Series Code: RQRA
Program Code: RQRA000006A
00:01 I don't understand.
00:04 Why did this have to happen to me?
00:08 I feel like I just can't make sense of things.
00:12 I need answers.
00:15 Where is God?
00:22 Relationships, relationships, relationships.
00:27 I don't know if it would be possible
00:29 to do a program of questions that young people ask most
00:32 without covering that topic.
00:34 Welcome to Raw Questions Relevant Answers.
00:36 And this is a program
00:38 where we look at the common questions
00:40 that you as young people have been sending in
00:43 to be answered.
00:45 My name is Michelle Doucoumes.
00:46 I'm here with my co-hosts, Dee Casper, and Mark Paden.
00:49 We are the relationship experts.
00:51 Okay, wait, we're actually not.
00:53 But we are going to try to look at your questions biblically
00:58 and do our best with the help of the Holy Spirit.
01:02 So we're going to go to our first question today.
01:04 This question was sent in from a 26-year-old female.
01:09 Is there such a thing as too many rules
01:13 and overthinking a relationship?
01:17 What you think? Yeah. I mean...
01:19 I would say yes and no, but I'll let Mark answer first
01:22 I think there's...
01:23 Okay, there's two sides to this.
01:25 Where this question, I think, is coming from is that
01:28 there has been a movement to add in more rules
01:32 and thinking into relationships
01:34 because on a general note in society,
01:37 you know, we don't have a lot,
01:38 you know, hookup with somebody for a weekend,
01:40 and then, you know, it's just...
01:41 In many ways, dating now is very lucid.
01:46 Conditional. Yes.
01:48 It doesn't have the commitment and the beauty
01:50 and the principles
01:51 that are characterized in the Word of God.
01:55 However, sometimes what I think can end up happening is that
01:58 those of us who have grown up in it
02:00 and who have had a lot of emphasis
02:04 placed on relationship rules and dating
02:07 can sometimes get into this mode
02:09 where you start to overthink everything.
02:13 And so instead of thinking in a normal way,
02:15 you can easily overthink it.
02:18 Honestly, I think the answer of the question is yes and no,
02:23 but the determining factor is you, right?
02:26 'Cause you can overthink it, but you can also underthink it.
02:29 The key, I believe,
02:30 is to really see God in His Word
02:32 and other spiritual counsel.
02:34 God doesn't want us to have analysis paralysis
02:37 in this selection of our future spouse.
02:40 I mean, we believe that there are biblical principles
02:43 who we can work with that kind of understand
02:45 that the purpose of relationships is marriage,
02:47 not just to do it that wilt and hope for the best.
02:51 There should be some intentionality here,
02:53 but in order to kind of teach
02:54 or to kind of open that discourse,
02:57 there have been some who've laid out principles
02:58 that are kind of going beyond...
03:00 It's kind of what the Pharisees and Sadducees did.
03:02 They had, like, 37 laws for the Sabbath
03:04 that you can't find in the Bible.
03:06 If you spit on the ground, you're plowing the soil.
03:08 If you untie your shoe or do a finishing stroke...
03:11 And the intentions were good.
03:12 We definitely don't want to break the Sabbath.
03:14 Let's just ensure that no one does.
03:16 And this can, at times, put us in situations
03:18 where there's so much fear of doing the wrong thing
03:21 that we don't know how to do anything.
03:23 And so I can resonate to some degree
03:25 with that thought process of
03:27 it seems like it's a little too much to some degree,
03:30 so how do we go about this process of
03:32 like meeting and going forward,
03:33 but their question was, "Is it possible?"
03:35 Yes, it's possible,
03:36 but it's also possible for us to be so self-confident
03:40 in our ability to recognize the situation
03:42 without receiving godly counsel,
03:44 without talking to our parents,
03:45 without talking to their parents, right?
03:47 Some of these godly principles are in Scripture.
03:50 Then when we do that,
03:52 we end up in situations that we regret later
03:54 and wish that someone would have told us.
03:56 And those principles were there to protect us
03:58 from that situation.
04:00 And you know... So hang on. Mark, go ahead.
04:02 On that too, we do really have to think
04:05 about the solemnity of this decision.
04:09 I mean, you don't really want to have
04:12 divorce as an option.
04:14 I mean, that messes up a lot of people's lives.
04:16 Think about your kids, right?
04:18 And so going into this,
04:20 you're really making a decision for life.
04:22 That's God's way.
04:25 And when you think of it in that context,
04:28 I mean, when you're looking to buy...
04:30 Well, okay, in my case,
04:32 I may be looking to buy a camera.
04:33 I'll have that camera for three years, right?
04:35 Maybe four. After that, it doesn't matter.
04:38 I can get a better one, but with the wife,
04:42 that's a little bit different, you know.
04:43 And this is really huge.
04:45 It's the idea that relationships
04:47 are sacred, are special.
04:49 I read once how whenever we step into someone's life,
04:52 it's like we're stepping on sacred ground.
04:55 And if you're working towards more intimate relationship,
04:58 like a romantic relationship and leading towards a marriage,
05:02 think about the sacredness of that.
05:04 But maybe it's often easy to think about a lot of rules
05:07 because it's hard for us to understand the principles.
05:11 But God is a God of principles
05:13 that He likes to give us a picture that we're following.
05:16 For instance, the intentionality is huge.
05:19 I've had someone tell me before how you know,
05:22 "Hey, a relationship or a courtship is successful
05:25 as long as you decide whether or not
05:27 you and that person should get married.
05:29 Yes. Well, yes. Amen to that.
05:31 But I disagree.
05:33 Really? Yeah.
05:34 To some degree, I do. Go ahead.
05:35 I agree and disagree.
05:37 I agree, but yet, at the same time,
05:39 how do we do the relationship.
05:41 Are not all relationships meant to teach us
05:43 more about how to love people?
05:46 How to treat people like Christ?
05:48 They're all a growing experience.
05:51 And if we're not doing a relationship in that way,
05:53 we can have an ungodly relationship
05:55 even if it is solving the issue
05:58 of whether we get married or not.
05:59 So how do we go into it?
06:01 Do we go into it with that respect,
06:03 with that object of treating the other person
06:06 as Christ would treat them?
06:08 Are we looking at how we deal with people's hearts?
06:12 We are holistic beings, mental, emotional, physical.
06:16 Many relationships get out of whack
06:17 in one of those areas,
06:19 even if a physical is way ahead of the other two
06:21 or some imbalance that can lead to hurting hearts.
06:24 And so I would encourage...
06:26 Yeah, there can be too many rules,
06:28 but in order to not focus on rules,
06:30 they do some research about the principles God had
06:33 for what relationship means, what it's for.
06:36 And that can really lead us
06:37 to treat it in a very special way.
06:40 In the context of my amen,
06:44 this is one of the biggest reasons
06:45 why people are so discouraged by all these rules
06:48 and regulations they get thrown in their direction is
06:51 they feel the only reason
06:52 they can even consider starting a relationship
06:54 to some degree is how they feel
06:56 whether that's what's actually being taught or not,
06:57 how they feel is, "I can't even date this person
06:59 if I'm not going to marry them,"
07:01 or you go through the process of getting to know them.
07:03 And the problem is there's so much pressure on them
07:05 that when the relationship falls apart,
07:07 they start questioning everything they've ever known.
07:09 "Do I even know how to hear from God,
07:11 is everything about this wrong?"
07:13 And there is this yoke
07:14 that comes from a failure of sorts
07:16 that they don't know what to do with.
07:18 And the point that one of the lessons you learn
07:20 through this process was
07:21 there wasn't a fitness for a marriage.
07:23 And it's better to learn that now than later.
07:25 But you went into this one with intentionality to see
07:27 if you were fit for marriage.
07:30 I think there's both sides to this principle,
07:31 and I really like what you brought out on your point,
07:34 which I think is super, super important.
07:36 It isn't talked about near as much.
07:39 We have another question here.
07:41 This is coming from another female
07:44 who is asking,
07:45 "As a young single female, I don't date,
07:48 but I want to be a wife and helpmate to a godly man
07:53 who works for the Lord in these last days.
07:55 Is prayer my only option in this case?
07:59 I know it sounds awful to say
08:01 because prayer is always the best option,
08:03 but is there anything else I can or should be doing?"
08:07 I'm sitting here on a panel with two men, we have...
08:10 So I guess I'll interject,
08:12 and then you guys can help out this question too.
08:15 As another young single female, I hear you.
08:19 I understand how that is that often we wonder,
08:23 "What do we do? How do we wait?"
08:25 You know, some principles that I have seen
08:27 is in Luke 16:10, Jesus says, "He who is faithful in little,
08:32 be may ruler over much."
08:35 If we are not given a relationship or helpmate
08:38 or husband at this time, maybe consider
08:41 what are we doing with what God's given us?
08:43 Are we being faithful with the task
08:45 with the relationships that God has now?
08:48 Those are the things that prepare us.
08:50 I've seen this in my life.
08:51 God puts friends, God puts ministries,
08:54 God puts opportunities in my life
08:56 that shape me and shape my character.
08:58 As I look back,
09:00 those are things that are going to effect
09:02 how I am with my future husband.
09:04 Yeah. Am I making good use of that?
09:06 The other thing is 1 Corinthians 7:34,
09:11 Paul talks about how, you know,
09:13 married women look for the things of their husband.
09:15 Single women get to focus on the things of the Lord.
09:18 Paul even goes so far to say,
09:19 "Hey, maybe it's better to be single in some cases."
09:23 But regardless of how long you'll be single,
09:26 are we taking advantage of the time that we're single.
09:29 It is a time when we can focus on the Lord,
09:31 when we can do growth in certain areas
09:33 that we may not be able to focus on as much,
09:36 when we have a family,
09:37 when we have those God given obligations.
09:40 And so maybe some faithfulness in those things now
09:43 can be of help.
09:45 I would just briefly say that it's a prime time
09:49 to search our own hearts in the sea where we're broken,
09:52 any issues we may have from residual upbringing,
09:55 whether it'd be from our parents,
09:56 if you grew up in a divorce home, like I did,
09:58 or something else,
09:59 any insecurities you have, any tendencies,
10:01 or, you know, shortcomings you see in your personality
10:05 that cause problems in our personal relationships,
10:07 this is the best time to search your heart
10:09 to find counseling, to find healing to ensure that
10:12 whenever that time does come for a relationship,
10:14 there's less you're bringing into that
10:16 that you guys deal with later.
10:17 It's far better to deal with those issues now
10:19 than in the midst of a situation
10:21 of merging two lives together.
10:23 You know, one other thing too that I would say to that,
10:25 part of the question is, "Is there anything
10:28 I can be doing in the meantime?"
10:30 It seems like with the implication like,
10:32 "Am I just supposed to wait and sit and pray
10:35 and like is this all I can do?"
10:37 I think one of the beautiful things
10:38 about the gospel is that there is a certain...
10:43 Well, we can't do anything to atone for ourselves,
10:45 well, we can...
10:46 There's no such thing as creature merit.
10:48 It doesn't do anything.
10:50 There is an aspect in which in day-to-day life,
10:53 God does expect us to do things.
10:55 God doesn't ask us to just sit here on the planet
10:58 and pray and ask Him to do
10:59 every single little thing for us.
11:01 He says, "Get up, go out, take the Gospel to the world."
11:06 We aren't the ones who bring the increase,
11:09 but we plant the seed.
11:11 We water the seed, right?
11:12 And I think it goes
11:13 the same principle applies in this situation, you know.
11:18 When you're waiting on God on this and praying
11:20 and asking Him to bring the right person to you.
11:24 You have something to do
11:26 and going out and meeting people, right?
11:28 You can go and get to know other people.
11:31 I mean, you're not...
11:33 God isn't going to just magically bring
11:36 the perfect husband to you
11:38 just riding on a pelican or something, right?
11:40 He could. He could.
11:42 You probably won't know. Yeah, exactly.
11:44 You know, just go out there, like get to know people,
11:48 invest in relationships with people
11:52 that are like-minded,
11:54 talk with them, get to know them.
11:55 And find out where God is leading you in life
11:57 and pursue that with every ounce of your being.
11:59 And if this person isn't moving in the same direction
12:01 that God is leading you,
12:03 then it's probably not going to work.
12:04 And this is why it is important for us...
12:07 You know, Adam and Eve both had time alone with God
12:09 before God brought them together
12:10 to know who they were and where they were going.
12:12 And I think it's an important and helpful principle
12:14 that who are you, where are you going,
12:17 and if that's not in harmony, that helps you to know
12:20 whether you're moving the same direction or not.
12:22 So take advantage of that time to find out who you are.
12:25 Right. How you go.
12:26 You know, I've heard it like this.
12:28 Look at how much is a person like me?
12:31 Is that compatible?
12:32 Do we match, but how much is this person like God?
12:35 Yes. That's a bigger thing.
12:37 And where are we going?
12:38 There's council about
12:40 is this person going to expand your sphere of influence,
12:43 your usefulness in this life?
12:46 And part of it, like you all mentioned,
12:48 is maybe God's wanting us
12:50 to learn more about His call for our lives first,
12:53 how do we know if we're going
12:54 in the same direction as someone
12:56 if we haven't asked God about our direction?
12:59 I want to read this really quick.
13:01 These are some words of wisdom that I heard.
13:05 And this is speaking to a young man
13:07 in regards to relationship he's currently pursuing.
13:10 "If the atmosphere surrounding her
13:11 is the most agreeable to you,
13:13 if she meets your standard for a wife
13:15 to stand at the head of your family,
13:18 if in your calm judgment
13:19 taken in the light given you of God,
13:21 her example would be worthy of imitation,
13:24 you may as well marry her."
13:26 So basically, if they're really agreeable to you,
13:29 if they meet your standards to be your wife,
13:32 and if they are living in...
13:37 If they are worthy to imitate,
13:40 then that somebody that is you can feel comfortable with.
13:43 We become like those
13:46 that we are the closest to, you know.
13:48 So this is a big decision.
13:49 I just encourage each of you
13:51 who are praying about Godly relationships
13:53 to continue praying but also prepare.
13:56 Let the Lord make you who He has called you to be.
13:59 And then He will bring you someone
14:01 that fits with that in His time.
14:03 Thank you for watching. We'll see you next time.