Participants: Pr. William Lee (Host), Brandon Dent, Colin King PhD
Series Code: FGO
Program Code: FGO000014
00:01 Hi, welcome to "For Guys Only,"
00:02 a program that's specifically designed
00:04 to meet the needs of the urban man.
00:06 I'm Pastor William Lee
00:08 and today we have a very exciting program for you today.
00:11 Today, our topic is how to find a good wife?
00:15 Stay tuned as we join right into our program.
00:30 All right gentlemen, it's so good to see
00:31 each one of you all here again today.
00:33 We are so excited about today's program.
00:36 I believe this is gonna be a blessing to our viewers
00:39 as we discuss how to find a good wife?
00:42 Moving forward again in today's topic,
00:43 just want to kind of introduce ourselves to our viewers today
00:46 so our viewers can understand who we are
00:48 and our perspective of what we bring to the table today.
00:50 So I'll start with you Brandon,
00:52 tell me a little about yourself.
00:54 Yes, my name is Brandon Dent
00:56 and I've been married now 27 years.
01:00 I have two grown sons and a daughter,
01:03 teenage daughter at home.
01:05 I'm a retired business executive
01:08 from the automotive industry
01:10 and I'm running my own marketing company.
01:13 All right, very good, very good.
01:14 Dr. King? Certainly.
01:15 My name is Colin King.
01:17 I have two teenagers, one a boy and one a girl.
01:21 I've been married for 21 years.
01:23 I'm from South America
01:25 and I've lived for sometime in North America
01:27 and in the Caribbean also.
01:29 I've been trained formerly as a clinical psychologist
01:33 and I'm really, really excited to be on this program today.
01:37 All right, all right, very good.
01:38 And I'm Pastor William Lee.
01:40 I've been married now for eight years,
01:42 I have two boys, 6 years old as well as a 18 month old
01:47 and I'm just excited for what God is gonna do
01:49 as we begin to discuss today's topic.
01:51 So, kind of just want to have word of prayer
01:53 and then we're gonna jump
01:54 right into our discussions today.
01:56 So let's bow our heads for a prayer now.
01:58 God, we are so thankful that
01:59 You have allowed us to be here once again today
02:02 and God, we just pray for your richest blessing
02:04 as we discuss this topic.
02:06 I pray God, that You'll bless the viewers.
02:08 May we align all of our wills with Your will for our lives.
02:11 For we pray it in Jesus' name. Amen.
02:15 Let's kind of get a-- just to start off
02:17 with a biblical foundation first.
02:18 We always want to go to the Bible
02:20 to see what a God has to say
02:22 about any topic that we discuss.
02:23 So, as we discuss how to find a good wife,
02:26 there's an amazing text in Proverbs 18:22,
02:30 where the Bible says "Whoever finds a wife finds a good thing
02:35 and obtains the favor of the Lord."
02:38 Whoever finds a good wife
02:40 the Bible says finds a good thing
02:42 and you have got favor in your life
02:44 when you find that woman.
02:45 Now, let's kind of just you know,
02:47 break it down a little bit.
02:49 Now the reality is that when guys look for a woman,
02:52 look for a wife,
02:54 I mean, there has to be some type of conscious decision
02:57 as well as even maybe subconscious decisions
03:01 that we make as men as we're looking and paraousing
03:03 perusing the scene,
03:05 trying to find you know, just that one for us.
03:07 So, kind of you know, break the ice for us.
03:10 Are there conscious as well as subconscious things
03:13 that guys look for in a wife?
03:16 You know, even before I answer that very provocative question,
03:19 someone sent this to me.
03:22 I think a couple of weeks ago, talking about God.
03:25 And God said to a man,
03:27 "I'm gonna find you the prefect woman,
03:32 someone who can wash and clean and cook and bear your children
03:36 and look good and sexy, the perfect woman for you.
03:40 And I'm gonna place that person
03:43 or I'm gonna give you four choices.
03:45 I'm gonna place one woman
03:47 on all four corners of the earth."
03:50 Sounds like a deal, right? All right.
03:52 And then God made the world round
03:55 and He laughed and He laughed and He laughed.
03:59 So the point is, I don't know that
04:01 there is any such thing as a perfect person.
04:04 However we tend to look for the ideal mate
04:07 and you know we are generally driven
04:10 by conscious forces and sub-conscious forces.
04:14 Conscious forces like, you know, height, weight, size,
04:19 education, attractiveness, the way how the person dresses.
04:25 So those are the conscious things that we look at.
04:28 There are also unconscious forces at work
04:32 and as a matter of fact, a professor at Scotland,
04:36 he did an experiment just to--
04:37 just to make this very poignant point to his students.
04:41 He got a group of males and what he did,
04:43 he took their pictures
04:45 and he morphed their faces onto females.
04:49 So they really couldn't recognize their face.
04:53 And then he told them to choose a mate
04:56 and amazingly most of them chose a person
05:01 with a face that resembled theirs.
05:05 So the point that he wanted to make that
05:08 there's a lot of unconscious forces working
05:11 or I should say subconscious forces
05:13 working behind the scenes
05:14 that we don't realize and recognize. Okay.
05:17 And a lot of times we go for the familiar
05:20 without even realizing that's what we are doing
05:23 and that's why, you know,
05:25 we are told that guys marry their mothers
05:28 and girls marry their fathers
05:30 because they see them all the time,
05:32 they are familiar faces.
05:33 So, those are some of the unconscious drive
05:36 or subconscious drive that we need to be aware of
05:39 and the problem, problems begin to surface
05:43 when the conscious drive
05:45 outweigh the subconscious drives.
05:47 Wow! Okay that's very interesting.
05:50 Now as a guy now you know, as I begin to think about,
05:53 you know, you now guys are watching us right now.
05:56 There, I mean, there are guys, we are prone to look at a woman
06:00 and it's really, to begin with
06:02 it's all about her looks, you know.
06:04 What does she look like and then once we know,
06:07 once we see what she looks like
06:08 then we start going a little bit deeper.
06:10 Is there a problem starting, you know, with the conscious
06:13 or where should we really start really,
06:17 as it begins to looking for a good wife?
06:20 Well, I think it is natural to be drawn to beauty.
06:27 Okay. I think God made it that way.
06:32 He made Adam and Eve beautiful beings
06:38 but what supposed to happen was
06:42 our affection and our dedication
06:45 to that element was always to be
06:49 under the structure of divine guidance. Okay.
06:53 And it was when Adam decided
06:57 that he was more impressed with Eve
07:01 than with the standard of God
07:04 that he took the wrong turn and entered into sin.
07:08 Okay, okay.
07:10 So what you are saying is that we shouldn't just,
07:13 just look on the outward appearance
07:16 but there are some other things
07:17 that need to be considered as well, is that fair?
07:20 That's what I'm saying but I wanted to emphasize
07:22 the fact that it is not wrong to--
07:26 for an interest to begin with appearance.
07:29 Because at the end of the day
07:30 that's actually the only way that it can happen
07:34 because you don't have any knowledge
07:36 of this person and their character.
07:38 Well, maybe I can correct that.
07:40 Character cant sneak up on you,
07:42 you can be in a company of someone
07:43 not looking, not interested
07:45 but just by being in the environment
07:47 begin to pickup on things about them,
07:49 quality character things that can draw you to them.
07:54 Okay, you know I also want to say as well
07:56 maybe its just my mind as a thing as a pastor
07:58 but maybe it's important as well that
08:00 as the guy begins to look for that woman
08:03 that he spends time praying.
08:05 You know, if he's a Christian guy
08:06 maybe he should pray about you know,
08:07 God's leading in His direction so that you know God can place
08:12 you know, just like He did with Adam and Eve in the garden.
08:14 God will you place Eve right in front of Adam?
08:19 And we know that does not always happen like that but,
08:21 you know, I think prayer is a very important thing
08:24 which I think I kind of heard you say as well that--
08:26 yes, of course there's lucks and then there is also
08:29 this spiritual side of this, prayer as well.
08:30 All right. Yeah.
08:32 Dr. King, what do you think? What else?
08:33 You know I certainly agree with Brandon,
08:36 attractiveness is important.
08:38 You never want to marry someone that you are not attracted to.
08:42 Okay. There's got to be chemistry.
08:46 My mate must make me feel good when I look at her
08:51 and also must make me feel good about myself.
08:54 So I must feel like, well, I've got a deal.
08:56 Okay. Okay.
08:58 You know, kind of analogous to shopping for a car.
09:00 You know, you got to like the car before you begin
09:03 to fall in love with the different features.
09:06 And so I think it's critical that
09:08 that level of attractiveness be present.
09:11 However we need to remember that the things that attract us
09:15 are the very things that turn us away.
09:19 So, we got to be very, very careful
09:21 that there is a solid foundation
09:23 and Brandon is absolutely right it calls for a lot prayer.
09:27 Because if you base your choosing on attractiveness
09:33 what happens when the years come
09:35 and body parts don't quite work the way they should
09:41 then you begin to have second thoughts.
09:43 Another thing we want to keep in mind is that
09:46 males typically chose females
09:48 and they want them to remain the way they are
09:52 and females chose males,
09:55 knowing that they are gonna change them.
09:57 You know, I'm gonna fix that haircut or I'm gonna fix that,
10:00 I'm gonna fix that tie.
10:02 So we need to keep those things in mind also.
10:05 Okay. Okay.
10:06 You know, I fear that
10:08 you may have gotten us into a little trouble
10:10 because we have, for long time as men
10:13 been criticized for having love affairs with our cars.
10:20 Women will often say men,
10:23 he loves the car more than he does me.
10:27 I just hope that if there are women looking
10:30 and we know that they are some looking at we don't,
10:35 they don't get too offended by that analogy.
10:39 For all of the women who are watching,
10:40 I apologize for that analogy,
10:42 if I can take it back, I'd certainly will.
10:45 Well, my analogous are like moving cars.
10:47 Absolutely yes. Absolutely yes.
10:49 But we are saying that by all means that
10:51 we recognize the beauty inside of the woman
10:54 in the quality trace of--
10:55 Rather than just external beauty.
10:57 Absolutely, there's no doubt about that.
10:58 Here's the redeeming point
10:59 and I know that we all agree on it
11:01 so we'll be able to benefit from this redemption.
11:05 We talked about the fact that
11:08 a man should try to be the best man that he can be
11:12 even before he begins to look for a mate.
11:17 Because, you know, how can you--
11:19 how can you get into a relationship with someone
11:22 that is best fitted for you
11:24 and you are not all that you can be yet?
11:26 And one of the things, one of the qualifiers for that
11:30 is when we say, we want to be the best
11:33 we want to be or be a good man, we have to do that
11:35 from a perspective of what God calls good.
11:40 Because we don't know truly, you know,
11:43 in an absolute sense what is good.
11:46 We only know how we have been
11:49 and how we have responded to the things
11:50 up to this point in our lives.
11:52 And when you are embarking upon marriage
11:54 you get really go into something that you know not of,
11:58 that's going to deliver new challenges
12:01 and your sense of good could go right out of the window
12:04 when you're caught off guard.
12:07 But if you are trying to subscribe
12:09 to a higher sense of good, a divine sense of good
12:12 even when your very soul is challenged
12:15 you have something else you can reach to,
12:18 to help you remain in a high place
12:20 or in a good place in the relationship.
12:23 Okay, okay. That's good, that's good.
12:25 That's a question because we're used the word good,
12:28 I know its kind of relative a little bit
12:29 but if I use it again,
12:31 where does really a good woman come from?
12:33 You know, where does she come from?
12:36 This one threw it out there, you know,
12:38 the Bible kind of brings it on Proverbs 31, you know.
12:40 All these qualities of a woman,
12:42 you know, it just lines them all up
12:44 and it seems absolutely amazing.
12:47 And I think sometimes, you know, we as men
12:48 we are looking at even Proverbs 31, we say, wow,
12:50 you know, where is this woman?
12:51 You know, where can I find her, so to speak.
12:55 And Brandon, you just talked about
12:56 we have to be the best man that we can be
12:58 but where do we even go to look for this kind of woman,
13:01 you know, where does she even come from?
13:04 You know, I see my mother, you know, and by all means,
13:07 you know, praise God, you know
13:08 but I don't want to marry my mother.
13:10 You know, where does she come from, guys?
13:13 Well, I--
13:16 may be I'm stating the obvious but you don't get,
13:25 you don't get good things out of bad places. Okay.
13:29 So the first thing that I like to point out is that
13:32 you need to hang out in some good places.
13:35 You know, obviously the churches
13:38 are the quintessential good place
13:42 but even your peer group.
13:45 You need to have peers that subscribe to good concepts,
13:48 hold some ideals.
13:51 When these, when young people are in good places,
13:55 they are getting proper teaching from their parents.
14:00 They are being put in quality environments
14:02 that role character.
14:04 And so if that's where you hangout
14:07 then you're going to have
14:09 a greater chance of getting a person
14:11 that has good qualities, good moral fiber. Okay.
14:15 You know that's important because, you know,
14:16 as I think about, you know, some of the guys that I know
14:19 and some of the places that I know guys have found women,
14:24 sometimes it works out and sometimes it doesn't.
14:27 You know, for instance, you know,
14:28 I have some friends that have found their wife in the club.
14:32 You know, they have gone there, they saw, you know,
14:34 how she looked and they were just like, wow!
14:37 You know, and they just, they went for it,
14:39 they started dating or what not
14:40 but their foundation just wasn't strong
14:43 and then they ended up, you know,
14:45 they started splitting away, going away
14:47 because they still have these tendencies.
14:48 While one say, you know, well, you know,
14:50 I was kind of in the church
14:52 but I was still going to clubs type of things
14:54 and it just kind of didn't mesh or whatever.
14:56 So, I think it is important to look at that.
14:59 Doc, talk to me a little bit more about this--
15:01 this conscious versus subconscious thing,
15:03 you know,we talked about before where we make decisions
15:06 based of off our conscious or our subconscious.
15:10 Absolutely and just to tie that in with your previous question,
15:13 where do good women come from?
15:16 I mean, in addition to what Brandon said,
15:18 I believe good women and good men
15:20 come from good mentoring. Okay.
15:23 They come from good mothers and they come from good fathers
15:27 and they come from good peer groups
15:29 and they come from good associations.
15:34 It is possible to meet someone let's say in the club
15:40 and that person can turn out to be a very good helpmate
15:43 because remember,
15:44 there's lot of good people in bad places
15:47 and, you know, people make bad decisions and bad choices.
15:52 And so I think goodness, you know,
15:54 comes from several, several places.
15:57 I think there's a number of variables involves in that.
16:00 And so to answer the question about conscious and unconscious
16:05 what research is showing which is may be very simple
16:10 and almost self-explanatory is that
16:16 we tend to choose mates
16:18 who live within our circumference,
16:21 our area of roaming, so to speak
16:24 and the reason why we do that
16:26 is because of familiarity you know,
16:29 and frequency of association.
16:31 Because the more we associate with a person,
16:35 the more we get the opportunity to see what they are like.
16:39 The less we associate,
16:41 the less we get that opportunity.
16:43 So that is the conscious play at work. Okay.
16:47 But I also spoke about this unconscious force,
16:50 this "I really like this person but I don't know why?"
16:56 And that is critical to sort of recognize
17:00 to kind of cherish and to sort of explore.
17:03 So good women come from conscious places
17:06 but also from unconscious or subconscious places also.
17:10 Okay, okay.
17:11 Talk to me, guys, about delayed gratification.
17:15 Because, you know, there's so many stories you know,
17:18 of men meeting a woman and, you know,
17:21 they date for a month then the next thing you know,
17:23 the next month they are married.
17:25 There's biblical stories as well
17:27 where there is a guy sort of Samson
17:28 where the Bible says, Samson went down to Timnah
17:31 and he saw a woman and you know,
17:33 the next thing, you know, he is married,
17:34 you know, to this woman.
17:35 So there are other benefits to delayed gratification
17:38 or should we just, you know, run for it?
17:41 If you see it, go and get it.
17:42 You know, what do you all think?
17:44 Well, the Bible says,
17:46 "In all thy ways acknowledge Him,
17:47 and He will direct thy paths."
17:50 If He is doing the directing then
17:53 there's not a whole lot of movement
17:55 we should be doing ahead of the direction.
17:59 So now we are subject to God's timeline for direction
18:03 and sometimes God withholds direction.
18:08 He differs it because if He gave it to you right now
18:12 it wouldn't make sense, you wouldn't been followed.
18:15 So He just says, wait, because time passes
18:19 and things become clearer.
18:21 Things manifest themselves.
18:24 Issues and personalities start to come to the surface
18:27 and then when God gives the next direction
18:30 it makes a lot more sense, it's actually a blessing
18:34 that He has worked with our inability
18:36 to see things early on to do that.
18:39 So, delaying gratification is absolutely essential
18:44 to that type of partnership with God. Okay.
18:47 Working and being effective
18:49 in terms of getting you to the right person.
18:51 Okay, okay.
18:53 You know, just because this broadcast is global,
18:58 I want to bring sort of a cultural element
19:01 to this discussion also.
19:03 We live in the western hemisphere
19:06 where the focus more is on the individual,
19:10 me, I, myself.
19:12 You know, when I turn 21, 22, 23 or 19, I go off to college
19:17 then I get a degree, I get a job,
19:19 you know, I buy a condo and you know,
19:22 I live alone and I choose a mate.
19:24 That's the western hemisphere.
19:27 For instance in the east or the Middle East
19:30 or even in South America, the focus is more on family.
19:35 Meaning that I can be 18, 19, 20, 21,
19:39 and I'm still living with my parents.
19:42 So if I meet someone it is possible that
19:46 that person can become my mate
19:48 within a short period of time
19:51 because I have this support of my family.
19:55 When the children begin to come,
19:58 I don't have babysitting problems
20:01 because my family will provide babysitting services.
20:05 If a mother with job or we having problems,
20:07 there is family intervention.
20:10 So, I think we also need to recognize that
20:11 that cultural aspect of it
20:14 that something can happen very quickly
20:16 which may not be a bad thing.
20:18 Okay, Okay.
20:19 Let me ask you a question again,
20:20 as a clinical psychologist as well,
20:22 is there such thing as a love at first sight?
20:26 You know, there is a, there is instant chemistry.
20:30 We actually secrete chemicals
20:36 when we're in the presence of someone that we admire.
20:40 So, it is possible to walk into a church,
20:42 to walk into a building
20:44 and see someone for the first time
20:48 and you can begin to secrete those chemicals,
20:51 you may not know why, you may not understand why.
20:54 Animals experience that same phenomenon also
20:58 this secretion of this love hormones, love chemicals
21:02 and then of course you know
21:03 the relationships happens and so on and so forth.
21:06 Okay, so if you walk into a building and you see her,
21:09 you know, your palms will begin sweating.
21:12 Increase heart rate. Increase heart rate, yeah.
21:15 Dry throat. Okay.
21:17 You can't, you have word finding problems,
21:20 you are shaking.
21:21 Okay, okay. It is possible.
21:23 So that's what happened to me, Doc.
21:25 Yeah, you know, I was saying that as well.
21:27 Absolutely, yeah.
21:29 You just don't know what to say to her, you know,
21:30 you saw her but you're like, you know, my name is again,
21:35 trying to remember my name, yes, I got it and you are?
21:40 There is no doubt about that.
21:42 I think that's very true as well.
21:44 What about the background, you know,
21:45 again our topic is how to find a good wife?
21:49 You know, how important is taking, you know,
21:52 we said delayed gratification is extremely important
21:53 but what about going into her history as well?
21:56 You know, for instance
21:57 you know, checking out who her parents are?
21:59 You know, checking out you know, her background,
22:01 you know, what's going on in her life as well.
22:03 How important are those things?
22:05 Well, you know, you marry your wife's family.
22:09 Okay. Your wife marries your family.
22:14 Your children are gonna be their grandchildren.
22:17 In addition to that you know, we bring not just yourselves
22:23 but we bring our baggage to the relationship.
22:26 So, if I have problems with anger management,
22:30 if I have problems with depression,
22:34 poor self-esteem.
22:36 If I have certain biological problems, you know,
22:39 cancer runs in certain families,
22:42 diabetes, high blood pressure,
22:45 they all tend to run in certain families.
22:47 So, I think it is important to know
22:50 what it is that you are getting into
22:53 because marriage is supposed to be for keeps.
22:56 You know, it's not "I love you," today,
22:57 "I hate you," tomorrow."
22:59 When God instituted marriage, it was supposed to be forever.
23:04 And that's why I think you know we should be very alert,
23:08 very sober when we make those decisions.
23:12 That I think it's good, you know, as a pastor
23:15 there are so many times where--
23:16 especially with our young couples where--
23:20 again, is that delayed gratification
23:22 is often times not there, you know.
23:24 They just want to, you know, "I love you, you love me,
23:27 let's hook up," you know.
23:29 But again, I think it's so important
23:31 because we live in such a messed up world.
23:33 So as you know, so to speak, a sinful world that we live in
23:36 where we have to look at the background,
23:39 look at all these things, it take our time
23:41 to really make sure that we really want to invest
23:44 and this really is God's will for our lives as well.
23:48 I want to flip this script guys,
23:49 I want to flip this script in this regard.
23:51 You know, it's so easy to say, you know, men,
23:54 you know, we're looking for a woman
23:56 but I hear all the time a woman saying,
23:59 "it's so hard to find a good man."
24:03 I mean, no matter where you go, from place to places,
24:06 it's always a woman looking for a good man.
24:08 You know, we have about
24:09 4 minutes or so left in our broadcast,
24:11 kind of just talk about just for a second
24:14 where should the man be like so that he can meet that--
24:18 you know, they can mesh together?
24:19 So that woman starts looking for that man,
24:21 what needs to happen to that brother's life as well,
24:24 that man's life?
24:25 You know, that is a very good question
24:27 because women are more at a disadvantage.
24:30 You know, in the U.S.,
24:32 there are about a 42 million African-American women
24:35 who want to get married but they are still single.
24:39 And we have about 1.8 million women,
24:43 black women more than black men.
24:46 So, you know, with that disparity in mind,
24:49 it's a huge challenge for a sister
24:53 to find a good brother, especially within the church.
24:58 The problem becomes even more pronounced
25:02 and maybe Brandon can shed a light on that issue.
25:04 And fix it. Yeah.
25:08 You want me to produce some more good guys,
25:12 I've put, I got two in the world already
25:15 so they are pretty good guys but one is married
25:17 and the other is in a serious relationship
25:22 and but one of the things that I think that we need to do is,
25:26 we need to be very practical about who we are.
25:30 What does it really mean to be good?
25:31 Now if this woman is talking about getting married
25:36 so you need to understand the context of that
25:39 before you start saying, what it is to mean to be good.
25:41 Okay? Am I responsible?
25:44 I'm at the point of my life where I don't need
25:47 to keep changing my affections to the next newest thing.
25:52 Am I financially responsible? Am I prudent?
25:57 Or do I have three bankruptcies
25:59 and I'm trying to see if I can get
26:01 three more, you know, credit cards.
26:03 These are things that are
26:05 just not going to work in a martial situation,
26:09 they are gonna destroy the relationship.
26:12 As a matter of fact, bad finances
26:14 is in the top five of reasons why marriages fail.
26:20 So, you know, can I be selfless versus selfish?
26:28 You need two people being selfless.
26:30 Some men think,
26:32 well, if I am selfish is okay if she is selfless
26:35 because then I can do all the taking
26:37 and she can do all the giving and then it works
26:40 but that doesn't last very long.
26:41 As a matter of fact adultery is a selfish act
26:45 and she is not going to go for that.
26:47 So there are variety of things that we need to look at.
26:50 Am I going to be able to, like Dr. King said,
26:57 "engage with her parents, her family,"
27:00 and that's going to come with a variety of personalities
27:03 that don't naturally agree with you
27:06 but can you be bigger than those things.
27:09 These you know, you really have to start
27:11 come down to a practical list of things
27:13 that are absolutely fundamental to the institution of marriage.
27:18 Where are you on those items? Okay, okay.
27:21 You know, my friends, my brothers,
27:23 that are listening to me right now
27:24 as you being to look for that good wife
27:27 I'd pray that you would indeed be
27:28 that good man first and foremost
27:31 and that you will seek to line your will up
27:33 with the characteristics like being faithful,
27:35 being loving, being kind,
27:37 being the best person that you can be
27:39 and I believe that when you are what God wants you to be
27:42 He'll bring that person,
27:44 He'll bring your Eve into your own life
27:47 but first, start working on yourself
27:50 and God would do the rest.
27:52 Guys, this has been great.
27:54 but until next time we encourage you
27:56 to keep on tuning in as we have more practical
27:58 and exciting topics dealing from
28:01 a plethora of information around this table,
28:05 around this chair, this couches today.
28:08 God bless you, we look forward to next time.