Pure Choices

Talking, Dating, Courting - What's The Difference?

Three Angels Broadcasting Network

Program transcript

Participants: Pr. Joshua Nelson (Host), Jeanne Mogusu, Kimberly Pearson, Kory P. Douglas, Marquis Jackson

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Series Code: PC

Program Code: PC000021


00:01 The following program discusses sensitive issues.
00:03 Parents are cautioned
00:04 that some material may be too candid
00:06 for younger children.
00:39 Hello, and welcome to Pure Choices.
00:41 I'm your host Pastor Joshua Nelson,
00:43 and I'm so excited again that you decided to join us.
00:45 We have a really good one for you today
00:47 as you can tell I'm kind of casual today.
00:49 We are gonna talk about a good subject on dating,
00:52 talking, courting what's the difference.
00:54 But before we go into our topic for today,
00:57 I'm gonna introduce to you our panel again.
00:59 To my left here we have Miss Kimberly Pearson,
01:03 the assistant chaplain of Oakwood University
01:06 and a good friend of mine.
01:07 And we also have Pastor Kory Douglas,
01:10 who is the pastor in Missouri
01:14 and he is pastoring the Grand Avenue
01:16 in New Life SDA church.
01:18 We also have Miss Jeanne Mogusu,
01:23 she is the president of the blasting Association
01:26 in the seminary, happy to have you here.
01:28 And we have Pastor Marquis Jackson,
01:30 who is the pastor in the Marian,
01:33 no I'm sorry, Manning and...
01:36 You already passed it now, something Maranatha, boy.
01:39 He's my friend, he's my friend, he's my friend,
01:41 it's like something Manning in South Carolina.
01:43 So we're happy to have this panel here today
01:46 and we're talking about dating.
01:48 That's a really important topic.
01:49 Talking, courting, you know, what's the difference?
01:52 But before we get into our topic,
01:53 I wanna read this letter that came in about this individual.
01:57 So let's read this here.
01:58 Yeah, all right.
02:02 He says, "I'm a sophomore in college
02:04 and I've been with a few girls so far.
02:07 I like to say, I'm just talking but they say we're dating.
02:11 I get tired of labeling my relationships
02:13 because they always end badly and then people get hurt.
02:18 Is it okay to just have some casual dates?
02:21 I mean, I'm not trying to get married right now.
02:23 What do you think?"
02:25 That's what we have to talk about.
02:26 Who wants to address it first?
02:28 Sounds like a lot, man. Yeah.
02:31 Go ahead.
02:33 I think the first thing to decide is,
02:34 "What is dating?"
02:35 like, we like to put all these labels
02:37 to relationships
02:39 but we haven't defined or communicated
02:40 what these labels are?
02:42 I don't even know if we are sure
02:43 'cause even in the letter he said,
02:45 "I'm talking to somebody. We have been on a few dates.
02:47 Is it just okay to date people? I just want to date casually."
02:50 But he just said, he was talking, I mean,
02:51 what's the difference between, you know, each one.
02:53 I mean, he even sounds a little bit confuse about
02:55 what they might be, so.
02:57 He sounds like he really understands.
02:59 That, yeah, the girls who are not understanding,
03:03 he like some people.
03:04 They are cool.
03:05 He just wants to get to know them.
03:07 The end.
03:08 Okay, let's just define, what he's talking?
03:10 I mean he says, he's just talking to them,
03:11 you know, what does that really mean?
03:14 Jackson, do you want to take that?
03:18 It depends on the person, you know,
03:20 you can be someone who's in a situation
03:23 where you're talking with people
03:24 but you're talking so many different people
03:26 but the level of talking is so great
03:28 that it may seem to the other person
03:31 that it's really building up more into what they're thinking
03:35 rather than what you might be thinking.
03:37 So I guess, was it ever a line established
03:40 of where they are going in this talking-dating situation.
03:45 Okay.
03:46 I think any time, I think any time
03:48 you're in a relationship
03:49 and one person is not clear on what is going on,
03:53 then someone is not being straight or forward
03:57 about what is really going on
03:59 because I think as long as you're two mature adults
04:04 because in my opinion dating, talking, courting
04:09 is for mature people.
04:12 As long as you're two mature adults,
04:14 you have to define what is going on.
04:16 If you don't define, you know,
04:18 we define that you're my brother,
04:21 you're my sister, and you're my father
04:23 every other relationship has definitional boundaries to it.
04:27 Why is it so, why is it that
04:29 when you want to get to know someone,
04:31 we try to be as ambiguous as possible.
04:34 Okay. It does not reflect well.
04:36 Okay, well, let me challenge,
04:38 let me just put out a little definition
04:39 of what I think it is.
04:41 You all challenge me if you think I'm wrong.
04:42 Okay, so talking, I would think talking is more of,
04:45 you're just in a relationship with this person possibly,
04:48 but you may be in relation with other people as well.
04:50 You're just getting to know them,
04:52 you're just kind of building a relationship
04:53 but it's no commitment.
04:55 Okay.
04:56 Dating would be where there is a commitment
04:58 and it's probably exclusive commitment
05:00 where you just being telling with that person.
05:02 You all are an item, okay, and then courting would be,
05:06 well, now you're saying yes with this exclusive person,
05:08 now we're looking forward to marriage, okay.
05:11 So, so...
05:14 Now would you agree that that's pretty much
05:16 the general understanding of what those terms are
05:19 or are they different understandings you think?
05:21 I would say that,
05:22 that is kind of the overarching understanding.
05:25 Oh, we are just talking that kind of means
05:27 we kind of like each other but there's nothing serious.
05:29 While I agree that may be the general terminology.
05:33 I think that, that is part of what creates the ambiguity
05:36 about where are we, you know.
05:40 What Jeanne said is that dating is for mature people.
05:42 I think we need to put some more definition to that
05:45 because everybody thinks they're mature.
05:47 "I'm mature enough to date."
05:48 Fifteen year olds, twelve year olds
05:50 are mature enough to date.
05:52 Yeah.
05:53 Dating is for people who want to get married.
05:54 If you are not ready to get married,
05:56 you don't need to be dating.
05:57 Okay, so...
05:59 And so what I want to say to that
06:00 is I think that talking is what initially
06:02 we should all be as friends.
06:04 Talking is friendship. We are all friends.
06:07 Then the dating process is getting to know people,
06:11 you know, in a more I guess,
06:13 "I'm checking you out kind of way"
06:15 but not exclusively,
06:16 you're not spending lots of time alone together.
06:19 Your group settings, you're hanging out,
06:21 they are meeting parents,
06:23 you're coming around family and friends together.
06:25 Then once you decide this is the kind of person
06:27 I want to marry, I feel like God is leading,
06:29 then you court them.
06:31 Okay, I'm still a little confused because,
06:34 and I don't know if I totally agree
06:35 because a date changes.
06:38 You know, today is a certain day
06:40 and then tomorrow it changes
06:41 so why wouldn't it be the same when I'm in a relationship?
06:44 Why should I have to be, you know, labeled as dating?
06:46 Just the terminology kind of seems weird to me,
06:48 you know, but yet now it's not,
06:49 "I'm suppose to be exclusive
06:51 but I'm just kind of exploring,"
06:52 I'm just trying to kind of see, you know, who's out there?
06:55 When do I ever do that,
06:56 and if I say, I'm talking then I look,
06:58 "Oh, you don't wanna make commitment."
06:59 Yeah.
07:01 But I think that's the reason for talking.
07:02 I'm gonna be honest.
07:03 This character has got me in a lot of trouble
07:05 and it probably will in the near future until,
07:07 you know, I have finally checked marriage
07:09 on my tax form
07:10 but, you know, talking to me
07:12 is just that exploring an option,
07:14 seeing who's out there, getting to know people,
07:16 you know, seeing if are we compatible, you know,
07:18 if we spend five minutes together, do I feel like,
07:21 you know, I want to, you know, just strangle you.
07:23 Do you make me
07:24 the happiest person in the world,
07:26 you know, within that time,
07:27 you know, but I don't see any reason
07:28 why we can't be doing that with more than one person,
07:31 you know, just getting to know you,
07:32 having a phone conversation here or there.
07:34 Seeing how the chemistry works, you know,
07:36 you don't wanna date somebody
07:38 who after talking to them three or four times
07:40 you have nothing to talk about,
07:41 you know, going forward is like,
07:43 "Okay, well, you know, maybe we should not date"
07:45 you know, but that's what I think talking is for.
07:47 Just like she says like being friends,
07:49 but you at least you know I'm interested a little bit
07:51 in the fact that I wanna kind of get to know you better.
07:53 Okay, I see, Jeanne, shaking her head
07:54 because I feel like there's something
07:56 that you may disagree with that.
07:57 I totally disagree with this talking business
08:00 and this is, this is why I disagree with it.
08:03 I just feel like some, most, a lot of times talking for men
08:08 has been used to have relationship benefits.
08:15 Yeah, relationship benefits without the commitment.
08:19 So you have someone who says you're talking
08:22 but literally treats you like he's your girlfriend,
08:25 you know, I mean, no, no, you're his girlfriend.
08:28 Yeah, so he does not want you seeing other people.
08:32 He does, so, whereas he would, of course,
08:35 he is exploring his options,
08:36 he wants to see you with only him.
08:39 He has issues with whatever he sees you with somebody else
08:42 or whenever you're getting close to someone,
08:44 I think the whole talking thing is, is, you know.
08:48 Trouble. Yeah, trouble in a bag.
08:51 We're talking about the definition on mature.
08:53 So if two people mature then that sort of something
08:57 that should be spoken about, you know,
08:58 I find you on a male to female perspective,
09:01 I find you as attractive young lady.
09:02 We have good conversation.
09:04 I'm enjoying our conversation
09:06 so that can let her know that it's conversation,
09:09 but if it's all boo'd up and, you know,
09:11 yoked up and stuff like that
09:12 and you just saying you are talking,
09:13 then that can bring a misperception
09:15 to the young lady which is dangerous,
09:16 so that's where the communication kicks in.
09:20 One thing I've learned in my relationship
09:22 with my girlfriend is communication
09:24 is very important
09:26 because once you don't have that communication,
09:28 misperceptions kick in,
09:30 and that's where the whole thing
09:31 starts to get really cloudy.
09:32 And I wanna say, I think that's a huge part of it.
09:35 A person who is ready to date needs to also be a person
09:38 who is ready to communicate, they need to be able to say,
09:42 "Hey, you know, I like getting to know you,"
09:43 or "hey, I'm not cool with that."
09:45 Because dating, okay,
09:46 so if I go buy a cell phone right
09:48 or buy something,
09:50 usually there's a term of agreement contract
09:52 that you have to sign.
09:53 Most of the time, let's be honest,
09:54 you like flip the pages, get to this line
09:56 and you sign it until something happens
09:59 and all of a sudden you're like,
10:00 "I didn't agree to that and I guess
10:02 it's in the terms of the contract.
10:03 So dating is the process
10:05 of reading the terms of agreement
10:07 to a life long contract
10:09 or marriage, you know, marriage.
10:11 But I wanna challenge that
10:13 'cause I think that in some cases,
10:16 you know, when a guy says to a girl,
10:20 "Will you be my girlfriend," she hears,
10:23 "Will you be my wife."
10:25 And I would add
10:26 and I've been on this experience,
10:28 I've been in a situation where I've expressly said,
10:31 you know, "Let's get to know each other,
10:33 let's be friends,
10:34 " and we'll talk for three weeks
10:36 and I promise you at the end of three weeks
10:37 I'll get the phone call and you always know
10:39 what is coming because they're like,
10:40 "You know, I really think
10:42 we should talk about something."
10:43 And I'm like "Oh, man,"
10:45 and they're like, "Well, you know,
10:46 what are we now?
10:47 And I'm like, "Well, three weeks ago we just said,
10:49 we were gonna talk and be friends and, you know,
10:51 it's only three weeks later, you know," or, you know,
10:54 you say, you know, "let's talk, let's be friends and then,
10:57 you know, in the background you're hearing parents saying
11:00 or whispers though, you want to Skype with that boy again?
11:03 You know, you want to phone him again?
11:04 And what are the cases and, you know.
11:06 They're adult later on.
11:07 Yeah, and see that's why I like talking
11:08 'cause the thing about talking is,
11:10 you know, there's no pressure, you know,
11:11 you don't, there's no meeting of parents, there's no all,
11:14 you know, this is my dad, you know,
11:16 we're just getting to know each other
11:17 but I have experience
11:18 where even though you have communicated well,
11:21 you have let them know the terms
11:23 for that period of time that a lot of women have babies
11:26 because of the pressures of finding a good man
11:29 that they're so quick to jump on it and say,
11:31 "Well, this is a relationship
11:32 and when can we go to the next level?
11:34 I'm ready to go to next level. I think I know you enough.
11:36 It's been three weeks."
11:37 Okay, so we're going hard on the girl.
11:39 Yeah, you are right.
11:40 I'm gonna let you off the fingers up there
11:42 because from my point of view we see, you know,
11:43 that you all just can't wait,
11:45 can't let the talking just be talking, you know.
11:47 No, but the question is, no the question then becomes,
11:49 "Okay, fine, you have expressly communicated
11:52 that you want to be just friends,
11:54 you want to just, you know, explore,
11:57 you know, where this could be you're interested in
11:59 and all of that stuff.
12:00 But the question is, "How have you been acting
12:03 in those three weeks?
12:04 Yeah, yeah, yeah, hallelujah.
12:06 Because you can't tell me, you know, actions, you know,
12:09 a little wise man wherever he may be,
12:11 I don't even know who he is said, you know,
12:13 "Actions speak louder than words."
12:15 So if your actions are demonstrating
12:18 something different to me,
12:20 then I'm gonna go much more by your actions
12:23 than what you tell me.
12:24 You can tell me all day long we're friends,
12:26 but if you're constantly holding my hand, you know,
12:29 yeah, I was trying to hold your hand, you know.
12:32 What are you trying to say to me?
12:36 Let me communicate, you know. Free choices, free choices.
12:38 Yeah, but, you know,
12:40 you are constantly holding my hand,
12:42 we are on the phone for hours late into the night, you know,
12:45 we're talking about marriage commitment issues,
12:49 you know, instead of just, "I want to know you.
12:52 What is your favorite color?"
12:53 You know, if we're delving into intimate knowledge
12:58 of one another
12:59 then what you're communicating and what you're doing
13:02 are two totally different things
13:04 and that's where you get confused.
13:06 But I think part of the issue is the older you get,
13:09 the less you want to do, "What's your favorite colors,
13:11 what kind of food do you like?"
13:14 You know, you get to the point where you're like,
13:16 "Listen, what are you about, this is what I'm about,
13:18 less, you know, move forward."
13:21 If you're talking to somebody for six months,
13:23 you know what that means.
13:25 Like, what point do you have you decided that,
13:28 okay this is what I'm looking for,
13:30 how long does it take you to figure out
13:32 that this is such a, and generally speaking like
13:34 they think I'm pretty fast.
13:35 Oh, no, that's not it.
13:36 But I think in addition to that,
13:38 there is this perception that when you're talking
13:40 you're on display.
13:42 I have to show you
13:43 how wonderful of a woman I am so that you will marry me.
13:47 So we turn into like the "Wifey" that's, you know,
13:50 we have these titles, "Oh, that's my wifey,
13:52 that's my boo," you know, "that's hubby
13:54 and we're not married
13:55 and we put ourselves into these roles
13:58 before we're ready and we're acting married
14:01 when we are really just still dating."
14:03 So all the perspective gets to you,
14:05 "We're talking
14:07 but I'm bringing you a plate at potluck,
14:08 " you know what I mean.
14:09 And, you know, all those different things.
14:11 Okay, so let's now, that's good what you're all saying
14:14 and I think it's a lot of it
14:15 is really addressing our age group and our issue
14:18 because, you know,
14:20 we're looking towards marriage, you know,
14:21 but what about the young person who's 15-16, you know,
14:24 and they're just saying, "Well, we're just dating,
14:27 " but the actions like you're saying maybe a little...
14:29 What do you say to them?
14:30 Is that a necessary step or should they even be dating
14:32 if you're that young?
14:34 I don't believe and maybe I am older cake
14:39 whatever you call it, I'm kind of old school,
14:41 but I honestly believe that by the time you're 15
14:44 you have absolutely no business
14:47 with spending one on one
14:50 intimate knowledge of one another,
14:52 "I want to get to know you," kind of time
14:54 with somebody of the opposite sex
14:56 and that is because what it does is,
14:59 it starts to breed in you this, you barely know who you are,
15:04 and so if your identity is constantly attached to,
15:08 "I am not a person unless
15:10 I have a man attached to my arm,
15:13 " you know, or, "I don't even know who I am,
15:15 I don't know who, you know, where I begin
15:18 and where they start,"
15:19 you know, where I end and where they begin,
15:23 then there's a problem in that
15:26 because then how do you get to the point
15:28 where you're mature enough to know this is who I am.
15:32 If you don't know yourself,
15:33 how do you expect somebody else to know you?
15:35 Right.
15:36 And that's basically the crux of the matter.
15:38 Well, you know, back when I was teaching
15:39 and I say this to my little brothers,
15:41 my cousin all the time,
15:42 you know, you say it just like your parents said to you,
15:44 you know, the people who you loved in high school,
15:47 you're probably not going to marry that person, you know,
15:49 the person who you dated, you know,
15:51 my first "love" was in eighth grade.
15:53 You know what I'm saying, now she's happily married,
15:55 you know, we're not together.
15:56 It's okay.
15:58 But how you view relationship, love,
16:02 intimacy changes over time, you know, and I think that,
16:06 you know, this is why it's so important to educate,
16:08 you know, the younger generation
16:09 of what is dating, what exactly is love.
16:12 I did a thing at a camp one time
16:13 and I asked these kids about 12 years old,
16:15 what is love and they were defining love
16:17 by holding hands.
16:18 It's that when you get to the point where, you know,
16:20 you really want to just kiss them on their cheek,
16:21 you know, you wanna hold their hands
16:23 and walk to the park or the case and I'm like,
16:25 you know, that is not love, you know,
16:26 but that's what we have associated relationship
16:29 with even if you look at society,
16:31 and I know we're talking about 15-16
16:33 but when we look at dating on television,
16:35 dating means sex, it means living together,
16:38 you know, at some point or you going to get a key.
16:40 You know, it means these things that look like marriage
16:44 that it doesn't look like dating,
16:46 it looks like marriage, you know,
16:47 and so, you know, we have to be more clear of how we define,
16:50 how we define dating.
16:51 Okay, so what's really wrong with doing like that?
16:53 You know, what's really wrong with them dating?
16:57 What is gonna transpire if they continue in this way?
17:00 I'm gonna ask Jackson on that.
17:02 Well, stipple back on what you all were saying is that...
17:06 Look, what I'm saying is that when you look at a relationship
17:10 with younger people, the biggest challenge is this,
17:12 and my mom one time told me about some people at church
17:15 and how they were together for two years
17:17 and she said, you know, "They are probably having sex."
17:19 I was like, "Mom, why do you say that?"
17:20 She said, "People just can't hold hands that long."
17:23 When you're talking about teenagers,
17:26 when you're talking about early teenager still forming,
17:29 still find themselves, and media and finances
17:32 and various things, it's gonna be hard for them
17:34 from the age of 15-16
17:36 till graduation of 22 years of age
17:40 and now we live in a society
17:41 where you have to start to pursue a masters
17:44 so you're now looking around 24-25
17:45 and for that 8 years just to be in a relationship
17:49 without that will cause a lot of priming of emotions
17:53 that they had to hold it back down
17:55 and in their timeframe
17:56 emotions, hormones, testosterone.
17:59 When I was a teenager,
18:01 my testosterone was strong and so it's like...
18:07 Testify.
18:11 And for eight years it's gonna be tough.
18:13 Yeah.
18:15 And so it's gonna cause eventually.
18:16 They are young men or young women teenagers
18:21 to hopefully we don't want it to happen
18:24 but it's unfortunately leading that way.
18:27 I think part of the problem is we've created a culture
18:29 of secret dating where if I like you,
18:32 I pass you a note maybe inbox on Facebook,
18:35 we talk, we go alone moments together often.
18:39 And if you look at old school dating
18:40 when you were dating it was called,
18:42 you were caught, someone was calling for you.
18:44 They came to your house, they sat in your living room
18:47 with your family, you know,
18:48 and you got to know each other in a setting,
18:50 you know, where there were other people.
18:52 If you look at marriages, especially biblical marriages,
18:54 there were other people involved
18:56 than just those two people.
18:58 There was family, there was community,
18:59 you know, but there were other people involved inside,
19:02 think if we take dating out of this exclusive,
19:05 "I just want to be up under you,"
19:07 type of mentality, Josh, why you move?
19:10 I'm just saying.
19:12 That's up here. Hey, no.
19:14 I'm using you as an example.
19:16 You know, if you take it out of that,
19:19 "I want to be alone with you all the time," mentality,
19:21 it removes some of the heaviness of dating
19:25 and you got a lot to get to know each other
19:27 at like socials and game nights and those things
19:29 which make dating fun and there's a less heartbreak,
19:32 there's a less early attachment,
19:35 you know, there so I really think
19:37 that if we start to take the shame,
19:40 take the secretiveness off of dating,
19:43 it will really help to open up the lines of communication
19:45 for everybody involved.
19:46 Okay, well, that is a little tough though,
19:48 but I think Kory want to add something to that before.
19:50 Well, I'm actually glad that she said heartbreak
19:52 because, you know, I think one of the things
19:54 that we wanna save them from, one thing is that, you know,
19:58 they have this danger of falling
19:59 into is experiencing heartbreak at such a young age
20:03 and having to go through it so many times,
20:05 you know, when I can say the amount of people
20:07 I've dated in high school till now
20:09 and even the fact that, you know,
20:11 I feel like I've been married
20:13 at least three times in my life,
20:14 you know, like I had relations that were that deep
20:16 and I feel like I've even been divorced that many times.
20:19 You know, there is no reason why at a young age
20:21 I should have to go through the divorce process
20:23 of grieving, I've lost a loved one,
20:26 and this person was such a major part of my life.
20:28 Now been taken out of my life.
20:30 Somebody I was so dependent on, you know,
20:32 now no longer been around,
20:34 and I think we can say there's been a lot of heartbreak, man,
20:37 if they would just date
20:38 a little bit later in life and not so early.
20:40 Okay.
20:41 And I think another thing that we need to recognize
20:43 is that we're not saying that if you are 15-16 you shouldn't,
20:47 that you cannot spend time
20:49 with people of the opposite sex,
20:51 you know, we are created for relationships.
20:54 God created us so that way we crave it, you know,
20:58 it's almost like an innate part of ourselves
21:01 and so to tell someone, you know, don't, don't,
21:04 don't spend time with that, it's unrealistic
21:06 and so what we're saying
21:08 is spend time with people of the opposite sex
21:12 in a more informed manner, in a more open way,
21:16 and it's not a matter of exclusivity, in fact,
21:19 it's a matter of inclusivity.
21:21 You wanna include other people in that learning to grow,
21:26 because if you're 15 or 16
21:27 you need to not just learn about who you are,
21:30 but you need to learn about
21:31 how you interact with people of the opposite sex,
21:34 you know, and that will save you
21:36 a lot of trouble, you know, when you're older
21:38 and you are now, you know, ready to get into marriage
21:42 it'll save you from having that awkwardness
21:44 if you can't talk to guys or you can't talk to girls,
21:47 you know, so it is a natural process of growth
21:51 but we're saying go through the natural process of growth.
21:55 Don't try to hurry it up, you know,
21:57 don't try to be grown up and mature when you're just 15
22:00 because you lose a lot of,
22:03 a lot of lessons in their hurrying up, you know.
22:07 Well, that will be true but it's also pretty tough
22:10 and a lot of the 15-16 year olds now
22:12 or even 13 year olds
22:14 are actually having to grow up faster
22:15 than maybe they did before.
22:16 Yeah.
22:18 You know, so what, I mean, if they're watching now
22:19 what were they really be able to say this is,
22:21 these are the steps that I need to take,
22:23 you know, at this age, you know,
22:26 this is what I need to do, you know.
22:27 As a child my parents, my parents divorced
22:30 when I was like five years old.
22:33 So there was a television show that I saw
22:35 that the way they live,
22:37 it was really something that in my mind
22:39 I tried to I want to replicate a model after,
22:42 but it's a TV show that lasts only 30 minutes
22:44 and I'm not even talking about commercial breaks.
22:46 So when those things happen, you put a falsification
22:50 and with television so powerful,
22:52 they call it the one eye monster,
22:53 and we find ourselves watching
22:55 and based on gross with it, it's dangerous.
22:57 That's my passion, you know, as a pastor of the church
23:01 to combine with younger people have energy,
23:03 older people have wisdom.
23:05 With the younger people they can finish,
23:06 they're gonna finish the work,
23:08 older people need to infuse to them wisdom.
23:09 Right.
23:10 And with that also we're infusing to them
23:12 not only with biblically
23:13 but we also infusing to them wisdom
23:15 or how to carry the affairs of life
23:17 and that's also biblical because if not the case,
23:20 then young people, younger generation
23:22 are gonna find themselves watching television
23:24 rather than being comfortable at home,
23:26 and if there is no mother and father in the home
23:28 then why not the church?
23:30 Okay.
23:31 And so we have to do stuff like that.
23:32 All right.
23:34 You know, the question was,
23:35 "How do young people practically date,
23:39 talk, court and I think...
23:41 And what's gonna be the sequence?
23:42 I think the first part is intentionality.
23:46 What is your intention in dating?
23:48 Why do you wanna date?
23:50 Are you wanting to date because you feel like
23:52 God has called you into marriage?
23:53 Are you wanting to date 'cause you're lonely
23:55 'cause all your friends got boyfriends
23:57 or you want to date because you,
23:59 you know you, you need to fulfill a void.
24:01 Is it you feel like something's missing,
24:03 there's no mom or dad or I want to do it different
24:06 than my parents did
24:07 or I want to be just like my parents
24:08 or you know, why the intentionality?
24:11 Why are you trying to date?
24:12 Then if you really believe that you were in a place
24:15 where you're now ready to date, to marry,
24:18 then the second thing is the impact.
24:20 What is the impact of dating
24:21 gonna have on my life right now.
24:23 Am I in a place where I'm doing what God is calling me to do?
24:26 If I'm gonna be involved in ministry,
24:28 am I focusing on ministry, am I focusing on school,
24:32 is it gonna distract me from the goals
24:34 that God has for my life?
24:36 If dating is gonna cause a negative impact,
24:38 you probably shouldn't do it.
24:39 And the last one is inclusion.
24:41 When you're now ready to date, include your friends,
24:44 include your family in what you're doing
24:46 because they know you well, they know you better than...
24:48 And I know sometimes your friends know you better
24:50 than your family, you know,
24:51 you spend so much time with them.
24:53 So go out with friends, go out with people,
24:55 don't spend so much time boo'd up on the couch,
24:58 you know, take in and love in and, you know,
25:00 just spending time with each other.
25:02 Include other people, get out there,
25:05 do things together, get to know each other,
25:07 and have very open honest dialogue
25:09 about the direction of the relationship.
25:11 Okay.
25:12 And the church really needs to play a part
25:14 in really creating those environments
25:15 for younger people.
25:16 They need to really showing them hey, we're obviously,
25:18 you know, we're always trying to find
25:19 that one person kind of get boo'd up whatever,
25:21 you know, with that person but if the church is saying,
25:22 "Look that's not the best way to do it.
25:23 This is the best way for you to do it,"
25:25 and that's kind of what I want us
25:26 to really nail down here,
25:28 so if I'm about between what 10 to 15 or something
25:30 and I'm looking at girls now or I'm looking at guys now,
25:33 this should be the phase where I'm just
25:35 getting to know people, right?
25:36 I'm just in a group...
25:38 Friends.
25:39 Yeah, I may like you but I'm not going to really go
25:40 exclusive with you,
25:42 we're just gonna be friends, okay.
25:43 There's this one church I read about in the city
25:47 and they have some call like a purity call and they have,
25:49 you know, young men, young women
25:51 they are in an environment
25:53 where they are around each other
25:54 but it's also monitored.
25:56 So it's a way that they can learn
25:59 how to interact male and female,
26:01 but also how to respect each other
26:04 and it's not something that's very,
26:06 it's not gonna build up compromising situation.
26:08 Okay, that's so true. Kory, go ahead.
26:11 Well, you know, just to kind of bring it all together
26:13 and now you're back to the top
26:14 where we were distinguishing between what's dating,
26:16 what's talking, what's courting.
26:18 You know, I believe that's important that
26:19 after these young people get to that age
26:21 where they believe they're mature enough,
26:23 you know, they can finally go one on one
26:25 that they have to be open and they have to communicate,
26:27 you know, we've learned today
26:29 that there're different definitions.
26:30 People who call talking one thing, dating one thing,
26:32 courting, you know,
26:33 and so it's important to distinguish
26:35 and to be able to tell each other,
26:37 "This what I think it is, this what, you know,
26:38 what do you think it is?"
26:40 And to figure out together where they are
26:42 and to move forward communicating all the time,
26:45 you know, well, we're just friends now,
26:46 you know, we're talking now
26:48 but that communication is important.
26:49 Okay, and, Jeanne, real quick? Yeah.
26:51 I was just, there's something that we need to make sure
26:54 we don't forget.
26:55 As long as you're treating the person
26:56 that you're getting into a relationship with
26:58 as if they, not as if
27:00 because they are made in the image of God,
27:02 you need to give them the same level of respect,
27:05 that identity, you know, demands
27:10 so if you're constantly aware that this is someone in the,
27:13 maybe in the image of God, you want to treat them as such,
27:16 you want to give them that level of respect.
27:18 I'm not gonna, if I know
27:20 you're made in the image of God,
27:21 I'm not going to necessarily put you in situations
27:24 that are going to compromise our relationship, you know,
27:29 because I am always aware that, you know,
27:31 God's image is replicated in our relationship.
27:34 All right, that's beautiful.
27:35 And that wraps it up for our program today.
27:37 I just wanna end with this quote from Solomon,
27:39 "I charge you do not arouse or awaken love
27:41 until it is time."
27:43 Remember that you are a child of the king,
27:45 you have to just wait for God
27:46 and He will bring you that love when it is time.
27:49 Well, thank you, guys, so much.
27:50 Until next time remember to make pure choices.


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Revised 2017-05-01