A Father's Heart

Fatherhood 101

Three Angels Broadcasting Network

Program transcript

Participants: Xavier Morales (Host), Gordon Fraser, Denry White


Series Code: AFH

Program Code: AFH000010A

00:01 A good father takes time to play
00:05 He has strong integrity
00:07 He is someone that is truly dedicated
00:12 He is not afraid to show his love
00:15 He is a caring provider
00:19 And, he is a kind, spiritual leader
00:22 These are just a few ways to describe a father's heart
00:29 Hi welcome to A Father's Heart I'm your host Xavier
00:33 and today we're talking about fatherhood
00:36 The basic steps on how to be a father
00:38 what does it take, what does it look like?
00:41 Is it impossible? Is it some thing that's written in stone?
00:45 What to do? And with me to talk about it today
00:47 is Gordon and Denry. Welcome to Fatherhood 101 guys
00:51 Thank you. Thank you for havin us. Alright. How you doin today?
00:54 Glad to be here. So, may I ask you this?
00:58 When you had kids did they come with a manual
01:01 on what to do as a father?
01:04 Or some assembly required?
01:08 No, there was no owner's manual I mean, you know, if I wanna be
01:12 I can say the Bible, but you know there was no owner's manual
01:16 some of the things that I've been through with my children
01:19 you know, you can't duplicate that. You can't duplicate that
01:24 But no, no manual
01:26 So for me when I come home, my kids want to play
01:28 my daughter wants to play, I pretty much loosen my tie
01:32 I take it off, I fix my collar I'm like, ok kids, I'm like ok
01:37 let's play ah, cause I'm tired you know
01:40 I'm tired, I'm exhausted and my daughter just picks on her
01:42 little toys and little girl, ooh let's play with the toys
01:46 I'm like, I know how to play I was a boy and she's a girl
01:51 Ok, let's play. This is Enid and make the noises, make voices
01:54 and she gets a kick out of it you know. I grab the different
01:57 characters she has and I make the little voices and she just
02:00 gets a kick out of it and for me, I never thought how
02:04 some things were so simple to do and sometimes I over complicate
02:09 them, trying to be the perfect father or you know trying to
02:13 follow some kind of manual I don't know, what do you guys
02:16 did you guys go through that too, or
02:17 Yeah, mine are now 19 and 16 but still there's a different bondin
02:25 time that we use but when they were growin up we would
02:28 my fun time or our fun time was fall, with the leaves you know
02:32 we'd be out there raking leaves then put them in a big pile
02:35 and we all jump in the leaves havin fun. Those were fun times
02:39 that we've had. Summer we'd put the little cones, soccer cones
02:46 my son loves soccer and we'd be out there just kickin, him
02:51 and dad and my daughter and you know we'd just be kickin
02:54 having a great time, bondin like that. No manual but we just
03:00 make it up as we go. Yeah That's basically what we did
03:03 Just make it up as you go
03:04 Sometimes I think we, as parents get so caught up into puttin our
03:10 child in the next step that we don't appreciate where
03:13 they're at. You know think about it when they're born ok
03:16 Oh, ooh baby, baby. So happy but next thing we want them to
03:21 drink out of the bottle and after the bottle we want them to
03:24 sit up, right. Then after sit up we want them to roll over
03:28 and after roll over we want them to start standin, after they
03:31 stand we want them to start crawlin, runnin all these things
03:34 and then when they're growin up, we're like where did you go?
03:37 No, come back, come back. Come spend some time with me
03:43 and so you kind of rush them and when they're gone
03:47 or growin up, or your child is 19 years old, you know. I met
03:51 you guys what 5, 6 years ago I'm like wow your son is about
03:55 to go out, he's ready to leave the coop and so spending that
04:01 time with them at their age, you talked about soccer, every
04:06 year my son changes. One year it's soccer. Last year was
04:11 soccer, I thought he was gonna be the next world superstar
04:16 out there. This year it's basketball. I don't know what
04:19 next year will be, you know
04:21 It's funny cause when you have only one child because you're
04:26 used to playing at the level of this child, like for me
04:30 I play with my 4-year old, she likes to play with toys
04:34 now I have a newborn. The newborn I'm like ok what do
04:37 I do with you? I sit there and I'm like I make all these noises
04:43 for her you know, what're you doin there little girl
04:46 and she just starts laughin
04:48 and I'm like, I'm thinkin in my head this sounds dumb
04:51 but it's ok, I'm like you know she loves it, she laughs, she
04:55 cherishes that time and I know my 4-year old like she whenever
05:00 when she turns 5 she wants to play soccer. So I know she wants
05:06 to play that and that's fine but it's interesting the little
05:09 things that we can do as basic steps just to spend time with
05:13 our kids and a lot of times we think they know what
05:16 they wanna do but in reality they can tell us what they
05:20 want to do, what they want to play, what they wanna do
05:22 obviously you know we set some parameters because kids
05:26 sometimes you know they have this imagination that they
05:28 can fly and it's like get off that couch
05:31 don't be doin that. Like my daughter, she's like, sometimes
05:34 she did a, couple times she'll get up on the couch
05:36 she's like 3 little monkeys jumpin on the bed, and I said
05:39 one fell down and got a whoopin don't do that
05:42 now you want to pay the doctor bill if you break your leg
05:44 little girl? Where's your money? You gonna pay the doctor bill?
05:48 And she just starts laughin and you know we laugh about it
05:51 but then we talk about it, I say hey really it's dangerous
05:55 and things like that but we need to learn how to have fun
05:58 we can, I take it as being a kid again.
06:02 Like sometimes my wife will be like, where you going?
06:04 I say we're goin outside to get messy, we're gettin dirty
06:08 and then we're goin to get dirty again. She's like
06:10 you better not come in this house like that
06:12 Cause they're out there. But it's a chance for us to be kids
06:16 again, as well. And not just being kids again
06:21 but a chance for them to really appreciate life.
06:25 You know too much we just suffocate joy out of life
06:31 we really do, we really do.
06:33 When you read Scripture, it was not so
06:36 The Jews had a great time, that's why they had so much
06:39 feasts. All these things that God has done, every time God did
06:42 something miraculous they celebrated it. This was a
06:45 great time. Havin a child was a great time, a weddin
06:49 was a great time. These were great times and so kids
06:54 want to have these great times with us and sometimes it's the
06:57 smallest, littlest thing ever
07:02 Ok, couple days ago my daughter, it's interesting, our kids say
07:08 sometimes the same thing. My son used to say when he was,
07:11 the oldest one, he used to always say to me
07:13 Daddy, could you play with me?
07:16 And that was when I didn't know any better
07:19 startin off. And I used to not shun him but, Daddy's busy
07:23 right now. I gotta study, I got this test or I gotta go to work
07:27 We'll make it up another time ok? Sometimes I did, and
07:32 unfortunately sometimes I didn't.
07:34 And he still says, he's 9 and he still says it. Now my 2nd
07:37 son says the same thing. Daddy can you play with me?
07:40 And I was like, and he doesn't like to play sports, he's not a
07:43 sports person. He likes to do diggin up the dirt, get worms
07:49 chasin bunnies, he likes that stuff. He says he wants to be
07:52 a scientist. And until now, the baby, a couple days ago
07:57 you know she's goin to be 3 and she said it the first time
08:00 I heard it, Daddy, and I was packing, I was about to rush
08:04 to go someplace, Daddy can you play with me?
08:07 I literally dropped everything right, got on the floor,
08:12 you know what she was playing with? 2 cardboard boxes
08:15 WE had a race with them. We had a race. She was laughing
08:20 she was cracklin, then we tried to wrestle with the cardboard
08:25 a lot of parents think you gotta get the kids brand new stuff
08:29 the biggest toy, the nicest electronic. They don't want that
08:33 They want you, that's it.
08:36 Just want you. Yeah. Bein there Father 101, bein there for your
08:40 children is important. I mean just bein able to play with them
08:44 bein able to listen to them. I think one of the greatest things
08:47 that we need to do is be able to listen to them. They'll tell
08:50 us what they wanna do. Sometimes fathers, we want to impose
08:56 our sports things on them you know, we love soccer so let's
09:01 go play soccer. We love basket ball, we want them to be the
09:04 next Michael Jordan or whatever so we're out there tryin to
09:07 make, but they don't wanna do that. So that's alright
09:11 so one wants to dig up and play worms so you get down and
09:15 play with worms. Let me share some thing, let me share something
09:20 I said before that, you know, and I prettied up
09:24 like my kids used to say, Daddy let me play with you
09:27 There was a very, I learned the hard way
09:32 And I thank God that I didn't learn, it could've been harder
09:36 my son is asthmatic and one time he had an episode where we
09:40 thought we were gonna lose him
09:42 we were in an emergency room in the hospital and all I can hear
09:45 in my head was, Daddy can you play with me
09:51 It was just like it kept going through my head, Daddy
09:55 can you play with me. And I was like, yes son just come out
10:01 of this, just come out of this you know. I'm praying to God
10:04 I was like bring him out so I can play with him
10:08 When he came out, thank God he came out and so now when he
10:12 asks me, when any of them asks me as much as I can stop what
10:16 I'm doing I'll play with them and if I can't, I say
10:20 just give me a few minutes and I'll be right there because
10:24 I don't want to give them a false impression that every time
10:29 they say, because sometimes unfortunately you just can't
10:33 you just are not able to. I'm sure he'll want to play
10:38 with me right now but I'm not here and I can't wait till
10:41 when I get home and we're gonna play no matter how tired I am
10:44 we're gonna play, we're gonna bond rather.
10:47 But I think being able to schedule time
10:50 say, if, let's say you can't right now but you'll say
10:56 in an hour or 2 o'clock or when I come back home or whatever
11:00 I'll come and then we'll have some playtime. So give them
11:02 something to look forward to, not just that you know, ok
11:06 Daddy's gonna come and play. Give them a time
11:10 so they know you're coming out to play at that time
11:13 I think the basic premise that we have spoken about is
11:16 the fact that we need to get to know our children
11:19 Get to know them and that's a critical part of parenting
11:24 lot of parents, I mean it's natural you go based on what
11:27 you know. But a lot of times we need to get to know our children
11:31 and know them versus knowing us and knowing them and making
11:37 this weird assumption that we know what they want
11:40 instead of just learning who they are. I mean we give them
11:44 the basic tools. We train em and we teach em and we guide em
11:47 but we also get to need to know them and their character, even
11:50 though there's 2 DNAs in there, they're still their own person
11:55 own character, who they are, so I mean the Bible says, Train up
11:59 a child in the way they should go. What better way than getting
12:03 to know them. Let me speak on that for a second and
12:06 I've learned in my studies, there's two applications
12:13 I'm getting from that. The first Proverbs 22:7
12:18 Train up a child in the way he should go
12:19 for when he is old he'll not depart from it.
12:23 And so the priority to that is train him in the way of the Lord
12:28 If you look at the prodigal son you know he came to a point
12:31 where he's like, Hey, when everything went bad
12:35 I got a father I can go home to So you want to instill that
12:38 not that they're not going to depart, they're gonna leave the
12:41 faith or whatever but they'll have it in their conscience that
12:44 Hey I have a father who loves me. But it also says to train
12:48 him, train up a child in the way he or she should grow
12:53 and like you said before, sometimes we try to
12:55 say, we'll make this child into an athlete
12:58 they don't want to be an athlete he wants to be a scientist
13:01 You know have you ever, I remember in my home
13:05 every time you were listening to non-Christian music
13:11 we would always get a scolding or some secular music was ok
13:17 but as long as it was certain things like you know, certain
13:20 genre of music, I don't want to hear that in my house
13:23 those kind of things. But I came to the realization
13:26 instead of doing that, scolding, because a scolding only causes
13:30 rebellion later on. Now that I have my own house I'll listen
13:33 to whatever I want to. Whatever happened to just sit down with
13:38 your child, put your headphones on, listen to what they're
13:42 listening to and discuss it with them. These words, what do
13:47 these words mean to you? When he says these things, when he
13:51 says these things about women what do you think that says?
13:54 Now what if he said that about your mom?
13:56 So now you're training them in the Lord but you're also getting
14:00 to know what is it they like but you're explaining to them
14:04 why the Lord's choices are better.
14:08 And I think we miss that. A lot of times we wanna be dictator
14:11 in our home but we don't want to be a guidance counselor
14:14 We don't want to give them guidance.
14:16 We were driving back from Arizona, we took a road trip
14:20 and we're in the car. We stopped at a rest stop
14:24 And the kids were listening to Man in the Mirror
14:29 And I said, you know instead of shutting it down,
14:34 I listened to it with them I used it as a teachable moment
14:37 I said, let's talk about the words, let's talk about lyrics
14:41 and we were able to have, probably a good two hour
14:45 conversation just listening to the lyrics and being able to
14:50 analyze it. So you know what this is what he's saying
14:53 this is what he's saying, this is what the lyrics are saying
14:57 So instead of shutting it down I used it as a teachable moment
15:01 to teach so that they can listen to things cause they're not
15:06 going to be with us all the time.
15:08 I think that's important, and when they're not with us
15:10 they need to be able to know how to analyze so they can
15:14 navigate their way in the world. That's important because
15:17 there's so much things out there like music, movies, that are
15:21 you know influencing our children and how they do things
15:25 the way they do and a lot of times and I think to be
15:27 politically correct or whatever you wanna do, whatever you
15:30 wanna say, however you explain it we tell them no, don't do it.
15:33 Don't listen to it, don't watch it. A lot of times we need to
15:36 if they've already, obviously you don't introduce them to it
15:40 but if they've already been introduced to something
15:42 instead of scolding them explain to them as to why, cause if you
15:48 notice the way God does things our Holy Father does things
15:52 He doesn't just tell you no He tells you no, sometimes He
15:57 says you know you need to wait a little bit, I'll explain why
16:00 just trust me and then He explains it to you through
16:03 His word, through His character, through His love
16:05 and we need to exemplify that where if our kids are doing
16:08 something, yes, sometimes it's immediate, Hey don't do that
16:12 right now but I'll explain to you, I promise
16:13 Remember to follow up on that too. If you wanna explain
16:16 something to them because it's important
16:18 to give kids choices, even from early on. My daughter has been
16:25 starting to build choices you know and, simple choices
16:29 you know like, you can eat this it's sweet, it's good but
16:34 if you eat that then this is the consequence.
16:36 And teaching them what that does not simply saying no
16:40 because curiosity, curiosity can make something bad happen
16:45 I had a, I remember once I had a once I was cutting a tomato
16:49 and the knife was up on the counter my daughter was next
16:53 to me and we moved out of the way and I bumped into her and
16:57 the knife fell on the ground. She wasn't anywhere near it
17:01 but she looked at it and she you could see the mind just
17:05 I wanna touch that, I wanna play with that. So I saw that and I
17:08 sat down with her on the floor. We sat down and I held it in
17:11 my hand and I explained to her what a knife does and if you
17:14 touch this it does this and if you touch, and we just want
17:18 the best for you and we don't want you to get hurt
17:20 that's why we want to leave the knife alone till you get older
17:24 and you're able to use it appropriately. And it sounds
17:27 redundant to a little kid but I'm telling you it works
17:30 it works. Don't diminish the intelligence of your children
17:34 You know read with them, talk with them, play with them
17:37 you know watch movies with them just spend time with them
17:42 It's not difficult. One of the best times I have with my
17:47 4- year old because my new-born is not there yet.
17:50 One of the best times is every year we have a special
17:53 father-daughter night. There is a particular restaurant
17:56 that does it. They have every thing set up for fathers and
18:00 daughters and I get in my best suit, she gets in her best dress
18:03 she gets her hair all done and I get all done, look at how
18:08 pretty, you know and then we go to the restaurant and we sit
18:12 down. She has a little rose next to her, we sit down we have a
18:15 father-daughter night that is our time.
18:18 And it also shows her that Daddy cares and this is the way
18:23 a future man needs to treat me even though I don't know anythin
18:28 about that right now. Jesus is their man. They need to wait
18:32 till He comes back and they gotta marry Him on their own
18:35 But at the same time, if the time comes which I'm praying God
18:39 will come before that, please but if the time comes she's able
18:42 to know and understand how a man should treat her.
18:46 Exactly and we don't realize how much learning, children want to
18:51 learn, they desire to learn and actually that's one of the
18:55 reasons they're rebellious when they don't learn
18:59 When you just keep saying no, no, no and they're like, ok what
19:03 do I do with these things? If you've ever noticed like ok
19:07 your child could be playing with one of those, my wife and I
19:11 our first child, you know how it is, the first child
19:13 you invest everything, all the toys, all the colorful stuff
19:17 we bought him all these colorful toys, all these things, right
19:20 and I'm on my laptop and I'm goin at it
19:23 you know what he wants to play with? My laptop
19:26 Do you know why? Because he sees me doing it. And so
19:31 I learned this from a mother, she said if you want, actually
19:36 no it was a guy, he said if you want, do you want them to play
19:40 with a certain thing? You have to get down and play with it
19:44 show them how to play with it. You know continue doing it and
19:49 then just the human nature, I want to do that too. But if you
19:54 just say go play with your toys I'm busy, well I guess whatever
19:59 this is must be very important to Daddy so let me get the
20:03 chance to play with it also. Because for them whatever you
20:06 bondin, they're lookin at this you're bonding with this
20:10 so this is important. So I'm gonna come now and bond with
20:13 that too because it's important to you.
20:16 So if it's important to you it's important to me
20:18 So if we make the books, the toys, prayer
20:27 music. My son can sing. You can appreciate it because you
20:30 love to sing. My son, the older one he loves to sing
20:35 and he can sing. He loves it. And so I had to invest in him
20:41 in his music, you know invest because it's something he loves
20:45 to do and so what they love to do we need to invest in them
20:50 and let them know that we care.
20:52 And not necessarily have them love what we love.
20:55 Because we love it. A lot of parents do that and kids don't
20:59 want to do, want to have any thing to do with anything
21:02 later on in life. You know when my son was very young I bought
21:08 this game, this phonics game and we'd be playin it on the
21:12 floor, doin it together just to help him to appreciate reading
21:17 and education. There's so much we can do with our children to help
21:21 them as fathers. I also love to just be in their presence
21:27 I am dreading the day my son is going to go off to college
21:35 and then my daughter. I am because I'm like what am I
21:38 gonna do, they're not there. I know my wife is there of course
21:42 but both of us will be having the same experience
21:45 but I seem to have more of the anxiety of him not being there
21:50 who's going to come into the office and just sit with me
21:53 who's going to come and just sit and say, Dad this and that
21:57 and just start talking. I just know that I'm gonna have to let
22:03 him go sometime but as long as I can have him
22:07 we will do things together, just talking together. When they
22:12 get to a certain age they need to talk, they need your guidance
22:16 and if we're not guiding them somebody else is doing it
22:19 You know it builds their character too
22:21 because for example you're playing with them and the game
22:24 goes wrong how you respond
22:28 So if you act frustrated how do you think they'll be in life?
22:32 So when something goes wrong, man, they're just gonna be like
22:37 dad or mom or whoever he knows playing with them and
22:40 then the sad thing is if you're always upset, I don't like this
22:46 what do you think they're gonna do?
22:48 But if you teach them patience it's a great time when you're
22:52 bondin with them to teach them patience
22:53 teach them the fruits of the Spirit. Why you're doin this
22:57 demonstrate it, to be loving to be kind. You can even teach
23:01 them things like how to take care of their stuff
23:04 Put your toys here
23:06 It doesn't go everywhere, it goes right here
23:09 Those days, always a learning moment
23:11 And memories, memories they will cherish
23:15 Of the few memories I have one that I cherish
23:20 is not only going on road trips is that sometimes on Saturday
23:26 nights when my dad was finished with everything he would take us
23:29 to get some ice cream. The whole family get in the car
23:33 it was a big thing.
23:35 And just those moments mean a whole lot to me and I know
23:41 a whole lot to me and a whole lot to any child
23:43 To be able to spend those moments with the parents
23:46 Those are some of the best moments ever.
23:48 My dad, I don't remember anything like, I remember
23:51 specific moments but the most important part to me
23:55 was his character. The way he would come home tired, I know
23:59 what job he did, he worked hard you know it was manual labor
24:03 he just sweated it out and he would be the one to pick me up
24:07 from school because my mom, my dad, we lived in Puerto Rico
24:10 we had only one vehicle and it was his work van
24:13 so he would pick me up from school and he would always stop
24:16 and get a slushy and we'd talk all the way home
24:19 how was your day in school, how did you do, how are your grades
24:21 and at home, I know he was tired I know he was exhausted
24:24 but somewhere, somehow he mustered up the energy
24:27 to either watch me play, just to be there or just to play with me
24:32 You know that meant more to me than anything specific
24:36 that was done. It's just the fact that he cared. Even if he
24:39 didn't play with me he just sat down and watched me, smiling
24:41 that's all I cared about. And sometimes we, again, we just
24:45 overthink it or think we need to do it this way. Not really. It's
24:49 just the simplest things in life and building traditions. WE have
24:54 a Sabbath tradition. We learned it in Israel when my wife and I
24:57 visited Israel. They have a tradition over there in which
25:00 they collect candies over the week and then on Sabbath
25:05 when Sabbath starts they give the kids their little bags of
25:09 treats. It's like Christmas every Friday, wham Christmas!
25:15 we started a tradition in which we have special plates,
25:18 special meal ready for Sabbath and it's just you know memories
25:22 creating memories and it's just a wonderful feeling even when
25:27 you feel like you're not doing a good job
25:31 What about those dads, like I'm busy, I travel a lot
25:35 so that's part of my work and I have to do it even though I
25:42 travel sometimes, when I travel every day I speak to the kids
25:49 call 'em up. How are things going, how was your day?
25:52 And I learned that from Stephen Covey. Spend time just calling
25:58 them, checking on their day, see, every day I've done it
26:02 since, I mean, Sunday night, Monday night you know
26:05 just checkin in on them because I'm interested in what's going
26:08 on in their day and last night my son even called me
26:12 because I called him and you know when they get older
26:15 they miss your calls and he missed my call so he called me
26:18 back, hey dad just checkin in to see how you're doing
26:21 how things are going. Those are important things.
26:24 that I think parents should do
26:28 I don't know if that's the proper term, I started exercisin
26:31 and not necessarily because I want to lose weight or anything
26:36 I found myself, my knees hurtin when my kids wanted me going out
26:40 on the floor and so because I knew that this was gonna be
26:43 this was gonna be a long term thing, and then my son
26:48 my son is very athletic and the other one too I said I'm gonna
26:53 have to keep up with these kids so I wanna be as healthy as I
26:57 can to stay around as long as I can by God's grace
27:01 and one of the things too I don't want them to be suffering
27:04 to take care of me, I want to do the best I can so that I can
27:07 spend these times with them.
27:09 It's amazing you know, I'm telling you. We can go on
27:12 and on. There's so many different things we can do, but
27:15 we have to pick this up another time because we're out of time
27:18 right now. To the viewers at home, Fatherhood 101
27:22 The first thing is get to know your child
27:25 Second thing, spend time with your child
27:28 Third thing, be there for your child.
27:31 Fourth, pray for your child and dedicate time to them in prayer
27:35 through prayer, with prayer. It is not easy. Again, it's not
27:41 the hardest thing in the world
27:42 It's just you accepting the fact that you are a father
27:47 and you're not going to do it right, even right now. You're
27:50 probably playing with your child. You're probably messin up
27:52 and it's ok. You don't have to be perfect. You just need to be
27:58 a father. Thank you for watching


Revised 2017-01-18