3ABN On the Road

Celebrating Life Through Forgiveness

Three Angels Broadcasting Network

Program transcript

Participants: Cheri Peters (Host), Dannielle Synot, Jamie & Kerrie

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Series Code: OTR

Program Code: OTR001022


00:01 The following program discusses sensitive issues
00:03 related to addictive behavior.
00:05 Parents are cautioned that some material
00:06 may be too candid for younger children.
01:11 Oh, welcome back.
01:14 This is my favorite teaching ever,
01:17 because I've tried a lot of things,
01:19 when I got into recovery.
01:20 For some of you, there is a couple that
01:22 have been here for the first time.
01:23 I am a heroin addict in recovery,
01:25 come from a family of addicts.
01:28 My history was, I mean, I had no idea about anything.
01:34 You know, about God, about spirituality,
01:36 about any of that, trying to kill myself at 23,
01:39 I meet God.
01:40 And He has been-- I put some stuff on the table
01:43 that has just been dark and ugly stuff.
01:46 You know, being strung out and being on drugs
01:48 and been a molested kid and all that kind of stuff,
01:51 those things that I would never tell you in front of the pulpit,
01:55 not because I'm afraid to tell you,
01:57 but it's just ugly stuff.
01:58 You know, these things that you don't even need to know.
02:00 Some of it would be abusive for me to tell you.
02:03 You know, what I mean and yet every single thing
02:06 that I put in front of God, in front of Christ,
02:09 He just said, man, thank you forgiving me that.
02:13 And it's just like, He just cleared it and set me a banquet.
02:16 You know, just kept continuously
02:19 taking all the stuff which was amazing to me.
02:22 And then you-- I don't know,
02:23 if you have stuff that you just wanna
02:24 almost shake because you think.
02:26 You know, I don't know, if God could forgive this.
02:28 I don't know, what He's gonna think about this.
02:30 I don't know, what He's gonna think about me, if I say this.
02:33 And yet I said that loud trembling almost
02:36 and He says I know that, I love you.
02:40 And I am like, how cool are you?
02:41 Do you know what I mean how cool is that?
02:43 And this, I am just sorry to say this to you,
02:47 but it was such an impact for moment to me.
02:49 I was driving down the street and I think when you know,
02:52 you've been forgiven as much as I've been forgiven.
02:56 There are sometimes I am just so full of joy.
02:59 I just--I can't even hardly stand it.
03:01 I just-and so I am driving down the street
03:03 and I am listening to some songs
03:04 and I am singing at the top of my lungs.
03:06 Has anybody done that?
03:08 You're just so full of joy and you're connected with
03:09 everything and the sun's out and everything is just cool
03:13 and this song comes on the radio and it's--I can only imagine.
03:18 You know, incredible song, I could only imagine.
03:21 You know, when I am standing
03:23 in front of Jesus, what I am gonna do?
03:26 And I made it and I talk up the time but would I be silent.
03:30 Because it's such an incredible moment, you know,
03:32 would I fall on my knees, would I sing, would I dance?
03:36 You know, what I am gonna do?
03:37 And it says will I dance for you Jesus
03:40 or in awe of you be still, right?
03:43 But I told you my testimony that I was
03:45 homeless and a heroin addict and worked as a dancer
03:48 in clubs and all that kind of stuff.
03:50 And all of a sudden I was overwhelmed by shame,
03:55 overwhelmed, you know, everything that I know was
03:58 about who I am?
04:01 And that kind of thing came back to me
04:03 and I thought, you know, all of the sudden
04:05 the ugliness of my past was so apparent that
04:08 it robbed me of that joy of connecting with Jesus
04:11 in that moment even on that day.
04:13 And I just freaked out and I started crying
04:15 and I had to pullover 'cause you know,
04:17 I mean I was just crying so hard
04:19 I could not continue driving.
04:21 And I had to pull over and I just heard the Holy Spirit
04:23 saying I love you. You will dance for me.
04:27 And it's gonna be pure and holy.
04:29 There's nothing about it that is gonna be shameful
04:32 and please know that all of that will be removed.
04:36 And I thought, I just want to kiss you on the face.
04:39 I just want you to be right here.
04:42 Why do we deserve that? It's just ridiculously crazy.
04:45 And what God has offered us, and so now this right here
04:48 I think is a most important teaching ever.
04:51 I'm gonna introduce you to some friends before I start.
04:55 And I want to just tell you when I grab friends
04:58 and pull them up here, a lot of times they're like
05:01 please don't call me.
05:03 But I do it anyway, because I love them.
05:06 I meet the coolest people all over the world
05:08 coming from different places.
05:10 Today, I want to get Jamie and Kerrie up.
05:14 Both of them have a story different but will--
05:19 you'll understand a little bit about forgiveness.
05:21 And so I am gonna first say I love you
05:25 and you know I love you.
05:27 Last year, when I was talking to Jamie,
05:32 for the kind of the last time and he was,
05:37 now were you 50 pounds lighter.
05:40 I've put on 35 kilos. Yeah.
05:43 So, yeah.
05:45 He was so-- I thought if you
05:47 don't get it now you're gonna die.
05:50 You really are not gonna make it.
05:52 And didn't it feel like that, that it's like this time.
05:55 Yeah it was-- that was it, yeah.
05:58 So, I wanna you to talk a little bit.
06:00 You're heroin addict in recovery.
06:02 You've been clean for how long?
06:04 I've been clean for 11 months.
06:07 And only 'cause I grabbed him by the throat and said
06:13 you get clean, you got to do it now.
06:15 And I was like it was so intense 'cause
06:17 I over the years have really fallen in love with you.
06:20 Really, knew that God has a call in your life
06:23 and yet you were just diving down.
06:26 I was trying to get away from everything and everyone.
06:30 Especially me.
06:31 Yeah and then God put Cheri in my path and yeah,
06:38 she got me into a Christian based rehab.
06:40 And yeah I got at a Christian base rehab
06:44 'cause God put Cheri in more power.
06:46 She reached out to me and yeah it all went from
06:50 there and I haven't looked back ever since.
06:52 So it's been, yeah God changed me along.
06:55 He changed me from the inside out.
06:57 So, and I am late man I thought that
06:59 I was somebody that could never change ever.
07:02 So, yeah, God does do miracles. So are you brave enough?
07:08 Yeah, to tell them what started your addiction?
07:10 'Cause we thing people just go out and party
07:12 and in they're out there to just get high,
07:14 but you started for a specific reason.
07:17 Yeah I was molested as a young child
07:20 by a family member by an uncle.
07:22 So I am just after that my life just spun
07:26 out of control and yeah I've found drugs what Cheri
07:30 says you know talking that--you know,
07:35 it was just to kill the pain.
07:36 So yeah, and then look I was screaming out to help
07:40 as a young kid just-- yeah that's the only way
07:43 I could get rid of the pain, was you know,
07:46 I was started on marijuana, alcohol,
07:49 spirit and then soon as I found heroin.
07:52 I just never looked back.
07:53 I used it for 20 years straight,
07:55 in and out of jail fled out.
07:57 How many kids did you have in the mean time?
07:59 Yeah, I had two children, that didn't even stop me.
08:02 So yeah and yeah I've got a beautiful partner Kerrie.
08:06 She stood by me for 20 years of just--
08:11 I was a mess dead set mess.
08:14 And Kerrie stuck by me the whole time.
08:17 Threw me over jail sentences over drug use,
08:19 saw the abuse, saw everything,
08:21 I was the shocking partner and just yeah.
08:25 She really showed me what as a Christian person is look.
08:29 Our God forgiven for everything for Kerrie,
08:32 so and that's I think that's because of her
08:35 religious background and her God.
08:39 Yeah, so--
08:40 It's really interesting as our first time.
08:42 When did we meet?
08:43 Well, how was it a few years ago?
08:45 It was 2009.
08:47 Yeah, so what's really interesting to me is you
08:50 you see I saw you in your addictions and so strong
08:55 and it was like you know now I am good.
08:57 You were so not good. Don't lie to me.
09:00 And you know, you didn't even know me.
09:01 You're right, so you just playing this whole thing
09:03 and so but anyway what's really interesting
09:05 is even in that-- you see this
09:07 incredible man of God that's locked in there.
09:10 Do you know what I mean just locked in there
09:12 and knowing that more than likely something happened,
09:14 'cause we talked about and people don't just
09:16 become addict, usually there's some pain,
09:18 some junk and so it was really incredible to meet
09:21 you and to be on this journey with you.
09:23 And I can't wait to work with you in a huge way.
09:26 But I think the testimony here is you.
09:31 You know, 'cause you know the addict we could just
09:33 get high again-- but the family member
09:35 or the partner, your wife your kids,
09:38 they have to walk through it.
09:40 They are not numbing themselves.
09:43 So what was that like I mean?
09:45 Oh, it was horrible, just horrible.
09:47 Just, watching at the start it wasn't so bad.
09:53 It was just sort of deteriorated
09:55 it just went on but I just--
09:59 there was always that hope there for me.
10:01 I could say that man of God,
10:03 'cause I grew up in a Christian home--
10:06 had nothing to do with that whole drug world at all.
10:11 And Jamie and I crossed paths and just never looked back.
10:15 But it was just horrendous to go through it,
10:19 just not knowing each day is he--is he dead,
10:22 you know, is he going to come home.
10:26 You know, what do I tell my children.
10:29 Always dad, falling asleep on the couch.
10:31 You know they always wondered
10:32 why dad was tired all the time in.
10:35 It's just a horrible, horrible thing.
10:37 So in with how did you--'cause we're talking
10:40 about even forgiveness on today,
10:42 how did youforgive him?
10:44 Is it you know--'cause a lot of people are in that
10:46 situation even though they look really great?
10:48 Yeah. You know 'cause you look great.
10:51 Yeah You came to church you smiled.
10:52 I've never told anyone what was going on, never.
10:55 And you know when people say how you're doing, oh good?
10:57 Good. It was good, no one even knew.
11:00 I would just, I mean people would have--
11:02 knew something was going on.
11:04 But I never ever talked about it.
11:06 It just it was something I kept to myself
11:09 and I kept believing that it's gonna go away.
11:11 Locked key he will be right tomorrow, tomorrow,
11:14 tomorrow and yeah--
11:16 And there is part of not telling for you know
11:21 for shame, but it's also part of
11:22 not telling because you don't want to dishonor him.
11:25 Yeah. When he stands up.
11:26 I mean so you're really conflicted in that. Yeah
11:29 You know, and so would how are you doing?
11:31 You've been clean for less than a year.
11:34 Yeah I am doing really good. Yeah, you have to forgive him.
11:38 Yeah How was that?
11:40 Its, it is a hard. So process it is.
11:44 As cute as you are. Yeah, it is too hard.
11:48 I understand. Yeah.
11:49 Now that I am stride on that. Yeah, yeah.
11:51 And what's really to me amazing about both of you
11:54 as a couple is as you learn that,
11:57 you gonna be able to reach out. Yeah
11:59 And help a ton of folks that really are in that place.
12:02 And that's why I think you know I love the way God
12:05 is using you right now, just standing out getting that
12:09 clear and then I can't even tell you even this weekend,
12:13 like I said its good as everybody looks. Yeah.
12:15 There are people dealing with the exact same thing
12:18 and they're dying to tell someone. Yeah
12:20 Because it's hard to carry that's so much. Yeah.
12:23 But I always needed that if it became too much
12:26 for me that God would remove me from situation.
12:30 I just knew that he would never let me.
12:33 I mean, there was days where I don't want to get
12:35 out of bed just because you know distress.
12:38 But I knew that if it became too much that God
12:40 won't let me go through anymore than I can handle.
12:44 So I was clearly stronger than I thought.
12:47 Then you know, what's as you become
12:49 the spiritual leader of this home again.
12:51 Man, I'm so--I can't even tell you how much
12:55 I respect what you're doing.
12:56 And how much I just know your kids
12:59 and Kerrie are just gonna be blessing.
13:01 As your friend I am gonna be blessed.
13:03 You know, and as I develops.
13:05 You know, it's really good.
13:07 So I am wrapped with the right arm,
13:11 I am at the moment. Me too.
13:12 I have never been like this in hard lock since
13:15 i was a teenaged kid.
13:17 So you know, yeah, it's good to know
13:20 what's going on and actually really oh,
13:23 man really know what's going around me,
13:25 because I sorted out it.
13:28 I like that, really just be cognizant for us.
13:31 Yeah, and it's really hard lock for me
13:33 and my children and Kerrie too just 'cause I have been
13:37 a mess for that long, but now that I am not
13:40 I suppose it's gonna take me a long time to entrusting
13:43 things back you know.
13:45 Which is what I am working now,
13:46 but its really hard but I sit down
13:49 and I look at my kids sometimes and think you know,
13:52 I've got no idea how I put them through,
13:55 what I put them through Kerrie
13:56 as well as everybody that I know.
13:58 Yeah and I walk across, so that I wasn't hurting anybody
14:00 but there was people that loved me.
14:02 And there was you know, that would hurt in the inside
14:05 especially my children I think--
14:07 And being so forgiveness is gonna be forgiving yourself.
14:10 And getting them helping them to forgive you.
14:13 All of that kind of stuff.
14:15 You know, is there anything and this is kind of
14:17 putting you on the spot right now.
14:18 But is there anything that you would like
14:20 the church to know about what you're having
14:23 to deal with and how they could help you.
14:28 Now you just pray, just pray,
14:30 it's probably the best way because--
14:32 How about be patient? Yeah, yeah.
14:35 Be patient because you know what?
14:38 This is gonna be such an incredible man of God.
14:40 But he's going to stumble around at times.
14:42 He's gonna may be say things that you just think you know,
14:44 and you gonna want to step away.
14:46 Don't you dare? Yeah.
14:48 You know, step closer to him.
14:50 Step closer to her, being able to tell
14:53 even these kids that are going to have
14:54 to deal with all that kind of stuff.
14:56 Is as a church we've the privilege of watching them
15:00 be released from what the devil has
15:01 almost taken them out with.
15:03 And its just like I know I wanna just
15:05 as much as I can show faces of people
15:08 that are sitting down in the pews
15:10 and they're saying--no, no I am good.
15:14 You know, thank you for coming up.
15:16 I am always. All right, give me a kiss.
15:20 I love you. Okay.
15:30 How cool are they?
15:32 Okay, so the next person I want you to meet
15:36 is one of my best friends, and you just got to come up.
15:42 When--and I am gonna let her tell the story
15:45 'cause there when sometimes when I tell the story
15:46 I think I am being a little disrespectful.
15:49 Now you got to jump in, it's not the side of you.
15:51 Okay, I will jump in, I will jump in.
15:52 So this is Danny, she is one of my best friends.
15:55 In ministry has done a lot of things on her own.
15:58 And she just did a series called the 'Beyond the Search',
16:00 it's an incredible series.
16:01 She is the host for Infocus, but when we met,
16:06 you were depressed, suicidal sitting in front
16:09 of a T.V. wanting to take yourself out.
16:11 Who would have thought?
16:14 Yeah, so I had I will just backtrack to it just to give.
16:18 Yeah, yeah.
16:19 So, I grew up in a broken home.
16:22 Basically didn't see my dad from when I was six to sixteen,
16:26 they split up when I was two.
16:27 You really are backtracking.
16:28 I am but I am just gonna go real quick.
16:30 All right. Just 'cause there's a point.
16:31 All right, go.
16:33 And then they both remarry, living with my
16:36 mom and my step dad who is really like very abusive?
16:41 You know smacks my head into walls,
16:42 swears at me, calls me the equivalent of prostitute.
16:44 You're pretty much when nobody was around.
16:46 Yeah. Which made it worse for a kid I think.
16:49 The verbal stuff, yeah,
16:50 the physical was when no one was around.
16:52 So my mom just like totally went into a clinical depression
16:55 was hospitalized, couldn't show affection.
16:59 And yeah and so I had all that abandonment abuse.
17:03 All that stuff going on.
17:04 Yeah, was just that your mom was just trying to survive.
17:06 She was. Totally disassociated.
17:07 Yeah, totally. Yeah.
17:09 She could sit in front of the T.V and I will be mom,
17:11 mom, mom and just she would not hear a thing.
17:16 You ended up 'cause now we have to go.
17:18 'cause when what I really loved the fact that one point
17:22 she finally gets done, and gets right in
17:24 somebody's face and curses them out.
17:26 And realizes that for some reason that worked.
17:29 So you jumped into anger,
17:31 rebellion all of that kind of stuff.
17:33 Yeah, that was my step dad.
17:36 In my teenage years my mom and him split up.
17:38 And I just confronted him one day and I was just so angry
17:42 and I had that 14 years of just rage and I just said,
17:47 "You know what? you're not my father.
17:49 You don't live here anymore.
17:50 So what are you just blankety blank?"
17:52 And he just didn't hit me or anything.
17:56 He just sort of turned around and walked out.
17:58 And I thought wow, and I knew from that
18:01 moment on that I would never let anyone.
18:04 And I met a valentine I never make it there.
18:07 I am like this without doubt that no one would
18:09 ever have that kind of power over me again.
18:11 And so teachers, parents,
18:14 anyone, I'll just curse them out.
18:15 And I just got to go back just to day yesterday
18:18 when we talked about why people choose addictions.
18:20 When you received that power, all the sudden I have this power
18:24 and it worked she is gone for the next, how many years?
18:29 At least ten. Yeah.
18:32 And so now what's really interesting to me is
18:34 then you came into the church.
18:39 Yeah, yeah I lost the baby which got me in the whole other track
18:43 and yeah basically found God when I went going to ministry.
18:47 Within 18 months I was preaching,
18:49 within three years I had my first called ministry.
18:52 And so and then what got the depression when we met.
18:56 Yeah. That's pretty intense.
18:57 Yeah it was I had a lot of basically one of the churches
19:01 we got called to basically both myself out
19:05 and I also had some health issues.
19:06 I got a staph infection you know started
19:09 and you know lots of that's away,
19:11 had a ton of situations where I just basically
19:15 went into clinical depression, anxiety, panic attacks
19:18 and all that kind of stuff.
19:20 And I was so damaged and so hurt that
19:22 I just totally shut off, totally closed off my heart,
19:25 and I said I will not connect.
19:27 I'm not connective with my husband
19:28 because we were dealing with stuff.
19:29 I'm not connective with friends.
19:31 I am just; 3ABN is gonna be my church.
19:33 And you know the couch is more comfortable than pew in.
19:37 And I will someway doing ministry.
19:38 Where I can and I just basically withdrew.
19:43 And so one night I am sitting down
19:46 and I am attending my church and watching 3ABN
19:49 and this new show comes on.
19:51 And its kind of funky graphics and interesting music.
19:54 And I'm thinking what's this?
19:56 And I really related to it,
19:59 because I am not the traditional Adventist.
20:01 I got to fit into that box, because it's not my background--
20:03 I don't have any Adventist.
20:05 Family and its Cheri, I am so they left
20:08 in recovery sharing her testimony.
20:10 And let me just jump in because I just want to say
20:13 there is no longer a typical Adventist.
20:16 So just anybody hear me.
20:17 There is no longer so just kind of rebuke
20:20 that in your mind because we are the typical Adventist now.
20:24 And so just, I just had to say that.
20:26 So let's use the word traditional.
20:28 Yeah, yeah. Yeah
20:29 But I love even how you said that I just want to,
20:32 every time I hear I think it's us.
20:34 Yeah. And how funny is that we are typical now.
20:38 Its ridiculous go ahead.
20:39 So I am watching all this and I am feeling
20:42 really connected and you know,
20:44 in my heart just it was like a relief.
20:47 You know, and I just said out loud thank God.
20:52 Finally, someone else who is normal in the church
20:55 and she laughs and I said that what's--no,
20:57 I am normal but she was real and roar and authentic
21:00 and I mean is that, isn't what reaches everyone.
21:03 This is what we need. We need Cheri.
21:05 This is a new normal. I love that.
21:09 We need more normal. That's why we are friends.
21:12 My God go ahead. It's normal to us.
21:14 That's what seems. Yeah, yeah.
21:16 And so I thought wow, you know,
21:18 I got to Google or find more about this,
21:21 because I need this, but I know the people
21:23 I worked with in ministry need this.
21:26 Not that I was in any position
21:27 to be ministering at that point. Yeah.
21:29 And so a couple of days later before I even had
21:32 a chance to Google anything.
21:34 I am--I go to my workplace where I just resigned from
21:39 which was a community centre at the church,
21:41 it's part of my role.
21:42 I am walking and someone turned at these box of books.
21:44 So I am not walking past.
21:47 And I thought that looks like that Cheri Peters,
21:49 checked in I pick up the book.
21:52 And it's a copy of Miracle from the Streets,
21:54 like who would have even thought.
21:55 So I read this book you know in three minutes
21:58 and for the next probably six months God hassles me
22:01 you need to connect with Cheri.
22:04 And I had no idea you know what it was a about
22:06 eventually I contact you and--
22:10 She said it's so funny.
22:12 Would you like to come to Australia?
22:13 I said, yes. I just still remember that-
22:17 You know, how fun is that. You know, what I mean.
22:19 I am just like I don't even know who she is,
22:21 but I am thinking I never, you know,
22:22 one of the places you know in your heart as a kid you think.
22:25 Oh, I'd love to see this--oh, I'd love to see that.
22:27 Australia was one of my places and so I just let have fun.
22:30 And she is like you know-- I got a message straight back
22:34 which is really you know unusual to you.
22:36 And I am going-- and she is like, yes,
22:38 I am invited I am saw you there with smiling faces
22:41 and I'm like woo-woo.
22:44 So and so you know the ball started rolling
22:46 and so over the next year you know we're in touch,
22:49 and I am organizing events and we end up doing
22:54 for churches, camp meeting in focusing to--it is written.
22:58 And yeah and we really haven't looked back.
23:01 Its really been fun. It's really been incredible.
23:03 So you know I have to get into this.
23:04 Yeah. So do you mind if I finish this story.
23:06 No, you go for it. So if I get anything wrong,
23:09 just jump up. Okay.
23:12 So anyhow she invites me down and the only reason that I have
23:15 her sitting down is just because I know her
23:16 and I can take over and we can go on and on,
23:18 because we just are friends.
23:20 But she invites me and then I stay at her house.
23:23 And you know we are so excited we have connected over
23:28 the last year just online, was it about a how long was it?
23:31 But we connected over a little bit online.
23:34 I know that we have similar hearts,
23:36 we have similar thoughts about God I mean
23:39 all of that kind of stuff and so we make a connection.
23:42 So by the time I get to her house I feel like I know her.
23:44 But I get to her house and her kids are farrow.
23:48 Do you know what I mean?
23:50 I don't know, I didn't even know what that word meant.
23:52 But she kind of said it. And then I saw it.
23:56 I thought oh, that's what it means.
23:58 You know there were times that we would be talking
24:01 and one kid would have like a bag of cheese
24:04 with a top cutoff and just like swinging it all over the house.
24:08 You know, and she would not break contact with me.
24:12 She just be talking, I'm thinking all right.
24:15 You know, we've been and then one time
24:17 somebody puts something in the microwave.
24:20 It was and there's so smoke, its piling out of the microwave.
24:24 And the kids are doing this and I am thinking
24:26 I am just gonna go to my room for a minute,
24:29 you know, because I just have to.
24:30 And her daughter would come up and say mom.
24:32 mom, mom, and grab her face and turn her face
24:35 and she would still be looking at me.
24:38 Faced turned this way but eyes looking at me.
24:40 And I am thinking I just have to go to my room.
24:42 So I go to room. There's no door arm on the doors.
24:48 So you know, you've to come up here.
24:52 Some people think I am not just talking about you.
24:54 So anyhow-- so we got to my room.
24:56 There's no door nuts on the doors,
24:57 because you guys are fixing up the house.
24:59 That's right. And the kids are coming in
25:02 and jumping over me running around my bed jumping over me,
25:05 running around my bed, jumping over me,
25:07 running around my bed.
25:08 And she is not exaggerating with any of these.
25:10 No, no I am not-- you know, I am not exaggerating
25:12 because she is my friend.
25:13 But anyhow so I am thinking, I just pretend that I'm asleep.
25:19 Right, and so eventually the kids got tired because
25:21 I just really pretended I was asleep
25:24 and so they would go do something else.
25:26 And then I would like you, have to like you put
25:28 something in front of that door.
25:29 So I put everything I owned. The boxes of books.
25:31 The boxes of books.
25:33 Like suitcase and all that kind of stuff.
25:34 And then I would come out and all this craziness
25:37 will be going on and she would be talking to me
25:41 and when we talked it was really cool.
25:43 The conversation was cool, but it was all of this stuff
25:46 was going on and Danni really has a heart for ministry.
25:51 So she was like ah, I'd like you to pray for me, for ministry.
25:56 Clearly I was ready. I am like no.
26:00 I have to go to my room again. I have to go my room.
26:04 And I would jut be like, God, how do you tell someone.
26:08 You know, wow, you got to pay attention.
26:11 You know and I go to my room and come out
26:13 and she was like, you just started to get concern like,
26:16 you don't' want to pray for me for ministry, do you?
26:19 And I am like, I got to go to my room for a minute.
26:21 So I go to my room, I'm praying about stuff
26:23 and finally God says, sit down and just be honest with her.
26:26 And so I sat down, it was one of the hardest
26:29 conversations ever to hear. Yeah, for both of us I think.
26:33 So I sit down and I said, I would like to pray for you,
26:36 but I would like to pray for you as a mother.
26:38 Do you know what I mean?
26:40 To be anointed as a mother, because I feel like my mom
26:44 is very disconnected from me.
26:45 Very--I never had that kind of connection,
26:49 she never saw me and I feel like when I look
26:51 at your daughter the same thing is happening.
26:53 And it just hurts me. And so I would like to pray for that.
26:56 And in your reaction it was intense
26:59 I could see it all over your face and body.
27:01 Yeah, it was probably the hardest thing
27:03 I have ever heard apart from
27:05 when I was told that my baby had died.
27:07 But little things just sort of flash before me
27:10 and I knew I had a choice.
27:13 I could either choose to heal or choose to stay in my damage.
27:18 But I have that realization all of a sudden that
27:21 this was my damage as a child.
27:24 I'm now damaging Cheri because I am tricking all her stuff.
27:27 But not only that even worse he said
27:29 I've now become perpetrator of that same damage of my kids.
27:34 And-- So we prayed about that and now you can sit down.
27:40 Yeah. That's okay.
27:42 So, okay, we prayed about that
27:44 and it was such a moment because I think
27:46 that I thought the same thing.
27:48 She had a choice to even kick me out
27:49 of her house, to be done.
27:51 I am done with you.
27:52 You know it's really tough to tell
27:55 someone about their parenting.
27:56 It's really tough to get into somebody's life that personal.
27:59 Lot of times people won't give you permission.
28:01 But anyhow, so we actually got through that,
28:04 prayed through that, connected thought that,
28:08 and then I had to get ready for a gig 'cause the whole time
28:10 I am speaking you know and so I am kind of exhausted,
28:13 because all of this craziness is going around.
28:15 And now, you know, I am gonna get ready
28:19 and I go into the bathroom and I am just getting ready--
28:23 and all of the sudden God tells me through
28:25 the Holy Spirit, that your mom had five kids,
28:29 and no one to support her.
28:31 She disassociated with five kids.
28:34 You know, I want you to get a sense when you watch,
28:37 what's happening here?
28:38 I want you to think about what happened with your own mother.
28:42 You know, and all of the sudden
28:43 I saw my mom in a totally different way.
28:46 I almost broke for her.
28:47 You know, when she had to disassociate.
28:49 When she had a pull away, we're just to survive.
28:52 She learned that from her mom and so I think that God used,
28:55 not used you know just heal both of us in such an incredible way
29:00 that I was able to have such empathy
29:03 for my mom in a different way.
29:05 I couldn't wait to ask her, you know,
29:08 for her to forgive me.
29:10 You know, can God give me an incredible opportunity
29:13 with my mom is to look at what I demanded from her
29:20 over the years as a little kid so needy,
29:24 and what she couldn't give me.
29:26 And how much shame and emotional damage that caused for her.
29:31 Does that make sense?
29:32 You know, what I mean because I have always
29:34 thought about the emotional damage
29:35 that my stuff was but I never thought
29:39 about what happened with her?
29:41 And every time she saw me wanted to be hugged
29:43 and loved and all that kind of stuff.
29:45 But she did with that for herself.
29:46 I mean it really trashed her.
29:48 So I think that was so amazing for me.
29:50 So today we're gonna be talking about,
29:52 we're gonna talk about what I have learned about
29:54 forgiveness and I had to learn I wanted--so any of that.
29:59 So to me I think forgiveness and everything that we talk
30:02 about in recovery, every thing we talk about as a church.
30:04 Everything that we talk about and all that kind of stuff
30:07 everything comes down to this.
30:10 Every single thing comes down to this.
30:12 My husband decided, I told you
30:13 he was not a Christian for a long time.
30:18 You know, I mean a long time.
30:19 Does anybody has, anybody been married to a non-Christian?
30:22 You pray for like years and years and years,
30:24 it's just tough, you know, but he wasn't a Christian
30:27 for a long time and just now recently
30:30 looking at all that and stepping into all that.
30:33 Sometimes it's really great, sometimes it's not,
30:35 I mean, all that kind of stuff.
30:36 But he starts looking at his stuff
30:38 and he's healing and we find out.
30:43 I mean, how do I--if he was here he would tell you this.
30:45 But it's kind of intense but we found out
30:50 that his father had a sexual addiction.
30:54 His grandfather had a sexual addiction
30:57 and my husband stepped into a sexual addiction very early.
31:00 You know, when I met him I thought
31:01 you know he's perfect, he's a boy scout.
31:03 He's mom is a violinists.
31:05 His dad is an ambassador for the United States to Bangladesh.
31:09 I mean, they have this incredible life or whatever,
31:11 but all of a sudden his stuff started coming out.
31:14 And his stuff started coming out in ways
31:16 that I have been damaged, right?
31:18 And so as we're dealing with that he's trying to share
31:22 with me some of that kind of stuff.
31:23 His main issues are pride and arrogance.
31:26 Raise your hand if you understand that one.
31:28 You know, what's really interesting to me
31:30 is that pride and arrogance looks intense.
31:34 I like that service like raise your hand, come on.
31:37 So pride and arrogance is really intense
31:39 but it feels so right to the person that has it.
31:43 "I just have a high standard." Anybody?
31:47 You know its just I have high standard or whatever
31:49 I just, you know, I worked for what I--
31:51 you know its whatever until he started realizing that
31:54 his was pride and arrogance.
31:55 He's so arrogant.
31:57 It's so funny that he has to have control over everything,
32:01 because he's only one that will do it right.
32:04 And so we were in counseling one time.
32:06 I had love--I can't even look at you guys it's so funny.
32:09 Everybody's looking at their
32:10 husband and looking at their wife.
32:11 But anyhow so, we're in counseling one time
32:14 and the counselor asked me or the pastor asked me.
32:17 So, what do you mean that,
32:20 you don't think He really hears you?
32:22 And I am thinking, every year for my birthday
32:26 we go to the state fair, every year.
32:30 He is an incredible musician,
32:31 so he get to gig at the state fair.
32:33 So he even gets paid to go which pays for a day.
32:36 You know, and some people say that's brilliant.
32:39 The only problem in this whole thing is I hate the state fair.
32:44 And it's my birthday, right?
32:46 And I tell him every year, I hate the state fair.
32:49 There's nothing about it I like.
32:51 I get motion sick, when they put me on a ride.
32:54 You know, I am not allowed to spend--
32:57 so all of those kind of booze where you get to buy
32:59 everything on the planet by the mix
33:01 and you know whatever else is for sale.
33:03 I can't go into because you know we don't' have the money.
33:06 And if I go in I'm gonna buy something
33:08 then we have to have that discussion.
33:09 So I mean nothing about that is pleasant.
33:12 And you know, I can't go see
33:14 the arts and crafts stuff but he hates that.
33:17 So there is nothing that ever works.
33:18 But I've been going for 11 years straight, straight.
33:23 And I am thinking, you know,
33:25 so that makes me feel like he doesn't hear me.
33:28 And all of a sudden because Brad is now in,
33:31 doing his recovering. He looks at me with tears.
33:36 "You don't like the state fair?"
33:39 Really you just got that? and you know its just like
33:42 so funny but it was-- so we're having to deal with
33:44 forgiveness and all that kind of stuff.
33:46 He molested somebody when he was young,
33:51 when he was a child too.
33:54 And he had to share that with me.
33:57 The moment he shared that with me, I just was stunned.
34:02 Because I thought, man,
34:05 you know, how do I respond to this.
34:10 You know, he has told me about sexual addictions,
34:13 told me about, I mean,
34:14 he was just wild as far as girlfriends
34:17 and women and college and all that kind of stuff.
34:19 You know, during that time, when he was growing up
34:21 there was a lot of people just had relationships,
34:24 he didn't think about that.
34:26 He is not Christian, so I mean,
34:27 he's sharing with me all the stuff.
34:28 I'm forgiving him, forgiving him.
34:30 But that was the hardest one because
34:31 I think that's my damage.
34:33 And I remember God just saying, you know,
34:36 "I want you to remember every single thing
34:39 I forgave you for, every single thing.
34:42 And right now the next thing you say,
34:45 is gonna be one of the most
34:46 important things you'll ever say."
34:49 And I just almost couldn't say it. I forgive you.
34:54 And I watched him just kind of be
34:57 able to for the first time take that shame.
35:00 And I don't know what people carry in their life,
35:02 but sometimes we carry stuff that we don't want
35:03 anyone to know about us, about what we've done
35:06 or how we've acted out.
35:07 But he was allowed to because he said it
35:09 out loud to me and I was as his wife said I forgive you.
35:14 He knew God had forgiven him.
35:16 Now his wife is forgiving him and now he has permission
35:18 to walk into recovery in a different way.
35:20 But I could have changed that whole thing.
35:24 I can't stay with you.
35:26 You are everything I have run from my whole life.
35:28 Do you hear what I am saying? And it was just a huge thing.
35:31 So we gonna look at not only God's forgiveness of us,
35:35 but our forgiveness of the people around us.
35:37 If we are truly asking them to be real with us,
35:40 man, sometimes that's the hardest thing.
35:43 You know, have you told Kerrie
35:45 everything that you've done, Jamie.
35:47 Don't lie to me. Oh, she knows all right.
35:51 But you know it's really tough and then for Kerrie
35:54 to turn around to say to Jamie and I forgive you, right?
35:58 So we're gonna look at some of the stuff
36:00 and we've to look at it in a way that this is oh,
36:03 this is a friend of mine did this picture.
36:05 I just put it in because I like it.
36:08 So its, you know, what happened to your hand because of what
36:11 Christ did we have permission to heal.
36:16 And I want you to think about that.
36:17 And so all of us should really look at
36:20 what happened to His hand?
36:21 What did his death mean? What did He give to us?
36:24 And sometimes we-- because we memorized
36:27 verses so long and we kind of done
36:29 the whole church things so long
36:30 that we just forget how incredible all of this is.
36:36 One of the clearest ways and I am just gonna read this.
36:38 One of the clearest ways to understand forgiveness
36:40 is to study how God chooses to forgive us.
36:43 Our sins stand in the way of our relationship with God.
36:46 Without his forgiveness,
36:47 who would be eternally condemned.
36:49 And I have to look at that is that,
36:51 God has totally completely looked at every single thing
36:56 that I put on the table and I wish I could tell you
36:59 some of those things because they're shameful intense.
37:03 There was no way that God should forgive
37:05 and when I stumble over
37:06 some of the character stuff even today.
37:09 Man, I can turn around and say,
37:10 man, I didn't even know it was still happening.
37:12 I didn't know I still had some of that stuff.
37:14 And I am sorry and it's not obvious stuff anymore.
37:17 You know, it's like I chose to be
37:19 a little manipulated divorcee, a little.
37:23 That's a lie, a lot manipulated.
37:24 But you know what I mean that but I have even
37:26 stumbling around, God will show
37:28 how we're gonna heal from that.
37:30 How we're gonna look at that? How we gonna do that?
37:31 In every single thing He's so incredible about.
37:35 God virtually shares his desire to forgive us.
37:38 I will forgive there iniquity and I remember
37:40 and no more will I pardon them abundantly.
37:42 Now I love this next one.
37:43 God chooses to focus on His desire to forgive us, right?
37:48 And that's His focus, His desire to forgive us
37:50 rather than our failures.
37:52 Does anybody hear that?
37:54 He looks at his heart not our sin.
37:59 He forgives us for His sake. And I am like shut up.
38:04 That is just the most amazing thing because
38:06 I think most of us feel like He looks at our sins,
38:09 our individual stuff, our junk, or whatever.
38:12 I used to think that He was in heaven just ticking boxes,
38:16 every time I messed up.
38:18 And I remember one time, He gives me this vision,
38:20 it was the most delightful vision,
38:22 not a vision because you know
38:24 people get crazy about that word.
38:26 He gives me an impression and that they don't have enough
38:31 pencils in heaven to do that.
38:34 That if they were ticking every box every time
38:38 we messed up you know, it would take the entire staff.
38:42 You know, what He ticks, what He checks,
38:47 is every time you feel the heart of God.
38:50 Every time you actually get it all of heaven wakes up.
38:53 I think she got it.
38:56 You know, I think she relaxed in a fact that I love her.
38:59 I think she has peace right now.
39:02 So it's not looking for our wrong behavior,
39:03 its looking for every single time we connect with God.
39:06 Every time that we can actually look
39:08 at this truth and know its truth.
39:10 Do you hear what I'm saying? It's not every time we mess up.
39:13 He knows we're gonna mess up.
39:16 Not that He wants us to but He knows.
39:18 God chooses to focus on His desire to forgive us
39:20 rather than to focus on our failures.
39:22 I even I, the one who wipes out your transgressions
39:26 for my own sake will not remember your sin.
39:30 And I'm like how cool is that?
39:32 As far as the east is from the west,
39:33 how we move our transgressions.
39:35 And I'm just thinking how cool is that?
39:38 There's nothing better about that.
39:41 So its right here, God chooses to love us
39:43 in spite of our failures and He provides redemption
39:46 from our sins through His son When we have
39:49 a bitter attitude towards another
39:50 we need to remember what we have done
39:52 and how we have been forgiven.
39:54 And what's really gonna be interesting about that.
39:56 I should just probably read it
39:58 because people are trying to read it.
39:59 We need to remember our sins we have committed and our debt
40:02 we owe to Christ for paying for our sins
40:04 through the death on the cross.
40:07 The reason we have to remember that
40:09 and you gonna hate this next part,
40:11 especially if you have a problem with forgiving,
40:13 because some of us have been hurt desperately, desperately.
40:19 I wrote, well, the ministry wrote a 14 week program
40:24 for the churches on recovery.
40:26 You know recovery groups
40:27 so that people can teach some of the staff.
40:30 And one of the weeks I have a friend on,
40:32 that her name is Joy.
40:34 And somebody a 14 year old kid came in and shot all her kids.
40:42 Four kids, you know, she was bowing with her husband
40:46 and the reason she was bowing with her husband
40:48 they needed a day off because their oldest girl
40:50 was dying of cancer and they have been
40:52 in the hospital with her for months.
40:54 And they just decided to take a day off go bowing.
40:59 The 12 year old was watching all other kids.
41:01 The youngest was probably 12 months old
41:03 and this kid walked in and then shot them in the face.
41:06 They came home from bowing
41:08 the police was surrounding their house.
41:12 And they were trying to deal with what just happened.
41:15 The police thought that they did it.
41:17 So they were taken in immediately to be interrogated,
41:20 they never got to see their children.
41:21 They never got to go back in there house
41:23 and they never got to see good bye.
41:25 And I don't know if she was a mother.
41:27 But Joy needed to just make sure
41:31 she said that my kids were all right.
41:32 Taking care of during this time
41:34 and they just didn't let her do that.
41:36 It took her 11 years to understand
41:39 what God was asking us to do in forgiveness.
41:44 I want you to forgive.
41:48 Are you kidding me? Are you kidding me?
41:51 How could you forgive someone like that?
41:54 And the only way we can forgive
41:56 and some of those really thoughtful
41:58 deep places is to understand
42:00 the extent of what happened here.
42:03 You know God forgives us for his own sake.
42:06 He is asking you to honestly forgive
42:09 somebody for that same motive.
42:12 Not because they deserve it not 'cause we gonna reconcile,
42:15 some of those things are not even the issue.
42:17 And its really be simple,
42:19 that would be simple to understand this concept of,
42:21 you know, I'm staying at your house.
42:23 Incredible because I thank you for that,
42:25 but let's say that you let me use your car,
42:28 to run to the store and I total it.
42:31 I get in an accident, it's wrecked.
42:34 You decide asked me if I have insurance.
42:38 And I say, well, yeah I think so,
42:41 here is my insurance card.
42:43 You find out when you try to get the insurance to pay off
42:46 that my name isn't even Cheri.
42:49 I don't have insurance, I don't have anything.
42:51 I really don't have a ministry,
42:53 you know, and so you start taking me to court
42:55 and fighting that and trying to get your car paid off
42:57 and all that kind of stuff.
42:59 And after about five years,
43:00 have been lost in this stress and this drama.
43:03 What would be the smartest thing for her to do?
43:08 Fix her car, get on with her life.
43:10 And in a sense she pays my debt,
43:13 fixes the car and to get on with her life.
43:16 And in a forgiveness sense sometimes
43:18 it is that there is no way you're going to get
43:22 what you need from the other person and you--
43:25 because what, Christ said to us,
43:27 is you just give it to him.
43:29 Surrender to him but you paid their debt.
43:33 I am going to pay your debt for you.
43:36 I am gonna fix a car for you, I'm gonna let it go.
43:40 I had an addict ripped me off for about $1000 and God said,
43:43 forgive them, tell them you forgive them and let it go.
43:47 Everybody yelled at me.
43:49 But man that gave me such peace,
43:50 I didn't have to deal with that anymore
43:52 and forgiveness on any level
43:54 is going to give that kind of stuff
43:56 but some of the levels are pretty tough.
43:58 Forgiveness one of the things on this right here,
44:00 on this chart, is that God,
44:03 the death of Christ sets us free, right?
44:05 Totally sets us free and if I don't accept that
44:11 I keep my own sin and my own addictions.
44:14 If I accept the blood of Christ I can surrender that to Him.
44:16 I can say, okay, I get it.
44:18 You know, what you did set me free
44:20 and even though I may not know what to do with the next step.
44:23 I am gonna-- I have faith in that, right.
44:25 That if I don't, I accept my own stuff.
44:28 I have the anger, the bitterness
44:30 and all that kind of stuff stays with me.
44:31 Then next chart I think is incredible
44:33 because your forgiveness of another person
44:36 assuming the personal responsibility
44:38 of the other person of taking that on.
44:41 Okay, I get it and I'll just take that on myself.
44:44 Is that you're dying to self and justice that you have.
44:48 My father molested me since I was three months old.
44:52 When God said that forgive him. I was juts like.
44:54 Oh, stop there's no way. There's no way.
44:57 I found baby shoe of my dad.
45:01 And God said forgive him as a him as a baby.
45:04 And he really does in a sense owe me a debt.
45:09 Who would I have been if I had a father that loved me, right?
45:12 Who would I have been if I could run in a room as a little girl
45:15 and troll around and have my dad say you're lovely.
45:19 And throw me up in the air, kiss me on the face
45:22 and whatever and have that just be incredible.
45:25 The debt he owes me is that I will never know that.
45:28 I will never have that. So it's not a small debt.
45:31 But the only way I am gonna be able to forgive him
45:34 is to pay that debt myself.
45:36 Okay, I will take responsibility
45:37 for that and I am gonna show you
45:40 how I think God taught me that concept
45:43 but it's just like I have to die to myself to do that.
45:46 And I have to have faith in what God says to be able to do that.
45:49 And if I don't try to myself I am left with
45:52 and this is important resentment anger,
45:55 bitterness and un-forgiveness.
45:57 Do you hear what I am saying? I am left with that.
45:59 My whole life that will come out in all kinds of different ways
46:03 and nobody else will be able to read it.
46:04 Like Kerrie I can sit in the church and look great.
46:07 But I am gonna have that stuff to deal with.
46:10 God is saying you don't have to have that stuff.
46:12 You die to yourself forgive them and you're free.
46:18 The concept--I'll just go forbearance in a brief way
46:23 is when you forbear for someone,
46:25 when God forebears for us
46:27 as he overlooks our ignorance at times.
46:30 Where actually now we're doing all kinds of stuff,
46:32 I could use Jamie as an example.
46:36 We're acting I was doing all kinds of stuff
46:37 and God really for a while overlooks our ignorance
46:41 and our sin and all that kind of stuff.
46:42 And it says, in Roman 4:2,
46:44 "Don't despise God for doing that."
46:46 'Cause that leads to repentance.
46:48 You know, he has reason for that.
46:50 And its to draw people back
46:52 and its just like God is so delightful in all that.
46:55 But anyhow so I am gonna look at the process of forgiveness
46:57 and I am gonna use this chart
46:59 because this chart made sense to me
47:00 when somebody used that for me.
47:01 I want this block of this block to represent
47:06 everything that anything that you have dealt with.
47:09 You know and I am gonna put some of my stuff,
47:11 abandonment, physical abuse,
47:13 sexual abuse, neglect, alcoholism, drug addiction.
47:17 You could put divorce, you can put adultery,
47:19 you could put whatever.
47:21 So that block represents that.
47:23 And lets say right now it's gonna represent
47:25 the molestation from my father.
47:30 So it represents molestation from my father.
47:32 I am as a Christian going to start to say okay,
47:36 I forgive my father for molesting me, right?
47:39 Okay, should be done.
47:42 You know, I am not gonna reconcile with him
47:44 because like I said and I told you
47:45 my dad died in a crack house molesting kids.
47:47 He never did heal.
47:48 So its not reconciliation is just I am gonna forgive.
47:51 And I go on and I am thinking okay my life should change.
47:55 I am still picking bad relationships,
47:57 I am still depressed,
47:58 I'm still having all that junk. What happened
48:01 because I don't feel healed but I forgave him.
48:03 So may be I just didn't forgive him properly.
48:06 May be I didn't get on my knees, okay.
48:09 I forgive my dad for molesting me
48:12 and God I mean it and I cry and all that kind stuff,
48:16 and I am-I get it and it's like okay.
48:19 And so now few months or days go by
48:25 and I am still acting out on the same way.
48:29 May be I should have studied first.
48:32 Okay, so now I study about forgiveness
48:36 and then you know and I do it all kind of different ways.
48:43 But I keep going to this event, this thing that happened.
48:48 But I am gonna tell you
48:49 what's really interesting about this thing
48:51 that happened is that Satan set up
48:53 schemes in my life with that molest.
48:57 You know when the Bible says,
48:58 fight against the schemes of the devil.
49:01 It doesn't say fight against the devil.
49:02 So what are the schemes?
49:05 Does you know and I am gonna tell you
49:06 what I think and I could be totally wrong,
49:08 this is just what I think?
49:10 Is that the event happens the molestations happens,
49:13 the divorce happens, the rape happens,
49:16 whatever and the next thing it happens is like I feel angry.
49:20 I feel worthless, I feel bitter.
49:24 I'm picking bad relationships.
49:26 I'm trying drugs, I'm drinking,
49:27 I'm getting into a sexual addiction
49:29 but every one of these things now represents something
49:34 that happens because of that event.
49:36 Do you hear what I'm saying,
49:37 does that makes sense?
49:39 And you can list your own things.
49:40 You know I am insecure.
49:42 I feel like nobody can be trusted.
49:44 I don't get into relationships well
49:46 and I mean all of that kind stuff sort of happening.
49:49 So I am gonna ask you whose fault is that first one?
49:58 Don't be shy, whose fault do you think?
50:01 The perpetuator my dad.
50:03 Clear, I mean you can go all the way back
50:05 into a spiritual sense and its same,
50:07 it's the devil but I am not going back that far.
50:10 This is my dad's fault. Whose fault is this?
50:14 Absolutely, absolutely my fault,
50:18 I that my dad is not even alive anymore.
50:21 And yet I walk every day with all of those believes.
50:25 I work everyday telling myself all of that stuff.
50:28 And what God is saying is forgiveness means
50:31 we're gonna look at this stuff,
50:33 but we also have to look at all of this
50:36 and I am gonna ask you to surrender all of that
50:39 because you become your own perpetrator.
50:43 It's just the saddest reality I think that I have ever had.
50:47 Is that that's the issue.
50:49 You know, I am not being molested any more.
50:51 Do you hear what I am saying? I am not in there anymore.
50:53 But man I believe this everyday.
50:57 So now what I had like to look at
51:01 is I believe one of the things that helped me a lot.
51:05 And nobody said-- everybody has formula,
51:07 I don't think anything is a formula
51:09 this is just one that worked for me.
51:10 And I just want to show you so I can teach
51:13 this concept and see what you think.
51:15 Is that forgiveness is very costly.
51:17 It costs God everything.
51:20 But God is saying the same thing to us.
51:22 Forgiveness is very costly, it's gonna cost you everything.
51:26 When Joy decided to forgive Billy,
51:30 she couldn't even believe it.
51:31 When I decided to forgive my father I couldn't even do it.
51:34 I had to look at a baby shoe,
51:35 and say I forgive you as a baby for everything
51:38 that will happen to you in your life
51:40 that will get you to molest your own children.
51:42 I couldn't even see him as my father or a man yet.
51:44 I had to see him as a little baby
51:46 and just say okay, God I get it in that sense.
51:48 That's a best I can do right now
51:49 until God taught me how to do that.
51:51 My mom I had to forgive her as a three-year-old.
51:54 For whatever happened in your life
51:56 that you could never love me.
51:57 It was easy when I saw what happened with Danny
51:59 and her children to forgive for even on a deeper level.
52:03 But God says forgiveness is costly,
52:05 it will cost you everything, it costs God everything,
52:08 and we do it in a very superficial way.
52:10 We do it with an event.
52:13 It's bigger than this event. You have schemes.
52:17 The Bible says, I am stronghold.
52:19 What's the stronghold, anybody know?
52:22 You know stronghold that's really interesting to me
52:24 is that that what is so stronghold
52:27 is like a fortress whatever.
52:29 And I think the devil hides behind some of the fortresses,
52:32 the strongholds in our mind.
52:34 And somebody said to me
52:36 what is a strong hold built off do you think?
52:39 And I am thinking, no I am not sure.
52:41 What if its build over every lie
52:43 every lie that you ever believed.
52:45 What if it this stronghold is build of this stuff?
52:49 So I am physically building strongholds for lies
52:55 to the devil to hide behind to kind of make porch offs of me.
52:59 And nobody can build it, but me and I am building that.
53:02 And God is saying give that to me,
53:03 give all of that to me.
53:04 Deal with the forgiveness.
53:06 So what I did was I listed
53:07 different people in my life that have hurt me.
53:11 And just said a prayer. You can say any kind of prayer.
53:15 Any position on your knees
53:19 standing up by your bed whatever.
53:21 But the prayer I said was Lord,
53:23 I choose to forgive my father for molesting me
53:26 causing me to feel unworthy,
53:28 unloved, angry, hopeless, afraid,
53:33 you know afraid to be in my own skin.
53:35 I am all of that kind of stuff not able to connect
53:38 really where I could put on mask after mask after mask
53:41 but nobody ever knows me and all that kind of stuff.
53:43 I forgive my father for that.
53:45 And I am willing to pay for the emotional pain
53:47 and consequences that he has caused me.
53:50 And I ask you to break any stronghold and scheme in my life
53:53 that the devil has set up. Just take those down.
53:57 And do you see what I think
53:59 is really important in this statement.
54:01 Stronghold scheme that the devil set up in my life
54:04 because of my anger and unforgiveness.
54:08 I am not going back to the event not because of the molest.
54:12 Does anybody hear what I am saying.
54:14 Because the injury is no longer because of the molest.
54:16 The injury is there because of the anger.
54:20 The injury is there because for the unforgiveness.
54:23 And I ask you Lord to take back the ground
54:25 that I gave to the enemy who gave to the enemy,
54:30 I gave to the enemy because of my bitterness.
54:33 Take back that ground.
54:35 The Bible says, I will restore
54:36 what the locust has destroyed all of that kind of stuff.
54:38 And so I am really talking about those scriptures in this prayer.
54:43 And I yield that ground to your control.
54:47 So it's almost like I had a covenant
54:48 over here with a devil himself
54:51 because of the anger, because of the heart,
54:53 because of the bitterness and unforgiveness,
54:54 because of the molest, because of the injury,
54:57 and I have covenanted with the enemy
54:59 and it's a legal covenant.
55:01 If God you know the person that taught me
55:03 some of this stuff as an attorney.
55:04 And he said, if God chooses to step into an area
55:07 that you're holding on to unforgiveness
55:09 and bitterness and anger.
55:11 It's called the criminal interference on his part,
55:14 because I have covenant with the devil.
55:16 I have given him permission.
55:18 The devil could stand up and say you know
55:19 what she gave me this ground.
55:21 She gave me permission in her anger in her fear whatever.
55:24 This is mine and its almost like saying God,
55:28 I would like to, I would like to break that.
55:32 You know I know that you died to take all this.
55:38 Take it and what's really interesting to me
55:41 as soon as I got a visual of that--
55:44 that God wants to take it,
55:45 He wants us to surrender all that.
55:47 He wants us to give them all of that kind of junk
55:50 that we believed because of our injuries.
55:52 All of that stuff that I lied
55:54 to myself on a daily basis, He wants to--
55:57 He said I died for all of that give me all of that.
55:59 And soon as you actually do it in a honest way,
56:02 you're set free. It's just ridiculous,
56:04 because what if the Bible is true?
56:08 I just love that, so what I wanna encourage you
56:11 in any kind of recovery, in any kind of journey
56:14 that you're on, that when Christ taught us how to do it.
56:17 One of things that He taught us
56:19 clearly is the concept of forgiveness.
56:22 Don't ever think of that in a superficial way.
56:25 Don't ever think of that as something
56:27 that is just kind of a memory verse to say
56:32 you've to look at how He forgave us,
56:34 the extent that heaven went to


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Revised 2014-12-17