Participants: Alanzo & June Smith
Series Code: FFH
Program Code: FFH00006B
00:04 Welcome back! You are watching Families For Heaven
00:09 We are talking about how to handle a crises.
00:14 And we have been interviewing Carter Francis and Booty Francis
00:20 Booty has gone through a severe crises, and as you listen to
00:26 their stories, Dr. June, is there a word that you could use
00:32 to best summarize what is taking place now after the tragedy?
00:37 It seems to me that people who like Booty and Carter who have
00:43 gone through this crises, can best as they move on, summarize
00:48 by the word resilience.
00:49 Except you are able to bounce back after an event or tragedy
00:55 like this, you are likely to continue to suffer more from
01:00 that situation.
01:01 So the capacity to redirect, re-organize and to draw
01:06 on the resources that are available to you
01:09 through friends and other support.
01:11 that you can continue to live your life although there will be
01:14 changes, although you will have to adapt and adjust,
01:17 your life is not over.
01:19 Alanzo: So when we talk about resilience, we are talking about
01:24 the capacity to withstand the blows of life.
01:30 We're talking about the ability to rebound, not to stay down.
01:35 A sheer determination to rise above the water.
01:39 A sheer determination to be stronger then you ever was.
01:43 Carter, is there anything you had to do?
01:47 You are a professional, is there anything you had to do as you
01:52 work on this crises?
01:54 Well for the first two years after Booty came home from
02:00 the hospital, I had to give up all my jobs.
02:04 To nurse her 24/7, to bring her back.
02:08 I had to do just about anything a professional nurse would do
02:16 for a patient at home.
02:18 I nursed her after two years I went back, at that time.
02:25 At that time, I fixed her lunch and leave it in the refrigerator
02:34 or I had to be there taking care,
02:38 I gave up my job totally.
02:41 And decided that now it was you job to nurse her back.
02:48 That is what we are talking about.
02:55 That is called resilience, these days people break too easily.
03:01 People walk away, when you are faced with challenges like these
03:07 there is a tendency to walk away.
03:10 Now I notice when you were talking to them you said,
03:15 Carter and Booty what did you both, but Booty is the one
03:20 who had the crises.
03:22 She is the one that had the problem.
03:24 Now put that for me in the context of the family
03:29 as a system, how does her problem become his problem?
03:34 Your children and other family members?
03:37 As you can well imagine in a situation like this,
03:40 happening to you will leave you very dependent.
03:44 Not all crises will render an individual totally dependent
03:49 upon another person.
03:50 But in this event, Booty became more dependent on Carter for
03:54 support and so it was essential that the entire family got
03:59 involved in her aftercare.
04:01 So when a crises occurs in the family, it's not just about
04:05 the identified person who has endured the circumstance.
04:09 But the entire family has to re-adjust.
04:12 Alanzo: so we are saying this one person in the family affects
04:17 all, and you have to understand that, it is not just about
04:21 the individual, it is the entire family, we see the
04:24 family as a system.
04:29 How do I maintain, or how do I have family resilience?
04:36 What are the keys? Or are there Keys to a family resilience?
04:42 I think it is essential that as a family we accept that this
04:47 is what has happened.
04:48 And to make meaning of the adversity, accepting the reality
04:55 Separating the pieces and the facts an understanding.
04:58 This is what we have in our hands and we are going to have
05:01 to move forward.
05:02 And as we listened to Carter and Booty's story, we heard
05:06 them talking about their spirituality and how they drew
05:10 from a higher power, that source that kept them and motivated
05:14 them to move on.
05:16 So one can add spirituality as a source of resilience.
05:21 Another factor is to be flexible so your life might change.
05:26 The situation, the circumstances and events, the way you lived
05:31 your life may never be the same again.
05:33 So it is essential as a family you become flexible.
05:36 If children are involved, they are going to have to adjust
05:39 and adapt to recognize many of the things they have done before
05:44 as a family together may not be possible any longer.
05:47 So we all adapt and adjust to accommodate the circumstance
05:51 in the family.
05:52 Connectiveness it's also important.
05:57 Booty, did you find out of this tragedy you were drawn closer
06:02 to Carter and Carter was drawn closer to you, or as a result
06:07 of this tragedy, both of you were drifting apart?
06:13 No we got closer, he knows everything about me.
06:19 If he comes in and I'm not talking, he knows he has to
06:23 do some counseling.
06:24 So our communication developed very much, and I was able to
06:29 talked to him anytime, any day at his work, because his
06:33 supervisor understood the situation with me.
06:37 Alanzo: so he was not only your husband, but he was also
06:41 your consular? Booty: Yes!
06:43 That's good, that's good!
06:45 Carter: you talk about changes in your family
06:55 and I have some very prime examples I could give.
06:58 for instant, for the first three months after Booty came home
07:03 from the hospital, we have an upstairs house.
07:10 To get her from upstairs to downstairs we had to
07:13 put her on a sheet.
07:14 and the four of us would hold one end of the sheet.
07:19 We would take her downstairs on the sheet, that's the way
07:22 we would get her downstairs.
07:23 And when we had to get her from downstairs to upstairs,
07:27 we had to go through the same process again.
07:29 Alanzo: how long did you say? Carter: for three months.
07:31 We had to do that as a family.
07:36 We had to make some changes in our homes.
07:39 We never had rails, we had to put rails so she could
07:43 hold on those.
07:45 And now we have a wheelchair rolling around in our house.
07:49 We never had that before, so we to adjust the furniture.
07:54 We had to adjust everything so that we have passage for the
07:59 wheelchair can move around in the house and all that.
08:01 Those are some of the adjustments we had to make.
08:03 Ladies and gentlemen as we are talking about resilience.
08:10 When you have a crises, your duty is to manage that crises.
08:16 That is your job, not to give up not to become frustrated
08:22 not to become depressed.
08:23 To accept your reality and manage your crises.
08:29 Dr. June, there are changes and mood swings,
08:34 and emotional expressions.
08:36 How does one make that kind of adjustment?
08:40 Especially if I am the victim, let's use the word victim,
08:44 If I'm the victim in the crises, often times I'm going to
08:49 it's like you have to give me some more.
08:53 What kind of an emotional adjustment one needs to make?
08:56 It is a very difficult thing for an individual who has
09:00 sustained a severe loss, a horrific tragedy to smile
09:04 all the time.
09:06 Or to just accept this is what has happened and
09:08 move on with your life.
09:09 So it is reasonable to expect there will be days when you will
09:14 be overwhelmed, when you will feel emotions that drives
09:18 you to be angry, when you will question even God and you just
09:23 can't find an answer for what happened.
09:25 So emotionally you will be on this roller coaster as it were.
09:30 That is, in order for you to move forward you must accept
09:34 that it is a part of a process.
09:36 Then be open with your emotions so that you state what you are
09:40 thinking and feeling so the people around you who provide
09:44 care are aware and become sensitive to what your needs are
09:48 No doubt Booty you have experienced this roller coaster.
09:51 When there were days you really felt down. Booty: Yes!
09:55 Would you like to talk about that?
09:57 Booty: What I do is I try to learn text that will,
10:03 if I am fearful I know a text to say, to repeat.
10:07 So I have used many text in the Bible to help me.
10:12 Alanzo: your spirituality was very powerful in helping you
10:17 to grow out of this situation?
10:19 Booty: yes!
10:21 One has to have a positive out look in dealing with this issue.
10:26 I don't want to minimize the pain and minimize what you have
10:31 gone through, to act as though you just wake up and say
10:36 that have a good outlook on this.
10:38 There are crying days, am I right in this?
10:40 There are lonesome moments, painful moments, and you have to
10:44 agonize, sometimes with God what's happening to you.
10:49 Why is it that your life has changed so dramatically.
10:53 But you can't stay like that, you have to rise above it.
10:57 You have to have a positive outlook.
10:59 Would you say, and it is a hard question I'm going to ask,
11:03 would you say your husband is a very patient man?
11:07 Yes, extremely patient. Alanzo: extremely patient.
11:11 Yes, uh hum.
11:18 If this is correct for me to say I think it's an observer
11:21 Patience just doesn't come as a virtue, it comes out of love.
11:26 So obviously your husband loved you enough to sacrifice himself
11:32 and his needs, to provide for you in a time of crises.
11:37 Sustaining hope, you mentioned Carter that you kept hope,
11:43 you never let go of hope and that you took an optimistic
11:49 view of all that has happened, all that was happening to you.
11:54 Here you are now, this is the reality of your wife.
12:00 This is where she is and for all purposes she might stay this way
12:08 Are you sorry that you had hoped and that she was not totally
12:13 healed, or are you thankful and satisfied, talk to us.
12:17 I am extremely grateful, in fact one of the things I remember
12:22 talking to God about when she was in a coma and the doctors
12:27 were saying that they couldn't give me a positive diagnosis
12:31 of whether or not she would be back whether she won't be back.
12:35 One of the things I grappled with God with is that
12:39 I need my wife.
12:40 I just couldn't afford to lose her at this point in my life.
12:47 Things were going well for us and I felt that this was my life
12:53 As a result of that I prayed and God answered and brought
13:00 her back to me and I am extremely grateful for it.
13:05 I think that God has worked the miracle I was asking for.
13:09 My life was to bring my wife back to me where she is now.
13:17 I am happy and I'm thankful to God.
13:18 Your listening and you're watching and the question I have
13:23 for you, will you be able to look yourself in the mirror and
13:28 say, this is my situation, this is my crises, and do you know
13:33 what, I have accepted it.
13:35 Do you have the strength to move on, to accept the limitations
13:41 whatever it is that life has dealt you, can you take that
13:45 and move on with faith and hope encourage?
13:50 Because if you can't, then it means that you are not happy
13:54 with yourself and you will continue to go through life
13:59 miserable, despondent, unhappy, depressed and name it.
14:03 When you did not have to go that road, you did not have
14:07 to take that way.
14:08 You can, you know there are two sides to a road.
14:11 One side is shady and the other side is sunny.
14:14 You don't have to walk on the sunny side, you can choose
14:18 the shade, you can choose to stay depressed.
14:22 You can choose to stay lonely, you can choose to stay sad, or
14:27 you can choose to be happy just by simply accepting
14:30 your situation and moving on.
14:33 If there is nothing as you have gotten from this program
14:37 we hope that you have gotten this one thing.
14:41 Accept myself for who I am and move on no matter what.
14:46 Accept your limitations, fight through life, don't give up.
14:52 Be courageous, be optimistic and above all trust in God.
14:57 Because the God who created you is that God will sustain you.
15:02 and that God who will take you home when He comes again.
15:05 Thank you!