Participants: Cheri Peters (Host), Joanie McCulloch
Series Code: CLR
Program Code: CLR000109A
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00:11 I can't wait for you to meet my friend, Joanie. Come join us.
00:14 ¤ ¤ 00:43 Welcome back. You know to me my favorite part of 00:46 recovery is when we have that moment, that Ah-ha moment, when 00:50 you know that you just looked at something that was huge and you 00:55 are free. You know, I've had it and I'm praying that some of you 00:59 have had it. But I had a friend from church, he's close to 70, 01:03 he and his wife called me up and they said you know we've got 01:06 these issues and can we come over and just talk. So my 01:10 husband and I said of course. People do that all the time. 01:13 Some people come for like a week at a time and just hang out with 01:17 us. Not that we have anything magic but I've just been through 01:20 recovery and I love that. So anyhow he comes over and he 01:23 starts working with different things: Rage; there was a lot of 01:26 stuff with him and his wife over the years and he could pretty 01:31 much blow up over anything. So we worked on that. We worked on 01:34 the fact that he's never felt loved. Then all of a sudden a 01:39 few days into doing this with him he worked on some molest 01:43 issues which were really intense and then one day, and we had 01:47 been kind of meeting together for, I don't know, a week or two 01:51 and he looked at me and he said can I share something with you. 01:55 And I thought yeah, yeah, anything. I mean we've talked 01:59 about all kinds of stuff already acting out growing up, 02:02 alcoholism, from the molest he ended up with same sex kind of 02:06 stuff at one point. We had to deal with that. So I'm thinking 02:10 that you can share anything. And he started just sobbing, sobbing 02:15 and you just stand back and you let somebody go through that. 02:19 So he's sobbing. The table top is just soaked with tears, I 02:23 mean a puddle of tears right by where he's sitting. His wife 02:27 is looking at him. We're just kind of waiting for him to kind 02:31 of be able to speak again and he talked about his life. 02:35 Part of his life early on he was brought over to the U.S. by a 02:40 mother that wanted a better life for him. They came out of Mexico 02:46 he was a migrant worker. Lived in little, almost, shacks. He 02:50 said you know it was never a house and it was never for any 02:54 length of time and he moved from place to place as the harvest 02:58 was ready and able to be worked. He remembers going out and 03:03 working from sunup to sundown when he was tiny, maybe even 03:08 like, I don't know, five or six years old; I mean tiny. And he 03:12 cried, he said, that wasn't the issue though. The issues was 03:17 how people looked at him. People looked at him like he was 03:20 nothing. He said, you know what, most of the time even when he 03:25 ended up going to school and they got him in school but not 03:29 legally, because they were illegal. They got him in school. 03:34 He said he was never quite enough. He was the migrant kid 03:37 living in the shack. His mom would say something like, you 03:41 know what, be careful because they don't really like you. 03:45 And he just wept and wept and wept and wept and wept. He was 03:50 the most incredible guy. Such a great heart. I watched him as he 03:56 wept and knew that at one point in his life he decided just to 04:00 drink, just to act out, just to get high, and that took that 04:05 pain away from him. When he found God, God said to him, You 04:09 are my son and I love you. There is nothing that you can do that 04:14 is going to push me away or get me to look at you in that way. 04:18 I have never looked at you in that way but he ends up when he 04:22 starts acting out, comes out of that, finds God, falls in love 04:26 with a woman that her whole family is prejudiced against 04:31 people from Mexico. So he had to now live that in his life. But 04:35 nobody ever knew that that was his core issue. Nobody ever knew 04:39 that even as a kid he felt shamed all the time. Nobody ever 04:43 knew that he just wanted someone to look at him and say you're 04:46 okay and you belong here. So now he's married, he's been married 04:50 for years and years and years and he's being looked at that 04:52 like that in his family, sometimes even from his wife 04:56 and he's trying to pretend it doesn't bother him. And it 05:00 bothered him and he wept and wept and wept. There was a point 05:03 that I believe that God said you know it's time to just let him 05:08 work through that. You know how you have to work through that 05:12 of stuff; for one admit it out loud. This has been what drives 05:16 me, this fear of not being enough, this fear of nobody 05:20 really wants me here, this fear of I'm going to be discovered. 05:24 All of that kind of stuff really drove him. So first of all 05:27 saying that out loud and being able to surrender that to God 05:31 and then being able to forgive the people that looked at you 05:36 that way; I forgive you. I can't change it, I can't do anything 05:41 about it, I can't take that wound and fix it, but I can 05:44 forgive you and I can surrender that to God because I can't walk 05:48 with it anymore. It's killing me. And part of recovery is to 05:51 look at those deeper issues. And his was never the alcoholism, it 05:55 was never the rage, it was never any of that kind of stuff, it 05:59 was that deep-seated fear in his heart that he was not enough 06:03 and that he would never be accepted by anyone and that 06:05 when he finally forgave people, when he finally got through all 06:10 that kind of stuff, I watched for a moment anyway just joy. 06:15 Just joy. And you know what, the God of heaven knows who I am. 06:20 The God of heaven knows that my mom did the best she could with 06:25 what we were given. She wanted a better life for us, all that 06:29 kind of stuff, and I watched him just start to heal more and more 06:33 and more. So today we're going to talk about some of that kind 06:36 of stuff; not so much the fact that when somebody acts out they 06:41 choose anger, rage, pride, drugs or whatever. We're going to talk 06:46 about that kind of basic fear that in my heart of hearts I 06:51 don't believe I'm enough. And in recovery, wow, when you stand 06:56 in front of God and he said that has never been true, you have 07:00 always been enough for me. You have always been my child. 07:04 I have always loved you and I am so sorry for the things that you 07:08 had to go through but I want you to stand into a different place, 07:11 forgive them and stand up. I'm going to introduce you to one of 07:16 my closest friends, best friends She has dealt with a lot of 07:20 things in her life and you know what at first I didn't relate to 07:24 any of them, but I've known her now for years and now I relate 07:27 to all of them and I love her. So come back. I'd like to 07:31 introduce you to her, hear her story and you're going to be 07:34 blessed. |
Revised 2014-12-17