Participants: Cheri Peters (Host), Jim Attikson
Series Code: CLR
Program Code: CLR000121B
|
00:01 The following program discusses sensitive issues
00:03 related to addictive behavior. 00:05 Parents are cautioned that some material 00:06 may be too candid for younger children. 00:17 Welcome back. 00:18 You know, when we talk about somebody's issues 00:20 that we really do fight an enemy 00:25 that's bigger than us. 00:26 So specially when we talk about addictions 00:28 and we talk about despair and all of that kind of stuff 00:31 and I really am amazed at in the story of Joshua 00:35 well, when Jesus says, 00:36 I'm just gonna silent all the voices 00:38 and I want you to just to look at Me 00:40 because we're gonna make it through this. 00:42 You know, Jim, I first heard your story 00:45 and I was amazed at what God has led you from 00:49 and what you're dealing within your life 00:51 and now what you are stepping out a ministry to do. 00:54 So I'm just gonna turned it over to you and say, 00:57 tell the viewers what you told me. 01:00 Sure. 01:01 My story begins with suicide, truly after I learnt to walk 01:05 for reasons why I don't understand. 01:08 My mom left, I was four or may be five years old 01:12 there were no telephone calls on my birthday, 01:14 they were no birthday cards. 01:16 She took with her my grandfather, 01:18 my aunt, my uncle my, entire family tree had left. 01:22 So at age five or six 01:23 I started to feel invisible to the world. 01:26 When I was nine she wrote me a letter 01:28 and said that she had a-- I had a new brother 01:32 and that maybe one day I could come and visit. 01:33 So my nine-year-old mind I was replaceable, 01:37 I was disposable. 01:39 I spent most of my childhood mourning 01:42 the fact that my mom was gone 01:43 and then my mother and father have got into a divorce. 01:46 When I was about age ten my father-- 01:49 Who did you live with during that time? 01:50 Well, my father got remarried-- 01:51 Okay. When I was five. 01:53 It was an integrated family and I had a step-mom 01:57 and I didn't really blend well with that family. 02:00 They were decent people. 02:01 They weren't angry with me or anything nearly, 02:03 they provided and cared for me 02:04 but I was being starved of a nurturing relationship. 02:07 You know, this hugs and kisses 02:08 that little kids need and they need to know that, 02:10 they need to know the affection and love from a mom and dad. 02:14 I just didn't get that. 02:16 By the time I turned to age ten for reasons 02:19 I don't know my father became an angry person, 02:22 and I got the wrath of his anger. 02:26 Growing up it was a non uncommon to be called 02:29 or kinds of names having to dodge food being thrown at me, 02:33 I felt nights I would be called out of my bed 02:36 and have to stand there in attention like a soldier. 02:39 And he would be rate me and make me feel 02:41 even more like an animal. 02:44 Frequently he told me I will make you a break, 02:47 that was his attitude about raising me. 02:50 And the problem was, was that in school 02:52 I was depressed and I had hard time with academics. 02:57 Academics were always the trigger point, 02:59 I would bring home this bad grades 03:00 and he would call me a loser and idiot. 03:03 He had what he called an idiot list, 03:05 and I would have to take the idiot list to school daily 03:08 and then the teachers would fill it out 03:09 and the other kids would make fun of me 03:11 and the idiot list-- 03:13 You know, was truly tough is that whole spiral 03:16 is that if I'm depressed, if I'm stressed 03:18 and I'm dealing with all that kind of stuff, 03:20 I can't concentrate at school. 03:22 So there's no way as I kind of even know 03:24 if I'm stupid or not. 03:25 I can't, you know, I cant, I don't get it, 03:27 I don't get anything. 03:29 Well, school was more of a, 03:30 it was more of a safe house for me. 03:33 I wasn't trouble, I fell it danger at home, 03:35 but when I went to school I get a decent meal, 03:38 there was no one calling me names, 03:40 you know, I used to listen for the door, 03:43 you know, back door being slammed shut. 03:45 I knew is he gonna be in a good mood 03:46 or is he gonna be in a bad mood. 03:47 I would hear a plate or something break 03:49 and then I would think is this meant for me? 03:52 And I would always live in this constant state of fear anxiety. 03:55 But when I went to school 03:56 I didn't feel anything like that 03:58 and so I felt that reason at school 04:00 wasn't really place of academics, 04:01 it was simply a place to live 04:03 and so that's why my grades would suffer 04:05 and then I would bring home this bad grades 04:07 and then you know people, you know, I'll be always catch 04:09 well, you are not applying yourself, 04:10 you know, and so by the time I was in the ninth grade, 04:14 you know-- one of the things he'd like to do was 04:17 is I would have to sit in this iron metal chair, 04:20 and I would have to sit there from morning to sunset 04:24 or when I went to bed 04:25 or when I got home from school until I went to bed. 04:29 Sometimes it could be days, 04:30 sometimes it could be weeks at a time 04:32 and I found when I'm sitting with chairs 04:33 I would think about, 04:34 I would fantasies about flying away to heaven. 04:37 You know, or I would sit in school 04:39 and I would fly away to heaven. 04:40 I found that if I fly away to heaven 04:42 then tehse problems will no longer bothering me. 04:45 Right, I can go into a safe place. 04:47 A place where I'm loved and belong. 04:49 Yep, so my initials interaction with suicide 04:52 was quite innocent of itself. 04:54 I remember distinctly 04:55 and I would start to feel better, 04:56 I would start to think 04:57 I'm taking control of a situation 05:00 that I have no control of and I have control over it 05:02 if I think about flying away. 05:04 So by the time I finished my freshman year in high school 05:07 I had barely graduated there 05:09 I almost did make it to the 10th grade 05:11 and I got no letter from the school, 05:14 and the school said that basically 05:16 they had impounded my grades because I over due text books 05:18 and then I had damaged over due library books, 05:22 I damaged some text books. 05:23 And I was afraid to bring this home this letter to him 05:25 because I knew it was bad enough 05:27 that I had just passed and it was this money 05:30 and I just involved and I just knew 05:32 they are gonna call stupid and just start the other. 05:35 So I was home alone 05:37 and I just decided to take this letter 05:38 and throw it away. 05:39 I wasn't gonna tell him about this. 05:43 I dread it myself-- I dread it summer 05:44 after summer after summer. 05:46 Most kids look forward I think that's one thing-- 05:47 But I'm home the whole time now, I can't do it. 05:50 If there's educators out there, 05:51 I think if they have a child who is afraid 05:54 and most kids want to be away from school 05:55 but if you have children who gravitate, 05:57 they don't want to go home that should be a key 05:59 that there's something wrong at home. 06:01 And so I didn't want to be that summer and so 06:04 he wasn't home that day 06:05 and I remember wandering through the house, 06:06 I remember thinking if I pick the point of his guns 06:09 and I pulled the trigger it would all be over 06:12 and I remember feeling a sense of peace 06:14 I was like, I'm gonna do it. 06:16 That's the answer. 06:17 Yep, I'm gonna surrender my life to suicide. 06:20 You see all I had-- I remember thinking at that moment time 06:23 my will to live realize that I was very serious. 06:26 And I remember it put up this, 06:28 what are we talking about here? 06:29 I went into wherever the guns were kept 06:31 and I opened the gun can and I pulled out the gun 06:34 and I loaded it, 06:35 I held it my hands I felt alive 06:38 and I remember thinking you can't hurt me, 06:41 wherever I go you can't hurt me. 06:43 Because ultimately I have this out. 06:46 Yes, I created an out. 06:49 I mean, when people encountered me 06:51 post suicide they had this attitude that one day 06:54 I just woke up picked up a gun and shot myself this is all, 06:56 they understand that it was a literally a life 06:58 to suicide march. 07:00 You were seduced into suicide. 07:01 Yeah, it required an effort, 07:03 and my will to live would not just let me do this. 07:05 So I remember I unloaded the gun and put it away. 07:08 I shut the gun can, I remember thinking 07:09 I have a way out now. 07:11 So sure enough he found out about the letter, 07:14 it was a terrible summer 07:15 you know 1985, in the back of my mind 07:18 I remember thinking you can't hurt me anymore, 07:21 you cannot hurt me. 07:23 So finally in the fall-- 07:25 And this is my ultimate almost getting back at you too. 07:29 As I want you to find me even, you know, it's like, 07:34 you know for years of all of this stuff I'm going out. 07:37 I was invisible. 07:39 You know my own mother 07:40 I wasn't worthy of a phone call on my birthday. 07:42 You know, my father, my biological father 07:44 I was a piece of garbage 07:45 and the rest of the world didn't see 07:46 what was happening. 07:48 So I was-- you know, there was times 07:49 I even prayed to God. 07:50 I was like Heavenly Father, 07:52 please make him stop hurting me. 07:53 And when God I didn't see God respond, 07:55 I remember thinking I'm really 07:57 have no value, no meaning in life. 08:00 No one sees me. No one sees me. 08:02 So by the fall of 1985 I started myself 08:05 and I remember I started planning. 08:07 I had to realize what was been my tolerance level, 08:11 what baleful means I had access to-- 08:13 did I have access to drugs, 08:15 what kind of caliber weapons, 08:17 was there a high place that I could jump. 08:20 And so again my will to live is resisting this? 08:23 I remember going-- 08:24 So you know, what I've got to say 08:25 just like any addiction that as somebody was suicide 08:30 as we do that we really are finding hope and joy 08:34 and a little bit of peace in all of the planning 08:38 so you know this is not, this is almost like 08:41 I have something to do now 08:42 and I have something to do that I have control over. 08:45 I found myself I actually enjoyed the planning of it.. 08:48 I mean it was-- because it was my own little world. 08:51 You know, it was kind of like 08:52 it was like my secret from everybody else. 08:55 You know-- and part of my planning was as I knew 08:57 that I would be dead by the summer of 1986. 09:00 So I figured I had at least nine months to savor my life. 09:04 I remember going into the library 09:06 and opening up an encyclopedia and looking up suicide 09:09 and I remember distinctly had said, 09:11 people who are suicidal demonstrate these symptoms. 09:13 And so I made a point to talk openly about 09:16 not graduating high school. 09:17 I remember giving things away, you know, 09:20 because my will to live was like 09:21 this is out of control. 09:23 I need someone to help me. 09:24 Yes, my subconscious mind was saying, 09:26 hey thanks for getting out of control. 09:29 I didn't know how to come up and say to someone, 09:31 hey, I'm thinking about killing myself. 09:33 And typically when people say 09:35 I'm really struggling with life, 09:37 I'm really thinking about taking my life 09:38 the response is don't talk crazy like that. 09:41 You know why would you-- 09:42 you'll start shutting this person down 09:44 and isolating them 09:45 when they need connection and so-- 09:48 So they're all connected with very plan again. 09:51 Yeah. Which is huge. 09:52 I mean, you know, thank you for sharing that, 09:54 because I really did get that full picture as they're-- 09:57 if they're not gonna be able to talk to anyone, 09:59 the only comfort they're gonna get 10:00 is in the planning. 10:01 Yeah, suicide really in that respect looking back 10:04 it had its own personality. 10:06 It had its own face about it. 10:08 You know it would sense 10:10 that I was kind of wandering back towards life thinking 10:12 because there was days when you, you would long. 10:15 I want this and then you will live is like 10:17 I can't do this, I can't do this. 10:19 And so this is up and down spiral 10:20 and then it would always kind of 10:21 once it knew it hand somebody, 10:23 it would start tossing me, yanking me towards it. 10:27 I love the way you express that, Jim, 10:29 because you are just talking about its almost-- 10:31 you know, we forget that there is an enemy 10:33 and there is a demonic influence 10:36 when we do get lost in that despair 10:38 and I think that's why Jesus warns us 10:40 constantly is look at Me 10:42 because the enemy can get you so lost in yourself 10:46 that would look like a great solution a good out. 10:49 It's a lie. You know, it really is a lie. 10:51 It really is. 10:53 So you try to reach out nothing happens, 10:56 you go back to the plan. 10:58 So by December 1985 I knew that I would be, 11:01 I stopped initiating as soon as it caused. 11:04 I reached the point where I didn't want anyone to know 11:06 that I was going to take my life. 11:07 I'd signs sealed deliver in my life to a suicide. 11:11 I'd enjoyed Christmas. 11:12 Typically people sometimes were contemplating suicide 11:15 enter that peace mood, that's the eye of the storm. 11:18 So explain that 'cause when somebody sees that mood, 11:21 they think oh, they must have gotten over it. 11:22 Yes, that's the most dangerous point. 11:24 Because that's the point 11:25 when they reach the resolution phase 11:26 well, this is, it's all on the table I'm done. 11:29 This is when they start doing things like 11:30 making final arrangements saying goodbye to people, 11:33 I remember saying goodbye to people 11:35 you know because I'm done. 11:37 Even saying like you know, 11:38 what you have been one of my closest friends 11:40 and I just want you to know that, 11:42 'cause it sounds real innocent but for me, 11:45 it's that when you find me dead don't forget. 11:48 That I really did like you, yeah. 11:50 And so one thing your viewers could understand is, 11:53 if somebody if they ever have that moment of something 11:56 doesn't seem right to not ignore that moment. 11:58 You know, and so finally January 23rd 12:01 it's a Thursday I come home and because I had plan to die, 12:04 my grades it was the worst semester of my life, 12:07 I mean it was just absent, red ink everywhere 12:09 and fate had played my hand that night. 12:12 My brother who is seven years younger than me 12:15 had also had some marginal grades 12:17 and it was just him my stepmother and me 12:20 and my brother was crying and he had seen 12:23 what had happened to me growing up 12:24 but he is very fearful of the wrath 12:27 that my father was gonna impose in his life. 12:29 So my stepmother is comforting him 12:32 and being there for him, 12:33 I'm kind of on my own here in the kitchen. 12:35 Because that's her biological child. 12:36 That's here child, yeah. 12:37 And so she looks at me and she says to me 12:39 she says, for your sake 12:40 I hope your grades aren't bad as his 12:42 because I couldn't pass to your father to hurt you. 12:45 I mean, the man had thrown chainsaws at me, 12:47 he had to pull the server on the side of the room 12:49 in the middle of the night 12:50 and yelled at me turned out the lights. 12:52 And so, I before I had sense some threatening my life 12:54 before so I had no doubt. 12:57 I believe that she was telling me was the truth. 12:59 So I looked at her and said no my grades 13:01 are actually very good though they were in my pocket. 13:03 I said I'm having free on Monday 13:05 and it's the best semester of my life. 13:07 And she bought the lie, 13:09 and she's well, how that happened? 13:11 I said, I applied myself and she said okay. 13:13 So you said the very words that. 13:15 I said the buzz words, 13:16 I said the buzz words and they accepted it. 13:19 In my mind I remember thinking 13:20 I had literally gone to a great airport, 13:23 I punched a ticket 13:24 and I would be hopping in a jet plane 13:25 and the next I was gonna be gone. 13:27 And so my father came home 13:29 and she said all his grades are good 13:30 and I'm free on Monday, okay so then following day 13:34 I know exactly how condemned people feel on their way 13:37 to the gas chamber to electric chair. 13:40 The colors were very vibrant, 13:43 the smell was so much more acute, 13:46 I could see things and hear things 13:48 and I think it was my will 13:50 if a bear came charging through here. 13:53 Yeah, you'd be alert and same my body is like 13:55 oh, my goodness something is happening, 13:56 but isn't quite understand that the threat is from the inside. 14:00 And I think that we don't understand about 14:02 that even the rush that we get 14:04 is that everyone of your nerve chemicals are your firing, 14:08 your biochemistry is everything has charged, 14:10 you are very present in that moment, 14:12 you're probably more alive 14:13 then you have been in your life. 14:16 I've never had that moment like this since then, 14:18 I've never been in that so real world 14:20 it's just even the sun had its own color, 14:23 you know and I remember walking through the hallways 14:25 at schools at the end of the day 14:27 and I remember the teachers coming out on the hallway, 14:29 they're saying goodbye and kids 14:30 I remember thinking please help me. 14:33 Somebody grab me. 14:34 Yes please, I remember making eye contact with the principles 14:37 and the educators and it is like, 14:39 in case of talking about 14:40 going to a basketball game that night, 14:42 you know, they were gonna go and live their life 14:43 and I remember thinking why couldn't I be with them, 14:45 why couldn't I be normal? 14:47 I don't want to do this but I'm like I can't my life 14:49 I cannot manage this pain anymore. 14:52 And Monday is coming. Monday is coming. 14:55 So I get on the school bus we lived in a rural community, 14:58 the nearest ambulance was 13 miles north of me, 15:01 the nearest ambulance, excuse me, 15:02 hospital is 18 miles south it was nothing 15:04 but woods and cow pastures 15:06 and so there wasn't a lot of people around. 15:09 I knew when I was gonna die, I knew where I was gonna die, 15:11 I knew how I was gonna die. 15:12 So I had it all planned out. 15:14 I got off the school bus, the bus driver said 15:16 have a great weekend and drove away. 15:19 I went inside and I initiated my suicide plan. 15:23 I went into my bedroom I wrote out my suicide note, 15:25 I grabbed my report cards, 15:28 I went into the bathroom I got a drink of water 15:30 I looked at myself in the mirror 15:31 and I'm thinking I'm looking at a dead person, 15:33 I remember looking at my eyes knowing that 15:35 I'm gonna be dead with in the hour. 15:37 I went into where the guns were kept, 15:39 I pulled out a 22 caliber rifle 15:42 people sometimes have made fun of me. 15:43 They've said, why didn't you use a larger gun, 15:45 you really didn't want to die because that was the only gun 15:48 that I can smuggle out of the house. 15:49 If someone had not been home 15:51 I would certainly use the larger gun, 15:53 I mean that was how intent I was. 15:55 So I smuggle this gun into my bedroom, 15:57 I stuffed my suicide note, 15:59 I stuffed the report cards in my breast pocket, 16:02 I put a shirt and tie on 16:03 because I wanted to look nice, 16:04 suicide steals a persons dignity I found 16:07 and then typically I think when people die from suicide 16:09 they always seemed to make a statement. 16:11 I wanted to look nice. 16:14 I started to climb out of a bedroom window. 16:16 If you haven't seen me up until now I want you to see me. 16:19 Yeah, at this point and time 16:21 I could say I knew, when I was gonna die, 16:23 where I was-- had it all planned up. 16:24 The only thing I did not plan out that day 16:26 was there was a Bible sitting on a shelf. 16:28 Somebody along my lifetime had given me a Bible 16:31 and I grab this Bible out impulse 16:33 and said I'm taking it with me. 16:34 This is my lifeline, I'm gonna take this Bible with me. 16:36 I had never really read it, 16:38 really didn't know the things of Gods, 16:39 so I threw it in my coat pocket and climbed up the window 16:42 and I remember running away from my house, 16:45 because I didn't want anybody to stop me. 16:47 And so I ran down this country lane, 16:49 it was about a quarter mile onto the woods 16:50 I climbed a briquette barbwire fence, 16:53 walked into the woods and I sit down next to creek 16:56 and for an hour I tried to woke up the nerve 16:59 to shoot myself to death 17:00 and at the end of this time my will to live blink. 17:03 It was like a game of chicken 17:05 and I remember thinking I can't do this. 17:07 So I unloaded the gun, I started to walk back home 17:09 and then I remember the life from the night before. 17:11 I had told them I would have that report card for the Monday 17:14 and I knew there would be consequences 17:16 because then I would had also told them a lie on top of that. 17:20 So I walk back down to the creek, 17:21 I sat down and tried to opening up the Bible, 17:24 my frame of mind was so spurred 17:26 I couldn't read the words and so I laid it down 17:29 and I remember I entered into a attitude of prayer, 17:31 I distinctly remember saying dear God, 17:33 please send an angel to save me. 17:35 And when I opened up my eyes from that prayer, 17:38 I just imagine one encounter burning bush, 17:40 I just knew that I was so earnest 17:41 of my seeking after God. 17:43 And when I didn't see the burning bush, 17:45 I remember hearing this voice in my ear whispering, 17:47 even God doesn't care about your life pull the trigger. 17:50 So the enemy was so. Yes, it was in my face. 17:53 It literally for seven months it had taunt in my life 17:55 and burned my life down this pathway. 17:57 It was in my face well, you pull the trigger, 17:58 pull the trigger. 18:00 So I loaded the gun, 18:01 I looked up to heaven and laid it right here 18:04 and I reached down with my thumb 18:05 and I prepared to entering the heaven 18:07 and I pulled the trigger with my thumb. 18:10 And what came after the end of that gun 18:14 I was not prepared for that, 18:17 I remember saying it was Gods deemed 18:19 so my mouth before I pulled the trigger, 18:20 it was His name on my mouth as I fell to the ground. 18:24 I felt like-- I felt for sure is gonna wake up in heaven 18:27 but I was wrong. 18:28 You know the force that came out 18:29 I wasn't ready for that, and I was afraid to look down. 18:34 I didn't want to see the damage done 18:38 and after couple of minutes I happen to catch a glimpse of 18:42 I saw a little feathers sticking out of my clothes 18:45 and I was in shock and I remember thinking 18:46 I can go home and put this gun away 18:49 and nobody will know. 18:50 I'll just clean myself, 18:51 and nobody will know the difference. 18:54 Then I notice that I couldn't breath, 18:56 I felt like warm creamy soup filling up my coat. 18:59 I unzip my coat and I look down 19:01 and then I saw the blood and I knew I was gonna die. 19:03 Once a bullet leaves in the end of a gun 19:06 you can't bring it back. 19:07 I had-- suicide had stolen my life, 19:09 that taunting voice I heard said 19:11 pull the trigger had shown me 19:14 that this is what you supposed to do, 19:15 this is the answer to your life suddenly grew quiet. 19:19 There were no more thoughts of-- 19:20 I haven't hate that 'cause when you say 19:22 suddenly grew quiet is that enemy said I'm done here. 19:26 I actually won this battle 19:28 and I literally can leave you to die by yourself. 19:31 It claimed my life. I hate that. 19:32 And I really feel like the strategy of the devil 19:35 is so unfair like that, is like you know 19:38 what I lie to you until you pull the trigger 19:40 and then I'll laugh at you. 19:42 And that just makes me so angry. 19:43 That's the regret. Exactly. 19:44 There was a moment of regret of like 19:46 what have I done. 19:47 I have a-- I remember thinking 19:48 I would take a thousand reasons why? 19:50 I thought suicide was my answer 19:52 if could have my life back the way 19:54 it was before I pulled the trigger. 19:55 And though everything I talked up to this point 19:57 was really kind of unbearable. 19:59 What I unleashed on my life 20:00 could not compare to what I had just done. 20:03 I was gonna die forgotten in these woods. 20:05 I didn't realize that I would be afraid to die alone, 20:08 I didn't realize that I would-- that I was about to suffer 20:10 and or ordeal that still to this day 20:13 I carry with those terrible nightmares, the smells, 20:16 the taste of gunpowder in my mouth, you know. 20:19 And so I'm thinking I have to prepare myself to die 20:22 and these are my last thoughts, 20:24 that I'm gonna die alone in these woods and forgotten. 20:26 And at that moment and time I heard a voice in my ear, 20:29 in my mind I had never heard before 20:31 because not only it calmed me but it encouraged me. 20:36 It simply said to me there are many reason live 20:39 and I remember thinking, you know, 20:41 I would like to grow up one day and be a daddy. 20:43 That's too late I'm gonna die here 20:45 but I want to-- 20:46 That might be the reason. 20:48 I want to just know what a home full of love feels like. 20:53 And so I said I want to be a dad 20:56 and the voice said that's a good reason grow now. 20:59 And so I remember thinking you know 21:01 I'm not gonna die in these woods, 21:03 maybe ill die fighting for my least, 21:05 but at least I'll know I fought dying, 21:08 I died fighting for my life. 21:10 So I remember I try to crawl myself up to feet 21:13 and I started to walk, run out of these woods 21:16 but it kept falling over because of the affects. 21:17 By this time its really starting take affects me 21:19 what I done to myself. 21:23 But this time the voice again once again spoke to me 21:24 and this time it was very firm with me. 21:26 Its kind of reminds me when I have my kids 21:28 bouncing on the bed after several times saying 21:30 listen stop jumping on the bed, first you are real nice. 21:32 Hey guys, stop the jumping on the-- 21:33 You're gonna hurt yourself. 21:34 Yeah, they don't listen so finally, 21:35 you kind of got to be a dad or mom. 21:37 Stop jumping on the bed little more firm 21:39 and they listen to that voice. 21:40 Well, this time again the voice said to me 21:42 that very firm loving crawl. 21:44 So I remember thinking I have a long way to go 21:46 nobody knows where am I-- 21:47 So it's like God is saying focus, 21:49 you have to focus right now. 21:51 You cannot stop right now. 21:52 Yeah, because I mean, I'm in the woods, 21:55 there's nobody knows I'm gone. 21:57 I mean, I'm quarter of a mile away from help 22:01 and so I remember I start crawling, 22:03 and there's been times in my life 22:04 I felt like my body was bouncing off the ground. 22:07 I mean, I barely had the strength 22:09 laying there in fetal position or sitting breathe 22:11 why don't you get through these words. 22:13 When I woke up in the intensive care unit 22:15 I asked them why I couldn't I open my left eye, 22:17 they said because your face was traumatize being dragged 22:20 across the ground to the rocks and the briars. 22:23 And I believe, I don't remember how I got out into this field 22:26 but I remember something waking up in this field 22:29 and I believe that God didn't answer my prayer 22:30 and He sent an angel to save me. 22:33 You know, so I'm in this field and I went into the woods 22:38 with this pretty blue powder coat 22:40 with some of the color shirt 22:41 I'm wearing now 22:42 and happen to catch a glimpse of myself. 22:45 You know, I hear the story of the crucifixion in the whips 22:50 and what they did, you know, to our Savior 22:52 and I just there's blood everywhere 22:54 and then mud and briars that's suicide 22:57 that's the real monster, you know I'm dying. 22:59 There was nothing attractive. 23:00 There was nothing attractive about. 23:02 It showed me pie in the sky 23:04 and there were romanticism of it 23:05 but the real nature-- 23:06 There gonna find you just lay down just nice. 23:09 Yeah, all nice but the reality of it was it stolen my life. 23:14 So again the voices call for help 23:17 and I remember thinking nobody is going to-- 23:19 I remember arguing within there's nobody around me 23:22 how are they gonna hear me. 23:24 And so I was like a at this point-- 23:25 They haven't heard me my whole life. 23:27 My whole life I've been screaming out 23:30 and you are saying call out now 23:31 and I know that that's ridiculous. 23:32 There's nobody around me. And He is saying call out. 23:36 So what I didn't know was on the one 23:38 in my own life God was working, 23:40 but He was also working on an another level 23:42 that I could not see, 23:44 you know so I started calling out for help. 23:46 And what He do is He alert my little brother 23:47 who was the hero of the day, who was sitting on a couch 23:50 and he felt this urgent need to come stack firewood. 23:53 He felt this pulling on his shirt 23:55 and so he ran out of the house and he didn't even bundle up, 23:59 he just knew he had to go stack firewood in the woods. 24:01 And so he came running down and he stacks firewood 24:03 and to stack the firewood and he finds me 24:06 and I remember that's the first time 24:07 I ever had to admit anybody that I shot myself on purpose. 24:11 I said, I shot myself go get help. 24:13 And so I had-- he went and got my grandfather 24:15 and my grandfather came down and at that point 24:17 I had all I had was time on my hands to think, 24:20 there's nothing more than I can do. 24:22 You know the EMS people were coming. 24:24 And so I remember thinking to myself 24:26 if I survive this one I'm never gonna do this again. 24:29 I valued my life and life is truly a gift 24:33 and typically we take things of value for granted 24:37 until they start of losing them. 24:38 You know, when we're feeling healthy 24:41 we have a tendency to take our health 24:42 for granted until we are sick. 24:43 When we're sick we thinking 24:44 I wish I could have my health back. 24:46 Well, people who are contemplating suicide 24:48 if they would think that for a moment 24:49 that there may be the moment when life and death collide, 24:52 when they think I wish I could have my life back. 24:55 And so I wanted my life back 24:57 and so the police and the EMS people arrive. 25:00 And I remember the police officer 25:01 looking down at my face and said who did this to you? 25:04 And I said I did this, sir. 25:06 You know and he shook his head he walked away from me 25:08 and I remember thinking he's gonna leave me to die. 25:11 You know, and so they package me 25:12 up in the paramedics are there and I asked them 25:15 I said please promise me that I'm not gonna die. 25:17 And the medics said I'm not gonna promise-- 25:20 he said to me I'm gonna promise to try to keep you alive 25:23 and that's how bad I was going. 25:27 For several months this is what I thought I wanted 25:29 but here I'm begging these paramedics keep real, 25:32 please don't let me die. 25:33 And you know, what's really got to me 25:36 Jim, as you are speaking is that the voice 25:40 that tormented you all of that six months 25:42 or all of that time prior as the planning stage 25:45 the voice is no longer there and now I can hear God 25:48 and I can hear my own thoughts. 25:50 And so it's incredible to know that if I turn it over 25:54 and really ask to silence that voice. 25:57 Yeah. That you chose life. 25:59 It was clear as day, it was a sense of 26:02 I want to live my life as a gift. 26:03 This is the truth, this is hope. 26:05 You know love faith and hope are more powerful 26:07 than the weapons of the enemy. 26:09 You know, I mean that had more power over that 26:12 what gun did to my life and just a hope of life, 26:15 the gift of life and love I mean at that time 26:18 I wasn't a father, you know, I'm today 26:20 but it was the future love of the promise 26:23 of knowing that one day, 26:24 you know, I had spoken my heart desire. 26:26 I didn't want to grow up and be, 26:27 you know, rich and famous 26:28 and that I wanted to be a daddy. 26:30 I wanted to give love to somebody else, 26:31 that was my hearts desire. 26:32 And that's what God honored in my life 26:34 and that had more power than what the monster 26:37 and want the enemy had been showing me. 26:40 And so I was able to survive that 26:42 and you know I had-- the bullet came out 26:45 and missed my heart valve by quarter of an inch. 26:48 It went inside, they still left 26:49 the part of the fragment inside of me. 26:51 You know, the surgeons said 26:52 it was too close for you-- for me to remove it 26:55 because I would have risk paralyzing you. 26:58 And God really He was there that day. 27:01 You know, my whole life He was my Good Samaritan. 27:04 You know He came running to me. 27:06 You know, He demonstrated His love to my life. 27:08 I was some forgotten teenager that felt abuse 27:11 and neglected his whole life invisible to the world 27:14 but God I cared to God. 27:15 All of heaven says, you know, 27:17 you have not been an invisible to us. 27:19 So you are on the way to the hospital, 27:21 knowing that this is serious 27:23 that you could lose your life even yet 27:25 and now you're trying to hold on. 27:26 Yes, you know I'm fighting for my life 27:30 there's periods of-- I'm blacking out. 27:33 They wheel me into the trauma room 27:36 and I can remember being in trauma room 27:38 and in and out of focus-- I have just, 27:41 I have unusual thoughts of memories 27:45 that I don't live-- I know I lost my life 27:47 at that some-- at some point in time. 27:50 I went nearly two hours out surgery 27:52 and I remember hearing them opening up the chest tubes 27:54 and these surgical instruments clinging around, 27:57 you know and I knew that either "A" 28:00 I was gonna indeed wake up in heaven or "B" 28:02 I was gonna wake up upstairs in hospital 28:04 in the next 30 minutes. 28:06 This is where it comes down to either 28:08 any of these surgeons are gonna keep me alive 28:10 or indeed suicide to claim my life. 28:13 And they started cutting into me 28:14 and I have the memories of that. 28:15 And again that's the nature of suicide. 28:19 The next thing I knew, I wake up alive, 28:22 you know, I'm alive, I overcame all that. 28:25 You know the God was merciful, He heard my prayer, 28:29 you know and the thief had 28:31 come to kill and destroy my life 28:32 but God came that I may have life 28:34 and life abundantly. 28:36 But you know it's really interesting 28:37 because I feel like that moment 28:40 when you wake up and that moment 28:41 where you thinking of what, 28:43 I have been given this incredible gift now. 28:46 So once of looking at this almost this tragedy 28:49 that I have to live is like this gift of life. 28:52 And I just want to say thank you. 28:54 I wanted to embrace that, you know, 28:56 the sense of you know this is my life, 28:58 this is my gift however suddenly 29:01 I had a inherited a new reality. 29:04 I was just 16-year-old boy 29:05 that had purposely picked up a rifle 29:07 and shot himself in the middle of the chest. 29:09 And people struggle to say the words suicide. 29:12 Well, I became the whipping board of suicide. 29:15 You know I was called all kinds of names. 29:18 I was broken, I was a coward and people offered me advice 29:22 on how to shoot myself the next time. 29:25 I remember trying to join the army. 29:26 You became a joke? 29:27 Yes, ridiculed, laughter, 29:29 you know for months nobody would help me, 29:31 but they were quick to come out and call me a name, 29:34 you know, offered me advice again how to take my life. 29:39 And so trying and I tried to join the military 29:41 and then they say well, you're broken, 29:44 you're exempt from service, you can't-- 29:46 you know, we don't want you. 29:47 They weren't there when I was hurting for months 29:50 I didn't want that for my life. 29:51 I thought that was my only 29:53 but in the-- the Spirit of God 29:55 and the joy of living been able to overcome all that, 29:59 you know and I realize my heart says dreams today 30:01 and that's working reaching other people 30:03 may be contemplating suicide, I call them my friends. 30:06 But, you know, let's talk about that a little bit 30:08 because you know you chose to live 30:11 and not only chose to live but look at the stats 30:14 and what is the issue out there and how many people like you? 30:18 Tell us some of the stuff that you've learned since them. 30:21 Suicide is an epidemic without a voice, 30:23 you know, typically all epidemics have a voice, 30:25 suicide does not. 30:27 The World Health Organization says 30:28 that every day 3,000 people take their life. 30:31 Everyday-- every 30 seconds someone 30:33 around the world is talking their life. 30:34 I've always said that people don't die from suicide 30:36 because they're like hope 30:38 I feel that you die from suicide 30:39 because they've put their hope in death, 30:41 hope that death will set me free 30:42 from whatever reasons why I hurt. 30:44 Every 30 seconds someone takes their life. 30:47 For every successful suicide 30:49 there is 20 to 25 people trying to take their life, 30:52 so 65,000 people globally are trying to take their life. 30:56 I think suicide is a thermostat. 30:58 At this moment. At this moment. 30:59 Today there will be 3,000 people 31:01 that will take their life. 31:02 I mean every day here in United States 31:04 20 to 25 veterans take their life 31:07 just veterans alone. 31:09 One in, every one in 12 teenagers 31:12 in the United States has a suicide plan, 31:16 one and six will actually attempt the act. 31:20 But you know what but one of the things 31:22 that you said that that I just feel like 31:24 is so powerful is that 31:26 because they have put the hope in death rather than in life, 31:31 because of whatever's come against them, 31:34 you know, that this is a slow seduction into a lie 31:37 that has now captivated them, that's what my hope is. 31:41 Yes, I think if-- my believe is to inspire people-- 31:46 inform people inspire them. 31:47 Inform them that listen, 31:49 when the moment when life and death collide 31:51 you may very well encounter the same regrets that I did. 31:53 So many people are dying from suicide. 31:55 Certainly my experience wasn't limited to just me. 31:59 I know there's been other people have taken their life 32:00 that experience, that moment of I shouldn't have done that. 32:03 A friend of mine, and I love him, 32:06 I miss him so much 32:07 but he stepped in front of a train 32:09 and the last moment the conductor said no, 32:11 I don't think it was a suicide 32:12 because he desperately tried to get off the track 32:15 and it was that moment, 32:16 but he couldn't make it off the track. 32:18 He's been seduce the same thing that seduced my life. 32:21 It had stolen my life 32:24 and then to inspire people to live, 32:27 you know, I wanted to see people fall in love 32:29 with the joy of living again. 32:30 Life is for to living, it really is a gift. 32:32 So how did you do that? 32:33 Because that, you know, you say that 32:35 but that's not an easy journey 32:36 to fight against all of the lies 32:38 that you've bought, all of the lies 32:39 that you have kind of got up every morning 32:42 and it motivated you to get through the day 32:45 and now you got to confront those. 32:46 That's true. 32:47 The value-- I believe you had the pain 32:50 that death equals-- pain equals death 32:53 or life has value. 32:54 I believe our life value exceeds 32:56 greatly the pain of death, 32:59 you know and if you can focus on reasons for living. 33:02 You know, it was my desire to grow up 33:03 and be a dad for me that was important. 33:05 That was more powerful and that got me to rise up 33:07 out of that feel position and go live my life. 33:10 I tell people to count blessings. 33:12 You'll find one reason to live today. 33:14 You know, find something that you can hold fast to 33:17 and that's hope redirect your hope from death back to life. 33:22 Encourage people to go get help, 33:23 go get counseling, 33:24 find out why-- where your life went off the track. 33:27 If somebody doesn't listen to you make sure 33:29 that you find someone else, 33:31 keep saying it keep talking, keep doing that. 33:34 We're gonna open up for questions 33:35 because I know that people are gonna have 33:37 questions in the cafe. 33:38 Open up for questions and then we get back on some questions 33:41 that I have for you. 33:42 Okay, Jonathon, I know that you know 33:48 you're a teen self so what about the issue 33:51 as far as your friends and some people 33:53 that you know what's-- can you relate to anything 33:57 that he has talking about today? 33:59 Yes, Jim, my name is Jonathon Dixon. 34:01 I'm from California 34:03 and I'm a sophomore in college right now. 34:06 And I've had about two friends 34:09 that I know that actually attempt to suicide 34:12 and both of them for one of them 34:14 I came after the failed attempt 34:17 and another one I was able to come into the room 34:19 when they were doing it, 34:20 and I remember just asking them 34:23 why do you want this so much? 34:25 And their answer seemed to be 34:27 they just didn't seem to feel that 34:29 there was purpose for the next day. 34:31 And I know there's many, many teens, I even myself 34:34 I remember it was a time when I thought 34:35 I wasn't sure what my purpose. 34:37 I wasn't sure where my talents where valued. 34:40 You know, what would be my purpose? 34:42 I'm not good enough to be a star on TV, 34:45 I don't feel like I'm better than 34:47 the person sitting next to me. 34:49 What is my purpose? 34:50 And I'm just wondering what-- 34:52 when was it when or after the event 34:55 that you found what your purpose was 34:58 or where did you find your purpose? 35:00 That's a good question. 35:01 It took some time for me to find 35:04 I guess my purpose. 35:06 I had originally-- my life mapped out 35:08 I guess normal for young folks. 35:11 I wanted to join the military 35:13 and then I wanted to be a police officer 35:14 that was always my goal. 35:15 And then the suicide barred all that for me. 35:18 I tried 25 times to be a policemen, 35:21 25 times I was rejected. 35:23 They don't know there was always the suicide 35:25 but it always as question, 35:28 have you ever attempted suicide in the past 35:30 or have you ever been hospitalized for depression? 35:31 And then so I was like yeah, you know, 35:33 I of course I can't lie about that scars are on in me 35:37 but I knew that I wanted to help people with suicide. 35:40 I knew that my life had been given back to me, 35:42 I haven given a tremendous gift. 35:44 I felt I was a steward, my life didn't belong to me 35:47 but I was a steward of my life. 35:50 And so I wanted to honor God with my life, 35:53 and I knew that I knew 35:54 how to speak to people on that level. 35:57 Like your friends in that situations 35:58 I knew by opening up a Bible my own experience 36:02 it would help them and I always thought 36:03 it would give glory to God because you know there was-- 36:06 my story is not so much about one empty grave, 36:07 it's about two empty graves. 36:09 It's about the grave at Calvary and that's empty. 36:11 What He did for my life and I wanted to help people 36:14 but its taken 25 years to reach the point 36:17 where I could feel comfortable talking 36:20 and saying to people is my name is Jim, 36:22 I'm survivor of the suicide attempt. 36:24 And it's been most of life with a clock over my head 36:26 hiding from people afraid that they would see my scars 36:30 and ask me, you know, 36:31 how did you get that nasty hole in the middle of your chest? 36:34 But its not-- I believe a life 36:37 growing and growing to it almost. 36:39 So I love the fact that you said 36:40 you found you purpose and actually saying 36:42 how can I help the people around me? 36:45 You know even in any kind of 12 step program 36:49 if you really do a program of recovery 36:52 well, the 12 step is go tell someone 36:54 whatever it is that you have figured out 36:56 in your life reach out to the next person. 37:00 Will you talk about Jonathon and I love this 37:02 when you talk about right now 37:05 we are so disconnected as a society 37:08 that if you get that in any level 37:10 and just say we're gonna connect 37:12 not on Facebook, not in gaming 37:14 but we're gonna go rock climbing 37:15 and we're gonna go out and do this 37:17 or we're gonna play music and jam together, 37:18 we're gonna do whatever 37:20 and we start to connecting with each other 37:22 that's a purpose in life, 37:24 because people are dying because they feel invisible 37:26 and that's what you're saying 37:27 is I felt invisible my whole life. 37:30 You know, we have another question 37:31 I know that Karen, you had the question. 37:33 Yes, Jim, my name is Karen Owen, 37:37 and I have had depressed moments in life 37:40 where I you know felt like doing that 37:42 but I just felt like I couldn't 37:45 because it would be victory for the other side not for me. 37:51 I was wondering you didn't say 37:52 anything about any religious up bringing in that, 37:54 how did you know it was God that was prompting you 37:58 and moving you in such a direction? 38:02 That's a good question. 38:04 First I give all the glory to Him. 38:06 I mean He was obvious He knew 38:08 what was gonna happen long before that ever happened. 38:11 And so He brought servants into my life 38:13 that were faithful. 38:14 I was drawn to the things kind of-- 38:17 we went to church three times when I was growing up 38:18 we went to I think on a Easter Sunday, 38:20 we went to a funeral and a wedding 38:21 that was about the extent of my experience growing 38:26 but there were people 38:27 who were faithful in their walk with Lord 38:30 and somebody made sure that I had a Bible 38:33 and I don't remember that person that, 38:34 you know, that gave that to me. 38:35 You know when like Ten Commandments were on 38:37 I was always glued not because it was interesting 38:40 it is such a spirit in that movie 38:42 that I just felt drawn to. 38:43 If I heard Christian radio 38:45 I would kind of turn an ear to it. 38:47 I was being drawn. 38:50 You know, it's a God before I ever knew God. 38:52 I love when you said that for whatever reason 38:54 you walk out the door with a gun 38:56 and you see the Bible that was given to you 38:58 and you grab it kind of-- to depressed to even read it 39:01 but it prompted you and then pray. 39:03 On one hand I had a weapon 39:06 that was meant to destroy my life, 39:07 in the other hand I had a love letter 39:08 written to me from God. 39:10 It was meant to save your life. 39:11 Yeah, save my life. That's incredible. 39:13 So you know I have to ask you 39:15 is that we talked about nutrition on this thing 39:19 and that Jesus saying that "I am the bread of life." 39:22 So what was the step that it took to get you 39:24 into actually reading the Bible 39:27 and looking all of that connecting with God. 39:29 What did that look like for you? 39:31 I felt like it was my Father. 39:33 I honestly it was a time of excitement 39:38 I knew that God had-- 39:40 it was like my road to Damascus. 39:41 I knew that God had done that for me. 39:44 You know, the rest of the world may have not 39:46 but if I was the only believer in this world 39:49 I would know that there's a-- 39:50 You know, I think that you'll understand 39:52 this more than a lot of people, 39:54 when I came off the 10 years of homelessness 39:56 and that God I felt like 39:58 He kissed me on the face every morning. 40:00 I felt like it's like He can't wait to wake us up. 40:03 Like you know I could see that in your life, 40:05 I gave you this life 40:06 and I can't wait to show you today 40:08 what the joy of that gift was. 40:12 He really was it-- I found myself enter the word, 40:16 you know, all I met that you know 40:17 I had my 20's things fell apart. 40:19 You know, I have some health problems 40:21 as a result of surviving that. 40:22 You know, then I had to inherit this world 40:24 of the name calling and being that person 40:27 and I fell into my late 20's I was homeless. 40:30 You know, so but God has been faithful in all of that even 40:33 when I walked away from Him, He was still there. 40:35 He didn't walk away from me, I walked away from Him 40:38 and He's always been faithful to me 40:40 and I know that He saved my life. 40:41 I know He saved my spirit but He saved my life. 40:44 So you are now you are dead? Yes. 40:48 So talk about that a little bit that's pretty awesome. 40:50 Yeah, I love some of the great joys in life 40:54 is wrestling with stuffed animals. 40:55 We have-- my kids don't just go to bed 40:57 there's like a half hour long process 40:59 that they get tucked in you know I mean-- 41:01 We laugh together. 41:02 We laugh together, 41:03 there's lots of life in my home. 41:05 They don't that psycho they don't go to bed 41:09 knowing that any moment 41:11 that there someone's gonna break the door down 41:12 and dragged them out their bed 41:13 and called them the meanie names. 41:15 You know, I just felt like that the weight of all that 41:18 was stopped by the power of God. 41:20 So even the generational things, 41:21 the things that you could have 41:22 passed onto them, you have not. 41:24 I have not. That's incredible. 41:27 And that's incredible to have somebody 41:29 that's watching just know that, 41:31 you know, all of that sadness, 41:32 all of that trauma, all of that abuse 41:35 that literally you can start to come out of that 41:38 and say I don't know how I'm gonna trust you, 41:40 but I'm gonna trust you 41:41 even when I stumble around with my life. 41:43 That's a choice, it comes that we ultimately 41:46 we have our own-- you know 41:47 it was my choice to pull that trigger. 41:49 It was my choice to make those plans. 41:51 It was my choice to call towards life. 41:52 It was my choice to ask God to intervene. 41:55 And likewise I think if there is this generational things 41:58 if it's a parent that went through 42:00 those abusive things in their home 42:01 and they have responsibility that their children 42:03 they didn't ask to be born, 42:05 they have to make a choice that, 42:06 you know, something I'm not-- 42:07 I know how bad things can be it stops right her. 42:10 I'm drawing the line in the sand 42:11 my kids are not going to experience that. 42:14 Even if I need to get help, 42:15 if I need to call them the troops 42:17 I'm making this choice. 42:18 That's right, they didn't ask to be born. 42:20 And so they-- 42:21 we have a responsibility as moms and dads 42:24 to take ownership of our own things 42:27 and I take our ownership and they say here 42:28 give it to a little child and say here 42:30 you deal with this. 42:32 You know, I just got to say that, 42:35 you know, I just want to smile at God 42:36 and tell Him to thank you for your very life, 42:39 for your very hope today. 42:41 We're gonna go head and take a break 42:42 and come back and close out the program. 42:45 I'd like you to come back and talk to anybody 42:48 that's maybe watching that is suicidal 42:50 and what would you say to them 42:52 and how would you pray for them, 42:55 even if you could close in prayer. 42:56 Well, we're gonna be right back. 42:58 I'm so proud of God, it's just ridiculous cool 43:01 that in the mist of our craziness, 43:03 in the mist of our sadness, in the mist of our pains, 43:05 so if you are in pain I get all that. 43:08 But in the mist of all that if we stop believing one life, 43:11 we stop believing the devils himself, 43:13 but we stop listening to all this torments 43:15 that the Holy Spirit has time to say 43:17 you know what, I hope for you 43:19 and I know who you are and I have a plan 43:22 and its not to cause you harm 43:23 its to give you hope and a future. 43:25 We will be right back, stay with us. |
Revised 2015-01-29