Participants: Xavier Morales (Host), Gordon Fraser, Denry White
Series Code: AFH
Program Code: AFH000009A
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00:01 A good father takes time to play
00:05 He has strong integrity 00:08 He is someone that is truly dedicated 00:11 He's not afraid to show his love 00:15 He's a caring provider 00:19 And, he's a kind, spiritual leader 00:22 These are just a few ways to describe a father's heart 00:30 Hi welcome to A Father's Heart. My name is Xavier and I'll be 00:33 your host. Today's topic is Mrs. Dad 00:36 Mom will never be dad. Often times in society we have 00:40 single mother homes and we put a lot of influence and burden 00:44 on the moms to become fathers 00:46 But what role does the father play in that? 00:49 And with me to talk about that today is Gordon and Denry 00:52 Welcome guys. How're you doing? Thank you 00:54 Doing good. Glad to be back man 00:56 Awesome, so what do you guys think, Mrs. Dad? 00:59 Mrs. Dad. What is the role of mom and dad, missing father 01:06 essentially. How does that play out? I mean can the mom partake 01:10 or become a father? You know we have a lot to be thankful for 01:14 for mothers. Especially mothers who don't have a husband 01:20 or the father of the child is not in the child's life 01:23 and they try to balance now, you know, not just the check book 01:29 but balance the meals, balance the car repair, balance all 01:36 these things, all these roles if if you want to give them roles 01:38 and take care of the child. Some times it seems impossible 01:45 but some of them do a good job trying to balance, this juggling 01:49 act you know. So just want to you know, the mothers we're 01:54 grateful for them, for those who do. Now the opposite 01:58 sometimes you have mothers who feel like they have to be so 02:03 independent of the fathers. They want nothing to do with father 02:08 And that's a little bit difficult, problematic today 02:13 God has given specific roles and I still firmly believe in roles 02:19 although that might not be the political correct thing, but 02:22 God has given fathers a specific role and given mothers specific 02:26 role and the role of the father cannot be replaced 02:31 Unfortunately some mothers through circumstances are forced 02:37 into being fathers because let's face it, the men are absent. 02:44 For whatever reason so that mother's placed in that role 02:48 And so she has to do the best that she can but what I have 02:51 found out is that a lot of times especially if there's a boy 02:57 that she's raising, it's quite difficult. 03:01 So the role of the father is important in the home 03:06 Cause you really can't replace them. 03:08 It's what we face today though. Why can't a mother become 03:14 a priest in the home? Why can't a mother fulfill the God-given 03:19 duty of the father if the father's missing though 03:21 I mean isn't what we're there for. God can do anything right? 03:25 Yeah. Right. But she can't fulfill the role of the father 03:29 she may substitute but she will never be, she'll never be able 03:33 to fulfill that role cause that is not how God has designed it 03:37 No one can fulfill the role of the father, but the father 03:41 in heaven. So no one can fulfill the father's role but 03:45 the earthly father and there's no way we could do it, so men 03:48 have to realize that so they need to be a part, they need to 03:53 stay in the home. I have a few tools here 03:56 just for a demonstration. If there's a nail that needs to be 04:03 hammered in, you know I could try to use the back of this 04:06 I mean it may get the job done depends on the texture of the 04:10 wood or, but it'll take longer 04:13 and actually I'm doing more damage to the screw driver 04:17 than if I had a hammer. Put the hammer in there, boom, boom 04:22 it's in. Now the reverse. If I need something to be screwed in 04:27 I can probably try to use the back of the hammer 04:30 and try to maneuver it in, but it will be difficult, it will be 04:34 harder, I mean sometimes it depends on if it's a corner 04:38 imagine like if it's in a corner this will block, you know it 04:41 will be almost impossible. But if I have a screw driver 04:45 Kerr go right it. And so similar like he said the role 04:51 it's not that a woman is not able to stand in the gap 04:58 but God made us with certain created roles, you know, certain 05:05 roles, duties. Even our bodies are designed for certain things 05:10 in certain ways so that we can fulfill those roles and if those 05:14 roles are not met, there's void there's empty spots 05:18 in the child's life and only the father could fill that role 05:25 and only the mother could fill the role, cause you don't want 05:29 to reverse that. Only a mother can fulfill her role and 05:33 only the father could fulfill his role 05:35 I was thinking about, say, football. I'm not big in playing 05:39 football and stuff like that. You are, ok, that's alright 05:45 But think about this. You have a boy and the mother's trying 05:49 to play football with that son you think that son is going to 05:53 go hard as he would with the father? 05:55 No, the son is going to hold back. And he wouldn't get the 05:58 full treatment that he would need, the full, you know 06:03 the full tackle or whatever from the mother. So really 06:06 she can't fill the role. The mother is the nourisher 06:09 she nourishes. But the father is there to make sure that 06:14 everything fits together. That's his role and really can't 06:18 I'm not going to disagree with you, I see where you're going 06:20 But some mothers will probably disagree with you on that one 06:24 I have experienced some mothers and have even interacted 06:28 my wife sometimes when she's out there with the boys 06:31 you hear her even more than me, Man up, you know 06:35 run that ball fast, what are you doing? 06:38 Let me show you how to tackle, let me show you how to get 06:41 this done right. So I can see that, but now let me give you 06:46 a personal example when I was going through puberty. 06:51 I was going through puberty. I had questions 06:54 The only person I could talk to for real was my mother 06:58 and it was very difficult as a boy discussing these things 07:03 with your mother. You know what sometimes she tried, the lady 07:06 tried. You know what she had to resort to? A book. 07:09 Or she had to ask male friends my step father crept in around 07:13 that time but he was still in the, I don't know, 07:16 this is my son I don't want to talk about his private parts 07:19 and all that, ugh, he felt uncomfortable just like me 07:22 But if I had my dad there and he was active I'm sure, hey dad 07:28 there's things changing, what's going on? 07:32 These things are important because, for example, I know 07:34 somebody that when they were growing up their dad wasn't 07:38 really there and they were going through a bad situation 07:41 you know, abuse. Not sexual but physical and psychological 07:47 And this person, they wanted their dad to rescue them 07:52 And she called and got answers and everything but her dad just 07:58 told her that your mother needs to deal with it, you need to 08:02 live with your mother cause you're a girl. 08:04 And to me, she wasn't asking to just say rescue me or relocate 08:10 me, she was just saying protect me. There are roles that 08:14 you know, mothers, single mothers, I tip my hat to them 08:20 I myself know one because I have an ex-wife. She's raising 08:24 our daughter but I'm there. There's roles that, you know 08:27 she recognizes that I'm married and I have my own family but 08:31 at the same time my wife now recognizes that I still have 08:34 a role to play for my daughter and I'm there. That's the 08:38 critical thing you know. We, a lot of times, we discard 08:41 we discard things, we discard our children just because 08:45 if she's a girl she lives with her mom that's all she needs 08:47 No she needs her father. If the child is a boy, that's ok 08:53 I'm just going to give him enough or talk to him over the 08:55 phone and give him coaching. No you need to be there physically 08:59 And the mothers that are out there are doing tremendous jobs 09:03 Yes they are. But it's not fair to them to take the part that 09:09 we play upon themselves 24/7 we need to step up and also 09:13 be there and alleviate some of the stress even though 09:16 we might not be with them, it's not fair to her or the child 09:20 So we need to as men, I believe and I know in my heart 09:23 that we need to work on being there for our children 09:26 no matter what the circumstance 09:29 The protective role, I mean you're alluding to that 09:32 the whole thing of protecting, the husband, the man 09:35 is protecting the child or the home environment 09:40 Personal experience, someone that I know, single mother 09:46 again we take our hats off to them, we cannot 09:50 we can't downplay that. But because the father wasn't there 09:54 cause the father was in a different state, living in a 09:58 different state, that child, that girl child 10:02 was vulnerable to sexual abuse 10:06 and it scarred her for most of her life 10:09 into her adult life, because the mother had to depend on 10:14 some folks that she knew 10:18 in the church, a man in the church to take care of 10:23 so when she's at work, checking on the girls, making sure that 10:26 they're ok. But instead of just checking in as a good person 10:31 he was no good and then how things happened to that young 10:36 lady that has scarred her for life. So the role of the man is 10:40 important. That's why I'm passionate about us men 10:44 staying in the home. To protect little girls, protect your boys 10:51 And then you know, we try, society is very, as a good 10:56 friend of mine would say, like to stereotype the roles 11:01 men have to have tools and all these things you know. 11:05 What about us men teaching our boys how to cry? 11:12 What it is to share your emotion Back in the days men died and 11:18 and still now it's statistically known, men die at a younger age 11:23 compared to their wives because men used to hold everything in 11:28 We still do. Don't talk about it Don't cry about it 11:32 We look at Christ. Now he didn't go around bawling as you say 11:38 in the island, bawling. He shed tears now and then 11:42 and He was still able to conduct Himself as a man, right? 11:49 But He shared His emotion. He shared it with His disciples 11:53 Hey I'm about to leave, I'm broken hearted, can you pray 11:56 little longer. He was tender with children 12:00 Come here, sit on my lap. Let me tell you how much I love you 12:04 WE try to make it that men are supposed to be this macho thing 12:09 And so when you even see these un-biblical marriages 12:14 You know what I'm talking about 12:17 same sex marriages. You have two females. You usually have 12:22 one female that's trying to be the super macho man 12:28 which is not what she's designed to be and which is not even the 12:32 image that God created the man to be. 12:34 And so you have those extremes because of the world's view 12:38 that the woman is the only one that's supposed to have emotions 12:41 the only one that's supposed to cry but that's not 12:43 we need to teach our men and even our daughters, you know 12:48 how to gauge their emotions. 12:50 But I do think, I hear what you're saying but I do think 12:54 that that's the reason why God has created it where there's a 12:58 husband and a wife in the home because the emotional, 13:03 that nourishment part we can't really do a good job. 13:07 we can try but men we need a woman to really teach our boys 13:14 how to be gentle, how to be soft you need a man on the other side 13:17 teaching boys how to be hard and teaching girls how to stand up 13:24 for what they want. This balance needs to be in the home and 13:28 I believe that's why God said it's not good for man to be 13:31 alone I'm going to make a fitting mate put them together 13:34 and in that environment you have a child 13:39 And so both parties have a role in the development of this child 13:45 Unfortunately through sin we're doing all kinds of stuff now 13:49 But if there's a home and a man is not in the home 13:53 for whatever reason that man needs to play an important role 14:00 in the child's life even though he's not at home. 14:04 Go over, spend time, whatever you need to do 14:06 You need to be involved in helping that young man or 14:10 that young lady to become all that they can be 14:14 What's crazy about all this is as a result of this lack of 14:17 parent or father in the home we have things like people 14:21 literally going out and changing their body, change their sexes 14:27 men trying to become women and women trying to become men 14:29 and it's not anymore about dress up, it's literally they're 14:33 trying to physically change and I'm just, you know, this is so 14:38 the lack of father and along with other things but a lot of 14:42 because the devil seeks to destroy families. 14:43 And the lack of fathers in the home and let's just say 14:47 for whatever reason, whatever circumstance we don't condone 14:50 babies outside of marriage and anything like that, but reality 14:54 is that we see that and those fathers are still missing too 14:56 So because of all that we have our children changing physically 15:00 changing their sex into some thing else. 15:03 To fit it. God made a mistake, no He did not 15:07 We made the mistake in not being there for you 15:10 You know we have so many different things that are 15:14 happening to our children because we just cannot get 15:18 our act together and the homes are being broken up and fathers 15:21 are going missing and fathers are not being there and children 15:24 are doing all kinds of things to find the identity that can 15:28 only be found in Jesus Christ through the model of father 15:33 and mother. You know we have a real epidemic in our society 15:38 and we have men engaging in homosexual marriages 15:45 and one trying to be the female and I'm not saying these are bad 15:49 people, they're not bad people they're just misguided 15:54 They're still children of God. But us who are no better than 15:59 they are, because we're all sinners, we need to do something 16:04 about standing together, not in sin but in recognition 16:08 of the One that takes away the sin and empowers us to be the 16:12 fathers that we need to be. Because we're losing it 16:16 We're losing it psychologically physically, molecularly 16:19 we're losing it. I think we talked about this already 16:25 Growing up because the father, my dad, of course he was in 16:31 and out working I found myself playing around with my mom's 16:36 high heeled shoes and I wore them going around the house 16:40 I had no idea why I'm doing that. Thank God I had a balance 16:47 But what is happening when you have these two men trying to 16:56 one trying to be a mother and one trying to be a father 16:58 however they're doing it, and you have a child involved 17:02 I do believe there's some misguided feelings and some 17:06 misguided situations that happen in their lives 17:11 I have friends, the father was out busy most of the time 17:17 traveling, preaching, doing all kinds, so the mother 17:20 was that person in the home spent most of the time 17:24 both of those young men they have altered life styles 17:32 totally altered lifestyles. Some times I wonder is it because 17:39 the father wasn't a permanent figure in the home? 17:44 Could it be? I don't know. But I do know men play a strong role 17:52 in the home as God placed, God put us there for that reason 17:56 to be that strong person. 17:59 When Adam and Eve ate the fruit I don't think we realized 18:02 the repercussions of what sin did 18:06 and a lot of babies are born genetically modified because 18:13 of sin, ok. Whether that's emotionally mentally physically 18:19 Right? Physically. There are unfortunately some individuals 18:23 who are born with dual sex, whether it's shown outside or 18:29 inside and a lot of it could be mental 18:33 Now if you don't have someone guiding you 18:36 whether what extreme that could be, guiding you'd say, hey son 18:41 I see with some heels on, okay we laugh at that but you'd look 18:46 better in some sneakers. 18:50 Oh you are supposed to be wearing sneakers. 18:52 You see what I'm saying. But you see how we do it, a lot of times 18:55 because we have this stereotype that you know macho is what we 19:02 see back in wrestling and all that, we see man all this 19:05 just steroid men, always muscles right? And so we always go 19:10 to extreme but we forget even as men to treat our children 19:16 with delicacy. The perfect man is someone who stays grace 19:21 and so instead of what we always say, as soon as we see them 19:25 a boy putting on a dress or whatever, boy what're you doing 19:30 callin him names, loony, such as all these names 19:33 we should, in love, just like how Christ dealt with us 19:38 Hey I see what you're doin there let me show you a better way 19:44 Let me show you a better way, look at how I dress 19:49 you like daddy's suit? Model that. So now the child is 19:54 learnin. Hmm. So instead of the scorn because now when you scorn 19:58 them they'll go down and find someone who can relate with them 20:03 Oh, he's wearin you know strange excuse me, I have this and now 20:09 you don't know his standards I'm just using an example 20:12 but you don't know his standards and so now somebody else 20:15 is influencing your child. But if we do it in grace 20:19 we can be such tremendous guidance to some of these 20:22 young men and young ladies who have been misguided because of 20:26 sin. I want to take it back to what you said you know 20:29 number one, we can't treat our children with delicacy 20:33 they're not food. I remember you said delicacy, I was laughin 20:36 I said delicacy? I meant delicate 20:41 Even though you feel like you're so cute, hahahaha 20:44 when they're babies, when they get teenagers, get out 20:49 Be a little softie. But you know we do need to treat our kids 20:54 delicately as men, even as men 20:56 And we've got to remember that mom will never be dad 21:00 not that they don't strive to be the best father they can be 21:06 as mothers but in reality you can't. 21:09 We need to be there. Even if your parents are together 21:13 even if you don't go separate, whatever the case may be fathers 21:17 need to be present not just physically but emotionally 21:21 psychologically, spiritually, because that's one thing again 21:24 it's just spiritually, what does it do spiritually for these 21:28 children, I mean what does it look like from the Biblical 21:30 perspective? It tears them down A view of God, of course 21:36 has been marred because they're not seeing that father in the 21:40 home, or they're just seeing the mom. It does tear them down 21:45 But I wanna talk about something real quick. I notice now that 21:48 there's a new thing they do in the hospital when the babies 21:50 are born and I think it's great is that they actually have the 21:54 dad will take his shirt off and put that child on 21:57 dad's chest and I think that's a wonderful bonding thing 22:01 and do the same thing to the mother. It shows that somehow 22:05 in society we realize that there's some importance in that 22:09 initial bond. My son, when he was born he was home you know 22:15 his place was on daddy's chest and when my daughter came 22:20 I figured where should she be so her place was in my arms 22:24 and that to me they found comfort, they were comfortable 22:29 there and not only that but I prayed with them. 22:34 I prayed for them and I was there, so that spiritual role 22:40 was of vital importance from the inception. 22:44 Let me address something also. I mentioned it earlier. 22:47 That you have mothers who disconnect the child from their 22:53 fathers because their relationship was broken 22:59 so the child gets punished because of whatever happened 23:02 in that relationship. And then you have mothers who 23:08 tell the child, your dad is no good. All these kind of names 23:13 all these lies. And so the child at times grows up hating the 23:18 father and sometimes these fathers they want to play a role 23:22 in their child's life but they have been given restraint orders 23:27 their privileges have been taken away, all these things 23:29 and they can't get involved so now the child grows up 23:32 20 something years old and mad at dad 23:36 for no reason at all, because why? The mother was upset 23:41 about whatever happened in the relationship and instead of just 23:44 dealing with that between her and the father she puts all that 23:48 all that on the child and now the child lives with that guilt 23:52 and that anger for the rest of her life and now the cycle just 23:55 gonna repeat over and over and over again. 23:58 But even so I still feel, and I know that happens, but that 24:04 father needs to do everything possible. But sometimes they 24:07 can't. There's a court system Sometimes I've dealt with some 24:11 guys, one guy and he tried, he tried everything yes he does get 24:17 once but what he really wants to do, everything he does 24:21 she'll undo at home. Yes, that's the difficult part. She really 24:26 hates him. And so that's what I'm saying, a lot of times 24:30 whatever happened between you whatever's broken, whatever 24:33 it was your choice. This child had nothing to do with that 24:36 That needs to be between you and your husband, you can hate 24:39 each other but give the man the privilege to raise his child 24:43 to be part of the child's life, that's all I'm saying. 24:46 And I agree with you but there are some men that just give up 24:51 after a while. So you know what Forget it, I'm not gonna fight. 24:55 But I'm gonna say, fight. Fight until the end because the child 25:01 needs you and I believe it's time for men to stand up 25:06 Yes. It is. Stand up and say my child is important to me 25:11 so I'm going to do everything that I possibly can to be in 25:16 the child's life. It's time for men to stand up and stop making 25:19 excuses that they can't be in their child's life. 25:22 I heard a story about a young man, recently said, his father 25:27 relocated, relocated so he can be there in the area even though 25:33 the mother and him, the relationship was broken 25:36 he relocated (that's a powerful father) so he could be there 25:39 he gave up his job, I mean that is what I'm talkin about 25:42 whoever he is, I give a dab to him. He relocated 25:46 so he could be, a lot of fathers uh, that's that's your business 25:50 you move on with your life, I'll send you a letter now 25:52 and then. It's crazy because as I think about it you know 25:56 when mom tries to be dad that's just not gonna happen 25:59 No. And right now I would hate to see if God gave up on us 26:06 the way we give up on our children. I would hate to see 26:09 that day. That would be a dark day. Mercy. You know even Jesus 26:14 Himself on the cross felt the distance from the Father 26:18 even though His Father hadn't given up on Him. But the sin 26:22 that we ourselves put on His shoulders, He felt it so deeply 26:26 that He felt a disconnect from the Father and I'm telling you 26:31 I'm telling you there's no suffering like that if our Maker 26:35 if our perfect creator suffered separation from the Father 26:39 imagine what our children would feel a separation from their 26:45 fathers. There is no excuse. Look even if you have the worst 26:51 wife or the worst ex-wife in the world and I know guys like 26:56 this, they fight, fight, fight the kids grow up and they 27:00 won't know and the thing is, the sad part is that the mothers 27:03 that do do that the kids end up hating them. Exactly. 27:05 And that's the bad part. So creating this atmosphere 27:09 number one needs to be a father's job to, you know, help 27:13 the kids even though the mother maybe against them, 27:15 help the kids to see that mom is just misguided. 27:18 We still need to love her and respect her, she's your mother 27:21 So understand that. So with that guys, we ran out of time so 27:26 We need to do a Part 2 27:29 To our viewers out there, thank you for joining us today 27:31 If you have any questions please send them to AFH@3ABN.ORG 27:36 AFH@3ABN.ORG 27:39 Fathers out there, again the mom will be a great mom but 27:43 she cannot play the role of dad. You're still not without excuse 27:48 step up, be there even if you can't get along with her 27:51 even if you're married and do get along, doesn't matter what 27:54 the cause or circumstance, be there for your children 27:57 Please. Their life depends on it Thank you for watching. |
Revised 2017-01-11