Participants: Cheri Peters (Host), Verism Barker
Series Code: CLR
Program Code: CLR000125B
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00:01 The following program discusses sensitivity issues
00:03 related to addictive behavior. 00:05 Parents are cautioned that some material 00:06 may be too candid for younger children. 00:13 Welcome back to Celebrating Life. 00:15 We are talking about just loving each other, 00:18 mentorship, grace, 00:20 how do we kind of fit in that relationship 00:23 where we start to change and does God feel the same way? 00:27 Is when we start realizing how much He loves us, 00:30 we start to change in that relationship 00:32 and I'm just crazy about it. 00:35 If God was here, like I've said it million times 00:37 I would kiss Him all over the face 00:38 and just say thank You. 00:40 And so, I want to say hi to you, Verism, 00:44 and I want to just say 00:45 that we talked a lot on the phone 00:48 about another guest that was coming on 00:50 and while we were talking, I fell in love with you. 00:54 Thank you. Thank you. You are welcome. 00:56 And so to me I'd like to have you introduce yourself to us 01:01 but from the beginning like where you from and I want, 01:06 I think I want them to fall in love with you 01:07 in the same way I did. 01:09 Well, I'm Verism Barker. 01:11 I'm originally from South America, 01:13 from Guyana. 01:14 But in reference to what you're saying, 01:17 I am a writer, I am an educator 01:20 and I have had the privilege of working with people 01:23 who needed me. 01:25 I went to South Carolina, I don't know why, 01:29 but I got there and discovered 01:30 that I could actually meet people 01:34 who needed to be employed. 01:37 And I started a janitorial company, 01:40 largely because nobody was employing them. 01:42 So you are talking about there were people 01:44 that you looked at and they said 01:45 because of their background and because of who they are, 01:47 nobody is given them a chance. 01:49 They were excluded. Right. 01:50 Excluded from being employed and so I started this company 01:54 and met some of the most beautiful women 01:58 who sadly, I mean they had several children 02:04 and unfortunately they had no jobs. 02:06 So I started the company and then as I worked with them, 02:09 I realized that they were undereducated as well. 02:14 Yeah, and that wasn't your background 02:16 because you said, you were educated, 02:19 you were writer all that kind of stuff. 02:20 So I want to go back to, were you always a writer? 02:24 I mean, you know, 02:25 where did all of that come from? 02:26 Yes I... 02:28 And why do you have such a big heart? 02:30 I have to say that I was always a writer, 02:32 I've been, I won my first essay 02:34 like I told you when I was eight years old. 02:36 But I come from a country 02:38 that in which we had no televisions. 02:40 So reading was my entertainment. 02:44 And I always read and I guess I had the wildest imagination, 02:47 I always wrote and that followed me, 02:50 I became a writer, I became a journalist, 02:52 a publisher and that's my business. 02:55 So when I was in, 02:57 so when I came to South Carolina, 02:59 I started this program 03:02 which I took at the Seventh-day Adventist church. 03:05 Grammar and writing skills... 03:07 'Cause you're not Adventist, right? 03:08 I'm not Adventist. Okay. 03:09 And I was going to be accepted. 03:11 Why did you choose Adventist church? 03:12 'Cause I'm Adventist. 03:14 Because I shopped in the program around, 03:15 I do not shop as in the sense of looking for money. 03:18 But I felt because there were so many people 03:20 in this specific geographical area 03:22 that was so in need. 03:25 I figured well, going to the churches 03:27 because, you know, everybody goes to church, 03:30 I would meet more people. 03:31 But unfortunately, 03:33 most of them didn't buy the idea. 03:36 And the one church that took me 03:38 was the Seventh-day Adventist church. 03:39 Get on them. 03:41 So I... 03:42 there was a program that they were conducting to 03:44 and they took my writing and my grammar. 03:50 Okay. 03:51 Which is what I did everyday with these women. 03:54 For these women. 03:55 So trying to educate them, 03:57 trying to get them working in their job, right? 04:01 And when I talked about Marcia and Marcia coming into my life 04:05 and just loving me into my own skin, 04:08 I thought about you. 04:12 Yes, and I met several women 04:14 who I ended up becoming their Marcia. 04:19 You know, so many of them had so many deep stories 04:24 that they wanted to tell. 04:26 And they wanted it to be heard 04:27 because they felt that it would be healing 04:30 and mentoring for others 04:32 who had gone through what they went through. 04:34 Can I and I never, you know, I don't know why 04:37 but I just never got to ask my mom or Marcia this, why? 04:44 It's not easy to love us. 04:46 It's not easy to reach into somebody's life 04:48 that is inconsistent, they're acting out, 04:51 they don't know how to respond, 04:52 I don't know how to like, you love me. 04:54 I don't know how to trust, what was that like 04:57 and why did you fight to do that? 05:00 It was difficult. 05:02 It was difficult, yes. You say that so nice. 05:04 I'll be honest it was difficult. 05:06 But I realize that a lot of the pushing away 05:09 wasn't because they wanted to push back. 05:12 A lot of them were scared 05:14 because receiving love was not something that they... 05:18 and I don't think I have the biggest heart. 05:20 But I just felt for me to reach them, 05:23 we have to communicate some hope. 05:26 And in doing that, you know, we meshed... 05:30 Yeah. 05:31 Some of them decided they didn't want the program, 05:34 other stayed and, It didn't work. 05:40 'Cause at sometimes, 05:41 at sometimes they will be angry at you, 05:45 they will lie to you, they'll not show up, 05:47 I mean all of those had things. 05:48 Look I had a lot of that, 05:50 I had a lot of that especially with working... 05:52 Yeah. 05:54 Lots of them after the first check 05:55 wouldn't show up, 05:57 you know, during the work day I would not get a call, 06:00 some people would not show up for work, 06:02 so it was tough. 06:04 But I felt like if I am gonna change it, 06:07 if I am really gonna make a difference. 06:08 I've already started this and I know the need 06:12 and I know, after a while I kind of knew who they were. 06:15 I knew they wanted to change 06:16 but because it was something so different to them. 06:20 So, you know, what's really tough 06:21 when I'm listening to you, Verism, 06:23 I want to, you know, 06:25 I want to look at the camera and just say please, 06:27 if you get this at all, 06:29 if you realize that you could mentor someone 06:32 or you could step into someone's life, 06:33 please do it. 06:34 And it's not easy, it's not anything, 06:36 in the midst of all of the stuff 06:38 that you are doing, trying to get someone employed, 06:40 educated, to be able to receive love 06:43 or just to heal from some of that stuff. 06:45 In the midst of that you have some medical problem. 06:48 Yes. So talk about that. 06:49 Because, you know, when you make a commitment 06:52 to step into someone's life, 06:54 it doesn't mean that everything in your life stops. 06:56 You are still dealing with whatever. 06:58 And a lot of, a lot of people seem to think 07:02 because I was pushing so hard, 07:03 trying to get people to work and go against who they where, 07:08 that's why I became ill. 07:09 In 2009 I suffered a brain aneurysm. 07:12 And I was in the intensive care unit 07:16 for three weeks. 07:18 When I came out it took me approximately a year, 07:23 before I could have really gotten back to myself. 07:26 Yes, I want to talk about that, 07:28 'cause for some people that haven't had, 07:30 like I just got bucked of a horse 07:32 and was knocked out for 07:34 I don't know how long, didn't remember. 07:36 The ambulance rider showing up at the hospital 07:38 and even at the hospital 07:40 the first person I met was my neurosurgeon. 07:42 He said, "Hi, my name is... 07:43 I'm your neurosurgeon." 07:45 And so I had a bleed between the right and left hemisphere. 07:48 I didn't hardly remember my name. 07:51 So I want you to talk about... 07:52 My frontal lobe, I'm told my frontal lobe was blown. 07:55 Yeah. 07:56 I actually have a coil right now in my brain, 08:00 it was called the coiling system. 08:02 And you feel lethargic after, I was lethargic, 08:07 I know for at least six months 08:10 and even the business that I'm talking about, 08:12 that's how that it suffered. 08:14 Because I couldn't get back into it. 08:17 But I still kept in touch and I kept a lot of it going. 08:20 It was not as vibrant as it was. 08:23 But that illness is very, it could be debilitating. 08:28 So I think, 08:30 that's when I realize the stuff that you went through, 08:33 at the same time you're trying to love 08:36 and bring life into someone else. 08:39 Who mentored you, who was your strength? 08:42 My mom. My mom. Okay, in what way? 08:46 My mow was a teacher by profession 08:49 but she never stopped when she was home. 08:52 So we felt her strength 08:54 and we felt her desire to keep us educated 08:56 and to keep us on the right track. 08:59 You know, she always taught is 09:02 if you have a loaf of bread, half of it only is yours. 09:06 The other half, make sure that you share it. 09:08 Wow. 09:09 So it was never a problem for me to give. 09:12 I'm not going to say I was never selfish. 09:15 I was selfish, 09:16 I mean I know the times when I was selfish. 09:17 And I was also judgmental even though that was something 09:19 that she taught us not to be. 09:22 What did that look like in your life in the judgmental stuff 09:25 and how, you had to surrender some of that 09:27 if you're working with Adventist folks. 09:29 I came to this country, I'm in 30, several years ago. 09:34 And I came as a student and it always shocked me 09:39 that as I was on my way to school 09:41 I saw so many people who weren't going... 09:43 Just hanging out. Yeah. Just chilling. 09:45 And so I said, you know, I figured well, 09:47 I mean really 09:49 and then especially the ones who would ask me for a dollar. 09:52 I would be like well, you know, 09:53 I'm going to work and when I'm done, 09:55 I have to go and catch eight hours of class 09:57 because I want to be able to not to ask for a dollar. 10:00 So I was very critical and... 10:03 It's... 10:04 but I love when you say that 'cause it's really tough, 10:06 'cause I've been on both sides of that where, 10:09 you know, man I, it's non stop, just trying to get on my feet. 10:14 And, you know, you got to just do something. 10:16 But that taught me, It taught me too, 10:18 I mean over the years 10:19 and I think age is really wisdom 10:21 and maturity like that. 10:23 It taught me enough because they're asking, 10:25 it means that they have a golden spirit. 10:27 I learned especially from the ladies 10:29 I mentioned and men. 10:30 There were men on my crew as well 10:32 that there was some nurturing damage 10:35 that took them where they were. 10:37 Exactly. 10:38 So they were not willfully deviants... 10:42 Right. Right. Or degenerate. 10:44 So but let me just say, 'cause it's really interesting 10:46 'cause there's a reason to everybody's where they are 10:48 but I never got the person that said, 10:51 "You know what, are you kidding me? 10:52 I'm like tired and working hard." 10:55 And then the other person that says, 10:57 "I never learned to dare to dream 10:59 or dare to even expect anything from the world around me." 11:02 And so when you said just chilling, 11:04 that's I would be there. 11:05 I didn't expect to make it. I didn't expect to be accepted. 11:09 I didn't expect to have anything to offer 11:11 and so I kind of stepped out. 11:13 But... 11:15 But there is this compassion that you receive and think, 11:18 when you get older, 11:21 you're taught not to be judgmental. 11:23 I mean you receive that, you were told in the home. 11:25 But then as you grow older 11:27 and you get into society and stuff, 11:30 you then you get the lessons you were being taught. 11:32 So it taught me then that, okay, 11:34 there must be a reason 11:35 why year after year people will be here, 11:38 they're not moving forward. 11:39 Yeah. It has to be more than that. 11:41 So I need to sit back and get away from myself. 11:46 And stop thinking that I'm the example 11:48 and let me start looking at how I can give back. 11:51 And that started years ago at Brooklyn 11:53 when I lived in New York 11:55 and I worked with high school kids 11:57 and then I went to like the shelters 12:00 and worked with women who wanted to work, 12:03 who wanted to be taught but they were never 12:07 because of who they had become. 12:09 They were not afforded those opportunities. 12:11 And so that took me from state to state, 12:13 every state I lived in, I found a place. 12:16 Where you could get, 12:18 and as you're taking I remember again 12:20 why I fell in love with you. 12:22 Thank you. 12:23 But, you know, even saying that transition for you 12:27 when you said that, you know, I'm realizing that, you know, 12:31 you can step in and, you know, 12:33 there is a writer Ellen White and she said, 12:36 "Only by love is love awakened." 12:38 And the first time I read that, 12:40 I thought only by love is love awakened. 12:43 We can't change outside of that and so I want to say again, 12:49 as we mentor each other 12:50 and as we step into that world of mentoring someone, 12:54 we wake that desire for change in them 12:57 and God does that for us, 12:58 but we actually do that for someone else. 13:00 I could see that only by love is love awakened. 13:03 I mean if you don't know how to love 13:05 and you're now learning, you're now giving it, 13:07 that's how you'll see it and that's how you start. 13:10 learning using it, you know, I can see how that's relevant. 13:14 So the aneurysm takes you out for a bit, 13:18 how did you stand back up? 13:20 That should be a year. 13:22 I remember in my house, my office is upstairs 13:27 and I was unable to walk steadily for a while 13:32 and I remember one day 13:33 I got up, I said I'm going up to my office. 13:37 And it took me because my back, you know, the epidural 13:42 and all that to get into my back, 13:44 so my muscles were on the stiff side. 13:46 You know, braced against the wall 13:47 and took myself up 14 treadles up to my office. 13:52 When I got up there, turned on my computer, 13:55 I didn't even remember what to do, 13:57 how to, you know, it came up, the screen came up. 14:00 And I sat there for a while and I didn't leave, 14:04 I know I didn't cry. 14:06 Yeah. Right. But I was so frustrated. 14:08 Because I said, you know, I'm seeing it 14:11 and I'm reading what's up there and I couldn't get it started. 14:15 And I did that later on that day 14:17 and like two days after 14:20 I was able to get back into the groove 14:23 of doing what I used to do but it took a while, 14:26 the better part of a year. 14:28 So can I ask you, 14:31 if someone that's right now discourage and saying, 14:34 you know, what? 14:36 I am done, you know, 14:38 everything that I knew what I was doing, 14:40 everything that I could do, 14:41 everything that I could count on is gone. 14:45 What would you say to them 14:46 'cause I imagined in front of the computer you felt that, 14:49 it's like, you know, what am I doing? 14:51 How am I gonna get my life back? 14:52 You know there is a inner strength that we have, 14:55 that we don't really remember 14:57 especially when we are into throes 14:59 of that kind of disorientation. 15:01 We tend to think that that's the end. 15:06 There is this push that you feel. 15:11 It might be a sense of pride, 15:12 but there was no way I was going out like that. 15:15 I had to write, I had stories up there. 15:18 I mean, I'm a journalist, I'm a writer, 15:19 I had things that I had started 15:21 that were on that they needed to be done. 15:24 I couldn't think of anybody else to do it but me. 15:27 So I had to get it done. 15:28 You know, there is, I think one of the writers 15:32 that help me survive is writer name Frankl 15:35 and he wrote a book 15:37 called "Man's Search for Meaning" 15:39 and this guy is in concentration camps 15:41 and totally lost and just about that 15:45 and he remember that he didn't write his book yet. 15:49 It reminded me exactly of what you said. 15:51 He said I can't die yet. 15:52 I haven't written this book and it helped him survive 15:55 that whole thing and the book is brilliant. 15:58 So what were you saying is... 15:59 But I remember the people who worked for me before that. 16:02 Because they would call, you know, and my son, 16:05 my younger son was still helping me 16:07 to keep the business alive. 16:08 And he would bring cards and they would call, 16:10 and I knew I have to get back. 16:12 I had one of the... 16:14 I had a great payroll person who kept working for me 16:18 even when I wasn't paying her. 16:20 You know, and she just kept the fact 16:22 that everything kept going 16:24 and these people still had a reason to come to work, 16:27 that made me feel good 16:28 and that gave me even more of a desire to get better. 16:32 Because if they weren't working, 16:34 they were not gonna be doing good, 16:36 they were to be going back to where they were. 16:38 And several of them did, several of them did. 16:41 So it takes you about a year. 16:44 You start to know even what to do with a computer 16:49 and I... 16:50 No, it took me about like about three or four months, 16:53 but it took me about a year 16:54 to get back to really devising things, 16:58 secreting by look and we're gonna do it this way. 17:00 To really thinking at a higher level. 17:04 Because at that time my thinking was, 17:06 I would say purely instinctive, 17:08 I knew if this glass was falling, 17:09 I should hold it, 17:11 but it, I mean I couldn't calculate 17:12 or do any of that. 17:14 And I think that unless you had brain issues, 17:17 it's hard to know what that feels like, 17:20 'cause I remember trying to find a word like, 17:22 I would start to speak 17:23 and I think, I try to find a word 17:24 and it just won't be there. 17:26 And even my husband would look at me 17:28 like what's wrong and I said, "I just don't know, 17:30 I know that what I want to say, but I can't say it." 17:34 See I didn't have a problem with that 17:36 because my long term memory was intact. 17:38 Right. 17:40 But if I put my glasses down, 17:41 I could never remember where they were. 17:43 The very small things, 17:44 the short term things bothered me 17:47 and that was frightening. 17:48 I mean, you know, how many times I lock my keys in my car 17:51 or I started the car and locked, 17:53 you know, thank God for roadside assistance. 17:57 Because that's what rescued me so often. 18:00 So it's really, it's a terrible. 18:04 It could be tragic 18:05 because some people tend to go into themselves. 18:08 I attended, I had to attend a clinic during my healing 18:12 and it would be so, it would be shocking, 18:17 it would be a source of realization 18:19 when you got there to see how many people had aneurysm 18:23 and were not as well as I was. 18:27 A lot them, they were a lot of deficits 18:29 that people suffered. 18:31 Ambulation, they for instance, 18:33 they couldn't speak, couldn't control their saliva, 18:36 so looking at that kind of thing told me, 18:38 look, I was spared for a reason 18:42 and I wasn't gonna stop writing. 18:44 I was not going to stop my teaching 18:46 and I was going to keep reaching all 18:48 to the folks who still wanted me. 18:50 And the best part was that 18:53 this is from the Seventh-day Adventist church 18:55 told me that the door was always open 18:57 once I was heal, come on back, 18:59 and she kept it open and I went back. 19:01 That's incredible. 19:02 So as you start getting back on your feet, 19:05 I want you to talk about 'cause we are talking about, 19:07 you know, loving people into their own skin 19:09 and mentoring and giving back our talents 19:12 'cause what I heard from you 19:14 when I first started talking with you, 19:17 is we're talking about someone else 19:18 that you're working with 19:19 and they're gonna be on another program, 19:21 we'll meet Connie, 19:23 we'll meet you on this program too 19:25 but as I'm talking to you, I'm realizing that as a mentor, 19:31 as someone that is standing up through all of their own stuff, 19:35 there's something incredibly important for that. 19:39 We can't heal outside a connection. 19:42 You know, Brene Brown is another author that I love, 19:47 she says, "It's an irreducible need 19:49 of all people to be loved and to belong 19:53 and if we don't have that we break, we fall apart." 19:56 You know, we act out all of that kind of stuff 19:58 and so I know the ministry you have 20:05 is trying to connect, 20:06 trying to love someone into their own skin 20:09 and trying to get them to stand up is huge. 20:11 And so you step back into that and you... 20:14 And I met Connie. Okay. So Connie is who? 20:17 Connie, she was in the grammar writing skills class 20:20 that I conducted. 20:22 And I remember one day after class she ask me, 20:25 she said she wanted to talk to me. 20:27 And she had this story that she wanted to tell 20:29 but she's not a strong writer. 20:32 I said, well, we're not all strong writers 20:34 but I'll be happy to listen to it. 20:36 And the first line she gave me 20:37 but I'm giving away her story or her, 20:40 you know, sit down here, 20:43 told me it was a story I had to do. 20:44 It was a story of such poor nurturing 20:51 and the fall out of that, 20:53 and then it took me back to the people I would pass, 20:55 asking me for a dollar. 20:57 You know, it helped me to connect 21:01 why nurturing is so important to making people hold 21:08 and why so many broken people are out there. 21:11 You know, and I don't want to go by that too fast 21:14 because, you know, we can see it in an animal. 21:17 You know, we can say it, 21:18 I can have somebody donate a horse 21:20 'cause we worked with foster kids and horses. 21:23 I can have somebody donate a horse and that horse 21:25 if it's not taking care of and not loved, 21:27 that horse will never be the same, 21:29 it doesn't act the same as other horses. 21:33 But we don't really see it or accepting each other, 21:36 we want to step in with some kind of judgment. 21:38 So when you say that what you saw was that, 21:42 you know, a real difference in someone 21:45 when they're not nurtured. 21:47 Can you explain that a little bit more 21:48 what you saw, what you experienced? 21:52 Well, the first day we sat down, 21:55 we never really got to doing the book 21:56 because she ripped. 21:58 I mean she ripped. 22:00 And we were to meet for an hour and we never did anything 22:04 other than I watched her cry and told her it's okay 22:08 and we met at my home and so I got up, you know, 22:13 I just made like a visit. 22:16 And I think it was as she cried and she said 22:21 but, you know, she really wanted to get this off 22:23 and she's just tired of this, 22:25 it's just a thing she was saying as she was crying. 22:28 I said, it made me feel that she was genuine 22:31 and wanting to have this out there. 22:35 Wanting to say, get it off her chest. 22:38 You know, and as we went, 22:43 it took us almost 22 months to get the book done. 22:45 Twenty two months, 22:47 I can't even imagine the amount of healing 22:49 that happened for her during that time. 22:50 And I want to ask you something about that. 22:53 When I was writing my own book, 22:55 I was assigned to write her at one point 22:58 and I realized that she's never been in that world. 23:02 You know, it's interesting to tell someone about that 23:05 but it's really different that is your reality. 23:09 And so I sent her to hang out with my sister, 23:12 who is a stripper and drug dealer 23:14 and to just walk around with her, 23:15 just hang out with her 23:17 'cause I just wanted her to get a feel of what it felt like, 23:21 to have that be your world 23:23 and did you get a sense of that during that 22 months as said, 23:27 did you get a sense of what she actually lived? 23:31 Yes, I have to especially 23:33 because I had to create all the scenes, 23:35 I have to do to fill in to make the story readable, 23:39 you know, some people ask for a mike, 23:42 they want to have it recorded or whatever 23:44 but if I was not there to see her cry, 23:47 to see the emotions she showed at certain points. 23:50 To see how certain memories that she would invoke 23:54 and try to relived to give me some clarity. 23:58 I would not have been able to paint the picture as, 24:03 I want to say real, 24:05 but I did a pretty decent job trying to get all that 24:07 and not for me but for her. 24:09 Because she wanted this story to be told with 24:12 as much authenticity as was possible. 24:14 So if she were out doing what she did in the book, 24:18 I'm not gonna take away from her. 24:20 I have to understand where she was mentally... 24:23 What that meant? Emotionally and physically. 24:26 So it was quite a journey. 24:29 You know, and the healing that happened to her 24:32 even the process you got to see. 24:35 Yes. 24:36 Did you ever once and don't lie to me, 24:39 did you ever once feel like, "Aye, this is too much." 24:42 I cried sometimes too. Yeah. 24:44 When I heard some of the things that she endured, 24:47 I cried. 24:48 And I think I would have cried for anybody 24:50 because I can't understand how people can be treated 24:53 that way by people that they love, 24:54 people they looked to for protection. 24:58 And, you know, I'm talking about within the home 25:01 that kind of thing. 25:02 It was really, really, really hard 25:05 for somebody to listen to as well. 25:07 It's hard even for someone to read. 25:10 Yes. 25:12 But why, you know, and I know the answer for myself 25:17 but I'm asking you 25:19 why do we need to hear this story? 25:20 Why do we need to know? 25:22 Why do we need to see this world? 25:27 I think it's important because it brings, 25:31 it shows we are somebody, could have been from childhood. 25:36 What they were given the bad tools, 25:39 they were given to take them into young adulthood, 25:43 into adulthood and to see that they can get to a point 25:46 where we started of with grace, 25:50 where she could have received so much grace. 25:52 Where she could have felt well, 25:54 I need to go to church at some point. 25:56 I need to get myself out of the situation 25:59 and I'm not saying that she did it on her own. 26:02 She had to listen to some voice that said, you know, what? 26:05 "You have to get away from this area 26:07 to get yourself together." 26:09 And she got away and as things would have it, 26:14 we met and we got the story together 26:17 and now it's really a tool for anybody who was been there. 26:21 So, Verism, I want to just say, 26:25 we can't heal without looking into someone's eyes 26:28 and saying, I know that you see me. 26:31 I feel that when you spend this time with me, 26:35 when you slow down enough to even hear my story, 26:39 I feel somewhat loved and protected for a moment. 26:43 So, you know, to me during that time, 26:45 I just want to say as an adverse person 26:48 that every single time someone did that to me, 26:50 I could feel myself heal. 26:52 When I talked about Marcia and being adopted, 26:54 unbelievable, unbelievable, she starts to aggregate cancer 27:00 and she's not gonna make it, 27:01 and I remember her invited me over 27:04 and I wanted to weep and say, "I can't lose you, 27:07 I can't lose you because I don't know how to stand. 27:10 You are in this world, the person that loves me 27:15 and I'm so afraid." 27:17 And she laid in the bed, 27:19 she's dying and she's showing me pictures 27:23 of all the relatives that I didn't meet. 27:25 Man, my grandfather would have loved you. 27:28 My grandma, she would have just adored you, 27:31 I wish you would have met and she would tell me stories 27:33 and we would laugh 27:35 and I think that 22 months is in a mentoring situation, 27:39 in a situation where you step into someone's life 27:42 and I don't care what the task is. 27:45 You have changed everything. 27:47 It's like that moment and time where love becomes real 27:50 and trust becomes real. 27:52 And I can hope that I can heal. 27:57 And I learned a lot from her too. 28:01 A lot of bowed her to, 28:03 because I think she has a great personality, 28:07 a great sense of humor. 28:08 It was so much that I would not have known if I... 28:12 She's a great cook, she does and, you know, 28:16 she has recipes that she creates 28:19 and of course, I get to sample them 28:21 because we're doing a little recipe book, 28:23 and we bring and Marcia has... 28:27 She has a marvelous voice, I hate to say it because, 28:30 you know, she kind of feels like gets too much to the head. 28:36 But she is very, has a great voice. 28:40 Has so many ambitions, 28:42 so here I was looking at this person 28:44 who I thought was so broken. 28:47 Who I would not have expected to say 28:50 I want to be all these things, 28:52 I want to do all these things and having pass, 28:55 having gotten to that age, you know, I'm saying well, 29:00 it can't happen 29:02 and here it was I could see her for the 22 months 29:04 becoming a different person. 29:06 So by the end of it we became friends. 29:09 Absolutely. 29:10 I mean friends sharing with her the things 29:13 that I share with friends that I grew up with, 29:16 that I went to school with. 29:17 You know, she came into that bracket. 29:21 She fell into that bracket. 29:22 And this is, and I could because we really kind of went 29:26 from what you do to this one woman but you've had 29:31 spoken to the life of several women, 29:33 several men and I just have to say, I just, 29:38 I so wanted just shout from the roof top, 29:43 we can't heal in a vacuum. 29:46 On either side, when you talked about even, 29:49 like even term of that judgmental stuff, 29:51 and I'm thinking I knew and could get that 29:54 is like we can't heal on either side into. 29:57 Dialogue is open and we actually understand 29:59 what Jesus said, when He said love one another. 30:02 Reaching to the lives of each other 30:04 and it's the only way 30:07 the gospel is gonna become real. 30:08 And I can say that I know for sure 30:10 that she was hurting in the sense 30:13 that she was not loved by the people 30:15 she wanted to be loved by. 30:18 And I'm not guessing, this is what she said. 30:21 And I don't know if that has happened as yet, 30:24 that would be her story to tell. 30:26 But it was so frustrating to me when I was working with her 30:31 and I actually was told that I shouldn't, you know, 30:36 by family members, her family members. 30:39 I really shouldn't be working with her 30:41 because her story is not true 30:43 and, you know, that kind of thing, so... 30:45 And let me just go on to that 30:47 'cause it's really interesting the more I get into recovery, 30:51 the more I get into, you know, I'm 35 years clean 30:56 and so that's a long time, 30:58 but the narratives that we tell in our damage 31:02 are sometimes are the stories that we tell, 31:04 like I don't take it from anybody else's point of view. 31:08 I don't know what it feels like to be in my sister skin 31:11 and my brother skin or my mom skin 31:13 or even my dad who, 31:15 you know, died using crack and is a mess. 31:19 You know, I don't know what it feels like to be in their skin 31:21 but as I get older and I start to heal 31:24 and I start to look back 31:26 and I start having empathy for the other people 31:28 and hear their stories, 31:30 I realize it everybody has their own perspective. 31:33 So when family members really say like my sister 31:37 is a methodic she will say, 31:38 "I'm so angry that you talk about our addiction." 31:42 And I'm like really because we're all, we're addicts. 31:47 Yeah, I heard that too. I heard that too. 31:49 But you heard that? Yes. 31:51 You know, but I wanted to say for even for family members 31:54 is that man, it's hard to hear someone else 31:59 tell it from their point to view. 32:00 It really is hard and my heart goes out to them too. 32:03 Yeah, like I explained to, you know, her family members, 32:06 I'm not making this up. 32:08 This is what was told to me and I'm writing it 32:10 and I'm giving all the disclaimers 32:12 that are necessary. 32:14 But I feel very comfortable in what I was told, 32:17 was told from the heart. 32:19 And I put it back out there and I mean put it back 32:22 as she gave it to me, nothing was repackaged. 32:26 You know, so it's tough, it's tough 32:29 and it's all about reality. 32:31 And it's all about being honest in the end. 32:34 We're gonna open up for questions. 32:36 I want to ask you a few questions. 32:37 To see if anybody has any questions 32:39 that ask of you in the cafe 32:41 'cause I just want to say that you guys are amazing 32:44 and I'm glad you're here 32:45 and so today we're talking about, 32:48 you know, those mentoring roles, 32:49 or those times even in our lives when we have somebody 32:52 that's just slows down long enough to see us. 32:56 You know, those are incredible and so, you know, 32:59 I know that Connie, you're here 33:01 and she is your Marcia and so do you have anything 33:05 that you would like to say or ask right now? 33:09 Well, Verism, what I would like to say, Cheri, 33:12 to Verism is that I want to thank you 33:16 for taking the time out to listen to me 33:21 and to believe in me and to write my story. 33:24 And I also like to thank God for placing you 33:27 in each other's paths, you know, 33:30 so that this could come into fruition 33:34 and it's been immensely healing for me, 33:37 and I want to say, I appreciate you very much. 33:40 Thank you. 33:42 So healing in my way 'cause we're talking about mentors 33:44 and we were talking about people that see us Connie. 33:46 And to me I know what that feels like 33:49 and I know what it feels like from your situation. 33:54 So when she started to believe in you, 33:56 why did that matter? 34:00 Because growing up I didn't have a strong support system. 34:05 So she supported me and just acknowledging my gifts 34:12 and my talents and giving me compliments and, you know, 34:16 just reminding me that, 34:18 you know, you're an awesome person. 34:21 If you really just look inside yourself 34:23 and you see that. 34:25 But, you know, for somebody that's not hurt that a lot 34:28 is like you're starving to death 34:30 and somebody offers you food. 34:32 Yes, absolutely because... 34:33 I can even see it when you said it. 34:35 Yeah, 'cause my self esteem was totally shot. 34:38 You know, and I had been working only through the years 34:40 but to, we say things to ourselves all the time 34:45 but to hear someone else say it, 34:47 is even more powerful. 34:49 Yes. Yes, and she did that for me. 34:52 I think I love her because of you. 34:56 I just think I do and so I know that, 34:59 Dona, you had a question. 35:01 Hi, Cheri, I'm just, 35:03 I've seen you through the years, 35:05 we've talked through the years, 35:06 we've been friends and to following that 35:09 and I'm just glad I got to know you 35:12 because I've got a daughter that was an addict, 35:16 very bad and it broke my heart. 35:21 You know, even when we're first talking with you, Dona, 35:23 is that you know you could feel that desperation 35:26 like I don't know what to do, I don't know how to reach her. 35:30 Yeah, there was nothing that I can say to her 35:35 and I would talk to her 35:37 and she give me these blank answers 35:40 and I would pray so much, you know, 35:42 because I couldn't be there for her. 35:44 We lived miles apart 35:46 and I want to be with her so bad 35:49 and each time I talk to her, 35:51 I could hear the little girl in her 35:53 and I could just feel 35:54 that she didn't want to be in that spot. 35:57 But she was just reaching out but I wasn't there, 36:01 I put her in God's hands and that's why I wish so much 36:05 that she had met somebody earlier 36:09 that can take care of her 36:11 and hold her close like I couldn't 36:13 because I want it so bad 36:15 to physically take her in my arms 36:16 and hold her and tell her, "I'll see you through this, 36:20 I'll see that you make the recovery." 36:22 'Cause she was in and out of rehab in different areas, 36:25 and she just kept going back 36:28 but now I think that she has gone back to God, 36:32 which I'm so thankful 36:33 that was the answer to a mother's prayer 36:36 because I couldn't be there for her. 36:38 And I want it so bad 36:40 but I knew by putting her in God's hands 36:42 so he would take care of her for me. 36:45 But because I wasn't there physically, 36:48 I often wanted somebody... 36:50 Like, Verism. 36:51 Absolutely, somebody to take and just wrap her up and say, 36:56 "It's gonna be okay, I'm here for you." 36:59 It absolutely matters. 37:00 And that, you know, to me I'm just, 37:02 I'm so excited 'cause I know that Sherri is doing well, 37:06 she's in recovery. 37:08 She's really just kind of basking 37:11 in that relationship with God. 37:13 I can see it in your face and your voice 37:15 that you're just saying, I can take a breath. 37:18 It's actually been long enough that I can breathe, 37:20 I can trust her journey right now. 37:23 But I'm always wondering, 37:27 you know and she tells me every day, 37:29 "Mom, I've been clean." 37:32 But it's a struggle. Yeah. 37:33 Every day it's a struggle 37:36 and every day it's got to be hard 37:39 but she said, she relies on God. 37:42 She relies on Him to see her through these times. 37:45 That's incredible. 37:47 So, Verism, when we're talking about mentoring 37:50 and being able to see each other, do you, 37:55 and what you do with reaching out to folks 37:58 and even in your own healing, do you see more of them now? 38:03 I mean like when you look up, 38:05 can you kind of see somebody 38:07 that actually would needs that kind of relationship? 38:11 Need someone to walk along side of them? 38:13 Yes, I can and I hate to make it sound 38:16 like it's a science, something you can learn. 38:21 I think I've gotten more to feel people's emotions. 38:26 I've become a little more sensitive to why people... 38:33 appear to speak a certain way or why they pulled back 38:38 from certain things. 38:40 You know, and... 38:44 It makes me know that what I'm doing has to go on. 38:48 I have to keep doing what I'm doing. 38:52 I have to keep listening 38:53 and I can't just look at the disable person 38:56 in the corner and say, "Well, he just needs a bath 38:59 or probably a change of clothing." 39:02 That's somebody who's reaching out. 39:04 So as, you know, again we're talking about mentors 39:09 and relationships that are life changing on both sides 39:12 but life changing for us. 39:14 I know that with my love for Marcia, 39:16 the woman that adopted me is that made, 39:20 I was the apple of her eye. 39:22 Do you know what I mean? 39:24 I know that she loved me and she grew from that 39:25 but I was changed forever because of her love. 39:30 And so I'm gonna ask you one, 39:32 couple of questions I like you to answer 39:34 'cause we're almost at the end of this program 39:36 but when you step into mentoring role. 39:39 When you step into changing the lives of someone, 39:42 educating someone, getting to job 39:45 or even writing their story, I know that's time consuming. 39:50 But I want you to speak on that, 39:52 that commitment of doing those kind of relationships 39:57 and is it necessary for the church 39:59 to get the fact that we need to mentor and love each other. 40:03 Definitely, when you step in you have to realize, 40:06 first of all it's an ongoing process. 40:08 And most of the people I've helped still call me, 40:13 we're still in touch. 40:15 The ones who want to be in touch with me, 40:16 they still have their number. 40:18 I mean still have my number. Amen. 40:22 Recently I started working with a girl, 40:25 I haven't seen for years but she has lost her children 40:28 and I'm working with her to get them back. 40:31 That's the kind of thing, you have to be unselfish. 40:33 You have to understand it's ongoing 40:36 and even if there is a separation, 40:40 you should always be available. 40:42 I mean I can't see it any other way, 40:45 this just might taken it 40:46 and the people that I've worked with. 40:47 So it's not just once a week commitment. 40:49 It's not that I will see you at church 40:51 and we'll work on that. 40:52 And I think that for a lot of us 40:54 we say, you know what? 40:55 I don't know if I want to invest in someone's life 40:58 to that extent. 40:59 But if there is somebody that actually hears us today 41:03 and says, "I think I could do that, 41:05 I just want to say man, do it." 41:09 You know, do it because it's the gospel, 41:12 it's what we are asked to do for each other. 41:14 When Jesus said love one another 41:17 and, you know, fight against the schemes of the enemy. 41:20 I mean all of those things are so biblical, 41:22 strategically the enemy says, I want to disconnect everyone, 41:26 I don't want anyone to see each other. 41:29 I don't want you to honestly step into each other's lives. 41:33 But God says, no, don't listen, that is not me speaking. 41:38 I'm saying, like it says in Isaiah 58, 41:42 "Love each other, reach out to each other." 41:46 Going to each other's homes, step into each other's lives. 41:50 You know, there was a girl that 5 to 7 years 41:53 I've been working with and she did not, she was angry, 41:56 the first couple of years 41:58 she just cussed me out almost every single time we talked, 42:01 and I knew underneath all of that anger 42:04 is this incredible gifted women. 42:07 Incredible. 42:09 Well, I've been cussed out, I've been called... 42:12 I've been told to go back on the boat that I came on. 42:15 I've been told everything. Yeah. 42:17 But like I said earlier you know that's just of facade. 42:21 You know, there's somebody who's trying to push you off 42:24 because they're not ready to change. 42:26 My job to me was to stay right there, keep bugging. 42:30 Once I have your number and it hasn't been turned off, 42:34 I'll call you. 42:35 Where are you now, let's do this, 42:36 let's keep doing this. 42:38 You gonna be okay. 42:39 Yes, and there is a sense of satisfaction that you feel. 42:46 It's not, I mean, like people, a lot of my... 42:48 I heard from a lot of people that I'm wasting time. 42:51 I mean you're not paid for this. 42:53 It wasn't about the pay. It really wasn't about the pay. 42:57 And I would go so far as to say, 42:58 I feel that having healed as well as I have healed 43:03 from my aneurysm was probably the pay 43:05 that I earned that. 43:07 Yeah, God bless you in other ways. 43:09 I feel that because I have a... 43:12 Let me just say it like in Isaiah 58 43:14 when we talk about even the biblical thing is Isaiah 58 43:17 says that you'll become like a watered garden 43:21 and people will heal just in your presence 43:23 because you could imagine that watered garden 43:25 where you can actually take a breath and sit down 43:28 and see the beauty around you is that you become that, 43:31 and there's something that's a incredible gift from God 43:34 when you become that, but we become that as mentors. 43:39 We do, we do, and I mean 43:42 I can't say better than you have just said it. 43:46 I wouldn't do anything different. 43:48 Amen. 43:49 There is nothing I would do that's different. 43:50 I want to say thank you for joining us 43:53 on Celebrating Life. 43:54 I, like I said, you won my heart 43:58 and even more so, now looking at you 44:02 and knowing that you can't do anything different. 44:05 And if can say 44:06 I remember the first time I saw your program, 44:08 I wasn't even looking at the program and you just, 44:11 I mean I had the TV on going through the channel, 44:14 and you were talking about yourself when I looked up 44:18 and I called you. 44:19 I called the program and you answered the phone, 44:23 and of course, I was speechless 44:24 and then I said but I'm calling because, you know, 44:27 I just heard the program when I'm trying to, you know, 44:30 see where you are with that 44:32 and we talked for about 30 minutes. 44:36 And I feel, I mean even listening to you, 44:39 you sort of validated what I was doing at that time, 44:42 just hearing you respond to me and hearing you say, 44:47 that it was okay. 44:48 Amen. Amen. Thank you. 44:50 I want to say that we're gonna be right back stay with us 44:53 'cause I have few things I'd like to close with, 44:56 I'm not done yet. |
Revised 2016-09-13