Participants: Alanzo & June Smith
Series Code: FFH
Program Code: FFH00002B
00:01 Welcome back to Families 4 Heaven.
00:03 We are talking about divorce and the devastating effect
00:09 it has on families in general.
00:13 Janet is our guest and Janet has had an experience that
00:17 she is sharing with us.
00:18 Janet, so here you are, you found out that the person
00:23 you married is not really the ideal person that you
00:27 thought he was.
00:28 What was happening?
00:30 Well the communication between the both of us started
00:33 lacking, we started speaking less and less to each other.
00:37 We would deal with everyday issues such as bills,
00:43 mortgages, and different things, but we were not dealing
00:47 on a personal level, feelings, emotions, and sharing
00:51 each other's thoughts.
00:54 It came to be as if we were roommates living under the
00:59 same roof and things just started falling apart.
01:02 You notice that she said the first thing that went was
01:06 communication, communication.
01:09 When people are hurting, they tend to shut down.
01:13 Instead of identifying the problem, they withdraw.
01:18 That usually leads to dysfunction, now they hurt
01:23 separately without clarifying exactly what the issue is.
01:27 If you haven't identified the problem your
01:30 are unable to solve it.
01:32 The communication, lack of communication leads to the
01:37 next thing, you both become roommates, no longer lovers.
01:41 No longer friends, hugging and all of what you thought
01:45 you would be doing during courtship,
01:47 you are now just roommates.
01:49 Okay Janet, tell us what happened.
01:52 Well I started noticing at family outings he wanted to
01:57 spend less and less time with me and the children.
02:02 At one point I went to a family event, a family member
02:08 approached me and asked me where was my husband?
02:12 At every single family meeting I was going alone with
02:16 my children and I didn't realize now other people were
02:20 becoming aware of the fact that our marriage
02:23 was falling apart.
02:26 So when my family member approached me and asked me that
02:30 question, it was a reflection and it hurt very much.
02:35 I realized at that moment that the subject could no
02:40 longer be set aside, it had to be addressed.
02:43 I went home and spoke to him about it,
02:46 I spoke to my husband about it at that time.
02:50 What happened was he just started revealing to me that
02:55 he was frustrated over the fact that he had made such a
02:59 long lasting decision at such a young age.
03:03 He realized at that moment he had made a great mistake.
03:07 But we were already married with our home and our two
03:11 children and it was very difficult to hear those words.
03:15 But I was still in the back of my mind, was very hopeful that
03:19 we could work this out.
03:21 I continued trying to push the marriage, my mistake was
03:27 I disregarded, even when he told me that, I just ignored
03:32 it and continued going.
03:34 In denial? Janet: in denial I just did not want to
03:37 believe. Alonzo: you just didn't want to hear that.
03:39 Isn't that consistent when someone is trying to hold onto
03:42 something they treasure, but at the same time it's...
03:44 Obviously what appeared to happen was they both had two
03:49 different goals, she wanted to preserve her marriage and
03:53 try to work it out to protect her nest, but he wanted out
03:56 because he had thought he lost his youth by taking on
04:00 all these responsibilities and woke up later and found
04:03 out that much of his fun time was now gone.
04:06 Now he has to be a father and a husband and
04:09 he got overwhelmed.
04:11 There is a lesson in that for you young people.
04:15 It is one thing to say you are in love, and some of you
04:20 elope and go get married, and some won't listen to
04:23 counsel and they get married.
04:25 It is one thing to do that, it is another thing when the
04:29 reality of married life hits you.
04:32 Marriage is not just about romance, there is much
04:35 more than that.
04:37 Marriage is about paying the bills.
04:39 When children come into play, it's being a father, being
04:43 there, a mother being there and taking care of
04:47 responsibilities and when that starts occurring on a
04:52 daily basis, then it somehow changes how you feel about
04:58 the person that you once say you are in love with.
05:01 So there are some cautions there and we are asking
05:03 you to take note.
05:05 So Janet, eventually what happened?
05:10 Eventually he started, he used to work a lot of overtime.
05:15 I trusted him 100% and believed that he was working at
05:21 night during night shifts.
05:24 So one day he was working a night shift and I just
05:31 got this overwhelming feeling that he wasn't
05:40 working at that time.
05:42 I don't know how to explain it, I just felt these
05:47 emotions go through and at that moment I opened my eyes
05:52 and finally woke up and realized that he wasn't working.
05:57 He was seeing someone else and I knew by just instinct.
06:02 It was without any physical proof at that moment.
06:08 Well later on that night he came home and I actually,
06:13 when I got that feeling, started calling his cell phone.
06:18 Usually he would pick up right away, and an hour had gone
06:23 by and he wouldn't pick up his phone.
06:25 At that moment I was almost 100% sure that
06:31 he was with someone else.
06:32 When he finally called back, I didn't let him speak
06:37 once he said hello, I just told him on the phone I know
06:42 exactly what he was doing.
06:43 I told him to please come home, just drop whatever you're
06:49 doing at that moment and please come home because he
06:53 has basically been caught because I knew where he was
06:57 and what he was doing. Alonzo: did he come home?
06:58 He came home almost 2 hours later.
07:01 I was waiting for him in the living room in the dark,
07:04 so when he walked in he did not see me sitting
07:07 in the living room.
07:08 I called him into the living room and as we sat there I
07:13 started speaking to him and he didn't want to talk.
07:16 He just had his head down the whole time, like he was
07:20 feeling ashamed because he had been caught.
07:26 So I told him at that time that I understood.
07:32 This is how in love I was, I understood that he had made
07:36 a mistake, that if he was willing to let this person go,
07:40 I was willing to forget and continue our marriage.
07:44 At that moment he revealed that he was no longer in
07:47 love with me, he just didn't want to be a part of the
07:50 marriage anymore.
07:53 Wow, okay.
07:54 Dr. Smith: that must've been awful hurtful.
07:55 Janet: it was, it was horrible.
07:58 It's amazingly, even though life has moved on and things
08:02 have gotten better, how the memory links to that heartache.
08:10 Dr. Smith: I'm sorry I just want to piggyback on that
08:13 because it is not inconsistent that women, especially
08:17 women, this happens with men too, but when you are a
08:21 mother, and you have your children to protect, even when
08:26 you see blaring abuse, you know this is wrong and should
08:31 be happening, you still try to keep your nest.
08:34 Because that is what mothers do,
08:37 you watch over your chicks.
08:39 Alonzo: it is so sad, no matter how hard one person
08:46 tries, if the other person is not willing,
08:50 eventually it will go.
08:53 Maybe somebody is watching this program and you are
08:57 going through the same situation.
08:59 Not so much the person that wants to hold on to the
09:03 marriage, but the person who is breaking away,
09:06 who is saying I want to be out of this marriage.
09:10 Is it possible that you could just pause and take a
09:13 deep breath, and introspective look into yourself?
09:17 Maybe you have children, family and could you just maybe
09:22 get some help, professional help, because that is the
09:28 right thing to do.
09:30 It is the manly thing to do, it is the womanly thing to
09:33 do, it is the best thing to do.
09:36 You know something, most of all is the godly thing to do.
09:40 Now we are moving to talk about the effect of divorce
09:44 on children.
09:46 Before we do that, Janet how did it end?
09:51 Eventually we ended up getting divorced, the divorce was
09:56 finalized, it was a process but.
10:00 Alonzo: a painful experience I'm sure.
10:02 Janet: a very painful experience for the whole family.
10:05 Alonzo: for the children as well.
10:06 Janet: for the children as well,
10:08 they have suffered a lot.
10:10 Alonzo: when we talk about the devastating effect of
10:14 divorce on children, we are not insensitive to the
10:18 whole family, as a matter of fact when there is a
10:21 divorce no one wins.
10:24 No matter how, no one.
10:27 For children, however there is this delayed reaction.
10:34 By this I mean, a parent might get divorced when the
10:40 child is at age 5, 6, at that time the child might not
10:46 react in any significant way.
10:48 They may or they may not.
10:50 But when the child reaches 14 or 15 or 16, there is a
10:55 possibility that the divorce could have traumatizing
11:00 affect on the child.
11:02 That is what we call delayed response.
11:06 Another impact is that children are as damaged or harmed
11:12 as older children, meaning younger children have a
11:17 devastating results as much as the adolescent
11:20 or older child.
11:22 Sometimes because the child is young and they can't
11:25 articulate their pain, they are not able to make sense
11:29 of all the details of what's going on, they seem like
11:32 they don't understand, but it doesn't mean that they
11:35 are not being negatively impacted.
11:38 So parents, or the caregivers, shouldn't dismiss a child
11:43 and think they don't know what is going on.
11:46 Our recommendation is that you really need to follow the
11:49 child closely, secure them with a lot of emotional
11:52 support, give them a stable of an afterlife as you can,
11:57 so the child can keep their normalcy.
12:01 As quickly as you are able to you get
12:04 them professional help.
12:07 Regressive behavior is almost the opposite
12:11 of delayed response.
12:13 In this case, rather than the problem coming years later,
12:17 we find the child going back.
12:20 For example a child that was no longer wetting the bed,
12:24 could resort to bed wetting.
12:26 These are some of things that can happen to children.
12:30 Divorce has it's traumatizing effect on children.
12:34 Sometimes children become confused about relationships.
12:38 Your mom and dad are two people who love you most.
12:44 When you see this love broken as it were, or separated,
12:49 you are not sure what love really means.
12:52 So as you grow up it sometimes creates confusion in your
12:57 emotions, and when you say you love you are not sure you
13:01 are loving like mommy and daddy loved, or you are loving
13:04 like somebody else should.
13:07 You find the children that go through a divorce, or many
13:11 children, not all of them, but many children who go
13:13 through a divorce become confused about their emotions.
13:16 Divorce is a very stressful life event.
13:19 What would you say to someone who say to you say to
13:26 how do I get over the pain of losing someone that I truly
13:32 love, how do I get over that pain?
13:34 Much like you get over the crisis in your life, or other
13:41 crises, you have to accept that this has happened.
13:46 Except that you still have life.
13:50 You have a family and you have yourself, you have other
13:53 people that love and support you, and you must move on.
13:58 There are concerns, for example, there is social concern,
14:03 the fate of the divorce is not just the family and home
14:08 environment, it spills out into society.
14:11 Many children, the children in the school and society,
14:16 when you trace it, it is from a divorced broken home.
14:20 It has economic concerns, there's spiritual concerns.
14:24 It affects their spiritual health of the family and it
14:27 also affects the economy of the family.
14:30 Children who come out of a family that experiences a
14:35 divorce sometimes end up with emotions of anger.
14:41 They get really frustrated in understanding the pain
14:46 that they feel and they are not likely, or not usually
14:51 able to make sense of that anger.
14:54 Because they still love their parents, they are not
14:56 divorced from their parents, the parents are divorced
14:59 from each other.
15:00 But daddy is still my dad and mommy is still my mom
15:04 and I love them both.
15:06 So they don't know what to do with those emotions often.
15:09 You know there is a big difference between
15:11 a divorce and a death.
15:13 As matter of fact sometimes the divorce is far more
15:17 painful then death.
15:18 Because when there is a death you have flowers and cards
15:22 and there's a funeral and burial and things like that.
15:26 When there is a divorce there is sometimes no friends,
15:30 no cards, no flowers and you are left alone.
15:34 That makes it even more painful.
15:37 Sometimes you feel guilty and that leads to self-reproach
15:42 or self-hate.
15:44 In fact, sometimes people hurt themselves because they
15:48 think they are responsible for what happened.
15:50 Or they begin to reflect deeply on how they may have contributed
15:54 to the breakdown in that family.
15:56 And instead of getting help and relocating their pain,
15:59 they hurt themselves even more.
16:02 Janet, did you stay in your pain for ever or have you
16:09 moved on with your life?
16:10 Where are you now, share with us.
16:12 Will we serve a wonderful God who blessed me and my children
16:18 with a wonderful man.
16:19 I got remarried, and have been married
16:23 for four years now.
16:24 He is a God fearing man and our home is now
16:29 a happy home again.
16:31 Alonzo: beautiful, that is beautiful.
16:33 In other words you have picked up the broken pieces,
16:36 brushed things off and move on.
16:40 We recommend that whatever your situation is,
16:45 trust in God.
16:47 If you are listening to us and your family is going
16:49 through a difficult time, you are contemplating a
16:52 divorce, again I appeal to you get some professional help
16:58 and turn matters over to your Creator and your Maker,
17:04 because He has the power to change things.
17:07 He has the power to change you, and He has the power
17:10 to change your situation.
17:12 We hope that by you watching this program, if you are
17:16 going through this problem you will find some help.
17:21 Thank you for watching and have a great day.