Participants: Cheri Peters (Host), Rhonda Burnett
Series Code: CLR
Program Code: CLR00067B
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00:15 Man, again I have to say
00:17 this is an incredible time 00:20 in the Café today. 00:21 We are talking about some things that if you get it, 00:25 if you are looking at recovery, if you are looking, 00:29 I think the miracle about who God is and what He offers 00:33 us is a changed life. 00:35 He offers us to come out of all the things that have so 00:39 lock us up even generationally and says I will actually will 00:43 walk you into who you are. 00:45 He knows who we are. 00:46 We may never in our lifetime get a glimpse of that, 00:50 especially if we stay lost in our addictions, but God says, 00:53 I know, so trust Me on this one. 00:55 In Galatians I keep referring to that because Paul talked 00:59 to them a lot, but if you look at Galatians 1:6 it says, 01:04 "I marvel that you turn away from him so easy." 01:08 I marvel at that, that you started out with this and 01:12 it was so cool and you turn away so easy. 01:14 When you go to Galatians 3:1 starts out, "oh foolish 01:20 Galatians who bewitched you", If you want me to quote exactly. 01:29 "should not obey the truth before whose eyes Jesus Christ 01:34 was clearly portrayed amongst you as crucified." 01:38 For people who have a hard time understanding that is, 01:41 who lied to you? 01:42 Who said that you could actually step away from your 01:44 relationship with God in your recovery 01:46 and take it on yourself? 01:48 It goes on to verse three, and I love this. 01:50 "Are you so foolish to think," and now this is my paraphrase. 01:54 Are you so foolish to think that you within yourself have 01:59 the ability to do your own recovery? 02:02 I mean you have been trying, you have been trying. 02:05 You have been fighting this. 02:06 You have been white knuckling it. 02:08 You have been trying to clean up your behavior. 02:10 You haven't been able to and there has to be a point 02:15 where you let go and let God. 02:17 And at that I want to introduce you to our guest, 02:21 Rhonda, you know exactly what I am saying. 02:24 I do! Did you fight this for a while? 02:29 I did, I surrendered my addiction, 02:33 but I didn't surrender myself. 02:35 So during this interview we are going to go right to there. 02:40 First of all who are you because to me that excites me, 02:46 because God doesn't start with us with no stuff. 02:50 I have stuff Cheri, my name is Rhonda and I am a 02:55 recovering alcoholic and I was 02:58 alcoholic from the first time I 03:00 drank when I was a young teenager. 03:02 Drink for five or six years and had a car wreck, hit a semi. 03:11 Yes, doing 65 miles an hour, after the doctor was releasing 03:15 me to return to work and he said at was able to go back 03:19 underground, I was a coal miner. 03:21 I said oh I can do the work, 03:22 but I can't do is drive past the bars. 03:24 So I was 20 years old and already knew I had a problem. 03:27 Not being abled to say no to alcohol. 03:29 You were saying from the time you took your first drink 03:33 you knew you were an alcoholic. 03:34 So what do you mean by that? 03:35 I felt like this is who I am, suddenly I had a personality. 03:42 I belonged with other people. 03:44 I could talk socially, I was the prettiest girl in the room. 03:50 I belonged, I had found my tribe found the people that I belonged 03:55 to because I never did before. 03:57 I never felt like it. 03:58 I was raised in a Christian home, but I miss the whole 04:02 Jesus loves me part of it. 04:03 I just didn't get it and so I kept trying to find 04:06 something external. 04:09 The first time I got drunk it was like this is it, this is 04:12 what I have been looking for. 04:13 You know all over the world they are watching, who ever is 04:17 watching this program, there are many people including myself 04:21 that knows what that feels like. 04:22 The moment you use a drug or alcohol and everything 04:25 seems to work, this is my solution. 04:28 We even had someone on the program one time that said that 04:31 he realized this was the answer to all my problems. 04:34 Now that is what you are saying, from the first time. 04:37 I love your statement that I can't even drive by a bar, 04:41 so they suggest at that point, treatment? 04:44 Well they did treatment, it was out patient treatment. 04:48 They sent me for counseling and the counsler 04:50 put me on Antabuse. 04:51 Explain what Antabuse is? 04:53 Antabuse is a drug that you take on a daily basis and if 04:58 you put alcohol on top of it and it makes you deathly ill. 05:03 Deathly ill! I'm saying you're getting sick, 05:06 you are deathly ill. 05:08 A lot of my friends have tried, and a lot of my family 05:10 members have tried Antabuse just because it really is 05:14 so violent as far as you are getting sick that you will 05:18 stay away from alcohol. 05:19 It was another thing of me wanting something externally 05:23 to control me because I felt so out of control myself. 05:27 It worked and I did really good in counseling and I 05:31 learned a lot about myself and they told me I was cured. 05:34 They took me off of Antabuse and told me I could drink 05:38 and control my drinking. 05:40 Based upon my body weight I could have 1-12 ounce beer an 05:45 hour and I remember thinking, what's the point? 05:50 I never drank to be social, I drink for the feeling it 05:53 gave me and one beer an hour was not going to give me 05:56 that feeling that I craved. 05:57 So it did not work and I spent the next nine years drunk. 06:02 In and out of bad relationships, 06:04 in an out of car wrecks, black out drinking, 06:10 just devastation in my family and my life. 06:16 When someone says to me, that I am only hurting myself. 06:22 And we don't take into account, when we are using, 06:25 the bad relationships that we can fly through having affairs 06:32 with people that are married or are sleeping around. 06:35 Have a relationships with people that we wouldn't even 06:38 invite into our lives had we not been drunk 06:41 when you met them. 06:42 Exactly! Definitely car wrecks and all that. 06:46 That is what I did. 06:48 Did you realize any of that? 06:49 I did not, I was never taken in for driving under the 06:54 influence, the state made me pay for a mile marker on 57. 07:01 Now when I drive past that I'm very conscious that I 07:04 own that, but what I see more is how close it is 07:07 to the concrete divide. 07:08 But I heard that God looks after fools and drunks. 07:12 Just a few more feet and I would have hit the concrete 07:15 divider instead of a mile marker. 07:16 So I can look back and see God's hand in my life whether 07:20 I knew it at the time or not, He did keep me safe. 07:22 Yeah, I was in and out of bed, and you are exactly right, 07:26 when I drank I would do things that I would never do sober. 07:29 So then I would try and stay sober for a while and deal 07:33 with the guilt and shame of that. 07:35 It had got to the point that the last relationship I was in 07:39 failed and he chose to stay with his wife rather than me. 07:44 So I was scared to death that I was going 07:47 to drink myself to death. 07:48 I was 28 years old and I had a 14-year-old child. 07:51 I didn't know what I was going to with the rest of my life, 07:55 so I decided I would get pregnant again and that way 07:57 I would stay sober. 07:59 Because that worked a little bit the first time? 08:01 Because a little bit the first time, I always said having 08:04 a child at such an early age probably kept me from going too 08:07 far off the deep end and I knew that I had somebody 08:10 else to be responsible, that I was responsible to. 08:14 I needed something outside of me to control me. 08:17 So I decided have another child. 08:20 Everything in me, and I know you know why I feel this way, 08:24 everything in me wants to groan because I know that children 08:27 are not enough to take us away from our addictions. 08:30 We have to turn it over to God, but at that point 08:33 you didn't know that yet. 08:35 I did not, I did not. 08:36 That was actually my first time I talked to God in years 08:41 was during that pregnancy, I think kept painting the sky 08:45 pink and blue because I was pregnant. 08:48 I thought it was all about me. 08:51 After she was born I was sober and another nine months 08:53 and my friend came home and said you know 08:55 I would like to see you. 08:56 I said, you know I am not drinking. 08:57 He said that it's okay just come and have a Coke. 08:59 I ended up on a 3- day drunk again. 09:02 Blackout drinking, using drugs doing things I would not 09:05 have done and I blew it off and said I needed that 09:10 to blow the cobwebs out. 09:11 I deserved that! 09:12 Yeah I did I have been sober for a year and a half. 09:15 I have to butt in just because I have to say that for a lot 09:19 of us, we have never learned to meet our needs in any other 09:22 way then drugs or alcohol and it does feel like somehow 09:25 I got a little mini vacation. 09:27 I can be myself again at least for three days. 09:29 Because I have not learned to do it any other way. 09:31 That is the saddest thing for me, is that you felt like 09:36 I needed that bad. 09:37 Now I am back to the grind of trying to do this straight. 09:42 Without drugs, without alcohol. Right! 09:44 Except that I was drunk less than a week later and back 09:48 into a bad relationship and did know where I was at and 09:52 woke up, who is this? 09:54 Just fell right back in, not where I left off, 09:59 it was actually worse than it was when I quit before. 10:01 How many addicts has said that before you? 10:05 They do that a lot. 10:07 I can relate every time I hear it. 10:09 You know what the Bible says, which is really interesting 10:11 because I have to go back to the word of God. 10:12 I am amazed at how in this book, God covers all that. 10:16 Because He says, it is almost like I come in through the 10:20 Holy Spirit, I will clean everything up. 10:23 I will get rid of stuff and junk and generational junk. 10:31 Even demons, I will get rid of all that. 10:33 It will be so clean, He says, then let Me fill you up. 10:36 But we don't take that step and that is what we are 10:39 talking about today. 10:40 So let Me fill you up, but then let's say these demons 10:43 come back and say I don't know where I live anymore so 10:46 I am going to go back and see how Ronda is doing. 10:48 The place is clean, empty and they bring in seven more 10:52 friends and they all jump back in. 10:53 So it is not only the addiction for us, but I am more 10:57 twisted in my thinking and I am more hopeless 11:00 in my view of life. Right! 11:02 Everything is worse, and you are saying that you 11:05 notice that in your own life? 11:06 That's exactly because before I would maintain it for months 11:10 at a time, years at a time. 11:12 And this from the time I started drinking until I hit 11:16 my bottom was less than six months. 11:20 I was just was to the point where wanted to die. 11:21 I didn't think I needed to be breathing good peoples oxygen, 11:26 and my kids would be better off with anybody. 11:28 I was a horrible person and I just needed to die. 11:31 So I set about making arrangements to do that. 11:34 A friend of mine saw that I was giving away cherished items. 11:38 A friend of mine said what are you doing? 11:40 I just told her I am not living anymore, I do not want 11:43 to see another year come in or another decade come in. 11:45 This was it! I'm done. 11:48 I have so many people that have been at the same spot. 11:52 They start giving things away and for anybody when you 11:56 see people give away stuff that they love, give away things 11:59 that mean a lot to them, start saying you've meant everything 12:03 to me in my life and I just want to let you know that. 12:05 You have got to pay attention. 12:08 Luckily your friend caught that and what did you do next? 12:12 I went and got help. 12:14 I went to a residential inpatient treatment 28 day rehab 12:18 I went down there because I was nuts and 12:21 wanted to kill myself. 12:23 When I got there they said, no honey you're not crazy, 12:27 you are an alcoholic. 12:28 I said no I am not, I was treated for alcoholism nine 12:31 years ago and they told me I was cured, 12:32 so I can't be an alcoholic. 12:35 They said trust us and I did. 12:38 I had come to the end of myself and so learning the steps 12:42 that you take there in recovery to admit you are 12:45 powerless over alcohol. 12:46 All I had to do was to tell them a little of my story 12:49 and that was pretty powerless. 12:51 I came to believe a greater power could restore me. 12:55 Restore you to sanity. 12:57 Sanity yes and I was there because I was crazy. 13:00 Right but even when there's hope that I can restore my mind. 13:05 My ability to even do this life. 13:07 So to me that is a huge hope that you can hold onto. 13:13 I knew that, I was raised in a Christian home and I 13:18 knew there was a God. 13:19 The third step was to turn my will and my life over to 13:23 the care of Him and I balked. 13:25 I said, I don't think so. 13:26 I did not let my parents run my life, and I didn't 13:29 let no man run my life, and I sure am not going to let 13:31 God run my life. 13:33 And the spiritual mentor down there, she just reached 13:35 over and patted me on the knee and said, that's right 13:37 honey you have done such a good job all by yourself. 13:41 I went, Awh, that was it, that was a light bulb. 13:44 That was an epiphany for me. 13:45 I could see right there it was like all my very best. 13:48 I tried so hard Cheri, I wanted to be a good person. 13:51 I wanted to be a good wife, I wanted to be good mother. 13:54 I wanted to be a good daughter, a good sister, 13:56 a good employee, I just wanted to be so good. 13:59 I had no power to do that. 14:01 There was nothing in you? 14:03 There was nothing in me and I went to bed that night with 14:06 the challenge to God because I hadn't been in there may be 14:09 a week and I had already picked up on a relationship with 14:12 a young man in there. 14:13 Already making plans about getting out of this 28 day rehab 14:17 starting this thing up knowing that I did not want to start 14:20 a new life out with old habits. 14:21 But I didn't know how to break it and so I went to bed that 14:25 night and said okay God. 14:27 If You are there and if You are real, I need You to take 14:30 care of this because I don't know how to say no. 14:32 The next morning just as my foot stepped out side the door, 14:36 that same women came by and grabbed my elbow and she said, 14:40 you know we noticed there's a problem between you and 14:42 this young man, so we are going to send him on the other side 14:45 of the hospital and you will be over here and 14:46 you will have no more contact. 14:48 I just went, oh my prayer was answered right then. 14:52 You know again Rhonda, what hurts me is that we tend to 14:58 especial with somebody early in recovery. 15:01 We judge all those behaviors as if they are good or bad 15:04 person not realizing that they don't even know how 15:09 to do this, don't know how to do it without relationship 15:11 addictions, don't know how to do it 15:13 without lying and manipulating. 15:14 So I love the fact that you found this woman that knew that 15:18 you need help, even in your own decision-making right now 15:22 because you are not doing it. 15:23 I can come in love and just say, right now we are going 15:26 to do it for you until you can do it on your own. 15:29 That was a gift that was given to me. 15:32 I love her and I don't even know her. 15:34 I have thought for years about going back and looking her up. 15:37 I have not done that but she was a huge central 15:41 person in my story. 15:43 So you got to that place where I am surrendering it to God? 15:47 I know I can't do it, what happened next? 15:51 I made it through and I was a real go-getter and I wanted 15:56 to graduate early. 15:58 I was going to be cured here. 16:00 So I came out of treatment and when I came home I didn't 16:05 find in the recovery meetings what had found down there. 16:10 It was different, I did my 90 meetings in 90 days and started 16:16 reading my Bible and started going back to church which 16:18 was something I couldn't do. 16:19 I felt clean, I felt cleansed and whole again, so I went 16:24 back to church and had this testimony that God met me 16:28 in a rehab and now I am good enough to come to church. 16:33 So you weren't like the Galatian where all of a sudden 16:37 you took over? Who bewitched you? 16:39 I did exactly that. 16:41 When I started I know I understand that. 16:44 I traded that relationship in for a set of rules 16:49 and a religion. 16:50 Nothing wrong with religion but what we do with it 16:53 sometimes is as destructive as our alcoholism. 16:57 We are going to do it ourselves. 16:59 Paul cautioned, with the church in Galatia, we are going to 17:04 do it ourselves, I know what to do, thanks very much. 17:06 You cleaned me up now tell me anything because I'm doing it. 17:09 So I quit doing any kind of recovery effort. 17:13 I went to church, God said to go and tell what I had done 17:17 in your life, and I said, no one is going to listen to me. 17:21 I am a single woman with two illegitimate kids and just 17:24 came out of rehab, nobody is going to listen. 17:27 I know if I get married I will be respectable. 17:30 Oh no, don't even tell me that. 17:32 I did that and you know in recovery they tell you don't 17:35 start a relationship for a year. 17:36 Some poor guy just walked by and you were thinking that. 17:38 No Honey I found the biggest drunk I could find and 17:40 said I'm going to take everything you have given me God 17:42 and pour it into his life. 17:44 I'll fix him! I'll fix him and explain alcoholism to him. 17:48 Of course his side of the story was, you know that I have 17:51 been praying that God would send a good woman and if 17:54 He did, I would quit drinking. 17:55 I said okay, so I had never been the answer to anyone's 17:58 prayer before and I thought that sounded important. 18:02 It was horrible, we just about destroyed each other. 18:06 So you both were using each other? 18:08 Yep, because I had more knowledge than he did in that 18:11 area so I was better then him and I was going to fix him. 18:15 Of course he didn't want to be controlled. 18:17 It was very, very painful. 18:19 I filed for divorce twice and I'm a Christian. 18:22 Christians don't get divorced so I was miserable. 18:25 I attempted suicide and this is sober. 18:27 Not doing alcohol or drugs and I was absolutely miserable. 18:33 I have to say Rhonda, you are going to know this. 18:36 Some people listening need to hear it, is that 18:39 when we have all our crazy behavior and have nothing 18:44 to drown it, it is hard. 18:47 If I am not going to allow God to actually walk me into 18:50 different behavior, I am going to have to do it all sober. 18:53 It is like oh man! 18:54 So you are not only do in your own crazy behavior sober, 18:58 but you brought in someone else that had crazier behavior 19:01 and both of you trying to do it in the same household. 19:06 Ouch! Painful very painful. 19:08 It lasted until he decided he wanted to drink again which 19:12 was eight years later. 19:13 During that eight years the only thing I had to hang on to 19:18 was that I was sober. 19:19 It was the only thing that I could still feel good about 19:22 was that I was not drinking and the idea of coming home 19:26 and having beer in the icebox was I knew I couldn't do it. 19:30 I knew was life and death situation and I left. 19:32 I was able to stay gone. 19:34 I probably saved both of our lives by doing that, 19:39 along with my children. 19:41 Then I started from there and then I did know who to be, 19:44 because I had gotten married right out of recovery and 19:47 didn't know who I was. 19:48 The really sad thing is I lapsed back into some of the 19:52 self-defeating behaviors because I didn't know any better. 19:56 So I wasn't drinking, we had a Christmas party at work 20:00 and I was 10 years sober. 20:01 I went to the party and every one was drinking and 20:04 I drank 27 diet Cokes, I counted them. 20:07 I was a basket case because I so wanted to drink. 20:10 I did not have anything else to replace it with. 20:17 Again I have to say, because this whole season I have been 20:22 so impressed in this part of the program on Celebrating Life in 20:26 Recovery, is to be able to say, God really does know that 20:31 we need to allow Him to come in and be willing to give Him 20:35 all of our junk, which is nothing, so that He can replace 20:39 it with some good stuff so we can learn to live. 20:43 If we do not do this, and my heart breaks when 20:46 I see somebody like you said, I'm 10 years sober 20:49 and I wanted to kill myself. 20:51 It is the most, you know, the most hurtful place to be. 20:55 I have done everything right, what is wrong? 21:01 God is gracious though and I have cried out to Him in some 21:03 of these other addictions that were resurfacing in my life. 21:06 I said, I need You to be real in my life. 21:08 I give You this broken part of me, can You explain why 21:12 it is there, can You fix it for me? 21:15 He started putting people into my life. 21:17 He started putting Bible studies into my life. 21:20 He restored that part of me and I wanted more of it. 21:26 So I went back to this joy. 21:31 I went back to understanding that He was speaking to me 21:33 in the middle of it, I went back to grace. 21:36 I went back to, oh my gosh, He's doing it again when I 21:39 give Him the bad stuff. 21:41 Because I thought if I just gave Him my alcoholism then 21:45 I will handle the rest. 21:46 So I would make a list of all these defects of mine and say, 21:49 OK God, and now I am going to try, this is how I'm going to 21:52 do this, and this is how I'm going to do that. 21:54 Please help me do this stuff. 21:57 I missed that part of giving it to Him. 22:02 I just wanted to give Him my good stuff, and these are my 22:05 strengths and what I am good at and You can use this. 22:09 I know a little bit and of course a little bit of knowledge 22:13 is dangerous and so I was in other peoples face about 22:18 what they knew. 22:19 I know this and I know that, well I didn't know anything. 22:22 But I so wanted it because I saw how real it was. 22:26 I saw when He told me to go pray for somebody to be healed, 22:31 I just said, I can't do that. 22:36 Did You do not see what I was doing last night and I 22:39 enjoyed it and I can't do that and you can't use me God. 22:42 You cannot use me because I have this sin in my life. 22:47 It just kept on and kept on until I surrendered. 22:50 He was saying walk with this person, help this person. 22:53 So He keeps trying to teach you to reach out side yourself. 22:57 That is when I understood and He just said will you say 23:00 I can't use you because you are blonde haired blue-eyed, 23:03 what would you look like bald and blind? 23:05 Anything that gets in the way of Me using you I can remove. 23:08 I said, okay then You can have it. 23:10 I didn't know how far He was going to take it. 23:13 I threw myself into my Bible and I threw myself into 23:18 having a personal relationship with Jesus. 23:20 When I realize that He stayed on the cross until I got it. 23:26 Until I understood He was up there, not just for me to 23:30 confess my sins and from this moment forward go on, 23:34 but He would stay there until I knew that everything I ever 23:37 did was covered by that? 23:39 So when He did that, then I was able to walk in some freedom. 23:42 Enought freedom that somebody reached out to me and said, 23:46 I am having a problem with alcohol can you help me? 23:50 I said, yeah I will take you to a meeting. 23:52 I love what you said, during the break, is that He stayed 23:55 up there on the cross until you got it and then was 23:59 allowed, you then saw He was resurrected. 24:03 He was now a resurrected Lord in your life and 24:05 He can resurrect you. 24:07 Right! I think that's awesome! 24:10 Jesus will walk alongside of us for a thousand years, 24:14 if it takes us a thousand years. 24:15 I am hoping that, I wish that we got it in the instant. 24:19 That is what a lot of people don't get about recovery, 24:22 is if I got it in an instant I could give all that behavior 24:25 to Him and surrender that and healing would come in my life, 24:28 it is just that most of us don't. 24:29 We hold on to things, we try to do it ourself, 24:31 we give it to Him and take it back 24:33 and that is why most recovery programs are so 24:36 good is because we don't get it. 24:39 Not that God isn't trying, because God says I want to 24:41 heal you in a second, I want to heal you right now and you 24:45 will never have to deal with any of that stuff again. 24:48 I'm going to open it up to the café because we have a 24:51 number of people in recovery. 24:53 And Heppy you have been in recovery for a long time. 24:55 I would like to just gave your take on what 25:00 we have been talking about. 25:02 Listening to the conversation that was going on it reminds 25:06 me of that eerie feeling that I had when I went through 25:10 treatment, and the difficulty I had to deal with, 25:15 with letting go and letting God. 25:17 It is a huge step. 25:18 And it is a hard step, because a lot of those things we 25:22 want to keep within ourselves. 25:25 Even though we graduate from treatment, we won't realize 25:29 how to do that for maybe five or six or seven years later, 25:32 if you are working the program you will be able to do that. 25:36 But if you don't work the program, 25:37 you're back in the trenches again. 25:41 So my question for Rhonda is that, 25:45 how were you able to let go and then, 25:49 how did you realize that you weren't the master of yourself? 25:52 That God was in control of you? 25:55 It took a long time, I didn't work the program really well. 26:01 It has only been in the past year that I have been 26:03 back in the program that I was 26:05 able to do that. 26:06 It's centered on doing that 6 & 7th step. 26:09 It centered on not wanting to bring God my 26:12 strengths about how long I had been sober, 26:15 but to bring Him my brokenness of all the things 26:18 I could not fix. 26:19 So going back through the steps and realizing that, that was 26:23 what I was supposed to do, it was not about all the things 26:27 that I was supposed to fix, 26:28 but actually ask Him to remove them from me. 26:31 I love what you said, Rhonda, because one of the things 26:34 you are saying is that I want to bring Him everything 26:36 that I have done well because He's going to want that more 26:41 then He will want the fact that I am socially underdeveloped. 26:45 Ot that I'm scared all the time or whatever. 26:47 So now you are saying is that you finally said, 26:49 I am going to give You everything, that is hard for us! 26:54 Everything, was it hard for you? 26:56 Yes it was, it was very hard. 26:58 Even today, almost 30 years later, it is still difficult to 27:04 do that on a daily basis. 27:07 I'm going to give it to You today again. 27:09 Because when I started, I said I will make it this afternoon, 27:13 but tonight I will not worry about it, I'm not there yet. 27:17 So I was taking it one step at a time. 27:22 I lost track of time, I still worked the program, 27:27 but time heals in the long run. 27:33 When somebody says one day at a time, one minute at a time, 27:36 it really is turning it over every single moment, 27:41 at every single point. 27:42 We have another question and I know Amber that you wanted 27:45 to ask something of Rhonda. 27:47 So how do you feel now when you have God in your life? 27:52 Like in the past, compared to the past? 27:55 This has been the best year of my life. 27:58 I finally understand what it is that once I allowed God 28:02 every part of my life, and gave Him access to all of me, 28:06 then it became much more real and 28:09 it just gets better and better. 28:11 I would like even say something Amber to that. 28:14 It was amazing to me that I started to actually hear God. 28:19 I would be outside and see a sunset, 28:22 and I would hear not a voice so much, but God saying, 28:26 I want to show you how beautiful this is. 28:28 I would look up and there would be this incredible sunset, 28:31 and I would think was that You? 28:33 Were You just talking to me? 28:35 It would surprise me that God actually became more intimate 28:39 and more relational, it was amazing. 28:41 I want to come up and say Rhonda that in, let's go back to 28:48 this particular step because you still right here. 28:51 I have just finished up my seventh and eighth step. 28:58 What got you to look at, hey I didn't do these? 29:01 I never did this work? 29:03 That is exactly what happened and I said God set the 29:06 circumstances in motion because I had found my big book. 29:09 I hadn't seen it in 17 or 18 years. 29:12 I had a friend that was dealing with somebody who was an 29:15 alcoholic and I tried to give it to her, 29:17 go fix your self and go fix him. 29:19 A friend of mine said I had a problem so I went back to 29:24 meetings with her and I took everything. 29:26 She said well how do you work the steps? 29:28 I said I don't really know was so long ago, I forgot. 29:31 I just know that I have been sober all these years. 29:33 So when trying to help her then I found someone who would 29:37 go through the steps with me. 29:39 It was like okay, I did this, and I did this, 29:41 and I did this, so I redid that fourth and fifth step 29:45 which was to make a list of all my defects and admitted 29:48 them to God and another human being. 29:50 I did all that and there wasn't nearly as much to do after 29:55 15 years previous when I first started it, 29:58 but then it got to that six step and seventh step. 30:00 It was like, I don't want to let go. 30:04 I don't know how to let go, God I thought I gave You 30:07 all this anyway, what do you mean I have to go through this? 30:10 But I didn't have that happy, joyous, free attitude. 30:14 I was still trying to follow every rule and every letter 30:17 instead of saying okay God this is the point where I let 30:21 You do this part for me because I'm an achiever and 30:24 I wanted to do it right. 30:26 The idea that I had to let go of that, so I had read in 30:30 the book a long time ago a way to give things to God. 30:34 So I went down to a local state park and I took a helium 30:38 balloon and I wrote all of this stuff that I couldn't fix. 30:42 I had spent years and years trying to fix. 30:46 Even though I know that God wants this intellectually, 30:50 emotionally I couldn't do it so I took a really heavy rock 30:53 and held it in one hand and held 30:55 the helium balloon in the other hand. 30:56 When I could not hold my hand in the air any longer, then to 31:00 turn loose of that weight I had to turn loose of the balloon. 31:03 When I did, I got to watch that balloon go up in the air. 31:06 I was fairly certain it was going to hit the pine needles 31:09 and come back down, or it would get so far and a bird 31:12 would hit it, I did not think that God wanted those things 31:15 I was trying to give Him. 31:16 I thought I would be the one person that He would say, 31:18 no, you need to work on this a little harder, 31:23 I can't take that. 31:24 You know Cheri, I got to see that balloon go completely 31:27 out of sight. 31:28 I want to cry when you say that because that is where God 31:33 says let Me have it all.ú 31:34 It is too much weight for you. 31:36 Then the freedom, I get to walk in that because now when I 31:41 get help somebody else in the program now, 31:43 I know exactly when speaking to them, that I am not speaking 31:47 down to them, I'm speaking as someone who has been broken 31:51 to somebody whot had all of these things I could not fix. 31:54 But I could say God, please take these from me. 31:57 Show me the person You would have me be. 31:59 Show me the woman You want me to be. 32:01 That is what He is doing in my life. 32:03 Isn't that the most incredible thing? 32:05 Isn't that cool? 32:06 I love the fact that He gave you such a strong visual. 32:09 You really are releasing that all to Me. 32:13 I am not going to have you be an expert in dealing with 32:19 with your anger, I am not going to have you go back and get your 32:21 Ph.D. in addiction, counseling so that you can get over that. 32:24 Some people do just because that is their journey in life. 32:29 God says to heal and get past this one thing, you have to 32:34 know that I am God and give Me everything. 32:37 You can't go and get that balloon back. 32:40 I can't and so one of the things I did was I wrote it down 32:43 on a card too and I sealed it. 32:45 The outside of the card says, given to God on this date. 32:49 So whenever I am struggling with, oh I should be this, 32:52 but why should be that, I say wait, wait, wait. 32:55 That was on the balloon, I gave that to God. 32:57 I don't have to struggle with that. 32:58 That is He is problem now and I can walk in ways that He 33:02 has already shown me and know that He will show me 33:04 the next step, and the next step. 33:06 That's all I needed to know, is show me the next step. 33:10 I do not have to see the whole path. 33:11 And at that point, let me just ask you, because you talk 33:15 about the program and that you are now better to help 33:19 someone in the program, but you're better helping 33:22 somebody at the bank. 33:23 You are better at helping somebody in your church, 33:25 better at helping somebody in your family. 33:27 You know, this is not about any one place, when God gets us 33:30 to the point where I am going to surrender to Him and allow 33:34 Him to take all this, pour into me what I need in order to 33:38 be who You want me to be. 33:40 It is not about any program at that point. 33:42 You are free, and the Bible says you are free in Christ 33:45 and you are free indeed at that point. 33:47 I love the fact that you are saying that now I am doing 33:52 this whole thing in a different way. 33:55 I am trusting God this time. 33:57 So tell me what happens to, and I know the answer to this, 34:04 but some people won't. 34:05 Joy, gratitude, those kinds of things that happen at this 34:08 point in a way that is so real. 34:10 Have you experienced that and give us some examples of that? 34:14 I have and it is funny that you mentioned that at the bank. 34:19 You know I was in a gas station and things were not going 34:23 the way I wanted them to go and I already told 34:27 this person who I was. 34:28 So when I turned around and walked out, it was like I don't 34:31 want them to get a bad opinion so I went 34:33 and got the money out of my car and came back in and 34:34 apologize to them automatically because I am so aware now 34:39 that what I have is only good if I live it out and let 34:43 Him shine through me. 34:44 So say that again. 34:46 What I have is only good if I let Him shine through me. 34:49 If I live it out! 34:50 If I live it out and live it out loud. 34:52 So it is not just about having the right words to say? 34:55 You are not knowing now just where to recite? 34:58 You're saying that every day I am going to live this out. 35:01 If I offend you I'm going to come back and clear it up. 35:05 We think that is a 12 step concept, but God says if you 35:08 bring something to the altar and you realize that you 35:11 offended someone, leave it there, go take care of it, 35:14 and then come back. 35:15 God says I'm going to teach you every part of being nice. 35:21 Of being kind, of being a part of the body of Christ, 35:26 or each others so you start taking care of each other. 35:31 Every part of it. 35:32 How cool is that? 35:34 It's for freedom and we've been set free and that's what I get 35:37 to walk in, I don't have to carry the guilt and the shame. 35:40 I don't have to carry my character defects because 35:42 I have given them to God. 35:43 So I can just relax and be who He created me to be without 35:48 being bogged down with all that other stuff. 35:51 If you have stole, go back and repay it. 35:54 God just tells us, and do you know what He told me? 35:57 On another program it cracked me up, and tell me if this 36:00 isn't part of your recovery? 36:02 I'm horrible at cleaning house and He told me to go wash 36:06 your dishes, I'm like stop, why doesn't anybody else 36:10 have to do the dishes? 36:11 But it is simple things, saying I'm going to tell you some 36:14 simple things, go back into the gas station and 36:17 tell them you are sorry. 36:19 It is simple things, but it means everything in recovery. 36:23 I had confessed that same thing, I had to confess that 36:26 same thing because I'm living in chaos, three days later 36:29 I'm on a Christian site that leads me to another 36:31 and chaos is the acronym for can't have anyone over syndrome. 36:35 And that's exactly what I was. 36:37 FlyLady.com! FlyLady.com. 36:39 It was so cool God, I had just confessed. 36:42 I had to confess that I cannot do this and then He puts 36:47 the answer right there in front of me. 36:48 So go shine your sink, it's like I can do this. 36:50 That is exactly right. 36:51 When I admit that I cannot do something, then that it is 36:55 when He is able to step in and do it and show me 36:58 the way to do it. 37:00 That is so cool, I just have to say I love you. 37:03 Thank you for being on the program. 37:04 Thank you for sharing this part of your recovery with us. 37:08 I just want to pray, can we before we break I want to 37:13 pray for you? 37:14 Just that this step will be something you stay with, 37:17 is that alright? 37:18 Dear Father in Jesus name I just pray for Rhonda and I 37:21 pray for anybody listening that is having difficulty with 37:23 this particular step. 37:25 I pray that you wow us with Your love and that You show us 37:28 how incredible You are, how much You love us, how much You 37:32 want to live in us and direct us with every step. 37:35 How You have never been ashamed of us. 37:38 That you have never been disgusted with our behavior, 37:40 it may have caused You some sadness because it hurt us 37:44 so much, but Your only delight is in helping us to get to 37:47 a place where we can turn it over to You. 37:49 So I am praying help us to get to that place and stay 37:52 in that place and fill us with joy and laughter and love. 37:55 Connect us with each other and I just want to say 37:58 thanks, man thank you, thank you, thank you. 38:01 I pray each of us listening to this program and each of us 38:04 here at the Café give us the visual image of the balloon 38:08 and let us give all things to you that we can watch them 38:11 rise up to heaven and never walk with them again on our own. 38:14 In Jesus name, Amen! 38:16 We will be right back. 38:18 I had just been blessed by this program and 38:21 hope you have too! 38:22 Stay with us! |
Revised 2014-12-17