Participants: Skip MacCarty, Don Mackintosh
Series Code: HFAL
Program Code: HFAL000103
|
00:47 Hello and welcome to Health for a Lifetime.
00:49 We're glad that you have joined us. 00:50 Today we're going to be talking about stress and relationships. 00:54 Actually, how relationships relates to lessoning our stress. 00:58 Joining us is Dr. Skip MacCarty. 01:00 I understand that you are a fellow of the American Academy 01:04 or International Academy. 01:06 American Institute of Stress. 01:08 You've done major presentations for that 01:11 organization. 01:12 You were the opening speaker for one of their international 01:15 congresses in the year 2000. 01:16 We're glad that you are with us today. 01:20 We're going to talk today about relationships and stress. 01:22 I think one of the ways that you organize this whole concept 01:25 of stress is by using what you call a "stress tank," 01:27 is that right? 01:28 Stress tank model came out of Australia, but I reconfigured 01:33 it based on my research. 01:34 What you have in the stress tank is... 01:36 you think of your life as a tank and you have stressors being 01:39 poured into your life we're subjected to stressors 01:41 every single day. 01:43 If it get's too much stress or actually even too little stress 01:46 it leads to what we call distress or overload which is 01:48 harmful and can lead to physical harm or illness. 01:52 60-90% of all visits to physicians are estimated to be 01:59 stress related, etc. 02:00 Fortunately there's a pressure relief valve on this stress tank 02:03 that can drain our stress levels to safe levels. 02:06 There's also ways to close that pressure relief valve. 02:10 But people think they are helping themselves with 02:12 alcohol, tobacco, etc. and really it actually closes 02:17 the pressure relief valve. 02:18 It allows long term stress to build to an unsafe level. 02:21 There's ways we can create a larger tank size to handle 02:24 any more stress at one time. 02:26 In my 12 hour seminar I actually unpack that entire model. 02:29 OK, but there are 7 keys in your seminar that actually help 02:32 with managing stress. 02:34 7 keys to managing stress, that's correct. 02:36 And one of those keys, a very important one, 02:38 is neighborly love, it's developing loyal friendships 02:41 and loving relationships. 02:43 Prayer, relaxation, exercise, viewpoint, eating healthy, and 02:46 we're going to talk about neighborly love this time. 02:48 Yes. 02:49 Where would that be hierarchically 02:52 in your overview of it? 02:54 I've developed a stress pyramid and the 02:58 stress pyramid shows that the things at the bottom are the 03:02 least scientifically established related to stress, 03:05 not that they are unimportant they are all very important. 03:07 Goes in importance to the top. 03:10 See where loving relationships is right up there. 03:14 It is right up there next to the top, loving relationships. 03:18 That's exactly, very, very important in terms of 03:21 stress resources. 03:22 Let's then focus in on that. 03:23 How important are loving relationships 03:26 in terms of managing stress? 03:28 Let me tell you what stress does to relationships 03:31 first of all. 03:32 I can illustrate that by a story. 03:34 We're all aware that stress can put strain on relationships. 03:39 Do you remember the story of Baby Jessica? 03:43 Sure, the little girl that was locked under ground. 03:45 That's another Jessica. 03:47 This is one that was born in Iowa to Dan and Cara Schmidt. 03:56 They weren't married at the time. 03:57 They subsequently got married but she was an unwed mother 04:02 and two days after the baby was born, 04:06 a little girl, she gave her up to adoption. 04:10 Jan and Roberta Debore of Michigan, got legal custody 04:18 of this little baby. 04:25 When they got legal custody actually after the legal time 04:29 had passed when Cara Schmidt could ask for the baby back. 04:32 So then she wanted her back. 04:34 That's right, but that getting ahead of the story. 04:38 So Jan and Roberta Debore got the child, got legal custody, 04:42 for the adoptive parents of this little baby 04:44 Then several weeks later after the statue of limitations 04:48 ran out when Cara Schmidt could ask for her back 04:50 she wanted the baby back. 04:52 So that legal process went all the way up to 04:55 Iowa Supreme Court and I believe the U.S. Supreme Court. 04:59 As a result of that 2.5 years of legal battle was taking place, 05:05 as a result the child went back to Cara Schmidt. 05:08 She subsequently had married the father. 05:11 Dan and Cara Schmidt got her back with a tremendous blow to 05:14 Jan and Roberta Debore that had raised that child for 2.5 years. 05:17 A new law was written in several states relative to that. 05:21 They gave longer periods of time for a mother to make a decision, 05:25 birth parents to make a decision to get their child back. 05:29 But what many people don't recognize is the subset, 05:31 sequel to that story. 05:33 I've got the newspaper article here that tells about after 05:39 17 years of marriage Jan and Roberta Debore 05:42 who lost this child in that custody battle, 05:45 after 2.5 years of raising her, they filed for a divorce. 05:51 What they said in their special release, "The strain of their 05:55 protracted custody battle with Jessica's birth parents, 05:57 Dan and Cara Schmidt, of Iowa, was more than their marriage 05:59 could withstand. " 06:01 Not only that, this article points out that during that 06:04 same week, Dan and Cara Schmidt, filed for a divorce, saying the 06:08 same thing the strain of the custody battle. 06:09 This is the birth parents that filed for a divorce. 06:12 Now we've known for some time that a family that looses 06:16 a little child in death has all kind of stress and usually 06:21 the relationship breaks up it is much more prone to break up, 06:26 to not make it, because of that stress. 06:28 Stress puts tremendous pressure on relationships. 06:32 When there's high stress in my life, 06:33 it puts pressure on my family if I don't learn how to handle it. 06:39 Stress management is so important, so vitally important. 06:43 In the context of relationships. 06:45 There's some research done by a professor at UCLA. 06:49 He is actually the dean of the School of Public Health 06:53 at UCLA, Lester Breslow. 06:56 He did research in Alameto county, California 07:00 He took 7,000 people and he was given a research grant 07:05 by the state Department of Health in CA. 07:18 The result of that study showed 07:20 that the healthiest life based on these habits: 07:40 That is the healthiest lifestyle 07:43 In this next graph it shows the stair step affect: 07:47 This is the rate that people die during that 9 year 07:51 period of time. 07:52 Those who practice 3 or less of those health habits 07:58 20% is the rate of death of those who practice only 3 08:04 or less of those health habits. 08:06 The more of those health habits you practice 08:08 the longer you live. 08:12 The death rate was 4 times higher for 08:21 people who practiced 3 or less of those health habits 08:29 as compared to those who practiced all 7. 08:31 Every one you added to your life your life expectancy increased. 08:35 Was one of those relationships? 08:37 What happened, it's very interesting because there was 08:40 a student at University of Berkley, by the name of 08:43 Lisa Burkman, she eventually became a professor at Harford. 08:46 She did a piggy-back study on this. 08:49 She was doing a study on relationships in health. 08:51 She studied with that same 7,000 people. 08:56 She studied how long people would live 08:58 relative to close relationships. 09:00 The results are shown on this graph: 09:05 It showed the ages that were 09:07 studied at the bottom of the 09:09 graph and then it shows in blue 09:11 was the people who had the 09:12 least social connections. 09:14 In the different age groups 09:16 by-in-large they die of a 3 times higher rate during 09:20 that 9 year period of study if they had fewer social 09:23 connections as opposed to those who had the 09:25 most social connections. 09:26 So these social connections are just vital. 09:28 Absolutely vital for stress management and for longevity, 09:31 absolutely vital. 09:32 Now, the next graph shows: 09:35 as a result of this research they also studied another 09:42 8 years beyond that 9 year period of time. 09:45 This is what most people, many people have heard about that 09:48 previous research, but they studied another 8 years so they 09:51 had 17 years total they were studying these 7,000 people. 09:54 The healthiest were those who had lived by all 7 of those 09:57 health habits and had close social ties. 10:02 The next graph is a stunning result: 10:21 That just goes to show that you can be about as healthy 10:23 as you want, but if you don't have any close friends 10:26 it's not going to work. 10:27 Exactly, and that kind of research has lead Dean Ornish, 10:30 who is the researcher who was dealing with just 10:34 diet and heart disease to make this comment: 10:51 That is a powerful statement. 10:52 Absolutely! 10:53 It just goes to show that the researchers today 10:58 are recognizing the vital importance of close 11:03 relationships, healthy relationships, 11:05 loving relationships. 11:06 It's not what you know, it's really who you know, who you're 11:11 in contact with. 11:12 It's not what you know, what you do, but who you know. 11:14 It doesn't mean that the health habits for a healthy life 11:18 are not important they are important but it shows 11:20 that even in a relative balance... many people think 11:23 that because they are exercising, because they're 11:25 not eating high cholesterol foods, they're doing the best 11:29 they can for their health. 11:30 If you only can choose one or the other, 11:32 you want good, healthy, close relationships. 11:35 But better yet do it all together. 11:37 I've met some people that want to be so healthy that they 11:39 will mess-up relationships because they say, "Look 11:42 you're not letting me be healthy. " 11:44 But that's really as, in fact, more important than 11:48 the behavior they want to accomplish. 11:50 And that in fact is a Biblical principle. 11:52 You have evidence in the Bible that people 11:53 are more important than food. 11:55 The kingdom of God which is relationships, 11:59 building relationships for eternity. 12:02 It is not a matter of food and drink. 12:05 Talking about that, I appreciate the balanced 12:09 approach and how those two fit together. 12:12 Both of them are important but look, the top of the pyramid 12:15 in a sense, as you said, is these loving relationships. 12:19 How many close social relationships do I need to have? 12:23 That's a very good question. 12:25 There's research done by Dr. John Powel on this subject. 12:30 He had 5 levels of communication which other researchers have 12:37 helped me realize our levels of relationship. 12:39 We start with a stranger level which we have many people 12:42 involved in our lives at the stranger level. 12:43 The Acquaintance level where it a little bit more of a 12:47 relationship established there. I could be walking down the 12:52 food isle at a food market and just nod at people walking 12:56 by and that's stranger, if I happen to mention to somebody 13:00 a stranger, this cereal was 25 cents lower last week 13:09 then it is an acquaintance level You can't say that to thousands 13:12 of people but you can to a few people, fewer at least than the 13:15 stranger level. 13:17 Then you get to the casual level and at every step you go up 13:20 there is fewer people you tend to talk to at this level, but I 13:23 can go through the line. The check out person is the 13:26 same person you go to each time, that's casual. 13:28 You may say to the check-out lady or man. 13:32 You may say something like I think there is a conspiracy 13:35 going on, I noticed the same prices were going up in other 13:38 stores like the gas stations. It's like a conspiracy, 13:40 it is now you are getting a little bit deeper in your 13:43 relationships there. 13:44 Then you get where you are sharing safe feelings 13:47 and emotions at that level. 13:48 Then you go up to the next level and you have close 13:52 relationships, here you are revealing more of yourself. 13:55 You hop in the car with the person that came to the store 13:58 with you and you are saying something like, one of the 14:01 things that concerns me that the prices are rising like they 14:04 are is because my pay check seems to be shrinking and I 14:06 can see the day coming when I actually will not have the 14:09 money to be able to get basic things. 14:10 You are sharing more intimate thing with them, but not closely 14:15 The interesting thing is that research shows at that level 14:19 many people don't have any more than 12-15 people at any one 14:23 time, even in their lifetime to share with at that level. 14:27 So there is top 12, top 15. That's right 12-15 people at 14:31 that level. 14:32 We have one more level. Okay intimate. 14:34 What would you categorize me and you are not going to hurt 14:38 my feelings, am I a stranger and acquaintance? 14:40 Well, with you Don, I think when we are together 14:43 would be right up there at the top level 14:46 I appreciate that, no pressure at all! 14:49 Then there is that top level, intimate where you may only 14:54 have one to three people in a life time that are sharing 14:57 with you at that intimate level. 14:59 Your wife, maybe a close brother, whatever. 15:02 That's right, and at that point, what you're doing is 15:05 when you're at that level, you're in essence... 15:09 You could say to them, "The reason I'm worried about 15:13 this is because I'm not doing very well in my job. " 15:17 "I'm afraid if I get let go of this job, my age, my skill level 15:23 or whatever, I may not get another job. " 15:25 So you are really sharing much more and being more vulnerable. 15:27 You spill all the beans, you can tell everything to them. 15:29 And that's the person you think would never use that 15:31 information to betray you, never. 15:33 And when they do, it's one of the greatest stressors of life. 15:36 That's why divorce is so devastating. 15:39 Because you've shared things with that individual you 15:42 thought would never get beyond that. 15:44 Often during a divorce, the most vulnerable things you've said, 15:47 the most embarrassing thing, sometimes get trumpeted. 15:51 This really impresses me that this is sort of the way if you 15:55 look at the Bible you look at Christ's life. 15:57 He certainly had those that were casual acquaintances 16:01 The 5,000, the multitudes, then closer and closer, then He had 16:05 the top 12, I guess you could say. 16:06 Then out of that there was... 16:08 He had those 12 and then Mary and Martha where 16:11 He liked to hang out at their place. 16:12 You maybe have 12-15 and then you have the top three. 16:17 When He wanted to share with only a few, He chose those 16:22 top three Peter, James, and John. 16:24 When He was so vulnerable in Gethsemane, 16:26 He took those top three with Him. 16:28 We're talking with Dr. Skip MacCarty 16:31 We're talking about stress and the importance 16:33 of social relationships. 16:34 We hope that you join us when we come back. 16:41 Have you found yourself wishing you could shed a few pounds? 16:44 Have you been on a diet for most of your life? 16:47 But not found anything that will really keep the weight off? 16:49 If you've answered "yes" to any of these questions, 16:52 then we have a solution for you that works. 16:55 Dr. Hans Diehl and Dr. Aileen Lundington 16:58 have written a marvelous booklet called, 17:00 Reversing Obesity Naturally. 17:03 And we'd like to send it to you free of charge. 17:05 Here's a medically sound approach successfully used 17:08 by thousands who are able to eat more and 17:10 loose weight permanently without feeling guilty or hungry 17:14 through lifestyle medicine. 17:15 Dr. Diehl and Dr. Lundington have been featured on 3ABN. 17:19 In this booklet they present a sensible approach to eating, 17:22 nutrition, and lifestyle changes that can help you prevent 17:25 heart disease, diabetes, and even cancer. 17:28 Call or write today for your free copy of 17:31 Reversing Obesity Naturally and you can be on your way 17:34 to healthier, happier, you! 17:36 It's absolutely free of charge. 17:37 So call or write today: 17:44 Welcome back, we're talking with Dr. Skip MacCarty. 17:46 We're talking about stress and relationships 17:49 and what we can do to lesson our stress. 17:52 What about the Golden Rule, does that help us at all? 17:55 Don, the Golden Rule is the foundational principle 17:58 of all relationships. 17:59 If we all treated each other relative to the Golden Rule 18:02 we wouldn't have to worry about any other relationship 18:04 any other principles, they would be built in. 18:07 It's the most common element of the major world religions 18:13 And of course, Jesus said it sums up 18:16 the law and the prophet. 18:17 He said, "Whatever you do, do unto others as you would 18:18 have them do unto you this is the law and the prophets. " 18:20 sums up the law and the prophets so it's foundational. 18:24 He told the story of the Good Samaritan 18:27 which illustrates the Golden Rule. 18:30 Put yourself in the other person's place in relationships 18:35 and conflict situations all aspects of relationships 18:39 put yourself in the other person's place, treat them as 18:40 you would want to be treated and 18:43 we would have healthy relationships. 18:45 You would have no detriment to your own... stressful because 18:49 you'd have all kinds of friends who would love you for 18:52 the way you are, like Christ. 18:54 Yes but Jesus treated people as He would want to be treated 18:57 if they were in His place. 18:58 They didn't all love Him because sometimes putting yourself in 19:03 another person's place, you would want to at least 19:05 have the opportunity to know something that your doing 19:11 is damaging you. 19:12 Jesus did it in the most loving way He could, but yet 19:15 still He made enemies. 19:16 So it doesn't mean we're automatically have friends 19:19 but it's the best we can do, it's the key principle. 19:22 Right, Golden Rule, but then beware when all men 19:24 speak well of you as well. 19:26 In your seminar you talk a lot about parity principle. 19:29 Explain that to us. 19:31 It simply says: 19:38 We all want equality relationships. 19:40 If I talk to you in a demeaning way, if I acted superior to you, 19:44 Here's a graphic: 19:49 It just graphically shows two people in a parity relationship. 19:51 Just their size shows they're in a parity relationship. 19:54 That's what we're talking about. 19:56 Equal, Equal. 19:58 If you were demeaning toward me acting like you knew a lot more 20:00 about this subject, or I acted like I knew everything about it, 20:03 and you just didn't know much about it. 20:04 We couldn't relate at the same level as when we're working as 20:08 colleagues together. 20:09 So, what kind of things cause relationships to 20:12 get out of whack, or out of parity? 20:14 There is a series of things that disrupt parity: 20:27 Personal failure I may have come out of a week of 20:30 personal/professional failure. 20:31 Maybe my home is falling apart and therefore I don't feel 20:36 equal to you even though you don't even know what's happened. 20:38 Just because of what's been going on 20:40 that I don't know about. That's right! 20:42 So I could be criticizing you, poking at you, trying to get 20:44 you down to my level just so I find something wrong with you 20:47 So now I feel at least we are equal. 20:49 You're not having great professional success 20:51 great relationships, and I'm not so we're out of relationship. 20:54 So in the next slide it shows what happens: 20:58 Now, let's say Joe is Mary's husband, lets say. 21:02 He criticizes, he blames her, he is bragging about himself. 21:05 You see what happens graphically there. 21:08 She gets smaller, feels smaller at least. 21:11 She feels like she's in a demeaned position. 21:14 That's where we get the phrase "You're putting me down. " 21:16 Yes. 21:17 Now it could be on her. 21:19 She could have a low sense of self-esteem. 21:22 In that sense, Joe may do nothing to contribute to that 21:27 but Mary just feeling not any quality in that relationship 21:32 So what do people do to try to regain parity once they've lost 21:35 it or they feel like it's knocked out of whack? 21:38 Well, often Don, what people attempt to do is not helpful. 21:45 Here is a graph of common responses: 22:01 So this would be passive aggressiveness in some sense. 22:04 or even more than that. 22:06 These responses generally are ineffective because they tend 22:10 over shoot the mark. 22:11 You would not say to me, "Thanks, Skip, you just 22:13 established parity in our relationship, because I 22:15 counter-criticized you. " 22:16 Maybe I had such a terrible week and I can see you've had 22:20 a such a successful career right now and I'm not. 22:24 So I'm trying to find fault with what you're doing just to 22:28 simply establish parity and you don't even know what's going on. 22:32 Neither do I. I'm not conscience of it. 22:34 But it something I do just so there is some equality 22:37 in our relationship. 22:38 Even as we're talking now, people watching this are going 22:41 to recognize relationships they're into where that very 22:44 kind of dynamic is taking place. 22:46 They just weren't conscience of it before. 22:48 Can it happen in nations and big systems too? 22:50 I kind of sense that as I'm listening. 22:52 Exactly. 22:53 So it's really important then to get this back in balance. 22:59 Yes. 23:00 A couple of the next slides will show examples: 23:03 Here is Mary now, she is responding to Joe's criticism 23:08 with defensiveness. She criticizes him, or she brags 23:13 about herself. 23:14 All Mary is trying to do in essence is re-establish parity. 23:18 But what happens is Joe doesn't say, "thank you, Mary" 23:22 to re-establish parity. 23:24 In fact he is feeling: 23:27 So what happens is the relationship 23:31 just spirals downhill. 23:33 Back and forth, back and forth. 23:34 This increases your stress. Exactly, Exactly! 23:36 So how do you bring an end to this cycle, 23:39 How do you maintain parity? 23:41 First of all it's beginning to recognize that the downhill 23:45 spiral... they must understand the true basis 23:49 of their self-esteem: 23:55 If you're criticizing me, that doesn't knock us out of 24:00 parity and reality. 24:01 The fact that I've had a terrible week doesn't knock 24:02 us out of parity and reality. 24:04 Because the true basis of our self-esteem 24:06 was established by God Himself. 24:09 You're God's child, I'm God's child. 24:12 God loves you and God loves me. 24:16 That's the true basis of our self-esteem. 24:21 That wonderful scripture, "God so loved the world that He 24:25 gave His only begotten Son, that who so ever believeth 24:28 in Him should not perish but have everlasting life. 24:30 So like that little song, "Red and yellow, black and white 24:33 all are precious in His sight. 24:34 That's the key right there. 24:36 That transcends our personal relationships and gives us some 24:39 sense of esteem outside of what you do or what I do to you. 24:43 Because then you're criticizing me, but immediately 24:47 in my head I go to my relationship with God, 24:50 I re-establish that sense of value before God. 24:53 So I'm not knocked out of parity in relationship, 24:56 but it just makes all the difference in the world 24:58 when that's internalized. 25:00 Such a helpful concept. 25:01 What can I do to make sure I do not get knocked out of parity? 25:05 Well, these are responses to help re-establish parity 25:10 once it's been... to foster parity: 25:59 You don't have to react, you actually keep this in mind 26:03 and bring balance. 26:04 Look at these next couple slides they will show: 26:05 Here's Joe again criticizing, blaming, bragging 26:08 but notice Mary isn't being knocked down again 26:10 because something else is going on in her head. 26:12 And we get into her head and see what's going on in her head. 26:15 She's saying to herself, right there in the middle of that, 26:18 "God loves me. " "God loves Joe. " 26:21 It doesn't matter what he said, God loves me 26:23 This issue matters: 26:32 I tell you, Don, this is so powerful. 26:35 I have been right in the middle of difficult conversations 26:38 and immediately I recognize what's happening. 26:41 And I'm responding to try to re-establish parity 26:44 and I kick into this mode again and awesome things happen. 26:47 Are there some relationships that just by their very nature 26:49 are out of parity and you have to be careful about? 26:52 Excellent question, and there are, aren't there? 26:54 Parent/child relationships for instance is automatically 26:58 out of parity because you have the big person/little person 27:09 or employer/employee relationships. 27:12 What a parent has to do is to get down on the child's level 27:15 often times that's just bending down to a child's level 27:18 even physically bending down. 27:19 An employer has to go out of their way to compliment an 27:22 employee for some job they've done well. 27:24 By that they are doing the best they can to foster parity 27:27 in a relationship. 27:28 It doesn't mean you abdicate your responsibilities 27:30 as a parent or employer, but it means being aware of this sets 27:33 you free to try to make sure that you're not contributing 27:37 to even more disparity. 27:39 This has been very helpful. 27:40 I think it could help people individually, their families, 27:44 and their community even world leaders if they took 27:47 this seriously this could certainly be 27:50 something very important. 27:51 We're glad you've been watching and we hope you have parity in 27:54 your relationships, that you do have many social relationships 27:56 and you have health that lasts for a lifetime. |
Revised 2014-12-17