Participants: Cheri Peters (Host), Annette Washington, Pam Talley
Series Code: CLR
Program Code: CLR000102B
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00:01 The following program discusses sensitive issues
00:03 related to addictive behavior. 00:05 Parents are cautioned that some material 00:06 may be too candid for younger children. 00:15 Welcome back. 00:16 I want to--for people that just tuned in, 00:19 we're talking about "Grandparent as Parents." 00:21 So what does that look like, 00:23 what are the needs to help prevalent this. 00:25 We're just looking at all this. 00:26 But on this segment I want to introduce you to Annette. 00:29 And we're gonna talk about your story, 00:31 because you're raising you grandparents-- 00:33 I mean your grandchildren. 00:35 Yes. Okay. 00:36 So talk about your name and where did you come from? 00:38 Who are you? 00:40 Hi. My name is Annette Washington. 00:41 I'm from Saint Louis and I'm a grandmother of 19. 00:48 Nineteen. But I'm raising five. 00:51 And when you talk about five, because we talked earlier, 00:53 they're not from the same family. 00:56 No. Okay. 00:57 Two sister's kids. Okay. 01:00 And so tell us a little bit about your journey, your family, 01:07 your upbringing and then we'll get into 01:11 how you got to were you accepted. 01:13 You're now with your sister's kid, 01:14 raising your sister's kids. 01:15 Well, I mean, I guess you mean, like my mom-- 01:19 Yeah, sisters, brothers you have-- 01:22 Now it's a five girls, five girls now. 01:28 It was a seven-- total seven kids. 01:33 I lost a brother some years ago. Okay. 01:39 He was the only boy and I lost a sister 01:42 to diabetes about 3 years ago. 01:47 Okay. And so when did you first-- 01:51 do you have your own children? 01:53 Oh, yes. I have four girls and two boys. 01:59 So you have a big family. Oh, yes. I love kids. 02:02 Okay. All right. 02:03 So my eldest is 36 and my baby is 28 02:09 and actually I am raising two youngest girl kids. 02:13 And so when--when you have your own children, 02:16 because I am thinking about the grandparents as parents, 02:18 so when you had your own children, 02:20 they were a point where they're-- 02:21 they're leaving the house 02:23 and you're kind of thinking on your own. 02:26 Would did you ever had that time? 02:32 Not really. Well, my baby, 02:38 I mean, the other kids were grown and left, 02:41 I mean, she pretty much stuck up on to me. 02:45 Okay. I mean she was true mama's baby. 02:49 But eventually, she left, 02:53 moved out, but she came back so-- 02:57 Okay. And then how did you-- 02:59 when did your first grandchildren 03:01 come to live with you? 03:02 And why was that? 03:04 The first one was Jasmine, she's a teen, 03:08 so--first really got home when she was 9 months old 03:14 'cause my daughter got into some trouble, 03:18 so--I end up with her, so-- 03:22 At nine months, so you-- Nine months. 03:24 She's been with you a long time. 03:25 Basically, yes, yes, yes, over long, yes. 03:29 And, you know, my daughter 03:31 kept having issues and issues, 03:34 so I mean I just kept her--I mean, 03:38 at one time moved her and her mom there, but so-- 03:43 And so when Pamela was talking about, 03:46 you know, everything kind of changes 03:47 and you just do the best you can, 03:49 financially and in every kind of way. 03:51 Yep, yes. Oh, yes. 03:53 I mean it's my, 6-year-old, her name is Jaira. 03:58 I got her when she was three days old. 04:02 I actually went to the hospital and got her 04:04 because my daughter had got into some trouble, 04:08 so I joggled to the prison hospital and got her. 04:12 So she had her right in prison. Yes. 04:15 Okay. And so you took her right from prison to your house. 04:17 Yes, I did. 04:18 You know, what I want to say, 04:20 thank God for grandmother. 04:22 That's what I wanted to say. Yes. 04:23 Because you know what was really interesting 04:25 is she could have been taken anywhere, 04:27 but she was taken to your house 04:29 and you were there saying, 04:32 you know, "This is what I got to do." 04:34 Oh, yes. And--I mean I have a good family support system 04:40 because at the time, actually, I was living in Chicago. 04:44 I had to drive from Chicago to Saint Louis, Mexico Zoo, 04:50 to pick her up because they only gave me 04:54 three days to get there-- so as I. 04:58 And if you weren't there in three days, 04:59 what would have happened? 05:00 They're gonna turn over to the state. 05:02 Right. And so-- 05:04 And that's what people need to hear is that-- 05:07 there is a lot of grandparents have said, 05:09 you know, "If I don't step in, 05:12 I have no idea where this child of mine--" 05:14 Right. 05:15 "This--my grandbaby is gonna end up, 05:17 so I have to step in." 05:19 Right. I mean because that would have really, 05:21 wherever it means, okay, where is my grandbaby? 05:25 Who's getting my grandbaby? 05:26 And actually this-- I got her brother, he's eight. 05:32 I got a phone call in the middle of the night and you know-- 05:36 you know, how you just get a frantic phone call, 05:39 you know--you know, something is wrong. 05:41 It was like 11:30 or so. 05:43 Before they could finish the conversation. 05:45 I say, "you have my daughter, don't you?" 05:49 So they say, "Yes, ma'am." 05:50 So they say, we have your grandson 05:53 and then he was eight months old. 05:55 So, they said, they have run a background check 06:01 on his dad already and his dad, couldn't get him. 06:05 So be-- before she got a chance to 06:07 for the counsel that how we address. 06:09 I'll be right there. Exactly. Right, right. 06:12 So she said "Ma'am, just, calm down, just calm down. 06:17 We have to run a background check on-- 06:22 you before you get your grandson." 06:23 I said what? So she said yes. 06:25 I say "okay, do it." 06:27 So by the time she called me back, 06:29 it took like a hour or so for her to call me back 06:33 but when she called me back I was just in the car. 06:37 Right. 06:39 So--so she said we're gonna give you 06:41 till 4:30 to make it to 4:10. 06:45 I was coming from South city Saint Louis 06:49 and drive it at 4:10 to get him. 06:53 Wow. And so-- what you're saying is that, 06:55 you know, there is each of these children, 06:58 you really said, "I have no choice." 07:00 Right. 07:02 "I--so I have to go and pick them up, 07:04 I have to bring them. 07:05 I have to make it work." Yes. 07:07 Did you know how it's gonna work? 07:08 No, I wouldn't worry about that then. 07:10 Yeah. You know--I mean. 07:11 Who what? Right. 07:13 When I--they, you know, 07:17 so it was, I can't worry about that. 07:19 I mean somehow I'd to give, I mean, 07:23 those are my babies, I mean. 07:24 Amen. So, you know, to me when you say that 07:27 "I couldn't worry about that." 07:29 You know, do you wish 07:30 the whole world could hear that statement? 07:32 Yeah, I mean because-- 07:33 If someone could help us, that would be great. 07:36 But I can't worry about that. 07:38 Yeah, and I mean I have been blessed. 07:42 I mean they've never been in the system. 07:46 So I mean it's--and that's some of the problem now, 07:50 they don't want to help you unless 07:52 they've been in the system, so it's kind of... 07:56 And if they go into the system, there's gonna be 07:58 a whole another set of emotional behavioral problems. 08:00 Exactly, exactly. 08:02 And you're saying "I don't want 08:03 my grandchildren to feel that, to know that." 08:05 Right, right. I mean-- But the funds are tied to that. 08:09 Right. 08:10 Okay, but my issue with that is, 08:14 if you take them and put them in the system 08:16 and I come get him from the system. 08:18 You still will have to take care of them. 08:22 I mean so why not just give me the money 08:24 now versus take me through all it. 08:27 And you're not talking about money. 08:30 And said, yeah, I want to be rich. 08:32 You're talking about food and healthcare. 08:34 Believe me, you won't get much offered. 08:36 Yeah. Well, you know what, 08:37 I think that when somebody says that, 08:40 you know, we're talking basic necessities, 08:42 we're not talking about, you know, extra stuff, 08:45 money in your pocket kind of thing. 08:47 There will never be extra, never. 08:50 And that--but I, you know, 08:51 I think the reason I want to say that out loud 08:52 as I think some people have the misconception 08:55 that it's not a need. 08:58 This is a huge need. 08:59 Some of these kids are-- like I have met 09:01 some of these children that are just the most beautiful kids. 09:05 And they really are being loved on in. 09:07 You know, they're doing well in school 09:09 and they're being sent off 09:10 and everybody is doing the right thing. 09:13 But sometimes the utilities aren't being paid. Right. 09:15 You know, and so that's you're talking basic, basic stuff. 09:19 Yeah, I mean, yeah, because, it's like, 09:22 you know, you have to feed the kids. 09:26 I mean it's like sometimes you face a choice of 09:31 drop at the gas, or drop at the grocery. 09:33 Can I take $200 of the gas, 09:36 and I hope they don't turn the gas off. 09:38 I mean, I have been there. Yeah. 09:41 And what's really tough about that too is I know that for-- 09:45 and I don't know about you but for a lot of people 09:47 that's hard to even say out loud. 09:49 Yes. And yet you need someone to hear that. 09:53 It is, I mean, I had to go through a whole lot, 09:59 even when oldest one Jas, I want to sign her 10:02 up for a school, pre-school, 10:05 you know, the first thing that you hear, "Where's the mom? 10:09 Where's the mom?" I am the mom. 10:12 You know, I am the mom. 10:13 So and so in the end, I had to call to the prison there. 10:19 Have my daughter Simi notarize a letter. 10:23 So that you can get her in school. 10:24 Yeah, to give me guardianship of her 10:27 and to get her in a school. 10:29 And so--you know, to me all of that, 10:31 all of that stuff and you're talking about those 10:33 the three youngest ones, you've had pretty much since-- 10:36 But you have two more now. Yes. 10:39 And when did you get them and what was the circumstances? 10:43 November last year, my daughter was murdered. 10:51 She was shot. I'm so sorry. 10:55 Thank you. She would have been 30 St. Patrick's Day. 11:01 But she was shot. 11:04 And this is a random thing. It wasn't that she was doing. 11:08 No, no. She wasn't-- 11:11 actually, her and her friend had went out 11:15 and they stopped there at this after hours club 11:19 and my daughter friend, she had altercation with someone 11:25 and lady, she had altercation with, 11:28 she left and when, no-- 11:31 her friend left and when they got to go 11:34 and came start shooting her. 11:37 And so you, not only that tragedy 11:39 and that when you told me this earlier, 11:41 I thought, you know, not only that tragedy 11:43 but then you got your daughter's two children 11:46 which are preteens. Yes. 11:48 Dealing with their loss, dealing with your loss 11:52 and having five kids to raise with all of that financial stuff 11:56 and I looked to you and I think you know what? 11:58 I bet, you haven't even had time to take a breath hardly. 12:01 No. Far or less grieve this. 12:04 And I just tell them all time I know, 12:11 grandma, first but yes, bare with me and just-- 12:16 We'll get through this-- 12:17 Yes, yes, but they know, they just say 12:20 "Oh, she just fussing now". 12:23 But, you know, they know because they are my world, 12:27 they are what I live and breathe for, I mean-- 12:29 And you got them into counseling. 12:31 You're doing the best you can 12:33 with the limited resources that you have. 12:35 Yes, we've limited. Right. 12:37 And there is--and I just want to say this again 12:39 'cause Pamela had talked about this earlier. 12:40 There is really no place where you can go and say, 12:43 "Can you help us with these funds?" 12:47 With the counseling, did you get 12:48 any victims funds for the counseling? 12:51 Well, actually the victim of crime 12:56 is paying for the counseling. Okay, good. 12:58 They say they have a limit of $2,500 pay for a counseling 13:06 which is fine because I mean, 13:08 I think there are two angry kids. 13:13 You know, they are male, 13:14 I mean, they are angry, I mean, right, 13:17 I mean, it's like they all know what to do 13:22 and I mean, you know, I just tell them every day, 13:26 "Grandma's here as long--work out-- 13:29 it's gonna be all right." 13:31 And I just want to say for all-- 13:34 some kids in that same circumstances 13:36 would be than have put in foster care 13:38 with people they don't even know. Right. 13:40 The fact that they can look at a family member. 13:43 Right, right, you know, I just, 13:45 I mean, I have to take care of them. 13:49 I mean, they got me, 13:51 you know, I mean, I don't-- 13:53 I mean, I couldn't even function knowing 13:56 that somebody else will have to take care. 13:59 I mean, I couldn't even function, 14:01 I mean, yeah, doing without them, 14:04 I mean, I need some money firstly, 14:06 I mean, I need somebody to talk to, I mean. 14:12 And, you know, my three young's one, you would, 14:16 I mean, just by talking to them, 14:20 you can tell that an older person is raising them. 14:23 I mean, I had to teach them 14:24 how they get on a bus and for tram, 14:28 I mean, look for the number 10 bus-- 14:31 So they have learned that right from the time they were little. 14:34 They know. Yeah. 14:36 They know. Yeah. 14:38 And so-- and this is a question 14:42 that probably you don't ask yourself much. 14:45 But what about you? 14:47 I mean, no, I mean I don't actually myself, 14:50 I mean, my daughter asks me all the time. 14:52 she says, "Mommy, you got to take care of you, 14:54 I mean, but who's gonna take care of them?" 14:56 I mean-- Right. 14:58 I enjoy taking care of them. 15:00 If I had to do over again, I would do it over. 15:02 Right. But I mean-- 15:04 But do you have to kind of fight 15:09 for that decision that you made? 15:10 Do you have to make so that your other kids know 15:13 that you're okay with the decision 15:16 that you've made that this is what I have to do? 15:19 Does anybody say, you know what, 15:20 that's enabling and you shouldn't do this? 15:23 You know, you know, actually I've had 15:26 couple of people say that, well, you know, and they, 15:30 "You got three already, how're you gonna do five?" 15:35 Just like I deal with three. 15:38 Exactly, you don't even ask yourself that, 15:40 how could I ask myself that. 15:42 Yeah, it's like when--okay, if I had one slice of bread, 15:47 well, cut down to six. 15:49 I mean six slice of bread, 15:51 I mean, I just I can't think about that, 15:54 I mean, because I would waste time to think about it 15:59 and I mean I just can't worry about that. 16:01 I mean I don't even-- I don't even-- 16:04 It's not even an option-- No. 16:05 To think about that? No. 16:07 So when did you find out about "Grandparents as Parents" 16:10 that organization and how did you get involved in that one? 16:13 There's a funny story. 16:16 Me and three young's one, 16:19 we was in a grocery store, shopping. 16:21 You know, I tell them, 16:24 okay, look for something that's on sale. 16:27 In the papers I get the coupons so-- 16:31 So they learned to do that young? 16:33 They know. Yes. 16:35 So, we was in the store and a lady was in front of us. 16:40 And she really stopped doing what she was doing, 16:45 looked back at us, 16:46 I mean, at first I was wondering 16:48 what she looking at, you know? 16:50 But it--she said, "Are those your grandkids?" 16:54 I said, "Aha, yes." 16:56 She said, "They are so amenable. 16:58 I see, they know it, 17:00 I mean, they know how to act, you know." 17:02 She said, "I am just so--" 17:05 What I--so each of them had coupons to give you 17:08 and so she was hearing that. Yeah. 17:10 The whole conversation. Yeah. 17:12 And she was because-- 17:14 they know, you know, at the time it was four of us, 17:18 so they know to get four bananas, 17:23 four oranges, four apples, so-- 17:25 And everybody gets one. Yeah. Yes. 17:28 And so she was saying to you, 17:30 "That's pretty amazing to watch." 17:31 Yes. And actually she gave me her sister's number Pam tallied 17:38 her number and was telling me, 17:40 you know, they-- she may be able to help me 17:44 and able to-- so I called her. 17:46 Exactly. So I mean, and they've been helping me since then. 17:50 It's been a few years now. 17:53 Okay, one thing that I know is that 17:56 now you're also helping them. Oh, yes. 17:58 So, you know, so it's interesting to me 18:02 that not only did you call to get support 18:06 and find out what they are doing 18:07 and all that kind of stuff, but then you said to Pam, 18:10 what can I do to help you guys? 18:12 And so do you work in the office? 18:13 Do you volunteer with that organization now? 18:17 Yes, I do. I mean, I earn-- 18:20 and I mean, I really like my job. 18:23 I mean, you think I was making $40 an hour 18:29 but because I get there on the bus. 18:34 I mean, I like it, I mean, it's not all about the money. 18:38 I mean, Pam is really teaching me different skills 18:43 'cause I knew nothing about computers. 18:46 Right. Now I do. 18:48 Right. You know, I am learning. 18:49 And to work in an organization 18:53 that gives grandparents a voice, that's got to feel good? 18:56 Oh yes. Yes. 18:57 I mean because I am walking in those shoes. 19:01 I mean, I was 47 years old 19:04 banned for pull ups and vibes, I mean, I-- 19:08 There's something so not right about that 19:10 but, you know, you do what you do. 19:13 Yeah, and I think that my kids were just was worried 19:17 because of my health issues. 19:20 I mean, I've had like 19:25 10 surgeries since '04. 19:29 I am on my second pacemaker 19:32 and I have a form of leukemia but God is good. 19:39 I mean, I just ask God to give me my sight, 19:44 sense and strength enough to see 19:46 these kids till they get grown. 19:47 Exactly, and that's what a lot of grandparents 19:50 throughout the country are asking us 19:52 who're raising their grandbabies is that 19:54 I can't even slow down 19:55 to look at what's happening with me physically 19:58 because there's a need that has to happen out here. Right. 20:00 And I have to say we're gonna open it up for questions 20:04 but I have to just say to you is that God blessed you 20:07 for making that decision. 20:09 And I really understand the fact 20:11 that I will have time to look at all these other stuff 20:14 whether we can afford it or not, 20:15 whether I am well or not, 20:17 whether, you know, I need another surgery or not, 20:19 is that who is going to take care of this. 20:22 And that's the voice of a lot of grandparents right now. 20:24 And that's what your organization is trying 20:28 to find out as what is the need 20:29 and how can we meet that need. 20:30 Yeah, I mean, it's like you see 20:34 so many grandparents raising grandkids, 20:38 you know, it's not a black issue, 20:40 it's not a white issue. I mean it's a-- 20:44 It's not an economy issue. 20:45 Right, right. It's a issue. 20:46 I mean I've seen grandparents younger than me, 20:52 you know, carrying their grandkids to school. 20:55 I mean, I was 47-years-old taking my baby to preschool 21:00 so I had to do it, I mean-- 21:05 You do what you have to do. Yes. 21:06 We're gonna open it up for questions right now. 21:08 So--and I know that there's few people in the cafe right now 21:14 that have been raised by grandparents 21:16 and have that same-- those same kind of issues. 21:19 And so I'd like to stay on that topic 21:22 and Pam, I am gonna bring you up after the break. 21:27 And so you can kind of close it for us. Okay. 21:30 And you know the first person, Ronald, do you had the-- 21:33 you had a comment that 21:35 I thought was really interesting, 21:36 so go ahead and share with us. 21:39 Well, I'm a layman and my experience in life 21:46 sort of fits into what you've been talking about. 21:50 As a child, I was born but I never knew my father. 21:56 He left my mother before I was born. 22:00 And so I grew up living with my grandmother and my mother 22:06 and both of them had to work. 22:09 So they send me out to somebody when they went to work 22:13 and then I came home when they came home. 22:17 But then when I started to go to school, 22:23 I would leave with my mother 22:26 and take a bus into the Lancaster 22:31 and then the bus out to Grand Duo Heights 22:35 because that's where my aunt 22:36 want to me to go to school, a new school. 22:40 But it was on the other side of the Lancaster. 22:43 And then my mother, when she came back 22:47 from work at a watch factory, 22:50 she would come and get me and then we go home on a bus. 22:55 And before that though when she was working, 22:59 when she would go to work, 23:01 we can go up and then to Willow street 23:05 and then she dropped me off at an army--not an army, 23:08 Mennonite home and they kept me. 23:11 Then when she'd come home, 23:12 she get me and we'd walk down and walk back to the house. 23:17 And grandma's house was always there. 23:20 Yeah. Well, until my mother got remarried. 23:25 But I never even knew what a father was. 23:29 What's really interesting, Ronald, is to add, 23:32 in what we're talking about is sometimes from early on 23:37 we were raised by parents and grandparents 23:39 but, you know, when I look at you and you say-- 23:41 Ronald, you said, you were raised that way, 23:43 is that this is not a new issue. 23:46 This is not something that just happened. 23:48 I think it is getting to where more and more 23:51 grandparents are raising kids but it always has been-- 23:55 Maybe just hid of being-- It was way hid. 23:59 They want to talk about, 24:00 maybe they thought it was a shame, 24:01 you know, they just don't want to talk about it. 24:04 Right. There's still some shame attached to it. 24:07 It is. It is. 24:09 But not as much as, as at one time. 24:11 And I love the fact that the more we talk about it, 24:13 the less shame and the more 24:15 somebody can actually do something, you know. 24:18 It is a population that needs a response from the community. 24:23 I mean it because we keep it here, who knows, 24:26 I mean, if you need help, 24:28 you know, they don't know unless you speak up. 24:31 Exactly. Asheley, you had a question. 24:35 Yeah, I was thinking back to my own personal experience 24:39 and how my grandparents kind of raised me off and on. 24:42 It's not like I think for a lot of parent-- 24:46 grandparents out there, 24:47 may be it's not a permanent thing like with your situation. 24:51 May be it's kind of, you know, 24:53 where they have the kids for a while 24:54 and then they don't have them for a while. 24:56 And that's just is really unstable thing 24:58 and then how do you cope 24:59 as a grandparent with not knowing 25:02 if you're gonna have the child, 25:04 you know, for a long period of time or they gonna go back 25:06 and live with their parents. 25:08 Well, actually my three young's one, 25:11 my daughter send them over to me again. 25:17 What she did was when she was locked up, 25:23 she signed temporary guardianship over to me. 25:27 So I can get them in school but when she came home, 25:30 actually, she just redone the papers in 2009. 25:36 She say, she wasn't ready for it yet. 25:39 But she got four more kids. So but-- 25:44 So now that you have permanent custody. 25:47 When--but Asheley, you were saying 25:51 when the children come and go emotionally 25:54 what does that do to the grandparent? 25:58 What does that do to, 25:59 you know, you really can't plan on anything? 26:02 Well, I mean, well, actually, I haven't had to go 26:06 through that problem yet and I hope I don't but-- 26:11 I know that I wish you've had 26:14 similar situation than like that. 26:16 So you've had an adoptive grandchild 26:19 not necessarily your own grandchild 26:20 but speak a little bit about when she comes and goes. 26:23 Yeah, I mean, I've had her twice. 26:27 And she's like my own granddaughter. 26:29 I mean, I am her surrogate grandparents. 26:31 And when she comes, I have to recognize the fact 26:35 that she's not going to be there with us. 26:37 But at the same time I have to treat her 26:39 like she's going to be there with me forever. 26:42 I mean, I can't assume anything. 26:45 But when it gets closer with someone 26:47 you know when it's coming. 26:49 I mean, you have an idea 26:50 that they are going to let her go back 26:52 or she's going to go back. 26:53 And so you first start preparing your mind for it. 26:55 You really have to because otherwise you're not gonna-- 26:59 I mean it hurts when they walk-- when they're going back. 27:04 But you also want them to be together as a family 27:07 and that's what makes it little bit easier. 27:09 Exactly and so we're gonna take a break 27:11 and bring Pamela back up. 27:13 But, you know, I love the fact 27:15 what everybody shared is that you can't do anything 27:18 other than step in and try to help in your family. 27:21 You really do have to recognize the pain 27:24 like what Iris was saying 27:26 of having a child come and go from your life. 27:28 And I am hoping that we're part of allowing this group 27:32 to have some what of a voice. 27:34 They need some help even if it's a good job, 27:38 can I baby sit? Can I give you a break? 27:40 I mean any of those kind of things. 27:41 But we're gonna be right back. 27:43 I am gonna bring Pamela back up and I know that we're gonna get 27:46 a little bit more information, so stay with us. |
Revised 2014-12-17