Participants: Cheri Peters (Host), Nico Hill
Series Code: CLR
Program Code: CLR000128B
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00:01 The following program discusses sensitive issues
00:03 related to addictive behavior. 00:05 Parents are cautioned that some material 00:06 may be too candid for younger children. 00:13 You know, we're talking about angels 00:15 and God reaching into a spiritual realm that 00:17 sometimes we forget exist. 00:19 You know, we don't even remember, 00:21 you know, where we are sometimes. 00:23 But I want to say, I was at an airport, 00:25 before I introduce you to Nico, 00:27 I'm at a airport and this woman comes up 00:29 and she's crazy, I mean she is crazy, 00:31 she is screaming and yelling 00:33 and she looks right at me and she said "You! 00:37 You know what, I can see angels," 00:39 and everybody in the airport now is looking at me, 00:41 because she's loud, right. 00:43 And she said, "You have the biggest angel 00:45 I have ever seen around you." 00:48 And at that moment I thought man, 00:50 I hope she's not crazy. 00:52 I hope this is true. 00:54 And so, when I introduce you to Nico, 00:55 I wanted to say, I am so glad you're here. 00:58 Thank you. 01:00 But you know when I'm talking about that 01:01 whole spiritual realm, the unseen forces 01:04 when you're pulled from the abyss, 01:05 is that actual, will you actually pull them, 01:08 can you talk about that a bit? 01:10 Yes, I can, and before I do, 01:12 Cheri, I just wanted to tell you, 01:14 that in my three years of ministry, 01:16 five and a half years of sobriety, 01:18 three years in ministry 01:20 that one of the first programs I watched was your program. 01:24 And it really spoke to me, so I wanna all your viewers, 01:28 and all your partners, and all your listeners 01:30 to understand that 01:31 it works and not because of man, 01:33 but because of the Holy Spirit... 01:35 Amen. 01:36 That goes before you and speaks to you, 01:38 so I just wanted to let you know that. 01:39 Thank you for that. 01:40 'Cause, you know, you speak to something really, 01:42 really deep in me 01:43 that I can't do this 01:46 if it's not making a difference, 01:47 it has to mean something. 01:49 So thank you for that. That was a gift. 01:51 Validation and confirmation 01:52 from the governments to have in. 01:54 All right. All right. 01:56 So who are you? 01:58 Well, basically, you know, 01:59 just to let you know to paint the pictures 02:02 of the handprint of God on my life and of the enemy. 02:07 I grew up in a home. 02:09 My father is and was a Seventh-day Adventist. 02:14 To give you a little genealogy of what happened. 02:17 My mother was a praying woman. 02:22 She was though into witchcraft, 02:24 into numerology, into astrology. 02:27 She read Ouija boards. 02:29 At the same time, 02:30 she would always watch our power. 02:33 My father Seventh-day Adventist, 02:35 worked for Loma Linda Foods, 02:38 and average Seventh-day Adventist 02:40 was battling demons. 02:42 We're gonna talk about the chains, 02:45 Cheri, the chains. 02:46 Even, generationally you just talk about people carry stuff, 02:49 they don't even know, how much they're carrying. 02:51 The generational curses that are put on us. 02:54 You know, God knew us before the foundations of time, 02:57 and there's babies being born addicted, 03:00 and I understand that 03:04 this generational curses, 03:06 we have to stand in that gap, 03:07 and we have to be willing to stand up, 03:08 and say okay, god, I ran from you, 03:10 now I'm gonna run to you, I am gonna run to you. 03:12 So my father will take us to church, 03:16 but I was a beat just about everyday that I can remember 03:20 and I mean beat to a point to where 03:23 you would go to prison, and you would go to jail. 03:25 But... 03:27 So, wait, wait, 03:28 so you are saying that if somebody knew 03:29 what was happening in your home, 03:31 more than likely your dad would have went to prison. 03:33 Oh, yeah for sure, without a doubt, 03:36 I had to wear long pants just to go to school, 03:39 and you know long sleeves to cover the bruises 03:42 and what else, just, you know, 03:44 just that physical damage 03:46 but it's not the physical damage. 03:48 Really, when you're a child 03:49 you blame yourself automatically, 03:51 so I would sit in a room, and blame myself 03:52 what did I do wrong? 03:54 My mother, she was a screamer. 03:55 She would scream, 03:57 so you had these violent arguments. 03:58 I never saw him lay his hand on her, 04:01 he would take it on me. 04:02 I was the punching, the board, 04:04 you know, I was the one he would go to. 04:06 So I remember in particular one evening, 04:11 they were fighting and it was getting loud, 04:13 and I don't know, I am sure that you know, 04:15 your viewers can understand that when you're child, 04:16 you just put the covers over your head, 04:18 want to go away, want to go away. 04:21 And I was hearing about God and singing this, 04:22 " Love me, Jesus loves me this I know..." 04:24 In church 04:25 In church and getting beat, 04:27 and getting beat, 04:28 so I thought to myself where is God, who is God? 04:32 Is He gonna allow me to get beat like this. 04:35 Man, you need to stop this, 04:38 but I didn't know where to turn to, 04:39 I didn't know who to ask, and my mother walked in there, 04:42 and I guess, 04:44 she had hit him over the head with a pool stick 04:45 and he was bleeding, she was bleeding. 04:47 She would always run to me and tell me 04:49 this is what happened and your father is this 04:51 and your father is that and my father will say, 04:53 "Your mom's crazy, you know, 04:54 I am gonna get a gun and blow my head up, 04:56 I am out of here." 04:58 So this was the dialogue 04:59 that was going on in my household. 05:01 Nico, I would like you 05:03 to just kind of paint that picture a little bit more, 05:05 I see blood everywhere, 05:06 I see guns, I see people crazy, 05:09 but when they're telling you that. 05:11 How old were you? 05:14 Whether you're man or you're a boy? 05:16 No, no, no 05:17 I was a seven and half, eight years old. 05:20 And my mom came to the room 05:25 and I had the blanket over my head 05:28 and she said to me, 05:31 "Did you hear what your father said? 05:34 Did you understand what was going on? 05:37 Do you know how violent this is getting? 05:39 Do you understand how sick this is? 05:42 You know, he even wants to go get a gun 05:44 and blow his head off. 05:45 He is trying to commit suicide. 05:46 What you gonna do about that?" 05:48 I mean, and I took the covers off of my head, 05:51 and I looked at her, 05:53 just like I am looking you, I said, 05:54 "Life is a game, winners and losers, 05:56 preaches and boozers 05:57 if you ask me, it's all the same 05:59 and no one gives nothing, you must try and try again, 06:02 even though it's often to the better end. 06:04 Is there a moral to the story? 06:06 You mean after all this, can't you just fill the glory? 06:08 Is there a silver lining around that cloud 06:10 or do we go through our life, our heads bowed, 06:12 our dreams they stay inside, 06:14 the people with the power keeping our hands tight." 06:16 And my mom looked at me, and she said, "What?" 06:22 I'm thinking that too so in your stress, 06:26 and your craziness 06:28 that you literally are working at out through 06:30 what you write or those kinds of things, 06:33 so you... 06:35 that was in your head. 06:36 It's very hard to understand, 06:37 but that was the first validation 06:39 that the Holy Spirit was reaching me, 06:42 consoling me and telling me a story, 06:46 in other words, so I can relate to grown ups... 06:49 Right. 06:50 I can relate to the situation at hand, 06:53 at the same time she said, 06:54 "Where did you write that? 06:55 Where did you copy that? 06:57 How did you say that?" 06:58 And then finally she didn't say anything 07:01 and she just turned and walked out of the room. 07:03 But all that violence was quiet after that. 07:08 Everybody was stunned. 07:09 Everybody was... 07:11 Well, just my mom and I was in the room. 07:12 But, yeah, she was stunned 07:13 and I didn't know where it came from, 07:16 I didn't know who the author was. 07:18 But it's gonna make sense 07:19 when we talk later on about the journey. 07:21 So things continued. 07:24 Yes. 07:25 They get crazier. Yes. 07:27 You know, and I like that the fact 07:28 that you're going back there 'cause somebody said, 07:30 "How could you be in a cage 07:32 and beat someone almost to death, 07:35 and walk out and not think about it." 07:37 I mean you learned from very young. 07:39 You picture this, 07:41 now I am going back to my father... 07:42 Yeah. 07:44 12 years old, 13 years old, 07:45 I found this out later on in life. 07:48 He walks into an apartment, 07:51 and he witnesses his uncle blow his mother's head off, 07:57 which would be my grandmother. 07:59 Then turn around, 08:00 look at my dad and blow his head off. 08:02 I can't even imagine. 08:05 Those demonic spirits, 08:06 those chains of bondage, 08:10 and those chains of oppression that are placed upon us. 08:14 There is malicious intent by the enemy 08:16 and those are those generational curses 08:19 and they just perpetuate and perpetuate. 08:22 So that was the role 08:23 that I was on much like the demoniac in Galileans... 08:26 So, I got to say there 08:28 'cause for a lot of people that concept is so crazy. 08:32 When you watch a thread in a family, 08:35 and you watch violence or you watch anger 08:37 or you watch that kind of rage. 08:39 And you can trace it back, the enemy, 08:43 like you said strategically set you up even from birth. 08:46 Yes, because he knows that God has a plan, and a purpose. 08:52 He knew us before the foundations of time... 08:54 For each one of us... 08:55 He knows that, for each one of us. 08:56 We're all overcome by the blood of the Lamb 08:58 and word of our testimony. 09:00 There is no blood of the lamb, 09:01 there is no word of our testimony, 09:02 what is it worth? 09:04 Right. 09:05 But we don't know that at that time. 09:06 We just think we're in a situation. 09:08 There is violence, there is abuse. 09:09 Everybody is used to getting divorced, 09:11 calling it quits, tapping out, 09:12 throwing in towel, and that oppression, 09:14 those generational curses, 09:18 that demonic oppression, 09:20 spiritual solitary confinement 09:22 to where those voices of the enemy 09:25 get louder and louder. 09:27 And I was just starting to see the very beginnings of that. 09:31 And understand that there is the belief 09:34 that Seventh-day Adventist is the belief, 09:35 if somebody believes in God, 09:36 trying to live their life as a good Christian, 09:39 but is beating, and stealing, 09:42 and cheating, and lying, and drinking. 09:45 But let me just go back to where you said, 09:47 that unseen world or the enemy is that, 09:50 when you hold on to Christianity on one hand 09:53 and your rage in another or your addictions in another. 09:57 The shame that wells up and you just causes more rage, 10:01 more anger, more acting out. 10:02 So you're threatening suicide. Right. 10:04 So now you're threatening in suicide 10:05 and you're beating your kids and all that kind of stuff. 10:07 There is no way that the enemy 10:09 will let you hold down to those two things, 10:11 and I really believe that I love the way you that 10:14 you said is that in our home even the enemy was screaming, 10:19 is screaming that none of you... 10:21 But the door was open. The door was open. 10:23 Yeah. 10:24 The door was open 10:25 and at the same time you mention that, 10:29 you know, there was many times 10:31 where I had to talk to my father 10:32 out of blowing his brains out, he would have a gun, 10:36 and he would have a conversation with me, 10:37 a rational conversation... 10:39 As he is holding the gun. 10:40 Yeah, and matter of fact there was one time 10:41 I walked into the garage, 10:43 they just had a fight and argument. 10:44 He was cheating on her all the time. 10:46 And she was taking all kind of prescription drugs. 10:49 My brother was born addicted to the prescription drugs 10:53 and had several operations, 10:55 as he was six years my younger. 10:57 He was kicked under the carpet 11:00 and I was the one that was everything was going to go to, 11:03 you know, whatever my mom 11:04 and my father are coming to me, 11:06 she was gonna be telling me about 11:07 what was going on in the situation 11:09 and you're not a child, you never had that opportunity. 11:12 You know what that's like, 11:13 you don't grow up as adolescent having a child. 11:16 I don't know what that feels like... 11:17 You didn't know what that feels like. 11:18 No, you're immediately thrown into the adult world, 11:20 and you have no business being there... 11:22 Right. 11:23 And the enemy knows that... Right. 11:24 So he uses every little thing and you know, 11:27 I think that you can't serve two masters, 11:28 you gonna love one and hate the other. 11:30 But we'll serve, we were saved to serve, 11:33 we were born to serve, 11:34 that's exactly what we're here to do is to serve, 11:37 to be a servant, 11:38 a willing humble obedient servant. 11:39 And that's an incredible thing to say 11:41 'cause what you're saying is in my anger 11:42 and my rage, and in that craziness, 11:44 I looked up and the one who was standing there 11:46 waiting for me to serve him was the devil himself. 11:49 This is exactly right, 11:50 and I say that with all honesty, 11:53 just to be candid because it's important 11:55 to cut cuts deep... 11:57 Yeah. 11:58 The scars are deep. 12:00 The wounds are there until 12:03 we are covered by the blood of Jesus. 12:05 So, you go from this little seven, eight year old, 12:09 that has to start figuring out, 12:11 how am I going to make everyone survive. 12:13 How am I gonna keep this all together. 12:15 And I am sure that your father's rage, 12:18 your uncle's rage, your grandfather's rage 12:20 just went right into your hands, here... 12:22 I never obviously met my uncle because he committed suicide. 12:26 My grandmother was murdered by him 12:28 so I never met her either. 12:29 My father picked up friends along the way 12:32 and would see something good about them or vice versa. 12:35 And I knew my father grew up very hardy, 12:38 joined armed forces, lied about his age. 12:41 He had no business having kids. 12:43 He had no business having kids. 12:45 But at the same time 12:47 because you've a child does make you a father. 12:49 And I don't want a demon as my father 12:51 because I love my father, 12:53 and the Bible says, "Call no other man, 12:56 father but me, I am your father." 12:58 This is your earthly father, but I am your father. 13:01 And that's, that gives us our life back, 13:03 I mean for some people that's the most important thing 13:06 that they will ever get. 13:08 So you went from this kid. 13:10 What was your next part of that journey? 13:12 What did you do next? 13:13 Well, I went from couch to couch 13:16 and I was molested, 13:19 you know, I was taken advantage of. 13:21 I would stay at people's places 13:23 just because I was good in sports 13:25 and they would offer me a place to stay, 13:27 you know, they would offer me a room to be in. 13:30 And, you know, 13:32 I got to a point to were I was like, 13:33 you know, I am gonna go back to my dad. 13:35 So, and I've got to just say this 13:38 'cause you know what I saying is that 13:40 for kid that needs someone to be real 13:44 and to love us. 13:45 We are really set up by our Peta files 13:48 and perpetrators 13:49 because we just need that 13:50 they know that we're easy marks. 13:52 We can be groomed easily 13:54 and what you're saying is 13:55 because of all this craziness, 13:58 you were literally moved around and groomed by somewhat. 14:02 Well, as a young child, I mean, you know, 14:04 if you're looking at Playboy 14:05 or your looking at Penthouse, 14:07 you're looking at any one of these magazines, 14:08 they are always around my house and much, 14:10 much worse much, much more graphic. 14:12 That becomes a norm, that becomes a norm. 14:14 I was staying with the prostitutes 14:16 when I was a little child 14:18 'cause they had a place for me to stay. 14:20 And you just see so much, 14:22 but, you know, I decided, 14:24 you know what I am gonna become an athlete, 14:28 I'm gonna dive into martial arts... 14:30 How old now? 14:31 At that time, I was about 7, 8, 9, 14:33 about 10, 13... 14:35 Okay... 14:36 Between 10 and 13, 14:37 I started to box, I started to... 14:39 As I said, 14:40 I was gonna stay with my father, 14:42 and this is the point where 14:45 I believe the enemy really came at me. 14:48 As he wasn't there, 14:50 it was my dad's fiancée and she had said, 14:55 "Where is your father?" 14:56 And my mom had just dropped us out, 14:57 we're just busy with my mom. 14:59 My brother went, go to sleep. 15:00 I stayed up, 15:02 and she said, "Where is your father?" 15:04 I mean, you know he is cheating on me, 15:05 he is this, he is that. 15:07 She is just demonizing him in front of me. 15:09 I don't want to say anything, 15:10 she is drinking, smoking, 15:13 and then she seduces me in my father's bed. 15:19 And after the deed was done, 15:21 the guilt and the shame... 15:24 Was off the chart... 15:25 I couldn't even breathe. 15:27 You know, when you talk about, 15:28 the enemy comes in and it literally says, 15:31 "I'm gonna chain you up where you can't even move." 15:34 And those kinds of things is like 15:37 you can feel the difference. 15:38 Shame you, break you, 15:42 then take you. 15:44 Killers don't destroy, 15:46 but you don't know that unless you read the word, 15:48 you don't know that unless you're in the light... 15:50 That's right. 15:51 So you're just wondering why is this happening to me? 15:54 And then, you find your sanctuary, 15:57 you find your worship in art and sports and business. 16:01 And whatever it is you're gonna crime, 16:04 whatever you gonna do, you're gonna do it all the way. 16:07 That's what you worship, that's what you believe in, 16:09 that's what you live, that's what you breathe, 16:10 that's what you eat. 16:12 And yours was fighting 16:13 Yes, martial arts, boxing 16:15 and from that it progressed to, you know, 16:19 high school but in high school, 16:21 I was only there to play football, 16:22 I wasn't there for, I didn't cared, 16:23 I didn't graduate high school to be honest with you, 16:26 didn't graduate high school. 16:27 I knocked out the PE coach 16:30 because... 16:31 When you say, 16:32 you knocked him out, you knocked him out. 16:34 Knocked him out, yeah 'cause he... 16:35 I was gonna say, 16:36 there might be a term that you're using, 16:38 but I'm thinking you just... 16:39 Yeah, knocked him. 16:41 He was actually trying to come 16:44 at one of my step sisters, 16:46 she told me about it. 16:48 So he decided to get physical with me 16:51 and he went to sleep, and I didn't graduate. 16:54 So now what am I gonna do, you know, 16:56 I had all this martial arts background 16:59 and I decided, you know what, 17:03 I will go ahead and do movies 17:06 because the entertainment field was calling, 17:09 I was doing extra work 17:10 and went for being non-union extra 17:14 to actually being a principal 17:16 in probably over 30, 35 action films. 17:18 'Cause you were in Bloodsport movies... 17:20 Bloodsport 2. 17:21 Yeah. Yeah. 17:22 So and I just like to say that 'cause someone says, 17:24 I decided to do movies, 17:27 you literally stepped into that world. 17:30 That's the whole thing... 17:31 Very comfortably 17:33 That's exactly right, 17:34 because that is the power of the mind. 17:36 Yeah. 17:38 The power of eye, 17:39 I am gonna do this, I am gonna do that 17:41 and the enemy will welcome you in with open arms, 17:43 welcome you in with open arms... 17:45 Just long as it's not recovery, I'll give it to you. 17:46 As long as it edifying, 17:48 uplifting the evil and the darkness, 17:50 and the brokenness, and the hopelessness. 17:52 But I was flirting with the demons. 17:56 I haven't made my bed there yet. 17:57 So, I was doing the movies, I didn't even know who I was, 18:00 Cheri, because playing so many different parts, 18:02 taking out so many characters, 18:04 and you become that character 18:06 and then the ego, and the pride, 18:08 and worldly entitlement and the arrogance, 18:11 it just becomes a part of you, 18:12 it just becomes the part of you. 18:14 And then the voices, 18:15 the voices that are telling you, 18:17 you know, things that are not right to do, 18:19 and things that are negative, 18:23 and things that are dark, 18:24 and things that, you know, 18:26 you need to just go here 18:27 and do this and be with that person. 18:29 Those became very, very loud 18:31 because I decided that, 18:33 hey, I am gonna be a A list motion picture, 18:38 you know, action star, that's my life, 18:41 that's were I am going and when that fell apart... 18:44 And fell a part because why? 18:46 You know, I like to say, I am a self-destructor. 18:50 I go into things, 18:52 I achieve a certain amount of success... 18:55 now what? Right. 18:57 Now what? 18:58 And I also see the hand of the enemy, 19:03 but I also see the hand of the Holy Spirit. 19:06 Because the enemy will build this up, 19:09 tell us lies, 19:11 feed you a five course meal on a five star hotel... 19:14 Give you five or six lines of... 19:16 And then tear you down, 19:18 and kick you to the curb, 19:20 and laugh when you take your last breath. 19:21 Yeah. 19:23 So and I didn't know that at the time. 19:24 So now, I am going from movies and I've got, 19:27 you know red carpet treatment in everything. 19:29 But let me just say 19:30 'cause people will see that red carpet treatment, 19:32 they'll see that kind of stuff. 19:34 But they don't see those darker doors have opened up. 19:37 They don't see what we can jump into a relationships 19:39 or sexual stuff or drugs or whatever. 19:42 I think that it's almost like a hidden reality. 19:47 But, man, 19:48 when you step through some of those doors, 19:50 it's a whole another world. 19:51 You can't really bring the Holy Spirit 19:57 with you in some of these situations 19:59 to where you have to be sold out to the enemy, 20:02 you have to be sold out to the darkness, 20:04 and if you think about it, 20:06 the strategy is amazing 20:08 because you are at the lights, camera, action, 20:10 you got all this flashing lights, 20:11 everybody wants to know your name, 20:13 just like in church, you know. 20:14 And you're celebrity, you're well known 20:17 and you fall in love with that. 20:19 But when you look in the mirror 20:21 and there is no one else around. 20:23 You know who you are. 20:25 And you see that person who is broken, 20:27 who was molested, who was beaten, 20:29 who has generational curses, 20:31 who has the weight of bondage upon him, 20:33 who can't even breathe, 20:34 who hates themselves, hate themselves, 20:37 you're headed for a very bad ending. 20:41 So what happened 20:43 'cause man, I want to root for that kid? 20:46 What happened 'cause it doesn't get better, 20:49 you end up taking that crash in that industry, 20:54 the entertainment industry. 20:56 Where do you go from there? 20:57 Well, I had a television series called Boom on Spike TV 21:01 and we blew up inanimate objects, you know, 21:05 and that was shortly lived 21:08 and when that felt apart, 21:12 you know, I said to myself 21:15 and I've done all these movies, 21:17 I was married twice. 21:19 I had more girlfriends that I can count, 21:22 I just wasn't happy with anything... 21:24 Drugs, alcohol all that stuff... 21:26 Alcohol was there... 21:27 Okay. 21:28 I was an alcoholic. Okay. 21:32 It gets real dark and you know it, Cheri, 21:34 you know exactly what I am talking about. 21:36 So I was flirting, I was dancing with the demons. 21:40 I wasn't flying with the angelic angels. 21:43 But, you know, if there was a holiday, 21:45 you could find me in church you know. 21:48 But at the same time, I wasn't sold out, 21:51 I wasn't fully surrendered. 21:53 And I'm in the entertainment field, 21:55 I have got everybody telling me, 21:56 oh, you're gonna do this, you're gonna do that, 21:58 and this television series gonna do this and that. 22:00 And when it all goes away 22:04 and you're in the privacy of your own humanity, 22:07 you either fight for the light or you die in the darkness. 22:11 And in that time of my life I consciously said, 22:15 "Okay, 22:19 I'm going into that dark world, 22:21 I'm gonna become a drug addict, 22:23 I am gonna overdose and I'm never coming back." 22:27 But in your mind, and can I ask you 22:32 'cause there is a part of that decision 22:34 for yourself even that feels rational, 22:37 it is like the enemy takes us to a place 22:39 where we're saying stuff like that 22:40 and we think we are making sense. 22:42 Broken promises, shattered dreams, 22:47 just life in general. 22:49 We know who is the Prince of this world. 22:51 Yeah. 22:53 The bells, the whistles, 22:54 the triggers, the shadows, 22:56 the images, the voices 22:58 and it's the little foxes that spoil the vines. 23:03 And I was at a point in my life where I was like, 23:07 I am done with people, 23:09 I am done with this world. 23:12 But I know another world. 23:13 And I'm gonna jump into it. Yeah. 23:16 So you did... 23:18 Yes, I did and, you know, 23:23 I started to do more and more drinking, 23:26 more and more drinking, 23:28 passing out, passing out. 23:29 And I was introduced to crystal meth. 23:34 And let me just say 23:35 because even where you were at initially, 23:39 you no longer will fit in that world 23:41 because you're now funneled 23:43 into a world that's even darker. 23:45 Yes, you extricate yourself out of that world, 23:48 and the scariest thing is 23:49 when you make a conscious decision 23:52 to go into that dark world, 23:54 to go into that world of addictions, 23:56 that world of demonic possessions, 23:59 spiritual solitary confinement. 24:01 If you go into that world with malicious intent, 24:04 it's like seeing at a table 24:06 and I don't know 24:07 if your viewers or your listeners 24:09 understand what Russian roulette is. 24:12 And they take a gun they spin it 24:13 and it's up to what they call fate where you live or die. 24:17 Yeah, there is a bullet somewhere in there. 24:19 Amen, there is a bullet somewhere in there 24:21 and at the same time, 24:22 I was playing a triple threat Russian roulette. 24:25 I wanted to die I just didn't have, 24:29 I just I understood that 24:31 if I blew my brains all over the wall, 24:33 that what family I did still have would see that. 24:37 And at those generational curses 24:39 would then go into them... 24:41 So you're thinking, you know, 24:43 from this little boy that was seven or eight is, 24:45 I don't want to do what my dad, 24:47 I don't want to that. 24:49 So it was really solemnly in there for you 24:52 but you're saying man, 24:54 "I'll take myself out at that in another way." 24:55 Cheri, I used to take my head and smash it against the wall 24:58 till I was bloody. 24:59 I would take my fist 25:01 and just crack, crack, crack 25:04 knock myself out and look at the mirror and go, 25:07 man I hate you, you're nothing, 25:10 you will never be anything, 25:11 echoing those lies of the enemy 25:15 and I don't look at people and say, 25:17 "Oh, it was your fault." 25:18 No, you were open to the enemy, 25:21 the enemy can use you. 25:23 You haven't made a decision yet. 25:24 You haven't made a choice yet, 25:25 you are still walking on that razor's edge. 25:28 The enemy will use you 25:30 to come against God's children. 25:31 So, you step into meth and that's a scary world 25:35 'cause I have friends that I love 25:38 and they stepped into that, and man, 25:40 it's almost like I can watch them disappear 25:42 right in front of me. 25:44 It is the drug that opens up the gateways to evil. 25:50 Anything that you thought you might not do, 25:53 because of compassion or empathy or sensitivity 25:55 towards what would be innocent is gone, it's gone. 26:00 And it starts out subtle, one day becomes one week, 26:04 one week becomes one year, 26:06 and before, you know it, 26:08 everything you have, everything you loved, 26:11 everything that you ever loved you... 26:12 Is gone... 26:14 Unconditionally it's gone, 26:17 it's gone and you have the enemy, 26:19 and you have evil to fall back on. 26:21 And for me once I started to do the crystal meth, 26:25 I was introduced to the world of dominatrix, 26:30 and the world of darkness as a bodyguard, 26:33 a protector of nefarious dark evil characters. 26:36 And I won't even give the people the credit 26:38 of mentioning their name, nor will I do that anyway. 26:40 Right. 26:41 But I won't even give them the power, that authority. 26:44 And so, as a bodyguard, as stepping in, 26:47 you are watching things become so twisted 26:53 because that's a twisted world. 26:54 I liked it... 26:56 People are paying for abuse, 26:57 so paying for... 26:58 Yes, it is, and people 27:00 that walk in there with suits and ties, 27:02 and big wallet full of money. 27:06 And I won't go into the detail what they ended up doing 27:08 and subjecting themselves to but I would watch it 27:12 because it was up to me to protect 27:14 the evil that was there. 27:16 They were slinging drugs, 27:18 they were doing all these different things, 27:19 mind control, 27:20 wrapping people up in plastic, 27:22 poking a hole, putting a pipe in their mouth, 27:25 smoking till they didn't even know their own name, 27:27 or where they came from, or who they were. 27:29 Pornography playing everywhere. 27:31 And you know in those kinds of worlds 27:33 they will take you almost to the point of death. 27:36 There is something worse than death 27:38 and that's living with the dead spirit. 27:42 That's powerful. Yeah. 27:44 And so, Nico, say that again and explain that. 27:55 Go ahead. 27:57 Yeah, when you have no more love for life 28:02 and you're spiritually dead 28:03 and the world is beating you to a point to where 28:06 you rather be dead but you can't, 28:09 you don't have the guts to even... 28:11 I won't even call it guts but you can't do it... 28:14 Right, you got to breathe again... 28:17 That the Holy Spirit is constantly reaffirming you, 28:21 reassuring you, 28:23 but you just shut it out, you shut it out. 28:25 When you can't hear that voice, 28:27 when you can't see that light, 28:29 when you can't throw that compassion, 28:32 when you're all by yourself and if you die, 28:35 there would be nobody 28:37 to even carry your ashes or bury you. 28:41 That's a point in your life for. 28:46 You're better off just as far as the enemy 28:49 and in the darkness sometimes expiring... 28:53 It feels that way. 28:54 It definitely does and I can relate to that, 28:57 the walking dead, the walking dead 29:01 but the same time God never, 29:05 and I know this, I know this, 29:07 God never stops pursuing His children. 29:13 How do you know that? 29:14 'Cause I'm listening to your story 29:16 and I am thinking that 29:17 there is got to be a million people 29:19 watching this program that says, 29:20 "Are you kidding me, you think God was there." 29:23 And what you were saying in your spirit 29:25 and even looking back is he was right there. 29:27 There's a... 29:29 I wouldn't have survived... 29:30 There is a priceless gift, 29:32 a lot of people overlook it. 29:35 It's free world. 29:37 It's free world. 29:39 God said, "You do what you are going to do. 29:41 The choices you make, the chances you take, 29:44 my son, my daughter will determine your faith. 29:48 But I will be with you, every step of the way. 29:52 But I gave you that, 29:54 I gave you so you can love me unconditionally." 29:57 That's right. 29:58 That's... 30:00 those choices, 30:01 that free will can take us to some very dark places, 30:07 but don't think for a moment. 30:10 That God is not knocking on your heart, 30:13 don't think for a moment, 30:14 that Jesus walked up that mountain on Golgotha, 30:16 took those nails 30:18 because He didn't love you, 30:22 because He didn't love you personally, 30:25 but I didn't know that. 30:26 And the enemy is so good at whispering, 30:28 lies and deception, 30:30 and you know are you no good, you'll never mount to anything, 30:34 nobody believes you... 30:35 Not even God Himself. 30:37 I wish you won't even born. 30:39 So how did you get... 30:40 Nico, how did you get from that place? 30:42 I am trying to beat my self senses 30:46 and how did you get from that place 30:48 in the middle of that world, 30:49 in the middle of a meth addiction 30:52 to where you started to look up and there is light. 30:56 I mean I can't even... 30:57 right now, I can't even imagine it. 30:59 You know, 31:02 that quick, 31:03 that quick you could be dead... 31:05 Yeah. That quick. 31:07 It's not us, Cheri, 31:10 it's not us, 31:11 it's the Holy Spirit that stays there, 31:14 that angel that protects us 31:17 because we have it for purpose, 31:19 we have a plan. 31:21 We do, you did. Yeah. 31:23 You did and God was like, 31:26 I got you, don't trip. 31:29 I got your back, but you know what, 31:31 I am gonna let you make those choices 31:33 because you got to learn. 31:35 And then one day once you've learned 31:37 how much I love you, how much compassion, 31:39 how much empathy, how much sensitivity, 31:42 then you gonna be able to tell other people about it, 31:44 I trust you, you are a fighter. 31:46 You'll get through this, 31:48 so when I was in that darkness in that drug addiction. 31:51 I walked away from the evil, but I did something even worse. 31:56 And you're taught about prisoner of wars, 31:59 they find out that the battle is over. 32:01 They get out of their cages, 32:02 where they have been beaten and tortured and humiliated 32:05 and they go back to their families, 32:07 they go back to their loved one, 32:09 but you know what, 32:12 I found out that the battle was over. 32:14 And I was free to go, 32:15 but I turn right back and went into the cage 32:18 and locked and started beating myself 32:20 'cause I still hated myself. 32:24 So at that point in time, 32:26 is when God started to reach me through poetry. 32:30 And if you have ever see a puzzle, 32:32 you need to see the picture 32:34 in order to put that puzzle together. 32:36 That's absolutely... 32:37 Right... Yeah. 32:39 But can you imagine putting that picture together 32:40 or the puzzle together 32:42 when you don't have a picture. 32:43 No. 32:45 So, here I am in this world with nefarious dark characters. 32:48 That's like clowns from out of town hanging upside down. 32:50 And God, the Holy Spirit, Jesus Christ, 32:55 our creative Father thought enough of His child, 32:58 who was broken, who was lost, 32:59 who was addicted, 33:01 to start to give him words of compassion and empathy 33:05 You know in the midst of that craziness, 33:07 'cause I have heard some of the stuff you've written 33:09 and it's just is incredible. 33:11 So in the midst of that craziness, 33:13 God gives you a couple things. 33:14 Can you share one with us? 33:16 I can, I can 33:17 but I also want to let you know 33:19 that it was written in chronological order. 33:21 Okay. 33:22 If you can imagine over a decade, 33:24 it went from your spiritual, your physical suicide 33:28 to the calling to be my soldier to the fact that 33:31 we have an angel that protects us. 33:33 And one word at a time 33:36 through years and years and years of abuse, 33:39 5150 bipolar clinically pronounced dead in a room 33:45 where no one else is around so how is that happened. 33:47 It doesn't, your heart just stop. 33:48 For people who don't know 33:50 5150 is a psychiatrical literally thrown in. 33:52 You're just like... 33:54 how low, how much lower can I get. 33:59 And I hate even to ask that because the devils say, 34:01 "Oh, wait, I can show you some stuff." 34:03 Well, you know, 34:06 I realize one day when I looked in the mirror, 34:07 and I'll get into that, I spoke a word for you. 34:11 This will give it a build up. Okay. 34:13 I looked into the mirror and I was, 34:17 I am about 210 now, 34:18 I was probably about 145-150 pounds, 34:21 why emaciated drugs 34:25 told the story on my face, on my hands. 34:28 My hands shook like this, I couldn't put sense together, 34:32 I couldn't brush my hair, I couldn't brush my teeth. 34:34 I had nothing but, 34:35 I was like an animal living in the tombs. 34:38 Right, it's horrible. 34:40 And I looked in the mirror, 34:43 and I realize the monster 34:45 that I was running from not only lived inside, 34:48 but it was me. 34:51 And I had to finally put those pieces 34:53 that God had been written, writing on my heart together, 34:56 and I started to recite them, 34:57 and recite them, and recite them 35:00 and I started to make sense, 35:02 and I knew that he was calling me. 35:04 At that point in time, 35:05 I smashed the mirror, I smashed the glass, 35:07 it was all around me. 35:08 Went into my room 35:10 and locked the chains that were in my room. 35:13 I had glass pipes, 35:15 paraffin inhaler on the floor with drugs. 35:17 I smashed the drugs with my bare feet 35:20 and I smashed the windows and the people 35:23 that were staying there, 35:25 they left because they thought 35:26 I was gonna tear everybody up and take myself out, 35:30 and I stayed in this room bleeding 35:33 and tears pouring from my eyes, 35:36 and the enemy telling me you're no good to me anymore. 35:38 You dare to keep kids from being raped 35:43 and molested on my watch. 35:46 You dare to keep what you think is innocent 35:49 from being attacked on my watch. 35:51 I thought you were sold out to me. 35:55 I don't need you anymore. 35:57 You can blow your brains out now. 35:58 You can take your life. 36:00 And I thought finally, 36:02 finally I have peace, finally... 36:05 I get out of here. 36:07 And that little voice 36:08 that have been speaking to me the entire time 36:10 since I was that eight year old child 36:12 all through my addictions, all through the darkness, 36:14 all through anything that I have done in my life. 36:18 Hey, I love you, 36:21 he say get up. 36:23 He said, "You think you're gonna be dead 36:25 on the floor or you gonna get up 36:27 and you can walk out that door and you gonna be my soldier." 36:30 And I said, "God if you are real, 36:32 if you can hear me, 36:34 I want peace of mind that surpasses understanding. 36:37 I want a roof over my head. 36:39 I want food in my stomach, 36:40 but more importantly I need to resource, 36:43 so hat I can restore..." I need to tell someone. 36:46 And from that day, five and a half years ago, 36:51 you know, but in that room, 36:54 I'm bleeding from head to toe, 36:56 I saw Jesus on the cross in my head 37:01 and he just simply said in a whisper, 37:04 just in a whisper, 37:05 "My children don't love me, 37:07 they don't believe I was resurrected. 37:10 They think I am still on the cross." 37:14 I said, "Okay." 37:19 I surrender. 37:21 So one of the poems that he's written on my heart. 37:26 Actually I was gonna do couple 37:28 but one was called crying 37:31 and it was really about, you know, 37:34 the love that God has for instance. 37:35 "Here I am God and once again, 37:39 I make the choice to stand on my own. 37:42 The innocent Christ coming 37:44 from my mother's womb to as fallen, 37:46 beaten, confused, addicted child that 37:48 stands before you that 37:50 slowly give away pieces of his very own soul. 37:53 Your beautiful colors, 37:54 they're drifting in and out my mind 37:56 and heavenly music plays Lord, 37:57 but the truth is as you can see just out of time. 38:01 So please don't ask me why 38:03 if I'm gonna lay down my head tonight, 38:04 I know I will never wake to breathe, 38:07 to laugh, to cry 38:08 so take me away to a place I can finally be. 38:12 Take me away to a place that you prepared 38:15 that I will never again want to leave. 38:17 For I remember once 38:18 when you told me to go and seek out the wise men. 38:20 And when I do sit down and ask them, 38:23 did he truly have a plan and a purpose 38:26 for someone like me to do. 38:28 How long before I was to realize 38:29 the wise man was in your word, 38:31 your truth, your light, 38:32 your sacrifice, 38:35 your resurrection, 38:37 it's always in forever been in you. 38:39 And yet, here I am God 38:42 and once again I'll make the very wrong choices 38:43 to stand on my own. 38:44 Four corners in darkness 38:46 that all that my eyes can now see, 38:47 I realize this is my destiny. 38:51 So please have mercy, have sympathy, 38:53 have compassion on a fallen, 38:55 beaten, confused addicted child like me. 38:57 I hear the voices, I feel the chill, 38:59 Satan taunts me, all this demons harms me 39:02 and the tear of the new day is all that 39:03 keeps me alive. 39:04 I only exist at this moment in this place 39:07 for my own suicide. 39:10 He said, "No, here I am God, 39:12 you never left me alone. 39:15 I can hear your angels singing, 39:17 your Holy Spirit spoke to me gently, 39:19 he said, "Turn around my child, 39:21 get up and go back home." 39:23 So please ask me while 39:24 when I lay down my head tonight, 39:25 I will look into your eyes and I will reply, 39:28 I cannot wait to wake up, 39:29 breathe, laugh, and cry 39:31 for you are my before, you are my after, 39:34 you dried all of my tears. 39:36 You gave me your laughter, 39:37 you held me in your hand, 39:39 you guided me from the child to a man. 39:41 And now, I know in my heart 39:43 there will be a day when I will see you again, 39:45 and this time in heaven's time. 39:47 It will never end, 39:49 and that's one of the many 75,000 words 39:52 that he downloaded on my heart. 39:53 Well, I got to say, is even with that... 39:55 really that awareness said, you know, 39:58 it's almost like I am accepting my death, 40:01 but your death was actually your life. 40:04 It's like you are gonna walk out of this room 40:07 and I want to have you come back 40:09 and at the close and talk about that second one. 40:13 But before we get there is that 40:15 you got up and walked out of that door. 40:18 And so the last five years, you know sober like you said, 40:21 five years in ministry, three, 40:23 we have a little bit of time so take us there 40:26 'cause I know you're a powerful man of God 40:29 wanted to step into the lives of other people 40:31 that are struggling and telling them 40:33 you don't have to. 40:34 That's right. 40:36 You know, God needs no one to finish his work, 40:39 he allows us the honor and the privilege 40:42 to be an ambassador for him, 40:45 so that we can reach souls, point him to the cross, 40:48 so one day we can restart our own self. 40:50 He's always giving, always giving so 40:54 when that moment it happened, 40:57 I took all my drugs, all my paraffin inhaler, 41:01 everything that was in the room 41:04 and there was holes in the walls 41:07 and I mean blood and everything. 41:08 And I just sat there and I thought was that real, 41:14 did that really happen? 41:16 I need to get high. 41:18 I am fainting, it's only a dream. 41:20 I have been doing this, you know, for over 10 years. 41:23 You know they say that, 41:25 "An apple a day keeps everyone, 41:27 but the demons away," and it's true. 41:30 And... 41:31 That's a powerful statement. 41:33 Amen, amen. 41:34 Rock bottom you start the day you got them. 41:36 You know the journey, you've been there 41:39 and there was a knock at my door, 41:41 and it was the dealer. 41:45 And I thought... 41:47 Does he just get angry at the enemy. 41:48 I am angry that he says, 41:50 that moment the knock at the door 41:53 it's like are you kidding me. 41:54 Give me a break. 41:56 You know like a cop knock. 41:57 Yeah, yeah. Absolutely. 41:59 They don't bring donuts 42:00 early in the morning or did they? 42:01 But now I train cops. 42:03 So now you literally are trying to make that decision 42:08 knowing that, you know what, 42:10 everything is kind of screaming inside you 42:12 and the dealer is at the door. 42:14 The great controversy, I mean it was in my room. 42:16 Absolutely. 42:17 Evil, darkness, light, 42:18 redemption, forgiveness, 42:20 hate, anger, sloth, bitterness, 42:22 it was right there, all that was there. 42:25 And I'm sitting in the middle of it. 42:27 Am I on the streets 42:29 or am I on the wings of an angel? 42:31 So what happened? 42:33 Did you answer the door? Yeah. 42:35 I opened the door and you know he says, 42:38 "Hey, what's up dragon. 42:40 You know 42:42 I got what you want, you got cash?' 42:45 I am like, "Yeah, I got cash," I had the cash. 42:48 And this little voice was saying, 42:49 "Remember your promise." 42:52 That was it. 42:53 He'd already written, God's soldier on my heart. 42:55 I already knew what the calling was. 42:56 I already had the papers in my hand 42:58 from the governments of heaven. 42:59 I knew what I was there to do, so did Satan, 43:02 that's why he put the chains of bondage on me 43:04 when I was a child. 43:05 I knew it, but at that time 43:06 I was like, "Yeah, here's the cash, 43:08 so why I got to go cross town to get it." 43:10 I said, "Okay, let me just write you a check then. 43:12 And if you drop it I am gonna break your nose 43:14 and he know meaning that 43:16 ain't gonna happen right 43:18 and he looked at me 43:21 and he said a couple of choice words. 43:24 Signed it which didn't really come out with me 43:27 disrespectfully like that in those days, 43:29 so I took off his glasses 43:32 and I looked into deep into his eyes. 43:33 And I said, "I know who you are, 43:35 and I appreciate you're coming back at me like that," 43:39 but I don't want them, I don't need them. 43:41 And here's 20 bucks you can either... 43:43 get yourself some food 43:45 and here's a jacket in case you're cold. 43:48 But you need to go and never come back. 43:50 Now from that day, 43:51 I actually end up staying in a drug dealer's house 43:54 who told me I will not sell drugs to you. 43:57 You can stay here for free. 43:58 Watch my back, but I will not give you drugs. 44:01 So I am gonna stop you right here. 44:02 We are going to go out 44:04 and this is the end of the segment, 44:06 the end of the program. 44:08 I love you, I love that you're here, 44:09 I loved that we made some difference in your life, 44:12 and I love that 44:13 you're out there working for God. 44:15 But we're gonna take a break, we're gonna come back. 44:17 I would like Nico to come back with us. 44:20 That last thing that he wrote 44:22 one of the last things he wrote, 44:23 I want him to share that with you, 44:24 but I also want you to tell us a little bit more. 44:27 So stay with us and know that 44:29 God is bigger than all of this stuff. 44:31 It's amazing 44:33 and he will pull you right from the abyss. 44:35 We'll be right back. |
Revised 2016-09-29