Participants: Cheri Peters (Host), Stacey Bekkela
Series Code: CLR
Program Code: CLR000131B
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00:01 The following program discusses sensitive issues
00:03 related to addictive behavior. 00:04 Parents are cautioned that some material 00:06 may be too candid for younger children. 00:13 Welcome back. 00:14 My next guest Stacy Bekkela, 00:16 I just have to say when I first met her, 00:18 it was during a time in my life that I actually was afraid, 00:22 I've just been diagnosed with cancer. 00:25 You know I don't know what I'm gonna do with that, 00:27 how I'm going to act about that. 00:29 A friend of mine, Jim Moon is a pastor 00:31 was going to come in and do an anointing 00:33 and so Stacy and Aaron coming. 00:37 I know their background, 00:39 their background is coming from, you know, 00:42 kind of an alternative background like mine. 00:44 They've been damaged, they've worked in strip 00:46 or owned strip clubs and all of that kind of stuff, 00:49 and all the sudden when I realize 00:50 that they're going to be in the room during this prayer, 00:52 during this anointing, when, Stacy, 00:54 for one I want to say welcome to the program. 00:57 Thank you for having me. 00:58 When you were in the room and I looked up and I thought, 01:01 you know what, I feel like I'm looking up at my sister. 01:04 I think I'm looking up at somebody 01:06 that knows me well, and I said, 01:08 "Stacy, would you pray for me for this cancer stuff." 01:13 And you look scared to death. 01:15 That was terrifying, 01:16 very honored but very terrified. 01:18 What scared you about that? 01:19 Not knowing what to say and having to speak out loud 01:24 because my prayers were always silent. 01:28 Right. 01:29 And I know at that point because you were so new, 01:31 it's like am I good enough, 01:33 do I have the right to approach God? 01:35 Oh, absolutely. 01:36 I think that's been an issue for me my whole life 01:39 just not feeling worthy, not feeling good enough 01:42 and certainly that situation there was no difference. 01:46 I recognize that look in your face. 01:48 I mean as I said that, I recognize that 01:50 and I wanted to grab you on the face 01:52 and I think I did say to you. 01:53 Everyone in this room has something to say 01:56 and they're here because they love me. 01:58 They're here because they want to help 02:01 and they want to pray but I thought, 02:02 you know, Stacy, you know me. 02:04 We're from the same background. 02:07 I would be honored if you prayed and you did, 02:11 it was so cool. 02:12 I was just crying so hard 02:15 and putting the oil all over your head 02:18 and thinking, "Oh, her words are going to be so greasy." 02:23 No, but I got to say... 02:26 I didn't know where to place the oil, 02:28 I really didn't. 02:29 I want to be anointed right 02:30 and that was the funniest thing, 02:32 I wasn't going to call you out on that, 02:33 but now that you mention it but it was so funny, 02:35 because I wanted to be anointed and so I looked at the pastor 02:38 and I said, "Can she anoint me?" 02:41 Right, and I just felt like it was so God 02:44 and can she anoint me and I had to do the oil 02:47 and you looked at me like I have no idea 02:49 and then you just pour the whole thing on me. 02:51 I wanted to make sure we used enough. 02:54 Yeah. 02:55 Make sure that this is right. Right. 02:57 I love you. 02:59 Yeah, I wanted to do my best but yeah, it was a scary thing 03:03 just not knowing what to say and... 03:07 From that day to this day I am honored to know you. 03:11 I am honored to know you. 03:12 I have to say, I want you to kind of walk us 03:16 through your life, you know, 03:19 because you had a life that was so, 03:21 there's no reason you should be sitting here 03:23 looking as healthy and beautiful as you look. 03:27 So who were you? Who is your family? 03:30 How did you grow up? 03:31 So I grew up in Arkansas, 03:34 with the family similar to your family, 03:40 everybody doing drugs, 03:42 my mother pregnant with me at 15 03:45 with my father abusing her. 03:48 Finally she got out of that 03:49 and went to live with her mother, 03:51 my grandmother, 03:54 and I must have been may be four... 03:55 All in a big house. 03:57 Yeah, all in a bigger home, 03:59 I was about four years old at the time. 04:02 I just remember my grandma having these wild parties. 04:07 She didn't want me to call her grandma for one thing 04:10 because, she was an awful young lady 04:13 to be a grandmother at the time and... 04:15 She was embarrassed by the whole thing... 04:17 I know she loved me but yeah, 04:19 she was embarrassed to be called grandma 04:21 in front of all of her friends 04:22 that, you know, she'd throw these big parties 04:25 and you know smoking pot in front of me 04:27 was just normal 04:29 just what you did in front of children, 04:32 they would go to the other room to do other things 04:34 or send me out of the room to do the other things. 04:37 Certainly knew 04:39 that that other things were going on pretty early on. 04:42 So you're talking about pot probably, 04:45 meth probably, all of that stuff. 04:47 And for... 04:49 man, for some people they will say, 04:51 "I just don't get that world." 04:53 But you know I've seen on Facebook 04:55 where somebody is actually smoking some weed 04:58 and blowing it into the face of a one month old 05:00 or a small baby so that's some people's lives. 05:04 This is my life. Yeah. 05:06 And that was my life growing up and in elementary school. 05:11 I really loved school, was good in school. 05:16 And sometimes, 05:18 I saw it as just a nice safe place to go, 05:21 but there was... 05:22 I could be normal here. 05:23 Right there was quite a bit of education 05:26 when I was in elementary school toward drug awareness, 05:31 drugs are bad 05:33 and so I just remember thinking, 05:37 wow, when then my family is bad, 05:39 and I had a grandmother on one side of my family 05:44 that would take me to church with her 05:45 and so I was saved 05:47 and I knew Jesus from my pretty early age, 05:52 I would say maybe eight 05:55 I was saved and baptized and... 05:59 You have the, you have a grandma here 06:01 that says, you know, 06:03 "Man, somebody's got to reach into this kid's life." 06:06 You've got a grandma here saying, 06:08 "You don't call me grandma 06:09 and I'm just high all the time." 06:11 And you got a school saying just say no to drugs, 06:13 the drugs are bad. 06:14 I had a lot going on. Yeah, absolutely. 06:16 I can't even imagine 06:18 this kid's head spinning, you know, just... 06:19 I was just, I remember riding on my bicycle 06:22 through the trailer parks, you know, 06:24 just talking with Jesus. 06:26 You know, and that was very comforting. 06:30 What did you say to him? 06:31 Do you remember any of those conversations? 06:33 Sometimes they would just be conversations 06:36 that I would have with anybody, 06:38 just a friend, he was such a friend. 06:42 So now you are literally learning to adapt 06:48 wherever you are at. 06:50 Oh, absolutely. 06:51 I've always said, it doesn't matter what crowd it was, 06:54 I could fit in anywhere. 06:56 Older crowd, you know, more of a roughneck type crowd, 07:00 I could pretty much fit in wherever I needed to fit in... 07:04 You could be whatever, 07:05 whatever someone wanted you to be. 07:07 Absolutely, and I could feel fine with that. 07:09 Right. Yeah. 07:10 So what happened next? 07:12 Because that's crazy... 07:13 so far it has got to be just crazy for this kid. 07:17 My mother, she ended up doing drugs. 07:23 I was very young at the time. 07:25 I'm gonna guess I was one or two and she went from, 07:30 you know, just doing maybe here or there 07:33 at my grandma's parties 07:35 to a full blown 30 something year 07:40 habit that's ruined her health and... 07:43 Meth addiction. 07:44 Meth was her drug of choice it sure was... 07:48 Because, you know, 07:49 for someone that's not been in that world, 07:52 meth takes you to some really dark places 07:55 and you, you give up your sanity. 07:57 You do. 07:59 And so when you watched your mom, 08:01 what were the changes that you noticed in her? 08:05 For several years not anything major. 08:10 But I would say the biggest changes were 08:16 when it just became so unstable. 08:18 She couldn't hold a job or provide, 08:24 you know, you'd come home 08:26 and there be things that were pawned 08:27 or no electricity or no food in the home. 08:30 So, then about sixth grade rolled around 08:33 and I went and lived 08:34 with several different family members. 08:38 My grandmother had went away to the penitentiary for drugs 08:42 and that believe it or not 08:44 was like, 08:47 she was the stable one is what I saw her 08:52 as even though come to find out years later, 08:54 you know, she's doing drugs with my mother and possibly 08:58 the one that turned her on to the drugs and... 09:02 But as a kid she held the family together. 09:04 As a kid she seemed all together. 09:07 She had... 09:08 she was a nurse for the state, she, you know, presented well. 09:13 You would have never known it 09:15 if you didn't know those things you wouldn't know, 09:18 and she went away 09:20 I might have been in the fifth grade, sixth grade 09:22 and my mother fell apart, 09:24 and then I went to live with my great grandparents, 09:27 and going to church again and just, you know, 09:31 having meals provided 09:34 and just the normalcy of it all. 09:36 Then my mother came back to get me 09:38 when the school year was over 09:40 and it's really hard thing to talk about. 09:45 What makes it hard? 09:48 Just... 09:52 Just... 09:56 I know I cried for about three weeks every day. 10:00 Because all the sudden she comes in... 10:02 Because I had to go back... 10:03 And just... 10:05 She just, she just... 10:06 I remember the song on the radio 10:08 that her boyfriend was playing, 10:12 it was like a highway to hell song or something 10:15 and I thought and I was just crying in the backseat, 10:18 nobody even turned around. 10:20 Are you, are you okay? Nothing. 10:24 And I feel like I am on that highway. 10:27 Yeah. I have no choice. 10:28 And then when we get there. 10:30 It's another trailer park and that's fine people, 10:35 you know, but it was just, it was just a tough time, 10:41 and they were really lost in their addictions 10:44 because by this point 10:45 she started abusing drugs with needles, 10:49 and she got really paranoid, 10:51 and she would hang towels up on all with the... 10:56 In a small window 10:58 she would cover every window blankets or whatever... 11:00 'Cause somebody is looking, somebody seeing us. 11:02 Right and not allow me to go outside of the home 11:06 or you know it was a really, really hard time for me 11:12 and she agreed to let me go to church so I... 11:17 there was a church bus that would come and pick me up 11:20 but that was the only place that I could go was church 11:23 and then when school started school. 11:27 I wish right now, that we, you know, 11:31 and we get a picture when you say, I'm in a trailer. 11:34 I've got there's towels and cardboard 11:38 and stuff on the windows. 11:39 It is filthy. 11:41 They are paranoid, they're slamming drugs 11:44 and I'm trying to figure out as a kid. 11:47 And when you say blood on the ceiling explain why? 11:49 Because I know what you're saying but, 11:51 why blood on the ceiling? 11:52 That's part of the whole shooting up process, 11:54 you know, you pull out 11:56 and if you're not held off right 11:57 I guess it just goes squirting in and... 12:00 And so as a kid, you were trying to... 12:02 There was, just I didn't understand as a kid 12:04 why there was blood on the ceiling 12:05 or why certain things were like they were 12:10 but I found out later on, you know, 12:16 why those things but yeah, it was, 12:19 it just was a really, really dark, dark time. 12:22 And so school and church 12:24 is the only place that you got... 12:25 The only places I could go, and about that time 12:28 my grandmother was getting out of the penitentiary. 12:31 She had served her time, she got out earlier actually, 12:34 so I guess she didn't serve all of her time, 12:37 and she heard about the living conditions 12:40 being so poor and sent my uncle for me 12:46 because she was going to be released and she... 12:48 we were gonna. 12:49 So your bags are packed again. 12:51 Well, if I had any bags I would have packed them, 12:53 I put what few things I had into a garbage bag 12:56 and put it in my locker at school, 12:58 and my uncle was late picking me up. 13:01 He got stuck in traffic. 13:03 The plan was for him to come and get me 13:05 and then they were going to rescue me 13:07 and take me back to my grandmother 13:09 and he was late coming in and, 13:14 so I just had to walk home 13:16 and I got beat so severely that day 13:20 and not by my mother 13:21 but by her boyfriend at the time 13:24 with an extension cord and it was just awful. 13:28 But that was enough evidence for the social worker 13:32 to take pictures and the courts to, 13:35 they couldn't grant custody to my grandmother 13:37 because she was an ex-felon 13:39 but they could grant it to my great grandparents 13:41 and, so we had to go that route. 13:44 So that was enough 13:45 that's everybody said, okay, it's done. 13:46 By that time I was in the seventh grade, 13:48 yep and I mean I can imagine 13:52 just how pitiful I had to have looked 13:55 and even acted, you know. 13:58 So when you talked about earlier 14:00 that I never had a sense that I was worth anything, 14:02 I never had a sense I belonged, man, you know, 14:06 you can really see that when you said this was my life. 14:10 Now I'm in the seventh grade 14:11 where people are trying to figure out who they are, 14:13 they're kind of stepping in their own skin 14:16 and your saying, I don't even where to step." 14:18 Yeah. 14:19 You know, I don't know who I am, 14:20 I don't know where I belong, 14:22 everything I own can fit in a trash bag. 14:23 Exactly. 14:25 So what happened? 14:28 So from there... 14:33 My grandmother of course, I've gotten out 14:35 and she decided to turn her life totally around. 14:39 She wasn't going to church at the time 14:41 but you know she wasn't doing drugs either, 14:44 so that was a start 14:46 and I found my best friend in the world Brandy 14:52 and her mother would take her to church, 14:55 and so she took me and she just kind of 14:58 put me under her wing like a like another daughter 15:01 and she would joke about I should adopt you, 15:04 you know and, but she was so good. 15:07 Please, please adopt me. 15:09 Yeah, my family used to always tell me, 15:13 well, mostly in the junior high age. 15:17 Once I had started trying to figure out like how to be, 15:21 how to act. 15:22 Oh, you think you're too good for this family. 15:24 And I, if I was told that once by my grandmother 15:27 or by my uncle, never by my mother, 15:29 but I've been told that a lot of times 15:32 and it hurts to hear that, 15:37 but I guess I just kind of 15:41 tried to pick up the pieces for myself, 15:43 and I could see how, you know, the other kids were acting. 15:47 And I was just want, 15:49 all I ever wanting to do was to fit in or to be normal. 15:53 And so I think slowly overtime 15:57 I just, 16:00 was able to somewhat fake it to make it if you will 16:04 but always so insecure even today still. 16:09 Something that plagued you even today. 16:11 Always, always. 16:12 Which I got it 'cause I love you. 16:14 I just, I wish I could shake it out you know, 16:16 I know that only God himself... 16:17 I wish you could do. But I definitely would. 16:19 So, so now, you're in high school. 16:23 You are faking it 16:25 and what I want to say about that 16:27 just because I, you know, 16:29 I've been in your skin not exactly but somewhat. 16:31 When you're faking, you always feel like a fraud. 16:33 You always feel like somebody is going to find out. 16:37 So that's how you're kind of going through high school. 16:40 Did you jump into drugs or alcohol? 16:42 Not in high school, 16:43 I was accused of that by my family, you know, 16:47 because I was blowing my nose in the bathroom one day 16:48 and my uncle says, 16:50 "Oh, well, you get better not be putting stuff up your nose." 16:53 Or I'm like I've never even tried that, 16:55 I wasn't doing any of those things really good kid, 16:59 making great grades and my grandmother, 17:03 I think she truly did the best she could do at the time, 17:08 but she wasn't easy to live with and I mean... 17:13 Because of all her craziness. Right. 17:15 And I moved out at 16 17:19 and tried my first heard drug at 18, 17:25 and just everything kind of from there spiraled, 17:29 you know, the drugs, the dancing, 17:31 I mean it just all at once. 17:33 So you literally step in so you've got now, 17:36 now you're on your own, 17:38 you're living with different folks. 17:41 And you start trying dugs and you know with somebody 17:45 with that history, family history. 17:48 Then you are set up 17:51 because usually the first drug you try 17:52 you're going to be lost in it. 17:54 Yep. 17:55 And I thought I could handle it at first 17:58 but I don't... 18:01 I don't think it was possible to just handle that 18:04 because I was self medicating 18:07 without knowing that I was self medicating... 18:09 Explain to somebody what that means? 18:13 I guess at the time it made me feel more normal. 18:19 And I didn't think about all... 18:21 not that I spent a lot of time at that age 18:23 dwelling on the past, 18:24 because I didn't face all of these things 18:28 until my mid 20s like as far as getting help for them 18:31 but just kind of made me feel normal. 18:36 And then once I was addicted, then I just had to have it... 18:39 Can I, can I ask you if this was true for you 18:42 is that the first time I took a drug, 18:45 I didn't feel like killing myself, 18:46 I didn't feel odd, 18:47 I felt like somehow I was going to be okay, 18:49 and I was going to make it, 18:50 and it was like somebody turned a light on 18:52 and it was all good. 18:54 Did you feel any of that? 18:56 I felt a very huge sense of normalcy. 19:00 Where somebody says the drugs would make you feel not normal, 19:03 that's not true. 19:04 Well, the first time I ever did it I thought, 19:06 well, I don't fill all, you know loopy and it... 19:10 Yeah, it was a little scary looking back on it. 19:14 I don't feel the crust. Right, absolutely. 19:18 Absolutely and I spent five years doing hard drugs... 19:23 Hard drugs, what do you mean? 19:25 Pretty much every day, mostly meth, sometimes cocaine. 19:29 So and even just... 19:31 Marijuana was just, they're going to make daily... 19:34 No, not alcohol but for me not alcohol 19:38 but yes, marijuana and meth mainly. 19:42 So you got, you got meth going on, 19:44 and meth what it does for people 19:46 that don't know this. 19:48 It literally all of your neurochemistry, 19:50 all of your feel good hormones, all of your stuff 19:53 that makes you feel alive gets flooded. 19:56 So instead of like a little drip in your brain, 19:58 it's like a fire hydrant gets turned on 20:00 and you feel amazing. 20:02 So for a kid that's never bonded, 20:04 for a kid that is never felt that way, 20:06 it will rob you eventually, 20:07 but that initial blast of I feel good... 20:12 Right Hooks you. 20:13 Absolutely. 20:15 So you next five years lost in that... 20:18 Yeah, for five years. 20:20 Did you graduate school, high school? 20:22 I made it to the middle of my 11th grade year 20:26 and dropped out. 20:28 So how did you make a living? 20:30 I started dancing when I was 18. 20:33 I waitressed here and there up to that point 20:36 making pretty decent money waitressing 20:38 but I remember going into a club 20:42 with some friends, 20:44 never had been in one before thinking, 20:47 "Oh, well, I could probably do that too." 20:52 Like never even occurred to me 20:55 and that's the long and short of how I discovered a club. 21:01 I could imagine that all a sudden you've got this, 21:04 you know, you're a kid that never felt 21:05 like I could do anything that I'm not worth anything 21:08 but, you know, sitting in a strip club 21:11 doing meth with friends and I could do this. 21:15 Yeah, you know, 21:16 it just seemed too easy in the beginning. 21:21 Like I said, when I walked through the door with friends 21:24 and thought, well, I guess I could do this too. 21:29 The first time of course, I was really nervous 21:31 but moving on from that, 21:34 it wasn't anything super scary and... 21:39 The money is good. The money was good. 21:41 I don't have to rely on anyone else. 21:42 And I convinced myself, well, I'm not doing a lap dance, 21:45 nobody's touching me. 21:47 You know I would tell myself these things, 21:51 but really it was picking hairs... 21:53 Yeah. 21:54 Because it was very damaging to me 21:57 whether or not, I realized it 21:59 at the time being in it for five years. 22:03 So when you step into that world 22:06 because I know that eventually you meet 22:10 and marry one of the owners of the clubs. 22:14 So talk about that? 22:17 Well, he and I were both dating people that weren't so nice. 22:23 We referred to them as psychos because they were not so nice. 22:26 I dated them, oh, sorry. 22:29 And... 22:31 Because in that world, when you say that, you know, 22:33 'cause everybody has so many issues in that world 22:36 but when you say psychos. 22:38 Oh, we really, really mean psychos. 22:40 Yeah, crazy, 22:42 I feel like my psycho was a little more psycho than his 22:44 but that's okay, we don't have to do beat that. 22:49 One day he just jokingly walked over 22:51 and I was sitting at the bar 22:53 having a Dr. Pepper and he says, 22:54 we are leave up, run off, 22:56 leave our psychos behind and get married. 22:58 Just joking, you know, he was totally joking 23:00 and I laughed it off not thinking anything of it 23:03 but through the years we became really good friends 23:07 and so 23:12 once I decided to step out from the guy I was with 23:15 that was so terrible, 23:18 I went over to my husband now Aaron, 23:23 his brother had a house in the town 23:26 where I was working and I thought well great, 23:29 my cycle does not know where this location is... 23:31 So it was a safe house. 23:32 It was a safe house but went and got my cat 23:35 and that's all I really needed 23:37 me and my cat and my clothes and so yeah, 23:40 it was a safe house and... 23:43 So at the time are you still doing meth, still using? 23:46 Yes, but trying not to, 23:52 I mean for years I tried not to. 23:54 I got lost in it and I'd say 23:57 within the first year easy I thought, 23:59 wow, I'm like having a hard time not doing this 24:03 so, I mean I was always trying to stop 24:05 and I just didn't know how. 24:07 In fact, when Aaron and I first met, 24:09 he had no idea, 24:11 he just figured that I smoked a little pot. 24:14 No idea. 24:16 He drinks but he wasn't a meth user. 24:19 Never did drugs, yeah, so it. 24:21 He didn't really know exactly what to look for, 24:26 but yes, I had a pretty serious problem 24:29 and people started telling him. 24:31 Well, don't you know that she has a problem 24:33 and I mean he really didn't know the extent of it. 24:37 He said, no, I don't. Yeah. 24:39 You know, she's fine, that we're fine. 24:41 And I used to say that 24:43 and I still sometimes still say it. 24:47 I feel like Aaron saved me from myself at the time, 24:52 because I came out to live in Colorado with him 24:56 shortly after we fell in love really fast and... 25:00 Although we knew each other for years, 25:03 it just kind of all moved really fast and I thought 25:06 well, moving at thousand miles away from people, 25:08 I know that kind of saves me from doing that, 25:13 and there were a few times that I did relapse 25:16 when I would go back to Little Rock but... 25:21 Yeah, it was... 25:23 So, you know, what's really crazy to me. 25:25 So you guys fall in love, move in together, 25:27 there was a time 25:29 when God actually starts coming into the picture. 25:33 Where did that look like and I think 25:35 it came through Aaron first? 25:37 Right, Aaron knew that I knew Jesus as a child. 25:41 So when he started reading the Bible 25:44 while his dad was really sick. 25:47 His brother gives him a Bible... 25:48 His brother gave him a Bible. 25:50 The first when they got out of the clubs, 25:52 he gave him a Bible and asked him, 25:53 "Would you just please read this." 25:55 And so Aaron did, he picked it up, 25:58 he had a lot going on in life, his father being so sick and... 26:03 So I would just make sure that I would have the kids 26:06 up towards the front part of the house 26:07 so he had a peaceful area to read 26:09 because I really wanted for something to get through. 26:12 I always knew there was a missing piece... 26:14 Amen. 26:15 And what I felt like it was pretty close 26:18 to perfect life that we were living. 26:19 So by this time... 26:21 My dream life. He's working in a club. 26:23 You're still working in club, you have a couple of kids... 26:25 No. You're home. 26:27 Actually, when Aaron and I got together, 26:30 when we met in the club and when we fell in love, 26:34 he was like I do not want my girlfriend 26:37 working in the club, 26:38 shortly thereafter we were engaged 26:39 and so, no, I quit at that time 26:44 and I was a stay at home mom for about ten years. 26:47 You have beautiful kids. Thank you. 26:49 Thank you, I'm like mm-hmm. Yeah, amen. 26:52 Yes. I adore them. 26:55 So I was a stay at home mom and he was working in the club. 26:59 And, you know, his brother gave him the Bible 27:01 and he sat down and started reading it 27:03 and I always made sure let's kind of keep it peaceful, 27:06 dad is reading and when I tell the kids 27:09 and we made sure that he had some time to read 27:12 because it was really important to me. 27:14 I knew that was the only piece 27:16 that I could possibly be missing 27:18 because I had everything, everything I ever dreamed of, 27:21 I never thought I could have, 27:23 I never really thought I could have a husband 27:25 that wonderful and that amazing. 27:28 Yeah. And a home that's stable. 27:30 I mean, you know, 27:31 'cause people take that for granted 27:32 but some folks, the first time you walk in 27:35 and you know this is my home 27:37 and it's good and it's a sanctuary for me, 27:39 it's that's huge. 27:41 Yeah, absolutely I used to say, 27:44 I felt like his childhood was pretty normal 27:47 compared to mine, 27:48 but I don't know 27:49 how you can really compare one bad to another bad... 27:53 Right. 27:54 But I always thought his was more normal if you will. 27:56 So you're watching him 27:57 and he actually is starting to change. 28:01 Starting to look at, you know, who is God and who am I. 28:04 And what do I want to do in my life. 28:06 Yep... What do you think? 28:08 I'm thinking this is awesome. 28:10 He's finding God too 28:11 and I always knew I drifted away 28:13 and I needed to get back and I wanted to get back. 28:17 And so when we had a flyer come through the mail 28:21 for a Creation to Revelation seminar 28:24 and Aaron was joking 28:26 we might ignite in the seats, you know,... 28:29 Should we go? 28:30 And I said, "I would really like to go." 28:32 And we agreed let's go and we were just on fire 28:35 like we couldn't been out of the club 28:37 any sooner like that's yesterday was too long, 28:41 you know kind of thing and always knew 28:43 we didn't want to raise our family having a bar, 28:47 that wasn't something 28:48 that we wanted to be part of our life so yeah. 28:53 I don't want my girl to be dancing in the club. 28:56 Absolutely not. 28:57 And it's true 28:58 because there's a point in your life 29:00 you start to think about that kind of stuff, 29:02 so you go to this Revelation seminar. 29:05 You are walking into a church, the both of you, 29:08 I just want to smile I just want to say, 29:10 I love the way God does that 29:12 and I love the way God as our Father, 29:16 as our redeemer says, 29:18 this is exactly where you need to be right now. 29:21 I am so proud of you when you come walking in, 29:27 you hear the Word of God. 29:28 You hear Revelations, you hear teaching. 29:33 We learned a whole lot because it was a Bible seminar, 29:35 so I felt like it was about a 30 day seminar, 29:41 roughly around 30 day 29:42 so I mean, we really got into the Word of God 29:45 and I mean just on fire for the Lord, 29:49 just on fire and we met you around that time. 29:52 And yeah... 29:54 I got to actually come to your baptism. 29:55 I was... 29:57 It was amazing, amazing. 29:59 I felt so honored to have you there, 30:01 none of my family came out. 30:03 Yeah, wait, I came out. 30:04 Yeah, yeah you did and it meant the world to me. 30:09 'Cause what's really crazy is as fast as your lives changed 30:13 from that point on 30:14 is God just started revealing himself 30:16 one way after another after another 30:19 and you had some powerhouses 30:21 that came around you as mentors. 30:23 It was, it was amazing to watch, 30:25 even with the guy that baptized you, 30:27 Jim Moon with all of those, 30:29 I mean they really stood around you and said, 30:32 "You know I'm honored 30:35 to be standing here with you right now." 30:37 They were so amazing. 30:38 All of them, they were just so amazing. 30:40 Can I tell you... 30:41 Can I say what you gave me during your baptism? 30:44 Yeah, yeah, go ahead. 30:47 I get to fly and I felt like I don't know 30:50 if I would have missed out for anything 30:52 but I get to fly in 30:53 and I felt like the Holy Spirit, 30:56 you lit up the room. 30:58 I mean it was, I have never seen, 31:00 if I didn't see that little girl 31:02 running around the trailer park, 31:03 I saw her right there and just lit up the room. 31:06 I mean you were so excited to have you in God 31:10 and being baptized and all of that stuff, 31:13 and at one point she gives me something 31:15 that she wanted to give me with during the baptism 31:18 and it was her medical marijuana card. 31:23 I still have that, I look at that once in a while 31:26 because I think that what you were saying 31:28 is symbolically, even though I can legally get this. 31:32 I'm symbolically saying to God, 31:34 I really do want to surrender all, 31:36 I don't know what that's going to look like... 31:38 I didn't know how, 31:39 I didn't know how to surrender that like I thought well, 31:42 I did hard drugs for so long. 31:45 You know, this is not a huge deal to do this 31:48 and I do have a card for it, I am legal. 31:50 It's legal Right. 31:52 And I just didn't know how to not do that anymore. 31:55 I had been doing that longer than I had not been 31:59 so I, and Pastor Joe says, well you just have to say 32:05 I can't do it Jesus do it for me. 32:08 And that is what I said out in my garage 32:11 dumping it into the dumpster, 32:13 I can't do it Jesus, do it for me and dumping it in, 32:17 because I didn't, I didn't want to throw it away 32:18 and I had done that before, I had thrown everything away 32:22 and only to go back to it 32:24 and it really was turning it over 32:26 and saying, I can't do it for myself. 32:28 You're going to have to do it for me... 32:30 And thanking him. 32:32 When you handed me that, 32:33 I just wanted to laugh out loud, 32:35 I wanted to kiss God on the face, 32:36 I wanted to say in the midst of our craziness, 32:39 God is saying, I have never left her 32:42 and will never leave her. 32:44 And you know there are times that we end up relapse 32:47 and then we stumble around and God says, that's okay, 32:50 I'll stand you back up, we're okay. 32:52 And when you handed me that card, 32:54 I knew that what you were saying to God 32:55 and to the people that loved you 32:58 is you know I'm surrendering. 33:01 Absolutely, absolutely. 33:03 And it felt good, it felt really good 33:06 because it felt like a huge weight 33:09 had been lifted off 33:10 because when you try so hard in 33:13 and it's just you without Jesus doing it through you. 33:17 I mean sometimes you can make it for a while 33:19 but you really in the long term is through Jesus. 33:23 It was so cool. 33:25 So I'm going to open it up for questions 33:27 and I'm going to get back to it 33:29 because I know that there are lot of changes 33:31 and from that time of leading you guys 33:32 to a place where you guys are in the seminar being baptized, 33:36 surrendering everything and but I... 33:41 Well, let's just stay with that for a minute 33:44 because you and Aaron both 33:46 walked into a relationship with God 33:48 but you're still, 33:49 he still owns clubs at this time, 33:52 you guys are still in that whole lifestyle 33:54 and there was a lot of changes that happened. 33:57 So, and it happened really quickly it seemed like. 34:01 Yeah, lots of changes, you know, lifestyle changes, 34:06 even just downsizing, we both went back to school. 34:10 Both were in school at the same time 34:12 using the same computer without WiFi, 34:15 how crazy is that but we made it through. 34:19 You know, you said something to me 34:20 and I just laughed, that's like, 34:22 you know, just Stacy, what do you want to do, 34:26 what do you want to be, 34:28 and do you remember that conversation? 34:30 I... 34:31 What did I say at that time? I want to be a vet. 34:34 I won't say that again. Yeah. 34:35 I love animals, my passion. 34:38 Yeah. Absolutely. 34:40 And so when you went back to school, 34:42 did you go in that direction? 34:43 Yes. 34:44 So I went back to school and I thought, 34:46 well, if I could do anything what would it be. 34:49 I thought why, I don't want to go to school 34:50 for so many years to become a veterinarian, 34:53 it takes a long time. 34:55 It's hard to get into the school. 34:58 So I decided a vet tech. 35:00 So I'm a certified vet tech today 35:02 and I work with small animal. 35:03 I love that. 35:06 When people say that God says, you know, 35:08 when I give you the desires of your heart, 35:09 I'll literally you trust me and somebody says 35:14 but does he know what my desires are, yes... 35:16 Absolutely. 35:18 You know, he knew from the time you ran around as a kid 35:20 and speak on this a bit 35:24 and then we'll open it up for questions, 35:25 but some people say what was it God's fault 35:29 that all this happened to you as a kid. 35:32 Absolutely not, not God's fault that all those things happened. 35:38 I think that when he made us up free will... 35:41 Amen. 35:42 Sinners in the world and looking back on it, 35:47 I know that Jesus was always by my side. 35:50 And always trying to get the people around us 35:53 to do the right thing. 35:54 You know my family is amazing and I love them, 35:57 but in their addictions they are hurtful to each other. 36:00 But these are incredible folks, very funny, 36:03 very real and so it's like you know 36:05 I think that God sometimes steps right in front of us 36:08 over and over and over, get away from your dictions 36:11 or robbing you of your kids or robbing you of your family. 36:14 And when somebody finally decides to do that fight 36:17 like you decided to fight and to stand up 36:20 and encourage even your husband 36:22 to have that quiet time and find God, 36:25 somebody decides to do that fight, 36:26 everything changes. 36:28 And it's not always easy, the road isn't always easy, 36:31 but it's very worthwhile. 36:33 Amen. 36:34 And it can be a lot easier if you just let Jesus in. 36:36 If you just surrender. Just let him in. 36:39 Earlier every time, 36:40 so I'm gonna open it up for questions 36:41 because I know that there are a couple people here 36:44 definitely Aaron I love you 36:46 and you're hearing Stacy talk about, 36:49 you know, her journey 36:51 and you were part of that with her 36:53 but, you know, do you have any comment or question 36:56 that you would like to say to her right now 37:00 to share with her. 37:01 You know I think the first thing 37:03 that I would say as much as anything 37:06 is thank you, thank you for sticking with me 37:11 because she'll make it sound like it was so easy 37:13 and it was so like just taking the kids or whatever 37:17 but she was patient with me for years 37:20 and so thank you, thank you very much. 37:27 I think as far as a question would go 37:28 is where do you see the value now where you're concerned, 37:33 where your life has brought you to 37:35 and then like more importantly 37:37 where do you see the value going on into the future. 37:46 Would be one of the biggest things 37:50 that I feel value for 37:55 having a stable home, 37:58 teaching our children about Jesus, 38:02 putting the desire into their hearts 38:04 to want to learn more about Jesus. 38:07 So even the grace, the love of God... 38:09 The patience, the friendship, you know, 38:14 I've told the kids before little things here or there, 38:18 you know maybe they are scared to sleep in their bed at night 38:22 when they're really small, you know, just talk to Jesus. 38:25 When I was a little girl, I was scared too 38:27 but it helped me just to know 38:29 I have a friend always by my side. 38:32 So I think that's huge. 38:35 You know what's really interesting 38:36 when you say that, Stacey, and I just adore both of you 38:41 but when you say that 38:43 I think that as a kid nobody really fought for you 38:47 in what you're saying is that I really want them 38:51 to know that I'll take time to make sure that they're safe, 38:57 to make sure that this home is nurturing to them, 39:00 to make sure that they know at night 39:02 they're not by themselves 39:03 that there's a God above that loves them. 39:05 So you really are taking the time 39:07 that people didn't take with you 39:08 because of their addictions. 39:10 Absolutely. 39:11 I hope I'm doing a good job and I know I sure do love them 39:16 more than I ever loved you know, so... 39:20 I've hung out at your house. Those are good kids. 39:23 So we have one more comment or question. 39:27 Jennifer, you have joined us a few times. 39:30 What do you think about what Stacy has talked about 39:33 and do you have any comments or questions for her. 39:36 I can say that I can relate to a lot of your... 39:44 journeys through life a lot of them, and I'm so sorry 39:48 that you had to go through those journeys in your life 39:52 and my question for you would be how was your, 39:59 how was it when you transitioned your life. 40:06 Like I say sometimes not always easy, 40:11 I think for me just having the love of Jesus 40:15 when I was a child made it a little easier. 40:18 You know, Aaron never knew Jesus as a child. 40:23 So I forgot... 40:27 So you can go back to that, let me just say, 40:29 I want to go back to what you were saying, Jennifer, 40:32 because I know that you're kind of saying 40:35 that I'm transitioning right now 40:37 and I don't know how to land, 40:40 and so what you're asking her right now 40:42 is to give you something 40:44 that you can hold on to right now. 40:48 And so what she's saying is, 40:50 she's right now making that transition. 40:53 I would say, Jesus, I can't, 40:56 I need your help to keep me strong, 41:00 can't be strong for myself right now. 41:02 So please do it for me and work through me 41:04 and always thank him. 41:06 Thank you so much Jesus and... 41:08 So if you're saying that to someone. 41:11 Thanks, Jennifer, for that. 41:13 And you know what I want to, 41:14 I could say again we are new friends 41:19 and make sure you call someone, make sure that you know 41:22 that there are people around you 41:24 that would do anything to help you in this transition 41:27 and do not do this by yourself. 41:29 Do you hear what I'm saying? 41:31 I do. Okay. 41:32 You can call me anytime, I'll give you my number. 41:35 So exchange numbers, we don't do this by ourselves 41:38 and when we need to say 41:40 for people that don't know Jesus, 41:42 and they don't know the love of God, 41:44 and they don't know that is being able 41:47 until you know that call someone, 41:49 until you know that let other people around you. 41:52 So if somebody says, you know, you don't know Jesus 41:55 and you think what does that mean? 41:57 What does that mean? 41:58 Is just let someone else pray for you. 42:01 Let someone else call you 42:03 and it may be as simple as just hanging out. 42:07 Do you know what I'm saying 42:08 that sometimes just hanging out 42:10 during the break. 42:11 And this is for you, Jennifer, 42:14 during the break I asked Lorraine which is on the set. 42:18 I asked Lorraine, I know that she crochets 42:20 and would you hang out with me one night this week 42:22 and teach me a bit about crocheting 42:24 because my daughter's having a baby 42:26 and I want to make a blanket. 42:27 And sometimes it's not hanging out 42:29 and talking about deep serious stuff. 42:31 It's hanging out. It's forming friendship. 42:34 It's spending that time and connecting with people 42:37 that are not using and are not psycho. 42:40 You know what I mean. 42:42 And it's not as... 42:43 it's not as complicated as people make it. 42:46 I need you right now. 42:50 Jennifer, right now as flaky as we are, you need us. 42:56 I do. Okay, all right so. 42:59 So even I want to say that for you to tell your story 43:04 with someone like her sitting right here. 43:06 And she's looking at you like how did you get back to school, 43:09 you know, how did you all the sudden, 43:12 you have a home and you have your parents 43:14 and your kids and you're beautiful 43:16 and I know that you still feel insecure. 43:19 I'm gonna shake that out of you some day, 43:22 but you know I think that she's seeing you 43:25 and saying I'm scared right now. 43:27 You have to learn how to crawl before you can walk so. 43:32 And if you don't have any good support system 43:36 because for me it's like, well, who do I turn to. 43:38 Right. 43:40 I don't know calling on Jesus he will always be there. 43:46 He will always be there. 43:48 Were you ever, were you ever scared 43:51 that you would not make it? 43:53 Yes. 43:55 Yep, and I was also afraid 43:56 that I would never get close with Jesus again... 44:00 Because you're not good enough. 44:03 That had probably the biggest part to do with it, 44:05 not worthy, just not worthy. 44:09 We're going through this Victory in Jesus 44:12 for this whole series on grace, and one of the things it says, 44:17 and you know it's like, 44:19 do we do things to be good enough 44:22 or do we become enough because he loves us, you know. 44:28 And some people get those mixed up. 44:30 It's like I want to do more, and I want to be more, 44:32 and I want to say the right thing, 44:33 and I don't want to smoke some weed, 44:35 and I don't want to be doing this or that and God said, 44:37 "How about if you just know, 44:39 that I absolutely loved you always, 44:43 and in that love, you can rest." 44:46 Sure does give a piece of comfort to you. 44:49 Yeah, changes everything. Everything. 44:51 We're gonna take a break, and I want to come back, 44:54 and I want to ask you a few things 44:57 about your journey, and I want you 45:00 to really kind of speak into the lives of somebody 45:03 that is saying I don't know if I can make it. 45:05 And you know who I'm going to ask you 45:07 to speak into the life of, is just family. 45:10 So we'll be right back. 45:12 But I want you to think about as we take this break is that, 45:15 it is amazing to me who God is trying to change. 45:18 It's amazing to me when God says, "You know what? 45:22 I promise you if you are breathing, 45:25 You are my child and I died for you." 45:28 And so it's like let's not judge anything right now, 45:30 let's just know that God is doing the best he can do 45:33 to get us home, 45:35 and he's not leaving any of us behind. 45:37 We'll be right back. |
Revised 2016-10-24