Participants: Cheri Peters (Host), Adam Schutte
Series Code: CLR
Program Code: CLR000120A
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00:01 The following program discusses sensitive issues
00:03 related to addicted behavior. 00:05 Parents are cautioned that some material 00:06 may be too candid for younger children. 00:11 Welcome to Celebrating Life in Recovery. 00:13 I'm Cheri, your host. 00:14 You know, there are some kids 00:16 that from very beginning they had-- 00:18 they don't even have a chance. 00:20 They are full of violence, 00:21 their families are full of drama, 00:23 they end upon the streets 00:24 and gangs all of that kind of stuff. 00:26 And when you go out to even say that I don't care 00:29 it's either my life or your life 00:30 and that's all good with me, 00:32 how do you rescue some one like that? 00:34 God is good at it. Come join us. 01:04 Welcome, this whole season 01:06 we have talked about how to maintain your recovery. 01:08 And for a lot of us you know, I came out heroin addition, 01:11 I came out of all kind of stuff which is that part of 01:14 it was kind of easier than what I'm dealing with now, 01:17 because that part of it I just don't have to-- 01:19 I just don't go by heroin, I just don't drink alcohol, 01:23 I don't just-- I don't smoke anymore 01:24 but what about that daily stuff getting me through. 01:28 You know, just your daily struggles 01:29 and all that kind of stuff. 01:30 This week we're gonna be looking at optimism or hope 01:33 and we gonna look at it in there whole 01:35 a lot of different ways. 01:36 One of them is I read the story one time 01:38 and there were 33 miners in Chile that got, 01:41 that got trapped in a mine for 69 days 01:45 and they had the hope that somebody was up there 01:49 trying to get out them. 01:50 They had to have hope that they will be rescued, 01:52 that they would be pulled out all of that kind of stuff. 01:54 And so the first thing they wanted to do spiritually 01:56 is look at the fact with our optimism is that 01:59 we got somebody out there, that is pulling for us. 02:01 We got somebody out there that knows where we trapped in, 02:04 knows all that kind of stuff and every day I have to know 02:07 there is a God, He is crazy about me, 02:09 delights in my recovery and has my back, 02:11 until sometimes even though I don't have the answers 02:14 I know that God does and I know that 02:17 He will not stop until He finds me 02:20 and on some day as that's really tough 02:22 because I can get in to some pretty dark places. 02:24 And so now I have to that hope with that optimism about that, 02:27 there is another thing is that I was-- 02:31 I had a lot of stuff 02:32 that followed me into my recovery. 02:34 You know, I came out of you know, dysfunctional home, 02:37 I came out of a lot of addictions, 02:39 a lot of junk like that, 02:40 there is a lot of molestations all of that 02:42 was very real in life, 02:44 but you know, I also had attachment disorders, 02:46 bonding disorders, 02:47 my family has some bipolar stuff 02:50 in it all that kind of thing. 02:51 So I didn't even know, what do I have in my pocket 02:54 and I have to have hope that God even knows that, 02:56 that genetic predispositions, 02:58 that junk that I'm gonna walk with, 03:00 all of this stuff that I'm gonna have to come out of, 03:02 I'm socially underdeveloped, 03:04 I don't know how to eat with some one, 03:05 I don't even know how to do that basics stuff 03:08 but God did knows that about me 03:10 and I have to have hope or optimism 03:12 that we are even gonna deal with odd stuff. 03:14 And so I want to introduce you to my guest this week, 03:16 we are going to share his journey 03:19 and see what he is done with some of that. 03:21 And so Adam Schuttle, 03:22 I just have to say welcome to the program. 03:24 Thank you for having me. 03:25 You know, when we-- when they talk about 03:27 having that hope with some of those real issues, 03:29 you really understand that. 03:31 Yes, I do. 03:33 I directly relate optimism and hope with faith itself, 03:38 especially if you're coming 03:40 and you're trying to change you're life, 03:42 I think there is a lot of places 03:44 especially churches that teach that 03:48 we are humans, so you just gonna sin, 03:50 but it takes away God's power when you are taught that 03:54 if you don't think that God can change you 03:57 how He is gonna change you? 03:58 So what you're saying in your own life 04:00 you had to believe that God actually is gonna do a change? 04:02 Yes. 04:03 So tell me about it, when I first heard your story 04:06 I wanted to just sit with you and cry, 04:09 'cause you came from some pretty difficult time. 04:11 So start even from the beginning 04:13 what was your life like? 04:15 Well, start it now early on I can remember 04:20 my father would just beat my mother daily, 04:23 and I can remember this back even when I was two, 04:28 three years old when most people 04:29 can't even remember that far back, 04:30 but I remember that. 04:33 I remember just him beating her on a daily basis. 04:39 She would go to the hospital a lot. 04:42 And you know, that was just those are my first memories. 04:45 Did you get a sense of wanted to help her, 04:47 like you should be able to do something? 04:48 I-- believe it or not even at two, three, four years old 04:52 I put the blame on myself. 04:54 I thought it was my duty to protect my mother 04:56 and I thought I had failed her for not being able to do so 05:00 even though I was literally a toddler. 05:02 And I just, I carry that over even to this day. 05:07 I feel you know that, 05:11 and its completely unreasonable, 05:12 it's on-- it's you know, I was a little kid. 05:15 But it was so real. 05:16 Its yeah, but it's so real and I still feel that creeping, 05:20 every once at a while up that I put pressure on my myself 05:24 that its just some thing completely unrealistic, 05:27 that it would be my duty to do that. 05:28 But yeah, that was it I yeah, 05:31 I would see my mother being beat 05:32 and I would blame myself 05:34 and I would take the guilt and the blame, 05:36 like it was fault directly. 05:38 And so did your-- did your dad, 05:43 did your dad ever beat you? 05:44 I mean did that? My step father did. 05:48 So your dad left eventually. 05:49 Well, how old were you when he left? 05:51 I was four years old and my mom had 05:53 to just completely go off the grid. 05:55 She had just-- Safe house, all that stuff. 05:57 She had to just leave 05:58 and not let him know where we were. 06:00 It was that dangerous sort of move 06:02 and I'm sure she probably 06:04 wanted to do that a lot earlier but-- 06:07 I have to just say for a lot of people 06:08 that don't understand that kind of environment 06:10 'cause I have-- for one I understand that environment 06:12 and I had people that tell me of that 06:15 is that as a kid your are so hyper aware of all of that 06:20 and knowing that you are so little, 06:21 you can't make a difference but wanting to. 06:24 And there your mom is literally moving you out 06:27 getting you in safe house, 06:28 trying to protect you from a father 06:31 that could maybe even take your guys life 06:33 if you were found. 06:34 Yeah, I think that was the threat on her was me 06:39 and then at my sister 06:41 I think she trying to leave him one time, 06:43 he kidnapped us and then so I think 06:46 the treat even after she had gone to the point 06:48 where she was ready to leave, it was he was using us 06:51 as a bargaining chip to blackmail her 06:53 you know, and keep her there. 06:56 So once you finally made that you know, 06:58 the courageous decision to leave we had to just leave 07:01 and just not come back 07:02 and not let him know where we are. 07:05 Crazy, yeah. That was crazy. 07:07 But then she ends up finding somebody that just as abusive. 07:10 Sadly because, you know, she had her issues too. 07:14 And so yeah, she got into another relationship 07:18 and same story except, you know, me and my sister 07:23 were included in the beatings and the abuse 07:27 and you know, I still being mad at myself 07:34 because I didn't take care of the first situation 07:37 when my real father was beating everyone. 07:40 I didn't took on the role where I thought 07:42 I was the only being beat even though everybody else was, 07:44 but in-- I as far as I aware 07:46 it was just me but that was my job. 07:49 My job-- I take it on for you guys. 07:50 My job was to take it 07:52 for everybody else that was my job. 07:53 Yeah. 07:54 I didn't do it before, so I did it now. 07:56 And I was glad to do it. 07:58 There is a plenty in your life 07:59 that you had to take on that incredible anger or rage. 08:03 When did that start? 08:05 Because you know I see this kid I first feeling guilty, 08:07 but at one point you must say you know, 08:09 what I'm just angry, this is not fair. 08:11 Yeah, it wasn't fair, why did I have to do this? 08:14 Right. 08:15 Everybody else is gets away. 08:16 Why do I have to take care of my mother? 08:18 Why do I have to do this? 08:19 You know, and then so just bitterness was coming up. 08:24 The major point was when I actually found out that, 08:27 the rest of the family was being beat also 08:29 and so I remember-- 08:32 Wow. 08:33 My grandma came over for dinner one time 08:36 gave my sister a hug and she quenched 08:39 and she is like what's wrong? 08:41 And she lifted up her shirt 08:42 and she had bruises down her entire body. 08:46 And then the quote from my stepfather 08:47 was I did a good job, didn't I? 08:50 And so the next day I went to school 08:54 and pleaded with the counselor, 08:56 I was in fifth grade at the time. 08:58 I pleaded with the counselor I was like-- 09:02 because in my mind I was still supposed 09:03 to be protecting them and I'm still failing. 09:05 So this is my last day effort. 09:07 I'm gonna pull someone else in. 09:08 I'm gonna pull somebody else in. 09:09 We need some help. 09:10 Yeah, because I thought I was doing my job. 09:12 I thought I was being the one that 09:14 was taking all the beatings but its not working. 09:18 So I went to school and I don't know 09:20 what the issues were with this person at the time 09:25 but I told him the story and very vividly 09:29 I still remember this is his quote to me in his reaction. 09:33 Well, there is nothing I can do about it 09:35 so the best thing for you to do 09:36 is just pretend it never happened. 09:40 Wow. And that was end of it. 09:42 And you know, how much did it take 09:46 for you to step up and say something? 09:48 You know, to break all of that kind of stuff, 09:49 realizing that this is I have no other choice in there 09:52 for someone to say just pretend it didn't happen. 09:55 So you know, are you kidding me? 09:57 Yeah, and that was the moment 10:00 that something just broke inside of me. 10:03 I remember thinking I hate that guy, 10:11 and then I hate my mother, 10:13 and I hate dad, and I hate my mom 10:15 for making me take care of my sister, 10:17 and hate my mom, and hate my dad 10:19 for doing what they did to me. 10:20 I hate my sister because it's not my job 10:22 to take care of her. 10:23 Why do I have to take care of her? 10:24 I just resent and I'm angry at everybody. 10:26 And I just hated myself the most of all 10:29 because I just couldn't protect them all. 10:32 What was wrong with me? 10:33 I was just disgusting 10:35 and just this insanely bitter hate 10:39 just started to just blacken my soul 10:42 from that moment on-- 10:44 Up until you know, just grow-- 10:46 Even as your talking you really I can sense 10:50 what that did for that child in that moment 10:52 just saying I'm done, I'm done. 10:53 It's horrible, yeah. 10:55 I mean I was in fifth grade and I just completely 10:57 just started to detach from reality 11:00 because I just couldn't take it anymore. 11:01 Yeah, what did that look like 11:03 when you said detach from reality? 11:12 I couldn't handle my life anymore, 11:15 but I still had to live it. 11:18 And so I just started in my mind creating a person, 11:24 creating places that could takeover 11:27 and live my life for me, 11:28 because I can't do it anymore, it was too much stress, 11:31 it was too much pain and too much hate all the time. 11:35 For some people they're gonna have no idea 11:37 the level of intensity of stress that, 11:39 that has to be in your life for you to say 11:41 I fragmented at that point 11:42 literally fragmented detach from myself 11:45 became something else or jumped in to a fantasy world. 11:48 That's huge but you actually say 11:51 I almost felt the moment that happened. 11:54 I did because it was just, 11:56 it was like night and day in my personality 11:59 before I went in tried to get help in after words, 12:01 it was just I was done that was all I can take. 12:05 And you know, going in to be an teenager 12:10 I would like everybody else I did you know drugs 12:13 and partying like that, 12:15 but I because I'm not just trying to feel good, 12:19 I'm trying to forget. And so-- 12:23 I'm not doing this for entertainment. 12:25 I wasn't doing it for entertainment 12:26 and I was doing as much drugs, I was doing any drugs, 12:30 I was drinking as I could 12:31 because I could not be alone with my mind. 12:34 I couldn't think, I couldn't be there, 12:35 it was too much. 12:37 And so I would literally get to inches 12:40 before overdose every single day 12:43 just to try to num my mind enough 12:45 to where I didn't have to think. 12:46 Wow. 12:47 Because I hated myself that much 12:50 and still taking it in-- 12:51 That this is probably inappropriate 12:53 for me to do right now, 12:54 because you are you know, trying to tell the story 12:56 but I just want to say I'm so sorry 12:59 because even listening to you I see this little kid 13:02 that wants somebody to say 13:04 well, somebody just do the right thing. 13:06 Well, somebody just come in 13:07 and step in and do the right thing 13:09 but now you are at the point where you given up, 13:12 you are so high that even if they did at this point 13:14 it wouldn't even matter 13:15 and you got really maliciously angry too. 13:19 Yeah. During that time. 13:22 I got real violent, really, really violent. 13:24 I just because all I like felt from the moment I woke up 13:29 and until the moment I went to sleep it was hate. 13:33 I used to like sleeping because it was the only time 13:34 I could get rest for myself other than that be in high. 13:41 And so I really look forward to going to sleep at night 13:43 but I just I was so angry and I grew up in a you know, 13:48 in a place where that was okay, it was okay be violent, 13:51 it was okay to be you know, just go out there 13:57 and have the attitude that kill or be killed. 14:00 So explain that to some people they're gonna have no idea 14:02 what you are talking about, 14:03 and some people they know exactly 14:05 'cause they have grown up in the same place. 14:07 Just grown up in a lower class neighborhood 14:09 that's how everybody was, you had to survive. 14:13 And it's almost like oh, you went beat somebody 14:15 yeah, come on give some knuckles. 14:17 Good job, yeah. 14:18 Good for you. It was rewarded. 14:20 Yeah, and even lie and manipulating 14:22 all that kind of stuff the more out there 14:24 we can get somebody can say 14:25 well, good for you let's go out and do some thing tonight, 14:28 but it is that that's where I get accepted, 14:30 that's where I get rewarded, that's where my family is 14:33 and the only one that actually is decent right now 14:35 is that people that are maliciously 14:37 acting out in you huge ways. 14:38 Its like the whole world turns upside down. 14:42 So you are in the midst of that? 14:44 Yeah and-- and it wasn't just me, 14:47 it was me and my friends we all had the same attitude. 14:50 I just you know, I was little bit worse than them 14:54 but we used to-- this was our hobby 14:56 where we would go, we would get high, 14:58 get drunk whatever you wanted to do 15:01 and we would drive around town, 15:02 wait for people just walking down the road, 15:05 just people we've never seen, 15:06 never met, never will see again. 15:08 And we would beat them senseless to the point were 15:11 they needed to go to the hospital. 15:13 And it didn't matter you whether they lived or die, 15:15 this was an evening for fun? 15:17 Yeah, that was the only release we could have from the pain. 15:22 So-- and like I just have to say 15:24 'cause I know that right now as were even taping this 15:28 so there's a three kids who just got arrested 15:32 for killing a guy from Australia. 15:34 He was just out jogging and they waited 15:37 for someone to go by and they killed him. 15:41 So is that same as that you know, 15:42 when nothing makes sense 15:44 when the world doesn't make sense, 15:45 when nobody is releasing any of this junk 15:49 we will resort to some pretty violent things. 15:53 And you are daily going out was, 15:56 you know, what don't walk by me 15:57 'cause I'm looking for some of that to cause. 16:00 And as soon as we're done we got in the car 16:01 and then just went it and did it again. 16:04 We all got the point where we had so much hate 16:09 and we have been hurt so much 16:12 that we didn't want to be hurt anymore. 16:15 So we just wouldn't have feelings 16:17 'cause if you had feelings you would be hurt, 16:20 whether they were good or bad, we just did what the bad ones. 16:23 So we sacrificed even the good feelings for the bad, 16:25 and so we chose to feel nothing as opposed 16:28 to even have the chance to have our trust 16:33 you know, hurt again and violated. 16:35 So the only thing you were actually feeling 16:36 was an adrenaline rush, when you felt the rush. 16:40 Yeah, it was just a release. 16:44 So a little about that life, were you still going to school? 16:47 Were you still-- 16:49 That was-- when it got really bad 16:51 I was actually already had graduated. 16:53 I wasn't going to college, I was just trying to forget. 16:59 Were you in at a jail yet? 17:00 Were you in hospital? 17:02 Did they put you okay, talk about some of the stuff 17:05 that really came in to your life 17:07 because of that violence? 17:09 Well, because of that, that really puts you, 17:10 you know, in a really high risk situation at all times. 17:15 I just want to add also part of the reason 17:17 I was doing that is 'cause I hated myself so much 17:21 like I was explaining and I was constantly suicidal. 17:25 I had tried to kill myself on a number of occasions 17:29 and it got to the point where there was something 17:36 that wasn't letting me die. 17:39 I realized now its God. 17:41 At the time I didn't understand that, 17:43 I just thought I'm trying to kill myself 17:46 this is all I want because I just want 17:47 to be release from this pain. 17:50 So a lot of times when I would go out 17:53 and do those violet things, 17:54 I would-- there were times 17:55 I would out by myself in to violent neighborhoods 17:59 hoping to see somebody who I would hurt 18:02 and then they would kill me. 18:03 Because I couldn't do it myself, 18:05 it wasn't I was trying and isn't working. 18:08 So I would go in to these violent situations hoping 18:11 that somebody would kill me 18:13 and a lot of it was that too, I just wanted to die. 18:18 I just couldn't take it any more. 18:19 So I could just see you right with somebody, 18:21 you know, with a gun or anything 18:23 and just saying what do you think you scaring me? 18:24 Shoot me, go ahead and I could, I could see that 18:28 and that happens-- that happens. 18:31 And so you've done stuff like this. 18:33 So now you are in those situations, 18:35 you are literally trying to get yourself killed 18:39 and not no jail, no mental health, 18:41 no hospitalizations none of that? 18:43 No. 18:44 Because how did you say off the good in that way? 18:48 Well, it was a matter of time and I didn't it was just, 18:50 this was just before eventually just, 18:53 you know, it all close in on me, 18:57 it just, it got really bad because there was a time, 19:02 right around that time I started-- 19:06 I remember one time I took my sister 19:07 some where in my car, 19:10 but we had to pick something at her house first 19:11 and so I went in and I went outside 19:14 but I had left the lights on 19:16 and so when I came back out the car wouldn't start 19:19 you know, no big deal the car wouldn't start you know. 19:24 But just that little situation I-- 19:29 my reaction was I ran to the backyard in the dirt, 19:31 cold up in the fetal position 19:34 and I don't know how to explain it 19:36 I just completely shut off the outside world. 19:40 And those situations more often 19:43 and more often were happening, 19:44 and happening, and happening 19:45 and I was just literarily I was still conscious 19:50 but nothing well just going on. 19:52 I just couldn't take it any more. 19:53 It's almost like you're driving a car on a trip 19:58 and you are so tired 20:00 that you have somebody else takeover 20:02 and that's what I would do. 20:03 My life was so tiring that I was still on the trip 20:06 but I had somebody else drive for me a while you know, 20:08 here I take over for a while-- 20:10 So almost went to a catatonic stage-- 20:13 I'm not gonna feel, I'm not gonna interact, 20:15 I don't see you anymore and I'm in the safe place 20:19 and the safe place is far from your reach, 20:22 you can't reach me here, you can't touch me here. 20:25 And I would go inside my mind 20:27 and one of the side effects of doing that 20:30 though is somebody else had to be in control, 20:33 but I couldn't be, I couldn't take it anymore. 20:37 So my mind created a part of me 20:41 that could takeover and could live 20:45 when I couldn't take it anymore. 20:46 And-- 20:48 Are you talking about literally having that 20:51 that fragmentation in the split personality 20:54 where you other, you have created other personalities 20:56 that can step up and say, I will do it for you? 20:59 Yeah, I created them to protect me. 21:02 What's really like even saying that, 21:05 now Adam, its really interesting 21:07 because some people don't realize 21:09 what that means to fragment, 21:11 to be so and so much torment 21:14 that you will consciously or unconsciously 21:17 create some an entity a person, 21:20 and I think the devil himself says, 21:21 oh, good I will takeover I will do that for you. 21:24 Could be. 21:25 You know, so you split taken other personalities, 21:28 you can literally have some other personalities step up 21:31 and go back in to your life. 21:33 And then I can rest, finally. 21:35 Yeah. 21:36 And that's all I cared about and so at first I liked it, 21:42 I just I love the situation, 21:44 I created a part of me that would protect me, 21:46 look out for me while I could just relax 21:51 and not have to deal with it for a while-- 21:55 Its interest in when you, when you tell me that story, 21:57 its interest in that you tell it 21:59 with such a conscious awareness of telling of doing that. 22:02 I mean you were very consciously aware 22:04 and even of your rest 22:06 and what you are gonna say is bad part of was what? 22:09 The bad part was is the other part of me 22:12 that I created was just pure violence and pure evil. 22:15 And had the no conscience like I said 22:19 and just did horrible things whatever I wanted. 22:23 But I didn't mind that in of myself 22:25 because-- You got to rest. 22:27 And they were there to protect me 22:28 and no one had ever done that before. 22:30 Right, so almost for the first time in your life, 22:33 you could say thank you 22:34 even though it was incredibly violent. 22:37 Yeah. 22:39 And so I over lifted all and-- 22:42 So what happened with that? 22:43 That's pretty-- that's that gives to be 22:45 in some really crazy territory. 22:47 Yeah, it gets to the point 22:48 where you're just around violence all the time 22:50 and other violent people 22:51 and eventually you just got come to ahead, 22:56 there was a point where I just happened 23:00 to cross paths with somebody, 23:02 you know, who is just as bad and hateful as me 23:05 and when you get two people like that together 23:07 and a volatile situation. 23:10 He tried to jump me, we gotten afraid-- 23:14 So both of you are looking at each other like you know, 23:16 what to get of here you gonna have to kill me 23:18 and you are saying you know what I'm okay with that. 23:22 And even though I never met him before I could just see that 23:24 because I knew. 23:25 You saw that craziness in him too. 23:27 Because I had it. 23:28 And so-- 23:30 So what happened? 23:31 We got in to a fight, I ended up wining the fight 23:36 but that wasn't the end of it and I just would escalate, 23:39 and escalate, and escalate further 23:41 and further so we had 23:44 you know, we just had this horrible violent confrontation, 23:47 and there is a point where I'm in my car 23:52 and he is trying to pull me out and I hit the gas, 23:54 and he gets ran over and he dies. 23:59 Wow. And, yeah. 24:04 Even at that moment, at that moment 24:06 because of your pain and where you been 24:09 that was not a big deal, was it? 24:13 Not at the time, it is now. 24:15 Now that I have changed, this is you know, horrible-- 24:18 I'm gonna go ahead and take a break 24:19 because I want to come back and talk to you not only about 24:23 what happened next and what happened with this, 24:26 but how did God ever reach you 24:29 because right now you are hiding behind all of this anger 24:32 and all of this evil. 24:34 We're gonna be right back, stay with us. 24:37 My heart breaks, for Adam it breaks 24:39 for all of the folks that have had to hide 24:42 and take care of everyone there 24:44 until they just snap, 24:45 but stay with us and hear the end of the story 24:48 because it's pretty amazing what God's able to do. |
Revised 2015-01-29