I can't even imagine that there are things that we 13:55 probably could do to sever that relationship, 13:57 and the Bible talks about that. 13:59 But in my own walk in my own journey, I can't imagine 14:02 what it is because God has been faithful to me, even 14:05 though I have been such a rebellious, resistant hurt 14:10 thing, God says, we will get through this. 14:13 We'll get through this next thing. 14:15 So you fell in love? 14:17 Um hum, I did. 14:19 Met who? 14:20 My husband Joe and we actually met through work. 14:25 He wasn't a Christian at the time and I was just 14:28 coming back to Christ. 14:29 It was a tough situation at that time, 14:34 but we were able, he came to our small group Bible 14:37 study and he was able except Christ. 14:42 That cracks me up and we are going to have him on the 14:45 second half, because I thought he was always Christian? 14:47 He is such a man of God. 14:48 He is and he has been a blessing to me and to our family. 14:52 I know that for sure. 14:53 That's too fun. 14:54 I want to get back because we always have this time 14:58 limit on a program. 15:00 So I end up at your house, by this time you are married, 15:04 you are fully back to God, you have a couple kids, 15:07 a couple more kids and you have this incredible family. 15:10 The home feels amazing to me when I walk in. 15:13 It is just such a blessing, and yet you tell me it has not 15:17 always been that way. 15:18 No, no! 15:19 And only because, as I said that God is really working on 15:21 me doing the dishes. 15:23 So tell me, let's just talk about what we ended up going 15:27 into at that point. 15:28 Well what had happened to me is that I realized that I 15:32 did not have any skills as far is being a homemaker. 15:37 In your heart wanted to do that? 15:40 Yes, my heart wanted my kids and my husband to have a 15:43 place like it was a sanctuary for them. 15:45 I felt like, ahhh this is just so not a sanctuary. 15:50 So when I got pregnant with my first son, we had a hard time. 15:59 I got morning sickness very badly, 16:00 my husband calls it the dark days. 16:05 It was like the entire house just went under. 16:08 So after that experience, after I had had him, 16:14 I realized I needed help. 16:16 I have been told by several people about Fly Lady. 16:22 So I said know I do not need that. 16:26 At first I was resistant to it and then I finally 16:29 just got to the point where I needed it. 16:31 Okay so now come because I know what you are talking 16:34 about, because you shared with me, and I learned about 16:37 Fly Lady and what that is all about. 16:39 Tell us a little bit about that Ministry and what is 16:42 the acronym "fly" means? 16:44 Finally Loving Yourself, is what fly means. 16:47 At first when I had heard about Fly Lady, 16:50 I thought she was like a fly, a house fly. 16:53 And I felt like, what is she going to bug me all day 16:56 to do my housework? 16:57 What is that all about? 16:59 I'm so not going to call her, I don't need that. 17:02 Yeah, but what I found out that it is Finally Loving 17:05 Yourself, I was just like, yeah! 17:07 That is really true, we are, we can finally take the 17:11 time to do a we need in an organized way. 17:14 So you start talking to me about how this Ministry 17:20 taught you to how clean your house. 17:22 I'm like, I am beyond help. 17:26 You don't even know. 17:27 What is funny is that you did that and you just shook your 17:31 head, and I'm thinking can I do strangle you because 17:33 you didn't even know. 17:34 I look at it as punishment, it is punishment to me. 17:38 When somebody says I go into my kitchen and the kitchen 17:42 looks horrible, I want to walk out and say I don't want 17:45 even to go in there. 17:46 When I go into my office, everything is piled up and 17:48 I don't want to go in there. 17:49 So it is like don't even tell me, and you are saying, 17:53 just try it, just try it. 17:55 I think you even slipped me a little piece of paper 18:00 with the website, here's the website, so just try it. 18:04 Tell me what it did for you, you ended up getting 18:08 involved with the Ministry that their primary 18:12 belief is, that when you finally learned to love 18:16 yourself and create for yourself a home that you 18:20 will heal in all kinds of ways. 18:21 So how did that unfold in your life? 18:24 When did you actually buy it, that this may be 18:27 part of the issue? 18:28 As soon is I got on the website and actually looked at it. 18:30 I was hooked because she just, 18:33 Marla the Fly Lady, she really brings it to a 18:40 level you can understand. 18:41 It is just like a good friend talking to you. 18:44 What does she say? 18:45 While she talks about baby steps. 18:47 15 minutes a day and you do this one thing for a month 18:54 until you have a habit. 18:55 Why don't you go into your living room for 15 minutes 18:58 and just throw out old magazines. 19:00 Yep, Yep! 19:01 Don't even think it, just set a timer. 19:03 Right! 19:04 Do not work beyond that 15 minutes. 19:06 Yep! 19:07 So really is baby steps. 19:08 Yeah! 19:09 What is interesting about this Ministry is that one of 19:12 the things, when you tell me about it, and I looked on 19:17 site, is that Marla had some issues, had some house 19:20 being a mess and disorganized, and all that stuff. 19:23 She had some issues and decided to do some healing her-self 19:27 and then somebody said would you help me? 19:30 She said okay and she got a few more people that wanted 19:33 help and pretty soon she started a little website and now 19:37 she helps 200,000 people every day to do the right thing, 19:43 today throw a magazine away. 19:45 Yep! 19:46 Clean out your sink, and 200,000 people worldwide. 19:49 I think it is amazing. 19:51 So let me get back to you. 19:53 So you start doing simple things, and the first thing 19:55 she says it is clean out your sink. 19:58 Right, you are supposed to shine your sink. 20:00 You are supposed to take all the dirty dishes out that 20:02 are probably sitting in your sink. 20:03 You are supposed take them out and 20:05 set them on the counter. 20:06 You're supposed to fill up your sick with hot water 20:08 and some bleach and let that sit for a while. 20:10 Then clean your sink and shine it up. 20:13 That is it? 20:14 That's it. 20:15 Don't stress about, that's it. 20:18 So I tried it, my goodness. 20:21 You tried it before you left my house. 20:22 Oh I shined your sink, that's right. 20:25 It was like I walked in and I said, now look at that sink. 20:29 Amazing! 20:30 But what is really interesting, it is almost like, and 20:34 this is what is weird for us addicts, or as damaged folks. 20:37 I don't care for damaged is depression, anger, addiction, 20:40 sexual addiction, stealing, gambling, whatever it is. 20:43 Workaholism, workaholic shine half your sink. 20:49 but anyhow when you start doing the simple things, 20:53 all of a sudden there's junk that comes up to the surface 20:56 you realize this stems from all the clutter in my life. 20:59 Never feeling like I had a place. 21:01 There were some real issues come up, some root issues 21:06 come up, so as you are shining your sink did any of 21:10 those root issues come up for you? 21:12 Yeah because I hate doing my dishes, that is one of the 21:16 things I just hated doing. 21:18 You know, and laundry that was another big thing for me, 21:21 is I just hate those two things. 21:23 So I really had to put myself, my wants aside and say 21:28 I'm going to do this. 21:30 I'm going to do it for, because I know it is good 21:34 for me, but also because I know it will be a 21:36 blessing to my family. 21:37 And one of the things that Fly Lady says is housework 21:39 done incorrectly, still blesses your family. 21:42 And that is what I wanted. 21:44 Say that again, that's cool! 21:46 Housework done incorrectly, still blesses your family. 21:49 What I am finding when I work with a lot of people coming 21:53 out of jail's, coming out of rehab centers, out of all 21:56 that stuff, is that we do not know how to set up a home. 22:01 Nobody set up a home for us and that could curse us our 22:05 whole life or we can baby step and just change that. 22:10 And the baby step for this particular Ministry was shine 22:15 your sink, clean out your sink. 22:17 But not just clean it out, not just clean it out, 22:21 what is hysterical and it sounds so simple, but not cleaning 22:25 it out, shine it up, get a toothbrush if 22:28 you have to and get every single thing shined up about it. 22:32 I want this to look like it could go into a 22:35 Better Homes Magazine photo. 22:37 So I got into it, which is ridiculous, ridiculous. 22:41 But I got into it and what was really interesting, is the 22:44 Holy Spirit started telling me do little tiny things. 22:48 One of the little tiny things was the fact that you 22:51 were punished with housework and therefore 22:54 you do not want to do it. 22:55 I thought well okay. 22:58 So you are going to heal every time you do it. 23:01 I am thinking it oh man, I don't want to do it. 23:05 I know, and I heard God even say, I know. 23:08 So tell me, because you didn't stop at the sink. 23:11 No, and usually I think that is her trick because you 23:15 just don't stop at the sink. 23:16 You see the sink looking good it spreads to the counters, 23:20 and you just start to get rid of junk. 23:22 You start to get rid of the clutter. 23:24 That really is so freeing, that you are able to get rid 23:33 of all that junk. 23:34 It feels like almost a spiritual or emotional junk too. 23:38 I'm cleaning all that out. 23:40 I don't need this, that I can trust in God to take care 23:43 of me, if I ever need then again He will provide it. 23:47 I don't need to keep it. 23:48 That's huge, you actually then went beyond on that and 23:54 just started to organize your day, your calendar, 23:57 talk a little bit about that. 23:59 Do you know where your insurance information is? 24:02 I do, we have got our, one of the things that Fly Lady 24:06 teaches us is about a Control Journal. 24:08 You put all this information into one spot so you got it. 24:13 In case you need it, like an emergency or something. 24:17 So we have all of our emergency phone numbers in the 24:20 Control Journal, we have our blood types, we have our 24:23 doctors names, number, everything. 24:27 Oh you know I haven't gotten there yet? 24:29 Oh you are going to love the Control Journal, we do. 24:32 Then we wrote down like routines come because another 24:35 thing that Fly Lady teaches is that morning and evening 24:40 routines, which eventually it gets so habitual that 24:43 you do not even have to think about it, you just do it. 24:46 So that has been a blessing for us too. 24:49 Okay we are going to come back, we're going to go 24:51 on break and come back. 24:53 I want you to meet the entire family. 24:55 And please if you think this is just about housecleaning, 24:59 housekeeping or cleaning the sink or whatever, 25:01 it is not at all. 25:04 I'm so surprised how damaged we are, how much we don't do 25:08 for our families and our selves in our home, that when we 25:12 start doing it, God through the Holy Spirit starts changing 25:15 us in ways that we will never go back to old addictions. 25:19 It is weird that He does that with the kitchen sink. 25:22 It is amazing to me so I guess spirituality is all that 25:26 including the kitchen sink. 25:27 So we will be right back, stay with us. |
Revised 2014-12-17