Participants: Brittany-Hill Morales (Host), Jacques LaGuerre, Myesha Lawson, Timothy Lawson, Xavier Morales
Series Code: PC
Program Code: PC000095A
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00:01 The following program discusses sensitive issues.
00:04 Parents are cautioned that some material 00:06 may be too candid for younger children. 00:42 Hello there. 00:43 Welcome to today's program, Pure Choices. 00:46 I am your host Brittany Hill-Morales. 00:49 Today, we have a really good one for you. 00:52 And here is my wonderful and awesome panel, 00:55 starting with Myesha Lawson. 00:56 Hello. 00:58 My husband Xavier Morales, 01:00 Myesha's husband Timothy Lawson, 01:03 and Jacques LaGuerre. 01:06 Today, our topic is going to be about That Word. 01:11 Before we jump straight into it, let us pray. 01:15 Dear Kind Most Heavenly Father, today, Lord, we will pray 01:18 that You will be with us here as part of this panel 01:21 and you'll also be with the viewers at home 01:23 that Your Holy Spirit will just guide us, 01:25 in Jesus' name, amen. 01:27 Amen. 01:29 I'm going to start by reading a poem called 01:31 "That Word" by Cynthia War 01:34 and it goes like this. 01:36 "A word that means so much can also mean so little. 01:40 A word that stands for much that can also be so fickle. 01:44 A word that promises excitement from one particular person, 01:49 a word that destroys your life 01:51 when the wrong card is dealt in. 01:54 I know this word and it knows me. 01:56 For a long time, it was my bestie. 01:59 I learnt from it and it broke me down. 02:02 I wanted to get away from it, but I didn't know how. 02:06 The cravings, the cravings, oh, how I loved it. 02:10 They drove me insane but I couldn't stop it. 02:13 That word, that word, I couldn't resist it. 02:18 I wanted that word and it wanted me. 02:21 I started out, learnt its face, and for a long time 02:24 nothing could take its place 02:27 until I found myself without self-respect. 02:30 Something I couldn't believe, I let myself forget. 02:34 This word, this word, what does it really mean? 02:38 Does it really promise excitement 02:40 that will last for eternity? 02:43 This word, this word, it's not what it seems. 02:46 The feeling you get never last that long, 02:48 it's actually quite fleeting, 02:50 constantly chasing something I cannot obtain. 02:52 It was then I knew it was time to stop and try God again. 02:58 That word that meant so much, 03:00 it no longer has its claw on me. 03:03 With God in my life, I'm finally free to be able 03:07 to walk amongst others without feeling small, 03:09 knowing we all have problems, and only God can judge us all. 03:14 That word has been replaced with something new. 03:17 I think you will find it quite fitting 03:19 since I know you're probably looking for it too 03:23 but only God can deliver it, only He can give it to you, 03:27 that word is love, true love that only He can bring. 03:31 He will give it to you 03:33 if you bring flesh as an offering. 03:35 So take your time and think it through, 03:38 what does that word mean to you." 03:42 Well, panel, today that word that our artist 03:47 was just she'd begun with was basically taking about sex 03:51 and having a sex addiction. 03:53 And I guess my first question is for you guys, 03:56 what does it mean to have a sex addiction? 04:02 Well, I feel like for something 04:03 to be classified as an addiction, 04:06 it needs to lead you to unhealthy behaviors. 04:09 And so what I feel like sex addiction 04:11 is any type of sexual expression that leads 04:16 to unhealthy behavior, you know? 04:19 So if you are missing work or if you are using 04:24 all this money to gratify this desire, 04:27 you are not paying your bills or if it's causing a rift 04:30 between you and your spouse or your relationship with God, 04:33 anything like that, I'd say is an addiction. 04:37 Sex addiction to me is something 04:40 that you are constantly doing. 04:43 It's a practice that can change your life 04:47 or ruin your life and your mental state as well. 04:51 It is something that can be overly stimulated, 04:56 and it can affect your mental and your physical. 05:00 I think the word addiction in itself is just, you know, 05:03 something that completely takes over your life 05:06 that you can't function. 05:08 Obviously, we have heard a different addictions, 05:10 but in relations to sex addiction, 05:13 you know, it's both... 05:15 Obviously it's sex, and it's something that, again, 05:18 overwhelms you to the point where if you don't have it 05:20 for that day, your day is just going to be off. 05:27 I think an addiction is something that causes 05:30 imbalance in the body to the extent 05:33 that it changes the chemical makeup 05:36 and the brain in such a way that now that person 05:40 is totally dependent on this addiction. 05:44 They have to have it, otherwise they go through 05:46 some type of withdraws in the mind and the body. 05:49 And in the case of sex, it would have to do 05:51 with probably the dopamine receptors 05:54 and the reward center of the brain. 05:57 I would add, it's more... 05:58 it's an obsessive compulsive relationship 06:02 that like maybe a person, an object, or an experience 06:06 for the sole purpose of sexual gratification. 06:10 So let me just throw this in here. 06:12 There are some people who would say, "No, no, no. 06:15 I do not have a sex addiction. 06:17 I just have a very high sex drive." 06:20 What's the difference between a high sex drive 06:22 and a sexual addiction? 06:24 Tim? 06:26 Well, I think the major difference 06:29 is there are some people who engage in sex 06:32 because they are married. 06:33 They are enjoying their marriage covenant thing, 06:35 they engage in it, have it frequently 06:36 and not frequently, they do. 06:38 And there are some who engage in it, 06:40 we call it fornication. 06:42 They engage in it just for fun, just for recreation. 06:46 They do it, you know, they may do it frequently, 06:49 but there's not necessarily a dependence on it. 06:53 And then there are some people who engage in it 06:56 and this thing has control over their lives. 07:00 They have to have it. 07:01 If they do not have it, they go through withdrawals. 07:05 And so each category is meeting a need, 07:09 but the person that is addicted will do anything to get it. 07:14 They go through withdrawals if they can't have it. 07:17 And they have to have this need fulfilled 07:20 or almost there is even anger that comes afterwards. 07:26 Between the two is the addiction 07:29 is you are never satisfied, okay? 07:33 I watched something on TV once, 07:37 and the woman was married, 07:40 but when she would have lovemaking with her husband, 07:45 she was never satisfied. 07:47 I mean, she couldn't sleep even after. 07:51 And then she would ask her husband like, 07:53 "Are you ready again?" 07:55 And he's like, "Wife, we just, you know, we just finished." 08:00 And she is like, "Ugh, okay." 08:01 She has an attitude after that. 08:04 And then next, she sees a guy that she is attracted to, 08:08 and automatically she has intercourse with him. 08:13 And then she goes to her husband that night 08:16 and have intercourse with him. 08:17 So she kept going back and forth, back and forth. 08:20 And so I think those are the two different... 08:22 She was never satisfied. 08:24 I think, you know, having a high sex drive 08:27 does not constitute you to, 08:30 you know, go out and do whatever. 08:33 Having a high sex drive just means, 08:35 you know, you might... 08:37 Like for example, some men might 08:38 mass produce testosterone, 08:40 so that will constitute a high sex drive. 08:42 But when you talk about sex addiction, 08:44 that is just something that, you know, 08:46 you are allowing it to control you, 08:48 whereas in high sex drive, 08:50 you can be an acknowledgement of that sex drive, 08:52 and understand it and be okay with it. 08:54 But an addiction like sex addiction, you know, 08:58 you are completely acknowledging the fact 09:00 that you have an issue but yeah, 09:01 you are just going to go ahead and do it anyway 09:02 just for self-gratification purposes. 09:06 Okay. 09:08 I did some research, 09:10 and they were saying some of the... 09:11 As you guys were saying, the inability to stop 09:14 despite all the consequences that happen. 09:18 Being so obsessed that it's like 09:19 your primary coping strategy. 09:22 If you are feeling sad or overwhelmed, 09:24 the first thing I'm going to go to 09:26 is sex to get that satisfaction, 09:28 to feel better, to feel like my life is worth living. 09:31 So what if someone says, 09:33 "Okay, it is not a sex addiction. 09:34 Trust me, I would know. 09:36 It's just my natural expression of sex." 09:40 Xavier? 09:42 This is an example, you know, coping mechanisms 09:46 like you said is not natural. 09:49 It's not natural because I was addicted 09:52 to pornography for a long time, 09:55 and it would get to the point that... 09:57 Even as a Christian, I was still addicted, 10:00 even, you know, going through seminary, 10:02 part of seminary experience, 10:04 I was still addicted to pornography. 10:06 And it's an addiction because my brain, you know, 10:11 my spiritual side, the Bible, everything was there 10:14 to tell me, "No, this is wrong," 10:16 but my brain was like, you know, just do it anyway 10:18 because I got to get it over with, you know, 10:20 just as something... 10:21 If I did not do anything about it, 10:24 I would not function properly. 10:26 And so that is where it comes in where it was just... 10:29 I just had to do it just because 10:30 it was an automatic thing to do, 10:32 especially if I was sad or depressed. 10:35 I like that thing about what Xavier said 10:37 that's a highlight and a key for addiction 10:41 for a person thinking, "Oh, this is not..." 10:43 Can your life function regularly and properly 10:46 without this thing? 10:48 And some people say, "Oh, I can stop it any time." 10:50 Well, stop then, you know, and see because the addiction, 10:55 a person thinking they are not addicted, 10:57 they will find out without this thing, 11:00 they can't function properly, maybe they can't think properly 11:03 or maybe their emotions won't be the same 11:05 until they run back to this thing 11:08 and then that thing makes them feel secure, 11:10 it makes them feel all right. 11:12 And sin general is very addictive in its nature. 11:18 And so even if you take Tim's counsel 11:20 and you try to stop and you can, 11:23 that will just make you a little bit more comfortable. 11:27 That's not to say that you should keep going. 11:28 That means you should stop for good 11:31 because sex addiction or any addiction, 11:33 it starts off small, you know, 11:35 you just have a drink every now and then, wine with dinner, 11:39 you can control it, you know, you got a promotion, you know, 11:42 "Let's have a couple beers, let's do this, 11:44 I'm just going to watch pornography a little bit, 11:47 I'm just going to fornicate once or twice." 11:49 And then you start to get an appetite for sin, 11:53 and you want more and more and more. 11:55 And so even if you are not clinically addicted right now, 12:00 if you keep on going down that path, 12:02 it's only a matter of time 12:03 until it is a full-blown addiction. 12:05 So true. So, so true. 12:08 So would you guys say there are different types 12:10 or maybe even levels of danger when it comes to sex addiction? 12:15 Definitely. Definitely? 12:17 Well, absolutely. 12:18 What about the... 12:20 Let's list a few different types of addictions. 12:23 How about the seductive rule sex addiction? 12:27 Well, yes, in my former life as being a dancer 12:32 and a working girl, 12:34 I was addicted to being seductive. 12:37 I mean, the way I walked, the way I talked, 12:41 the way I dressed, just everything about me 12:44 was being seductive, you know, that was my job, 12:48 that's who I became, that was my life. 12:53 So I was addicted to all the attention 12:55 that I was getting to become this person 12:59 of being seductive. 13:01 And what about anonymous sex? 13:05 Well, there's a certain high you get 13:06 when you engage in that type of behavior 13:09 because you don't have to put any of the work of intimacy 13:12 and actually caring for the girl, you know. 13:14 And in my own experience as well, 13:16 you just kind of go to a bar, you go to club, you say xyz, 13:21 you know, you buy those girls a drink, 13:23 and then you guys just go and have sex. 13:26 And so that behavior becomes addictive 13:27 because it's a rush, it's a high. 13:31 You are doing things that you've seen on TV, 13:33 you've seen it in movies, 13:34 and now you are kind of experiencing it, 13:36 and you are like, "I am movie star." 13:38 You know, and that's what the devil starts to whisper 13:41 in your ears like the same lie that he whispered to Eve, 13:45 you know, and to Adam, "You will be a god." 13:49 And so that anonymous sex, it makes you feel like a God. 13:52 And you feel worshipped, but worship's only for God. 13:56 And so that's how someone can get addicted 13:58 to anonymous sex. 14:00 And how dangerous is that anonymous sex? 14:02 You are just having sex with random people, 14:04 you don't really know their name, 14:05 so if something happens... 14:08 Well, yeah, I mean, there's STDs as well, you know, 14:11 there's unexpected pregnancies. 14:14 I mean, you don't know anything about this person, 14:17 not only this person can have an addiction themselves, 14:23 you never know what it is. 14:24 I mean, they could be a murderer, 14:26 you know, or a person, you know, 14:29 that goes out and finds girls and rape them, 14:32 you know, and they could be just addicted to that. 14:35 And me and my wife, we watched a documentary 14:38 where a person was having anonymous sex, 14:39 met somebody over the Internet, 14:41 and went out to see him, and then come to find out 14:43 the guy was lying the whole time, 14:45 and he forced the girl into prostitution. 14:49 And so, you know, there's all kind of danger, 14:51 I'm sure we can remember all kind of serial killer cases 14:55 where a guy, you know, who need a girl and, you know, 14:58 maybe they will sleep together or prostitute, 15:00 and then he would murder her. 15:01 So there's also real life-threatening danger 15:03 in that. 15:05 And that's also actually one type of sex addiction, 15:07 it's called intrusive sex. 15:09 You know, with that... 15:11 As my former life as a police officer, 15:14 I worked a lot of cases like that 15:15 where the man was just, he... 15:18 And there's females like that too. 15:20 It's not just, you know, just men but obviously, 15:22 predominantly you see the males, you know, 15:25 for this control issue, this aggression, 15:28 you know, mixed in with sex. 15:29 They would only get gratification... 15:31 They wouldn't get gratification just from regular sex, 15:33 they have to force themselves, you know, 15:35 and break into the home, and, you know, it was very graphic. 15:39 And then you also have their females, 15:41 who were actually called the black widows. 15:44 You know, that was the terminology 15:45 that was used often was black widows 15:47 to the point where there was, you know, do the seduction 15:51 and they would, you know, essentially do the... 15:54 They will rape, they will find a way 15:56 to rape the man by drugging him or tying him up. 15:59 And so we have both extremes in society, 16:03 both male and female that would, you know, 16:07 exert dyscontrol because... 16:09 And they use sex as a method of control. 16:13 You know, another type of sex addiction 16:14 is like pain exchange. 16:16 They have the bondage 16:17 and how people are addicted to that. 16:19 They even have those special places 16:20 where you can go, and it's kind of a like a mix 16:22 of anonymous plus pain exchange 16:25 because you can go in there and... 16:26 Oh, you something to say, Myesha. 16:28 Yeah, I do. I have experienced. 16:35 Like I said, I used to be an escort 16:39 and a guy wanted pain instead of, 16:44 you know, being entertained in another form. 16:47 But it was odd for me for him to ask if I could, 16:54 you know, give him pain. 16:57 And I'm like, "I don't do that, you know, 17:01 that's something that's not really normal 17:04 to me right now." 17:05 And of course, I left because it was just something 17:10 I never experienced. 17:11 So it was out of the norm. 17:13 And for some people, it goes deeper 17:15 because I remember this girl, you know, 17:18 back in the day that I was involved with. 17:20 And she had to have pain mixed with that. 17:23 And then come to find out, it was because 17:26 her first experience was painful, 17:29 and there was a rape. 17:30 And so deep-seated in her mind, she just associated, you know, 17:34 sexual activity with pain and thought it was normal. 17:39 And, you know, had to have this pain 17:42 come about, and so that's how she got her, 17:45 you know, high and things. 17:47 And it's crazy how I would say the devil works 17:50 that such a painful experience 17:52 that she had would make her thrive 17:55 and even want to experience it again and again and again. 17:58 And there are so many different forms 18:00 of sex addiction. 18:01 We've talked a little bit about pornography 18:03 and we talked about intrusive... 18:04 There's also like object sex, being addicted to having sex 18:08 with objects, and you have people 18:10 who are addicted to having sex with animals, 18:12 and people who are addicted having sex with children. 18:16 There's so many different types, 18:17 it's crazy how God intended for our sexuality 18:22 to a beautiful thing. 18:24 And it has been so distorted in such a crazy fashion. 18:29 So I guess my next question is as a Christian 18:33 and we realize, "Okay, I heard you 18:35 did those different things. 18:36 You are right, it's not just a natural expression, 18:40 and you are right I don't just have a high sex drive, 18:43 what should I do as a Christian who has a sex addiction? 18:48 Should I go to counseling? 18:50 Should I, you know, an SAA group or should I just, 18:53 you know, stay home in a corner and try to pray it away?" 18:59 Go ahead. 19:00 I think one of the cliché answers to that would be 19:04 go home and pray about it. 19:06 But what we talked about earlier, you know, 19:09 Tim mentioned it earlier about, you know, 19:12 how much it affects your brain chemistry, 19:14 your neurological aspect, and we don't understand 19:17 that neurologically you're messed up, 19:20 you have a chemical imbalance. 19:23 And while some people don't believe in medicine, 19:25 modern medicine does sometimes have to play in that. 19:29 For example, serotonin based antidepressants that would, 19:33 you know, basically work with the synopsis of the brain 19:36 to kind of get the brain back in sync the way it needs to be, 19:40 and that can be, obviously, in a Christian center 19:42 accompanied by prayer, accompanied by community, 19:45 accompanied by support. 19:46 But you can't just go home... 19:48 And addiction, you cannot just go home and pray it off. 19:51 Because it could be, like you said, 19:52 it could be a really serious case 19:54 where your brain is just off, and don't just go and say, 19:58 "May I have this?" 20:00 Probably go to a counselor and have that 20:01 really checked out before you just jump on it. 20:05 In my own experience with recovery 20:06 from sexual addiction, 20:08 I was addicted to pornography for over a decade. 20:11 When I gave my life to Christ, 20:13 I used the old and tried cliché method. 20:16 You know, I was a soldier stationed 20:18 at Fort Bragg, North Carolina, 20:20 and I decided that I wanted to be free 20:23 from sexual addiction and all I had 20:27 and all I needed was prayer. 20:28 You know, I went on my knees, I prayed, 20:31 I asked God for victory, 20:32 you know, 'cause I understood that this warfare, 20:35 it was not carnal, it was not something 20:37 that I could see, it was spiritual. 20:39 I was fighting against demons. 20:41 And so I asked God to show me what it is He wanted me to do. 20:45 And through the course of my recovery, 20:47 God led me into a lot of different reforms, 20:50 God changed my diet, God changed the music 20:54 I listened to, God changed so many things 20:57 that led me to victory. 20:59 Personally, I never used any medication 21:02 to restore that chemical imbalance. 21:06 I just used prayer, and fasting, 21:08 and reading the Bible, 21:09 and reading the Spirit of Prophecy. 21:12 I think that when God wants to change you, 21:16 He wants to change you all the way, you know, 21:17 you're mind and your emotions, 21:19 physically, you know, and spiritually. 21:21 So if you are addicted, sin affects you down 21:25 to the core of who you are even in your day and night 21:29 because the Bible talks about your sinful traits 21:31 can be passed on, you know, to your offspring. 21:34 And so something like an addiction to something, 21:37 and a lot of sins are addictions, 21:41 they can't just be clichéd away. 21:44 You have to really get help, whatever is causing you 21:48 to do the addiction, you need to starve that 21:51 so you don't feed that addictive nature. 21:53 But also there is a reason why you do this addiction. 21:56 There's some problem, there's some void, 21:59 there's some emptiness, and you need to go 22:02 to the correct people that God will lead you to 22:05 to deal with these issues. 22:06 I don't think it's something mostly 22:09 that you can deal with on your own 22:10 because God works through people. 22:12 We have the Bible 22:14 because God worked through other men. 22:16 And so you need to solve all these issues, 22:19 your spiritual, you know, mental, emotional, 22:22 and your physical, 22:24 and I think that's the way God's going to hear you, 22:26 and I think those are the principles. 22:28 But for each person, God might take them 22:30 through different steps 22:32 because they are different people as well. 22:34 And I think one thing to remember... 22:36 What I just recently learnt is sex arousal 22:39 is neurological and the body just complies with it. 22:43 So these things like start with your mind, 22:45 and sex addiction is one of those things 22:48 that requires a lifetime to constantly recover 22:51 and deal with because you may think, 22:52 "Okay, I'm okay," and then something happens 22:54 and something triggers it 22:56 and you are on the cycle all over again. 22:59 And something what another friend has told me 23:02 based on his experience is, 23:04 "Sex addiction doesn't just stop, 23:07 it builds and builds and builds." 23:09 You stop for a minute and then if you go back to it, 23:11 it builds on what you previously had learnt 23:13 and experienced. 23:15 And I guess for our viewers out there 23:17 is to really ask yourself, "Do I have a sex addiction? 23:21 What is going on with me? 23:23 What are the forms of sex addiction 23:24 am I experiencing or a part of? 23:26 What can I do to even help others 23:28 in my community to be able to really deal with this issue 23:33 and not just hide it under a carpet 23:35 but to really go out and say, 'You know what, 23:38 devil, we know you are trying to use 23:39 what God intended for good for bad, 23:43 but we're going to take it back and we are going to help 23:44 and support each other.'" 23:46 So I guess that's another question, 23:48 how can we support Christian sex addicts? 23:54 What can we do? 23:55 The first thing is the church needs to become 23:59 a place of community of acceptance 24:03 and not of the sin but of the sinner, 24:06 you know, of creating a support because there is no sin 24:10 greater than another, and creating, you know, 24:13 this accountability group. 24:15 And I know through the Adventist church, 24:17 there is such a community or a faith-based group 24:20 in the church that they deal with this. 24:24 It's kind of like they meet up and gather together, 24:27 and they talk about the addiction, 24:29 they express the addiction, 24:32 and they support each other through it, you know, 24:34 accountability and things of that nature too. 24:36 So finding that proper support group too is important. 24:40 I don't... 24:41 Go ahead, guys. 24:43 No, you can go. Okay. 24:44 I don't sanction anyone trying to heal the person mentally 24:49 or emotionally if that's not their field of expertise. 24:53 But what everybody can do is be there for a person. 24:59 You wouldn't imagine the benefits it is 25:02 of knowing you can always call somebody 25:04 and talk to them and they can listen 25:07 and not judge you and understand 25:10 what you are going through, and also the spiritual aspect 25:13 of praying with the person or sending them scriptures 25:16 at a time and just being somebody 25:19 who's available to that person. 25:24 I'd also say, also being intentional 25:26 and celebrating their small victories. 25:29 If you realize a week is gone by, 25:31 "Hey," send a text message. 25:32 "Congratulations, it's been a week 25:33 that you have been free from your problems 25:36 for this week," or "it's been a month, 25:38 good job. 25:40 Keep on going forward. 25:41 God is going to help you, just keep on pushing forward." 25:44 And go ahead, Jacques. 25:45 And for those that are struggling 25:47 with any sorts of addictions that are fed 25:49 through the Internet or through the computer, 25:51 or through your smartphone or anything like that, 25:54 there's a number of accountability softwares 25:56 that are out there where you download the software 26:00 on your computer or on your smartphone 26:03 and then you chose an accountability partner, 26:05 someone you trust, like what Tim was saying, 26:08 you know, someone that you respect, 26:09 someone that you trust, 26:11 someone that you know won't judge you, 26:12 and you give them your account information, 26:15 and then every couple days, it will email that person 26:18 all the websites you visited and even though 26:20 that's not going to give you victory, 26:22 having someone else that you know is there 26:23 for you, praying for you, and that can account to you 26:26 if you do slip, that can also help you. 26:30 That is so true, Jacques. Thank you for sharing that. 26:34 Please remember that we are talking 26:36 about sex addiction. 26:37 And the Bible does say in Matthew 5:28, 26:40 "But I say anyone who even looks at a woman 26:43 with lust has already committed adultery 26:45 with her in his heart." 26:47 It even goes further and says that if a man or a couple 26:50 is looking at other things 26:52 or even how they are engaging in sex, 26:54 seriously you are creating a connection to individuals 26:56 that you shouldn't be creating. 26:58 And I'm not sure if you are struggling 27:01 with a sex addiction, but I do want to remind you 27:03 that you can experience freedom, 27:06 you can be free. 27:08 The question is do you want to be free 27:10 from this sex addiction. 27:12 Do you really want to experience God 27:14 and that relationship with Him on a deeper level? 27:17 You can, you just have to start the journey. 27:20 And maybe you do have a friend or even just a church member 27:24 or someone you've seen who has a sex addiction. 27:27 You can be a support system as our great panel has said, 27:30 you can pray with them, support them 27:32 in whatever different areas that they truly need, 27:35 the support is key and it is essential. 27:39 Well, that's all we have for today, folks. 27:43 Thank you so much, guys, 27:44 for sharing your words of wisdom. 27:47 And again, viewers, again, 27:50 you can be free from the sex addiction. 27:53 Have a wonderful day, and please, please remember 27:57 to make pure choices. |
Revised 2018-05-17