Participants: Cheri Peters (Host), John Leaman
Series Code: CLR
Program Code: CLR000023
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00:11 Welcome to Celebrating Life in Recovery,
00:13 I am Cheri your host. 00:14 Have you ever felt like you just don't fit in? 00:16 Something is not just quite right? 00:18 If you have ever felt like that I have some awesome news 00:21 for you, life-changing. 00:50 When I was young, and some of you have heard this, my mom 00:54 well before I was born my mom tried to self aboard 00:57 a number of times and she was 14 years old. 01:00 I was her second child and my father was beating her and 01:03 that type of stuff. 01:05 She just had this horrible realization that another child 01:09 is going to make this worse of course. 01:11 So she tried to self aboard. 01:13 Coat hangers, pills, hot tubs, all kinds of things. 01:16 I remember as I had some kind of awareness of that anger 01:22 and that desperation in her life as I grew up. 01:27 I knew that I wasn't loved, couldn't figure out what it 01:29 was all about, but about three years old was my first 01:32 memory of really desperately trying to get 01:34 my mom to love me. 01:36 I did everything, I would go in the bedroom and would stand 01:39 in front of the mirror and figure out a song, I'd think 01:42 that's perfect, it's such a good song. 01:44 I would run out and sing for her, I'd think if I did it 01:47 well enough, maybe she would let me sit next to her. 01:52 Maybe she would say, you know I love that, or I love you 01:56 or something, but she would usually get mad at me. 01:59 She would say something, why are you always hanging on me? 02:02 I remember hearing that so many times. 02:05 I heard that I wasn't wanted growing up. 02:08 I heard that I was all the problem, if it wasn't for me 02:11 their life would be fine in those kinds of things. 02:15 I don't want to sound pathetic, but as a little girl she 02:19 would laugh and play with someone else and I would so 02:22 want that, I would just want that. 02:25 At the same time that my dad was molesting us. 02:28 My mom was very angry, very withdrawn, her life was just 02:35 like I said falling apart. 02:37 She had five kids before she was 21 years old. 02:39 So I wasn't the only child, but I was probably the one 02:42 she felt, because she was so young, that if it wasn't, 02:45 if I had gotten pregnant now I could have somehow 02:48 gotten out of this. 02:52 Before I get into that, I want to introduce you to those 02:55 at the café, this is going to be a little heavy at first. 02:58 But I'm telling you to stay with me because you know what? 03:02 God has so blessed me that all that hurt, when I think 03:06 about it I feel it, you know what, I don't think about it 03:09 too much, so stay with us. 03:11 I'm going to introduce you to the people at the café. 03:13 We've got Jim, and John Lehman, and John would get to 03:16 hear your testimony today and I'm thrilled. 03:18 We have Monique, we've got Irma, 03:20 we've got Amy and Kristin. 03:22 I'm so glad that you are here. 03:23 When I said I was young I had all this stuff going on. 03:28 I was trying to figure out who I am, where do I fit, 03:32 and I so never fit anywhere. 03:34 I never felt like I belonged anywhere. 03:38 As I grew up I just got, I think worse. 03:43 I did drugs for the first time when I was 11 or 12 years 03:47 old, and the first time I did drugs I'm like Yahoo. 03:51 I don't feel like killing myself, I don't care if you 03:54 don't like me, you don't like me, too bad! 03:57 I am here, and you know I just got loud, it felt like 04:02 every single thing that was wrong in my life, was OK. 04:07 Every single thing, and it was weird to me. 04:10 I couldn't figure out, why didn't somebody tell me about 04:16 these drugs sooner? If you know what I mean? 04:18 I remember just going on the street and 04:22 I no longer cared about that. 04:24 As the Holy Spirit started drawing me to Him, as I got 04:28 older, I was on the street for 10 years. 04:30 We have talked about that on another show. 04:33 But as the Holy Spirit started drawing me to Him, 04:35 I had an encounter with God. 04:37 An encounter with Jesus Christ who said to me, I love you. 04:42 I remember sitting there, I had never been loved by anyone. 04:46 I really felt that, 10 years on the streets I had seen 04:49 some things that were just absolutely horrendous and so 04:53 I had never felt so loved by anyone. 04:54 But I hear God say, I love you. 04:58 I started crying at first, I'm 100 pounds, strung out on 05:02 heroine by that time, 23 years old. 05:04 I had teeth missing out of the front of my mouth and 05:06 I said, look at me. 05:10 All I got when I said that was a sense that God gave me 05:15 a vision of this beautiful girl, not damaged, not unloved, 05:19 and He said this is who I see when I look at you. 05:22 I wept, I thought that this girl was beautiful and 05:26 innocent, and I said I'd never been that. 05:28 Obviously loved, I have never been that. 05:31 He said, I promise you, if you stand up I will walk you 05:35 into this because you are all that to Me. 05:38 I so love you, I so want everything for you. 05:41 I want you to feel love that you have never felt in your 05:44 life, and I think about, at that time as the Holy Spirit 05:47 drew me to God, I believe, the Bible is clear about it, 05:51 the Bible says I am now adopted into the family of God. 05:55 I'm like shut up, how fun is that? 05:58 Think of this, most families when a child comes into 06:02 their life, they do a room for them, they get ready for 06:05 them, they so love them, and pick out a name, they give 06:09 that child their name, they will do what ever it takes to 06:12 let that child know that you are so loved. 06:15 When they come into this household, so loved. 06:17 I thought, what happened, that's not the home I came from. 06:20 What happens when you are adopted into the family of God? 06:24 Right, this is a God that spoke the world into existence, 06:28 right? Spoke the world into existence. 06:31 When Christ came, He came down to this planet, walked into 06:35 villages and healed every single body there, everybody there. 06:38 I'm like stop, everybody? 06:40 They said sometimes he left the village with not 06:42 one sick person was there. 06:44 When they say sick, I don't even care about physical 06:47 sicknesses anymore, I know a lot of people that are 06:50 mentally sick, and I bet there was not one mentally sick 06:53 person there, there was not one depressed person there. 06:55 There was not one person that wanted to kill themselves 06:58 there after Christ walked through. 07:00 I'm thinking, okay, how cool is that? 07:01 But now I'm adopted into His family, coming into His home. 07:06 I thought is He going to heal me like that? 07:11 He's my Father, would He say no, no I don't want to heal 07:15 you though, I will go through an entire village and heal 07:18 everybody there, but as my adopted child, I won't heal you. 07:22 How ridiculous is that? 07:23 As His adopted child, I am, He pours into me, pours into me 07:29 He wants to heal every part of me. 07:31 I have to get that because it is not something that He 07:34 has to do, I am His child. 07:36 He would do a back flips around the house to make me 07:40 laugh, because I'm His child. 07:42 That's what we do with kids, right? 07:43 You want to make them laugh, you throw them up in the air, 07:45 and do all that type of stuff. 07:46 We are God's kids, and I kept thinking as a little girl 07:49 three years old, nobody was doing that to me. 07:52 But as the Holy Spirit drew me into this new relationship 07:55 with God, God said, you don't even know, you don't even 07:58 know that I am your Father in everything that you didn't 08:01 get as a kid, I want to give you. 08:03 Everything you didn't get growing up, all the stuff that 08:06 is in your head that says you are worth nothing, 08:08 I want to show you every single day that was such a lie. 08:12 I want to give you the entire universe, 08:14 your inheritance is huge, and not huge in cash, huge in 08:19 every single thing else. 08:21 Not that we don't get cash because God wants to bless us. 08:24 But it is huge in everything, it's like all the 08:27 insecurities I had are going to be gone. 08:29 I had hepatitis A, B and C, a lot of people know that. 08:32 God healed me, I couldn't even believe that. 08:34 I think that was amazing. I had teeth missing out of 08:36 the front of my mouth and He puts a dentist almost 08:39 right in front me. 08:40 This dentist says, can I fix your teeth? 08:42 Hello, of course you can and I want to see the whole 08:46 thing, people know they are going to cut into my face, 08:49 scrape my face because it is all rotted, and I just want 08:52 to watch the whole thing. 08:53 I thought I have a Father that every single thing 08:56 was important to Him. 08:57 I learned to read, I went back to school and all that 09:01 stuff and I still had some stuff I was dealing with. 09:04 That was interesting, because when the Holy Spirit 09:07 comes in, when you come into God's house, 09:09 it feels like as soon as I walk in that all that stuff 09:12 should be left at the door, right? 09:14 God says if you want to leave it at the door, but we 09:17 think we need it, no, no, I'm stuffing my pockets full. 09:20 I'm taking all my garbage with me, I have a backpack on, 09:23 I have a couple suitcases with the junk. 09:25 What is really fun about God is He says, if you have 09:27 to bring it in, bring it in, but if you don't want to, 09:30 you can leave everything single thing behind. 09:33 To the extent that you get that, your healing will happen 09:35 instantaneously, most of us don't get it right away. 09:38 We come into God's house, still rebelling, we still have 09:41 anger issues, were still on porn once in a while. 09:44 We are still doing all that stuff and God is long- 09:47 suffering, the Bible says in Romans 2:4. 09:51 But He hangs in there with us, He just is long-suffering. 09:55 He says I will work with you every time you fall down, 09:58 every time you stand up, because you are My child. 10:02 I think your lovely and I can't wait to till you see it. 10:05 When you see it enough you'll never have hurt yourself 10:08 again, that you will never want to die again, that you 10:11 will never feel like you are not worth anything again 10:13 because you're worth everything to Me, everything to Me. 10:17 It says the angels in heaven watch us, the angels in 10:19 Heaven watch us and I used to think they watched us 10:22 because when we fell down they thought, oh man poof, 10:25 there's another one and she did it again. 10:27 God says stop, let Me tell you what really happens. 10:30 I believe through the Holy Spirit God told me this. 10:33 That He doesn't say, check every time we do something 10:37 wrong, every single time we get it, every single time 10:40 I can rest in God's love, every single time 10:43 all of Heaven stands up. 10:45 Wow, I think John's got it, did you see his face? 10:49 There was joy on his face and that's what they check. 10:52 They don't check when we mess up because they would 10:55 be running out of pencils, if you know what I mean? 10:58 We're messing up right and left and God says I check when 11:01 you get it because I so want you to understand how love you are. 11:04 You are my child, He says it in almost every page of the 11:07 Bible, every page of the Bible. 11:09 Years after I accepted Christ, He was amazing to me. 11:15 When I got married, I married a guy that was Mr. December. 11:19 In a calendar the most eligible bachelor in Northern California 11:23 They had all kinds of people. 11:24 They had people from real estate, they have lawyers and 11:27 doctors, my husband happened to be in skilled harmonics so 11:30 he was in the symphony and he was Mr. December, so calendar 11:33 boy, I thought that was hilarious. 11:34 So God gives me this husband that is just adorable. 11:37 He was a Boy Scout until he was 18 years old. 11:40 I'm thinking how funny is that? 11:41 He was so not enabling me, I would want to be crazy and 11:46 chaotic, he did not enable any of that. 11:50 So I was able to give that up easier and it was fun. 11:54 But I asked God if I could get into ministry? 11:56 I really wanted to get into ministry, and do you know why? 12:00 Because I love Him so much, and I know He changes lives. 12:04 I know there are people that don't know that and 12:06 I want to tell them. 12:07 I want to tell the prostitutes in Thailand that is five, 12:11 that we have a God they can change your life. 12:14 I want to tell the person who had just buried their loved one, 12:20 that we have a God that is going to raise them up. 12:22 You know what I mean how I want to tell people. 12:23 So I said I want to get into ministry. 12:26 So He lets me do that which is amazing. 12:28 We have an international ministry, we do this television 12:30 show, and all that stuff. 12:32 I'm at this gig one time, I'm at a church and I was doing the 12:36 speaking thing and I get down and this woman comes up to 12:38 me, and I've known her for a while. 12:41 She's in Walla Walla Washington and she came up to me and 12:44 said, Cheri does your mother love you yet? 12:47 And I looked at her, I wanted to just answer, I usually 12:51 can answer that without a lot of pain, but I started 12:55 crying and I was embarrassed. 12:57 I couldn't stop crying and I finally said, 12:59 you know I don't think so. 13:01 I don't think so not because my mother is bad, my mother is so 13:05 damaged, nobody ever loved her, do you know what I mean? 13:08 She never learned how to love a child, she never had it in her, 13:11 she did not know how to do all that stuff and she got 13:14 damaged again very early having children of her own. 13:17 So pray for my mom, because it wasn't even her fault. 13:21 She just had all this junk happen to her. 13:22 It hit me off guard when she said that and I said no. 13:27 She said I don't even understand that. 13:30 You're just my friend and I love you and she left that day 13:35 and she asked her whole family, what would you think if 13:40 we adopted a little girl? 13:43 She asked everybody, and they thought it was a lovely idea. 13:47 So she came back to me, I was 43 at the time. 13:50 You know Cheri, I would like to adopt you. 13:53 I'm thinking, can you do that? I'm like old you know. 13:57 I don't know if you could do that. 13:59 She said I would like to adopt you. 14:00 Her name is Marcia and her husband's name is John, and so 14:04 John just had tears in his eyes. 14:07 Like you know what, please say yes. 14:10 I'm thinking why do I want to say yes? 14:14 My whole body is like yes, you know. 14:17 I don't say that to everybody and I don't mean that to 14:20 everybody, I wasn't looking for that but everything in me 14:23 just wanted to say yes. 14:24 So I said yes, and so we wrote up these adoption papers 14:27 and all that, it was a fun thing to do. 14:30 Then I get home and the next week I get a birthday card 14:35 in the mail, my first birthday card. 14:38 It's a little umbrella with a duck, Happy First Birthday. 14:43 I'm like shut up, how fun is that. 14:45 I read it and it was this little you know what? 14:48 I'm going to send you a card every week until I catch up 14:50 with your age. How fun is that? 14:52 It was so cute and I read it and showed people and 14:55 we laughed and it was adorable. 14:57 I set it down and the next week, I did, I got my second birthday 15:01 card and it was another little tiny kids birthday card. 15:05 It said something really sweet inside and 15:07 I could just feel myself heal. 15:12 It's weird, I could just feel it and all of a sudden 15:15 I'm almost standing by the mailbox. 15:19 I'm thinking I'm a grown woman and I'm standing by the 15:22 mailbox waiting for my birthday cards. 15:24 So I get my third birthday card, my third birthday card 15:27 is when I remember singing to my mom and her telling me 15:31 to stop hanging on her. 15:32 I remember my dad had molested me, the molest was so 15:36 horrendous that I can't even share it with you. 15:39 Do you know what I mean, he had me and my sister side by side. 15:42 We never talked about it to each other and when we were grown, 15:45 not grown, I think we were grown kids, three, my sister 15:48 was four and my other sister was two and we were sitting 15:51 side by side in the molest. 15:53 And that's what I remember at three. 15:55 So I opened my third birthday card and she says, Cheri 15:59 I bet you were lovely and I wish I could have held your 16:04 face and just kissed you. 16:06 I cried, I stood there with this card in my hand and 16:11 just cried, and I thought God why do you do this to us? 16:16 I felt a piece of me that was so empty, a piece of me that 16:20 was so lost, that piece I felt God step in and just 16:25 bring healing, it was unbelievable. 16:27 When somebody says to me Cheri, I got to tell you I spent 16:34 time at my moms house, my new mom Marcia. 16:37 Laying on the bed with her going through pictures and 16:40 she introduced me to everybody in the family. 16:42 People that have died long ago and she wanted to tell 16:44 me stories about them. 16:46 John went off to New York and did a seminar one time and 16:50 came back and he bought all his kids these hats from New 16:53 York, and he didn't want to give me a hat that he bought 16:56 so he gave me one that he loved that was his. 16:59 I'm thinking, I thought I can't take this from you John. 17:03 You love this hat, you have had it for a long time. 17:06 He got it I think from his dad. 17:08 He said you are my daughter and I want you to have this. 17:11 And I'm crying like a baby, every time I turned around. 17:15 My mom ended up getting cancer and died. 17:22 I laid in bed with her and had to say goodbye. 17:26 I remember saying to God why did I have to say goodbye 17:29 to her, He said you know, I could only give her to you for a 17:34 little while, but I gave her to you for you to be with 17:38 her while she died, and I gave her to you so she could 17:42 love you into life. 17:43 I'm thinking how cool are You. 17:45 So when God brings healing into our lives, 17:47 I don't care what it is, the Holy Spirit comes in and 17:50 says I know who you are. 17:51 Amy we are going to talk to you someday and I know that 17:53 you were an adopted child so you know exactly what 17:57 I'm saying how is all of a sudden God says I love you. 18:01 I love you and I promise all the deficiencies, all the 18:05 defects that you think you have, all the shortcomings. 18:08 I have attachment disorders and bondage disorders. 18:11 I never bonded with my mom. 18:12 She tried to give me away when I was born and all those 18:15 things, when I met God I didn't know how to socialize. 18:17 I didn't know anything and thinking all those things 18:20 God says I will bit by bit bring healing into your life. 18:23 I will teach you how to stand in your own skin 18:26 and love it, love it. 18:28 You know most people they tell me Cheri, 18:30 why are you always happy? How could I not be happy? 18:34 I've inherited everything and I deserve nothing. 18:37 It was all because of God and the Holy Spirit. 18:40 I want you to know that we are going to be right back. 18:43 But stay tuned because I want to introduce you to 18:46 a friend of mine here at 3ABN that you will absolutely love. 18:49 If you are not feeling normal, if you feel like you have 18:53 never fit in, either I will adopt you or God can adopt you 18:57 and that is much better, we will be right back! 19:04 Think you've seen it all? Think again! 19:09 Cheri Peters is back for a second season of 19:11 Celebrating Life In Recovery with more lives 19:14 more stories and more miracles. 19:17 Watch the shocking, the inspiring, and the incredible. 19:21 Check your local listings to find out when 19:24 Celebrating Life In Recovery comes to you and get 19:27 ready for another dose of reality, Cheri style. 19:46 I find it interesting when the Holy Spirit was given to me 19:51 by God and the Bible says, as a father, as our parents 19:54 when they give us good things, most of our parents. 19:57 When they give us good things, and they do, that God 20:00 in heaven wants to give us the best things and He 20:03 mentions that, that is the Holy Spirit. 20:05 He pours the Holy Spirit into us, the Holy Spirit 20:08 doesn't just come in and change things all at once. 20:12 I read in Romans 7 were Paul says, every single time 20:16 that I want to do good I don't, in Romans 7:21. 20:20 I want to do good and I don't, when I want to do evil 20:23 I do good and is like you are so confused and all over 20:26 the board and finally he ends with, oh wretched man 20:29 that I am, who is going to save me? 20:31 Who is going to protect me from myself, from the war 20:34 that is within myself and God says, I am, I am! 20:39 It's not anything that we come up with. 20:40 It is not anything that I cleverly figure out. 20:43 God says trust Me and I will change all that for you. 20:47 All that struggle you have, as you start walking with Me, 20:51 as you trust Me I'll change that. 20:53 I want to introduce you to a friend of mine, John Leaman. 20:56 John I want to thank you for being on the show. 20:58 My pleasure. - it's a blast to have you here. 21:00 I know that our backgrounds, not that the stories are the 21:04 same, but we are similar in some stuff, don't you think? 21:07 Absolutely, I related very much to what 21:10 you said in the beginning. 21:11 So what did you relate to? 21:12 Mainly about the adoption thing, I really relate to that. 21:17 But not feeling like I belonged anywhere. 21:20 Because you never felt that way, right? 21:23 Right, the very first memory I have is being three years 21:26 old going to preschool at a church, maybe about 20-30 kids. 21:30 I hid under furniture in the house to avoid going there. 21:34 - if nobody found me they could not take me? 21:37 Right, the reason was when my parents would leave me there 21:41 I could have sworn to you, on the Bible if I had one, 21:45 That they all knew exactly what they were supposed to do. 21:49 They had a meeting about it and they did it without me 21:53 being there, and when I walked in I felt like I so don't 21:57 belong here, I just wanted to run away and go away. 22:00 - At 3? -Yeah, but I could let anybody know that because even 22:03 then the fear and the pretending had already started. 22:06 I have to act as if everything is okay even though 22:10 inside, everything is not. 22:11 So at that age the tension started to build in me. 22:15 Like you are broke and everybody else is okay. 22:19 Nobody knows how you feel, and nobody can do anything 22:22 about it so you will have to suffer through life. 22:24 - just fake it. - yeah just act as if everything is 22:27 okay even though it is not. 22:29 Whatever you do don't tell anybody how you really feel 22:32 because then who knows what they will do with you. 22:35 The fear of the unknown, something will happen you just 22:38 did know what, if somebody found out. 22:40 I needed people to like me, but that was very difficult 22:44 because I really didn't like people. 22:46 - I like that. - I needed them to like me. 22:49 Do you understand? The dichotomy was my existence was 22:52 that I was torn up from the inside out and 22:54 I didn't know what to do about it. 22:55 It paralyzed me every which way you want to go. 22:59 - so this is preschool, what about when you started school? 23:03 Did your parents see it? 23:05 They saw it in acting out, so they look at it as a 23:09 behavioral problem, back then was early diagnosis of ADD, 23:14 HD whatever, all alphabet soup. 23:17 They tried the medication but it knocked me out pretty 23:21 much and they said, no that is worse. 23:23 So I am thankful for that, that I got to experience it. 23:27 That is one thing I'm grateful for what has happened to me 23:29 in my life, and I'm grateful that I was allowed to, 23:32 now other people may not be grateful. 23:35 But I'm glad that I got to experience the quote the hell I 23:40 got to experience because it made me so conscious of the 23:43 fact that God is real and can save anybody. 23:45 When so many said that to me the first time, they said, 23:48 you know Cheri, one of these days you are going to look back 23:50 on your past and say I wouldn't change a thing. 23:53 I thought are you nuts, are you absolutely nuts. 23:56 Did you just hear what my past was like? 23:58 When the day came I thought I wouldn't change anything 24:02 because I could sit with anybody and when somebody says 24:04 I feel lost, I know what that feels like. 24:06 I can really step in and say, you know what, I know 24:10 somebody that actually is searching for you and will 24:12 bring you home and you will be okay. 24:15 So you are saying that kind of thing, even though it was 24:18 hard and the story we will hear about your life is tough. 24:21 But you wouldn't change anything. 24:23 No of course not, my story really is not anything 24:26 spectacular by any stretch of the imagination. 24:29 What you just told me was tough, I'm like, there has got 24:31 to be one or two more things. 24:33 Things have happened to me or not, they are not 24:36 spectacular honestly, the way I feel, I believe this and 24:38 the reason I am saying it like this is not to minimize 24:40 what happened to me, but I believe so many people go 24:44 through so much less maybe than even I did, 24:46 but the torture internally is the same I believe. 24:51 I don't know if I could prove that, but for anybody to 24:54 come to a position where they can surrender their will 24:58 essentially that's what we need to do is surrender our 25:01 will, to gain healing from God we have to surrender. 25:03 Anybody that is going to surrender their will and accept 25:07 God's will in it's place has to be defeated. 25:10 You have to understand what your condition is. 25:13 Right, and the only way we get there is by being tortured 25:16 and tormented emotionally, now how that manifests itself 25:19 in different people is different, but mine was very 25:22 outward and people realized what I was going through 25:24 because it just came out. 25:26 So you were exploding and you were angry and acting out. 25:29 Hiding under tables, refusing to go somewhere? 25:31 Oh yeah, it was awful. 25:33 There is a history of alcoholism in my family but it didn't 25:36 really play a huge role in my childhood. 25:39 My upbringing was good in many ways, we were fairly 25:42 middle-class, and dad always worked and mom she had some 25:47 emotional problems and she was a recovered alcoholic from 25:50 most of my memory. 25:52 She drank when we were young, but I didn't see 25:54 much of that, there wasn't any abuse 25:55 in the home, things were okay. I went to school and got good 25:58 grades, more or less got along with the kids. 26:02 Okay in school and the teachers too. 26:04 They'd send good reports home, John misbehaves a little bit 26:07 in class but boy he is a bright kid. 26:09 So I was getting praise all around, upper elementary 26:14 school the girls are attracted to me and I was attracted 26:16 to them so that is going okay. 26:19 The grades are still good, but parents are saying, 26:22 you have a lot of promise, a lot of potential, but down inside 26:25 something was very wrong. 26:27 Still with all that I don't fit, I'm an outsider. 26:31 It bothers me when I hear about self-esteem because that 26:34 wasn't really my problem. 26:35 I was an egomaniac with it inferiority complex. - ouch! 26:41 Do you understand what I'm saying? - no but tell me. 26:43 Part of me, I just can't go both places. 26:46 Well I can get so puffed up, I knew everything. 26:50 You cannot be angry and not think you know what everybody 26:53 else needs to know. 26:55 That's how or where the anger comes from. 26:57 I think I know what everybody else needs to do, right? 27:00 The fact that they don't do it bothers me so now 27:02 I'm angry at you, and the same goes for God, right? 27:05 I had to come to a place eventually in my life where 27:08 I realize there was a God and I wasn't it. 27:10 - it may not be me. 27:13 That had to happen at some point but it wasn't happening 27:15 then and I couldn't understand, but then it would swing 27:18 the other way and I would feel like I'm worthless. 27:21 I'm no good, I'm defective because even though I could 27:24 pull off those acts of egoism, I could play off that I'm 27:31 good, I'm intelligent, I'm able, smart and what ever. 27:36 I could play that role, but inside I knew that it wasn't 27:40 real, I knew I really don't have that. 27:44 There is something still really wrong with me. 27:46 I was afraid of people to the extent that, well I'll 27:51 fast-forward it so you can get an understanding of this. 27:53 When I was sober when I stopped drinking and I had to 27:56 live life without alcohol, I thought my neighbors were 28:01 watching me all the time. 28:02 Now I'm not paranoid, you'd never been able to diagnose 28:05 me as a paranoid schizophrenic or anything like that. 28:07 Because I could mask it I could deal with it. 28:10 But why am I feeling this way? 28:12 I couldn't understand that. 28:13 - you were so afraid. 28:15 So even as a kid I'm thinking everybody's watching me, 28:18 everything that I do, everything. 28:19 My clothes, my shoes, everything and they are all just 28:22 waiting until they can pounce on me and pick me apart. 28:25 And I just thought see there's the egomaniac, who am I 28:28 to think that everybody, anybody could care less about 28:32 what is going on with me. 28:33 People just don't have the time to care that much 28:36 about me, but I thought that they were, and I thought 28:38 it was all negative you know. 28:40 I thought when people gave me a compliment, 28:42 my parents included, they are saying that because 28:44 they feel sorry for me. 28:46 So you couldn't take it, it couldn't bring you any relief? 28:50 It didn't work, you can sit there and tell me all day 28:53 long how great you felt I was and I would think, they 28:56 feel so sorry for me and that is why they are doing this. 29:00 You know, they feel so sorry for me. 29:01 - then you would get angry? 29:03 Yeah, then I would be bitter about it. - exactly! 29:04 So you talk about when you sobered up, 29:08 when did the alcohol come in? 29:09 I started 16, I had actually made a decision to never 29:13 drink because I saw what it did to my mother. 29:14 She was also manic-depressive, bipolar I guess they call 29:19 it now, so we dealt with that even after the drinking. 29:22 I didn't see the drinking, but that seemed to be worse. 29:27 That actually had a greater toll on her life. 29:30 And the life of us around her. 29:33 I had an aunt that was bipolar, so when that does, when 29:37 that is on the table there is no warning when things go 29:41 up and down, and what really is the saddest thing, 29:44 I think, with people with bipolar, I don't have it so 29:46 I don't understand it fully, but you can look in 29:50 their eyes and know they have no control. 29:51 I don't want be this way, I don't want be manic right now, 29:55 I don't want to be depressed right now but 29:57 it is just what I am. This is just what I feel. 29:59 So the decision was made in my mind anyway that I was 30:03 never going to drink. 30:04 I watch my grandfather die of cirrhosis. 30:06 He manage to function his whole life. 30:08 Well back then they did really give you DUl's, he was wealthy 30:12 enough and affluent enough I guess in business life 30:16 when they pulled him over, they say we're going to take 30:19 you home Mr. Ruff because you shouldn't be driving right now. 30:22 But he never got into any real trouble. 30:24 So they didn't rough him up? 30:25 No he never got any real trouble as a result of it. 30:28 It was bad enough to watch. 30:30 I had an aunt who killed herself and the daughter of 30:34 that same aunt went through addiction problems too. 30:38 So I saw this as a child and said gee, that's simple 30:41 I'm just not going to drink. 30:42 I mean I was capable of fairly rational thought, 30:45 I wouldn't have been able to excel in school if 30:47 I didn't have that capacity. 30:49 As we'll see later, I couldn't really live up to my own 30:52 ideals, and that was really my problem. 30:54 Lack of power, I just don't have the power to do what 30:57 I know is right, same as the manic-depressive person. 31:00 They know the way I'm living isn't right, but what can 31:04 I do about it I'm helpless, right? 31:05 So anyway temptation comes and I'm wanting to bond with 31:09 my brother and He's drinking and I'm thinking 31:10 what an idiot, right, what a moron. 31:12 He brings 2-6 packs home to the house and says, 31:15 I'll put these in your van and later tonight we'll 31:19 each drink three right? 31:21 Then tomorrow night we will each drink three. 31:23 I'm thinking well you know what I thought he was an idiot, 31:26 but that is a pretty good plan. 31:27 That is what we set out to do and when I drink the first, 31:33 it was just a 12 ounce can. 31:35 I'd had a sip of beer or two when I was little but it didn't 31:40 do anything to me, but now it did. 31:44 All the feeling that was wrapped up in me, all that fear, 31:48 the paranoia, the what's going to happen to me in the future, 31:52 it all disappeared. - Wow! 31:54 I said, this is what's wrong with me and it was so clear 32:00 to me that my problem wasn't everything else, it was just 32:04 I needed alcohol and that was the solution. 32:08 - You had a beer deficiency? 32:09 Yes, I was chemically imbalanced and alcohol balanced 32:12 the problem so hey, everything is cool. 32:15 I just need to figure out how to make this work, 32:17 and drink at 16 years old, which doesn't works so good. 32:22 What's really interesting to me for a lot of people listening, 32:23 that don't have that kind of deficit, for a lot of 32:29 addicts that is the first thing that we felt. 32:31 The first time I took a Quaalude, 32:32 I didn't want to kill myself. 32:34 And it is, Oh my goodness, this is what works, 32:39 I feel like living. I feel like laughing. I'm okay. 32:42 The problem is I never felt that again. 32:45 - you never felt that again? 32:48 I never again felt like I did that night. 32:50 That euphoria diminished, it was gradual at first was 32:56 gradual and then, at some point, it fell off like a cliff. 32:58 The point at which it fell off a cliff was when I realized 33:02 that there was another way. 33:04 But that is a little in the future. 33:06 But in the present I just tried to manage to drink 33:09 whenever I could, I knew especially at that age, 33:12 you don't know when you are going to get to do it again 33:14 so you really, really do it not to mention the fact that 33:17 it did so much for me that I thought a little was good 33:21 more was better, that's common sense right? 33:25 so I really went off the deep end. 33:28 I really went off the deep end with it. 33:30 - at this point do your parents know yet? 33:32 They didn't know right away, I don't know when their 33:35 knowledge came, I do know that 18 years old my mom said 33:39 that I was probably an alcoholic. 33:40 So in two years, but looking back on it I know right now 33:44 that I was born with a tendency towards alcoholism if not an 33:49 alcoholic seeing how I had never drink. 33:51 Actually all make this comment too, I believe the 33:55 difference between my brother and I, because he is not 33:57 an alcoholic, he doesn't have a problem to this day. 34:01 He will take a half a beer and drink it and sit it 34:05 on the table and it will get hot during the day and 34:07 he'll throw it away. 34:08 People told me I abused alcohol, I'm thinking that's 34:11 alcohol abuse, what are you doing? 34:15 What did you spend your money for and leave it sit there 34:17 like that, somebody needs that. 34:19 So he is not like me in any way. - that's so funny. 34:26 We both were crazy as kids, we were both kids. 34:30 - He didn't have a bent towards alcoholism as you did? 34:33 Not at all, he didn't at all and I'm going to say this. 34:35 I'm not a doctor and I don't know anything about anything, 34:37 but I do know what happened to me in what happened to him 34:40 and what led up to that. 34:41 And it was this, my parents were not really hippies, 34:45 but they kind of played around if you know what I mean. 34:48 They had a wild exciting life I guess in their early 34:50 marriage, but they say you know what we want to have 34:53 a baby and were going to quit doing all this stuff 34:56 and we're going to have a baby. 34:57 And they did, they stopped everything and my mom 35:01 was pregnant with my brother and totally 35:03 clean through the birth. 35:05 Then they said we can relax and have some fun again, 35:08 but then I came. 35:10 - they were using during that time? 35:12 During, and who knows how long, three or four months and 35:16 this was back in 1969 when I was born. 35:18 So 68 she was pregnant with me and who knows how long it 35:22 took before she realized it. 35:23 Drinking and smoking cigarettes, I don't think anything 35:26 else so there you go. 35:28 Now I don't need any more evidence than that. 35:31 I don't even know anything else, I know that he turned 35:34 out one way and I do not hold my parents responsible, 35:37 I absolutely do not. 35:38 I just want to say this, I mean if you are playing around 35:41 that it does for ever change this child. 35:45 I work with people all the time that are dealing with 35:48 kids with ADD and all kinds of deficits that they have. 35:53 They are hyperactive and they have attachment disorders 35:56 and all that stuff. 35:57 I really have that sense too, that it really matters 36:00 what we put in our body during our pregnancies. 36:02 I just don't want to give the wrong message like I'm some kind 36:06 of authority on this issue. - I know you're not. 36:08 I just know my own experience. 36:10 Other than you have to live with it, you live it. 36:13 I am the result of it so. - put me in Chapter 4. 36:15 I do know something about it. 36:16 Anyway to fast-forward through that period I got really 36:20 into it and I chose lifestyle that allowed me to live 36:23 that way, I went into the entertainment industry. 36:25 People were pretty accepting of drinking on the job. 36:28 I needed that, I needed to be able to do that. 36:32 I did it for a long time, but eventually they tired of me also 36:36 Because you're alcoholism was interfering with your ability to 36:40 work? - To work, they put up with it to a point. 36:42 They even enabled to me, they said gee John we really 36:45 don't like you doing this, but there was no consequences. 36:47 I was the one who actually had to choose to come home 36:51 from Europe to go into my first rehab. 36:53 The only reason I got that idea was because some other 36:56 people on the same tour I was on said they had done it. 36:59 I looked at them and I said, man I sure don't want to 37:02 be like them, but I can't stay like I am anymore. 37:04 I just can't. - it was really killing you? 37:08 Yeah I broke down, I was so ashamed of myself, 37:11 so pitiful and so helpless and hopeless and 37:14 I didn't know what else to do. 37:16 But I was misguided because those two guys, neither one 37:20 of them told me anything about needing God or a 37:23 higher power or anything, they just said they went to 37:26 rehab and one of them painted watercolors and the other 37:29 guy got into his business. 37:31 I thought maybe that is what I need, a hobby. 37:34 Maybe I just need some thing to do. 37:36 So here's what I'm going to do when I get sober, 37:38 I will buy me a nice fancy red sports car and have me the 37:41 a woman or two or three or whatever and I will make 37:44 a lot of money and be happy. 37:45 - that's my hobby. 37:47 I just won't drink anymore and I will stay real busy doing 37:49 that stuff and by the time I got home that all changed. 37:53 I decided I don't want to go to rehab, not to stay in 37:58 there because I went thorough an evaluation, I thought these 38:01 people are crazy, like they need to be here, 38:04 but me I'm not so bad. 38:06 So I tried the outpatient and I drank and wrecked my car 38:10 and hid out for a couple of days. 38:12 Then my mom came and got me and I went in for inpatient. 38:16 I was drinking during the outpatient, drinking vodka on 38:19 the way to the place. 38:20 - because you couldn't smell vodka? 38:22 That's what I thought, and nobody said anything. 38:25 From another druggie I'm thinking I thought that too. 38:28 Nobody said anything, I'm going to rehab standing in the 38:31 circle singing songs and doing 38:33 all these wonderful things, and I am drunk. 38:35 Nobody said anything to me, hey John this works better if 38:39 you don't drink, nobody said anything. 38:40 Then I wrecked my car and I didn't show up for a couple 38:43 of days, so now they are worried. 38:45 So I checked myself in and said I'm going to do what 38:47 they say, I checked myself in and in two weeks into it 38:52 I made up my mind that now I know so much about the 38:54 inner workings of my mind, I know why I drink now. 38:59 I understand how not to drink, so much. 39:04 I didn't get that part, you couldn't drink at all. 39:07 Now I know how not to drink so much. 39:09 I asked them and said how you know for sure that 39:12 I'm really an alcoholic, maybe I'm just a heavy drinker 39:14 and if I just hold back? 39:16 They said we really don't know, we really can't say, 39:19 only you can say. 39:21 I said what is the percentages and they said 1 in a 1000, 39:24 they probably made that up. 39:25 I said well I think I'm that one. 39:27 So I had to try and I did. 39:30 My job kept me employed for the next six weeks. 39:33 You know it's funny because a lot of druggies are 39:36 alcoholics will come up with the same thing. 39:37 You know it is not so much the alcohol, it's just the 39:41 amount, the alcohol isn't causing this problem. 39:44 We will bargain in the first part of recovery, we will 39:47 just bargain like crazy, trying to still be able to at 39:50 least get some for our body because 39:53 we want to feel normal. 39:56 We want to feel not so twisted. 39:59 You see they probably was teaching the stuff but I wasn't 40:02 listening, how to go through this thing and feel normal. 40:07 I had learned about the 12 steps, and I learned I had to 40:10 surrender, but I didn't know how to do it really, and I 40:12 I didn't want to. 40:13 To put it frankly, I didn't want to surrender. 40:15 I believed in God and thought He would take me the way 40:18 I am and fix me if He wants to. 40:20 I will still be able to go on doing what I want to do. 40:23 I really wasn't interested in doing anything, I was just 40:26 interested in making you believe that I was doing it. 40:29 You see, so I'm still playing the same game I did all my 40:31 life because that's what I knew how to do. 40:33 This goes on and on and on for years, so at this point 40:38 life takes a turn for the worse. 40:40 Now I know that there is a way out, but I'm not willing 40:43 to do it, I was honest up to a point and said I do have 40:48 a problem and I need help. 40:49 But I am not open-minded enough to accept that your 40:52 solution is going to work for me because I'm still 40:54 different, they said yeah your unique. 40:58 I loved it, they said everybody is unique, great I'm 41:02 unique and that was wonderful for me because I thought that 41:06 it is fine that it works for all of you, this way of life you 41:08 have and you have God and He takes care of your problems. 41:10 You have faith and rely on Him, wonderful! 41:12 That is nice for you, but I'm different and so that is 41:15 not going to work for me. 41:16 God made me smart, and He made me this, and He made me 41:19 that and so I still know everything. 41:20 I know what I need to do to get what I want so I'll be 41:22 happy, so I don't have to trust God. 41:25 I don't have to rely on God, so that kept me sick for at 41:27 least five more years. 41:29 I was in and out, in and out, in and out. 41:31 - and God is just saying, John come back you don't have 41:35 to struggle, you don't have to be so tormented. 41:39 Yeah, and the door was opened in so many ways. 41:41 I tried different 12 step groups, I tried standing on my 41:44 head doing yoga, I tried all kinds of self-help 41:46 shenanigans, I mean I tried everything. 41:50 When I finally got to the place where I said, you know what, 41:53 I can't do this anymore. 41:54 I absolutely have to have Your help. 41:58 I am willing to do whatever, whatever You want me to do. 42:02 I didn't like with His solution was. 42:03 - what was it? 42:04 It was to go to AA. - and actually commit? 42:10 I need to clarify this. I went to AA and I quit. 42:14 I got involved in the church, my dad recommended me to 42:17 this church, and I did it. 42:18 I went to Bible studies and did all kinds of stuff and 42:20 got baptized, I came here got this job and thought okay 42:22 I'm doing what God wants me to do. 42:24 Life should be great and I was still as crazy as I was 42:27 when I was three years old. I couldn't figure out why. 42:30 I'm doing everything y'all told me to do this, to do this, 42:33 this, this, and this in I'm doing at all. 42:35 I'm like I'm nuts, I just can't stand it. 42:39 People could see it because it was so obvious. 42:41 This guy, what are we going to do with him? 42:43 Nobody would really say that to me, but if I cornered 42:47 somebody and say what am I supposed to do? 42:49 They said well we see that you are angry and see that you 42:52 are not really happy, but we want to help you, 42:54 but they didn't know what to do. 42:55 So I end up in rehab again and I'm like God, what do You 43:00 want me to do, I think I have done everything I know how 43:03 to do, what He really wanted, I believe, His purpose for 43:07 me was to be put into position where I could be most 43:10 effective to help other alcoholics. 43:12 But also the S. Word has to come off, to surrender. 43:18 Surrender yeah, oh man which S. Word is that? 43:21 That is a bad word, to me when they first said surrender 43:25 I don't even know what that means, surrender what? 43:27 I may know who I am and you're asking me to surrender. 43:29 He was like, I want you to surrender everything to Me. 43:32 Really trust that I am going to put you where you will 43:34 most be healed and most help someone else. 43:37 That is what you are saying, is that you really had to 43:39 learn what is the process of healing. 43:44 I really had to be willing to do what God wanted me 43:46 to do and quit second guessing it. 43:48 So He was looking for that surrender, and He was looking 43:51 for an open mind, are you willing? 43:53 Are you open-minded and willing enough to do what I put 43:56 in front of you, and that was the thing that up until that 43:59 point I wasn't willing to do that. 44:01 What is really going to be hard for me right now, 44:04 is I know we have questions out here, but I also know 44:06 I want to hear, in a nutshell the process that He took 44:11 you through as you surrendered, as you stood back up, 44:15 as you really got an understanding that I'm going to 44:20 step out of this addiction, out of this craziness. 44:23 Not that we ever totally step out of it, until Christ comes 44:26 back I think that we all will have something that we 44:29 will have to lean on Him with. 44:31 Tell me the process, what things He had you understand or do? 44:35 I didn't know everything, that was the big thing. 44:39 - that was huge. - that was hard for me because 44:41 I thought I had studied and learned and I do and I know 44:43 Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. 44:45 Yeah what I don't know just give me a book and I'll study. 44:47 I'll figure it out, you know. 44:48 What I had to accept was that God had a plan and 44:50 I did not have to know what it was. 44:52 That was the hardest thing for me. 44:54 To surrender, but there was a power outside of me that 44:57 I didn't know anything about, just accepting that 45:01 simple fact, it didn't matter I knew a lot of stuff 45:03 that was in the Bible. 45:04 It didn't matter because that knowledge didn't save me. 45:07 The knowledge of my brain and how it worked, the synapses 45:11 and how alcohol reacted, that didn't stop me from 45:14 drinking again, even though I knew that it might mean 45:16 that I would kill myself, do you think I cared? 45:18 I was looking for a way out, I couldn't do it by 45:21 my own hand but knew if I drank too much and happen to 45:24 die that was not really my fault, was it? 45:26 Maybe they put a little more alcohol in that bottle or 45:28 something, so I didn't really commit suicide. 45:31 So I was hoping for a way out, but God, I heard this 45:35 a long time ago and I don't know where. 45:37 God moves with the gentlest hand possible. 45:39 Those 5 years of torture was the easiest they could have 45:44 been, I could look at them as that was hard. 45:46 But I'm thinking it couldn't have been any easier 45:49 or wouldn't have gotten it. 45:50 - right, because God really wants is to get it because 45:53 He doesn't want us to be in torment. 45:55 Right, it couldn't have been any easier for me. 45:57 The moment I made up my mind that I was going to allow 46:00 God to do something with my life, and just let Him lead. 46:04 Did I do everything perfectly from that moment forward? 46:07 Absolutely not. - so you recognize when Paul says, 46:10 I can't believe the struggle I have, who's going to 46:14 save me and to me when somebody reads that easily 46:17 I think, he didn't even say it easily, he struggled. 46:21 I want to do what is right and I don't seem like I can. 46:24 I did, and I thought how can I help people, 46:27 I don't even like people, really, I sat in a room full 46:32 of people and I know that's where I'm supposed to be. 46:36 I know I'm supposed to get what they have and I am 46:39 supposed to be able to pass it on to other people. 46:42 But I can't even stand being here with these people. 46:44 How am I supposed to ever do this? 46:46 - so how did He? - it happened very slowly. 46:50 I followed minute by minute one suggestion after another. 46:54 He'd say, talk to somebody. I don't want to talk to 46:56 anybody, well do it anyway. 46:58 - it doesn't happen overnight. 46:59 They said I had to act as if, I acted as if all my life. 47:02 I said oh, I can't do that because I'll be a hypocrite 47:04 then, that's what I can't stand about people is that 47:07 they are hypocrites, right? 47:09 Now you're asking me to be one again. 47:11 I'm supposed to get away from that, but they said trust 47:14 God, trust His process and you'll get it. 47:17 So I did, I said God I do not know what else to do. 47:19 I'm going to try it, and so that is the thing. 47:22 Everybody, I guess I heard all my life, all you have to 47:25 do is just believe and have faith that God will do it. 47:28 I didn't have that, I'm sorry, I hate to disappoint 47:31 everybody, but I didn't believe it. 47:33 I didn't believe that He was going to do it for me. 47:35 I thought I had done too much wrong, I thought 47:38 I had turned my back on In too many times and that 47:40 There was no way I was going to believe it 47:43 until He did something. 47:44 There is the mustard seed, right? 47:46 I said I got nowhere else to go, I think I'll try. 47:49 So I take one little step and say, okay God, 47:52 I don't have the answer what do I do? 47:54 I'd do something, I'd talk to somebody, or call 47:57 somebody on the phone and say how are you doing? 48:00 Then I would feel better and I'd say I don't know why 48:04 this is working, this is stupid but I would do 48:07 something more, I'd do something more. 48:10 They would tell me to write out all the anger issues 48:13 I had in my life and I wrote a big long list of all that. 48:15 I thought how is this going to help me? 48:17 I'm just reliving the past and I've done that enough. 48:19 But I found that it did point out some issues in my 48:21 character that needed to be taken care of. 48:24 No matter how much I asked God to fix me God, fix me God 48:27 He wasn't going to fix what was wrong with me until 48:30 I identified what it was and specify, hey God, 48:34 I want You to take this dishonesty from me. 48:37 I want You to take this spirit of anger from me. 48:41 I want You to take this self-centered attitude that 48:44 I'm the center of the universe from me. 48:45 I had to identify those things specifically or 48:48 He couldn't, it was like He was handcuffed. 48:51 I want to help you John, but I can't because you are 48:54 not working - you're hanging onto those things tightly. 48:57 Yeah, you talk about coming in with baggage, 48:59 I'm still carrying some around. 49:01 I am ashamed to admit that, I'll sit here and say hey, 49:04 I'm not perfect, right? I'm not proud of that fact. 49:07 But I can't accept the fact that I am not perfect. 49:11 The easier it is for me to do that, to accept that, 49:15 and to admit it, then the easier it becomes to say, 49:18 here it is God, I'll let go. 49:20 - Here it is, take it away. 49:27 Because I am also in recovery, I feel like when 49:31 I really started to look at when God felt like I was 49:34 strong enough I could look at some of those character 49:37 defects, at first I was ashamed, at first I was afraid 49:40 and I wanted to say God, just take them. 49:43 He does, and I am thinking how amazing is that? 49:47 He'll wait for us for a hundred years if He has to. 49:50 Or we can do it on day one. 49:52 I'm thinking why did it take me 26 years, because He 49:55 would have said on day one I would have done this had 49:58 you been able to hand it to Me. 50:00 I know I'm hardheaded and I know the Lord had given the 50:03 opportunities when I was young, before I even drank 50:06 God was working with me, and He gave me ways out. 50:09 I could have chose another life, I know this for a fact 50:12 that God didn't say, John is going to have 50:14 to go through this. 50:16 I know I could have chosen another life because 50:18 I can see those turning points in my past. 50:20 When I go home at night I have a mirror that has 50:23 a thing on it, it's a clear piece of plastic and 50:26 it says, you're looking at the problem. 50:28 It's in white letters. I have to know that. 50:30 I have to be reminded of that every day. 50:33 In my morning devotion and in the evening I thank God 50:35 for the day that He has giving me and the opportunity 50:38 to see what is wrong with me, and then the opportunity 50:41 He has to fix me. 50:43 So the other thing that is apparently an issue to, or 50:46 the healing thing is that morning and evening devotions? 50:50 Absolutely, absolutely for me it is imperative that 50:53 I know where I came from and that I know were I am. 50:57 Also that I am continuing on a journey. 51:01 - that I know who God is. 51:02 To know who God is and I need to know that He is not done 51:05 with me and that I haven't arrived anywhere. 51:08 I've gotten through some big things in my life, 51:11 but I know that I'm not where God would have me to be. 51:14 The journey is awesome. - the journey is awesome. 51:16 We don't have a lot of time for questions but at least 51:18 get one, Irma do you have a question? 51:20 Cheri, this program is really awesome and we have touched 51:24 so many points and some of them have really touched me in 51:29 my own life and it's hard for me to find a real question 51:33 because you have said so much. 51:36 But one of the things I really see, and I kept hearing is 51:42 the fear, it seems like that perhaps with you because you 51:48 started so much younger, but was fear also for you. 51:53 The catalyst for your behaviors. 51:57 That is a great comment or question because fear for me, 52:03 when you started to pretend you were someone else, 52:06 is that I could disassociate anything or anybody but 52:10 myself, is if I was in a situation, especially when 52:13 I got on the streets and was homeless. 52:15 I could be anything else, I looked very confident and 52:18 very comfortable in my own skin, but what if you asked me 52:21 to be myself I would have no idea what you were talking 52:23 about, and that's where the fear would come. 52:26 I was so afraid that somebody would really find out who I am 52:30 and then they would know I was a fraud in every other way. 52:34 It sounded like you were saying the same thing. 52:37 Yeah, if you knew why really was, you wouldn't like me. 52:40 That's what we think, that's a lie. 52:42 That's it. - what's interesting is when God has over 52:47 the years convinced me, that normal is over rated, 52:51 that everyone has such a unique gift to give of themselves 52:56 and that we will not be the same. 52:58 I don't have to be the same as you. 53:00 I may have some goofy things about me, but you know what? 53:04 I think you will like me anyway. 53:05 I never felt that way before. 53:07 I have a little poster I have of snowflakes, it says, 53:13 uniqueness, your unique just like everybody else. 53:19 We're all unique. 53:20 We are coming to a close on the show. 53:23 What do you want people to walk away with when 53:26 they hear your story and your journey? 53:28 No matter where you think you are, you absolutely have 53:31 access to the power that can only come from God. 53:35 I don't care how defeated you think you are, if you can 53:38 just bring yourself to the willingness, to have the 53:42 willingness to reach outside of yourself. 53:44 It wasn't important for me to know who God was, 53:47 where He came from, the history behind it. 53:50 The only thing that was important was to know that I 53:52 needed something, I needed to reach for something outside 53:56 of myself and as soon as I did that things happened. 53:59 There is a God and He cares about me. 54:02 He cares about me, He loves me. - restored me to sanity! 54:04 Exactly, and I needed that. 54:08 Me too! John I loved having you on the show and I thank 54:10 you so much, so much. - It's been wonderful, thank you. 54:13 If you're watching this show and you feel that you 54:16 understand what it feels like not fit in, or not to be 54:19 normal, have genetic things that are just who you are. 54:23 Just what you have to walk around with, know that 54:26 God is bigger than those things. 54:29 When they told me I had detachments disorders, bondage 54:32 disorders in nursing school that was just crazy stuff. 54:35 You don't get well from that and God just said, shut 54:38 the book because I want to tell you I am bigger than 54:40 that and I can restore all that to you. 54:43 I can make you well and there are things I have to walk 54:46 around with, I'm sure John the same, is walk around with 54:49 trying to figure out how to act here or how to be this or 54:52 whatever, but as soon as we surrender it to God and know 54:56 that God loves me and that I am an adopted child in the 55:00 kingdom and He absolutely loves me and I can start 55:03 feeling that it is okay that I am a little quirky. 55:07 I actually have friends that say, that's what I love 55:10 about you and the very things I hid all my life I have 55:13 people saying, that it's my favorite part of you. 55:16 I think how funny is that? 55:18 God can turn something I hid all my life into 55:20 their favorite part. 55:22 We will be right back, stay tuned don't go away, 55:25 we will be right back. 55:30 Cheri Peters uses the book, 'Coming Of The Comforter' 55:33 as a guide for the second season of Celebrating Life In 55:36 Recovery, written by Lee Roy E. Froom is a 320 page book 55:40 that offers every sinner the knowledge that the 55:42 Holy Spirit is available to all. 55:44 3ABN now offers this book to you for a suggested donation 55:48 of only $13 postpaid within the US. 55:51 Call 3ABN at 618-627-4651 or go online to 3ABN.org. 56:11 You know I have gotten a lot of things in my own recovery 56:14 to help me be on this journey. 56:15 One of them is this quick reference, a spiritual reference 56:19 book and there is tons of them in any Christian bookstore. 56:22 This when you can open it up and it will say whatever 56:25 you are dealing with whether it is anger, drug addiction, 56:28 drinking, or whatever will take you to where 56:30 the Bible talks about it. 56:32 I'm going to take you to some I found in our devotions today. 56:36 One of them says I'd say Isaiah 44:22, 23 I'm going to do 56:39 just 22, "I have swept away your offenses like a cloud 56:43 your sins like the morning mist, returned to me for 56:47 I have redeemed you, sing for joy, shout to God". 56:53 The whole book is just full of these things. 56:56 One of the areas in sanctification talks about, 56:59 sanctification is when I turn it over to God and He grows 57:02 me everyday, how He gives me a sense of myself and its 57:06 says in Psalms 1:19 "I have hidden your word in my heart 57:09 that I may not sin against you. " 57:10 We don't know how to live a good life for what sin is 57:14 unless we start paying attention to what the Word of God 57:17 says, so jump into that. 57:18 It is absolutely important to understand what the Bible 57:22 says, what God says, who He is, and that stuff. 57:25 Not who He is as far as doctrinal things, that is all in 57:28 another show, some body hosts that altogether. 57:30 I'm talking about who God is in a relational sense so that 57:33 you know you are forgiven. 57:35 If you don't mind I know there is people out there that 57:39 are trying to come to grips with God that is amazing 57:42 and He will heal you I want to have a quick prayer 57:45 before we end. 57:47 Father I just pray for You to touch us, change us, let us 57:51 know how much You love us and let us know that we are 57:55 adopted, let us know that Your Holy Spirit will so fill and 57:57 guide us so we don't have to be afraid anymore and I thank 58:00 you for anybody listening to this, just pray that you'll 58:03 put your healing hand on them and I thank you for 58:05 that in Jesus name. 58:07 You know when you are struggling with these things, get on 58:10 your knees, stand up and shout however you pray but just 58:14 ask God for His Holy Spirit to heal you. 58:17 Ask Him to give you a life that you will just shout for 58:20 joy about until we see you next time always remember that 58:23 God is crazy about you and me too. |
Revised 2014-12-17