Participants: Cheri Peters (Host), Gerri Morrison
Series Code: CLR
Program Code: CLR00064A
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00:10 Welcome to Celebrating Life in Recovery
00:12 I'm Cheri your host! 00:13 Have you ever felt like you 00:15 went from up here to down in the pits and you don't know 00:18 how you got there? 00:19 We have a guest that is going to talk about her story 00:21 and how she got back, it's exciting. 00:23 Come join us! 00:52 Welcome back! 00:53 What is incredible to me is 00:55 when do you actually find, 00:57 when do you actually know you are in trouble? 00:59 With what ever your choices are, wherever your life has 01:02 taking you to, where all of a sudden you stand up and say 01:06 you know what? What happened! 01:08 And Gerri I want to say welcome to the program. 01:11 Thank you Cheri is so good to be here. 01:13 We usually don't start out with a guest sitting on the 01:17 program, I usually do a little bit of a teaching first, 01:19 but I think that what you have to say as far as where you 01:22 came from and what your passion is I want to make sure 01:24 that you have all the time you need. 01:26 So we are going to start from the very beginning. 01:28 First of all where are you from? 01:31 Colorado, southern Colorado. 01:32 It's beautiful out there! Oh it is. 01:34 You know that I am learning to socialize so I'm going to 01:37 ask you how is the weather there? 01:38 Snowy and cold. 01:40 That's funny so anyhow where did you come from? 01:44 Were you Christian and just start from the very 01:48 beginning in your family? 01:50 We were raised in a Catholic home. 01:52 My mother went to Ursuline 01:55 and my dad went to Jesuit. 01:56 We were very Catholic. 01:58 A couple of my aunts are nuns. 02:02 What is really funny is that you say very Catholic. 02:04 I'm thinking very Catholic, so you could have been a nun? 02:08 All no, no, no, no, not me! 02:10 We start out going to church as a family all time 02:15 until my parents got divorced when I was 13. 02:17 Back then it was Taboo, Taboo to get a divorce. 02:20 It was shameful. 02:21 It was very shameful, of course there were a lot more 02:23 shameful things that we learned to sweep everything 02:25 under the rug, but we were essentially booted out of 02:27 the church when I was 13. 02:28 We quit going to church. 02:30 I knew about God, but did not know God. 02:33 Then I got married. 02:35 So let me say when your parents got divorced did you live 02:39 with your mom, or lived with your dad? 02:41 Mostly with my mom. 02:42 So going back and forth sometimes? 02:44 Sometimes mom, sometimes dad. 02:46 Very different lifestyles between the two of them. 02:48 My dad was a television producer and so we had the fast lane 02:51 for Summers and that we have mom the rest of the time. 02:54 So I couldn't wait to get out the house. 02:56 Like a lot of young teenagers can hardly wait 02:59 to get out of the house. 03:00 I drank, I experimented with alcohol and pot 03:03 all through high school, but everybody else did. 03:06 Was that from home or just from school? 03:09 So when you got exposed to that? 03:10 School, probably school mostly but it seemed to be okay 03:14 at home too, we got away with it all the time. 03:16 But I did get out of the house at 19 and got married. 03:21 We started making a lot of money, too much money in 03:24 and outfitting business. 03:26 We had high dollar clientele, and our high dollar clientele 03:29 eventually introduced us to cocaine. 03:31 It seemed very socially acceptable because 03:34 it was with the right people. 03:35 I have to say with that because the lot of people, 03:37 if you are not from that lifestyle, 03:39 it's amazing how socially acceptable it is. 03:43 Even for me marrying into the arts, my husband is a music 03:48 teacher at the University. 03:50 It is amazing to me how many people actually, casually 03:53 do pot, definitely drink, and do it a few lines of cocaine. 03:59 It is like you are hip, you are successful, you are hip, 04:04 it is okay. 04:05 Well it starts out that way, like you said, just do a few 04:07 lines of cocaine here and there. 04:09 It's like the celebration at the end of a long hunting week. 04:12 A little alcohol, a little cocaine, and it was just part 04:16 of the event, will it eventually became the event itself. 04:20 Pretty soon my husband and I were doing about $300 a day. 04:23 We started freebasing cocaine. 04:26 Explain to people what freebasing is? 04:27 Because some people will not know what that is. 04:29 It is cooking cocaine into crack so that it can be smoked. 04:33 So what is really interesting, the first time I heard 04:37 you say that, I am thinking that you guys have 04:40 your own business, you are successful, 04:42 and you have the house and cars and all that 04:44 and you are smoking crack. 04:47 Making about $1 million a year and smoking crack. 04:50 The thing is this different from the street, 04:53 I read your first book and felt very connected 04:55 to you at that time. 04:57 I never made a million bucks. 04:59 It's a different thing, I had access to it. 05:02 I had the money to get it. 05:03 It wasn't a thing of not being able to get it, or having 05:06 to do something illegal to get it. 05:09 I was doing respectable things to buy my drugs and it 05:13 seemed more acceptable to me that way I think. 05:15 I justified it, that's one of the ways I used to justify 05:19 continuing with it. 05:23 When I was on the street, we could see you coming. 05:27 We could see the person that was nose diving, 05:30 all of a sudden they are making poorer choices. 05:32 They are coming and getting connections from people they 05:34 would never have talked to before and all those things. 05:38 We can see people all of a sudden start losing everything. 05:41 The business, houses and all that stuff. 05:43 What did that slide look like for you? 05:46 Because you still have the house, you still have the 05:48 business and all that stuff, what did that 05:50 slide start to look like? 05:51 Cheri, I don't even think I knew, 05:53 I was in it for a long, long time. 05:56 It got where the business wasn't important and I wasn't 06:00 doing the things I needed to do, to keep it going, 06:02 and to keep the money coming in. 06:04 But we still had enough money to get by, to get high! 06:09 To get high exactly. 06:11 Because even food at one point is not important? 06:14 Food no it wasn't. 06:16 People that loved you, there has got to be people around 06:19 you that said man, wait, something is happening. 06:22 You guys are partying too much, it's a little bit too much. 06:26 Did people around you put any warning signs up? 06:29 Holler or grab you? 06:31 Very little for a long time because we lived out in the 06:35 sticks, 11 years of no electricity. 06:39 We lived back in the sticks with a hunting camp and just 06:41 worked part time of the year, during hunting season. 06:43 So we did it by stealth for a long time without 06:46 anybody knowing it. 06:48 But the family members knew something wasn't right. 06:51 We didn't have a phone so nobody could call us and stay 06:54 in touch, I'd go to town once a month and get the mail. 06:57 I would mail letters out, but people bought books and I 07:02 heard you talk about that. 07:03 And you get all the right books on recovery. 07:06 You get a book on getting straight, getting clean on the 07:08 AA book and you always think if I read all the books, 07:11 I am going to fit in that perfect little box of being 07:13 normal, I want to be normal, that is all I wanted to do is 07:16 to just be normal. 07:17 Even while you're using you felt like you really do want to 07:22 be normal, I have a sense that my life is spiraling out of 07:26 control and I need to grab hold of some control. 07:29 I would go in and out of that. 07:32 When I was high it did not matter, but there would be times 07:34 when I need to go get more drugs to use again. 07:37 I did think about that and finally I sat down one day in 07:42 the corner and cried and thought what has happened to me. 07:45 I just had my head my hands and just wept and wept. 07:49 I did not know how people could live without drugs. 07:51 I thought how does anybody get through a day 07:53 without doing drugs? 07:55 I know that you probably understand that, 07:57 but probably a lot of people don't. 07:59 Because you are saying I would much rather do a drug 08:03 big breath right now. 08:04 Absolutely, absolutely! 08:06 I came to that point, I did not know how I got there. 08:08 I did not see that slide like you said, 08:11 I was from one point where I was normal and suddenly 08:15 found myself in the gutter. 08:17 In the absolute gutter and not knowing how to get out of it. 08:20 Not knowing any way to get out of it. 08:21 What is really interesting to me is when you said, and I 08:24 remember feeling this way, is when you wake up and you know 08:27 your very first thought is of a drug. 08:29 Your very first thought is how am I going to, and usually if 08:33 you are asleep it is because you crashed, but your very first 08:36 thought is how am I going to get this stuff all lined 08:39 out for the day. 08:40 And I can't imagine trying to do this straight. 08:43 I couldn't imagine going through a day straight. 08:45 Sometimes I wouldn't even know how long I slept. 08:47 It could have been a few days after being high for 08:49 a week or more without any sleep or any food. 08:52 How crazy did you get after a week of being up? 08:56 I finally came to the point to crash and I think it was 08:58 weakness, I lost a lot of weight, I was under 100 pounds. 09:02 I probably lost 15 to 20 pounds through that. 09:05 It was just a long summer, when we didn't have hunting 09:08 camp going on, of just using every day, every day, 09:11 every day that I was awake. 09:13 It is so the saddest thing when someone is grabbing hold 09:20 of something that is killing them, and not even seeing it. 09:22 Not even seen it, just grabbing a hold of this. 09:24 But that was all I knew, at the time, it became all I knew. 09:27 It was the only way to survive in my own skin. 09:30 Now you are at of place where you are saying God. 09:31 I can't do this anymore, I can't do this anymore! 09:34 I called my mother and said mom I'm a cocaine addict 09:37 and I need help, can I come live with you for awhile? 09:39 She was stunned, but she said yes like mothers do. 09:43 Mothers are the ones that will always pray for 09:45 you no matter what. 09:46 She let me move in with her and I got clean went 09:49 through a divorce and went through a 90 day rehab 09:52 program in Houston. 09:54 How is that? It was awesome! 09:57 Was it awesome because it is real scary, 09:59 you are saying okay I am going to grab hold of whatever I 10:04 need to grab hold of in order to get off of these drugs. 10:06 I'm going to grab hold of like when you said, mom, 10:09 mom I need to come home. 10:12 I had to get out the environment. 10:14 After the divorce and going through rehab I ended up moving 10:17 back in with my ex-husband and working in the business 10:20 because it was financially good for both of us and 10:22 I ended up using some again. 10:24 So I'm falling back, but I still don't know God, 10:26 I knew there was a God, but I did not know Him personally. 10:29 He had the 90 days behind you and you are doing less of 10:31 the drugs, so you are not using as much? 10:33 I was not using it all but it happened 10:36 a few times after that. 10:37 Then we went separate ways and were divorced and after, 10:41 hunting season we went our separate ways. 10:43 I found the Seventh-day Adventist church, got baptized. 10:48 But you just can't tell me it like that. 10:51 How, but how did you find, because what you are saying 10:56 is that somehow God came into your life, 10:58 probably during the 90 day program more. 11:00 More in the 90 day program. 11:02 Then you decided to join a church? 11:04 Um hum! What did that looked like because those are huge 11:08 steps, it just doesn't happen one day you walk 11:11 into a church building. 11:12 My mother had gotten into the church, 11:14 my mother had come into the church and she started 11:16 having someone give me Bible studies. 11:18 I was still bouncing back and forth between alcohol 11:21 and drugs and the Bible, alcohol, drugs, and the Bible. 11:24 This mad circled it doesn't seem to end, 11:27 because doing drugs and alcohol... 11:29 because God loves you in that mad bounce. 11:33 I did feel I was being drawn, 11:35 there was something else I wanted. 11:38 I was not content with what I had, even though I had 11:41 everything I could buy with money, that wasn't cutting it. 11:44 That wasn't what I wanted it wasn't satisfying that 11:46 longing in my heart, that emptiness. 11:49 I still had that even after I got clean, 11:53 I still had that same emptiness, 11:55 it hadn't fixed me at all. 11:57 I was either a sober drunk or would say a clean, 12:02 I was living clean but I wasn't on the inside. 12:05 My head was not there. 12:07 Just my body was cleaned up for a long time. 12:11 I began to be sober long enough to start reading God's Word. 12:17 He spoke to me through the pages of His word. 12:21 What were some of the things that you first were blessed by? 12:24 Do you remember? 12:26 God's Word and people that prayed. 12:28 God's Word and people that prayed! 12:30 My mother never stopped praying, 12:32 even when I was at my worst and dancing on tables for fun, 12:36 not because I needed the money, in a strip club 12:39 because it was part of our entertainment. 12:42 Doing drugs, and even when I was at my worst I had told 12:45 my mother what we were, what I was doing. 12:47 She still prayed for me, she still loved me. 12:50 People told my mother if that was my daughter 12:52 I would disown her. 12:53 My mom is like, if that was your daughter I would too, 12:55 but that is my daughter, that is my daughter and God said 12:59 that is my child, that is my child she is my child. 13:02 God had people pray for me when I couldn't pray for myself. 13:05 That is an incredible thing for your mom to say. 13:07 But it is my daughter! 13:09 It's my daughter. 13:11 That love was there, I guess a mothers love. 13:13 So she was saying, you know what I will pray until 13:15 I can't speak, till can't breathe, till I can't think. 13:18 I'm going to pray until she gets it. 13:22 And she did, she did. 13:24 I don't think mothers could ever quit praying for their 13:26 children, whoever you pray for don't ever give up, 13:28 don't ever give up. 13:29 I know that people must have prayed for you, 13:30 and people prayed for me and they didn't give up. 13:33 I have just got to say that my mom gave me to an aunt 13:36 when I was like 10 or 11 years old in Canada. 13:39 I came to Christ, and I was horrible to this aunt. 13:43 I thought I hate you, you can't keep me here, 13:45 and I want to go back to my moms. 13:48 She would say I love you and I would say I hate you. 13:50 And when she was dying I wanted to go back and say I am 13:54 sorry, because I was horrible and I had become a Christian. 13:57 She said from the time that you left I prayed for you 14:01 everyday of your life. 14:03 I knew at that moment I knew that her prayers got me 14:07 through all that and standing up. 14:09 I started to panic because I thought how she said I prayed 14:13 for you and I prayed for your whole family, your mom. 14:15 I saw that she was dying all of a sudden my eyes are 14:18 totally open and I am sitting there on her death bed and 14:21 we are talking and I said Auntie May, 14:23 who's going to pray for us now? 14:25 She says it looks like you are. 14:27 I felt like this baton just got pasted and it scared me 14:30 but I knew she was right. 14:31 She was saying please don't forget, everyone in your family. 14:34 I think sometimes we do, like you said is that we think it 14:38 is beyond hope, or your brain is fried and there is no way. 14:43 And you are saying that your mom never stopped? 14:45 Never stopped praying. That's incredible! 14:47 But what is incredible to me is that you start to move, 14:50 you got into rehab, and then you relapsed and she knows 14:53 that you have relapsed. 14:54 And she continued to pray, and they got me all the books. 14:58 You know I have to talk about all the books, 15:00 you get all the books. They come from everywhere. 15:02 All those books? 15:03 Everybody sends you books, books on how to recover, 15:05 and how to get clean, how to get straight, 15:07 and the big book, the AA book. 15:09 You had to have all the books. 15:10 I really thought by reading the books I could get my 15:14 life straight on my own, by my own doing it. 15:17 Do it myself I could just leave me alone, I'm fine I'm going 15:21 to get through this and I'm going to get straight and clean, 15:23 I've got the books I've got everything I need. 15:24 But do you know what, it didn't. 15:27 It didn't, it did not get me where I wanted to be. 15:30 I was clean but I was craving it all the time. 15:35 That is all that I can think about was drugs. 15:36 You wake up craving it? 15:38 Absolutely! You dream about it? 15:39 You dream about it, oh those dreams, and you wake up not 15:42 even knowing if it was a dream or did it really happen? 15:48 That would have a more nights than it didn't, 15:50 I would have drug dreams. 15:52 In fact here this is so many years later, 15:56 it has been in just the last few months that I quit having 15:59 drug dreams, and quick craving it in the last few months. 16:02 Even though I have been in and out of it over several years. 16:04 When you woke up, the first few times she woke up and 16:06 you didn't think of drugs right away, wasn't that amazing? 16:10 It was, all my it was. 16:12 Like I said this is a new Revelation, it has just been 16:14 in the last few months that I realized that I haven't 16:16 thought about it when the bill was past due or some little 16:20 crisis around the house like the water heater flooded. 16:23 I don't think about it anymore. 16:25 You are becoming free? 16:27 Absolutely and it is amazing to me to think that way. 16:31 So you end up getting into a Bible study, into a church, 16:35 but you had a relapse during some of that time. 16:37 What happened with that? 16:39 I did, I ended up remarrying 16:43 and I ended up staying in 16:44 the Adventist church and marrying again. 16:47 Did you marry a druggie again? 16:50 No not this time. 16:51 You know a lot of us do. 16:53 And then I think how did I get here again. 16:55 Well you married a druggie. 16:56 I was always told that I would because it was my pattern, 16:59 because it is what I knew. 17:00 The man I married never tried pot, never tried cigarettes, 17:04 never tried beer or anything like we all did in high school. 17:09 The biggest thing he tried was meat the height of his rebellion 17:13 he tried a piece of meat as a teenager and didn't like it. 17:15 So we are very, very, different and he can't understand where I 17:19 come from and what he saw me go through he doesn't understand it 17:23 he is supportive and prays with me and I think that is one of 17:25 the most huge things, is that he prays with me and for me. 17:28 I had a couple miscarriages in my first marriage, 17:33 and now I have had three more. 17:36 With the last one I had good insurance and found out that 17:39 I could not carry a baby to full term. 17:40 Never would, never will. 17:41 I got very mad at God, 17:43 my anger at God just got bigger and bigger. 17:47 It was like all these little drug addicts, 17:49 like I used to be, get have babies and I don't get to 17:53 have a baby, what's up with that God. 17:55 This isn't fair, these people that don't even want them 17:57 can have them in just pop them out like they are cookies. 18:00 Just like cookie factory and I can even carry 18:03 a baby to full term. 18:04 I could carry a baby just 16 weeks and that was it. 18:06 I was mad at God, very angry with God. 18:09 You know I just have to say for people who have to be 18:13 angry with God is that it is okay, because some of the 18:15 things are intense like not having children is intense. 18:18 Some of the things that we have to deal with in life are 18:22 tense, having cancer, dealing with mental illness, 18:26 dealing with physical illness, are intense. 18:28 So there are sometimes being angry with 18:31 God is such a needed thing. 18:34 So you are saying I was angry and did express it? 18:36 Yes and Cheri, you are right we can be angry with God 18:39 about things, but at that time I didn't know I could be 18:41 angry with God and still have a relationship with Him. 18:44 He thought He would just walk away. 18:45 I had pushed Him away. 18:47 Well I thought He had turned His back on me for one thing. 18:50 I definitely was turning my back on Him, 18:52 closing the door on Him too. 18:53 At that point in my relationship with God I didn't know 18:56 I could have an on going relationship with someone 18:59 you are angry with. 19:00 I could do that in my personal life, 19:02 I sure couldn't do it with God. 19:03 The God who is bigger than everything. 19:05 I've come to find out that you can be mad at God 19:08 and you can tell Him about it, because He knows anyway. 19:10 You can tell Him about it and go forward from there and 19:13 work it out together, and He gets us through things. 19:15 He gives us the strength to work through things 19:17 and by His power He can get us through anything. 19:20 There are so many Scriptures that back that up, 19:22 to give us strength and hope and courage 19:24 in the trials we go through. 19:25 But at that point I didn't feel it? 19:27 No, no! So you end up relapsing? 19:29 I ended up relapsing and then my husband and I started 19:32 having difficulties in our marriage because of me 19:37 starting to drink again and use again. 19:39 We started counseling with our pastor and his wife. 19:45 As we started counseling, it seemed like a good idea at 19:50 the time, and within about six months I was having 19:53 an affair with my pastor. 19:55 And that lasted about six months. 20:01 What is really tough and I don't know if you dealt with this, 20:04 but there is a lot of pastoral abuse that happens, not a lot, 20:09 but there are some that happened like that where you go into 20:12 counseling and all of a sudden those scenarios play out. 20:15 In fact a friend of mine has a Ministry for that very 20:17 scenario, for that very thing. 20:19 Because the abuse is so intense and the guilt and shame is 20:21 so intense that now the very thing that is going to bring 20:24 you healing has brought you shame. 20:26 That is awesome what you said, when you find out you are 20:31 not the only one that has ever gotten themselves into this 20:34 because I felt so alone with that. 20:36 I can't let anybody ever know that. 20:38 Well even with the, that is why I wanted to jump in, 20:41 is there are some people that go to counseling with a 20:43 secular psychologist and they end up, the psychologist 20:46 abuses that relationship and it becomes sexual. 20:50 The person that went to counseling doesn't even 20:52 know how this happened. 20:54 They are saying that you were in a relationship where 20:57 you could have, or supposed to have been protected and 21:00 somewhat just abused that. 21:02 It is a real tough one for folks to understand as abuse 21:07 because they think you said yes. 21:10 I'm responsible, I'm guilty, the guilt and responsibility 21:14 for it I carried all of it and I have carried it. 21:17 You tried to kill yourself? That lead to that! 21:20 I got on antidepressants and still not functioning well, 21:25 so I started supplementing my antidepressants with drugs and 21:29 alcohol, you know just supplement them just a little 21:31 bit, to make them work a little bit better. 21:33 More drugs and more alcohol and more antidepressants. 21:36 Pretty soon I was on five antidepressants a day and 21:40 supplementing with drugs and alcohol and it came to the 21:43 point that I could live in my own skin anymore. 21:45 I never understood how somebody could get to that point, 21:49 because I was normal, I thought for a lot of my life. 21:53 There were a lot of times when 21:55 I just begged God to be normal. 21:56 Oh if I could be just normal. 21:57 There were times when I thought I did have a normal life. 22:00 I came to a point where I could not even imagine how 22:03 people could face another day. 22:06 I knew that I could not face another day. 22:08 I woke up in a wacky ward in a lock down and 22:12 recovery started from there. 22:15 It actually started in that place. 22:17 Again I had support from family 22:18 and prayers, prayers, prayers. 22:20 I think at that time Cheri what happened was so many people 22:24 didn't know I was in trouble because I kept a job. 22:27 I was able to keep a decent job and pay bills and things 22:32 like that and my husband kept it hidden pretty well too, 22:36 even though he knew there was a serious problem there. 22:39 But now I was out in the open, 22:41 now with me being in the mental hospital. 22:45 It came out in the open and that brought more prayers. 22:50 More people start to pray for me. 22:52 More family started to pray for me and I got the support 22:55 that I, think support is so important for recovery. 22:59 We are going to take a break because 23:01 I want to come back to that, because I know that this 23:04 was completely a turning point for you. 23:07 But it's not a turning point you have so much, 23:11 you piled so much on you that it does feel like 23:14 how could you get out from underneath that. 23:17 So we are going to go ahead and take a break and 23:18 come back with that. 23:19 It is amazing to me that sometimes one decision leads 23:23 to another decision leads to another decision and pretty 23:27 soon I am overwhelmed with what I have done to my life. 23:31 With drugs, alcohol, sexual stuff, they coming into the 23:34 church for counseling and having somebody else's sexual 23:38 damage to get piled on top of me and it is 23:42 like a horrible place to be. 23:44 What amazes me about that, is for a lot of us 23:48 that is where we start recovery. 23:50 It is not an easy journey back. 23:53 What makes it easier it is God saying you must completely 23:57 trust Me right now, please don't even think you are going 24:02 to know the next step. 24:04 I will take over from this point on. 24:05 We are going to come back and talk about that. 24:07 What did that look like Gerri's life? 24:09 What is it going to look like in your life? 24:11 We'll be right back stay with us! |
Revised 2014-12-17