Engage

Securely Single

Three Angels Broadcasting Network

Program transcript

Participants: David Asscherick & Shanda Ban (Host), Tyler Coleman

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Series Code: E

Program Code: E000004


00:19 Hello and welcome to Engage, my name is David Asscherick.
00:23 Our program today we are going to be connecting with
00:27 someone who is connected with Christ who then is
00:30 connected with his community.
00:32 And in our particular program today we are going to be
00:34 taking a look at the topic Securely Single.
00:38 So with me today is my co-host, Shandra Ban and so
00:42 we would like to introduce Shandra and she will be
00:44 introducing our guest a friend of hers.
00:46 An old friend of hers and a new friend of mine so thank
00:49 you for joining us today and welcome to the program.
00:51 Thanks David, will welcome back Tyler we had you on
00:54 a episode before and we are so thankful you are here.
00:57 Tyler has come from Sardinia Ontario Canada and
01:00 I am a fellow Canadian and that is why we go back to
01:03 our days at Canadian university College,
01:06 so thank you for being here Tyler.
01:07 I'm happy to be here. - the last time you were here
01:10 Tyler we were talking about hockey and about sport and
01:13 spirituality, not just about hockey but about sport and
01:16 spirituality and this time we are going to be talking
01:19 about being single but being secure in that singleness.
01:23 I hope you won't mind if we ever so, slightly poke
01:29 a little fun at you occasionally. Is that all right?
01:32 That's perfectly fine. - it seems like you can take it.
01:33 It's part of my French Shandra that she pokes fun of
01:37 me on a regular bases.
01:38 - It's is just part of the program okay.
01:39 It should come naturally.
01:41 - it'll come naturally for you maybe.
01:42 He's a little bigger than me so I'm a little nervous.
01:44 Oh he's a teddy bear.
01:45 Now before we get into the program itself what I would
01:47 like to do for our viewers and for us in the house here is
01:49 to set this up a little bit.
01:51 We would like to do is sort of look at a couple passages
01:54 that appear from a biblical perspective, maybe to some
01:58 being a kind of tension.
02:00 The first I will bring to your remembrance Genesis 1
02:04 and that is the creation account.
02:06 God creates there 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, and 6 days and in each
02:10 of those days He has this repeated phrase, and God saw
02:13 that it was good, God saw that it was good, God so that
02:16 it was good, and then we come to verse 31 it says, God saw
02:21 that it was - very good. - very good.
02:23 So we find in the very beginning in Genesis chapter 1,
02:26 not just good but even very good.
02:28 Then there is something in Genesis 1 and 2 that was not
02:31 very good and I were just read that for us here.
02:34 It says they are inverse 18, Tyler I hope you are paying
02:38 attention, it says, "and the Lord God said it is not good
02:43 that man should be alone, I will make him a helper
02:46 "comparable to him. "
02:48 So the one thing there that was not good man's was aloneness,
02:53 non-partnership with someone of his own kind.
02:56 When we come into the New Testament however we have Paul
02:59 saying, I wish that all men were just like I am, and that
03:03 is in the context of his singleness.
03:05 So I am married, Shandra you are married,
03:08 - and I am not. - you are not married. - I'm big fan of Paul.
03:13 As am I, the same Paul that said husbands love your
03:18 wives as Christ also loved the church.
03:20 What is exactly, I think we are all comfortable with the
03:23 notion here that the Bible is obviously very much in favor
03:26 of marriage, but they're also does seem to be this element
03:28 of a sanctified singleness as well.
03:32 Jesus there in Matthew chapter 19 speaks about those
03:36 that our UNIX or single that are able to receive this
03:39 command, let them receive it.
03:41 In the conversations we've had Tyler I'm not hearing you
03:44 say that, but what we do want to get her fingers wrapped
03:47 around here, not just for Tyler sake, for my sake, or
03:50 for Shandra sake, but it especially for our guests sake.
03:52 That is how can we find, how can we be content in the
03:59 situation which we find ourselves, of course that could
04:01 applied to economics, a could comply to where you live,
04:04 location, but today in the context of singleness.
04:08 So Tyler I'm going to turn the program over to Shandra
04:12 who knows your story a little better
04:14 than me and sort of set this up for us Shandra.
04:17 A question I have for you Tyler is that you are not
04:22 married now, doesn't necessarily mean you don't want to
04:24 be married, but I know for myself a lot of my view of
04:27 marriage came from my childhood.
04:29 I know a lot of people don't want to get married
04:32 because maybe they have a tainted view of marriage as
04:35 that maybe the case.
04:36 What has been your view on marriage, you are a lawyer
04:39 and what can you think of that?
04:44 - Is that your view, is that what you are implying Shandra?
04:45 - well it could, just asking?
04:48 No, I basically have two contrasting views of marriage.
04:55 Like you said your parents is where you get a lot of your
04:58 view, for me my parents had a fantastic marriage.
05:01 - oh praise God. - I really attribute a lot of my new
05:09 conversion to the fact that I have seen true love
05:12 in action, through my parents marriage.
05:14 It's one where they are truly are one, they have become one.
05:19 They make decisions together.
05:21 Every Christian book I read on marriage, when you are
05:26 single, people in church throw at you on a regular basis
05:30 I have all of them I think.
05:33 Everything I read my parents have modeled, have modeled
05:37 that picture of marriage and it is something
05:40 I have wanted for a long time.
05:42 But also with wanting it there is, you know I have no
05:47 desire whatsoever to settle for something less than what
05:51 they have, something truly God ordained that
05:55 is such a beautiful thing in the way God meant it.
05:58 - okay so where is the contrast?
05:59 That's the good side, first of all I would say that is
06:03 beautiful to hear, praise God.
06:06 I realize that I am blessed with that and I thank God for
06:08 it often, the contrast is at work.
06:12 I work at a law firm, we have a pretty general practice
06:17 and I try to stay away from divorce law.
06:20 I am a new lawyer so there is a temptation to do what ever
06:23 comes in the door, but I get a call almost once a day from
06:29 somebody asking whether I handle divorces.
06:32 Because it is so prevalent, I'm from a small town and it
06:36 is happening over and over again.
06:38 Once in a while, while actually during practical training
06:41 with a divorce lawyer so I was sitting in on these
06:45 meetings and hearing the stories and seeing these lives
06:48 completely torn apart.
06:49 It affected children, it affected extended families,
06:55 and it was really, really terrible and obviously that is
06:58 not something I want so there is definitely a contrast in
07:02 my views and feel pretty well-informed on the two
07:07 different diverging ways a marriage can go.
07:09 Just getting back to the fact that you state your parents
07:12 have this beautiful marriage, I find that so thrilling.
07:16 I would love to believe that someday my son, my two boys
07:21 7 and 9 will be able to say something similar.
07:23 My wife and I. we pray for them.
07:24 We say Lord make our relationship with one another
07:29 attractive to our children and attractive to those around
07:31 us, and is so resonate with that.
07:34 It warms my heart as a father to hear you say that about
07:39 your parents. Can I ask you how old you are?
07:42 May I do that? - I'm 28. - okay 28 years young which
07:46 knew it may you a whippersnapper compared to me, 38.
07:49 - old man. - so referred to me or them here on out as
07:52 your elder or eldership, the patriarch.
07:55 But you are 28 years old and not married, not by choice.
08:01 Talk to us about that, I hate to be so personal but
08:04 we are trying to engage with you and maybe in the process
08:07 will get you engaged!
08:10 - I'm kidding, I'm kidding.
08:12 Kind of kidding, true.
08:15 No, you said is not by choice well obviously there is a lot
08:18 of choice involved, there is a choice not to settle, and
08:21 there is a choice of meeting people and the situations
08:24 you put yourself in and all that stuff but for me there
08:27 is a whole lot of reasons why I am single.
08:30 My history of relationships is filled with laughter for
08:36 friends, tears for some people but basically what
08:42 ends up happening is that after going to college
08:44 a lot of people will get married.
08:47 I think the last year of college I was actually in
08:49 Shandra's wedding party and I was in 4 or 5 other ones
08:54 just when college was ending.
08:56 At the time God hadn't brought somebody into my life that
09:00 I was going to marry, that I saw was going to be compatible
09:06 person with me. You hadn't found your Eve yet?
09:09 Yeah and God hadn't cut my rib out and made one for me.
09:13 Then I went on to professional school afterwards,
09:18 I went on to law school.
09:19 I think then with a lot of Christians, they will go on
09:24 to college and there are I lot of peers around.
09:26 That is a great opportunity to meet people but once
09:32 you're away from that peer group where there is a lot
09:36 a round it's difficult, you don't have as many people
09:40 that you are meeting on a regular basis.
09:42 So I was all of a sudden in a church, first in eastern
09:46 Canada where there was some lovely Adventist women but
09:49 none of them there was that romantic connection with
09:54 I guess and now I am actually back in Sarnia which was
09:58 my original home church and there's not one regular
10:03 attending member whose woman is in her 20s.
10:07 So it's, it's as if there's not a whole lot a round.
10:11 No, for lack of trying.
10:12 Right, terrible, terrible that is not what I meant.
10:15 What I meant was, you are not a college campus.
10:18 - I am not at a college campus.
10:20 - and you feel called to be practicing law in this town.
10:25 I definitely do, I go into church sometimes and there's
10:30 people who I really respect as Christian people.
10:33 Usually the women, but men in the church don't say as much
10:36 to me, but the women who have a niece who lives on the
10:39 other side of the continent, or some friend they know,
10:43 or something like that but they are always saying
10:45 you have to move, you have to move.
10:46 At this moment I have prayed very hard about where I am
10:49 supposed to be, I'm supposed to be in Sardinia right now.
10:52 That is my situation and I guess that is a roundabout way
10:58 of saying why I am single, avoiding embarrassing details.
11:02 Well I think that too, and there's some sort of humor here
11:07 but I think there is something, really I think you're at
11:10 the guts of the thing here, the nucleus of the thing.
11:13 That is if you are in the place that God has you to be,
11:17 and whatever condition in which you find yourself, that is
11:22 the condition that God wants you to be in right then.
11:24 Right? So what comes to my mind is Philippians 4,
11:37 "not that I speak in regard to need for have learned that
11:40 "in what ever state I am to be content. I know how to
11:44 "be abased and I know how to abound everywhere and in all
11:46 "things I learned both to be full and hungry, both to
11:49 "abound and to suffer need. " Then he says in verse 13
11:52 "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me. "
11:54 Now in this context Paul is talking about then I can go
11:57 to the wealthy house, I can go to the poor and I can have
12:00 lots of food and I can have no food.
12:01 What he is saying is that if I'm on God's plan whatever
12:04 condition I find myself I'm content.
12:07 Are you comfortable saying then, that you are contented
12:11 in a situation in which you find yourself right now?
12:14 Um, it is a really good question, um because I'm not
12:19 always content, right at this moment I can say yes I am
12:23 content, I'm content in where I am but there has been
12:28 a lot of times where I have been frustrated.
12:30 Where I have felt lonely, where I have questioned God.
12:35 God you show me this great marriage through my parents and
12:39 You know it is very important to me.
12:41 The things that are the most important to you are the
12:44 hardest to answer and hand over to God.
12:45 Throughout my life I have handed so many things over to Him
12:48 and He has always handed them back in such a more amazing
12:54 way than I had planned for myself.
12:57 So would you say then that this contentedness is a
13:00 Presque, for lack of a better term, to getting married?
13:05 To be happy with how you are before you can actually
13:07 be happy, happy with someone?
13:09 It seems to be the way it goes with other people,
13:12 I don't know because I haven't experienced it.
13:14 I think it is something that God is having me work
13:22 through, He knows this is something like the rich young
13:25 ruler the thing he held onto, the thing that was so
13:27 important to him - literally that was on the tip of
13:29 my tongue. - I can really relate to the rich young ruler
13:35 because his money was what was so important to him.
13:37 Now in terms of other things I say I went to law school
13:40 so I have a good job now, I did well in sports,
13:45 I have done a lot of things that are seen as successful
13:48 in the world and that some people strive for,
13:50 but those things aren't what it's really on my heart,
13:53 what I really care about.
13:54 What I care for the things that were instilled in me by
13:57 my parents and that God wants for people and from the
14:01 verses you've shown, it's not good for man to be alone.
14:05 It is something that I have wanted for a long time and
14:08 like I said there have been a lot of times where I have
14:11 been very frustrated with being single.
14:16 With being in a place where there didn't seem like there
14:19 where any possibilities of me finding someone.
14:24 Not doubting God, but having a real difficulty of handing
14:30 that part of my life over to Him.
14:32 I love what you say they are, to me there is such
14:35 sublimity bear and such profundity.
14:37 The hardest thing to turn over to God is a thing
14:41 that is the most important and dear to me.
14:42 There are many things, getting back to the rich young
14:45 ruler, the rich young ruler would have been perfectly
14:48 happy to have done for Jesus, or even given to
14:51 Jesus and His cause, but he wants what is the
14:54 hardest for us to give.
14:55 To care that part over, I appreciate you being
14:59 vulnerable and being honest by saying that is hard,
15:02 that's frustrating. You know sometimes we sort of go
15:05 through the religious life, and let's be honest,
15:07 this is for our listeners as well.
15:10 We pretend that all is well, when all is not well.
15:12 I'll say Oh you know Tyler how are you doing.
15:15 Oh I'm doing great, and maybe that is just okay and
15:18 a nice conversation but the reality is that
15:21 we don't hear things like I'm lonely,
15:23 or I'm frustrated.
15:25 We don't hear those kinds of things enough because,
15:27 I don't know why I sure there's a variety of reasons,
15:30 but to hear that you say that is a source of difficulty
15:33 and frustration for you, frankly it is refreshing.
15:37 Thank you for that.
15:39 For me on coming on the show like you said the title today is
15:42 Securely Single, I was invited to come down here and
15:44 Shandra said there was going to be a couple of shows
15:47 but it has been recently that she says we're going to do
15:49 a show called Securely Single from a male perspective.
15:53 I felt a little ambushed, - thank you for that Shandra
15:57 - I meet the criteria, I am single but in terms of
16:01 secure it has been something that has been more
16:06 recent. - and I have watched Dave grow and shape
16:11 the show around you. - right!
16:13 But it is something I am really thankful for God doing
16:17 and I feel that it is a providential that he would have
16:20 me on the show as time like this.
16:21 We had some conversations before about being secure and
16:26 kind of pressures outside, because we are talking about
16:31 being content, were talking about being content in God
16:35 and handing things over to Him.
16:37 That is great and I love doing that because
16:42 He has always handed it back to me.
16:43 What I find is difficult is the social pressures,
16:49 with family pressures, it sometimes makes it so that
16:54 you lose sight of that, you lose sight of what God wants
16:58 us to hand over to Him because He has a better plan for us,
17:02 when the pastors wife, who I love dearly would say.
17:06 - she's got a plan for you too.
17:08 You know she says come to this church or there's this person
17:12 here and all that kind of stuff which usually turns into
17:15 being awkward. - oh, I can just imagine.
17:19 I've gone into churches where I actually remember one time
17:24 I went with my mom to a church up by our cottage.
17:26 I had never been there before and it was a very small
17:28 church and my mom has come to church with me once or twice
17:31 to the Seventh-day Adventist church.
17:34 Your parents are not presently Adventist? Right.
17:37 They attend a Catholic church, so my mom came with me and
17:40 I really liked that she did and it was a great sermon.
17:43 As soon as I walked in I had a quick look around and there
17:45 was one woman that was probably 25 or 26 at the time.
17:49 I'm not very good with age but I think she was in her mid-
17:53 30s but the elders of the church you can see light bulbs
17:57 going on over their heads.
17:59 Looking at them and looking back and whispering, so at
18:03 the end of it I avoid those situations.
18:06 They were ready to perform the wedding? Probably?
18:09 Yeah I thought I saw them tying bows to the end of the
18:12 altar, or to the edges of the pews so that was all
18:15 decorated. - so you touched on something there
18:17 I think needs to be said, our viewers need to hear it.
18:22 That is this idea of social pressure and even parental
18:26 pressure, you're 28 years old and that is not exactly old.
18:30 I wasn't married till I was 27.
18:31 But there is pressure and how do you keep clear in your
18:37 mind this is where God has me, other people have
18:41 expectations of me, other people want ABC for me but
18:44 I am really on God's plan.
18:46 How do you keep that, what would you say to our viewers?
18:50 even more than that, you say you feel God's leading in
18:53 your life but yet you would like to be married so where
18:56 do you balance, God's leading verses how much do
18:59 I initiate? Do I go out to these churches and look for
19:02 woman, do I look on the online sources that are available?
19:05 How do you balance, how is God leading
19:09 and what should I do?
19:10 There are sort of two things there.
19:13 Yeah, so yours was more - other people have expectations
19:17 of you, how do you keep this is where God has me right now?
19:22 Shandra's ties in with that right now - initiation
19:25 I'm waiting on the Lord?
19:27 Maybe you can put some... what does that mean to you?
19:31 Put some flesh on it for us.
19:32 It's difficult like I said sometimes those social
19:37 pressures and family pressures. Back home it is not
19:40 too hard because a lot of my friends are secular where
19:44 I think the average age for marriage is around 28,
19:47 so some of my friends are getting married and
19:50 I don't get so much from thence but I do feel it in the
19:52 church and my family somewhat because
19:54 they know how I feel about it.
19:56 So it wasn't so bad with my mom I always expected,
19:59 but when my dad started giving me a hard time that is
20:03 when, those kind of things are to take your mind off of
20:06 it and basically what I need to do is take a step back
20:09 once in a while and realize that God is looking after it.
20:13 Now in terms of initiation, I don't know the answer,
20:18 I wish I could say okay this is exactly what you have
20:23 to do to find somebody if you are looking.
20:25 But in my situation, I really believe that right now
20:28 I am in a place were I'm probably not going to meet
20:33 somebody in the near future, but like I said it is
20:37 something that God is working on my heart and for me to
20:40 be able to hand it over to Him, even to say I'm securely
20:42 single and if that is the way God wants me to be,
20:44 that is how I'm going to be.
20:46 I guess when I'm talking it's been more recent that
20:51 I have been okay with this.
20:54 I recently had a situation, I'll go long periods of time,
20:57 the world will say all you have been on a date in a month
21:00 that is crazy.
21:01 You'll see sometimes on television you haven't been on
21:05 a date are you getting by in life?
21:07 We go long periods of time that I'm without having
21:11 a romantic relationship, or going out to meet somebody
21:14 for a date because of where I have been.
21:18 But I had a situation, I met a person recently that it
21:24 happened after prayer and me saying God show me somebody
21:30 that I am very attracted to, that I see could possibly
21:34 be a match, I'm not saying we have to end up together.
21:38 Right now I feel discouraged so if You could just show
21:42 me somebody that will encourage me.
21:44 The prayer was answered very directly, and very exactly
21:49 because God showed me somebody that I found very
21:52 attractive, that was a great spiritual person, that was
21:56 interested in missions, was beautiful in every way.
22:00 Beautifully and wonderfully made as true as ever been.
22:06 But it wasn't a situation where she was ready to be
22:11 involved romantically I guess, in a jokingly way
22:16 she shut me down is what happened. - oh no, no man
22:20 your being very honest and I love it.
22:23 She did and for whatever her reasons were, bad breath,
22:29 something about the way I looked, or something like that.
22:34 I don't know exactly what those reasons are but at the end
22:39 of the day I was sad. She was a great person and she will
22:43 continue to be a great friend because she acted so
22:46 honestly towards me through the whole thing.
22:48 It was very encouraging to have that prayer answered and
22:53 to meet somebody that I was attracted to.
22:54 It was like God was answering the prayer, not in the full
22:57 sense but it He gave you a sign, sometimes were afraid to
23:00 say that word, but it was from Jesus.
23:02 And so at the end of the day I was thinking our God can
23:06 cause me to have these kinds of feelings so quickly and
23:10 unexpectedly, how can I doubt if I handed it over to Him
23:15 that He is going to take care of me?
23:17 Something that we have to touch on here and that is are
23:22 you tempted, you are young, you're handsome, is that true
23:26 Shandra? - she's married too. And - I don't really
23:29 know, your not ugly. So here's where I'm going with this.
23:33 You are young, you are good looking guy,
23:35 and you have a job, what about the temptation to just
23:41 say I'm going to settle?
23:42 You mentioned a good spiritual person, what about the
23:45 temptation to, now listen we are kidding ourselves if we
23:48 think our viewers by the hundreds and thousands don't
23:52 face this very temptation to just settle.
23:53 She's sweet, she's nice, she's kind, she's what ever.
23:57 She's not a Christian yet but is the temptation there to
24:00 just marry outside of the faith?
24:02 I would be lying to save there was no temptation to go on
24:06 dates with people to just hang out with girls that don't
24:10 share my beliefs because I get the question all the time.
24:14 I am living in an environment that is very secular with
24:18 my friends and they will ask the question, do you need to
24:21 date someone who is not your religion?
24:25 Or do you need to date somebody who is your religion?
24:27 What if the morals were the same?
24:31 What if you were attracted and all these different ideas
24:36 except your Christian faith?
24:38 It is a difficult question because actually what they are
24:43 getting at is how judgmental I am, but also wanting to
24:47 know about my faith so it is the chance to witness too.
24:52 Usually what I will say is it is the truth that for me
24:57 my Christianity and my belief and my faith in
25:01 God is not a once a week thing.
25:03 It is not a compartmentalized part of my life,
25:08 it is something that affects everything.
25:10 It is how I view everything, it's how I view plants
25:14 growing in the ground.
25:16 It's how I view how children should be raised and how
25:19 I view eternity so it's not a situation where I could,
25:23 And when we talk about settling, settling for something
25:27 less than the ideal.
25:28 Not settling for a person because they don't believe
25:30 they are less of a person by any means.
25:33 Thank you, I love that clarification.
25:35 But it is settling for something less than God's ideal
25:40 for me, and whatever that is.
25:41 It could be God's ideal for me is to stay single and
25:45 to take up some kind of ministry that He needs me to be
25:48 single for and I know from past experiences what He has
25:52 done in other parts of my life that He is going to take
25:55 care of it and that He has something better
25:59 in mind than I do.
26:00 If God's providence is calling you to that then
26:03 God's grace will sustain you and empower you in that.
26:06 In other words the story is quickly told where a woman
26:09 goes up to Dwight Moody and says oh I wish I had the faith
26:12 that you had, I wish I had a martyr's faith.
26:13 He says will I don't have a martyr's faith.
26:15 What a great evangelist and Moody doesn't have a martyr's
26:17 faith? No, but if God called me to be a martyr then
26:21 He would give me the faith to do that.
26:23 So you said something there about, even the way the grass
26:27 grows and the way you view marriage relationships and
26:29 eternity, that is a great point because if you see
26:32 a flower or you see a tree, you see that in
26:35 a fundamentally different way than a person who doesn't
26:38 share your most basic core of spiritual perspective.
26:41 At the creation ahh, thank you Jesus for these beautiful
26:43 flowers is different than oh those are nice flowers.
26:46 If you don't share that most fundamental thing with
26:48 somebody really how could you be connected with them in
26:52 the most intimate, significant, meaningful things in life?
26:55 Yeah and that is exactly the point.
26:59 From that view of marriage that I have from my parents,
27:03 it's that they are on the same page about everything,
27:07 about every aspect of life.
27:09 If they have any differences they can work through it
27:12 together, but because they are viewing it the same way,
27:18 and because I had such an ideal in seeing exactly what
27:22 God meant when he said it was not good that man be alone.
27:27 If you would see my dad by himself he is useless.
27:29 Not in every way, but he needs my mother.
27:33 And my mom loves being needed by him, and the exact
27:38 opposite is true, the same thing is true the same
27:42 as my mom and dad.
27:43 Well thank you so much for being on the show here in
27:46 the thing that I have really taken away and that I want
27:48 our viewers to take away is that whatever state
27:50 you are in, be content there and thank you for turning
27:55 in, check us out or send us an e-mail at:
28:00 thank you for joining us today.


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Revised 2014-12-17