Participants: Xavier Morales (Host), Gordon Fraser, Denry White
Series Code: AFH
Program Code: AFH000010A
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00:01 A good father takes time to play
00:05 He has strong integrity 00:07 He is someone that is truly dedicated 00:12 He is not afraid to show his love 00:15 He is a caring provider 00:19 And, he is a kind, spiritual leader 00:22 These are just a few ways to describe a father's heart 00:29 Hi welcome to A Father's Heart I'm your host Xavier 00:33 and today we're talking about fatherhood 00:36 The basic steps on how to be a father 00:38 what does it take, what does it look like? 00:41 Is it impossible? Is it some thing that's written in stone? 00:45 What to do? And with me to talk about it today 00:47 is Gordon and Denry. Welcome to Fatherhood 101 guys 00:51 Thank you. Thank you for havin us. Alright. How you doin today? 00:54 Glad to be here. So, may I ask you this? 00:58 When you had kids did they come with a manual 01:01 on what to do as a father? 01:04 Or some assembly required? 01:08 No, there was no owner's manual I mean, you know, if I wanna be 01:12 I can say the Bible, but you know there was no owner's manual 01:16 some of the things that I've been through with my children 01:19 you know, you can't duplicate that. You can't duplicate that 01:24 But no, no manual 01:26 So for me when I come home, my kids want to play 01:28 my daughter wants to play, I pretty much loosen my tie 01:32 I take it off, I fix my collar I'm like, ok kids, I'm like ok 01:37 let's play ah, cause I'm tired you know 01:40 I'm tired, I'm exhausted and my daughter just picks on her 01:42 little toys and little girl, ooh let's play with the toys 01:46 I'm like, I know how to play I was a boy and she's a girl 01:51 Ok, let's play. This is Enid and make the noises, make voices 01:54 and she gets a kick out of it you know. I grab the different 01:57 characters she has and I make the little voices and she just 02:00 gets a kick out of it and for me, I never thought how 02:04 some things were so simple to do and sometimes I over complicate 02:09 them, trying to be the perfect father or you know trying to 02:13 follow some kind of manual I don't know, what do you guys 02:16 did you guys go through that too, or 02:17 Yeah, mine are now 19 and 16 but still there's a different bondin 02:25 time that we use but when they were growin up we would 02:28 my fun time or our fun time was fall, with the leaves you know 02:32 we'd be out there raking leaves then put them in a big pile 02:35 and we all jump in the leaves havin fun. Those were fun times 02:39 that we've had. Summer we'd put the little cones, soccer cones 02:46 my son loves soccer and we'd be out there just kickin, him 02:51 and dad and my daughter and you know we'd just be kickin 02:54 having a great time, bondin like that. No manual but we just 03:00 make it up as we go. Yeah That's basically what we did 03:03 Just make it up as you go 03:04 Sometimes I think we, as parents get so caught up into puttin our 03:10 child in the next step that we don't appreciate where 03:13 they're at. You know think about it when they're born ok 03:16 Oh, ooh baby, baby. So happy but next thing we want them to 03:21 drink out of the bottle and after the bottle we want them to 03:24 sit up, right. Then after sit up we want them to roll over 03:28 and after roll over we want them to start standin, after they 03:31 stand we want them to start crawlin, runnin all these things 03:34 and then when they're growin up, we're like where did you go? 03:37 No, come back, come back. Come spend some time with me 03:43 and so you kind of rush them and when they're gone 03:47 or growin up, or your child is 19 years old, you know. I met 03:51 you guys what 5, 6 years ago I'm like wow your son is about 03:55 to go out, he's ready to leave the coop and so spending that 04:01 time with them at their age, you talked about soccer, every 04:06 year my son changes. One year it's soccer. Last year was 04:11 soccer, I thought he was gonna be the next world superstar 04:16 out there. This year it's basketball. I don't know what 04:19 next year will be, you know 04:21 It's funny cause when you have only one child because you're 04:26 used to playing at the level of this child, like for me 04:30 I play with my 4-year old, she likes to play with toys 04:34 now I have a newborn. The newborn I'm like ok what do 04:37 I do with you? I sit there and I'm like I make all these noises 04:43 for her you know, what're you doin there little girl 04:46 and she just starts laughin 04:48 and I'm like, I'm thinkin in my head this sounds dumb 04:51 but it's ok, I'm like you know she loves it, she laughs, she 04:55 cherishes that time and I know my 4-year old like she whenever 05:00 when she turns 5 she wants to play soccer. So I know she wants 05:06 to play that and that's fine but it's interesting the little 05:09 things that we can do as basic steps just to spend time with 05:13 our kids and a lot of times we think they know what 05:16 they wanna do but in reality they can tell us what they 05:20 want to do, what they want to play, what they wanna do 05:22 obviously you know we set some parameters because kids 05:26 sometimes you know they have this imagination that they 05:28 can fly and it's like get off that couch 05:31 don't be doin that. Like my daughter, she's like, sometimes 05:34 she did a, couple times she'll get up on the couch 05:36 she's like 3 little monkeys jumpin on the bed, and I said 05:39 one fell down and got a whoopin don't do that 05:42 now you want to pay the doctor bill if you break your leg 05:44 little girl? Where's your money? You gonna pay the doctor bill? 05:48 And she just starts laughin and you know we laugh about it 05:51 but then we talk about it, I say hey really it's dangerous 05:55 and things like that but we need to learn how to have fun 05:58 we can, I take it as being a kid again. 06:02 Like sometimes my wife will be like, where you going? 06:04 I say we're goin outside to get messy, we're gettin dirty 06:08 and then we're goin to get dirty again. She's like 06:10 you better not come in this house like that 06:12 Cause they're out there. But it's a chance for us to be kids 06:16 again, as well. And not just being kids again 06:21 but a chance for them to really appreciate life. 06:25 You know too much we just suffocate joy out of life 06:31 we really do, we really do. 06:33 When you read Scripture, it was not so 06:36 The Jews had a great time, that's why they had so much 06:39 feasts. All these things that God has done, every time God did 06:42 something miraculous they celebrated it. This was a 06:45 great time. Havin a child was a great time, a weddin 06:49 was a great time. These were great times and so kids 06:54 want to have these great times with us and sometimes it's the 06:57 smallest, littlest thing ever 07:02 Ok, couple days ago my daughter, it's interesting, our kids say 07:08 sometimes the same thing. My son used to say when he was, 07:11 the oldest one, he used to always say to me 07:13 Daddy, could you play with me? 07:16 And that was when I didn't know any better 07:19 startin off. And I used to not shun him but, Daddy's busy 07:23 right now. I gotta study, I got this test or I gotta go to work 07:27 We'll make it up another time ok? Sometimes I did, and 07:32 unfortunately sometimes I didn't. 07:34 And he still says, he's 9 and he still says it. Now my 2nd 07:37 son says the same thing. Daddy can you play with me? 07:40 And I was like, and he doesn't like to play sports, he's not a 07:43 sports person. He likes to do diggin up the dirt, get worms 07:49 chasin bunnies, he likes that stuff. He says he wants to be 07:52 a scientist. And until now, the baby, a couple days ago 07:57 you know she's goin to be 3 and she said it the first time 08:00 I heard it, Daddy, and I was packing, I was about to rush 08:04 to go someplace, Daddy can you play with me? 08:07 I literally dropped everything right, got on the floor, 08:12 you know what she was playing with? 2 cardboard boxes 08:15 WE had a race with them. We had a race. She was laughing 08:20 she was cracklin, then we tried to wrestle with the cardboard 08:25 a lot of parents think you gotta get the kids brand new stuff 08:29 the biggest toy, the nicest electronic. They don't want that 08:33 They want you, that's it. 08:36 Just want you. Yeah. Bein there Father 101, bein there for your 08:40 children is important. I mean just bein able to play with them 08:44 bein able to listen to them. I think one of the greatest things 08:47 that we need to do is be able to listen to them. They'll tell 08:50 us what they wanna do. Sometimes fathers, we want to impose 08:56 our sports things on them you know, we love soccer so let's 09:01 go play soccer. We love basket ball, we want them to be the 09:04 next Michael Jordan or whatever so we're out there tryin to 09:07 make, but they don't wanna do that. So that's alright 09:11 so one wants to dig up and play worms so you get down and 09:15 play with worms. Let me share some thing, let me share something 09:20 I said before that, you know, and I prettied up 09:24 like my kids used to say, Daddy let me play with you 09:27 There was a very, I learned the hard way 09:32 And I thank God that I didn't learn, it could've been harder 09:36 my son is asthmatic and one time he had an episode where we 09:40 thought we were gonna lose him 09:42 we were in an emergency room in the hospital and all I can hear 09:45 in my head was, Daddy can you play with me 09:51 It was just like it kept going through my head, Daddy 09:55 can you play with me. And I was like, yes son just come out 10:01 of this, just come out of this you know. I'm praying to God 10:04 I was like bring him out so I can play with him 10:08 When he came out, thank God he came out and so now when he 10:12 asks me, when any of them asks me as much as I can stop what 10:16 I'm doing I'll play with them and if I can't, I say 10:20 just give me a few minutes and I'll be right there because 10:24 I don't want to give them a false impression that every time 10:29 they say, because sometimes unfortunately you just can't 10:33 you just are not able to. I'm sure he'll want to play 10:38 with me right now but I'm not here and I can't wait till 10:41 when I get home and we're gonna play no matter how tired I am 10:44 we're gonna play, we're gonna bond rather. 10:47 But I think being able to schedule time 10:50 say, if, let's say you can't right now but you'll say 10:56 in an hour or 2 o'clock or when I come back home or whatever 11:00 I'll come and then we'll have some playtime. So give them 11:02 something to look forward to, not just that you know, ok 11:06 Daddy's gonna come and play. Give them a time 11:10 so they know you're coming out to play at that time 11:13 I think the basic premise that we have spoken about is 11:16 the fact that we need to get to know our children 11:19 Get to know them and that's a critical part of parenting 11:24 lot of parents, I mean it's natural you go based on what 11:27 you know. But a lot of times we need to get to know our children 11:31 and know them versus knowing us and knowing them and making 11:37 this weird assumption that we know what they want 11:40 instead of just learning who they are. I mean we give them 11:44 the basic tools. We train em and we teach em and we guide em 11:47 but we also get to need to know them and their character, even 11:50 though there's 2 DNAs in there, they're still their own person 11:55 own character, who they are, so I mean the Bible says, Train up 11:59 a child in the way they should go. What better way than getting 12:03 to know them. Let me speak on that for a second and 12:06 I've learned in my studies, there's two applications 12:13 I'm getting from that. The first Proverbs 22:7 12:18 Train up a child in the way he should go 12:19 for when he is old he'll not depart from it. 12:23 And so the priority to that is train him in the way of the Lord 12:28 If you look at the prodigal son you know he came to a point 12:31 where he's like, Hey, when everything went bad 12:35 I got a father I can go home to So you want to instill that 12:38 not that they're not going to depart, they're gonna leave the 12:41 faith or whatever but they'll have it in their conscience that 12:44 Hey I have a father who loves me. But it also says to train 12:48 him, train up a child in the way he or she should grow 12:53 and like you said before, sometimes we try to 12:55 say, we'll make this child into an athlete 12:58 they don't want to be an athlete he wants to be a scientist 13:01 You know have you ever, I remember in my home 13:05 every time you were listening to non-Christian music 13:11 we would always get a scolding or some secular music was ok 13:17 but as long as it was certain things like you know, certain 13:20 genre of music, I don't want to hear that in my house 13:23 those kind of things. But I came to the realization 13:26 instead of doing that, scolding, because a scolding only causes 13:30 rebellion later on. Now that I have my own house I'll listen 13:33 to whatever I want to. Whatever happened to just sit down with 13:38 your child, put your headphones on, listen to what they're 13:42 listening to and discuss it with them. These words, what do 13:47 these words mean to you? When he says these things, when he 13:51 says these things about women what do you think that says? 13:54 Now what if he said that about your mom? 13:56 So now you're training them in the Lord but you're also getting 14:00 to know what is it they like but you're explaining to them 14:04 why the Lord's choices are better. 14:08 And I think we miss that. A lot of times we wanna be dictator 14:11 in our home but we don't want to be a guidance counselor 14:14 We don't want to give them guidance. 14:16 We were driving back from Arizona, we took a road trip 14:20 and we're in the car. We stopped at a rest stop 14:24 And the kids were listening to Man in the Mirror 14:29 And I said, you know instead of shutting it down, 14:34 I listened to it with them I used it as a teachable moment 14:37 I said, let's talk about the words, let's talk about lyrics 14:41 and we were able to have, probably a good two hour 14:45 conversation just listening to the lyrics and being able to 14:50 analyze it. So you know what this is what he's saying 14:53 this is what he's saying, this is what the lyrics are saying 14:57 So instead of shutting it down I used it as a teachable moment 15:01 to teach so that they can listen to things cause they're not 15:06 going to be with us all the time. 15:08 I think that's important, and when they're not with us 15:10 they need to be able to know how to analyze so they can 15:14 navigate their way in the world. That's important because 15:17 there's so much things out there like music, movies, that are 15:21 you know influencing our children and how they do things 15:25 the way they do and a lot of times and I think to be 15:27 politically correct or whatever you wanna do, whatever you 15:30 wanna say, however you explain it we tell them no, don't do it. 15:33 Don't listen to it, don't watch it. A lot of times we need to 15:36 if they've already, obviously you don't introduce them to it 15:40 but if they've already been introduced to something 15:42 instead of scolding them explain to them as to why, cause if you 15:48 notice the way God does things our Holy Father does things 15:52 He doesn't just tell you no He tells you no, sometimes He 15:57 says you know you need to wait a little bit, I'll explain why 16:00 just trust me and then He explains it to you through 16:03 His word, through His character, through His love 16:05 and we need to exemplify that where if our kids are doing 16:08 something, yes, sometimes it's immediate, Hey don't do that 16:12 right now but I'll explain to you, I promise 16:13 Remember to follow up on that too. If you wanna explain 16:16 something to them because it's important 16:18 to give kids choices, even from early on. My daughter has been 16:25 starting to build choices you know and, simple choices 16:29 you know like, you can eat this it's sweet, it's good but 16:34 if you eat that then this is the consequence. 16:36 And teaching them what that does not simply saying no 16:40 because curiosity, curiosity can make something bad happen 16:45 I had a, I remember once I had a once I was cutting a tomato 16:49 and the knife was up on the counter my daughter was next 16:53 to me and we moved out of the way and I bumped into her and 16:57 the knife fell on the ground. She wasn't anywhere near it 17:01 but she looked at it and she you could see the mind just 17:05 I wanna touch that, I wanna play with that. So I saw that and I 17:08 sat down with her on the floor. We sat down and I held it in 17:11 my hand and I explained to her what a knife does and if you 17:14 touch this it does this and if you touch, and we just want 17:18 the best for you and we don't want you to get hurt 17:20 that's why we want to leave the knife alone till you get older 17:24 and you're able to use it appropriately. And it sounds 17:27 redundant to a little kid but I'm telling you it works 17:30 it works. Don't diminish the intelligence of your children 17:34 You know read with them, talk with them, play with them 17:37 you know watch movies with them just spend time with them 17:42 It's not difficult. One of the best times I have with my 17:47 4- year old because my new-born is not there yet. 17:50 One of the best times is every year we have a special 17:53 father-daughter night. There is a particular restaurant 17:56 that does it. They have every thing set up for fathers and 18:00 daughters and I get in my best suit, she gets in her best dress 18:03 she gets her hair all done and I get all done, look at how 18:08 pretty, you know and then we go to the restaurant and we sit 18:12 down. She has a little rose next to her, we sit down we have a 18:15 father-daughter night that is our time. 18:18 And it also shows her that Daddy cares and this is the way 18:23 a future man needs to treat me even though I don't know anythin 18:28 about that right now. Jesus is their man. They need to wait 18:32 till He comes back and they gotta marry Him on their own 18:35 But at the same time, if the time comes which I'm praying God 18:39 will come before that, please but if the time comes she's able 18:42 to know and understand how a man should treat her. 18:46 Exactly and we don't realize how much learning, children want to 18:51 learn, they desire to learn and actually that's one of the 18:55 reasons they're rebellious when they don't learn 18:59 When you just keep saying no, no, no and they're like, ok what 19:03 do I do with these things? If you've ever noticed like ok 19:07 your child could be playing with one of those, my wife and I 19:11 our first child, you know how it is, the first child 19:13 you invest everything, all the toys, all the colorful stuff 19:17 we bought him all these colorful toys, all these things, right 19:20 and I'm on my laptop and I'm goin at it 19:23 you know what he wants to play with? My laptop 19:26 Do you know why? Because he sees me doing it. And so 19:31 I learned this from a mother, she said if you want, actually 19:36 no it was a guy, he said if you want, do you want them to play 19:40 with a certain thing? You have to get down and play with it 19:44 show them how to play with it. You know continue doing it and 19:49 then just the human nature, I want to do that too. But if you 19:54 just say go play with your toys I'm busy, well I guess whatever 19:59 this is must be very important to Daddy so let me get the 20:03 chance to play with it also. Because for them whatever you 20:06 bondin, they're lookin at this you're bonding with this 20:10 so this is important. So I'm gonna come now and bond with 20:13 that too because it's important to you. 20:16 So if it's important to you it's important to me 20:18 So if we make the books, the toys, prayer 20:27 music. My son can sing. You can appreciate it because you 20:30 love to sing. My son, the older one he loves to sing 20:35 and he can sing. He loves it. And so I had to invest in him 20:41 in his music, you know invest because it's something he loves 20:45 to do and so what they love to do we need to invest in them 20:50 and let them know that we care. 20:52 And not necessarily have them love what we love. 20:55 Because we love it. A lot of parents do that and kids don't 20:59 want to do, want to have any thing to do with anything 21:02 later on in life. You know when my son was very young I bought 21:08 this game, this phonics game and we'd be playin it on the 21:12 floor, doin it together just to help him to appreciate reading 21:17 and education. There's so much we can do with our children to help 21:21 them as fathers. I also love to just be in their presence 21:27 I am dreading the day my son is going to go off to college 21:35 and then my daughter. I am because I'm like what am I 21:38 gonna do, they're not there. I know my wife is there of course 21:42 but both of us will be having the same experience 21:45 but I seem to have more of the anxiety of him not being there 21:50 who's going to come into the office and just sit with me 21:53 who's going to come and just sit and say, Dad this and that 21:57 and just start talking. I just know that I'm gonna have to let 22:03 him go sometime but as long as I can have him 22:07 we will do things together, just talking together. When they 22:12 get to a certain age they need to talk, they need your guidance 22:16 and if we're not guiding them somebody else is doing it 22:19 You know it builds their character too 22:21 because for example you're playing with them and the game 22:24 goes wrong how you respond 22:28 So if you act frustrated how do you think they'll be in life? 22:32 So when something goes wrong, man, they're just gonna be like 22:37 dad or mom or whoever he knows playing with them and 22:40 then the sad thing is if you're always upset, I don't like this 22:46 what do you think they're gonna do? 22:48 But if you teach them patience it's a great time when you're 22:52 bondin with them to teach them patience 22:53 teach them the fruits of the Spirit. Why you're doin this 22:57 demonstrate it, to be loving to be kind. You can even teach 23:01 them things like how to take care of their stuff 23:04 Put your toys here 23:06 It doesn't go everywhere, it goes right here 23:09 Those days, always a learning moment 23:11 And memories, memories they will cherish 23:15 Of the few memories I have one that I cherish 23:20 is not only going on road trips is that sometimes on Saturday 23:26 nights when my dad was finished with everything he would take us 23:29 to get some ice cream. The whole family get in the car 23:33 it was a big thing. 23:35 And just those moments mean a whole lot to me and I know 23:41 a whole lot to me and a whole lot to any child 23:43 To be able to spend those moments with the parents 23:46 Those are some of the best moments ever. 23:48 My dad, I don't remember anything like, I remember 23:51 specific moments but the most important part to me 23:55 was his character. The way he would come home tired, I know 23:59 what job he did, he worked hard you know it was manual labor 24:03 he just sweated it out and he would be the one to pick me up 24:07 from school because my mom, my dad, we lived in Puerto Rico 24:10 we had only one vehicle and it was his work van 24:13 so he would pick me up from school and he would always stop 24:16 and get a slushy and we'd talk all the way home 24:19 how was your day in school, how did you do, how are your grades 24:21 and at home, I know he was tired I know he was exhausted 24:24 but somewhere, somehow he mustered up the energy 24:27 to either watch me play, just to be there or just to play with me 24:32 You know that meant more to me than anything specific 24:36 that was done. It's just the fact that he cared. Even if he 24:39 didn't play with me he just sat down and watched me, smiling 24:41 that's all I cared about. And sometimes we, again, we just 24:45 overthink it or think we need to do it this way. Not really. It's 24:49 just the simplest things in life and building traditions. WE have 24:54 a Sabbath tradition. We learned it in Israel when my wife and I 24:57 visited Israel. They have a tradition over there in which 25:00 they collect candies over the week and then on Sabbath 25:05 when Sabbath starts they give the kids their little bags of 25:09 treats. It's like Christmas every Friday, wham Christmas! 25:15 we started a tradition in which we have special plates, 25:18 special meal ready for Sabbath and it's just you know memories 25:22 creating memories and it's just a wonderful feeling even when 25:27 you feel like you're not doing a good job 25:31 What about those dads, like I'm busy, I travel a lot 25:35 so that's part of my work and I have to do it even though I 25:42 travel sometimes, when I travel every day I speak to the kids 25:49 call 'em up. How are things going, how was your day? 25:52 And I learned that from Stephen Covey. Spend time just calling 25:58 them, checking on their day, see, every day I've done it 26:02 since, I mean, Sunday night, Monday night you know 26:05 just checkin in on them because I'm interested in what's going 26:08 on in their day and last night my son even called me 26:12 because I called him and you know when they get older 26:15 they miss your calls and he missed my call so he called me 26:18 back, hey dad just checkin in to see how you're doing 26:21 how things are going. Those are important things. 26:24 that I think parents should do 26:28 I don't know if that's the proper term, I started exercisin 26:31 and not necessarily because I want to lose weight or anything 26:36 I found myself, my knees hurtin when my kids wanted me going out 26:40 on the floor and so because I knew that this was gonna be 26:43 this was gonna be a long term thing, and then my son 26:48 my son is very athletic and the other one too I said I'm gonna 26:53 have to keep up with these kids so I wanna be as healthy as I 26:57 can to stay around as long as I can by God's grace 27:01 and one of the things too I don't want them to be suffering 27:04 to take care of me, I want to do the best I can so that I can 27:07 spend these times with them. 27:09 It's amazing you know, I'm telling you. We can go on 27:12 and on. There's so many different things we can do, but 27:15 we have to pick this up another time because we're out of time 27:18 right now. To the viewers at home, Fatherhood 101 27:22 The first thing is get to know your child 27:25 Second thing, spend time with your child 27:28 Third thing, be there for your child. 27:31 Fourth, pray for your child and dedicate time to them in prayer 27:35 through prayer, with prayer. It is not easy. Again, it's not 27:41 the hardest thing in the world 27:42 It's just you accepting the fact that you are a father 27:47 and you're not going to do it right, even right now. You're 27:50 probably playing with your child. You're probably messin up 27:52 and it's ok. You don't have to be perfect. You just need to be 27:58 a father. Thank you for watching |
Revised 2017-01-18