Participants: Cheri Peters (Host), Vicki Duffy
Series Code: CLR
Program Code: CLR000020
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00:11 Welcome to Celebrating Life In Recover,
00:12 I Cheri your host and today we are going to look at 00:14 self-mutilation. It's a tough topic. 00:17 But you will be blessed so stay with us. 00:19 You will learn a lot about why people do what they do. 00:49 You know when I think about this show, I think about all 00:52 the different things we've covered. 00:54 This is going to be a tough topic for most people because 00:57 we do not want to think that the abuser becomes our self. 01:01 That we start out with all these traumas, all this stuff 01:04 and we become the one that hurts us the most. 01:07 We punish ourselves the most. 01:09 In this show we are going to talk about physical 01:12 punishment that people do and how God steps in and 01:15 just changes all that. 01:17 I don't care what your issue is, I don't care what your 01:20 addiction is, what things you lie to yourself about, 01:23 God is bigger than all of them, absolutely bigger 01:26 than all of them. 01:27 When I first got into recovery there were things that I 01:31 would remember and think I absolutely don't want to bring 01:35 this to God, I absolutely don't want to say this out loud. 01:39 I absolutely don't want to admit that this is part of who 01:42 I am and God says to me through the Holy Spirit, 01:45 just gently, Cheri put it on the table. 01:48 No, I can't do it I can't put it on the table. 01:52 He was like, put it on the table. 01:54 I would put it on the table with shaky hands thinking that 01:57 God is going to not like me after this. 01:59 He quickly cleared the table and set a banquet. 02:03 He said I love you, I forgive you for every single thing. 02:06 I forgive you for everything that has been done to you 02:09 and everything you did in response to that. 02:11 I forgive you for all the anger. 02:13 When I first read in the Bible from David, David is 02:17 talking to somebody about somebody and he says, 02:20 God I want you to bash their teeth in. 02:22 I'm thinking, did I just read that? 02:25 Shut up, this is too good because I have thought that. 02:28 He says I forgive you for every time you thought that. 02:31 It is so real and God is so real. 02:34 We are going to talk about some of that stuff today. 02:36 Our scripture text for this series is Psalm 51 02:39 and I love it. 02:40 I want to read this one and we will probably do different 02:44 parts of Psalm 51. 02:45 But this particular verse starts at how about 10. 02:49 "Create in me a clean heart oh God and renew a right 02:53 spirit in me. " A steadfast spirit. 02:56 I'm saying oh please because I am such a mess. 02:59 "Cast me not away from your presence and take not your 03:02 "Holy Spirit from me. Restore to me the joy of your 03:05 "salvation and uphold me with your willing spirit then 03:09 "I will teach transgressors your ways and sinners shall be 03:12 "converted and returned to you. " 03:14 I think how absolutely cool is that, that God would come 03:19 up and teach me how to be right. 03:22 Teach me how to get all the junk out, to heal from all 03:26 that junk and then I get to say, wow, can I teach you what 03:31 I learned because it's so cool? 03:33 That is what we are going to cover today and I want to 03:35 introduce you to people at the café. 03:36 We have some incredible folks. 03:38 We've got Vicky Duffy and we are going to do an interview 03:41 today, Lisa, I hope we hear some of your testimony today. 03:45 Sharon, Helen, right? 03:47 Samantha and Steve, Samantha and Steve have a ministry 03:50 that we will cover on another show because it is awesome. 03:53 But today we're going to talk about self-mutilation. 03:56 I want to start by telling you, because when I talk about 04:00 different things, about self injury, self mutilation and 04:04 those things, I hear clinical descriptions of that. 04:09 Self-mutilation is when you scratch on yourself, cut on 04:13 yourself, burn yourself. 04:14 And those are the lighter self mutilations, although they 04:19 can get pretty heavy. 04:20 Major self mutilations you can pluck your eyes out, you can 04:23 mutilate yourself in your private areas, 04:26 so you can do all kinds of stuff. 04:27 Self-mutilation has all kinds of different 04:30 degrees in that. 04:32 Some people talk about suicide as self-mutilation, 04:34 it is not, that is beyond. 04:36 It is where you actually take yourself out. 04:38 Self-mutilation means I just want to stop hurting and I 04:41 think if I hurt my body I can stop. 04:43 So I'm going to tell you about a girl I know because 04:48 I want you to see it in the face of people, not in what 04:52 somebody says it is or isn't. 04:54 I met a kid and this kid came up to me, I'm doing a talk. 04:59 If I tell you on Mars you wouldn't believe me so let's say 05:04 LA, I'm doing a talk in LA at a treatment center. 05:08 This little girl comes up, she is 13 or 14 years old. 05:12 She is adorable, adorable and I can see by her bright 05:16 blue eyes, that inside this hard looking kid that 05:20 comes up is this child. 05:23 She has long blonde hair, she has black roots that are 05:27 showing about two to 3 inches in her hair is greasy. 05:30 She looks hard, she looks like somebody has really trashed 05:34 this kid, but in her eyes I see this little girl. 05:37 She is just this little girl and I had just got done 05:40 telling my testimony. 05:41 I'm a heroine addict, was homeless for 10 years, I was 05:45 bored to 14 and 16-year-old parents that had five kids 05:48 before they were 21 and the abuse was amazing. 05:50 I said amazing, the abuse was horrendous after I tell that 05:55 how I met God and how God steps in with His Holy Spirit 05:59 and just filled me up with the promise that He could bring 06:04 change into my life. 06:05 That He had a future and a plan for me that He did not 06:08 want me stuck there. 06:09 Now I travel all over the world and I love life, and I 06:12 laugh out loud and I'm married to this incredible guy and 06:15 I have a daughter that has never done drugs in her life. 06:18 Hello! Does anyone want to clap or say Amen to that? 06:21 How amazing is that? 06:24 So I was talking about that when this little kid comes up. 06:29 She says, Cheri I don't know how to not get high because 06:33 when I stop using drugs, when I stop cutting on myself, 06:37 when I stop doing this stuff the images that flood 06:40 my mind are unbelievable. 06:43 Most people know if you watched the series, my dad started 06:46 molesting me at birth and was caught the first time when 06:49 I was three months old. 06:50 I have her horrendous nightmares of some of the stuff that 06:53 happened to me as a child. 06:55 So I know what this kid is saying, I know exactly what 06:58 she is saying and so I said. 06:59 Then she said Cheri how do you get over these images? 07:03 How do you get over that junk? 07:05 I know there are things I could tell her that would do 07:10 that, hook up with the group, make sure you have somebody 07:14 you can talk to, get into therapy if you have to. 07:18 Because I'm thinking therapy, grab a friend that's really 07:22 insightful, get a pastor, get a church group because 07:25 sometimes therapists are a little goofy. 07:27 If you are a therapist, please take that in a nice way. 07:32 So just hook up with someone, but I didn't have a lot of 07:35 time to say that so what I said to her was, you know I 07:39 prayed like crazy and God gave me an image to look at. 07:43 Of myself how, He sees me, and you know what? 07:46 I am so beautiful in His eyes. 07:49 This child, I'm so pure and standing in the holy of 07:54 Holies, in the presence of His Father. 07:56 I have the right to be there because I am His child. 07:59 It is amazing, amazing. 08:01 So I said just ask Him to show you who you are in His 08:05 eyes and she says I can't. 08:10 She starts weeping. I said you can't, you can, you can. 08:15 I want to grab her and shake her and say I promise you 08:19 you can and He will listen. 08:22 I promise you He will listen because God is absolutely 08:25 crazy about us and He absolutely wants to heal you. 08:28 I know there is nothing you could have done. 08:30 I'm thinking at 14 there is nothing she could have done. 08:33 She's like I can't. I said, you can. 08:37 She said I can't and she cried really hard. 08:42 I said why can't you? She said I'm an atheist. 08:46 I said oh God doesn't care about that. 08:51 I watched the Holy Spirit just fill her up. 08:55 Every single thing about her change in that second. 08:58 God doesn't care about that, say whatever you want to say. 09:01 I'm an atheist, I am a cutter, I'm gay, I'm a murderer, 09:05 I'm what ever and God says, I don't care about all that. 09:08 I want to bring life to you, I want to heal you. 09:11 And absolutely, I don't care what anyone says that 09:14 is who God is, and if you don't believe it, 09:16 read the New Testament. 09:18 Read the New Testament, watch Jesus walk to every single 09:21 person, he walks to the Demoniac, the demoniac, talk 09:24 about a self-mutilator? Cutting on himself with stones. 09:27 Filled with a thousand demons. 09:29 Angry, killing people off, beating people up, 09:32 kicked out of town, crazy as anything and God walks up to 09:35 him and says there is a small part of this guy's heart 09:38 that wants to be well and God said, 09:40 I'm calling all the demons out of you, I'm going to give 09:43 you life and the guy wept and said, I want to go with You 09:47 now and God said no don't go with Me. 09:49 Go tell someone, and that's what Psalm says, 09:52 to go tell someone. 09:53 So this kid, I can't tell you her name, 09:56 let's pretend her name is Lindsay. 10:01 Lindsay, a little Caucasian girl, beautiful blue eyes, 10:05 14 years old and I find out her mother was a prostitute. 10:10 Right, so she was pulled around with all her moms gigs 10:14 when she was working, a working mom. 10:17 Her mom died of AIDS when Lindsay was two years old. 10:21 What they did with Lindsay after that, they put her in 10:24 child pornography because people had to make money. 10:28 So Lindsay was in child pornography from that time 10:31 until she was 14 years old when she was court appointed 10:35 to go into treatment, court appointed. 10:38 So I'm not going into depth about how injured this child 10:43 was, but she survived her stuff by cutting on herself, 10:47 by burning herself, by doing drugs, by disassociating. 10:52 She's survived her stuff by doing whatever she could to 10:57 get through the day and she got through the day. 10:59 Now at 14 years old she finally gets it, 11:03 that Jesus loves me, Jesus loves me. 11:07 He knows every movie I've been in, every sick thing that 11:12 I have done or had done to me, 11:14 He knows that and He loves me. 11:17 Somebody has to hear me, somebody has to hear me say it 11:21 doesn't matter to Him because He knows we are a mess. 11:24 The Bible says that the best of the best of us are like 11:28 filthy rags and I always want to say what that means. 11:31 But I'm told I cannot say that but it's filthy rags. 11:34 So the best of the best of us are like filthy rags and 11:37 God says I know all that and I want to step in. 11:40 But to step in with self mutilator's, with people 11:44 that have been trashed, and you know the most normal 11:47 people I know I can sit down with them and hear stories 11:51 that are horrendous, horrendous, and eating disorders. 11:55 You know that eating disorders is a form of self 11:57 mutilation and a lot of people will starve themselves. 12:00 I'm going to go back to talk about Lindsay. 12:04 I'll talk about her at the end of the show. 12:07 I would like to talk about the topic today of self 12:10 mutilation and I want to show you a graphic. 12:14 It's current trend right now that's called 12:18 scarification, that is where mutilator's literally cut 12:22 into the skin and carved in different shapes, different 12:26 designs and I would say when you cut in you are cutting 12:29 off a quarter of an inch of skin and going all through 12:33 those first layers and then let it heal. 12:35 It is amazing what people are doing right now. 12:37 I have met people that are tattooing, but tattooing 12:41 every part of their body. 12:42 I have met people that are piercing every part of their 12:46 body and a lot of people met tattoo Jim that I have worked 12:50 with and he had 15 facial piercings and tattoos all over 12:54 his body and that kind of stuff. 12:56 So I have met people that are really getting into some 12:59 really severe self injury. 13:02 What is interesting to me about self mutilation, and we 13:06 will talk a little about this, I'm finding out about self 13:09 mutilation is that when I cut on myself, when I take 13:14 something and cut or burn or some people break bones. 13:18 They literally will slam their body or head or what ever 13:23 into someplace until they break bones. 13:25 I worked with people that will literally jump up, I did 13:28 psych nursing for a while, I worked with people that would 13:31 literally jump up and slam their head into a table just to 13:34 get the release from the damage and pain they feel. 13:38 It's really intense stuff, but when that happens, when you 13:41 really injure yourself that much your body thinks it is 13:44 being killed, right? 13:45 Your body thinks oh, man something's happening? 13:48 So biochemically your body sends natural painkillers and to 13:53 keep you from going into shock and that stuff your body 13:57 will do whatever it takes to go to that area and calm you. 14:00 People get addicted to their own body chemistry. 14:04 Isn't that interesting? But like any addiction, 14:08 if I scratch myself and my body says man, I think this has 14:13 to be dealt with and sends me a chemical to do that, the 14:18 next time I scratch myself my body says oh no, she is just 14:22 doing that so then I have to cut more. 14:24 I had to do more intense, like any addiction I have 14:27 to do more and more intense. 14:29 My body will start to self medicate and I will get strung 14:32 out on my own chemicals. 14:35 How they are treating some self mutilation right now, which I 14:39 think is interesting, they are giving antagonist to opiates. 14:43 So they are giving them medication that will stop the 14:46 opiate affect in your body so that you don't get the 14:49 reinforcement for the drug when you cut. 14:52 Does that make sense? It's just crazy! 14:55 We are going to go ahead and take a break and when we come 14:58 back I am going to let you see what I am talking about in 15:01 that testimony of a friend of mine Vicky Duffy who wrote 15:04 a book called 'No More Pain', an unbelievable story. 15:07 Not so much Vicky's story, it's a story about God. 15:11 It really vindicates who God is in all of our lives. 15:14 So stay tuned, we will be right back. 15:22 Think you've seen it all? Think again. 15:25 Cheri Peters is back for a second season of 15:29 Celebrating Life In Recovery with more lives 15:32 more stories and more miracles. 15:35 Watch the shocking, inspiring, and the incredible. 15:39 Check your local listings to find out when 15:42 Celebrating Life In Recovery comes to you and get 15:45 ready for another dose of reality, Cheri style. 16:04 This is absolutely my favorite part of the show. 16:06 It shows how incredible God is, how cool He is, how much 16:10 He loves us, and I'm going to stop at that. 16:13 You just pay attention, you'll love this. 16:16 Vicky Duffy, I want to thank you for joining us on the 16:20 show and I want to say that the first time I met you, 16:23 I met you on my space. 16:25 A lot of people are not even going to know what that is. 16:29 I met you on the Internet and I loved you then and was 16:33 hoping you could be on the show, 16:34 so I am thrilled to have you here. 16:36 I'm thrilled to be here and I want to jump right into 16:39 things and you have mentioned the man who had the legion 16:42 of demons - the demoniac! - yes. 16:46 That was in the book of Mark. 16:49 I want to just backtrack because this part is so important 16:53 I wasn't brought up in church and didn't know anything 16:57 about the things of God. 16:58 I love when you say that so nicely, because you had such a 17:02 twisted testimony, and here like I wasn't in the church. 17:05 I'm thinking oh man, wait until they hear this. 17:08 So I had been given a Bible and will start off at that 17:13 point and when I got the Bible after about a month of 17:18 having it and letting it be a nice decorative piece on the 17:21 floor, - not even on the coffee table. 17:23 No, it didn't make the coffee table. 17:25 I picked it up and flipped the pages and said, 17:29 what is this? Mark, Psalms 17:31 I didn't understand how this book was formulated and it 17:35 has numbers all by these sentences. 17:37 I didn't get it, and said what is wrong with this thing? 17:40 - I just want to read it. - yeah 17:43 So I picked it up and it opened right up to what I know 17:46 now as the book of Mark chapter 5 and I proceeded to read 17:49 it, I became very angry and agitated. 17:52 It went into this one to two hour debate conversation 17:56 swearing session with God. 17:58 I know people will, ahh you swore at the Almighty God! 18:02 Yes I did, I was like hey this guy was cutting himself 18:05 night and day with stones. 18:07 Obviously very tormented and had a lot going on. 18:11 Then he goes up to Jesus and says, in so many words. 18:15 Who do you think you are a type of thing and Jesus healed 18:19 him and the man is in his right mind. 18:21 He says, I want to go with you Jesus. 18:22 He said no, you go and tell everybody on Decapolis, 18:25 which we know is 10 cities which is a lot of places. 18:28 Go tell everybody what I've done for you and how the Lord 18:31 had compassion on you. 18:32 So I was like, if you can do that for him, do it for me. 18:36 I take the Bible and I'm throwing it and I'm swearing and 18:40 said, this word and that word and every word imaginable 18:43 for an hour or two hours. 18:46 Because I wanted that, if You are real, if You are truly 18:50 real and a living God, the Jesus. 18:52 I didn't understand that He is the same as God, so I said 18:57 if You really heal and do what You said, I want it. 19:00 - I have to have it. - I did because I was a living 19:03 mess and I was at the brink of a point where I wasn't 19:07 going anywhere but down. 19:09 What is interesting to me for a lot of people in the book 19:12 of Mark when they talk about the demoniac and the guy 19:14 cutting on himself with stones, you say will say I don't 19:17 know if there are real people like that? 19:19 For somebody that is a cutter, somebody that is living 19:24 that demon possessed existence, you are saying I am him. 19:29 I am him and so you didn't start out with that. 19:32 Let's go back to your life. 19:35 How did you get into self mutilating? 19:40 Well have to go back to the beginning just basically mom 19:44 and dad met in high school, they were high school 19:46 sweethearts and they got married. 19:48 I was born after my brother and we are about 2 years apart 19:52 and mom developed alcoholism shortly after they got 19:58 divorced, mom and dad. 20:00 But before that, no alcoholism, no acting out as far as 20:06 the home was, it sounds like it was good. 20:08 Oh yeah we had a great little life, little quirky things 20:12 that kids do where I would be antsy three-year-old and 20:15 drink a bottle of aspirin because I was hungry. 20:18 I would fall down the steps, what we think are silly 20:21 things, they can't be serious but silly little things. 20:24 Like a very nice life, great mom and dad and had a great 20:27 house in the suburbs. 20:28 Dad, mom had a couple Mercedes and were doing very well 20:32 with dad being in college and so forth. 20:35 The marriage ended after seven years and mom developed 20:39 alcoholism, now she was drinking throughout the marriage 20:43 as was dad but developed the alcoholism and therefore 20:47 with that she didn't get custody of my brother and I. 20:51 I believe there was a question on who was going to get 20:56 custody and this and that. 20:57 Mom had my brother and I visit in Seaside Heights 21:01 New Jersey and we would visit down there. 21:03 As a mom was trying to gain custody of us kids I get lost. 21:09 I was missing for 12 hours, so here is mom trying to get 21:14 her life together and get her kids and I get lost. 21:17 She does get custody of us and within a few months, I was 21:21 about five years old and mom made some poor choices, 21:25 as we all have in life. 21:26 And she drinking it impaired her judgment and she invited 21:30 different people over to the house at different times to 21:34 drink or party or what have you. 21:36 On one particular evening this fella, who have become her 21:40 boyfriend, he went into my room and raped 21:44 me and molested me. 21:46 Some people talk about molest, you call it rape. 21:49 Well there is two types of things, molestation is 21:53 basically when you are touching and doing other things to 21:57 a person, rape is when you are actually having sexual, 22:01 forced sex, intercourse and I was five years old. 22:05 So both things had happened and I have to leave out a lot 22:09 of details for the sake of the audience. 22:11 You don't want to offend somebody but every single time 22:14 that I talk to somebody that is really lost in drug 22:17 addiction or a lot of different types of addictions 22:20 there is a really violent sexual crimes that have 22:23 happened to them, usually as a real little kid. 22:26 What you're saying is that with the alcoholism, and with 22:31 your mom's choices that you had a lot of sexualized 22:33 behavior around you anyway and then this rape. 22:36 Um Hum - then your whole world changed? 22:39 My whole world changed and I kept it a secret because 22:43 this man threatened me that he would end the lives of my 22:47 family members and pulled on a heartstring 22:49 of a five-year-old. 22:50 It even included the family dog. 22:52 Six months later mom gained sobriety and I told her. 22:58 I came forward and told her and she didn't press charges, 23:03 there are a lot of reasons why. 23:05 She tried, went to a police officer friend she knew and 23:09 tried to pursue a lot of different avenues of getting 23:13 this man tried and there were a lot of reasons. 23:16 He was connected with certain types of people that could 23:20 threaten her life and so forth so she decided back then, 23:23 how children were put on the stand, 23:26 she decided not to do that. 23:28 So as I got older I resented her for that. 23:31 Like where were you to protect your child. 23:34 It is bad enough you may this poor choice and so forth. 23:38 But right around then, 6, 7, 8 mom was beautiful. 23:42 She made Farrah Fawcett look like a common woman. 23:47 She was very physically beautiful and that was actually 23:50 her biggest flaw because she attracted every kind, every 23:54 sort of man who wasn't necessarily after her good heart 23:57 that was deep beneath the beautiful body. 23:59 She made a lot poor choices and I had not only looked up 24:04 to her and almost idolized her, but I wanted to be like 24:09 her and at the same time mom worked full time and 24:14 dad wasn't in the picture. 24:15 He was providing financially, he wasn't really in the 24:19 picture so I didn't have a male role model. 24:21 I had a brother who had turned into a bully, and he may 24:25 have been dealing with his own issues not having a father 24:29 around and what have you. 24:31 So I started getting beat up by my brother 24:35 and verbally bullied, verbally abused. 24:39 As life went on and I am 10 years old, as much as 24:44 I admired my mom and thought she was great, I developed 24:47 inside and I wanted to have my sex changed. 24:50 I wanted to actually be a boy. 24:51 - did you think that it was because I could protect 24:54 myself more, I wasn't as vulnerable, did you process 24:57 any of that at the time? 24:59 I'm not sure if I did at the time, or it was something 25:01 I realized later, I think part of me said if I am a boy 25:05 no one can hurt me because had I been a boy I could have 25:09 done a 1-2 punch to my brother and taking care of some 25:13 other people, not that violence is the way to settle 25:16 things but then going through it. 25:18 For somebody, what's interesting to me when I talk 25:22 with even little kids, they will see themselves as having 25:26 the ability to punch out an adult when it is ridiculous, 25:30 you were five, so a boy or girl you didn't have 25:34 the ability to stop that from happening. 25:36 It was somebody else's poor choice. - absolutely. 25:40 As years went on things changed with my brother. 25:45 Anyone who has been in domestic violence, or has someone 25:49 who has been able to beat them up, that person, 25:52 like myself, you're hit down day after day after day. 25:57 I got to the point where I just wanted to please him, 26:01 anything you want me to do I'll do. 26:03 If you want a sandwich, instead of throwing it on the floor, 26:04 shoving it in my face, shutting me in a closet and 26:06 doing things to me that are tormenting and torturing me 26:09 but making you happy, so now I will do everything I can 26:12 to please you and make you happy. 26:14 Anytime I did that it made it worse. 26:15 I have black eyes where he punched me, I took the brunt 26:19 of what ever anger he had. 26:21 Years of 11, 12 and 13 is when it went further and 26:28 he actually starting raping me and doing other things 26:35 to me by forcing me to do things. 26:36 He actually moved to live with my father at one point, 26:41 so it wasn't everyday from 11 to 13, which one time was 26:46 too much and should never happen to any person. 26:48 But what I'm saying is I don't want to give the 26:50 impression, I want to say it like it is not every single 26:53 day but there were times where it was everyday for a week 26:56 and sometimes it didn't happen at all. 26:59 When he moved, he moved away and moved back. 27:04 We would go away on vacation and no one was around and 27:08 that's when it would happen a lot. 27:10 What stopped it was I had my menstrual cycle and 27:15 that is actually how it stopped. 27:17 I remember being so thrilled, I knew enough that 27:20 something serious could happen there and it was 27:24 like I was empowered. 27:26 It was like you cannot ever touch me, I got in his face 27:28 and he continued to beat the daylights out of me. 27:32 He would do things to me in other ways but the sexual 27:37 abuse and the rapes had stopped. 27:38 At that point I'm 13 and I started looking more boyish, 27:43 even though I would at the same hand look pretty and 27:48 feminine I also developed this desire to be a boy 27:52 and go down that path. 27:55 For the next many years I have poor self-esteem and got 28:01 to the point where I didn't want to live. 28:04 The first time that I actually harmed myself when I was 28:08 eight years old, being bullied by my brother and having 28:11 the situation happen when I was five, I remember picking 28:15 up a brick and ramming it into my head. 28:18 I remember at that point that I wanted to match this 28:22 inward disgusting pain and how dare you kind of feelings 28:27 I had toward this man and my brother. 28:31 I just wanted to take that and I rammed into my head. 28:34 I rammed myself into a wall and this was at eight years 28:36 old and I started in between things with my brother. 28:39 That was the life I lead, I wanted to ram myself in front 28:42 of a car, a truck, not to die, not to die. 28:47 - it is not a suicide thing, it's just I want this pain 28:50 to be gone. - absolutely! 28:52 I said if I ran in front of a car or truck I could break 28:55 some bones, something can happen where either I will feel 28:59 real, or I'll feel alive or something. 29:01 This was 8, 9, 10, 11, 12 years all through this. 29:03 By the time I was 13, 14, 15 I started dressing like boy 29:08 George - I saw some of those pictures. 29:11 It wasn't that there was necessarily anything wrong with 29:14 that particular person, when you start to look like 29:16 something that is not your self and A. You couldn't tell 29:19 if I was a male or a female. 29:21 I was hiding in that, 2 and 1/2 years I did that. 29:24 You would say to yourself when that be like a light bulb 29:27 going off, you know Vicky has been dressing like this 29:30 where are the ribbons, the long hair, the coats. 29:31 I had homemade coats made, I went to stores to look at 29:36 the jewelry in the gloves, wouldn't someone say maybe 29:40 we need to get her a little help? 29:42 Not to knock mom but mom was working and doing a lot of 29:47 things, but all through this I was trying to get along 29:52 in life where when I was 14, for a year period of time, 29:57 I started pulling my hair out. 29:59 The entire part of my hair on the top, about a 2, 3 inch 30:02 portion wide was bald. 30:05 My mother took me to a dermatologist thinking I had 30:08 some sort of skin disorder, a hair disorder and I was oh yes 30:12 mom it must be that. 30:13 I mean what are you supposed to say because I am 30:15 embarrassed, it was horrible. 30:16 I just kept doing these things. 30:18 Can I ask you, just to educate us a little bit, 30:22 when you said I took the brick and slammed into my face, 30:26 I wanted to break bones, when I slam myself against 30:29 something, what works about that? 30:31 That's an amazing question, it actually can vary from 30:36 person to person, for me and many people I talk to, 30:40 it can be so many things from the reasons why you want 30:45 to do it is to match the inward pain. 30:49 You want something on the outside to match the inward 30:50 pain, you almost want to feel to be alive. 30:53 At the moment it is almost like a it releases something 30:56 inside of you count whether it is an endorphin or the 31:00 opiates you were mentioning, there is something real. 31:04 It is very, very short-lived, very short-lived. 31:07 That's why you go in a continuous circle of doing 31:10 it again and again and again. 31:12 The reasons are so vast. 31:16 - but you are saying I have so much pain that I hate life 31:19 so much and I am so much emotionally and physically and 31:21 psychologically pain that even though it is a short 31:24 period of time I have to get relief. 31:26 Absolutely, and as the years went on, like with anything 31:30 any type of addiction whether it is sexual addiction, 31:35 a drug addiction or alcohol you start off with something small. 31:40 I'll just have a little bit of this little bit of that, 31:42 what ever it is you want more, and you want more. 31:46 As years went on I just didn't stick with the hitting 31:50 and the banging and things of that nature, 31:54 it got stronger as years went on. 31:56 - when you talk about stronger I want to show a little 31:59 bit and I want you to tell me a little about these injuries 32:02 here, because the only thing I can see here is a mass of 32:05 burns with hundreds of cuts just in this area. 32:09 I know it is all over your body - Um hum. 32:10 Tell me a little bit about what happened here when you 32:14 talk about things get more intense. 32:16 But just let me jump ahead, jump back and then ahead. 32:21 When things were going on when I was a teenager, the first 32:26 time I started to do what I refer to as serious damage to 32:29 my self, any type of self injury is serious and should be 32:33 taken seriously so I don't want to come across like I'm 32:36 saying scratching itself isn't an injury, it's not good. 32:40 When I was 19 years old I went and had a heated discussion 32:43 with my father, I had braces. 32:46 They were the kind of braces where are metal were wrapped 32:48 around your teeth and wires were pulled through. 32:50 I pulled off my braces with a pair of pliers. 32:52 Like that pain lasted maybe 30 seconds and it was done. 32:55 I developed an eating disorder bulimia, I was promiscuous. 32:59 All sorts of things into my early adulthood which led me 33:03 into one evening I had a breakup and was emotionally, 33:07 and there is so much to tell but I will cut it for sake 33:11 of time, on this particular evening I had this thought. 33:16 Let me prefect it with this. 33:18 I had no Internet, I had no books that I read, I had no 33:21 conversation with other people that had harmed themselves. 33:24 I didn't hang around with anybody that did. 33:26 I did not know about it, I did know the name. 33:28 Sitting on my kitchen floor soaking my own miseries in a 33:33 cup of gin, like a light bulb moment that was not good, 33:38 Boop, go into the kitchen grab a butcher knife and cut 33:43 yourself, and I listened to that voice. 33:45 I followed that voice and went into the kitchen and that 33:47 led me into my first day in a psychiatric unit. 33:50 As years went on. - you cut yourself how many times? 33:54 On that particular evening it was about 5 or 6 times. 33:59 They are covered up by the burn basically on the wrist. 34:03 That started a world wind of I have to do it more. 34:08 I would take pencils and jab them so hard into my arm, 34:12 not only would I get bruises but I would still have 34:16 graphite in my arm. 34:19 I would take toe nail clippers, or nail clippers and take 34:23 chunks of skin out of my arm, this was in the psychiatric 34:26 hospital under psychiatric care with doctors and nurses 34:30 around me because I was on a 24 hour watch. 34:32 When I did nursing in the psych facility, we had to have 34:37 one to one's on folks because no matter what you did, 34:42 they could find a way to hurt themselves. 34:44 We had to check them with a full body search just checking 34:48 every part of their bags when they came in. 34:49 People will cut in their suitcases and put sharp objects 34:54 throughout the suitcases coming in. 34:56 The cutting was unbelievable, it was just unbelievable 35:01 the desperation that I cannot survive if I cannot see 35:06 blood or release this pain. It is a desperate thing. 35:09 It is then that is the life I lived in the hospital, 35:13 once I was released the cutting continued for months 35:17 into a year and this was the same as the first time. 35:21 Driving down at the time I was an outpatient in a 35:24 eating disorder unit, I don't remember the details I would 35:29 have to actually refer to the medical records because I had 35:34 a lot of blackouts and I had this thought to burn my arm. 35:42 Burn my arm, I've never did that. 35:44 I know it sounds casual, but that is how it happened 35:47 with me, just burn your arm. 35:49 I proceeded to go to the store and got about a half a 35:52 case of beer and different alcohol type of things and got 35:56 first aid equipment, lighters, everything I could get and 36:01 that night I was in my room and I proceeded to stab my 36:06 left arm over a hundred times with cigarettes. 36:13 I would actually press so hard that these little tiny 36:19 circles would appear on my arm. 36:21 There was about 17 of them, but I pressed over and over 36:24 again and is sadness I feel is not towards myself, 36:27 because I am totally healed and I can honestly say 36:30 I don't think about this ever, 36:32 but I think about the other people. 36:33 The thousands of girls and boys, men and women that are 36:36 out there hurting themselves because there is something 36:39 inside that they are running from. 36:42 It is a way of escape from whatever it might be. 36:44 I don't see Vicky, I see someone else who is hurting and 36:49 when this happened I bandaged it up and woke up the next 36:54 morning - you also lit that on fire? 36:56 I did, thank you for reminding me, I followed it up with 36:59 after stabbing a hundred times and having these 17 holes 37:03 I took a fire starter and proceeded to light my arm 37:09 until I don't recall the details. 37:12 I either got bored or tired. 37:13 The next morning I woke up and it was all bandaged and 37:16 my hand was so swollen and I proceeded to go to the 37:19 eating disorder unit as the outpatient program I was in 37:24 and the whole arm on the outskirts was pure white in the 37:28 center in the outskirts was green, 37:30 it already was infected. 37:34 - they would have been a number of skin grafts. 37:38 Yes I had skin removed from my left thigh and had 37:43 surgery which was thousands and thousands of dollars and 37:46 my right arm was almost 6 months later. 37:49 But I have to say with all that stuff is that all over 37:54 your body are these kinds of scars and cuts and burns. 37:59 It's all over your body, legs, arms, even the upper part 38:05 of your body has keloid scars that are lifted 38:09 right off the skin. 38:11 How do you get from that place, and self mutilation is 38:16 common in schools. 38:18 When I go to schools, even elementary schools when I talk 38:22 with kids at an academy, when I talk with kids in colleges 38:25 that I see cutters all over the place. 38:28 People that are literally quietly hurting themselves all 38:33 the time and so I know even though you did not read books 38:37 it was not unusual to act out on your own body. 38:40 Worldwide there is issues with cutters. 38:44 You could be a girl or a boy, he can be a teenager or an 38:48 adult, you could be married with children, you could be 50 38:52 years old, it has no background issues, any ethnic 38:59 background or anything like that. 39:01 I do see in Jr. high and those ages where I see 39:08 different types of self injury as opposed to maybe people 39:12 that are older, but again I see and I have to press the point, 39:16 no matter what the person is doing, it is a very serious 39:18 thing whether they are scratching, burning, or cutting 39:21 or plucking their hairs out of their eyebrows or eyelashes, 39:25 or they're pulling their hair, whatever the person is 39:28 getting scarification, or carving or what ever it is, 39:32 it is the severity of the level or depth and is something 39:35 that needs to be treated and talked about and get to the 39:38 issue that is below that which brings me to how are you 39:41 the way you are today? 39:43 I'm glad you asked. - good because I'm really going 39:46 there, how did you get out of that? 39:48 Basically I'm going to be real, okay? - okay! 39:54 I was in a gay bar and dancing and doing my thing and 40:01 this woman I began to talk to her and she was telling me 40:08 that she was a Christian, which blew my mind away. 40:11 Two plus two is 4 but I was not getting how that worked. 40:14 I said I don't get it, how can you be in a bar? 40:16 But we won't get into that because that's different 40:18 discussion altogether, a whole other the show. 40:19 - we will do it. 40:21 I'm there, she said why don't you come to church with me. 40:24 Well to impress this woman I said sure. 40:27 About a month later I did go to church and let me tell 40:31 you, the second I walked in to this church, it wasn't like 40:36 oh my life has changed, nothing like that. 40:39 But I sensed something, they said hi to me. 40:42 They didn't look at the eyebrow ring in the belly button 40:45 ring and a half shirt and everything was exposed. 40:48 They weren't looking at the hair 6 inches up because it 40:52 was Spike wild do, they were looking at me and God loved 40:55 me and they seemed real. 40:58 They really seemed real, and I was like wow. 41:01 They saw past it, so to make a long story longer. 41:05 Basically I went there, and went there again and read the 41:13 Bible, Mark and yelled that God and swore at Him. 41:15 But I know that God honored that because even though it 41:17 was not appropriate to swear at God, I don't recommend 41:19 that, I was being real and talking to Him. 41:22 We're having prayer we're having a discussion, having a heart to 41:25 heart - as a friend. - yeah totally. 41:28 Within a year and a half I just started going to church 41:32 and people said to me you don't cut it anymore, you don't 41:35 burn anymore, you don't get angry, you don't have 41:37 resentment, you have forgiven and I could go on and on 41:41 and on because I was also raped when I was 19 by an uncle 41:44 twice, I have forgiven everyone. 41:47 I have let go and they say to me how did that happen? 41:51 - how did that happen I want to hear it exactly detailed? 41:54 How did that happen? What did you feel like? 41:56 The most amazing thing I can say to you is that the first 42:01 thing I prayed, the most simplest prayer, God what ever 42:05 is in me that is not a of You take it from me 42:09 in Jesus name Amen. 42:12 I did not list everything, all I can say is today I am 42:15 happily married and have a beautiful 2 and 1/2 year-old 42:19 son in the last 11,12 years. - yes Jack Daniel. 42:20 Yes Jack Daniel, the last 12 years have been the best. 42:24 That doesn't have anything to do with alcohol does it? 42:27 because of the Bible? 42:29 Exactly, the last 12 and 1/2 years have been the 42:32 best years of my life. 42:33 Now that doesn't mean there weren't good times in my life 42:36 prior, there were they were just little. 42:38 Now every day is a great day, and it's not because I'm on 42:41 some kind of drug I can skip through going Lalala. 42:44 It's because I have God inside of me that helps me deal 42:47 with every situation every day. 42:48 And not only their accepting Jesus in my heart and 42:53 getting my life right and saying that prayer to take away 42:57 from me what I like to call the F word, and it's not the 43:00 F word you're thinking of, its forgiveness. 43:03 We have to be forgiving, we have to forgive and we had to 43:07 be forgiving toward other people. 43:08 There are people out there today, you are sitting there 43:12 at home and going you know Vicky, I didn't abuse myself. 43:15 I've abused other people and now I'm cutting, I'm burning, 43:18 now I am doing things. 43:19 You need to forgive yourself, everybody needs to work on 43:22 forgiveness and my support group that I run, they hate when 43:25 I say it, oh she's talking about forgiveness I have to 43:28 go to the bathroom, Dah, Dah, Dah. 43:29 I called the F word because we act like it's a swear word. 43:33 We act like it's a plague, we can't say forgiveness. 43:35 God talks about it so much in the Bible. - it releases us. 43:40 All of a sudden I am an empowered, 43:43 God can take it away from me. 43:47 Absolutely, the second most important thing obviously is 43:50 receiving Jesus as my savior, the second forgiving, 43:53 and the third is time with God. 43:55 I didn't go out to the bars and dance and continue all that. 43:59 God take anything that is not from you from me in Jesus name, 44:03 that included spending time with God, going to prayer. 44:07 I spent, not that I'm devout and all that, but I had issues 44:11 going on and I wasn't an advent person and worked 44:15 out and had the eating disorder. 44:17 I took what He said to me and took those two hours that 44:20 you spend every morning and seek Me and pray and I went 44:23 okay, when God tells me I do it. 44:25 I'm like a plow, alright I'm going to do it. 44:27 For two years our church was fortunate enough to have a 44:32 prayer room and I went and prayed two hours before 44:34 I went to work and it changed my life. 44:36 Forgiveness came into my heart, God worked in me. 44:39 I had a little piece of paper with all these people's 44:41 names on it, people that abused me and raped me. 44:43 I prayed for them for salvation, that they would come to 44:47 God, I pray for my mom. - I so love you, I love you. 44:51 I think the coolest thing I think about you is your 44:54 background and your pain and cutting I understand 44:58 because I have seen it and work with people like that, 45:00 but I also see you so took God into your life. 45:04 He's crazy about me. - I love that. 45:09 Okay we are going to open it up for questions because 45:11 I know that everybody has questions. Samantha! 45:14 Thank you and I appreciate your testimony, I was just 45:15 wondering how long did it take you from the time that 45:17 you were swearing at God and looking in the Bible to 45:19 where you felt that God has actually healed you? 45:22 The first time I stepped foot into the church was 45:25 March of 1995, I accepted the Lord in my heart within 45:28 a couple months after that. 45:29 I did the whole debate with God, actually I should add to 45:32 that I gave Him 30 days to prove Himself real to me. 45:36 - I like that we are just nothing and acting out like 45:39 crazy and we say God you have 30 days. - right. 45:42 I wanted a 30-day money back guaranteed is what I want. 45:45 - what's really funny is that God so says that's what 45:49 you got to work with I'll work with it. 45:50 So basically I did this debate, a 30 day type of deal and 45:54 God just changed my life within a couple months after that 45:58 the desires to harm myself were less. 46:04 That might not seem like much, but it was really big. 46:06 I would have bloody knives underneath my bed and people 46:08 will come over and I would have kicked them under the bed. 46:10 This is a big, big secret with me. 46:12 So to answer your question, the process was quick 46:17 but slow, with 1 and 1/2 years I did a 180, I looked 46:20 different, I talked different, and the ear rings, 46:24 12 ear rings in one ear and 7 in the left came out. 46:27 The eyebrow ring and the belly button ring and the reason 46:30 why is because I simply prayed to God that if anything 46:33 wasn't of me to take it away. 46:35 I know that those things represented something, 46:40 they represented a hurt, they represented an issue 46:44 whether it was an eyebrow ring or whatever it was 46:47 my whole look changed completely. 46:49 - what I want to say and it's interesting to me is that 46:53 a lot of people will start to teach someone how to look 46:56 or how to behave and they don't wait for the Holy Spirit 46:59 to do it, because the Holy Spirit does it in ways that 47:02 is gentle, so gentle. - yes. 47:04 No one came up to me, no one talked to me, no one said 47:07 you had to change this or that, it was just simply the 47:10 love of God working in me. 47:13 Within 1 and 1/2 years I decided one day, I don't 47:16 recommend this for everybody, I had 400 and some pills 47:20 that I had just had, I was on psychiatric medication and 47:24 I had just had them filled. 47:25 I was taken 17 pills a day, I just heard like our voices 47:30 right now, throw them out, flush them down the toilet. 47:34 I did, cold turkey I stopped my therapy a few months 47:38 later and within a year and a half a 180. 47:41 Looked different, talked different, acted different and 47:44 began to just get in prayer for the next couple years 47:48 and seek God and that's how I did it. 47:50 Everything was taken from me, and again the key thing was 47:52 obviously accepting Jesus into my heart. 47:54 That was first and foremost, forgiving and time with God. 47:58 Amen and I know that, Sharon you had a question. 48:01 Yes I do have a couple questions but first we give thanks 48:05 for you sharing your testimony with us today. 48:07 It was actually really hard for me to sit 48:09 here and hear that. 48:10 I have had some stuff happen in my life but nothing 48:14 that compares with that and I guess as a mum and friend 48:17 and someone who sits in church each week who really 48:21 cares about the people in my congregation, I want to 48:24 know what I can do to support someone who's been 48:27 through something like that? 48:28 Love them, it is probably the best thing we can do. 48:34 Love covers a multitude of sin, it doesn't mean overlook 48:38 it, but love them, talk to them, and genuinely care. 48:42 There is so many people that are afraid to expose their 48:46 sin and people don't see self injury as sin, but it is 48:50 not God's desire that we hurt our bodies, so it is not 48:53 pleasing to Him, but yet He knows we are hurting just 48:57 like any other type of issues that we deal with. 48:59 Love them, talk to them, really show them that you do care 49:03 and they are not going to end up in a place they 49:05 don't want to, a hospital or anything. 49:07 That is their greatest fear that people won't understand. 49:10 So many people I've talked to say they get judged, whether 49:13 it is in the Christian realm or the world, 49:17 they are getting judged in some way. 49:19 Show them love, show them true character of God, 49:23 and really listen to them. 49:24 Have you ever had a conversation with someone and 49:27 you know they are not listening to you? 49:30 Sometimes you need to be heard, you need to get the gook 49:33 and the mire out, but they also need to know that you 49:36 truly care so they can open up and get to the next step. 49:39 They may not be at the point where they're going to accept 49:42 Jesus into your heart yet, there is a path and 49:44 steps to get them there. 49:45 If they are in therapy, that it's okay for the time. 49:47 If they are on medication that is okay for the time. 49:49 Whatever is there is a time for God because He is the one 49:52 ultimately going to take it all away and do the healing. 49:55 We have to start in the church loving the people. 50:00 As we're talking about church members, I loved the question. 50:03 There is a lot of folks that will tell me, even myself 50:07 when I started opening up about my background. 50:09 People will get you like our a leopard then, like you 50:13 are crazy, somehow you were a little bit off or twisted. 50:18 Christ never did that with the demoniac, filled with a 1000 50:22 demons, cutting on himself, beating people up, and Christ 50:26 looked at him as a man of God underneath all that stuff 50:30 with an incredible desire to be well. 50:32 That's how we need to look at each other, especially in 50:36 the church, is I know that you are not crazy. 50:40 I know that you are in pain and that Satan is lying to 50:43 you, even inserting things for you to do to yourself, 50:46 cut, stab, and that stuff. 50:48 As church members we should so not let that affect us 50:52 that we withdraw our support. 50:54 That is really hard to do when someone has an issue that 50:58 is beyond what you have ever experienced, beyond what is 51:02 in your circle of influence, and God says I want you to 51:05 love on this person right now. 51:07 The person that brought me to Christ, she said she would take 51:10 off and just say in the middle of something and say excuse me, 51:13 I need to go to the bathroom and she would go fall on her 51:15 knees and say God I don't know how to deal with this. 51:17 I don't know how to respond please teach me. 51:20 In your head that is all you have to say to yourself. 51:23 It's teach me to listen and respond in a way that will 51:26 bring this person into the throne room of God, to health. 51:29 It's just amazing, absolutely amazing. 51:31 That was a good answer and I know that 51:34 you had one more question. 51:35 Well look Cheri I think she has actually answered 51:38 the question, but question I had was how do 51:40 I know how to help. 51:41 I think the answer is basically there if I open myself 51:45 up to God and He will show the way in terms of 51:47 helping someone might be. 51:49 The Holy Spirit will guide you He dwells inside of us, 51:53 and once we receive Him in our heart, He's in there. 51:57 The Holy Spirit is guiding us what to say and when to say 52:01 it, sometimes we may feel I don't know what I can do 52:04 I've never dealt with someone who's cut themselves and 52:07 they have this and they have that. 52:08 Don't think about that, God cares about every aspect 52:12 of what we go through, He certainly cares about 52:14 that individual and what you can say. 52:17 It could just be a hug, I do care, I'm going 52:20 to get you help and just rely on the inward knowing and 52:24 the Holy Spirit will guide you. 52:26 Can I say, just so we don't lose track of this with the 52:29 Holy Spirit? Is I never understood that God says I want 52:33 to dwell with you, I want to be so in you that 52:36 I will give you the things to say. 52:37 Because sometimes I pray to the Holy Spirit everyday in 52:40 worship and sometimes I will be talking to somebody and 52:43 counseling and I think I'd like to take notes on myself 52:46 right now, because that was so good. 52:48 It's God, and when you know you are not capable of 52:51 thinking that way, counseling that way, is you know 52:55 that God gifted you with His counseling. 52:58 He is ultimately the counselor, the great physician, 53:01 great friend and that kind of thing. 53:03 I think Lisa you had a question. 53:05 Vicky, when I read your book 'No More Pain', the thing 53:08 that impressed me the most was that you took two hours 53:12 a day for a couple years to seek the Lord in prayer and 53:16 how He took all this from you and healed you. 53:19 And now when things hurt you, or your feelings, death in 53:25 the family, this thought is not with you more? 53:29 You don't have these thoughts to hurt yourself anymore? 53:33 - is that right? 53:35 That is absolutely 100% correct. 53:37 - Your mom committed suicide not long ago. - right! 53:40 I called you, I remember feeling like I wanted to go get 53:43 a plane ticket and fly to your house because I was so 53:46 afraid for you when I heard the news. 53:48 Yes my mom, another show. but my mom battled many 53:54 things and I found her barely breathing and right then 54:01 and there I knew that this was the end. 54:05 It's a long story but for the sake of time, I knew she 54:12 was going to be at peace, 54:13 although she did take her own life. 54:17 I know we don't have time to get into that. 54:18 I was about family restoration, I wanted people to make 54:23 amends with her, I wanted who ever had something with her, she 54:26 was physically here, to spend the next 4 days, while she was 54:29 in a coma, to come and make things right. 54:30 That was my heart's desire, she was so proud of the life 54:35 I made for myself, what God had done in my life, 54:37 the changes, that I wanted to do honor unto her and have people 54:44 share with her and I never had a thought to harm ever. 54:47 That is amazing, so your healing was so amazing that you 54:50 never even had a thought. 54:52 I now want to have you come back and want to hear exactly 54:55 how God has worked in your life because I love you, 54:57 I love you. - I love you too! 54:59 You know thank you for coming, God bless you and your 55:02 recovery and know that you are part of our family. 55:05 Thank you, thanks for all your doing. 55:06 We are going to go ahead and take a break, but if you are 55:08 out there and you have got anything, you are hurting 55:11 yourself in any way, I'm talking about anyway. 55:13 I'm talking about religious addictions for perfectionism. 55:17 Stealing, spending, cutting, drug addiction, alcoholism, 55:20 porn addictions, any of that kind of stuff. 55:23 If you are anywhere know that God is bigger than your 55:26 addictions and He wants to heal you. 55:28 He wants to step into your life to say out loud to God, 55:32 give me the Holy Spirit, fill me up, forgive me of my sins and 55:36 come into my life, I'm done. 55:38 We'll be right back. 55:45 Cheri Peters uses the book, 'Coming Of The Comforter' 55:48 as a guide for the second season of Celebrating Life In 55:51 Recovery, written by Lee Roy E. Froom is a 320 page book 55:54 that offers every sinner the knowledge that the 55:57 Holy Spirit is available to all. 55:59 3ABN now offers this book to you for a suggested donation 56:03 of only $13 postpaid within the US. 56:06 Call 3ABN at 618-627-4651 or go online to 3ABN.org. 56:26 I absolutely love the fact that God can come into our 56:29 lives and change everything. 56:31 You know earlier we were talking about the kid Lindsay. 56:34 She ends up at the moment that I was telling you that 56:37 God doesn't care about that, He poured in the 56:39 Holy Spirit with her and I watched her change 56:42 in ways that were unbelievable. 56:44 The next time I see this kids it was still at that court 56:47 appointed alternative school and she look like a little 56:50 angel, I'm thinking oh shut up. 56:52 This kid was smiling and she was happy, she saw herself 56:56 as lovely and pure and I know with Vicky 56:59 as she got into healing. 57:01 And you heard her say, from the moment God stepped in to 57:04 her life she started being able to find peace for the 57:07 first time and she set with God in devotion. 57:09 She could feel His presence, she could feel the fact that 57:12 He loved her, all the cuts and stuff in her body are just 57:16 victors from this war that she had been through. 57:20 She is no longer ashamed of them and she can tell you that God 57:23 stopped it all, God changed it all. 57:25 I'm thinking that that is the God we have. 57:28 If you have anything you have to trust God with, 57:31 know that that is the God we have and the Holy Spirit 57:34 says ask Me every day to fill you up, every single day. 57:37 Were like leaky vessels, if you don't stay fill me up 57:39 during the day we will leak out all over the place and 57:42 we are empty again so every single day when 57:44 you are in your time with God. 57:45 It doesn't have to be formal or on your knees or 57:48 whatever, you can speak to God anyway you want to and 57:50 say fill me up with your Holy Spirit because I am not 57:53 bright enough to get through all this junk. 57:55 I don't even know what all the junk looks like but 57:57 I know that You do and I also know that You know who 57:59 I am outside of all this damage. 58:02 You know what? You are amazing! You are amazing. 58:05 Just remember and always remember that God is crazy 58:09 about you and remember too, I am. 58:11 I am crazy about you, see you next time and until 58:15 then get on your knees and hang out with God a bit. 58:19 You will be surprised of the changes. |
Revised 2014-12-17