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Series Code: PME
Program Code: PME231014S
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00:14 [ Bell tolling ] 00:34 ♪♪ 04:11 [ Applause ] 04:17 >> I invite you all to stand once again as we sing 04:20 the praises to the King. Amen. Amen. 04:23 This song that we're going to sing -- 04:25 it's a song of praise. There are songs of meditation, 04:28 there are songs of encouragement, 04:31 songs about the church, but this song 04:34 is about just praising God. So I invite you all to join as 04:38 we sing the praises to the King, the King of Kings, 04:41 because he reigns forever. ♪♪ 06:23 Then, in Revelation 19:6, we read. 06:26 "Then I heard something like the voice of a great multitude 06:30 and like the sound of many waters and like 06:32 the sound of mighty peals of thunder saying, 'Hallelujah!' 06:36 For the Lord our God, the Almighty, reigns." 06:39 And we today join that multitude of singers 06:42 singing the praises to the King. 07:43 Sopranos. Come on, sopranos. 07:50 Altos now. 07:59 Come on, tenors. 09:43 Amen. Hallelujah! Praise God. Praise God. 09:47 ♪♪ 10:01 >> Welcome to Part 1 of our three-part series entitled 10:06 "How to Stay Married Forever and Like It." 10:09 If you are a guest with us today, 10:12 you may be here in response to receiving one of these cards. 10:15 If so, we're very glad that you are here. 10:18 If you appreciate what you're about to hear and would like 10:20 to invite somebody else to come and join you for parts 2 and 3, 10:23 which will be next week and this following week, 10:25 we do have more of these cards. There will be a stack of them 10:28 right here on the front pew. Feel free to stop by 10:31 after we are done and pick as many of those up 10:34 as you would like. 10:37 It had been my hope that, at the beginning here of Part 1, I would be able to put a picture 10:43 on the screen of both my wife and I immediately after we had been pronounced 10:48 husband and wife. But I just moved here in July, and all of my wedding pictures 10:56 are somewhere in the Precambrian level of the basement, and it will take a very gifted 11:01 archeologist to somehow find where those pictures are. I did manage to find 11:06 this particular photo, though. She's beautiful, isn't she? The appropriate response 11:15 is to say a hearty "amen" at that point. >> Amen! 11:17 >> Yes. Thank you, thank you. Yes. She's gorgeous and she is smiling. 11:21 And if you could see my face -- This is as I'm helping her down the steps just after 11:26 the ceremony has been completed. We're about to get into the getaway car. 11:29 If you could see my face, I would be smiling, too, because this day when we got married 11:37 was easily one of the happiest days of our lives. When we walked down the aisle, 11:42 we knew beyond the shadow of a doubt that God had brought us together, 11:45 that this was the right person for us, and, therefore, it was, indeed, 11:50 one of the happiest days of our lives. And if you ask either of us now, 11:54 "Would you say 'I do' again?", the answer is a resounding "yes." 11:59 Absolutely, we would. >> Amen. >> Thank you. Appreciate that. 12:04 Yes, yes. That's one person. And the reason we can say that is not because 12:11 we are relational geniuses. My wife actually may be. I am not, alright? 12:17 It's not because we got lucky. You know, some people say, "Oh, you know, they just got lucky. 12:22 Luck of the draw. Some people make it, some people don't." 12:23 No, no, no, no. That is not true. The reason why we can say today 12:28 that, "Absolutely, yes, we would say 'I do' again" is because we have applied 12:35 some simple principles consistently over time. Simple principles 12:43 consistently applied over time. Anyone can do this, including you. 12:50 And it's these simple principles that I want to share with you in this series. 12:55 So without further ado, let us begin. If you really want to have 13:01 a marriage that avoids the pain of divorce, if you really want to have 13:05 a marriage that goes the distance and lasts happily and forever, 13:08 then the best way to start is before you say "I do." Now, I hope that makes kind of 13:15 intuitive sense, right? If you made a mistake and there's difficulties in your 13:19 marriage after you say "I do," it's not the end. I mean, you can often work 13:23 those things out, and it is, indeed, easier if you make a good selection 13:29 before you get married. You know, next to the decision as to whether or not 13:35 you will follow God, the question of who you will marry is the most important one 13:40 that most of you will ever make. Who you marry will determine all kinds of things. 13:43 It will dramatically impact where you live, what house you buy, 13:46 whether you have children or not, how many you'll have, what careers 13:49 you are able to pursue, how much money you will have, who you'll be friends with, 13:52 who you won't be friends with, whether or not your life is happy, 13:55 whether or not those around you are going to be happy, the legacy of your life. 13:59 All of these things and more are dramatically influenced by who you decide to marry. 14:07 So you don't want to just settle for anyone. You want to find the right one. 14:15 And with this in mind, how do you find Mr. or Mrs. Right? Well, I wish 14:23 we had more time this morning so that we could cover a few more things, 14:26 but let's at least deal with four keys. Four keys to finding 14:33 Mr. or Mrs. Right. And we're going to get right to it. 14:36 First key is this. 14:45 Should I have the benediction now? We all done? 14:48 We just move on from here, right? Okay. Don't marry for love. 14:51 This is the first key. And if you're wondering what that's about, take your Bible. 14:55 If you don't have a Bible with you, in the back of the pew in front of you, 14:58 there is a pew Bible there. Look on Page 16. Genesis 24:62. 15:05 Genesis 24, beginning with Verse 62. It's on page 16, again, 15:09 in your pew Bible there. If we were to read earlier in Genesis 24, we would find a 15:14 guy by the name of Abraham has had a son named Isaac. Isaac is of marrying age. 15:21 Abraham gives careful instructions to his head servant to find a wife for Isaac 15:26 that doesn't live near him. There were difficulties with the women in that area, 15:30 and Abraham said, "I want you to go back to where I used to live and I want you to find 15:35 the person that God will guide you to and bring her back, that Isaac can marry her." 15:41 And that's where we join the story. Verse 62 of Genesis 24 says, 15:45 "Now, Isaac had come from Beer Lahai Roi, for he was living in the Negev. 15:50 He went out to the field one evening to meditate, and as he looked up, he saw 15:54 camels approaching. Rebecca --" This is the woman that had been 15:58 brought back by the servant. "Rebecca also looked up and saw Isaac. 16:03 She got down from her camel and asked the servant, 'Who is that man in the field 16:07 coming to meet us?' 'He is my master,' the servant answered. 16:12 So she took her veil and covered herself." This is where the custom 16:16 came from, by the way. The bride will often cover her face. 16:19 It's right here. This is where it began. Verse 66 -- "Then the servant 16:22 told Isaac all he had done. Isaac brought her into the tent of his mother, 16:27 Sarah, and he married Rebecca. So she became his wife, and he --" What's that next word? 16:34 >> Loved. >> "And he loved her. And Isaac was comforted 16:37 after his mother's death. She had died some time earlier." I mean, just read this again. 16:40 Verse 67 -- "Isaac brought her into the tent of his mother, Sarah, and he married Rebecca. 16:45 So she became his wife, and he loved her." Did you see the order? 16:54 He first married Rebecca, and then it says, "Then he loved her." 16:59 Now, by modern standards, I mean, how backwards is that? I mean, shouldn't Isaac 17:04 have first figured out if he loved Rebecca first and then married her? 17:11 Well, apparently not, and I think we can figure out why. You see, as it turns out, 17:16 falling in love actually isn't that difficult. It happens all the time. 17:24 We can love all sorts of things, some things that we should and some things that we shouldn't. 17:28 And we can love all kinds of people, some that we should and some that we shouldn't. 17:35 In fact, as a pastor, I've been asked to perform quite a few weddings over the years, 17:39 and a tiny handful of those I have ended up declining. "I'm sorry," I've said. 17:45 "I can't do your wedding." And you say, "Well, why would you do that?" 17:48 Because those couples making those particular requests had, indeed, been marrying 17:54 for love, but were very clearly not marrying for life. 18:01 In fact, maybe we can alter now key number 1. Don't marry for love, 18:05 marry for life. Point being, when it comes to choosing 18:11 a life partner in marriage, you need to take the long view and not pay attention 18:17 merely to the present. Jesus, not particularly talking about marriage, but certainly 18:22 the principle applies that He talks about here. This is from Luke 14, 18:25 beginning with Verse 28. Jesus says... 19:01 In other words, Jesus is saying, "Think ahead, plan ahead, look carefully 19:07 at what you have now, extrapolate into the future." And, certainly, this applies 19:12 to marriage, choosing your prospective spouse. You see, if you are only 19:17 going to marry someone for love, that may be great... or it may 19:27 just be the state of mind that you have at this moment about your potential spouse 19:31 in this particular time, in this particular place in the present. If you are going to marry 19:37 someone for life, however, that means you need to take the long view, 19:42 and that means that you've got to pay attention to a number of very basic, practical things 19:47 in your prospective spouse, such as... how does your prospective spouse 19:54 deal with money? Do they know the value of a dollar? 19:57 Are they a spender? Are they a saver? Are they careful with money? 19:59 Do they spend it like water? How are they with children? You know, most marriages, 20:04 statistically speaking, will have children of some description come into 20:08 the marriage at some point. How are your -- How is your prospective spouse 20:12 doing with kids now? Will they be a good parent to your children? 20:15 Do you want what they have passed on to your progeny? What's the general direction 20:20 of their life? Are they looking to live a life of service? 20:22 Do they share your basic values? Based on what you know of them now, 20:26 what do you think their future focus will be on? Will it be on homelife, 20:29 on work, hobbies, somewhere -- something else? Where do they envision 20:33 themselves five years from now? 10 years from now? Based on what you know of them, 20:38 do you feel like those are realistic plans? Are they good planners? 20:43 More important still, what's their character like? Are they honest? 20:49 Do they tell the truth? Do they keep their promises? Are they compassionate 20:54 to those who are hurting? Do they stand by the strength of their convictions 20:57 or are they waffling and unsure of themselves? You know, a little secret 21:01 about marriage -- do not plan on your spouse changing much after you 21:07 get married. I've heard many -- Often, it's the wife. 21:13 Sometimes, it's the husband. Or, you know, husband- and wife-to-be you know, say, "Well, 21:17 you know what? I understand there's this anger problem, 21:19 but I'm sure when we're married, all of that will go away. The nagging, 21:24 the whining that I hear now -- oh, the warmth of our married love 21:28 will melt all of that like an ice cube on a sidewalk in South Texas in August." 21:34 No, that's not how it works. You know, praise the Lord, by the power of God, 21:40 sometimes, people do change after they get married, but you should not plan on 21:45 that happening. And most important of all when we're thinking about basic 21:51 things, compatibility and the basics, what about spiritual compatibility? 21:57 Is your prospective spouse roughly on the same spiritual level as you are? 22:02 You know, the Bible is actually crystal-clear about this one. We're not going to take the time 22:05 to read it here, but you can look up 2 Corinthians 6:14-16. And there, we are told that 22:11 when it comes to marriage, we are not to be "unequally yoked." 22:17 Now, picture here, this is an ancient picture. "Unequally yoked." 22:21 There was a yoke that would hold together two oxen that were plowing in a field. 22:25 You know, this is before John Deere, et cetera. And if they were 22:28 unequally yoked, if you had one oxen that was stronger or weaker than the other, 22:32 then the furrows would go like this around the field, and the harvest would be less 22:38 because the ground was not used effectively. And so God here is using this 22:42 analogy for marriage. "Don't be unequally yoked." Now, in practical terms, 22:47 what does that mean? Well, it means that you shouldn't date someone, 22:50 much less marry somebody, who is not roughly on your same spiritual level. 22:54 If you're an atheist, marry an atheist. If you're a Catholic, 22:59 marry a Catholic. If you're a Baptist, marry a Baptist. 23:01 If you're an Adventist, marry an Adventist. And even 23:04 within these categories, everyone who's listening, if you've been around a little 23:07 while, you know that even within those categories, there can be great spiritual 23:12 differences. Just because your name is on the book of a certain church 23:15 doesn't mean that you're on the same spiritual level as somebody else 23:18 who has their name on the book in that particular church. So think carefully, 23:21 weigh these things out. And how come, you may be wondering? 23:24 Because regardless of our particular brand of spirituality, 23:30 what is spiritual in our lives is ultimate. It is the core of our lives. 23:37 It is the storehouse of all that is meaningful with us. It is that 23:41 which is most important to us. It informs and affects all we do and all that we are. 23:47 And if you marry someone who doesn't share those ultimate values, 23:52 it can and will inevitably lead to one of two things -- trouble or spiritual 23:59 and moral compromise. And no one needs those things in their marriage. 24:06 So look carefully at the basics. Look for the long haul. And right now, I'm guessing, 24:15 I'm guessing that some of you -- perhaps some of you particularly at the younger end 24:19 of the spectrum, you're looking maybe forward here to getting married in the future, 24:22 I'm guessing that some of you might be thinking something like this, 24:25 "Pastor Shane, all this long-view stuff, focusing on the mundane, basic 24:29 compatibility, where's the romance in that? I mean, you're taking all the 24:34 fun out of this," right? 24:39 You know, I remember when Darlene and I first started dating. 24:43 She looked great. Still does. And I remember the first time that I held her hand. 24:48 Man, that was exciting. That was a feeling like no other, right? 24:53 And when you're dating someone special like that, you think about them all the time. 24:56 You look forward to eating lunch with them, to talking with them, going on walks with them, 24:59 et cetera, et cetera. It is romance and it is exciting. 25:07 [ Laughter ] And you cannot build a successful, 25:11 happy lifetime marriage just on that excitement. You know, Darlene and I 25:16 had to grow well beyond that initial excitement to build what we have today. 25:21 Now, don't misunderstand. Romance can last till death do you part 25:25 if you play your cards right. We'll talk about that in parts 2 and 3, so I hope 25:28 you can join us for that. But when it comes to marriage, romantic excitement 25:33 is the icing on the cake, not its bread and butter. It's how you 25:37 celebrate your relationship, not how you sustain it. Happy marriages that last 25:43 forever are instead day-to-day relationships that thrive best when basic 25:47 compatibilities are in place. So don't marry for love. Marry for life. 25:54 Pay attention to practical, basic compatibility issues before you say "I do." 26:02 That's the first key if you want to find Mr. or Mrs. Right. It leads directly to a second. 26:10 If you have your Bible, take a look at page 422, Psalm 130:5. 26:15 Page 422, Psalm 130, verses 5, and we're also going to read Verse 6. 26:23 The book of Psalms -- much of it written by David, other portions written 26:26 by Solomon, other writers. This is God-inspired poetry that expresses eternal truths. 26:32 Let's see what it says here. Psalm 130, beginning with Verse 5. 26:36 It says, "I wait for the Lord, my soul waits, and in His Word, I put my hope. 26:44 My soul waits for the Lord more than watchmen wait for the morning, 26:48 more than watchmen wait for the morning." I wait," it says, "for the 26:55 Lord." A second key to finding Mr. or Mrs. Right is to take your time. 27:08 Wait on the Lord. Ask Him to guide you. He will. Wait on Him. 27:14 You see, some things in life can happen fast, but the best things in life 27:17 often take time. And finding Mr. or Mrs. Right is definitely 27:21 one of those things. I am so glad that the Lord brought Darlene into my life. 27:25 I mean, my marriage has been a manifold, abundant, overflowing blessing. 27:29 It's a great thing. And to get there, it takes time, including before we said "I do." 27:37 And while this key of taking your time was important back in the days 27:41 when that Psalm, Psalm 130, was written, it is absolutely crucial to use in our day 27:46 because there has been a very specific change in how marriages are made in 27:50 our day compared to back then. Story. When Darlene and I were just 27:59 getting to know one another and we're on the verge of dating exclusively, 28:04 we were at Sunset Lake Summer Camp in the foothills of Mount Rainier, Washington state. 28:08 It was a beautiful camp. In those days, it was fairly small, 28:11 but a beautiful spot. Sundays were really the only days that we had off. 28:16 We would have free time from noon on Sunday till about 3:00 or so. 28:20 And I had asked Darlene for the very first time to go out on a date with me. 28:26 And I chose well. I mean, I aimed for the absolute top of the culinary food chain 28:30 in our area. We were going to go to Pizza Hut. 28:33 [ Laughter ] And she said yes, and I was thrilled. 28:38 And I was particularly thrilled because I knew the mode of transportation 28:43 we would use to go on this date. She would be riding in my car, my first car. 28:53 It was a 1973 Mercury Capri 2.6-liter V-6. They're German-made, 28:59 four-speed manual transmission, bucket seats. It was an absolute babe magnet. 29:05 [ Laughter ] Okay, women -- I mean, they would just "Oh!" when I would 29:09 drive by in that car, and I knew that this was one of the reasons why Darlene had said yes, 29:13 because she was probably thinking to herself, "Not only will I get to be 29:16 with Shane, but I will get to ride in his car." This car, I paid $300 for it. 29:25 It was probably overpriced at that amount, in retrospect. But at the time, I mean, this 29:32 was the cat's meow. It was yellow...mostly, right? Not all 29:39 of the Bondo had been painted, so there was some parts of it that stood out a little bit more 29:42 than others, but it was mostly yellow. The trunk had no lock, so I had 29:47 run cables through the frame, and there was a padlock sticking out of the back. 29:51 And that way, I could keep all of my valuable things that others might be tempted to steal 29:55 from this car safe in there. So, I'd washed it. I had vacuumed things out. 30:01 It had some interesting smells to it, but I knew that this would only 30:05 just kind of add to the masculine ethos that was just roaring through this car. 30:10 So, I said, "I'll pick you up at your cabin." I drive over there. I get out. 30:14 I open the door for her. She gets inside, and just, you know, experiencing 30:17 this wonderful engineering. Closed the door, and we go on our date. 30:23 It was perfect. A man and his car and his babe. 30:30 [ Laughter ] And we go into Pizza Hut 30:33 and we order pizza. I had a root-beer float. 30:37 I mean, the food was perfect. The conversation was heavenly. 30:41 We talked about the present and the future. 30:43 I mean, it was absolute just tops. 30:47 Sadly, time marches on, and I looked at my watch. 30:51 "Oh, I guess we got to get back." 30:52 I said, "Hey, you know, let's clear the table. 30:54 Let's head back there." So, we go outside, 30:56 and I open the door on her side. She gets in and sits down, 30:59 and I close the door and fire up that German V-6. 31:01 And up the hill we go and purred up there into the parking lot. 31:05 I pulled around in what used to be the main parking lot there, right next to the cafeteria, 31:10 and I look over at her, and she looks over at me. I said, 31:15 "I enjoyed our time together." She said, "I did, too." I said, "I'm glad we had this 31:21 time." "Me too, yeah." I said, "Well, I guess I'll see 31:25 you later." "Okay. I'll see you later." And she opens the door 31:30 and she steps out of the car, leans down, waves goodbye. And she closes the door, 31:37 and the right rear blinker on my right rear fender fell out onto the ground. 31:43 [ Laughter ] 31:51 Do you have any idea how hard it is to look cool when there are parts falling off 31:54 of your car, and the girl that you are most trying to impress is doing this? 32:00 [ Laughs ] Right? Okay? And I knew something was terribly wrong, right? 32:05 So, I mean, I whip my door open. I go back there and I see this and I look at my blinker 32:08 and I look at Darlene and I look at my blinker and I look at Darlene 32:10 and I say, "You broke my car." [ Laughter ] She said, "I didn't 32:17 break your car." I said, "You slammed the door." She said, "I didn't slam the 32:20 door." And I tell you what -- I mean, it is impossible to be putting 32:25 the parts back on your car and look cool in front of anybody. 32:27 I mean, I'm looking around. I reach down, I grab the blinker, and I stuff it in 32:30 there, tried to get it so it would stay roughly in a spot. I get in the car and I 32:34 don't say another word and drive away back to my cabin. 32:45 Those of you that are considering getting married, you need to know something. 32:54 Dating is designed to hide flaws. It's designed that way. 33:04 You say, "How do you know?" I can guarantee you, if you're going to go out on a first date, 33:10 gentlemen, if you haven't showered all week long, you will shower that night. 33:15 You will find clean clothes or at least ones that smell less, right? 33:19 You will brush your teeth. You will comb your hair. You will be ready when 33:22 you go out on a date, because you do not wish to present all of your flaws 33:27 here on your first date, right? And some people, some people continue to do that 33:33 for a very long time. And the only way that you are going to be able 33:40 to find out the flaws that this person actually has is to be with them 33:45 long enough to see them. You see, sometimes, all it takes is a first date 33:50 and a blinker falls off, and you learn pretty quickly that somebody's got a short 33:53 temper, alright? But a lot of the other times, it takes a good, 33:57 long time to figure it out. You know, there's an old saying that says, 34:01 "Go into marriage with both eyes open and, after marriage, with one eye shut," 34:06 because when you say "I do," what you are really saying -- On the one hand, you're saying 34:10 "I do commit to be faithful to this person," et cetera, "till death do we part," and you are 34:14 very realistically saying, "I do covenant that I will live with this set of flaws 34:19 for the rest of my life." >> Amen. [ Laughter ] 34:26 >> You see, if you ask God to guide you in choosing your spouse, He will show you the 34:31 wonderful traits of a prospective spouse and He will show you the hidden 34:34 flaws that you need to see before you say "I do." He will do this for you if you 34:39 trust Him, if you ask Him, but He rarely does it overnight. So you've got to stick around 34:46 long enough to figure out when you've seen the real person. You've got to take your time, 34:54 which, of course, brings up the question, how much time? How long do you have to date 34:57 before you know if this is Mr. or Mrs. Right? You know, after nearly 30 years 35:04 of doing pastoral ministry and pre-marriage counseling for dozens of couples 35:08 and seeing countless marriages both thrive and fail, I have some pretty firm 35:12 opinions about this. And I know some of you may not like what I'm going to say next, 35:15 but here's the best that I know. If you've dated for less than a year, forget it. 35:21 Don't even consider getting married. Because anyone can fake it 35:25 for a year. You might say, "Well, why would somebody 35:29 try to fake it all that long?" You know, we're not going to go into all the psychology 35:32 and whatnot behind it. Let's just say it happens. It happens. 35:36 Anyone can fake it for a year. Instead of doing less than a year, 35:40 what I would suggest is that you follow the two-year rule, and it's just that. 35:44 The two-year rule is... 35:49 By the way, this includes those of you that have known each other since birth. 35:53 I've had people come up and say, "Oh, but, Pastor Shane, I grew up, I went to school 35:55 with this person," and whatnot. I said, "Did you date?" "No, we didn't date." 35:58 "Oh, that's different." Because when you start to date, there's a difference 36:01 in that relationship. That's why we date, right? Okay? Because there 36:04 is a difference there. And you cannot know that person in that type of relationship 36:08 unless you engage in that type of a relationship. Two years minimum. 36:12 Two years minimum. I won't marry a couple who hasn't done it. 36:19 And I know what some of you are thinking right now, because whenever I've presented 36:23 about this before and I give the two-year rule, somebody inevitably comes up afterwards 36:26 and says, "Uh, Pastor Shane, we didn't follow that at all. We got married after dating 36:31 for 45 seconds and we are still happily married today." Okay? Now, some of you 36:35 are thinking that, right? You're nodding your heads, right? 36:37 To which I would say, "Praise the Lord. And you are the exception." 36:45 In the Western world, where dating is the norm and arranged marriages 36:48 are exceedingly rare, you are the exception, because for every marriage like yours, 36:53 my pastoral experience says that there are 20 others that didn't make it because 36:57 they married without knowing what they were getting into, they married without knowing who 37:01 they were getting married to, it led to terrible troubles and ultimately to divorce. 37:07 So don't let it happen to you. God can and will show you Mr. or Mrs. Right, 37:14 but you've got to use this second key -- take your time. 37:22 Which brings us to the third and, some would say, rather controversial key. 37:28 Take a look at Page 770 in your pew Bible. It's 1 Corinthians 6:18. 37:35 1 Corinthians 6, beginning with Verse 18. If you're not familiar 37:40 with this part of the Bible, 1 Corinthians is the first letter that a guy by the name of 37:43 Paul, sometimes referred to as the Apostle Paul, wrote to this church in Corinth. 37:49 Corinth had some unique difficulties. It was a challenging place 37:52 to be, including things that apply to our discussion here, 37:56 and Paul is about to address them. Under the inspiration 37:58 of the Holy Spirit of God, this is what Paul says here. 1 Corinthians 6:18. 38:03 "Flee from sexual immorality. All other sins a man commits are outside his body, 38:11 but he who sins sexually sins against his own body. Do you not know that your body 38:16 is a temple of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? 38:20 You are not your own. You were bought at a price. Therefore, honor God 38:24 with your body." "Flee," it says, "from sexual immorality." 38:33 The third key to finding Mr. or Mrs. Right is this. 38:49 And I know what some of you are thinking -- "Pastor Shane, that is old school. 38:56 Nobody follows that anymore. I mean, everybody sleeps together before they get 39:01 married. Everybody seems to be living together before they get 39:04 married." And I would say, "Well, I mean, not quite everyone, 39:06 but there are an awful lot." You know, 2019, a Pew Research Center survey 39:11 found that, in America, people ages 18 to 44, 59% had cohabitated with someone 39:19 prior to marriage. Cohabitation -- that's just, you know, 39:22 the technical term for living together, sleeping together prior to getting married. 39:27 If you bump the age bracket a little bit, ages 30 to 44, the share of the population 39:32 that has cohabitated at some time in their lives is a whopping 71%. 39:40 And why do people do it? Actually, research shows that there's a fairly small pool 39:48 of answers to that question. Some people say finances. You know, two can live 39:53 cheaper than one. Some people say, "Well, just basic needs of companionship." 39:57 But many people, at the top of their reason list for moving together -- in together 40:02 is that it is a trial run for marriage. In essence, couples are saying, 40:08 "Well, we're not sure if marriage will work out for us or not, so let's do a test run." 40:15 And at first glance, it almost makes sense. I mean, before you buy a car, 40:19 what do you do? You test-drive it, right? Okay? Before you buy a house, 40:24 you test it out. There's all kinds of tests that are -- test for radon, 40:26 tests for pests and termites and structural integrity. So maybe that should work 40:32 for sleeping together, living together, et cetera, as well. 40:39 Two things. Number one, if you're worried about physical 40:43 intimacy working out in marriage and, consequently, you feel you need a test 40:47 run before marriage, let me just assure you, I've spoken 40:51 with the manufacturer, and all the plumbing will work as designed. 40:55 You'll be fine. Compatibility issues are rare. You'll be just fine. 41:01 No need to do a test run for that purpose, okay? And how about the whole idea 41:05 of not just sleeping together, but actually living together before marriage? 41:08 There's a whole bunch that we could say about that. Let me just bring it 41:11 down to this. Does it work? It's supposed to be 41:19 a test run for marriage and it's supposed to improve your odds of 41:22 finding marital happiness. Does it work? 41:29 According to the word of God, no, and, as it turns out, almost every other researcher 41:37 on the planet over the last 10 years agrees with Him. It's almost like God knew 41:41 what He was talking about. Now, if you don't believe me, try this for yourself. 41:46 Do some research of your own. Go online and search for the phrase 41:49 "cohabitation before marriage" or whatever combination of those words you want to do. 41:53 "Cohabitation before marriage." What you will find is that while there are variations on how bad 41:57 an influence on marriage various studies say it is, the data is remarkably robust 42:02 and united in its conclusion that living together before marriage does not help. 42:06 It hurts. It hurts. Just a taste of some of the research that's available 42:12 from over the last decade or so. In the Journal of Family Psychology, 42:16 Rhoades, Stanley, and Markman did a survey of over 1,000 different couples. 42:21 Here's what they found. 42:30 Well, I thought that's kind of the opposite of what we were trying to do, right? 42:33 And notice this, what they found. 42:44 Wait a second. I mean, a lot of guys in particular think, 42:47 "Oh, this is going to be physical-pleasure Nirvana. Perfect. 42:49 We're going to move it in." And then, actually, statistically speaking, 42:52 it doesn't work that way. You might scratch your head and say, "Well, how come? 42:57 Well, another researcher, Dr. Meg Jay, when she wrote this -- the University of 43:01 Virginia is where she taught. She was a teaching psychologist. She wrote an article 43:05 for The New York Times. In that, she expressed that she found in her research 43:08 that living together before marriage substantially increases one's odds of divorce. 43:13 Huh. And then she says this. "Women are more likely to view cohabitation 43:19 as a step towards marriage, while men are more likely to see it as a way 43:24 to test a relationship or --" What's that last line say? >> Postpone. 43:29 >> "Postpone commitment." Now, hold on. This is supposed to be 43:34 an increase of our commitment. I mean, we're moving in together, right? 43:37 This is ratcheting up. Actually, statistically speaking -- 43:42 And, by the way, to the best of my knowledge, Dr. Meg Jay, nor the other researchers 43:45 or any of them that I read have religious funding. These are just people 43:50 doing research. So there's no agenda behind this. 43:54 What she found is, that, actually, for guys, this is not a way for them 43:59 to increase their commitment to their partner. It's actually a way to avoid it. 44:04 It's almost like they're living together with this person for a different reason. 44:10 Who knew? Continuing on, she says, "And this gender asymmetry 44:16 is associated with negative interactions --" yeah, of course -- "and lower 44:20 levels of commitment --" get this -- "even after the relationship 44:23 progresses to marriage." So couples that live together first -- "Okay, this is our 44:27 trial run. This is our test run." It actually led to lower 44:31 levels of commitment, And this conflict carries over into their marriages. 44:35 Living together, sleeping together -- it doesn't work. Not just because God says so. 44:40 The research actually backs it up. So I would humbly submit that 44:46 it is time to be intelligent about the ever-growing rate of couples who sleep together, 44:51 live together before marriage. The dramatic rise in cohabitation before marriage 44:56 over the last 30 years -- and it has dramatically risen -- is not a sign of wisdom, 45:01 but of fear. And, at times, it is a sign also of manipulation for selfish ends 45:06 and even sheer relational laziness. Listen carefully. 45:12 At the risk of being overly blunt, if a person cannot get to know 45:17 someone else sufficiently without getting into bed with them first, 45:20 there is something wrong. That person needs to grow up. They need to mature. 45:28 They need to realize that relationships that last, the ones that bring lasting joy 45:32 and fulfillment and meaning -- those are the ones that require work, at times hard work. 45:37 They require that we pay attention to what the other person says, 45:40 what they think, what they believe. It means that we treat them 45:43 as a whole human being, a living soul, one that demands our respect and full attention, 45:48 and not just someone to have physical pleasure with. Cutting corners by being 45:54 physically intimate with someone that you do not have the courage to commit forever to first 45:59 is not wise shopping or careful testing. It is self-destruction. 46:05 You are quite literally harming yourself and your partner. And cogitate upon this. 46:12 If your prospective spouse is willing to sleep with someone they're not married 46:17 to before you get married, what makes you think they won't be willing to sleep 46:21 with someone they're not married to after you get married? So if you are currently living 46:29 together before marriage, in all humility, I would gently urge you to move out, 46:36 to live separately. If you're sleeping together before marriage, 46:40 whether you live together or not, again, I would gently encourage you to stop. 46:44 And if you do this -- notice carefully -- making these changes, as hard 46:48 as they can be, will help your relational vision to clear. You say, "Clear? 46:54 What do you mean 'clear'?" With the misleading haze -- because that's what it is -- 46:59 the misleading haze of premarital sex out of the way, you will now be able to see 47:03 the other person more clearly, to see their true suitability for marriage, 47:07 to see what your relationship is actually built upon. Is it built upon true substance 47:12 that will go a long term or is it built merely on pleasure? Respect yourself. 47:21 Respect your partner. Respect God. Save physical intimacy 47:27 and living together for after you get married. That's the third key 47:33 to finding Mr. or Mrs. Right. There's a fourth and final one. There are more, but for 47:40 our purposes this morning, there's just one more this morning. 47:43 Page 443, Proverbs 24:5. 47:49 Proverbs 24, Verse 5, and we'll also read Verse 6. Proverbs is a book that's a 47:57 collection of wise sayings. Much of it's by King Solomon, the wisest man who ever lived. 48:02 There's some from David in here, as well. Proverbs -- 48:05 it has some wise things to say here about precisely our topic. Verse 5. 48:12 "A wise man has great power, and a man of knowledge increases strength. 48:20 For waging war, you need guidance, and for victory, many advisers." 48:26 Let me read Verse 6 again. "For waging war, you need guidance, and for victory, 48:32 many advisers." The fourth key to finding Mr. or Mrs. Right is to... 48:48 And you might be thinking, "Well, but wait a minute. The Bible text in Proverbs 48:51 that you just read is not talking about marriage. It's talking about going to 48:54 war." And I say that's precisely why it is talking about marriage. 49:04 Not because you're going to war with your spouse -- we hope that doesn't happen -- 49:08 but because the world is going to war against your marriage. What you see on TV, 49:14 what Hollywood produces, our entertainment, our work schedules that we're 49:17 so long away from home, overindulged hobbies, et cetera, et cetera, the world has 49:22 declared war on your marriage, even if it hasn't begun yet. And if you are going to win 49:27 that war, you will need the wise counsel of people close to God who can evaluate 49:33 your potential spouse. 49:39 Now, some of you are thinking, "Are you crazy? This is my decision, 49:44 Pastor Shane. I and I alone will choose who I am going to marry." 49:51 And you know what? You're right. You are the only one. So don't mess it up. 49:58 Why not make the best, most informed decision you can possibly make? 50:05 Including by asking people that are godly and wise for their opinion. 50:12 There's been many couples over the years that have asked me about this very thing. 50:15 I remember one couple in particular. This was within the last 50:18 20 years, at a church within 10,000 miles of here. I walked in the door, 50:22 and the church secretary said, "There's a couple that's waiting down in the office." 50:26 So I said, "Okay." I went down. Door was open. 50:29 I went in the office there. And I need to describe the picture here 50:33 so you can kind of picture it. On the right-hand side, desk, chair, kind of usual office 50:37 things. On the other side of the room, there was this kind of 50:40 sofa/love-seat thing suitable for two, right? And on the love seat 50:45 were two rather young people seeking to put the "love" into love seat, right? 50:50 They were entwined with one another. This was not Velcro. 50:53 This was surgical attachment, right? I mean, they were wrapped around 50:57 each other like this, okay? Like they shared an organ or something right here. 51:01 I mean, this is kidneys going together. And they're looking at each 51:04 other. I'm not making this up. They're looking at each other, 51:06 oh, just... And I'm about to throw up as I walk in the room and see 51:11 this here like this, right? 51:13 But, you know, I want to be professional. 51:14 I want to be kind. So I introduce myself, say, 51:16 "I'm Pastor Shane. What's your name?" 51:18 They tell me their name. And I say, "How can I help you?" 51:22 And what transpires next, you know, knowing what I know 51:24 now, I probably would have dealt with it a little bit different, 51:27 but I'm just going to tell you the story how it happened, okay? 51:30 I said, "How can I be of help?" And they looked at each other 51:32 once again, batted some eyelashes, and said, 51:36 "We want you to perform our wedding ceremony. 51:43 And I looked back at them and I said, "Why? 51:48 [ Laughter ] And, at first, it didn't faze 51:51 them. I mean, they were too engrossed, 51:53 you know, with one another. "Uh, because we love each 51:57 other." 52:00 And I said, "No, you don't." Okay, now I had their attention, right? 52:07 They said, "What do you mean, 'No, you don't'?" I said, "You don't love each 52:11 other." They said, "Well, how do you know that? 52:14 I said, "Well, how long have you known each other?" And I don't remember 52:16 the exact amount of time, but it was a matter of weeks. 17, 18 years old, 52:21 the two of them. They'd known each other just for a few weeks, 52:23 never met each other before, and now they wanted me to perform their wedding ceremony. 52:27 And I said, "No, you don't love each other. I said, "There may be some lust, 52:30 that's true, going between you and there, and you may be enjoying 52:32 each other's physical company, but I can't imagine that there's any love yet. 52:34 That takes time, more time than what you've given to each other." 52:37 I said, "I won't perform your wedding ceremony, but if you'd like, I can do 52:41 some relationship counseling. We can talk about what it means to be married and discuss 52:45 those types of things." And they had no interest whatsoever 52:51 and that was essentially the end of the conversation and I never saw them again. 52:58 But experience is a good teacher, and I think I know what happened. 53:02 Here's my guess. They were so intent on getting married, 53:06 having somebody marry them, I'm going to guess that they just went down the street 53:09 until they found a church that they knocked on the door and that the pastor, 53:12 priest, or whoever would do their wedding ceremony. And I'm going to guess 53:16 that they got married, they might have had a kid or two, 53:18 and then they got divorced. That's my guess, because that kind of marriage 53:23 cannot last. It just doesn't work that way. And if, indeed, that is 53:29 what happened, they could have avoided it if they had simply listened 53:34 to the counsel of somebody -- However ham-fisted I conveyed it, 53:39 if they had just listened to the counsel of someone who had been around the track 53:42 a few more times than they had been. I tell you, this separates 53:47 the men from the boys, the ladies from the girls, the wishers and the whiners 53:50 from the winners. If you are serious about being married forever and liking it, 53:54 you need the counsel of godly, wise people. So, practically speaking, 53:59 this is what this means. First of all, get pre-marriage counseling. 54:05 Get pre-marriage counseling. I won't perform a wedding ceremony in which 54:08 pre-marriage counseling has not already taken place. What's pre-marriage counseling? 54:11 It's very simple. It's where you go with somebody who's qualified to do it 54:15 through the basics of marriage. I recommend that you talk to a pastor or a Christian counselor. 54:19 They'll take you through, sometimes, a battery of tests which are extremely helpful. 54:23 You learn things about yourself and about your prospective spouse. 54:26 It really increases your odds of marital success. I haven't seen a recent survey. 54:31 I remember, 10, 20 years ago, there was a survey that was done. 54:34 It showed a 20% decrease in the likelihood of divorce if you just got pre-marriage 54:40 counseling. That's astonishing. 20% decrease in the odds of 54:44 divorce if all you do is to get pre-marriage counseling. So do it. Do it. 54:49 Darlene and I did it twice. We wanted to be sure. Secondly... 55:01 You know, if you have godly parents, they should be your first stop. 55:05 Ask them for their advice. Believe it or not, they have known you longer 55:09 than anyone else. They've seen what you've done, what you haven't done, 55:14 the habits that you've formed that are good, maybe the habits you formed that 55:17 are bad. They know these things. And if they are godly people, 55:20 they are craving -- I haven't -- I have met one parent, but that's another sermon. 55:25 Most every single parent I've ever met does not wish marital disaster 55:29 on their children. They want their children to succeed, so ask them. 55:33 Ask them for their opinion. If that doesn't apply in your particular situation, 55:37 find three older, godly, wiser people and ask them. You know, my wife and I, 55:41 in addition to getting feedback from our families, we did ask three older, wiser, 55:44 Bible-based couples. They all gave us endorsements that just -- I mean, they lit up 55:50 our faces, and it was assurance. All of them said, in essence, "We can see that God has brought 55:55 you together. We see the things that you're doing together. 55:58 We think this is a right match." It's one of the biggest reasons that, when we marched down 56:02 the aisle, it was one of the happiest days of our lives. We knew that God had brought us 56:08 together. So, you want to live happily ever after? 56:15 You want to stay married forever and like it? Then start out the right way 56:19 before you get married. Don't marry for love. Marry for life. 56:24 Look at the practical things of life and compatibility. Take your time. 56:28 Give time for those flaws to surface. Save physical intimacy 56:31 for marriage. Don't sleep together or live together before you say "I do." 56:34 And seek counsel from wise, God-following people. You do these things, and 56:38 someday, when you walk down the aisle, you, too, can have the assurance that this man or this 56:43 woman will truly be with you happily and forever. >> Amen. 56:53 >> I'm Shane Anderson, the lead pastor here at 56:55 Pioneer Memorial Church. At Pioneer Media, we have been 56:59 blessed by the financial support that comes from our viewers 57:02 like you that enable us to continue this ministry. 57:06 We've made a conscious decision not to continually appeal to you 57:09 for that support. However, keeping this ministry 57:12 going takes money to support our staff and technology needs. 57:17 If God has blessed you and you would like to further 57:19 the work of this ministry, we invite you to partner with us. 57:23 You can donate on our website, pmchurch.org, 57:27 then click "giving" at the top, then select "media ministry," 57:32 or call the number 877-HIS-WILL. Again, that number is 57:37 877-the two words HIS-WILL. My prayer is that the God 57:43 who has blessed you will continue to pour into your life 57:46 the gifts of His joy and His hope. 57:49 Thank you. And I'm looking forward to 57:51 seeing you right here again next time. 58:00 ♪♪ |
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