Participants: Cheri Peters (Host), Connie Gilbert
Series Code: CLR
Program Code: CLR000127B
|
00:01 The following program discusses sensitive issues
00:03 related to addictive behavior. 00:05 Parents are cautioned that some material 00:06 may be too candid for younger children. 00:14 Welcome back, you know, 00:15 I can't get over this scripture. 00:16 I just got to say it one more time 00:18 but in a different version, 00:19 so I wanted to say Romans 2:4 is... 00:24 Man, I just love this 00:25 but it says in a different version 00:28 amplified "Or do you have no regards 00:31 for the wealth of His kindness." 00:33 And so could you imagine 00:34 the wealth of the kindness of God, 00:37 it's just, it's ridiculous 00:38 and the tolerance and patience that He has 00:42 for each of us in withholding His wrath. 00:45 I really believe that sin causes a reaction in God 00:49 that it's really tough for Him to watch 00:52 as we destroy ourselves. 00:53 It's really tough for Him to watch us die or hurt others 00:57 and all of that kind of stuff so, 00:58 you know, He withholds all of that 01:00 because of the blood of Christ and because of redemption. 01:04 I don't know about you 01:06 but I wanna say, "Amen" at end of the show. 01:07 We don't need anything more but that's not true, 01:10 I want you to meet Connie, "Are you actually unaware 01:14 or ignorant of the fact that's God's kindness 01:18 leads us to repentance." 01:23 Unaware, are we ignorant of that, 01:25 that is to change your inner self, 01:27 your old ways of thinking to seek after a purpose in life 01:30 that His kindness tells all that kind of stuff, 01:33 the Bible talks about repentance is a gift. 01:35 I can't muster it up, I can't figure it out 01:37 and there was a king, 01:40 I don't know if they actually know 01:42 who wrote this letter 01:44 but they think one of the kings in the old testament 01:46 wrote this thing on repentance and he was so shocked 01:50 that everything he had done in his kingdom, 01:52 everything that he'd done in his life 01:53 and he was really bad, I mean, he was just a bad guy 01:57 and when he finally troops into the love of God 02:00 and God gives him the gift of repentance 02:03 and he can turn everything around 02:04 and hand all of this stuff that he had done to God, 02:07 he said "How could I thank you for that, 02:10 how could I thank you for that 02:11 because I couldn't have made it any different 02:14 and in fact, I can repent 02:16 and surrender it is absolutely huge. 02:18 So I wanna introduce you to my guest Connie, 02:20 Connie Gilbert. 02:23 You are amazing to me 02:25 and the first time I think I heard about you 02:28 was from a book that you wrote called "Scared." 02:32 Secrets. Sacred secrets. 02:34 Shedding the shackles of my shame. 02:36 And when you say, you know, 02:38 shedding the shackles of my shame, 02:41 that's huge and that's exactly what we're talking about today 02:43 so I want you to introduce yourself 02:47 and just start to let us know where do you come from, 02:50 who are you? 02:52 Okay, my name is Connie Gilbert and I come from a family 02:57 that knew dysfunction on every level. 03:01 I'm talking about physical, emotional, mental, sexual, 03:07 yeah and it was pure hell for me growing up. 03:10 So when in for a lot of people, they don't get that, 03:14 it's that when you walk into your home 03:17 and on every level, yeah, 03:20 you're, you're, what you're seeing, 03:21 what your norm is 'cause this is you're norm, 03:24 this is what you think the world is, is so crazy, 03:28 Yes, and actually what that does it creates a lot of fear. 03:33 So I grew up in fear 03:35 you know, what is it gonna be today, 03:38 what's gonna happen while I'm gone, 03:40 what's gonna happen when I come home? 03:42 You know, it was hell. 03:45 Yeah, you know, at one time 03:48 and this is a crazy thing to say 03:51 but I was in psych class, I was getting a nursing license 03:55 and, I mean, the psych class 03:57 and they said that they did these studies 03:59 and the studies were, 04:00 they were checking out people that did psych testing 04:03 and it's called a MMPI 04:05 and different categories of people were tested 04:07 but now we have computers, so they put in the test 04:10 and they were trying to figure out, 04:12 what group is like another group, right, 04:14 and they found that kids 04:17 from dysfunctional abusive homes 04:19 tested almost the same 04:21 as people concentration camps that were facing were death. 04:24 Wow! 04:26 That's what I said, I said, you know, 04:28 when you said you were terrified and that or fear 04:30 but when all of sudden I saw that in that report, 04:34 is that you as a kid, 04:35 you didn't know for one moment to another, 04:39 how you were gonna survive that moment, 04:41 I've gotta be on guard all the time, 04:42 I've gotta have my wits about me at all of the time, 04:45 I need to know what's the most 04:49 or the least hurtful situation right now for me. 04:53 Right, and how to move, you know, should I not say this 04:57 or should I not do this or that, 05:00 you know, and it's amazing that comparison 05:03 because I can be laid to death. 05:06 Actually I didn't think I would make it to adulthood, 05:09 I thought that, you know, 05:12 my life would end before I could even become an adult. 05:16 That I wouldn't make it at the hands, 05:18 of course, of my father. 05:20 All right and so when you talk about your father, 05:23 can you give us a situation of what the abuse was like 05:27 and what did it look like? 05:32 For example, after we went to bed that night 05:37 and he wasn't there and he will come home, 05:41 we would hear the car pull up, you know, 05:44 and immediately I would start trembling, 05:47 you know, it's like, oh, oh, is he gonna beat us tonight, 05:50 is he gonna beat my mother tonight, 05:52 you know, are we gonna be first 05:55 or is she gonna be first, you know... 05:57 And you're already in bed, already settled. 06:00 Oh, absolutely. 06:01 And he would come in and, you know, 06:04 we hear his foot steps and he would come in 06:06 and turn the light on 06:07 and he would tell us all to get up and line us up 06:11 and we would take our beatings, you know... 06:15 For... 06:17 For, nothing, you know, he couldn't drink, 06:23 when ever he drinks, he would go into these rages, 06:26 you know, and he would just beat us 06:28 because he was angry, you know, 06:30 so and as such how I grew to hate him. 06:33 Right. I hated him. 06:36 You know, I've got to say 06:38 when you talk about as a child you grew to hate him. 06:41 I think what's crazy as a child, 06:44 how old do you remember first hating him? 06:48 11. 06:49 So 11 years old and we could already in our mind, 06:53 tell me if this isn't true rehearse murder. 06:57 Yes, I thought that I was going to kill him one day. 07:01 Yeah. Yes, I said it. 07:03 I said, God, but you know what, you didn't want that from me, 07:06 you didn't want that, 07:07 he intervened with that but I knew I said, 07:10 when I turned 18, this is going to stop 07:14 because I began to realize 07:15 that I have rights as a human being 07:18 but I was so messed up in the head 07:20 from the dysfunction that I didn't even realize 07:22 that I'm a human being and this is not normal 07:26 and it has to stop and I'm gonna stand up to him 07:29 when I turned 18. 07:31 It has to stop. 07:32 So it was that, that was that you're only abused growing up? 07:38 You mean from at his end? No. No. 07:40 No, he made us take drugs, you know, there was sexual, 07:46 there were some sexual, you know, 07:48 'cause he didn't know his borderlines, 07:50 yeah, he had a lot of issues... 07:52 When somebody says that, 07:53 I know that for a normal person, 07:55 they really feel like that is crazy, 07:59 that is crazy and, you know, it's hard to believe 08:02 but I know parents that have given meth to their kids 08:05 to shot up with their kids, 08:07 definitely smoked weed with their kids 08:09 and you've gotta just stop for a minute. 08:12 If you are a parent doing that, the grace of God is for you. 08:18 God is for you so don't shame yourself right now, 08:21 we're not even talking about this, Connie, 08:23 I know to shame anybody. 08:25 We're just saying this is how it is. 08:27 This is some of us literally walk through some stuff 08:30 that is so crazy that to survive 08:34 is absolutely a miracle. 08:36 Yes. 08:38 So you've got a dad that's beating you, 08:40 he's offering you drugs or it's definitely sexual abuse, 08:42 you've got other family members that are crazy 08:44 as in their dysfunction because kind of, 08:48 once that every thing is in motion, 08:50 everybody kind of plays their roles. 08:52 Exactly and that was our reality, 08:55 you know, and I remember thinking to myself, 08:57 "Whoa, if there was a God then why he is allowing this." 09:02 You know, but as a child and you do think as a child. 09:06 You know, and of course, as I grew in understanding 09:10 then I realized that I can't hate him, 09:14 you know, so... 09:16 We're gonna get to that. Okay. 09:17 So even when you talk about, even as a child 09:22 there is sometimes that you looked up and said, 09:24 "I know this isn't right and know this isn't normal." 09:28 Did you have anybody that said 09:30 there was a God or there was a way out? 09:31 Did you have any voice of reason in your life? 09:35 Yes, there was a neighbor. 09:36 I remember her and she is the one that said, 09:40 you know, "Well, God loves you" and I questioned that, 09:44 at 12 years old I said, "Well, if there is a God, 09:46 why is he allowing us to be treated the way that we are." 09:52 You know, and of course, at that time... 09:55 Cause even you're neighbor knew... 09:56 Oh, yeah. That something's happening. 09:58 You know, hear the yelling, hear the craziness, 10:00 know all that kind of stuff. 10:02 They knew, the family knew, the neighbors knew, 10:05 that's why it wasn't a secret. 10:06 Yeah. Yeah. 10:08 So as you're talking to this neighbor, 10:12 what did she say? 10:13 Do you remember anything 10:15 that really kind of stuck with you? 10:16 Yeah, that was that God loves you, 10:19 God loves you and right now 10:21 I don't have all the answers for you, 10:23 you know, I can't stop the abuse 10:26 but someday you will understand. 10:29 You'll know. Yes. 10:31 And I love when somebody's that honest with us 10:34 'cause I think that, 10:36 that we are somehow under the illusion 10:40 that I just have to say a scripture or two, 10:42 I just have to pray for someone and their whole life changes 10:45 and sometime their life doesn't changes for years. 10:47 We are in bondage like you said, 10:49 shackled by the shame, 10:51 I mean, it's a huge thing and so but as a kid, 10:55 someone decided to look at you and look at you with hope. 10:59 Yes. 11:01 That look, let me just talk to somebody out there now. 11:05 That look, can you could be with somebody a minute 11:09 and 20 years later, they would get strength from that look 11:13 to change your life. 11:14 So man, don't think that you have to do it all 11:16 or say it all but if you see somebody in trouble, 11:19 man, let them know. 11:21 I don't have the answers, 11:23 I wish I could do something right now 11:26 but you gotta know there is a God. 11:27 Yes. 11:29 So you didn't change at 12? Oh, no. 11:32 So what happened? You know, the abuse continued. 11:36 Up until I was about 18 years old 11:40 and that's when I stood up to him and I said, 11:43 you know, this has got to stop, you know, 11:47 but there was so much that had transpired, 11:50 you know, through the years, so much that was bottled up, 11:55 you know, that I just began to just function 12:01 in the dysfunction, you know, what I mean... 12:03 Were you still in school, still doing all that stuff? 12:05 I was, well, of course, I was out of high school 12:09 then attempting to go to college but you know what, 12:12 I was so messed up, I couldn't go to school. 12:15 I was so messed up because things were, 12:18 we were still in it, you know, 12:19 my parents were still together and so I couldn't do it, 12:24 I just couldn't do it, I had no peace. 12:27 I just, you know, what I just love about you 12:30 'cause, you know, I was one of those kids, 12:34 is that I don't think the world has any idea 12:36 when you walk around and try to be as normal as you can be 12:40 and then you walk it to the home 12:41 in that much dysfunction, 12:43 it is like two different universes. 12:46 Worlds. Yeah. 12:47 Yes, and I was still living in it 12:49 and trying to function in a world, 12:50 it's like not having the proper tools to go out 12:54 and be a functioning person in society successfully, 12:59 you know, it just wasn't happening for me. 13:02 So what was your drug use 13:04 and that kind of stuff at this time? 13:06 At that time, it was marijuana. 13:08 Okay, just smoking some weed. 13:10 Yeah, that was it, yeah. 13:12 And I didn't venture into cocaine until my... 13:16 later when they got it, in my late 20s. 13:19 That's unusual to jump in that lane? 13:22 Yeah, it was the late 20s, also by 25, 13:25 I started fooling with the cocaine. 13:27 Did you leave home at 18? No, I didn't. 13:32 Yeah, I want to shake you but I know, it's almost like, 13:35 would like again when we really, 13:39 we don't know how to walk away, 13:40 we don't know how to do anything 13:42 like you try to set some boundaries at 18 like, 13:44 you know, for some reason you put that in your head 13:46 like you're not gonna hurt me anymore. 13:48 But the reason is because I felt 13:50 I was my mother's protector. 13:52 So I didn't wanna leave her or my siblings 13:54 because at this point I'm the oldest at home... 13:56 Yeah. 13:58 You see, so I felt an obligation to them 14:00 and it's like where am I going, you know, 14:03 what am I gonna do? 14:04 No, I have to stay with my mother, 14:06 I have to protect her because she's still with this abuser. 14:12 So you are there, 14:16 what did your journey look like from there 14:20 'cause now you're kind of stepping out 14:21 into the world on your own. 14:23 Attempting to, you know, 14:28 Cheri, I was so messed up, I couldn't even hold... 14:31 What is messed up look like? 14:35 You said that for few times. Right, my self-esteem. 14:38 It wasn't the drugs that it damaged me, 14:41 it was the abuse that had me so damaged emotionally, 14:45 you know, I was a nervous wreak 14:47 and so it took to try to hold on a job, 14:51 I just couldn't do it. 14:53 I really needed help at that point in my life, 14:56 you know, but of course, I wasn't seeking it, 15:00 you know, I wasn't seeking help 15:02 because I felt like I had to be there with mother, 15:05 I had to protector her, you know, 15:08 and I felt so inadequate, I felt so inadequate, 15:11 my self-esteem was shot, you know so... 15:15 I'm gonna tell you something about me 15:17 and tell me if you can relate to it. 15:19 I get offered drugs, somebody says just stop taking drugs, 15:22 you're gonna be normal, right. 15:23 I got offered drugs, I was crazy, I was crazy, 15:27 not normal but I remember I meet my husband 15:32 whose dad's an ambassador for the United States, 15:35 mom's a violinist, she teaches at the University 15:37 and I could not speak in front of him. 15:41 I could not speak in front of them, 15:42 I would go to symphony functions 15:44 because he was a trumpet player and I would shake so much 15:49 or have so much anxiety as I would have to leave 15:52 and he would even say, "I can't have you in my life 15:56 'cause for whatever reason 15:57 you can't even speak in front of normal people." 16:00 I saw somebody playing darts one time and I thought, 16:02 you know, well, I play darts 16:04 and so I can get rid of this social stuff 16:06 'cause I don't have any tools and I threw the dart 16:10 and I forgot how to add. 16:12 Oh, wow! 16:13 I know, and I'm thinking so when people say inadequate, 16:17 when people say that I just don't have that sense 16:20 and that anxiety comes up, 16:22 it's real and it's huge and it's stabilitating. 16:26 Yes, and that's what I felt, those anxieties, you know, 16:31 I remember one day, my father wanted some money 16:36 to buy more drugs, you know, he came after my mother, 16:40 you know, for money, money 16:42 and finally I said, "You know what? 16:43 She has no more money, why don't you leave her alone." 16:47 And of course, we got into this big fight 16:49 but I stood up to him 16:50 and I remember her having a nervous break down 16:54 and she ran to the bedroom 16:56 and I knew we had a gun in the house 16:57 and I ran behind my mother. 16:59 She said, "I can't take this anymore 17:01 and I'm gonna kill myself," so she grabbed the gun 17:04 and she took it to her head and I grabbed her 17:08 and I took it, the gun from her 17:10 and I remember hiding the gun and then stop, stopping 17:14 and I looked in the mirror and I was shaking like this 17:17 and I said, "God, I can't do this, 17:20 this is just to much for me," 17:21 so I was still living with all of those anxiety 17:24 so I would have anxiety attacks, 17:26 I mean, I was trying to go to job interviews, 17:28 so I had to fill out the application, you know, 17:30 I was just totally shocked, right. 17:33 So it sounds like you went from all of that 17:36 and then jumped right into like coke 17:39 and different things that are going to appear to help 17:43 and I get that but, you know, I wanna say 17:46 and I've said on a number of programs 17:49 is that, you know, drugs, alcohol, 17:52 they are seductive lovers. 17:53 They would lie to you in ways you can't even understand 17:57 and we're feeling all that like we finally got it together, 18:01 I finally have some power, I finally have control 18:03 and I'm surrendering every last bit of control I had. 18:08 Absolutely and actually, it made me feel good 18:11 because I felt like, "Okay, I'm talking about this 18:13 so I'm must be getting better, I'm okay," you know... 18:16 I'm meeting friends, I'm hanging out with folks. 18:19 Exactly, didn't know that it was actually 18:21 just opening the door to other vices, you know, 18:26 but I just want to say that growing up, 18:32 you know, naturally we look to our mothers, you know, 18:37 to protect us and to keep us from harm, 18:41 you know, but that was one of the things 18:44 that I didn't get from my mother, 18:47 you know, I didn't get that. 18:48 I couldn't understand why she stayed 18:53 and even why today... 18:55 'Cause she's still there? Okay. No. 18:57 No, well, he is deceased, you know, 19:01 but she stayed and she stayed and she stayed 19:04 and I kept asking, you know, "Why didn't you leave?" 19:08 and that's something that she still can't answer, 19:11 she cannot answer that question. 19:13 You know I would love 19:15 if God himself could answer that question. 19:17 It's that we don't have tools, 19:19 nobody's told us that we don't deserve 19:20 to be treated like this, 19:22 we don't know that there's a world 19:24 that's safer out there, 19:25 I don't know I'm scared I won't fit anywhere 19:27 and that's how we don't move from where we're at. 19:29 So to me even with you, your mom or myself 19:33 or anybody that I worked with is, 19:36 it absolutely is we don't dare to dream about anything, 19:40 we don't think about anything, we just try to survive today. 19:43 Right. 19:45 I'm just thinking about today, so your survival became drugs. 19:48 You literally opened up a home to other world, 19:50 where did that world take you? 19:52 Ooh, well, of course, to more drug use 19:55 to drug dealing, you know, I mean, where there's drugs, 20:01 there's usually sexual, you know, parties going on, 20:04 you know, man with man, woman with woman... 20:06 Relationships with each other... 20:07 All of that stuff. 20:08 Yeah, you know, so and that's the world, 20:10 that became my life, you know. 20:15 Can you, can you, do you ever get a sense 20:17 that you just wanna tell some one 20:19 is I don't think I could have chose anything else. 20:21 I think this is what I would knew, 20:23 this is what I was groomed for since I was a little kid, 20:26 'cause somebody wants to judge 20:28 and I'm so glad like when we talk about Romans 20:30 and when we talk about God, is God said, 20:32 the angels aren't even judging right now. 20:35 There was so much damage, so much damage. 20:38 Right, because we didn't have to go to the streets, 20:41 the streets were bought to us. 20:43 Yeah, they were in my home. Yeah, so we already knew. 20:46 So that was natural for us, why wouldn't we do drugs? 20:50 You know, and so that became my life, 20:53 that seemed normal for me until I knew better. 20:56 Yeah, and when we talk about powerlessness 21:00 or control issues, as a dealer you're the one in control. 21:05 In our sexuality sometimes, we are in control. 21:09 You know what I mean. Yeah. 21:10 And it feels that way and for you 21:13 even from what I've heard Connie is that, 21:16 that sense of not being in control 21:17 and not having any of that, when you felt that power 21:23 that had to be more seductive than the drug. 21:26 Yeah, it was. 21:28 It was and to me it's like, " Okay, well, this is me." 21:31 Yeah. 21:32 You know, it has to be because I'm in control, 21:36 I'm in control not the drugs. 21:38 And you're not gonna hurt me. 21:39 Right, you're not gonna hurt me anymore, 21:41 you know, because I did have a issue with trusting, 21:44 you know, but that completely went out the window, 21:48 you know, so... 21:49 Within what addictions, addictions 21:51 and we have a whole teaching on our website, 21:54 if anybody wants to get in touch with us, 21:56 you know, just come to the website. 21:58 We have whole teachings on that, 22:00 is that when we step into addictions, 22:02 what I trust 22:04 is 27 minutes after I take this drug I feel better, 22:07 that's what I trust. 22:08 Do I trust this fool that I'm dating? 22:10 Nope. 22:11 But this drug, I can tell you from that minute I take it, 22:16 what's gonna happen and my trust and my love 22:18 and my relationship becomes the addiction 22:21 and so it's really tough when you've got that much shame 22:25 and that much stuff is because when something works 22:28 and I get a break, I'm in love. 22:31 I was a type of addict that got high alone, you know, 22:35 and in those alone moments, 22:38 I would go back to my childhood, 22:40 you know, I would go back to the day 22:42 that I walked into the bedroom with my mother 22:45 and found my father in bed with my sister, you know,... 22:49 I can't even imagine, I can imagine the trauma 22:52 and when you said, I'm like the kind of addict 22:54 that gets high alone, it's like I don't wanna, 22:57 I'm trying to escape those things. 22:59 Yes and yet I will still going back to that, you know, 23:04 but I thought to myself, 23:05 "Well, this is a way of working it out, 23:08 if I go back and I rethink this 23:11 and so now I can come up with some valid questions 23:15 as to, why did you stay? 23:17 Why did you send her away? 23:19 Why did you stay and leave us subjective to the same abuse 23:24 when you know in fact, 23:25 that he was in bed with your daughter? 23:28 You know, and not only that, other females in the family, 23:32 you know, so he had no boundaries 23:34 and my mother knew his sickness, 23:36 she knew he was sick 23:37 and to me she felt as though I can fix him. 23:40 What did she say to you 23:42 when you said, "Why did you stay? 23:43 Why didn't you protect me?" 23:46 I don't know. Yeah. 23:48 I thought that was the best thing to do 23:49 would to be to send your sister away 23:51 because just like that, 23:52 she's out of the home and now I'm the oldest 23:55 and I'm thinking to myself, 23:57 "Well, I know she didn't do anything wrong, 23:59 why did you send her away?" 24:01 You know... 24:02 And when are you gonna send me away? 24:04 And so when I actually felt 24:07 that I had been violated during my sleep, 24:11 I got up and I went to the bathroom 24:14 and my mother was in it fixing her hair, 24:16 combing her hair doing something and I said, 24:19 "I feel like..." 24:20 and she said, "You feel like what?" 24:22 and she put fear in me 24:24 and I was afraid to tell her the truth. 24:25 I said, "Oh, I felt like I went to the bathroom on myself 24:28 but what I really wanted to say was, 24:30 I felt like I'd had sex." 24:32 I'm sick, mom. 24:34 Yeah, I felt like something had been inside me, 24:37 something, someone touched me, did something that wasn't right 24:40 but I was afraid to tell her the truth. 24:43 So in that reality, 24:45 we run as fast and as far as we can 24:48 and if we can't physically run, we'll use, we'll cut, 24:54 we'll jump into relationships and we start acting crazy 24:57 and everybody wants to say, " Hey man, look at her. 25:00 It's her fault," and so it sounds like that's exactly 25:03 what happened as you jumped into a world 25:05 that was addict controlled. 25:06 Yes. 25:08 And you took control by your dealing. 25:10 Oh, yeah, and I'm like, "Oh, this is, this is the life, 25:13 you know, I can buy the clothes I want, I can, 25:17 you know, buy vehicles. 25:19 I can go here, I can do that," you know... 25:22 I can dress this little wounded child up. 25:24 Ooh, yes, and I remember one day, 25:28 after getting dressed, having my hair done 25:31 and I stood there looking in the mirror 25:33 and he said, God said, "Connie, 25:36 you're always naked in my eyes, you're always naked." 25:41 What did he mean by that 25:42 'cause he didn't mean same thing as your dad meant? 25:44 No, he meant that 25:46 no matter how you try to cover up your pain, 25:49 look, I see it. 25:51 Other people may not see it but I see how you're hurting 25:54 and I know you, I know you and I know you're hurting. 25:59 And I'm crazy about you. 26:01 Yes, and I know that God loves me. 26:03 So how did you get from all of this craziness, 26:06 all of this pain, all of this stuff to a place 26:09 where you can start to hear God in a way 26:13 that is wooing you to Himself. 26:17 I mean, how did that recovery time look round 26:20 'cause I'm thinking for you to even be here, 26:23 absolute miracle. 26:24 Yes, I got sick and tired of being sick and tried, 26:27 you know, this thing... 26:28 Hello? 26:29 I was, I was like I am so tired 26:31 and I remember getting in a phonebook out 26:34 and looking for a rehab place. 26:36 You're... 26:37 nobody saying you, it's like, excuse me... 26:40 there's got to be some place I can go. 26:41 I said, I gotta get help. 26:43 I said because I'm tired of this 26:45 and I'm killing myself, you know, 26:47 and I'm not gonna be here for my children, 26:51 I had two small boys then. 26:53 Yeah, and I said I'm not gonna be, 26:54 I'm here physically but I'm not here with them. 26:57 I'm not here emotionally and mentally I'm not here, 27:00 you know, 'cause I'm still this wounded person. 27:02 They're gonna have the same life 27:03 that I had back, you know. 27:05 Exactly, you know, and I can do better, 27:07 I want to do better, I don't want this psycho to continue, 27:11 you know, so I remember looking for a rehab 27:14 and I called several numbers 27:15 and they want to put me on a waiting list 27:18 and I remember saying a praying like, 27:19 "God, I need somewhere to go today, you know and... 27:22 Don't have me wait. 27:24 No and I picked up a news paper 27:26 and on the front page was a article about a rehab center 27:29 and I called them and they told me, 27:31 I can come today. 27:33 Amen. 27:34 And I picked up that phone, I called my mother, I said, 27:36 "I found a place." 27:37 And she says, it must have been on a Wednesday. 27:39 She said, "Why don't you wait till Friday." 27:41 I said, "For what?" 27:42 I said, "Just give me two more days to get out," 27:45 I said 'cause I'm gonna do it, I said, 27:47 "No I wanna go today. 27:49 I wanna do this. 27:51 I've got to get cleaned, I wanna stop getting high 27:55 and I wanna know why?" 27:57 Amen. So you end up at a rehab place? 28:01 Yes. On Wednesday? 28:03 But you know what? I relapsed. 28:05 I went back because my, 28:10 I hadn't gotten to the end of myself, 28:12 I'm thinking, I'm exercising my will power, 28:15 I can do this, I can stop doing this drug 28:17 with a little counseling, a little spirituality, 28:20 you know... 28:21 Give me some tools, few tools. Right, I can do this. 28:23 It doesn't work that way, 28:25 you have to come to the end of yourself 28:27 and say, "You know what, God. 28:28 I need you." I can't do this. 28:30 Right, and I can't do this alone. 28:32 I'm powerless. 28:33 Right, and I need to know, I need His strength 28:37 but I wasn't relying on His strength, 28:39 I was relying on myself. 28:40 But you know what? 28:42 You know, I love when you say that 28:43 'cause as a little kid that, you know, 28:45 if you didn't rely on yourself, 28:46 you wouldn't even have been as safe as you were. 28:49 So when God says, "I've got to get this kid 28:52 that nobody has taken care of, 28:53 that nobody has done the right thing to that 28:56 she has heart to figure out 28:57 from the time she was two, three, five years old, 29:00 had to do it herself and I've got to get her to know that, 29:04 that won't work this time." 29:06 That's, you know, and I go back to Romans. 29:09 Man, God just hangs in there with us. 29:12 And says over and over and over through my kindness, 29:15 we're gonna see that, that I'll do it for you. 29:18 Yes, yes, and then when God began to be kind to me, 29:21 good to me and I knew that He was real. 29:24 It made me love Him more. 29:26 Tell me something that happened that you knew, 29:29 that this is God in me? 29:33 It's hard to think about it. There are so many. 29:35 I know. Yes. 29:37 You know, I would have to say just sparing my life, 29:42 the fact that, you know, 29:43 I would do so many of these drugs 29:45 that my brain was numb and it's like, 29:48 "Why am I still getting high? 29:49 I'm not getting any higher, 29:50 I'm actually short circuiting myself and any moment..." 29:53 And you can feel that. 29:55 Yes, 'cause you're out of touch with reality. 29:57 You know, and I'm like, 29:59 "I've got to stop this God, I've got." 30:01 And I remember praying, I said, "Lord, send some one my way. 30:05 God, please, you said that if we seek you, 30:07 if we draw near to you, you would draw near to us 30:10 and that we just search you, 30:12 that you would send some one our way." 30:15 And he did. So you know what? 30:16 I just love the fact, you know, 30:19 and I don't wanna discount anything but I love the fact 30:26 that you've got this druggy that is so high, 30:29 things are short circuiting 30:31 and I'm quoting scripture to God. 30:34 I'm saying, "God, you said." 30:37 And God listens and wants to listen. 30:40 Yes, yes. 30:41 You know, I feel like, you know, 30:43 somebody once said that's not right, 30:45 that can't be right. 30:46 Man, go back to Romans 2:4, 30:48 "Do you despise the kindness of God, 30:51 because the kindness of God says, 30:54 most people in the flesh 30:56 would not tolerate that craziness." 30:58 And God says, not only will I tolerate it 31:01 but I will be right there beside her. 31:03 Yes, because I told myself, "God, you don't even love me, 31:08 you know, God, why would you love me? 31:10 I'm a mess, you know, but I didn't know that, 31:13 that's what he wants. 31:14 The mess, he wants the mess. 31:16 Yeah. 31:18 I don't wanna redeem your future self, 31:19 I wanna redeem you. 31:21 Right. Yeah. 31:22 Yeah, so it was an amazing transformation for me. 31:26 So little by little, you start to, you go to rehab, 31:30 you've relapsed and for most of us 31:33 we relapse sometimes three to seven times. 31:37 It's not that we relapse once or twice... 31:39 Oh, and I did. 31:40 Okay, so if somebody says, 31:42 "Okay, I thought it was real for her 31:44 and she's gone. 31:45 No, no, it was real for her since she was a baby." 31:48 And you know what? 31:49 I continued to use drugs for over 20 years. 31:52 Oh, man. 31:53 Yes, I continue off and on to... 31:56 To know the pain that came with it. 31:58 Yep, but I had to come to the end of myself. 32:02 What was the end of self? 32:05 The end of self was saying, 32:09 "Look, look what you have attempted to accomplish 32:13 but you haven't. 32:15 But God can, God can and you can do this, Connie." 32:18 I kept saying, "You can do this, 32:21 you can" because I thought nothing what ever good, 32:24 whatever happened to me in my life, 32:26 we had so much tragedy, 32:28 you know, like nothing's good gonna happen to me. 32:31 It'll happens to other people. 32:32 Not to me, you know, I'm not special enough. 32:35 Yeah. 32:36 You know, but that's not what His Word says. 32:40 All right. That's not what His Word says. 32:42 He said," I saw you formed in your mother's womb" 32:45 and if you saw that, 32:46 you knew all those things about me, 32:48 then you knew I would do these things 32:50 and you knew that I will come to this point 32:52 that I will rely on you totally and surrender 32:56 and that's what got me to this point. 32:58 I just had to surrender. Amen. 33:00 So now this is my favorite part, 33:02 is what did surrender look like 33:06 and as God started showing you who you are as His child 33:13 and 'cause you've been shown a lot of garbage up until then, 33:16 a lot of lies up until then, when God started saying, 33:19 "Look, can I show you who you are?" 33:21 What was that like? 33:22 Well, you know, the more I got into His Word 33:26 is when I really began to see who God, 33:29 I really didn't know God. 33:30 I would call His name but I didn't believe no God 33:33 and there's no way I could get to know Him 33:35 unless I read His Word, so as I read His Word 33:38 then His Word began to come alive for me 33:42 and I remember the Scripture where he says, 33:45 "Your sorrows shall be turned to joy." 33:49 You know, and so that pain and that sorry, sorry, 33:52 the sorry that... 33:55 I'm so sorry. 33:56 No, no, but that pain and that junk... 33:58 Sorrow. All the sudden literally slips. 34:01 Yes, and then I began to feel the joy of the Lord 34:04 and that peace that He gave me, He said 34:07 "Just rest in me and cast your cares on me." 34:09 And I began to give Him every care that I had. 34:12 When people feel like and especially people that, 34:15 you know, I'm not, I was 10 years on the streets 34:17 so I'm not a reader and all that kind of stuff 34:19 but man, I started flipping through this Bible 34:21 the first times and I came upon this Psalms 51 34:25 and I'm just like, it was so crazy 34:29 'cause I come up on this word 34:30 and there's a line in it saying, 34:32 you know, this guy is guilty and he's killing himself 34:36 and he's depressed 34:37 and he finally screams out to God, 34:39 like I have, was born insane. 34:42 From the time that I came out of my mother's womb, 34:44 I have been lost, 34:46 whatever you decide about me is true, he says. 34:49 And I'm like, "Oh, shut up. 34:50 Whatever you write about me is true because I am guilty 34:54 and right after that he says, I'll decide you're innocent 34:57 and I'll give you a new heart and I wept like a baby. 35:00 So when you say, "I didn't know who God was 35:04 until I got in His Word," 35:06 for some one who's listening right now, 35:07 they've got to hear that, 35:09 is nobody can tell you who God is. 35:10 It's gonna unfold with what He's given us. 35:13 Right and realize that he accepts you as you are. 35:16 Amen. That's right. As you are. 35:18 You don't have to change anything. 35:20 All you need to do is say, "You know what? 35:22 I'm gonna trust you." Yeah. 35:24 I'm gonna trust you because I know that you're not a liar, 35:30 you're not a man that you should lie. 35:31 'Cause what your Word says. 'Cause what your Word says. 35:34 I love when you say that. It's like, it's in there. 35:36 You said it. Right. 35:38 And He has never lied to me or let me down. 35:40 He's been there, you know. 35:42 And even when you said 35:44 and I'm just gonna jump in for people 35:46 that have a hard time with this, 35:47 when you said, "I don't got to change anything," 35:50 It's really an interesting thing 35:52 to be in a love relationship 35:54 where you change without trying to change. 35:56 I change in learning to trust, 35:59 I change in settling into that kind of love. 36:02 So my behaviors change 36:03 not because I'm trying to earn His love, 36:06 it's because I have it. 36:08 Exactly and you feel it. 36:09 And you can sense His arms around you, 36:11 you know He's a caring guy, He's a caring Father. 36:15 You know, it sounds like 36:17 all of the changes in your life were amazing, 36:19 as far as finding out who you are, 36:21 who God is, when you talk about the joy, you know, 36:24 being you're strength 36:26 and coming from that kind of place of sorrow to joy. 36:30 It sounds like God kind of, 36:32 did He put you with a body of Christ? 36:34 Did He put you with a number of other people 36:36 that were on the same journey? 36:37 Did you go to church any? 36:39 You know, actually no. I didn't. 36:41 This was just something that I did alone, you know, 36:45 and sometimes that is our journey. 36:47 God just wants us alone with Himself, 36:50 you know, learning to walk with Him. 36:51 So no, I'm doing this on my own, just me and God. 36:55 Family, anybody in the family changed? 36:58 Were they nicer, did, you know... 37:00 No, and in fact I have two sisters 37:03 that are still abusing themselves 37:05 and a brother, you know, in and out of prison, you know, 37:10 he just can't get his feet on solid ground. 37:13 When he is free, he's back to the drugs and the alcohol, 37:16 you know, so I still have a lot of work to do, you know. 37:20 Right, but, you know, what I love about God 37:22 is 'cause what you're saying is that, 37:24 in the midst of all of that craziness, 37:27 not really anybody kind of standing up with me, 37:30 God was still faithful. 37:31 Yes. 37:33 He still got me through that day 37:34 and the next day and the next day, 37:36 and I've hung out with you and there is joy. 37:39 I mean it is ridiculous. Yes. 37:41 I can see your love for God. 37:43 I can see your hope for the future, 37:45 all of those kind of things. 37:46 I'm gonna open it up for questions. 37:48 I'm gonna just find out 37:50 'cause I know that you upfront here. 37:52 We've got a number of people on the cafe 37:54 and I just wanna say, thank you, guys 37:56 and it's nice seeing you. 37:58 This story is crazy cool for me and so, Nikko, 38:03 do you have any questions or comments? 38:05 Yes I do. 38:07 My name is Nikko Hill and I had the same journey 38:11 as you did, Connie. 38:12 And based on that, 38:14 I'm gonna be able to share not my testimony 38:16 but God's testimony. 38:17 The power, the restoration, power of Jesus Christ 38:21 and I see that in your testimony. 38:22 My question to you is, Connie, 38:24 have you gone back to your family? 38:26 Have you gone back to your own Garden of Eden? 38:28 Have you witnessed to them the power of Jesus Christ 38:32 to your brother who is in and out of prison, 38:34 in and out of his drug addictions? 38:35 To your mother who's still on the bondage 38:38 of what went through and what she went through 38:42 by the abuse that she was taking? 38:43 Have you gone back, 38:45 have you showed them the Holy Spirit 38:46 that emanates from the inside? 38:48 Have you been a witness to your own family? 38:50 That would be my question. 38:51 Yes and... 38:53 Do they work? 38:54 Some are receptive and some aren't, 38:57 some are yes definitely... 38:59 I remember, I remember just trying to do that, 39:03 some what in my family and almost the anger and rage, 39:07 my mom said that my sister was on life support, 39:10 you know, she's a stripper and turning 15, 39:13 had DUIs and all that kind of stuff 39:15 and she is now on life support 39:17 after, you know, doing a number of drives 39:19 and her stomach kind of, just blew a hole in her stomach 39:22 and they barred me from the room with her 39:26 because they didn't want me to pray. 39:27 And my mom said to me seriously, 39:29 if I am dying, do not think 39:33 that you have the right to pray for me. 39:34 So some people when you would do that journey, 39:37 it's a, you have to some how just say, 39:39 "God, you gonna have to do it in my silent presence 39:43 because they're not hearing me," 39:45 and God says "I got this." 39:47 Right. I got this. 39:49 Yes, because, you know, 39:50 actually my mother is still living in, 39:53 with pretence or in pretence, you know, 39:56 and that becomes a comfort zone for the other people, 39:59 you know, that's the way of functioning. 40:03 So they don't really know this new person that I am, 40:06 you know, I mean, I'm still getting to know me but... 40:09 Amen. 40:10 And I tried to convey that, 40:12 "You guys don't really know who I am anymore 40:15 because see, I'm on the outside, 40:17 looking in now and I know your journey, 40:19 I know how you are suffering, I know you are in pain, 40:23 you have a wound that's need to be uncovered and cleaned." 40:27 Amen. 40:28 What I'd love, I love... 40:29 thank you, Nikko, for that question. 40:31 What I love about that question 40:33 is that we really do want to bring in hope and recovery 40:37 to our family 40:39 but and I don't know about your boys, 40:41 like how are your boys doing? 40:43 They are great and I shared with them my life and I said, 40:47 "Look, this is all going in a book, 40:48 you know, I want you to know before it comes out, you know." 40:52 "Oh, mom, we already knew this, we knew that." 40:55 You know, so children know more 40:57 than what they let on that they know, you know, 41:00 but we have a healthy good loving relationship. 41:03 And what I like to say about that, it's like, 41:06 I have a daughter and now that has never done a drug, 41:10 she's just finished her Masters program, 41:12 she has an incredible career, is married to a great guy, 41:15 I mean, I love you, guys. 41:17 I love them but it's like a generational thing, 41:20 it's like the current was all going in one direction 41:23 and somebody decides to step up 41:24 and fight in the current changes. 41:26 And I'm glad to say that 41:28 because my oldest son actually suffered from a PTSD 41:34 after coming home from serving this country 41:37 and he, oh, oh, 41:39 he suffered all of the ills of the emotional trauma, 41:44 you know, but I went through what I went through 41:47 so that I could understand what he went through 41:50 but he is so much better, he got the help that he needed 41:53 and, you know, like you said... 41:55 And you have hope that he needed. 41:57 Yes. 41:58 You know, I know that God is bigger than this 42:01 and I'm not saying any of it was right, 42:02 I'm not saying any of it was good, 42:04 but I know that we have a good God. 42:06 Right, and I know He didn't spare your life there 42:08 to bring you home to make ours miserable 42:11 or for you to suffer, you know, 42:13 but, yeah, He's doing wonderful, 42:15 you know, and like you said, "Someone has to stand up 42:18 and say, you know what? 42:19 This has to stop somewhere" 42:22 so that the psycho world continues to be perpetuating, 42:25 you know, it has to stop. 42:27 When you talk about that 42:28 it's like being able to say is that, 42:30 that it isn't a easy battle. 42:33 Like if I ask you, has it been an easy change for you 42:36 to come from all of that 42:38 to figuring out how are you in a, 42:41 what most people would say a normal life, 42:43 has that been easy? 42:45 No, because the truth is 42:46 you have to change the way you think. 42:49 You have to 42:50 because if you don't change the way you see things, 42:52 you'll never change you're life. 42:54 Amen. 42:55 So let me just rephrase that a little bit, 42:57 I know that you're gonna hear what I'm saying. 42:59 You have to allow God to change the way you think. 43:00 Absolutely. 43:02 You know, 'cause in the Bible, when you say 43:03 you go to the Word of God, it says, 43:05 "Can a leopard like change its spots." 43:07 You know, can you change the color of your skin 43:09 or how tall you are or how short you are 43:11 or any of that stuff. 43:12 God said," Let me worry about all that." 43:14 So I just have, I need to surrender 43:15 because God says, "We're doing a whole, 43:19 I wanna show you who you were created to be 43:21 not who you the lies turned you into." 43:23 Right, 'cause if I have the mind of Christ 43:26 then I have a renewed mind. 43:29 So do you feel today, do you feel loved? 43:32 Oh, yes, I feel loved, I feel empowered, 43:37 you know, I feel that good things can 43:41 and are happening to and for me. 43:44 Amen. Amen. Yes. 43:46 We're gonna go ahead and take a break 43:47 but I'd like you to come back 43:49 just to close this whole thing out. 43:51 Is that okay? Okay. 43:52 Okay, we'll be right back. 43:54 And if you have a question, 43:56 whether you are loved or you could make it 43:57 or whether you could love someone else under recovery, 44:00 put those questions aside 44:02 'cause God says," Yes, yes, and yes." 44:04 We'll be right back. Amen. |
Revised 2016-09-26