Participants: Cheri Peters (Host), Dwight Hall, Debbie Hall
Series Code: CLR
Program Code: CLR00063A
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00:10 Welcome to Celebrating Life in Recovery!
00:12 My name is Cheri and today 00:14 we are going to look at what 00:15 happens when I am in total denial, I don't know anything, 00:17 how does God get through to me? 00:19 Come and join us because it is pretty exciting 00:21 and actually good stuff. 00:23 If you are in denial it's going to help. 00:52 Welcome back! 00:53 You know I really love, this whole season we do a teaching. 00:58 Every season I want to have 01:00 at the end of the season 01:02 for you to remember something about recovery. 01:05 And the first ones, I'm going to recap again, 01:07 I've already done that this season but the first ones 01:10 were just foundational Christianity, about repentance, 01:14 prayer, and who God is, and who we are and 01:17 then the Holy Spirit. 01:18 We talked about getting into the word of God, 01:20 because in our recovery if I lean on my own stuff, 01:23 I'm going to end up where have always ended up. 01:26 That is not ever good, but this season I'm trying to do, 01:31 I think the most important thing about recovery is totally 01:35 turning it over to God, totally. 01:38 Not even thinking I know where to go and I will explain 01:42 again why I think that is important. 01:43 I spent the first 21 years in my recovery thinking 01:49 I knew where to go. 01:50 And I was serious, I'm seriously going to 01:54 look at heroin addiction. 01:55 I am seriously going to look at that I am a drug addict. 01:59 And I'm going to stop doing drugs, I'm going to stop all 02:03 drugs, I'm going to stop sleeping with my neighbor. 02:05 I'm going to stop what ever is that God tells me to stop, 02:08 I will stop all that. 02:10 I was serious, I got every book on the planet, 02:13 I had my shelves full and if you wanted to know how 02:16 not to do drugs, how to stop doing drugs, 02:19 I could pull from the shelf a book and handed it to you. 02:22 I had everything. 02:23 I have books on depression, I have books on anger. 02:25 What was really funny about the anger books, 02:28 somebody tried to give me a book on anger and 02:30 I'm thinking I'm not angry. 02:33 I was so in denial about my own anger that 02:37 I didn't even see it. 02:38 In fact one time I went to a psychologist and he said, 02:42 have you ever been angry about any of this? 02:44 And I said no, and he looked at me like oh man, 02:47 oh when she gets in touch with this, 02:50 and he helped me to get in touch with that so 02:52 I was angry totally for about a year. 02:54 So I've got books on that. 02:55 I have books on everything and finally after 10, 20 years, 03:01 first 10 years went by then 20 years went by. 03:06 In my 21st year of recovery, I thought God I'm tired, 03:12 should this be so hard? 03:15 He said, no, actually no. 03:18 That is when I learned the whole thing about turning 03:20 it over to Him, the Holy Spirit and all that stuff. 03:23 But He did something that I thought was so not fair. 03:26 He said now I'm going to tell you what to do. 03:31 What your first step is. 03:34 Now I'm thinking wait a minute, first step, 03:37 I have been doing this 21 years haven't I already 03:40 done the first step? 03:41 He said you've done all your stuff, and I have. 03:44 I did everything I thought I should do to be in recovery. 03:47 Do you know of God tells me to do? 03:49 Go wash the dishes, and I am thinking stop, 03:55 what do you mean wash the dishes? 03:56 Make my bed, get up and go outside and take a breath. 04:00 Have water instead of soda, do you know what I mean 04:03 God just got real simple. 04:05 He didn't say, this is not complicated, 04:07 I'm going to teach you how to live and 04:09 how to be healthy. 04:10 I mean He started teaching me. 04:12 He said I want you to learn to connect with people. 04:15 I have attachment disorders and bonding disorders. 04:18 I don't know if anybody understands that. 04:20 If you do understand that is I don't know how to do that. 04:23 I process myself in the room, I don't know how to sit with 04:26 somebody and just say hi how is the weather. 04:28 In fact I can't figure out why you guys kept talking about 04:31 the weather, do you know I mean? 04:32 I did know how to do any of that. 04:33 So He says I want you to take a class. 04:36 I'm like what kind of a class? 04:39 Any kind of class, so I got in my phonebook, I like art. 04:44 So I got into an art store and walked in, 04:47 what kind of class do you have? 04:49 They had a crochet class going on. 04:51 I'm thinking are you kidding me? 04:52 I'm a hard-core druggie in recovery, 04:55 I'm now doing worldwide evangelism, 04:57 and God is telling me to start a crochet class 05:00 with a group of women that I don't even know? 05:04 Not Christians, just crochet and I sat there and 05:08 just felt like, I thought, God this is kind of stupid. 05:12 He was like, this stupid stuff will get you right into 05:16 recovery, right into recovery because we need to connect 05:19 with each other and need to do all this stuff. 05:21 I thought it was about understanding my past, my abuse, 05:25 my molest, my neglect, my addictions, my whatever. 05:29 He said you don't even know how to connect with anybody. 05:31 You don't know how to let anybody connect with you. 05:34 So in this crochet class I laughed with other women. 05:37 I hung out with them. 05:39 We talked about just whatever was going on 05:42 with us that day. 05:43 Some of it was serious, somebody had just went 05:46 through divorce, husband left them for somebody 05:49 that was 20 years younger. 05:51 She had to deal with all that stuff, 05:53 so as we crocheted we talked about that. 05:55 Some body else just got a promotion on their job and she 05:58 was stoked about that and we talked about that stuff. 06:01 I got to talk about whatever, at first I didn't even 06:05 know what to talk about and do you know I said? So lame! 06:09 Wow what crazy weather were having, because I knew that 06:13 was what you guys did to feel each other out, 06:15 so I am like saying that. 06:16 What was really interesting to me is when I said to God, what 06:22 about all those years that I went in 06:24 all these different directions? 06:25 It wasn't wasted time because God said, Him and I hung out, 06:30 I got to learn some stuff, but all the stuff that I 06:34 focused on for all those years didn't help me as much as a 06:39 a simple crochet class. 06:40 It's weird, when we turn it over to God, 06:44 He says I will actually direct your steps. 06:46 I will show you what you need to know. 06:48 I will teach you what you need to know. 06:51 I needed to learn how to socialize. 06:54 I thought I already knew, 06:57 I got a book on how to socialize. 06:59 My husband almost did not marry me, you can ask Brad, 07:02 Brad just laughed at this. 07:03 Brad said he was thinking about marrying me, 07:05 my family are drug addicts and 07:07 dying of their addictions. 07:08 My sisters are strippers and sell cocaine for a living. 07:10 Mike has a porn site, do you know what I mean? 07:13 His dad is an ambassador for the United States. 07:15 His mom plays violin in Madison, 07:17 Wisconsin for the orchestra. 07:19 So we were so different and he did all these fundraisers, 07:23 he teaches music at the University and so 07:26 he said Cheri you can't even socialize. 07:28 When I come into a room full of people, 07:30 I had such panic attacks, I had to leave the room. 07:33 So of course I got a book on how to socialize because 07:36 that was safe for me, not socializing but getting 07:39 the book was safe, and the book said you walk into a crowd. 07:44 I loved this, you walk into a circle of people talking 07:47 and you stop. 07:48 You listen to what they are saying, don't say anything 07:52 until you know, you know, what they are saying. 07:54 If they are talking about economy you don't want to say, 07:57 you know what my first suicide attempt 07:59 was when I was eight. 08:00 Because it just misses the conversation up. 08:02 But it is like walking in and you figured out and then 08:06 you join in, and there is an energy in the circle and 08:08 you pay attention to that and when it is your turn 08:11 to speak, you speak and stay on topic. 08:13 So I read the whole book. 08:15 I was ready to do it. 08:17 Brad was having a fund raiser, the orchestra was meeting 08:21 after the concert, everybody is in this one room. 08:23 I looked adorable, I'm telling you I was so adorable. 08:26 I walked in, I had my symphony clothes on, so I had this little 08:29 gown on and I walked up to the group and I was nervous. 08:33 I did not know where to put my hands or feet, 08:34 I probably should have left them underneath me. 08:36 So I walked up and put my foot like this and just crossed them 08:40 and was going to stand there like that, I am not sure why 08:44 I wanted to stand there like that, but when I did that 08:48 I had high heels on and I tripped myself and fell 08:52 flat on the ground. 08:53 I did know how to do that it wasn't in the chapters 08:57 I read, so I got up and just continued my conversation. 09:00 Everybody was like did she just fall? 09:03 So it is like even if we read about it, 09:06 it is not the same as turning it over to God. 09:08 Let go and let God allow recovery programs say. 09:11 There is a point in your recovery that the best 09:14 you have ever done in your life has got you to the point 09:17 you are at now. 09:18 And I do want to be mean to people 09:21 who don't have obvious addictions. 09:23 Obvious addictions, you're slamming heroine, your strung 09:27 out on Internet porn, your a gambler, you beat your wife, 09:32 your a rage-aholic, but what about perfectionism, 09:34 and what about religious addictions and 09:36 those cleaner addictions? 09:37 If you were sitting there and you are miserable, 09:40 absolutely miserable, I don't want to wake up tomorrow 09:43 because I know I keep doing this, then you need recovery. 09:46 And I mean seriously need recovery. 09:49 So at that point don't get another book, God told me one 09:52 time, Cheri I want you to get rid of all your books. 09:56 My palms started sweating. 09:58 I'm thinking are you kidding me? 09:59 What if I need help? 10:01 How about asking Me? 10:03 I'm thinking what if I need help, what if I need my books? 10:07 He said you need to get rid of all these books. 10:09 I've said this before, probably on the first season, 10:11 is that I started crying, and I am not a crier. 10:14 My husband in 20 years has seen me cry maybe three or four 10:18 times, so I am telling you crying is 10:19 not something I do well. 10:21 So I am like God, and He is like Cheri get rid of them. 10:29 I was mad, I want to be normal and you know what it is 10:37 so not fair because she gets to be normal. 10:40 God said, you'll be normal when I come back. 10:44 I thought unless you are coming back tomorrow, 10:48 that's not helping me, because I want to be normal now, 10:51 I want to be normal today. 10:52 It was really interesting because I fought, I fought, 10:55 I thought my being normal means that I need to know 10:58 all this stuff about recovery. 11:00 I need to have all these books about recovery. 11:02 I need to know how to deal with anger and depression 11:06 and hatred and molest issues and past memories stuff, 11:09 nightmares and all that stuff I need to know all that. 11:11 Please hear me, I am not knocking any of that. 11:15 For me none of that worked, I knew tons and 11:18 I was still miserable. 11:20 God's said, get rid of the books, 11:23 throw them out and come sit with Me. 11:26 I'm thinking I don't know what that means. 11:30 He said, so you are powerless here. 11:33 I said yeah, He said that step one. 11:35 I'm like how cool are You? 11:39 How cool are You, He did not shame me for 21 years when 11:43 I went in every single direction. 11:44 He did not tell me Cheri you're wrong, wrong, wrong, 11:48 wrong, wrong, wrong, He didn't keep doing that, 11:52 He let me do what I was determined to do even though 11:56 He knew eventually I would have come to this place! 12:00 God I do not know what to do, I have done everything 12:03 in my power to get well and I am still not well. 12:07 He said, will you trust Me? 12:09 I'm thinking, man, I don't know. 12:14 You know when I said I don't know what cracks me up? 12:17 He said, that is the issue, 12:20 you have never learned to trust anybody. 12:22 I thought, are you kidding me? 12:25 Because I'm saying I don't know thinking that was 12:28 such wisdom and He is saying that is the issue. 12:32 Since you were a little girl nobody has, 12:34 I read in Ezekiel one time there was a text. 12:37 Ezekiel 16:4 where it says in the days that you were born 12:41 nobody wrapped you, nobody loved you, nobody cared about 12:45 you, nobody cleaned you up, nobody even cut your cord. 12:49 When I read that I am trying to act adult in this class 12:53 and I started sobbing because that is how I felt. 12:56 Nobody ever did those things. 12:58 I did not learn anything. 12:59 So when you think about when we learn to trust. 13:04 When you think where we learn to feel comfortable in love, 13:07 in our own skin, we learn that from the people around us. 13:11 But the people around us are damaged at any level. 13:13 Not because they are cruel, not because they are horrible. 13:16 My mom is not horrible, she was never loved, 13:18 didn't have it to teach me. 13:20 So the more I get into recovery, the more I look at her 13:23 and think, you know what, you just didn't have it. 13:26 He said you never learned the basic things that is going to 13:32 cause you to flourish, to grow, to be well, 13:35 and that is to trust. 13:36 I'm going to teach you that. 13:37 I'm thinking okay, I'm ready for this huge thing, 13:42 and He says take a crochet class. 13:46 Wash your dishes, get outside, take a breath, 13:50 drink some water, eat an apple, make your bed, 13:54 and I am thinking well what about, is there a book? 13:58 Do you want me to read a book? 13:59 Well He says absolutely, but we are not going to start 14:03 there, we are going to start with taking a breath, 14:07 hang out with somebody, laugh with someone, 14:09 connect with people. 14:11 It is amazing to me as, people tell me now in the 14:14 last 10 years, Cheri you absolutely are looking better. 14:21 People know that I got diagnosed with cancer. 14:25 Even since then, man you look good. 14:27 I'm thinking you know what, 14:29 I'm finally letting go and letting God. 14:32 I'm not struggling for my recovery anymore. 14:36 I am not fighting for my recovery. 14:37 I do not have to understand all things. 14:39 When something comes up that is ugly from my past I take 14:43 it right to God and say what about this? 14:44 What's up with this because this keeps coming up? 14:47 He tells me, He tells me going through His word, 14:49 He tells me with counsel with people that I love, 14:52 He tells me somehow but I do not have to dig into that. 14:54 He brings it up when it needs to be brought up and 14:57 then I can look at it. 14:58 I do not have to focus on that every minute of my life. 15:00 What I have to focus on the every minute of my life, 15:02 is to let go and let God. 15:05 Most of the time when I do that the things that 15:09 He asked me to do are simple. 15:11 Do you know what He just gave me? 15:12 A bicycle, and do you know what is really cool about that? 15:15 Is that when you are this damaged and you focus on 15:18 recovery, recovery is always about such heavy stuff. 15:21 What else can I do? What else can I learn? 15:24 What else can I dive into? What else can I uncover? 15:27 God gives you a bicycle and says, get outside and ride. 15:30 I'm thinking the first time I got out from a bike shop, 15:33 and I didn't have any money, I'm in Ministry. 15:36 If you have any money please send it to us, but I didn't have 15:38 any money so I just put the word out to my friends. 15:41 Money came in and I got this bike. 15:44 I got out onto the road on this bike, and I am riding 15:47 down the street, I just wanted to laugh out loud. 15:50 I felt like a little kid and it felt so good. 15:53 So now for the Leukemia Society I am like a poster child 15:56 and we are doing 100 mile bike run around 15:58 Lake Tahoe in June. 16:00 We are doing a 300 mile ride for an AIDS center in 16:04 Africa raising money for them. 16:06 So we are riding and it is for a purpose and it is fun. 16:09 I am riding with 25 other people that have committed to 16:11 do something good, they are getting exercise, 16:13 they are getting outside, and I am thinking God this 16:16 is the funnest recovery ever. 16:17 It is different than what I was doing. 16:20 I was in my house in a book, in a group 16:23 trying to learn about anger. 16:25 He is saying how about learning about life? 16:26 I'm like, You are cool! 16:29 So let go, let God. 16:32 We are going to take a break and I will introduce you 16:34 to some friends of mine when we come back. 16:35 We will hear how God taught them the very thing 16:38 I am talking about, and if you get this very thing, 16:41 I'm telling you recovery goes from be this dreaded thing, 16:44 this intense thing, to where you were start laughing out 16:47 loud and you might even get a bike. 16:50 Stay with us! |
Revised 2014-12-17