Participants: Cheri Peters (Host), Shannon Ethridge
Series Code: CLR
Program Code: CLR00031B
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00:14 This is my favorite segment.
00:16 Where we get to interview the guest and see what 00:19 she is about, and all that kind of stuff. 00:21 Before we go there, I want to take you to Revelation 4: 8. 00:24 It's absolutely my favorite part of the Bible. 00:28 Only since I got this new kind of realization of what 00:32 it meant about the Revelation 4:8 says, you know, 00:35 there's all these angels around the throne of God. 00:37 And there's like they have six wings, eyes all 00:40 over the place. 00:41 I mean, it's just a scene that is amazing. 00:42 I mean, You know, gems, just this incredible scene. 00:47 And it says that the Angels are in front of God, the 00:50 entire time and they say Holy, Holy, Holy is the Lord 00:54 God Almighty, the one who was and who is and who has 00:58 always been and all that kind of stuff. 00:59 And they are saying that like 24-7, and as an addict 01:03 and ADD, I am thinking 24-7, are you kidding me. 01:06 You know it would kill me it would absolutely kill me. 01:09 And I heard, a pastor say this. 01:10 His name was George Silva. 01:11 If you're out there, I just got this love you. 01:13 But I heard a pastor say, you just don't 01:15 know the whole story. 01:16 And I'm like yeah I read it, I know the whole story. 01:20 No no no, that every single time these angels try to 01:23 get up from their knees, God does something amazing for 01:26 someone else in recovery and they fall back down and say 01:29 Holy, Holy, holy smokes, that was good. 01:31 And so that's the whole story that is said, how can you 01:34 not fall in front of God at what He does in the lives 01:38 of all of us in our recovery? 01:39 So when you read that verse know that they are saying holy 01:43 smokes, God that was good. 01:45 I want to, introduce you to Shannon Ethridge. 01:47 Shannon, you won my heart from the very beginning. 01:49 I'm so thrilled you're here. 01:51 Thank you for having me here, it's great to be here. 01:53 It's too fun so, I wanted us um, we're are going to talk about 01:57 every woman's battle, sexual addiction, 01:59 all of that kind of stuff. 02:00 I have to say, you just look too sweet. 02:02 What got you into that? 02:04 Appearances can be deceiving, you know. 02:07 I can't say that I was always this sweet. 02:10 There was a period in my life that I have a lot 02:12 dark secrets, like living a double life. 02:15 Christian on the outside doing all the right things, 02:18 going to youth groups. 02:19 I was president of my youth group going to church. 02:21 I say I had a drug problem, my mother drug me 02:24 to church every Sunday. 02:25 So, by all outer appearances, I was a great kid. 02:29 National Honor Society, and all that. 02:31 But again living a double life, just a lot of promiscuity, 02:36 that I never understood why it started. 02:39 Or how I couldn't get off that treadmill. 02:42 Why I just kept looking for love in all the wrong places, 02:45 over and over again. 02:46 So when for each of us, there comes a time when we say, 02:48 you know what I'm going to deal with this. 02:50 When did that happen for you? 02:52 For me Cheri, it did not happen until I was in my late 20s. 02:56 I had been married seven years already and I came to my 03:00 husband crying... 03:01 To a normal guy who was a virgin when you guys got married 03:04 Yes, Greg was a 26-year-old virgin when we married. 03:06 And not that I cracked up on every virgin out there, but I 03:09 just think it's funny, I just didn't think they were there. 03:11 Opposites attract, but I came to him crying, you just don't 03:15 meet my emotional needs. 03:17 I was thinking of leaving him, and my two very young children. 03:20 Aaron was three and Matthew was a newborn. 03:22 But I was thinking of leaving in pursuit of the love 03:25 that I felt entitled to. 03:27 And I had no idea where I would go or how I would survive 03:29 I just felt so starved for attention and affection that I 03:34 didn't feel like I was getting enough of from Greg. 03:36 But fortunately he saw pass my weaknesses to my needs, and he 03:40 spoke the truth in love. 03:41 He said Shannon, you have a grand canyon of emotional needs. 03:45 He said, if every man in Dallas lined up outside your 03:49 doorstep to spent time with you, it would never be enough. 03:51 He said, until you look to God to satisfy your emotional needs, 03:54 there is nothing that I, or any other man on the planet, 03:56 can do to satisfy you. 03:58 I want to kiss him on the face for saying that. 03:59 A lot of all women would want to smack him. 04:01 Like with our hand, not with our lips. 04:03 I've thought about getting angry with him, because those 04:07 words really stung but they rang so true to my spirit cause 04:11 I have given lots of men plenty of opportunities to 04:13 meet my emotional needs. 04:15 No one ever lived up to that bill. 04:17 Right, and I did it, God can meet my emotional needs? 04:21 This is a side of God that I had never heard about. 04:23 Even though I had been raised in the church. 04:24 You hear about God as being a Savior and a 04:27 Master and a Father, but I did want a father. 04:31 I wanted a lover, I desperately wanted a lover, 04:35 and I had never heard of Jesus as the Lover of my soul. 04:38 Wow, even when you say that it brings tears to my 04:42 eyes because I think God so wants to be that for us. 04:44 We have been so skewed on what we think a lover is, 04:48 or a man is and what they are going to offer us because we 04:52 don't even know, we don't even know what we are looking for. 04:54 And we feel so unworthy of that love for when have 04:56 promiscuity in our past. 04:57 We can confuse sex and love all the time. 05:00 So it was hard for me to fathom that God could be that. 05:03 But I went through six months of intense 05:06 individual and group counseling. 05:08 And something that my husband had always said to me, 05:10 but I always denied it. 05:11 He would say Shannon, whenever I would tell him, 05:14 whenever you're tempted to act out. 05:16 You know, like a dog returns to its vomit and a fool 05:19 returns to it's folly. 05:20 I still feel emotionally tempted outside of our marriage. 05:23 He'd say Shannon, I know this is not about me and you, 05:25 this is about you and your dad. 05:27 I would just EREEEEEL! You know. 05:30 Its not about me and My dad, I don't want to talk about 05:33 my dad, I don't want to have anything to do with my dad. 05:34 So when I went to counseling that was what was revealed. 05:38 is you that know what, there was attention and affection that 05:41 I never felt that I received was growing up that created 05:44 that Grand Canyon in my heart. 05:46 Did you get a sense of the for one your husband 05:51 could just stay there and be so with you? 05:53 Going through this counseling, with the Holy Spirit, 05:56 with God, with this counselor, did you ever look at 05:59 God and say I'm so grateful that you hang 06:03 in there with us? 06:04 Oh absolutely, and Jesus, I'm sorry I mean Greg was so Jesus 06:08 with skin on to me. 06:09 I just expect that he would eventually get fed up and leave 06:13 or ask me to leave. 06:15 I think that a lot of my acting out emotionally was 06:19 subconsciously trying to give him a free jump ship pass, 06:22 saying I know I don't deserve you. 06:23 So if I was just a little bit unfaithful to you, you would 06:26 have cause to leave and you can go find a woman that you 06:29 deserve, because I certainly didn't deserve you. 06:31 Exactly, but Greg just kept saying over and over again, 06:34 I'm not going anywhere. 06:35 I remember one time I was suicidal. 06:38 That was just a few years into our marriage, and I told 06:41 him you know, I know that you knew I wasn't a virgin when 06:44 we married, but I don't think you have any idea of the 06:46 magnitude of what kind of baggage I have in my past. 06:50 And he, he said there's nothing you could tell me that 06:52 would change my commitment to this marriage. 06:54 And I said well, let me let me kind of make a list. 06:59 I had never made a list, I have never tried to make a list 07:02 of all the people that I had ever slept with. 07:04 When I got to certain numbers, I just thought, there was no 07:09 way I can remember all of them. 07:10 I had totally lost count, but I show him what I had. 07:13 And he just looked at me and said Shannon, it wouldn't 07:15 matter if you show me a hundred times more than that. 07:18 I'm still committed to this marriage. 07:21 I just, you know, it makes me cry because it is like 07:23 God was speaking through him. 07:25 Because for a lot of people, a lot of men and women, 07:28 is that we are so relationally addicted trying to get 07:30 these needs met, that we trash ourselves. 07:33 I think God a lot of times we think of God as looking at 07:36 us in judgment, and God looks at us with such pity saying 07:39 you're just injuring yourself more, and I love you. 07:41 Come back to me, let's heal this. 07:44 Yeah, when I started looking at some of my earlier years, 07:50 that's when I recognized that I had learned a pattern, 07:52 a very dysfunctional pattern very early in life, my counselor 07:57 asked me, she said Shannon, when is the first time you 07:59 remember hungering for male attention and affection? 08:02 And I actually remembered it as early as four years old. 08:05 Because I had an eight-year-old sister and a 10-year-old brother 08:08 And one day my eight-year-old sister suddenly died. 08:10 It just left everyone in the emotional state of shock. 08:13 Everybody shut down, my mother retreated to the kitchen 08:16 and my dad retreated to the shop, my brother 08:18 retreated to his bedroom. 08:19 And I was kind of in the living room used to being the 08:22 baby of the family getting all the attention but now I 08:24 thinking, what about me, where everybody go? 08:26 So I just grew up so lonely, so that when I was 11 or 12 08:31 years old and start developing breasts and hips, I had 08:34 a few uncles in my family, who proceeded to teach me if 08:37 you really want attention and affection from men, you can get 08:39 it if you're willing to play their games. 08:41 Games like can I touch you here or here. 08:43 And let's just keep this between the two of us, 08:46 because your parents would never understand our 08:48 special love for each other. 08:50 I was afraid that I would be the one to get in trouble 08:52 if I told so I just played along. 08:54 But I would never let them go all the way. 08:56 I later found out that these three uncles 08:58 had a bet going on amongst themselves as who would get 09:01 Shannon in bed first. 09:02 I am amazed that I was able to fight them off 09:05 for those years. 09:06 In hindsight, though, I recognize... 09:10 I just want to jump in because of a lot of folks that 09:15 don't have that kind of background just cannot even 09:18 understand a child being able, learning how to view the 09:23 world in those terms. 09:24 And yet I do counseling with at risk people all the time 09:27 and that is the majority of us are so damaged in those areas. 09:31 And so can you, can you explain a little bit. 09:35 For me, it was as if power was finally restored to me. 09:42 When I was a little girl, I had the power to turn my daddy's 09:45 head and my mom's head and my brother's head and get attention 09:47 But when all that shut down then my uncles paying 09:52 attention to me, it was like I had that restoration of power. 09:56 I'm okay, again. 09:57 And as long as I am willing to play this game then I can 09:59 have the attention and the affection that I craved. 10:01 I thought that flirting was the way that you get it. 10:04 Then I flirted myself into a corner when I was 14 with an 10:07 18-year-old boy who had a lot more than flirting on his mind. 10:10 And when he had preceded to have sex with me, I remember 10:13 distinctly thinking, I don't want him to think I was a tease. 10:17 So I better just go through with it. 10:19 I did what so many women all over the world do, we just 10:22 silently and passively allowing ourselves to be date raped. 10:25 And I was even dating the guy, but I had high hopes that he 10:28 would call the next day and were maybe we get married. 10:30 Of course he never called, and I felt rejected all over again. 10:33 So then what I started dating at 15, my parents allowed this, 10:36 in hindsight, that was way too young. 10:38 But I just thought that sex must be the price that I have to 10:41 pay to get attention. 10:43 From the ages of 15 to 20 years old it was basically one sexual 10:47 relationship after another. 10:48 and for a lot of people, what I think that we don't 10:50 understand is that because it doesn't meet that need really. 10:54 That we have then a grief reaction almost afterwards, 10:57 because it's like this was supposed to work. 11:00 You were supposed to love me. 11:01 And all of a sudden now I'm more damaged, more alone and 11:04 more isolated, and the acting out becomes more. 11:07 Sure, it's like a drug addiction. 11:09 It gets to the point that you have to have more, 11:11 and stronger and bigger hits. 11:13 And that's what I was basically doing. 11:16 I got involved with married men, men who were much older than me 11:19 And I think my counselor picked up on. 11:22 It seemed as if all of my sexual experiences had been with 11:26 men who were significantly older or in some form 11:29 of authority over me. 11:30 I was looking for a father figure to love me. 11:32 And the fact that it was sexual, gets so twisted, we get so 11:36 twisted that only God can untwist us. 11:40 And I go back to what I learned about 11:42 only God can get to those initial damages, that 11:46 we pile everything on top of. 11:47 I just love your husband I just have to tell him some day, 11:51 how cool is it that he just said, you know it's not about us 11:55 And I'm going to stay here, and I want you to so 11:57 get some healing in this area. 12:00 Yeah, I say that even though my ministry is to women the 12:02 back bone of it is a man. 12:03 I truly believe that Greg Ethridge taught me all that 12:07 I know about sexual integrity. 12:09 Of course, it's been the Holy Spirit, teaching through Greg. 12:11 Without his example of unconditional love in my life, 12:14 I really don't know where I would be. 12:16 I'm so grateful for that. 12:18 So in you're starvation when you are stay to him, I think 12:22 I have to leave and this I just can't do this anymore, 12:24 that was the sense of there was not a kind of elevated 12:28 attention, that somehow you had gotten to associate, 12:31 with love and acceptance. 12:33 And so he was just being normal. 12:35 I confused intensity for intimacy. 12:38 The intensity... 12:39 Say it again you've got to say it. 12:41 I confused intensity for intimacy. 12:43 So all those years that I was promiscuous... 12:46 Now wait a minute, is anybody hearing that? 12:47 You got hear that, because that is huge and for, 12:51 most of us, for men and women, especially women, as we do 12:54 that we just think that if you really are so into me 12:59 And if you're into me, its real and if your not its not real, 13:02 and the devil, and the emotions are high and the temptation is 13:05 great and the anger is yeah, high drama relationships are 13:09 what I was accustomed to. 13:10 So I then get married to this normal guy, and after a few 13:13 years you know the fireworks don't pop anymore. 13:15 When he kisses me, and it just becomes normal. 13:17 I didn't know what normal felt like, to me normal felt 13:20 like it's over, you must not really be my soul mate. 13:23 I must've married the wrong person. 13:25 I had no idea that we weren't burning out, 13:29 we were really just warming up here. 13:31 So let's now see if and I don't know if you go here in your 13:35 ministry, but the hardest thing for me to learn was to 13:38 staying present with my husband in a normal relationship. 13:42 And I didn't even know how to do that so it was like he was 13:45 asking for some thing I couldn't do, and that's 13:47 where I was going to find true intimacy. 13:48 And I didn't know how to it. 13:50 Well, I had to understand that that word intimacy can 13:53 best be understood by breaking it down into syllables 13:55 In to me see. 13:57 And what Greg was seeing inside of me. 13:59 I wasn't very proud of it, it was just all the junk, 14:02 and the filth and the guilt and the shame. 14:04 But that's the reality of what was there, and the fact 14:07 that he didn't turn tail and run gave me the courage to face 14:11 it myself in stead of sweeping it under the rug like I had 14:13 been for so many years. 14:15 Amen, yeah, but what's interesting to me is that I had 14:19 a period of 10 years of physical sobriety without having 14:23 emotional sobriety. 14:25 I got my wake-up call when I was 20 years old. 14:28 I was working in the funeral home. 14:30 I went to a mortuary college. 14:31 That cracks me up. 14:33 As I can't even see you with a dead body, said okay, 14:36 let's cut this up. 14:37 Yeah, well I grew up watching Quincy. 14:39 I wanted to be a pathologist, but I couldn't afford 14:41 medical school, so I thought be in a mortician would be 14:43 the next best thing right. 14:44 So I expected to be embalming people, who are in their 14:47 late 80s or 90s, which have reached the end of their life 14:50 and died of natural causes. 14:52 But I was shocked at how many people I was embalming 14:54 that was in their 20's or early 30's. 14:56 Who had either died of full-blown AIDS or committed 14:59 suicide because of and HIV positive diagnosis. 15:02 I remember standing over the embalming table, here I am, 15:04 20 years old, and these people within just a few years of me, 15:07 and I'm thinking, there but for the grace of God, 15:10 go I, I would think Lord how is it that I don't have AIDS? 15:14 I would go and get tested and the test would come back 15:17 negative, and I would just think how is it that You have 15:19 put such a huge hedge of protection around me 15:21 all these years. 15:22 And I sensed God saying Shannon, in if you will trust Me 15:26 with your future, I'll redeem your past. 15:28 I had no idea what that meant, but in hindsight, 15:30 I recognize Oh God so knew what He was He was doing, 15:33 He got my attention and drew me into the funeral home, 15:35 if nothing else just to teach me that lesson that you have 15:38 got to stop this dangerous destructive lifestyle before you 15:42 wind up on the embalming table. 15:44 And you know what I want to have people hear from you 15:47 right now, and from this program, is that anything that 15:50 you lay on the table in front of God, all that junk. 15:53 And that sexual sin that we are so ashamed of and afraid 15:56 of putting out there. 15:57 And I don't care what it is what the how twisted you have 16:02 gotten, you put on the table in front of God and He just 16:05 clears the table and set a banquet. 16:06 He says, I do so will bring you into healing even that 16:09 will turn out to be something that will be good for you. 16:13 You will walk away from that and be able to stand wholly 16:16 in the presence of a Holy God and smile. 16:18 And I am amazed as to how deep that healing has gone 16:21 because once upon a time, my biggest fear in life was 16:24 that people would know that I was that way. 16:26 Well remember, you say to your husband what to think when 16:30 I write these books. 16:31 What do you think people will think, you're married 16:34 to that kind of woman? 16:35 Yeah, yeah, but now my biggest fear is that people won't 16:38 know what God has done in my life and the only way I could 16:41 tell people what God has done and my life is to tell them 16:43 the depth of the pit that I've dug for myself. 16:46 I think God says, said out loud. 16:50 Only because if you were the only one that ever had 16:53 gotten stuck in sexual sin, if you were the only one that 16:56 trashed yourself in that way relationally, then I would 16:59 say keep it to yourself, and work through it with God. 17:01 But every time I travel hours and hours and You too, 17:04 I'm sure hours of working with people that are so damaged 17:07 in sexual addictions or relationships. 17:09 And the more you take off the mask and get real 17:12 with people, the more they respect you, 17:14 the more you appreciate you. 17:15 It's like it fills that emotional Grand Canyon 17:18 in a healthy way. 17:19 It's really a phenomenal feeling, but of course 17:21 it was a process. 17:22 It was a long journey, I can remember a time when I said 17:25 to my best friend, you know, I have made a list of all 17:28 my uncles that abused me, and every guy that was 17:30 promiscuous with me, and my father for emotionally 17:33 neglecting me as I was growing up. 17:35 When you said you made a list, my palms sweat. 17:39 I'm thinking, I don't want to do that. 17:41 It took me awhile to, it was important as part of my 17:44 recovering process making a list and asking forgiveness 17:47 where you need to ask forgiveness. 17:48 So you literally went back and healed all those spots. 17:52 And I actually wrote letters. 17:53 One set that I did not send just so I can be honest, 17:56 and real about what I was feeling. 17:58 The another set of letters that I actually did send to my father 18:02 to my dead sister, to my brother. 18:04 I mean, just wanted healing, I wanted it really, really bad. 18:07 But I remember a time when I said to my best friend, 18:10 I've made the list. 18:11 I've forgiven everybody on the planet that I know to 18:14 forgive, but I just can't forgive myself. 18:16 And Lisa so spoke truth to me, she says Shannon, do you 18:20 want to know what you're saying about the blood that 18:22 Christ shed for you, when you say 18:24 you can't forgive yourself? 18:25 She said, you are basically saying, that's not good enough 18:29 God, what else have you got? 18:30 What kind of special miracle can You do for me to set 18:32 me free, because that's not good enough. 18:34 It's like spitting on the blood that Christ shed. 18:37 And I just thought Lord for be it for me to question that 18:40 what You did for me is enough? 18:42 I chose to forgive myself. 18:45 And I live in freedom, and it feels so wonderful. 18:47 As you know that's really interesting, because when 18:50 you talk, you can see that freedom it's so clear. 18:53 I know what it feels like, I for God to say, 18:57 You know when I was driving down the street, 18:59 and I was listening to the song that talks about, 19:04 you know will I dance for you Jesus and I'll be real still, 19:08 I can only imagine. 19:09 And so I'm singing and I'm in such an incredible spiritual 19:12 place, and it says will I dance for you Jesus and I was 19:16 homeless for 10 years. 19:17 I worked in clubs, danced and all that stuff, and I started 19:23 sobbing, just see in the whole ugliness 19:25 of that entire lifestyle. 19:26 I was sobbing and I had to pull over because 19:29 I just couldn't drive. 19:30 And I heard the Holy Spirit say, 19:32 you will and it will be good. 19:33 And I just cried and I thought, how could you love so much. 19:36 I just do it and you just have to receive that and I can see 19:40 that when you speak I can see it all over you that you have 19:43 received His forgiveness. 19:44 You have forgiven yourself, and now you're helping us. 19:47 Yeah, and it's enough, and I had a really great revelation 19:50 from God one day, as I was writing this most recent book on 19:53 spiritual intimacy, I had written on sexual integrity 19:56 and sexual intimacy and marriage, 19:58 But I wanted to write on spiritual intimacy, because 20:00 without spiritual intimacy with Christ, I don't know how 20:02 anybody recovers from anything. 20:04 I was asking God one day, Why is it that we have 20:07 physiological responses to our emotions, like why do we 20:10 get sweaty palms and butterflies in our stomachs, 20:12 that whenever we sense that somebody's turning their 20:14 attention toward us that we get all giddy? 20:16 I sensed God saying Shannon, it's because I want human 20:19 beings to understand how I feel when they turn their 20:22 attentions towards Me. 20:23 And I thought wait a minute God, You get giddy over me? 20:26 Thank God says every time you lift your hands and worship, 20:30 every time you lift your heart in prayer, every time you 20:32 turn your attentions to Me, 20:33 I just do back flips over you Shannon. 20:35 I did God does back flips over me, that makes me get 20:39 out of bed every day. 20:40 Yeah, yeah. 20:41 How fun is that, an even if that image is that we 20:44 want, we want to separate all that from God and God says, 20:47 you know what, I adore you, I love you. 20:49 Well, we want to look at God as that distant 20:51 disciplinarian who wants to strike us down if we commit 20:54 one sin too many, because that's how I viewed my earthly father. 20:56 And we do have the tendency to view our Heavenly Father the 20:59 same lens that we view our earthly father. 21:02 But I had to understand and know that my Heavenly Father 21:05 loves me with a much purer love than what my earthly father 21:08 was capable of doing. 21:09 In the really great thing is that when I let God, whew me 21:12 and pursue me and heal me and do all those things and become 21:15 the lover of my soul. 21:16 I developed an incredible love for my father 21:19 and we have a wonderful relationship now. 21:22 I can sit in his lap, he holds my hand whenever walking 21:26 through Home-Depot. 21:27 It's just we have a closeness now that I never fathom possible 21:31 but again, just the healing goes so deep, 21:34 when we surrender it all to God. 21:35 God does want us healed and never relationship in every area 21:40 of our life. 21:41 It is funny that I had this abusive background, and as I get 21:44 healed, I remember laughing with a parent, putting on roller 21:48 skates that kind of thing. 21:49 You know what as you heal, you will be able to heal those 21:53 relationships. 21:54 Because He just is crazy about us, absolutely. 21:57 So I want to ask you to for somebody that's trapped 22:02 stuck in addiction. 22:03 What kind of things and people need to know. 22:07 What do I do today? 22:09 How do I get out of this, as I am twisted, I am ashamed, 22:13 I am quiet with all that. 22:14 I put on this Christian mask, and it's killing me because 22:17 I know it's not who I am. 22:18 Right, well the first thing you have to do to learn is 22:20 who you are in Christ, reading God's Word. 22:23 You begin to understand I am a friend of Christ, I am a 22:26 child of God, I am an ambassador for Christ. 22:29 The list is a mile long of all the things you are. 22:32 Even if you keep saying to yourself that you don't 22:34 know me to God says, I know you. 22:36 Well, we have to understand, it's not a feeling. 22:38 It's a fact, our feelings of inadequacy and unworthiness 22:43 does not change the fact that we are still a friend of God. 22:45 We're still a child of God. 22:46 We have to accept this is who we are, this is, who God 22:49 created us to be. 22:50 This is who Christ died to restore us as that's right. 22:53 So understanding who you are is very, very pivotal and 22:57 then looking back at the things you have done along the way, 23:00 that word was a detour from that look at those as spiritual 23:03 markers, stop looking at those, 23:05 oh but look at who I am, that's not who you are, 23:07 that's what you did. 23:08 There's a big difference between what you did and who you are. 23:10 What you did is a spiritual marker of how far God 23:13 has brought you since then. 23:15 Even if it's only a day, even it was just yesterday look at 23:18 how far God has brought you today. 23:19 I want to encourage people join up with a, 23:22 celebrate recovery group. 23:23 I was in Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous for six months, 23:26 And I to continue to go whenever I needed 23:29 accountability to find a group of people that 23:31 you can connect with and be real with. 23:33 I think what is really interesting, for a lot of 23:35 people, is they try to do it on their own. 23:37 It's really tough about that is that I can lie to myself, 23:41 better than I can lie to anyone else. 23:43 So in a group, you have accountability. 23:45 You listen to people, stop and I can listen to yourself 23:49 if, say all men I've got just that way I know exactly how 23:51 you feel and I can heal by just listening to someone else. 23:55 And a lot of times, I think that the first early disciples 23:59 did that just by hanging out with each other. 24:01 And we don't tend to hang out with each other as much and 24:04 I think that's why a specific groups are so important. 24:06 So important, absolutely. 24:08 But I do want to warn people though, that whenever you 24:10 start taking those steps towards requiring and start really 24:13 doing the hard work of looking at your stuff, and putting 24:17 on your big girl panties in dealing with your issues. 24:18 What's going to happen is that Satan is going to try 24:22 everything he can to drag you back down to that sin. 24:24 But you just look at that as a test of your 24:27 testimony that you can pass that test, 24:30 and how much greater. 24:32 Is your testimony going to be when you can say as I continue 24:35 to be tempted in that area had the strength to walk away 24:38 and choose a new lifestyle. 24:39 I remember one time, Brad and I had a huge fight and this is 24:43 as I was trying to do all the healing those sexual areas 24:46 and forget who I am as a woman of God. 24:48 And we had this huge fight, and I'm getting on the airplane 24:51 to go do something and I hate to just leave him 24:53 in the middle of that. 24:54 And I get on the plane, and I'm like so distracted because 24:57 I'm thinking we just are is so at odds at each other. 25:01 And I looked at my seat and the guy next to me was the 25:04 cutest guy that I've ever seen on the planet. 25:06 In this little airport. 25:08 I'm the pilot outfit and I'm thinking, Oh Satan shut up. 25:12 I'm not that easy. 25:14 I literally just it was almost like I had to laugh out 25:19 loud that we too have an adversary that will try to trip 25:22 us up in all the kind of stuff and so when you start 25:25 working on this, you're going to have cute little pilots sitting 25:28 next to you. 25:29 Also when we start opening up, and we start forming 25:33 spiritual bonds with other people that can be misleading 25:35 that spiritual intimacy can lead to sexual 25:38 intimacy so quickly. 25:39 There is a fine line between spirituality and sexuality, 25:42 so we have to understand is, that when we are dealing 25:44 with sex and love addiction. 25:45 It is better for women to be in relationship with women 25:49 and men to be in relationship with men. 25:51 And to think that you can do it any other way is 25:55 Ridiculous, you will get tripped up. 25:58 I tried going into the mixed group of Sex and Love Addicts 26:00 Anonymous, but for me personally it was like an 26:03 alcoholic walking into a bar to try to have an AA meeting. 26:07 Right there inside the bar it was too distracting for me. 26:09 But my woman's only group there I could relax and go 26:13 deep, I could be myself. 26:14 And some people, which is really important to learn to its 26:19 there are so many issues with my mom on top of that that 26:21 women's only I had to heal as a woman with women before I 26:27 could actually heal sexually and benefit by having a group 26:30 with women. 26:31 And so it's like God is just saying, I know exactly what 26:34 you need and will take all the steps. 26:35 You may not as you step into a woman's group you may not deal 26:39 with your sexuality yet. 26:40 You may do with mom issues and the fact that I don't know 26:43 who I am as a woman and all those kind of things, 26:45 but embrace every part of the journey. 26:47 Well and something that was helpful from my counselor to do 26:50 with me, she said Shannon, I know you don't want a heavenly 26:53 father right now because I still had all that anger. 26:55 And until I ripped up all those phonebooks and did all that 26:58 screaming and yelling, I didn't care. 27:00 I still had all in me, and she said, stop trying to look 27:04 at God as the heavenly father look at God as a heavenly 27:06 mother, because God has a feminine side too. 27:09 My mother was very caring, very loving, and very patient, 27:12 kind, nurturing. 27:13 When I started to look at God through that lens, the healing 27:17 really took place and what is really funny is that my mom 27:20 and dad both had to issues. 27:22 So when I saw the scripture that God is my friend, 27:25 I just cried. 27:27 I thought Oh stop, I latched onto that, even take it 27:31 where you need to take it as the Holy Spirit because some 27:33 people have to take it away from any parental thing, 27:35 but it says the Bible, God is your friend and friends 27:39 aren't related, they choose to spend time with you 27:42 and I needed all that. 27:43 So it's like he wants to be here I think as you let God work, 27:48 and I see that in your testimony you're saying the same thing. 27:52 Let the Holy Spirit kind of direct where you go with that 27:55 and another thing that was kind of discabooberating to me. 27:59 in the first group that I attended. 28:01 These women were talking about how their taking bubble baths 28:04 and for walks, and I'm just thinking, I'm here to talk 28:06 about sexual issues. 28:07 I don't know what you ladies are talking about. 28:09 But what I had come to under stand that they were talking 28:12 about their self-care that they were tending to their own 28:15 emotional needs and that was keeping them from acting out 28:17 with other people. 28:18 And as I learned to walk, I was learning to talk with God. 28:22 As I learned to bask in a bubble bath, 28:24 I was learning to listen to God. 28:25 that it is in those quiet moments that we can be 28:28 by ourselves, that we truly hear the voice of the Lord. 28:31 And you've worked with Fred Stroker before with every 28:33 Man's Battle, Fred one time shared with me a woman came in, 28:38 and she was leaning against him and he was just trying to 28:43 work out how to kind of stop that. 28:45 But he said he realized at that moment, she was talking about 28:48 different things and her husband's sexual addiction 28:50 and at that moment he realized that God had brought him to 28:53 a place where he was safe. 28:55 And he said, I wanted to cry, and I want to say to her, 28:58 can you excuse me for a minute, because I just want to say. 29:00 God, thank you. 29:01 And there is a sense for women to, is are we safe in the 29:06 body of Christ with men. 29:07 If I'm not in my flirting mode, if I've healed from that 29:10 kind of Grand Canyon need to have all this attention, 29:12 I am safer for men. 29:14 It's huge, the ramifications for healing in this area are 29:18 absolutely huge. 29:19 I think that we need to trust our radar, I think there are 29:22 certain people that yes they can be safe healing 29:24 relationships for us, but there are other people that 29:27 you just kind of get that warning. 29:32 in your spirit that says this is not a safe direction 29:35 and you need to heed that warning. 29:36 Exactly at what is really cool about that is just being 29:39 able to say God showed me the difference, because right 29:44 now my flesh wants to flirt and God is saying Oh baby 29:49 Not good for you. 29:51 And with your husband even the fact that you are able 29:53 with your husband and very few men will let their wives do 29:57 this, Brad will let me do this to, is that with your husband 29:59 being able to say, I'm so tempted right now. 30:01 Being able to be open with him 30:03 or with your wife or whatever on these issues and not have 30:05 them feel its personal and threatened by the right, 30:08 Right, that was my lifeline, Greg holding me accountable. 30:11 And I'm so thankful that I had the courage that God gave me the 30:14 courage to be that open with him, because I think if 30:17 I had just hid it would have been a much bigger slippery 30:20 slope, which would have led to a much deeper pit. 30:22 Whatever we keep in this shadows the devil plays with us. 30:25 I believe. 30:26 Absolutely, and so, whether it's a spouse or so best friend 30:28 or counselor, you need to be honest and real was someone 30:32 on the planet about what you are dealing with we confess 30:34 our sins to one another that we may be healed. 30:36 And the healing in this area is more important 30:41 than the healing in most areas we are going to 30:43 open it up for questions. 30:44 And I want to just say that there are people here at the 30:48 café that are dying to ask you something because you know, 30:50 sex is important all of us. 30:51 So are going to open it up for questions. 30:54 I want to first say what ever just say whatever you want. 30:59 Because I just think with this were talking about sex okay? 31:04 And so Amanda. 31:05 As you say, date rape as a 14-year-old in high school. 31:10 Did you run away and hide or did you tell 31:13 talk to somebody about it? 31:15 What did you do? 31:16 Well, this was a young man that did not attend my school, 31:20 so it's not like I had to encounter him on a regular basis 31:22 and I think that our was so embarrassed by the fact that I 31:25 paid a price but did get the goods than I thought I was 31:28 going to get a relationship out of the deal and I didn't I 31:30 I just didn't tell until anyone. 31:32 I didn't tell my parents because I wasn't allowed to be alone 31:35 with a boy and I was afraid I would get in trouble. 31:37 And so I carried that secret for probably about 10 years. 31:40 That has happened to so many people. 31:42 Before I recognized how deeply that wounded me and how 31:46 it set me on a course toward making dysfunctional choice 31:49 after dysfunctional choice, I just didn't know 31:52 what to do with it. 31:53 But I think bringing it to the light, talking it through with 31:57 First of yourself, then of the other person that has been 32:02 very helpful for me. 32:03 It's almost like a domino effect that we set up that one 32:08 thing falls on another and on another and we just get so 32:11 damaged and so twisted and God says, you know what 32:15 I want to heal every single area. 32:17 I'm not ashamed of you I have never pulled my love 32:20 from you and I so want to heal you. 32:23 That domino effect can work for the bad, but it can also 32:25 work for the good. 32:26 God assumed pulling back layer after layer of things He wants 32:29 to heal in our lives. 32:30 And we just get stronger and healthier. 32:31 That's incredible and I never thought about that, but it 32:34 is as God pours out into us that we can stand outside 32:38 of all that garbage. 32:39 Okay, any other questions. 32:40 Nyse go-ahead. 32:42 Of course, I have one. 32:43 I'm outnumbered here are those a lot estrogen going on and 32:47 very little testosterone, but I'm going to take advantage 32:49 of this opportunity. 32:50 Usually it's the guys where society puts the perspective 32:54 that the guy has to be pure because he's the one that 32:56 messes up everything you know before you get into 32:59 the relationship, I'm still looking. 33:01 I'm waiting on the Lord to bless me with a significant other. 33:03 But I an going to take advantage. 33:05 What because we just realize here hey, it is not only the 33:09 guys who mess up. 33:10 Sometimes it happens on the other end. 33:13 You mentioned some items there about the 33:15 emotional needs being met. 33:17 Yes, the guy needs to trust in God but what else stuck out 33:21 most about your husband about being there to listen 33:25 me like what more can I do. 33:26 But we guys what can we do you know? 33:29 Sure before I get into that. 33:31 I just want to say to you, woman to man, me representative 33:36 of women and you be representative of all men. 33:38 We just want to say we are sorry for how we have always 33:40 pointed the finger at men and said these sexual 33:42 issues they are all your problem. 33:44 These are your fault, no, it takes two to tango. 33:46 We often flirt and tease. 33:48 We often lead you in those directions and we are sorry that 33:51 there is that Stigma in men's mind's, because women are sexual 33:54 beings to and we have to work on our stuff too, so yeah. 33:57 You may get a woman even though she is in a great place 34:00 in live currently maybe she has an emotional things 34:03 the past, sexual promiscuity, sexual abuse, and it is 34:06 really good that you are asking the question now, 34:08 how can I help her heal? 34:09 Because as a husband or a wife, it is the huge agent 34:12 of healing in their spouse and I think the biggest thing 34:15 that Greg did for me was that he never ever once threw 34:18 it in my face. 34:19 And he always treated me with the same trust level as if 34:22 I had never slept around at all, so whenever I traveled, 34:26 you know whenever I was at home alone. 34:28 He never asked, was anyone there with you or, 34:31 who's could be in that car you meeting up with anybody? 34:34 He was never suspicious, he always gave me far more credit 34:37 than I even gave myself. 34:39 He knew that my guilty conscience would bring me to the 34:43 altar of repentance and confession much faster than his 34:47 pointing a finger would. 34:48 So he just never threw it up. 34:50 He never brought it up. 34:51 He was available to me whenever I needed to talk about it, 34:54 but he never reminded me of my past. 34:57 I love and one other thing that it seems like he did or, 35:01 I know that my husband, does for me is that that he's 35:05 so doesn't engage, if I want to be chaotic and crazy and 35:10 drama non-non-non-na na. 35:12 Brad said, I think that's your stuff than he doesn't have to 35:15 take it on himself. 35:16 He doesn't have to pretend he understands it's like you 35:18 know I don't even understand where you just went. 35:21 But I love you. 35:22 And if she starts feeling tempted remember, this is 35:25 probably not about you and her, this is probably about 35:28 her and some things from her past and you can be that 35:31 agent of healing by just remaining calm and saying. 35:33 I'm going to look past your weaknesses to recognize what 35:36 your real needs are, because women are looking for love they 35:39 need unconditional love, and when you stick in there with her 35:42 she going to feel that unconditional love, where she 35:44 needs to feel it from, her husband. 35:46 I love you, I want to say thank you for being on the show. 35:49 Thank you for joining us. 35:50 Thank you for sharing all that and I want to thank God for 35:53 His healing in your life, How cool. 35:55 This was 35:58 We have too much to say in a little bit of time so hopefully 36:00 Shannon is going to come back sometime. 36:02 I just go into more detail about what she has experienced 36:05 in recovery, but right now we are going to take a break. 36:07 Stay with us, we will be right back! |
Revised 2014-12-17