Participants: Alanzo & June Smith
Series Code: FFH
Program Code: FFH00004B
00:03 Welcome back you have been watching Families 4 Heaven.
00:09 We are talking about
00:11 Ingredients That Builds a Happy Marriage.
00:15 We are so happy that you took the time out to join us
00:19 in our discussion on building stronger marriages and
00:24 stronger families.
00:25 Tell us a little about yourself and how
00:29 you have been married.
00:31 First of all of us like to thank you for inviting us
00:34 to be here, is our pleasure.
00:37 My name is Lizet and I'm here with my husband
00:41 Julio tonight.
00:43 We are with the from the Adventist church and we have
00:49 been married for 36 years, by the grace of God.
00:52 We are so happy to be here.
00:57 Alanzo: any children from the lovely marriage?
01:00 Yeah we have 6 children, and 4 beautiful grandchildren.
01:08 Alanzo: it is obvious Dr. June, that this lovely couple
01:13 must be doing something wonderful.
01:16 Every day we hear about marriages lasting for a year,
01:21 some four, some five, but not a long time.
01:24 They have 30 how many? Guests: 36. Alanzo: 36 years.
01:29 That speaks volumes in this day and age.
01:34 So share with us some of the ingredients that you put
01:37 into your marriage that allowed you to survive these
01:41 many years.
01:43 By the grace of God, as I said we've been married for
01:48 36 years, and we got married at a very young age.
01:53 Through the years we learnt a lot of things.
01:57 We have our upside downs and we learn from that.
02:03 We learned ingredients as to how to communicate.
02:08 How to spend time together.
02:12 How to respect each other.
02:16 Alanzo: so I hear you say, first of all you learned how
02:20 to communicate.
02:22 Dr. June, Virginia Sitar speaks about communication
02:26 and the communication theory, could you address that for
02:31 us as it relates to its importance in a marriage?
02:34 In fact it is said that communication is the number one,
02:39 it is on the top of the list of major problems that cause
02:43 family dysfunction or disruption.
02:46 So for all the things that people have problems with,
02:48 communication is one.
02:51 So you have mastered that, you have probably been ahead of the
02:54 game, but yes according to communication theories, there
02:58 is nothing called no communication.
03:02 All families communicate, even when they withdraw and
03:06 go silent, they called the silent treatment, the fact is
03:10 they are communicating ineffectively,
03:13 but they do communicate.
03:15 So if you are developing the good methods of communicating,
03:19 clearly you have learned well.
03:21 Alanzo: is there anything else you would like to share with us?
03:24 We usually spend time together, we usually like to take
03:31 a walk and that is when we try to speak to each other
03:37 about problems, our happiness, about everything.
03:43 Alanzo: so you go for leisurely walks.
03:46 Julio: Sometime we are doing something together in
03:49 the kitchen too.
03:51 Sometimes, mop and I wash the dishes too, I like to help her.
03:58 Alanzo: that's good I like what he says about helping
04:02 in the kitchen, you know I have my limitations there.
04:05 I do try, I do try.
04:10 Dr. June: one of the ingredients in a happy marriage is
04:11 admit your limitations.
04:16 Julio, I admired what you said about working in the
04:21 kitchen because often times men tend to think, it is a
04:27 stereo typical thinking into believing we are not
04:30 supposed to help in the kitchen, sometimes that creates
04:33 problems, so I can see how that helps to strengthen your
04:36 marriage relationship over the years.
04:39 Dr. June: and it is good modeling for your sons so that
04:43 they learn that you help your wife with chores, washing
04:47 dishes, mopping the floor, and doing all the things that
04:50 need to be done at home.
04:52 Lizet: we also say positive words to each other, we never
04:58 call names, we respect each other as much as we can.
05:04 Dr. June: so even if you get upset you speak to the issue
05:08 and not attack the person.
05:11 Lizet: when I get mad, when I'm very disappointed, I stay
05:16 quiet, I don't say anything so he knows.
05:19 I say it is not time to talk, give me a break, and then
05:25 we'll go back to this.
05:27 Dr. June: that is good strategy, you are protesting
05:29 and recognizing that there is a problem.
05:31 You are saying we have to talk about this, but right now
05:34 you are not feeling calm enough to talk.
05:37 So you would rather not talk at that point,
05:40 then you'll talk later.
05:42 So you do not say the wrong things at that point.
05:45 Alanzo: and that is crucial, that is very important.
05:47 It is a beautiful ingredient they are mentioning here.
05:50 Sometimes we like to speak in the spur of the moment.
05:53 We like to talk we are angry, when we are upset, we want
05:57 to fight back, and that is not always the best strategy.
06:01 To maintain healthy marriages put that ingredient in, know
06:05 when to say what, and know how to say it.
06:08 We also say affirmation words, positive words to each other.
06:16 Alanzo, so you do affirmation, so he would tell you...
06:23 Lizet: for example, when he is cleaning the kitchen,
06:28 even if he doesn't do it the way I do it, I learned that
06:33 I have to thank him for helping me.
06:35 Dr. June: so you say thank you I really appreciate your
06:40 helping, and that encourages him to keep trying.
06:43 Yes! Alanzo: what if you see her dressed up like she has
06:46 a nice hairdo or beautiful dress,
06:49 what would be your response?
06:50 When I see her beautiful, I say it looks beautiful.
07:00 Alanzo: that's nice, that's very nice.
07:02 Dr. June: and we are saying that is an essential ingredient
07:04 you want to appreciate and affirm each other, daily.
07:08 Alanzo: marriage sometimes is not as difficult as some
07:12 people tend to make it.
07:14 It is because we are not putting in these ingredients
07:17 that we are talking about that sometimes
07:19 make it so difficult.
07:21 Dr. June could you share with us some more of the things
07:26 that we can put into our marriages to make it wholesome
07:30 and happy and long lasting?
07:32 I think one of the important principles is that couples
07:37 first must be friends.
07:39 I find that we relate to our friends so nicely, so kindly.
07:45 We look out for their interests.
07:47 We spent quality time with them.
07:49 The things that make us happy we want to share with them.
07:52 So when your spouse is your friend, your best friend,
07:56 then it's easier for you to relate in a friendly way.
08:00 But if you have a best friend outside of your spouse,
08:04 then your spouse is discounted.
08:07 So I think it is essential for us to recognize that there
08:10 has to be mutual fulfillment between each other.
08:14 That we are meeting the needs of the other.
08:16 Alanzo: well said, I would also add that each individual
08:21 needs to be emotionally healthy.
08:25 Many times individuals going into a relationship hoping
08:29 that they will become whole as a result of that relationship.
08:34 Now Dr. Smith, we talk about some of these things that
08:39 help to make marriages wholesome, but what if a family
08:44 is watching, or listening, and those ingredients are not
08:48 there, they once had been but they have disappeared.
08:53 The question is, Can those ingredients be regained?
08:57 Dr. June: again when you are married, your commitment
09:01 should be to stay married and to stay in a happy state,
09:05 so that if you have gotten to a point in your relationship
09:09 where you find that your marriage feels dull
09:12 and there isn't much passion, the things that you are
09:16 accustomed to do for each other isn't happening anymore, then
09:21 yes, you can take responsibility to turn it around.
09:24 We can turn around large corporations.
09:27 We are even trying to turn around the economy of the
09:30 world, we can turn around our marriages.
09:33 It takes a committed, dedicated, intentional effort
09:38 on both parties part.
09:41 I would like to take you to the good book, the Bible.
09:46 I would like to share with you a text in 1 Corinthians 30.
09:51 I will share with you from a New Testament in a modern version.
09:55 It says, "love is patient and kind. "
10:00 That is powerful, patient and kind.
10:04 Dr. June: it is essential that when you are in a
10:08 relationship that you cannot carry grudges, you can
10:12 not exercise envy of the other person.
10:15 In fact, you are your spouse's best friend so that you
10:20 cannot be jealous of your partner.
10:22 Your role in the relationship is to support and elevate
10:26 your partner, your spouse.
10:28 Alanzo: Love is not forward or self-centered, narcissism cannot
10:35 reside within the heart.
10:37 You have to be open, you have to be free, and you have
10:42 to be honest with each other.
10:45 In a marriage there is no space for boasting
10:49 and conceded-ness.
10:51 One partner might be much more talented than the other.
10:55 May have skills that can outdo the other, but the role
10:59 of that partner is to complement your spouse so that
11:03 together, as a team, you win.
11:06 Can love be rekindled?
11:09 You both have been married for a long time, 36 years.
11:15 A lovely family, what would you say to them, can you
11:19 give them anything that would say yes, love can be
11:23 rekindled, or can it not be?
11:26 Definitely it can, Dr. Smith.
11:30 We compromise ourselves a long time ago that we were
11:35 going to stay together in a healthy marriage, happily.
11:39 Not perfect, we are not perfect marriage, but we try
11:45 our best and we are going to be growing in our longest
11:51 marriage together.
11:53 First of all, we have God in the center of our relationship.
11:58 So clearly you are suggesting that spirituality is one
12:05 dimension in a relationship that keeps the marriage stable.
12:09 Lizet: definitely we also compromise to pray together,
12:15 to spend more time praying every single day.
12:21 Morning, afternoon, evening and that helps us to
12:26 strengthen our marriage.
12:29 No wonder it says, a family that prays together stays together.
12:33 Alanzo: that is so true.
12:35 To rekindle love in a marital relationship both parties have
12:41 to have what we call a non-judgmental attitude.
12:45 If you start judging each other, you are not going to
12:48 be able to rekindle love.
12:50 You have to have this non-judgmental attitude where
12:54 you show respect for each other, and not judging each other.
12:59 Lizet: another thing Dr. Smith, do good things to each other.
13:04 Once in a while, Julio surprised me at work.
13:08 He knows that I am very busy and that I work hard and
13:12 not going to have time for lunch.
13:15 So he brings me a lunch, so I love that because he
13:19 surprised me, he makes my day.
13:21 Dr. June: very nice. Alanzo: beautiful, that's wonderful.
13:24 Julio: we are trying you know.
13:25 Dr. June: I'm sure that it is mutual, that there are
13:28 times when you will surprise him as well. Lizet: yes!
13:32 Sometimes I call him from outside and say,
13:36 Julio can you step outside?
13:38 He goes why? because I am outside.
13:44 Dr. June: that's nice that you pop in at work and surprise him.
13:47 Alanzo: is it possible for two people who are not
13:51 experiencing the love they once had, that they could
13:55 rekindle that love by starting to date over?
13:59 Dr. June: that is what happened, usually in pre-marriage, where
14:03 there is so much passion in that process, in that dating stage.
14:08 So certainly, if they can recapture the essence of what
14:12 brought them together and as it were, strike the match
14:15 allover again, then they are likely to rekindle the
14:19 emotions that brought them together.
14:21 Of course, they want to process what is it that we have
14:25 committed ourselves to?
14:26 Once you cognitively establish that you have meaning,
14:32 and that your relationship has a significant reason to
14:37 be, and to exist, then you are likely to find enough
14:41 ingredients to stay together.
14:44 I think a good motto to live by is, don't quit, recommit.
14:52 Don't walk away from your marriage,
14:54 recommit to the health of the marriage.
14:57 Every marriage needs to be maintained, call it marriage
15:01 maintenance, for these people to have had their marriage
15:04 going for 36 years, and you look as if you're going to
15:08 have many, many more years to go.
15:10 They must have maintained the marriage.
15:13 How can one maintain their marriage?
15:15 Dr. June: I think like all other institutions, we take
15:19 responsibility to do upkeep.
15:22 We maintain our cars, our lawns, our hair,
15:25 we take responsibility to groom the things that
15:28 need to be maintained.
15:30 So as it is in our marriage.
15:31 We know the things that each other like and take personal
15:35 pride in each other and we do all the things that will
15:38 certainly build the other person up.
15:41 As long as you are constructive in your relationship
15:44 between each other, then the building, the institution
15:46 of marriage will last, will be strong.
15:49 We have been talking about the ingredients of a happy
15:52 marriage, and there are several things we have mentioned.
15:55 The number one thing that we want to mention however,
15:59 is to make sure you let God be the center of your life.
16:03 We cannot get away from what the Psalmist says,
16:06 "except the Lord build the house they labor in vain"
16:10 "that build it. "
16:12 May God bless you.