Participants: Alanzo & June Smith
Series Code: FFH
Program Code: FFH00007A
00:04 With each new day families are failing, homes are broken.
00:09 Marriages are threatened, fathers are absent.
00:13 Children are rebellious but all is not lost.
00:17 Homes can be healed and hearts can be mended.
00:21 Let's reclaim our Families 4 Heaven.
00:35 Thank you for watching Families 4 Heaven.
00:38 I'm Alanzo Smith and my co-host is June Smith.
00:43 we're discussing Self-efficacy, Understanding Who I Am.
00:50 It is critical and extremely important that every child,
00:58 grow up with a strong image of themselves.
01:02 The child as they develop is endorsed and affirmed by their
01:08 parents, their teachers, their caregivers, and they begin to
01:14 understand what their strengths are, what their limitations are,
01:17 and that allows them to build confidence.
01:21 In order for a child to feel secure and to achieve their
01:24 ultimate development, they must understand what their strengths
01:30 are, what their limitations are, in other words, they must be
01:35 able to answer the question, who am I?
01:37 That is so true, unfortunately there are many individuals
01:45 professionals, and non- professionals who do not
01:50 have a healthy self-esteem.
01:53 They haven't developed Self-efficacy.
01:56 There are some causative factors and one of them is peer pressure
02:02 Sometimes individuals allow their peers to define who they
02:07 are, to think for them.
02:09 They feel they are not someone or somebody unless they follow
02:15 another person.
02:17 That in and of itself is self-defeating.
02:20 Children sometimes get low measure of themselves,
02:24 when they are compared with another person.
02:27 Even in a family where you have two siblings,
02:30 one child might have talents that are not idiosyncratic
02:36 to the other child.
02:37 If a parent were to compare this child with his brother
02:41 or his sister, and then the child thinks that something is
02:45 wrong with him.
02:46 So we want to do is help each Child to value themselves for
02:50 who they are and that will establish their
02:54 own sense of worth.
02:56 We are talking about causative factors, why one may
03:02 develop self-esteem.
03:05 There are some parents who are just negative.
03:08 They don't see a star in the child.
03:13 They think negatively they speak negatively toward the child.
03:18 And they say they think sometimes they don't mean it
03:20 hoping it will motivate the child, sometimes like they are
03:25 doing paradoxical intervention.
03:27 They say something negative hoping in the child will
03:29 respond positively, but most times it does not work that way.
03:34 So parents do not speak negatively towards your children
03:40 Some children find it real difficult to accept their flaws.
03:45 They equate their worth and their identity with the
03:50 mistakes they make.
03:52 So we try to help children understand that it is extremely
03:57 necessary that you know you will make mistakes, but that does not
04:02 define who you are.
04:03 So your reality is not necessarily defined by
04:08 the errors in judgment you make.
04:10 Over identity with failure.
04:15 Sometimes we fail as we all do at times and there are
04:20 individuals who are able to brace themselves up,
04:24 move on, get over it.
04:26 There are others that are not able to.
04:29 They become depressed or stressed and they take on
04:34 the failure thinking that is their life.
04:37 Or they see themselves as failures.
04:40 When you're over identified with failure, it is a sign of
04:44 someone who is experiencing negative self-worth.
04:48 There are some individuals who have a poor image of themselves.
04:53 One they may have compared it with others, instead of having
04:57 their own identity, they have an image of somebody they should
05:01 be like, we call that over identification.
05:03 Sometimes their heroes become their own identity.
05:08 So rather than accepting their reality, they are living their
05:10 lives in somebody else's skin as it were.
05:12 That allows them to feel incomplete, because you can't
05:19 be somebody other than who you are.
05:21 So what we try to do is to help children appreciate
05:24 who they are, to work on the limits they have,
05:26 and celebrate the strengths they have.
05:29 Unrealistic expectation often times people develop grandiose
05:36 idea of who they are and what they can accomplish.
05:42 When this does not happen then they become depressed,
05:47 they feel like they are failures.
05:49 So when you have these grandiose ideas, they can limit your
05:55 ability to function and for you to move along in life.
05:59 So our encouragement is that do not have unrealistic
06:04 expectations, be a realist.
06:06 Another factor is that some children, and even adults,
06:13 are criticized by their significant others.
06:16 By their teachers, their parents, their counselors.
06:20 They are diminished. They feel belittled.
06:24 They equate that criticism with their identity.
06:28 So I am who my teachers say I am.
06:31 Or I am whom my parent or neighbors think I am.
06:34 As a result they have such a hard time feeling good
06:40 about themselves.
06:41 If someone were to tell you that you are who they think
06:46 you are, they are wrong.
06:48 That is so true!
06:50 We have with us here two wonderful young people.
06:56 We have Ryan Sharpe, and we have Stephanie Shaw.
07:02 Sharpe and Shaw.
07:04 Welcome, will you help me welcome them here?
07:16 Ryan, welcome and tell us who you are and just
07:21 a little about yourself.
07:22 Thank you so much for having me.
07:24 I am a Christian and also an attorney who practices
07:28 law in New York.
07:30 Alanzo: wonderful, wonderful. Stephanie.
07:32 Thank you, I am an executive manager for a major nonprofit
07:35 organization and pretty much active in the singles ministry
07:38 department at my church.
07:40 Alanzo: we have some questions that we want to ask you both.
07:46 We see you both as two individuals who understand what
07:53 self-efficacy is all about.
07:55 Without being arrogant, you know who you are.
08:01 We want to find out who you are and want you to share that
08:05 with our listeners.
08:06 So Ryan, here is my question for you.
08:09 As you develop in life, what do you think were some of the
08:15 things that were responsible for you to have a positive
08:21 sense of self?
08:23 You mentioned it earlier, and I think the affirmations
08:27 I got from my mother, especially when I was an adolescent.
08:31 Those affirmations were critical in terms of my
08:34 positive image of myself.
08:36 Alanzo: thank you very much.
08:38 Dr. June: Stephanie, as you reflect on your own person
08:43 what messages did you tell yourself that helped you
08:49 strengthen your image of self?
08:51 The messages were really, I think, what messages that were
08:53 inculcated in me as I was growing up.
08:56 I was always taught to reach for my dreams.
08:58 So one of things I can remember is my aunt used to say
09:03 you don't need to have a job you need a career.
09:05 Anyone can have a job, but a career is something that
09:08 stays with you for life.
09:09 So those dreams have really formed and shaped me as I
09:12 moved forward and continued into my adult life.
09:14 Dr. June: so the dreams, as you call them, are the injunctions
09:17 you got from your significant other's?
09:20 Your mother, your aunt helped you understand and accept
09:23 you had some where you were going? Stephanie: yes!
09:27 My faith helped to guide me through it.
09:29 What would you consider some of your strengths?
09:34 Ryan: perseverance through hardship, the ability to work
09:39 with others, and I think I am a good listener as well.
09:43 Those are my strengths.
09:45 Dr. June: now there are strengths as well as limitations
09:51 How do you address your limitations?
09:53 I first acknowledge that I have limitations.
09:56 Sometimes I'm humbled that I have them because in having
09:59 these limitations I believe God helped me to deal with them.
10:03 as I yield myself over to Him.
10:05 First I acknowledge and once I acknowledge, I asked the Lord
10:10 to give me strength to deal with those limitations.
10:13 I find it helps me to grow as a Christian.
10:16 Dr. June: now I'm sure you work many young people.
10:19 Some of them you might find don't think well, or feel-good
10:25 about themselves.
10:26 What might you say to a young person that would
10:30 help them improve of their self-image?
10:31 I would first say accepting themselves for who they are.
10:35 One of the things I think is critical is that one has to
10:38 first believe in themselves and not just believing, but loving
10:42 is critical, I love myself.
10:44 I do love myself, and I love who I am and I've always
10:48 encouraged individuals.
10:49 I would like to steal a line, I think, from Mike Angelo,
10:52 and I quote, and I use this council for singles
10:54 that a woman's heart should be so hidden that a man should
11:00 have to see him to find Christ.
11:04 I think if we have Christ in our hearts as Christians as
11:06 singles, as young adults, if we love ourselves that much,
11:09 and we have Him hidden in our hearts, if the man is coming
11:12 after us, he has to seek God first in order to find us.
11:15 That is really loving oneself.
11:17 Alanzo: you emphasize Ryan, at the beginning, your first
11:22 a Christian, so what role did your faith play in developing
11:27 your sense of self?
11:28 Well understanding God's character and who He is,
11:32 I see a God who is encouraging and when I look at the parables
11:36 of Luke I see a God who seeks for the lost coin, for the lost
11:40 sheep and that tells me that God looks at us individually.
11:43 He is seeking to have a relationship with us.
11:46 He values us and when I look at that I seek God values me.
11:49 That is where my sense of value comes from.
11:51 So that is a good example, I'm thinking also, like when God
11:57 wanted Jeremiah to do a particular job and He called
12:01 Jeremiah, and Jeremiah says, I cannot Lord for I am but a youth
12:05 He says don't say that, because I have already appointed you
12:09 to be a nation, a speaker unto the people.
12:14 You are saying that your faith played a significant role in
12:21 determining who you are. Ryan: yes, it is the lens
12:23 through which I view the world.
12:25 I am viewing the world now as God would have me view it.
12:28 It's quite a different look.
12:31 Dr. June: there are many Christians who believe that
12:36 they can't think good about themselves because
12:40 they are nothing, that they are only find strength as they
12:45 immerse, or subject themselves to God and we acknowledge that.
12:50 That it is God who gives us our strengths and talents.
12:53 But I believe that God wants us to take what He gives us
12:57 in our hands and use it to His honor and glory.
13:01 So that you shouldn't, you talked about the talents one
13:07 person getting the talent and hiding it.
13:09 Another person getting his talents and using it and
13:12 multiplying it and use it to God's glory.
13:14 Now I'm sure you have some text that you may have drawn on.
13:19 That assist you in the way you view yourself.
13:22 What might that be?
13:23 Yes, I love Jeremiah 29 verse 11 it says, "I know the plans"
13:27 "I have for you, plans to prosper you and not to harm you"
13:31 "plans for hope and a future. "
13:33 I embrace that text and it has been the forefront of my life.
13:39 I can see the results of it.
13:40 Alanzo: Ryan, your self-esteem has it helped you in reaching
13:49 your goal, and if so, how?
13:50 Ryan: most definitely, and I share my testimony often with
13:54 young people and law school and the bar exam.
13:57 Being honest with them I told them it wasn't easy, in fact,
14:00 it took me a few times before I was even successful on
14:03 the exam itself.
14:04 I shared that story because throughout it all God was
14:09 encouraging me to go ahead.
14:10 you know when I was younger I wanted to become a lawyer,
14:13 but I did not know how hard the work would be.
14:15 At each step of the way, and with each setback, God was
14:18 encouraging me to go ahead.
14:20 Alanzo: so the message you are giving young people, don't quit!
14:27 Ryan: don't quit!
14:28 Alanzo: because there are challenges out there and we
14:32 are not trying to sugar-coat life and to say as you pray
14:35 and ask something you are going to get it.
14:37 Or that you will be successful.
14:38 We are saying there are times when your faith will be tested.
14:42 There are times when you have to try and try and try again.
14:45 Don't give up, and you are using yourself as an example
14:48 to give that message. Ryan: yes.
14:51 Dr. June: some young people think, and maybe even adults,
14:55 that they don't have to do anything, God is going to take
14:59 care of them, and so they sit in bed and watch TV, or they
15:03 just wait on the matter to fall.
15:06 Is there a conflict between your reliance on God,
15:09 and your self-efficacy?
15:12 There is no conflict because I believe my existence is on
15:17 reliance on God, I don't exist without relying on God
15:21 for everything, but I do believe this, I do believe the Lord will
15:25 not do anything for me that I can do for myself.
15:27 Therefore it encourages me, at the same time to know if there
15:31 is something I think I can't do I can go to Him as a friend
15:35 and as of Him.
15:36 So there is a saying that says, that God helps them who can not
15:40 help themselves, but He also helps those who can help
15:42 themselves so we have to know our limitations and should
15:44 rely on Him and that is what I do.
15:46 So you are saying that God gives as talents, and He gives us
15:49 skills and He expects us to develop these skills to our
15:51 best potential and use it to His glory.
15:54 Stephanie: exactly!
15:55 Alanzo: not only do you talk about your sense of self,
16:00 but the way you present yourself you have a beautiful smile,
16:04 are you happy with yourself Stephanie?
16:06 I am happy with myself and I love myself.
16:08 Alanzo: Ryan, you talk with a lot of confidence,
16:12 are you happy with yourself?
16:14 Yes I am, by God's grace, His image of me makes me happy
16:18 with myself, yes.
16:20 Dr. June: and that's what happens, the closer you get
16:22 to Him, the more you understand you are product of His hands.
16:26 Alanzo: you notice that as we listen to these two individuals,
16:30 there was never a moment when a negative statement came
16:37 out of their mouth.
16:38 Not at all, yet we are living in a society and an age where
16:43 people are bombarded with negative statements.
16:46 Statements that they give themselves.
16:49 Dr. June: what would you say to an individual who says,
16:52 I don't think I am an important person, I don't like myself.
16:58 I am not special, what would you say to such a person?
17:02 Unfortunately when a person, whatever person thinks is
17:06 usually correct, so what I would do is help that person explore
17:11 why they have come to that conclusion and then challenge
17:15 their thinking so they can change that thought.
17:18 Alanzo: we really want you to take a keen look at what we
17:23 are saying because it is very important, cognitive behavior
17:29 is really strong and the way you behave, think and act
17:35 cognitively, will determine your feeling and your behavior.
17:39 Thank you so much Stephanie for sharing with us a little
17:43 of yourself, and thank you Ryan for coming on our show,
17:46 and sharing a little of yourself and telling us who you are.
17:49 We are very happy that you took the time out to be here.
17:52 We have a lot more to talk about self-efficacy.
17:55 We will take a break and be right back!