Participants: Pr. William Lee (Host), Brandon Dent, Colin King PhD
Series Code: FGO
Program Code: FGO000014
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00:01 Hi, welcome to "For Guys Only,"
00:02 a program that's specifically designed 00:04 to meet the needs of the urban man. 00:06 I'm Pastor William Lee 00:08 and today we have a very exciting program for you today. 00:11 Today, our topic is how to find a good wife? 00:15 Stay tuned as we join right into our program. 00:30 All right gentlemen, it's so good to see 00:31 each one of you all here again today. 00:33 We are so excited about today's program. 00:36 I believe this is gonna be a blessing to our viewers 00:39 as we discuss how to find a good wife? 00:42 Moving forward again in today's topic, 00:43 just want to kind of introduce ourselves to our viewers today 00:46 so our viewers can understand who we are 00:48 and our perspective of what we bring to the table today. 00:50 So I'll start with you Brandon, 00:52 tell me a little about yourself. 00:54 Yes, my name is Brandon Dent 00:56 and I've been married now 27 years. 01:00 I have two grown sons and a daughter, 01:03 teenage daughter at home. 01:05 I'm a retired business executive 01:08 from the automotive industry 01:10 and I'm running my own marketing company. 01:13 All right, very good, very good. 01:14 Dr. King? Certainly. 01:15 My name is Colin King. 01:17 I have two teenagers, one a boy and one a girl. 01:21 I've been married for 21 years. 01:23 I'm from South America 01:25 and I've lived for sometime in North America 01:27 and in the Caribbean also. 01:29 I've been trained formerly as a clinical psychologist 01:33 and I'm really, really excited to be on this program today. 01:37 All right, all right, very good. 01:38 And I'm Pastor William Lee. 01:40 I've been married now for eight years, 01:42 I have two boys, 6 years old as well as a 18 month old 01:47 and I'm just excited for what God is gonna do 01:49 as we begin to discuss today's topic. 01:51 So, kind of just want to have word of prayer 01:53 and then we're gonna jump 01:54 right into our discussions today. 01:56 So let's bow our heads for a prayer now. 01:58 God, we are so thankful that 01:59 You have allowed us to be here once again today 02:02 and God, we just pray for your richest blessing 02:04 as we discuss this topic. 02:06 I pray God, that You'll bless the viewers. 02:08 May we align all of our wills with Your will for our lives. 02:11 For we pray it in Jesus' name. Amen. 02:14 Amen. 02:15 Let's kind of get a-- just to start off 02:17 with a biblical foundation first. 02:18 We always want to go to the Bible 02:20 to see what a God has to say 02:22 about any topic that we discuss. 02:23 So, as we discuss how to find a good wife, 02:26 there's an amazing text in Proverbs 18:22, 02:30 where the Bible says "Whoever finds a wife finds a good thing 02:35 and obtains the favor of the Lord." 02:38 Whoever finds a good wife 02:40 the Bible says finds a good thing 02:42 and you have got favor in your life 02:44 when you find that woman. 02:45 Now, let's kind of just you know, 02:47 break it down a little bit. 02:49 Now the reality is that when guys look for a woman, 02:52 look for a wife, 02:54 I mean, there has to be some type of conscious decision 02:57 as well as even maybe subconscious decisions 03:01 that we make as men as we're looking and paraousing 03:03 perusing the scene, 03:05 trying to find you know, just that one for us. 03:07 So, kind of you know, break the ice for us. 03:10 Are there conscious as well as subconscious things 03:13 that guys look for in a wife? 03:16 You know, even before I answer that very provocative question, 03:19 someone sent this to me. 03:22 I think a couple of weeks ago, talking about God. 03:25 And God said to a man, 03:27 "I'm gonna find you the prefect woman, 03:32 someone who can wash and clean and cook and bear your children 03:36 and look good and sexy, the perfect woman for you. 03:40 And I'm gonna place that person 03:43 or I'm gonna give you four choices. 03:45 I'm gonna place one woman 03:47 on all four corners of the earth." 03:50 Sounds like a deal, right? All right. 03:52 And then God made the world round 03:55 and He laughed and He laughed and He laughed. 03:58 Okay. 03:59 So the point is, I don't know that 04:01 there is any such thing as a perfect person. 04:04 However we tend to look for the ideal mate 04:07 and you know we are generally driven 04:10 by conscious forces and sub-conscious forces. 04:14 Conscious forces like, you know, height, weight, size, 04:19 education, attractiveness, the way how the person dresses. 04:25 So those are the conscious things that we look at. 04:28 There are also unconscious forces at work 04:32 and as a matter of fact, a professor at Scotland, 04:36 he did an experiment just to-- 04:37 just to make this very poignant point to his students. 04:41 He got a group of males and what he did, 04:43 he took their pictures 04:45 and he morphed their faces onto females. 04:49 So they really couldn't recognize their face. 04:53 And then he told them to choose a mate 04:56 and amazingly most of them chose a person 05:01 with a face that resembled theirs. 05:05 So the point that he wanted to make that 05:08 there's a lot of unconscious forces working 05:11 or I should say subconscious forces 05:13 working behind the scenes 05:14 that we don't realize and recognize. Okay. 05:17 And a lot of times we go for the familiar 05:20 without even realizing that's what we are doing 05:23 and that's why, you know, 05:25 we are told that guys marry their mothers 05:28 and girls marry their fathers 05:30 because they see them all the time, 05:32 they are familiar faces. 05:33 So, those are some of the unconscious drive 05:36 or subconscious drive that we need to be aware of 05:39 and the problem, problems begin to surface 05:43 when the conscious drive 05:45 outweigh the subconscious drives. 05:47 Wow! Okay that's very interesting. 05:50 Now as a guy now you know, as I begin to think about, 05:53 you know, you now guys are watching us right now. 05:56 There, I mean, there are guys, we are prone to look at a woman 06:00 and it's really, to begin with 06:02 it's all about her looks, you know. 06:04 What does she look like and then once we know, 06:07 once we see what she looks like 06:08 then we start going a little bit deeper. 06:10 Is there a problem starting, you know, with the conscious 06:13 or where should we really start really, 06:17 as it begins to looking for a good wife? 06:20 Well, I think it is natural to be drawn to beauty. 06:27 Okay. I think God made it that way. 06:32 He made Adam and Eve beautiful beings 06:38 but what supposed to happen was 06:42 our affection and our dedication 06:45 to that element was always to be 06:49 under the structure of divine guidance. Okay. 06:53 And it was when Adam decided 06:57 that he was more impressed with Eve 07:01 than with the standard of God 07:04 that he took the wrong turn and entered into sin. 07:08 Okay, okay. 07:10 So what you are saying is that we shouldn't just, 07:13 just look on the outward appearance 07:16 but there are some other things 07:17 that need to be considered as well, is that fair? 07:20 That's what I'm saying but I wanted to emphasize 07:22 the fact that it is not wrong to-- 07:26 for an interest to begin with appearance. 07:29 Because at the end of the day 07:30 that's actually the only way that it can happen 07:34 because you don't have any knowledge 07:36 of this person and their character. 07:38 Well, maybe I can correct that. 07:40 Character cant sneak up on you, 07:42 you can be in a company of someone 07:43 not looking, not interested 07:45 but just by being in the environment 07:47 begin to pickup on things about them, 07:49 quality character things that can draw you to them. 07:54 Okay, you know I also want to say as well 07:56 maybe its just my mind as a thing as a pastor 07:58 but maybe it's important as well that 08:00 as the guy begins to look for that woman 08:03 that he spends time praying. 08:05 You know, if he's a Christian guy 08:06 maybe he should pray about you know, 08:07 God's leading in His direction so that you know God can place 08:12 you know, just like He did with Adam and Eve in the garden. 08:14 God will you place Eve right in front of Adam? 08:19 And we know that does not always happen like that but, 08:21 you know, I think prayer is a very important thing 08:24 which I think I kind of heard you say as well that-- 08:26 yes, of course there's lucks and then there is also 08:29 this spiritual side of this, prayer as well. 08:30 All right. Yeah. 08:32 Dr. King, what do you think? What else? 08:33 You know I certainly agree with Brandon, 08:36 attractiveness is important. 08:38 You never want to marry someone that you are not attracted to. 08:42 Okay. There's got to be chemistry. 08:46 My mate must make me feel good when I look at her 08:51 and also must make me feel good about myself. 08:54 So I must feel like, well, I've got a deal. 08:56 Okay. Okay. 08:58 You know, kind of analogous to shopping for a car. 09:00 You know, you got to like the car before you begin 09:03 to fall in love with the different features. 09:06 And so I think it's critical that 09:08 that level of attractiveness be present. 09:11 However we need to remember that the things that attract us 09:15 are the very things that turn us away. 09:19 So, we got to be very, very careful 09:21 that there is a solid foundation 09:23 and Brandon is absolutely right it calls for a lot prayer. 09:27 Because if you base your choosing on attractiveness 09:33 what happens when the years come 09:35 and body parts don't quite work the way they should 09:41 then you begin to have second thoughts. 09:43 Another thing we want to keep in mind is that 09:46 males typically chose females 09:48 and they want them to remain the way they are 09:52 and females chose males, 09:55 knowing that they are gonna change them. 09:57 You know, I'm gonna fix that haircut or I'm gonna fix that, 10:00 I'm gonna fix that tie. 10:02 So we need to keep those things in mind also. 10:05 Okay. Okay. 10:06 You know, I fear that 10:08 you may have gotten us into a little trouble 10:10 because we have, for long time as men 10:13 been criticized for having love affairs with our cars. 10:20 Women will often say men, 10:23 he loves the car more than he does me. 10:27 I just hope that if there are women looking 10:30 and we know that they are some looking at we don't, 10:35 they don't get too offended by that analogy. 10:39 For all of the women who are watching, 10:40 I apologize for that analogy, 10:42 if I can take it back, I'd certainly will. 10:45 Well, my analogous are like moving cars. 10:47 Absolutely yes. Absolutely yes. 10:49 But we are saying that by all means that 10:51 we recognize the beauty inside of the woman 10:54 in the quality trace of-- 10:55 Rather than just external beauty. 10:57 Absolutely, there's no doubt about that. 10:58 Here's the redeeming point 10:59 and I know that we all agree on it 11:01 so we'll be able to benefit from this redemption. 11:05 We talked about the fact that 11:08 a man should try to be the best man that he can be 11:12 even before he begins to look for a mate. 11:17 Because, you know, how can you-- 11:19 how can you get into a relationship with someone 11:22 that is best fitted for you 11:24 and you are not all that you can be yet? 11:26 And one of the things, one of the qualifiers for that 11:30 is when we say, we want to be the best 11:33 we want to be or be a good man, we have to do that 11:35 from a perspective of what God calls good. 11:38 Okay. 11:40 Because we don't know truly, you know, 11:43 in an absolute sense what is good. 11:46 We only know how we have been 11:49 and how we have responded to the things 11:50 up to this point in our lives. 11:52 And when you are embarking upon marriage 11:54 you get really go into something that you know not of, 11:58 that's going to deliver new challenges 12:01 and your sense of good could go right out of the window 12:04 when you're caught off guard. 12:07 But if you are trying to subscribe 12:09 to a higher sense of good, a divine sense of good 12:12 even when your very soul is challenged 12:15 you have something else you can reach to, 12:18 to help you remain in a high place 12:20 or in a good place in the relationship. 12:23 Okay, okay. That's good, that's good. 12:25 That's a question because we're used the word good, 12:28 I know its kind of relative a little bit 12:29 but if I use it again, 12:31 where does really a good woman come from? 12:33 You know, where does she come from? 12:36 This one threw it out there, you know, 12:38 the Bible kind of brings it on Proverbs 31, you know. 12:40 All these qualities of a woman, 12:42 you know, it just lines them all up 12:44 and it seems absolutely amazing. 12:47 And I think sometimes, you know, we as men 12:48 we are looking at even Proverbs 31, we say, wow, 12:50 you know, where is this woman? 12:51 You know, where can I find her, so to speak. 12:55 And Brandon, you just talked about 12:56 we have to be the best man that we can be 12:58 but where do we even go to look for this kind of woman, 13:01 you know, where does she even come from? 13:04 You know, I see my mother, you know, and by all means, 13:07 you know, praise God, you know 13:08 but I don't want to marry my mother. 13:10 You know, where does she come from, guys? 13:13 Well, I-- 13:16 may be I'm stating the obvious but you don't get, 13:25 you don't get good things out of bad places. Okay. 13:29 So the first thing that I like to point out is that 13:32 you need to hang out in some good places. 13:35 You know, obviously the churches 13:38 are the quintessential good place 13:42 but even your peer group. 13:45 You need to have peers that subscribe to good concepts, 13:48 hold some ideals. 13:51 When these, when young people are in good places, 13:55 they are getting proper teaching from their parents. 14:00 They are being put in quality environments 14:02 that role character. 14:04 And so if that's where you hangout 14:07 then you're going to have 14:09 a greater chance of getting a person 14:11 that has good qualities, good moral fiber. Okay. 14:15 You know that's important because, you know, 14:16 as I think about, you know, some of the guys that I know 14:19 and some of the places that I know guys have found women, 14:24 sometimes it works out and sometimes it doesn't. 14:27 You know, for instance, you know, 14:28 I have some friends that have found their wife in the club. 14:32 You know, they have gone there, they saw, you know, 14:34 how she looked and they were just like, wow! 14:37 You know, and they just, they went for it, 14:39 they started dating or what not 14:40 but their foundation just wasn't strong 14:43 and then they ended up, you know, 14:45 they started splitting away, going away 14:47 because they still have these tendencies. 14:48 While one say, you know, well, you know, 14:50 I was kind of in the church 14:52 but I was still going to clubs type of things 14:54 and it just kind of didn't mesh or whatever. 14:56 So, I think it is important to look at that. 14:59 Doc, talk to me a little bit more about this-- 15:01 this conscious versus subconscious thing, 15:03 you know,we talked about before where we make decisions 15:06 based of off our conscious or our subconscious. 15:10 Absolutely and just to tie that in with your previous question, 15:13 where do good women come from? 15:16 I mean, in addition to what Brandon said, 15:18 I believe good women and good men 15:20 come from good mentoring. Okay. 15:23 They come from good mothers and they come from good fathers 15:27 and they come from good peer groups 15:29 and they come from good associations. 15:34 It is possible to meet someone let's say in the club 15:40 and that person can turn out to be a very good helpmate 15:43 because remember, 15:44 there's lot of good people in bad places 15:47 and, you know, people make bad decisions and bad choices. 15:52 And so I think goodness, you know, 15:54 comes from several, several places. 15:57 I think there's a number of variables involves in that. 16:00 And so to answer the question about conscious and unconscious 16:05 what research is showing which is may be very simple 16:10 and almost self-explanatory is that 16:16 we tend to choose mates 16:18 who live within our circumference, 16:21 our area of roaming, so to speak 16:24 and the reason why we do that 16:26 is because of familiarity you know, 16:29 and frequency of association. 16:31 Because the more we associate with a person, 16:35 the more we get the opportunity to see what they are like. 16:39 The less we associate, 16:41 the less we get that opportunity. 16:43 So that is the conscious play at work. Okay. 16:47 But I also spoke about this unconscious force, 16:50 this "I really like this person but I don't know why?" 16:56 And that is critical to sort of recognize 17:00 to kind of cherish and to sort of explore. 17:03 So good women come from conscious places 17:06 but also from unconscious or subconscious places also. 17:10 Okay, okay. 17:11 Talk to me, guys, about delayed gratification. 17:15 Because, you know, there's so many stories you know, 17:18 of men meeting a woman and, you know, 17:21 they date for a month then the next thing you know, 17:23 the next month they are married. 17:25 There's biblical stories as well 17:27 where there is a guy sort of Samson 17:28 where the Bible says, Samson went down to Timnah 17:31 and he saw a woman and you know, 17:33 the next thing, you know, he is married, 17:34 you know, to this woman. 17:35 So there are other benefits to delayed gratification 17:38 or should we just, you know, run for it? 17:41 If you see it, go and get it. 17:42 You know, what do you all think? 17:44 Well, the Bible says, 17:46 "In all thy ways acknowledge Him, 17:47 and He will direct thy paths." 17:50 If He is doing the directing then 17:53 there's not a whole lot of movement 17:55 we should be doing ahead of the direction. 17:59 So now we are subject to God's timeline for direction 18:03 and sometimes God withholds direction. 18:08 He differs it because if He gave it to you right now 18:12 it wouldn't make sense, you wouldn't been followed. 18:15 So He just says, wait, because time passes 18:19 and things become clearer. 18:21 Things manifest themselves. 18:24 Issues and personalities start to come to the surface 18:27 and then when God gives the next direction 18:30 it makes a lot more sense, it's actually a blessing 18:34 that He has worked with our inability 18:36 to see things early on to do that. 18:39 So, delaying gratification is absolutely essential 18:44 to that type of partnership with God. Okay. 18:47 Working and being effective 18:49 in terms of getting you to the right person. 18:51 Okay, okay. 18:53 You know, just because this broadcast is global, 18:58 I want to bring sort of a cultural element 19:01 to this discussion also. 19:03 We live in the western hemisphere 19:06 where the focus more is on the individual, 19:10 me, I, myself. 19:12 You know, when I turn 21, 22, 23 or 19, I go off to college 19:17 then I get a degree, I get a job, 19:19 you know, I buy a condo and you know, 19:22 I live alone and I choose a mate. 19:24 That's the western hemisphere. 19:27 For instance in the east or the Middle East 19:30 or even in South America, the focus is more on family. 19:35 Meaning that I can be 18, 19, 20, 21, 19:39 and I'm still living with my parents. 19:42 So if I meet someone it is possible that 19:46 that person can become my mate 19:48 within a short period of time 19:51 because I have this support of my family. 19:55 When the children begin to come, 19:58 I don't have babysitting problems 20:01 because my family will provide babysitting services. 20:05 If a mother with job or we having problems, 20:07 there is family intervention. 20:10 So, I think we also need to recognize that 20:11 that cultural aspect of it 20:14 that something can happen very quickly 20:16 which may not be a bad thing. 20:18 Okay, Okay. 20:19 Let me ask you a question again, 20:20 as a clinical psychologist as well, 20:22 is there such thing as a love at first sight? 20:26 You know, there is a, there is instant chemistry. 20:29 Okay. 20:30 We actually secrete chemicals 20:36 when we're in the presence of someone that we admire. 20:40 So, it is possible to walk into a church, 20:42 to walk into a building 20:44 and see someone for the first time 20:48 and you can begin to secrete those chemicals, 20:51 you may not know why, you may not understand why. 20:54 Animals experience that same phenomenon also 20:58 this secretion of this love hormones, love chemicals 21:02 and then of course you know 21:03 the relationships happens and so on and so forth. 21:06 Okay, so if you walk into a building and you see her, 21:09 you know, your palms will begin sweating. 21:12 Increase heart rate. Increase heart rate, yeah. 21:15 Dry throat. Okay. 21:17 You can't, you have word finding problems, 21:20 you are shaking. 21:21 Okay, okay. It is possible. 21:23 So that's what happened to me, Doc. 21:25 Yeah, you know, I was saying that as well. 21:27 Absolutely, yeah. 21:29 You just don't know what to say to her, you know, 21:30 you saw her but you're like, you know, my name is again, 21:35 trying to remember my name, yes, I got it and you are? 21:40 There is no doubt about that. 21:42 I think that's very true as well. 21:44 What about the background, you know, 21:45 again our topic is how to find a good wife? 21:49 You know, how important is taking, you know, 21:52 we said delayed gratification is extremely important 21:53 but what about going into her history as well? 21:56 You know, for instance 21:57 you know, checking out who her parents are? 21:59 You know, checking out you know, her background, 22:01 you know, what's going on in her life as well. 22:03 How important are those things? 22:05 Well, you know, you marry your wife's family. 22:09 Okay. Your wife marries your family. 22:14 Your children are gonna be their grandchildren. 22:17 In addition to that you know, we bring not just yourselves 22:23 but we bring our baggage to the relationship. 22:26 So, if I have problems with anger management, 22:30 if I have problems with depression, 22:34 poor self-esteem. 22:36 If I have certain biological problems, you know, 22:39 cancer runs in certain families, 22:42 diabetes, high blood pressure, 22:45 they all tend to run in certain families. 22:47 So, I think it is important to know 22:50 what it is that you are getting into 22:53 because marriage is supposed to be for keeps. 22:56 You know, it's not "I love you," today, 22:57 "I hate you," tomorrow." 22:59 When God instituted marriage, it was supposed to be forever. 23:03 Right. 23:04 And that's why I think you know we should be very alert, 23:08 very sober when we make those decisions. 23:12 That I think it's good, you know, as a pastor 23:15 there are so many times where-- 23:16 especially with our young couples where-- 23:20 again, is that delayed gratification 23:22 is often times not there, you know. 23:24 They just want to, you know, "I love you, you love me, 23:27 let's hook up," you know. 23:29 But again, I think it's so important 23:31 because we live in such a messed up world. 23:33 So as you know, so to speak, a sinful world that we live in 23:36 where we have to look at the background, 23:39 look at all these things, it take our time 23:41 to really make sure that we really want to invest 23:44 and this really is God's will for our lives as well. 23:48 I want to flip this script guys, 23:49 I want to flip this script in this regard. 23:51 You know, it's so easy to say, you know, men, 23:54 you know, we're looking for a woman 23:56 but I hear all the time a woman saying, 23:59 "it's so hard to find a good man." 24:03 I mean, no matter where you go, from place to places, 24:06 it's always a woman looking for a good man. 24:08 You know, we have about 24:09 4 minutes or so left in our broadcast, 24:11 kind of just talk about just for a second 24:14 where should the man be like so that he can meet that-- 24:18 you know, they can mesh together? 24:19 So that woman starts looking for that man, 24:21 what needs to happen to that brother's life as well, 24:24 that man's life? 24:25 You know, that is a very good question 24:27 because women are more at a disadvantage. 24:30 You know, in the U.S., 24:32 there are about a 42 million African-American women 24:35 who want to get married but they are still single. 24:39 And we have about 1.8 million women, 24:43 black women more than black men. 24:46 So, you know, with that disparity in mind, 24:49 it's a huge challenge for a sister 24:53 to find a good brother, especially within the church. 24:58 The problem becomes even more pronounced 25:02 and maybe Brandon can shed a light on that issue. 25:04 And fix it. Yeah. 25:08 You want me to produce some more good guys, 25:12 I've put, I got two in the world already 25:15 so they are pretty good guys but one is married 25:17 and the other is in a serious relationship 25:22 and but one of the things that I think that we need to do is, 25:26 we need to be very practical about who we are. 25:30 What does it really mean to be good? 25:31 Now if this woman is talking about getting married 25:36 so you need to understand the context of that 25:39 before you start saying, what it is to mean to be good. 25:41 Okay? Am I responsible? 25:44 I'm at the point of my life where I don't need 25:47 to keep changing my affections to the next newest thing. 25:52 Am I financially responsible? Am I prudent? 25:57 Or do I have three bankruptcies 25:59 and I'm trying to see if I can get 26:01 three more, you know, credit cards. 26:03 These are things that are 26:05 just not going to work in a martial situation, 26:09 they are gonna destroy the relationship. 26:12 As a matter of fact, bad finances 26:14 is in the top five of reasons why marriages fail. 26:20 So, you know, can I be selfless versus selfish? 26:28 You need two people being selfless. 26:30 Some men think, 26:32 well, if I am selfish is okay if she is selfless 26:35 because then I can do all the taking 26:37 and she can do all the giving and then it works 26:40 but that doesn't last very long. 26:41 As a matter of fact adultery is a selfish act 26:45 and she is not going to go for that. 26:47 So there are variety of things that we need to look at. 26:50 Am I going to be able to, like Dr. King said, 26:57 "engage with her parents, her family," 27:00 and that's going to come with a variety of personalities 27:03 that don't naturally agree with you 27:06 but can you be bigger than those things. 27:09 These you know, you really have to start 27:11 come down to a practical list of things 27:13 that are absolutely fundamental to the institution of marriage. 27:18 Where are you on those items? Okay, okay. 27:21 You know, my friends, my brothers, 27:23 that are listening to me right now 27:24 as you being to look for that good wife 27:27 I'd pray that you would indeed be 27:28 that good man first and foremost 27:31 and that you will seek to line your will up 27:33 with the characteristics like being faithful, 27:35 being loving, being kind, 27:37 being the best person that you can be 27:39 and I believe that when you are what God wants you to be 27:42 He'll bring that person, 27:44 He'll bring your Eve into your own life 27:47 but first, start working on yourself 27:50 and God would do the rest. 27:52 Guys, this has been great. 27:54 but until next time we encourage you 27:56 to keep on tuning in as we have more practical 27:58 and exciting topics dealing from 28:01 a plethora of information around this table, 28:05 around this chair, this couches today. 28:08 God bless you, we look forward to next time. |
Revised 2016-03-15