Participants: Cheri Peters (Host), Aaron, Gwen and Vonzell Chancy
Series Code: CLR
Program Code: CLR00075A
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00:10 Welcome to Celebrating Life In Recovery, I'm Cheri.
00:13 You know what recovery is a whole family affair. 00:16 What one person changes, everyone changes. 00:18 Come join us and hear this incredible story. 00:48 Welcome, we are talking about families in recovery. 00:50 I wish we were talking about mine, I love my family 00:53 but we are still in the midst of all that stuff. 00:55 But today I'm going to introduce you to a family that has 00:59 really fought to bring people back to a place where they 01:03 know who they are, and they are back in the family and not 01:07 acting out, not strung out, and all that stuff. 01:09 I was just going to say that the first, Gwen, time we met, 01:13 I walked in to your office and I saw such love and joy 01:17 that you just came up and gave me this huge hug. 01:19 I didn't realize it was because you really relate to what 01:24 we talk about on this program. 01:25 It was just amazing to even see you, I was just amazed. 01:31 Oh Cheri Peters! - and I really saw that in you. 01:35 Welcome to the program Vonzell and Gwen. 01:38 - It is a pleasure. 01:40 Tell us a little bit about where you're from and we are 01:43 going to just start talking about your journey into this 01:46 whole recovery mess, because it is not something that was 01:49 in your family for generations, like my family. 01:52 - that is correct, and again I would like to say thank 01:56 you for the opportunity to be here and share. 01:59 God has been good with our family, He's been a blessing. 02:04 Gwen an I are both from Philadelphia, Pennsylvania, 02:09 that is where we were born and grew up. 02:11 We met each other in church. - how old were you guys? 02:15 Oh, I was in high school at the time, just about ready 02:19 to go to college and after about a year of knowing each 02:26 other... - wait a minute I want to know about this 02:28 because guys skip over all the romantic stuff. 02:31 So he is in high school and you were? 02:35 I was in high school too, he was a year ahead of me. 02:40 He was my cousin's best friend and so he would always 02:44 come over to the house, kind of a goofy guy. 02:50 I thought he was kind of a goofy guy but a nice guy. 02:55 He was my cousin's best friend and was very easy to talk 02:59 to and we were just all hanging out, friends, 03:02 that's what we were. 03:04 It's amazing how God brought this thing around that we 03:08 would end up being husband-and-wife. 03:12 - so you didn't, even when you first met, you didn't 03:15 just immediately gravitate to each other? 03:18 - uh-oh know. - so you went off to? 03:19 I went off to school in North Carolina and Gwen went to 03:24 school in Pennsylvania, a school in Pennsylvania. 03:28 What is interesting is how she even came into the life 03:34 of her cousin, because I grew up as an Adventist. 03:37 My family was Adventist whereas Gwen's family was not. 03:44 There was some roughness in her family background. 03:47 - did you have addicts in your family? 03:48 Yes I had a father who was an alcoholic, he's deceased. 03:54 - so you know what it feels like to be raised in that 03:56 environment? - yes, yes I do. 03:58 - it can be pretty crazy. - yeah it was very crazy. 04:04 - so that is what brought us to know each other because 04:07 she left that environment and went to her cousins, 04:11 or her aunts house where her cousin was who I knew. 04:16 As a result that is where we begin to know each other. 04:21 It was some years later that we got together and began to, 04:24 actually I finished college, we both finished college. 04:28 Then that is when we came back together and I was actually 04:32 looking for a mate, I was looking for someone. 04:35 The Lord had mentioned Gwen and so that is how it began. 04:40 - you know it even cracks me up here, from a Christian 04:45 perspective, when you look for a life partner it is 04:49 actually something you think about and plan. 04:51 For somebody like druggy we just stumble into them at the 04:54 grocery store, you know I mean? 04:55 We don't even check out their backgrounds, we don't care 04:58 about any of that, but a normal person literally cares 05:00 about all that stuff. 05:02 So in your mind you're thinking I'm looking for a mate, 05:05 a life partner, I would like them to be this and I am so 05:09 far removed from that, it just cracks me up. 05:11 That is what happened, I was actually looking and I think 05:14 by that time Gwen was sort of looking, I think. 05:18 - I was saying Lord when it is Your time for me, 05:22 then I surrender to that. 05:25 - didn't think was can be the goofy guy though? 05:28 - no, I did that was going to be the goofy guy. 05:36 She has mentioned that before so I know that. 05:41 I married a Boy Scout so I understand that. 05:44 When did you know it was him? 05:48 When did you know it was her? 05:51 I was tired, I was ready for marriage and the Lord just 05:57 said Gwen, and at the time I was living in Philadelphia, 06:04 I'd moved back to Philadelphia after college. 06:06 I was working in Philadelphia, she was teaching in 06:11 Virginia, Norfolk Virginia and the Lord said go visit 06:16 with her and start writing. 06:18 So that is what happened and we went from one point to 06:21 another. - and he wrote me a letter. 06:24 Well he came to visit, he showed up on my doorstep. 06:28 I didn't, I had no idea that he was going to be there. 06:31 He said he wrote me a letter but somehow or another 06:34 I didn't get it and he showed up on my doorstep. 06:37 I said, what are you doing here? 06:42 He said well you know I thought I had said to you, 06:47 would you mind if I came to see you one time? 06:50 I said okay, I did say that, so there he was. 06:54 Then he visited with me and he left. 06:58 Then one day he wrote me a letter and when I was reading 07:03 that letter, I could feel the Holy Spirit just changing 07:08 my heart about him, I mean because it wasn't anything to 07:13 do with anything in the romantic type way. 07:17 He was just Vonzell, my cousin's best friend. 07:20 Right, he's a friend, the goofy guy. 07:26 So anyhow the Lord just filled my heart changing toward 07:32 him, and I thought this is a really nice guy. 07:35 So anyhow it went on from there. 07:37 So what again is amazing to me, is that I think God 07:40 really wants to choose the people we spend the rest of 07:44 our lives with and it sounds with you guys that when you 07:47 are ready God was saying, I really do want you to open 07:50 your eyes and see each other. 07:52 So you guys fell in love, were married, started having 07:57 children, hopes for children about five years later. 08:06 But even before we started having children, we were reading 08:08 about were God wanted us to be. 08:11 We wanted to get out the city, we were both living in 08:14 Philadelphia and we started reading Adventist home and 08:18 some of the other books. 08:20 Child guidance, and we felt the Lord wanted us to move 08:24 into a rural setting. 08:27 So we started planning that, planning that we were going 08:30 to move to a rural setting. 08:31 We eventually went to North Carolina, my parents had some 08:35 property there so we moved there. 08:39 We developed the area and remove there. 08:42 The idea was that we were going to start our family there. 08:48 We ran into a little financial difficulty at that time. 08:54 That is really what led things in a different direction. 09:01 When we built a house there, in North Carolina, we didn't 09:06 take out a mortgage, we just, as we got money would put 09:12 into the house and build and build. 09:13 It took long time, we were using every available source 09:17 of income we had, credit cards, I mean we were maxing 09:21 everything out, and by the time we got to the point where 09:25 we could at least move into the house, it was not finished 09:30 or anything, we were broke. 09:32 We were just in bad shape, I'm skipping a few things, 09:38 some particulars, but at some point we decided that we 09:44 would in order to provide for health insurance and some funds. 09:51 Gwen at that time wanted to go to change careers. 09:54 She wanted nursing, she was already in education. 09:58 I wanted to change careers, because I was in social 10:02 work and I wanted to go into aviation. 10:05 So we decided, look let's do this thing all over again. 10:08 We had one son at the time, and so we decide 10:12 to go to Andrews University. 10:14 We went there and that was what our second son 10:16 was born, Aaron was born. 10:18 There was a bit of a glitch in the marriage from the start 10:27 that really made things rough for us. 10:31 - in what way? - in the sense even though we have been 10:35 reading all the Spirit of Prophecy and Bible about what 10:43 a home should be, Gwen's idea, she was looking a career. 10:51 It went from what God's ideal of a marriage, of a family should 10:59 be, in other words the male be the patriarch. 11:01 She wanted to take over with that role. 11:05 But what was really tough and my heart goes out to you, is when 11:08 you are in dysfunction, like I'm very dysfunctional home, 11:11 the men in my family were drunk and high so women tended 11:15 to take those roles. 11:16 So it's really tough coming from dysfunctional, 11:19 like you're alcoholic father. 11:20 Trusting and giving that over to the men in your life, 11:25 it is huge, it's huge. 11:28 To be able to say that deep rooted distrust of people really 11:34 taking care of you is there, so I can see that. 11:37 - you hit yet, exactly. 11:40 - what is really interesting is that I just want to 11:43 hug you and say that takes so long to give up because 11:47 most the people in your life have not been faithful, 11:50 have not taken care of your heart, have not even taken 11:52 care of your home. 11:54 So to turn it over to anybody. - you don't know how, 11:59 when you are faced with someone who is that way, 12:03 wanting to do the best for you, you do not know how to 12:07 treat them a lot of times. 12:10 You just don't know how to treat them, which was my 12:12 situation, and I did know how to react to this. 12:14 Some one that was faithful, stick to it, nice and all 12:21 those things. - what does all than mean? 12:24 One of the things that put things at a wedge for our 12:30 children was because Gwen wanted to have a career and 12:36 the type of security she saw, she would say I'll deal 12:42 with the kids at a later age. 12:46 She could deal with them when they were very young. 12:49 She said when they become teenagers, well by that time 12:53 the tree has already grown and you can't bend it at that 12:57 time, so that became a real push and pull for us. 13:03 - So what I would like to say, as far as families in recovery, 13:08 is that it never is just about the one person acting out, 13:13 it usually is about historically what happened in the parents, 13:18 and their parents, and their parents. 13:20 All of a sudden, even though you have two parents that 13:23 are thinking the same goal, in their head they think 13:26 the same goal, they are really on different pages, 13:28 being motivated by fears and insecurities, 13:32 that are generations old. 13:33 I look at some addicts sometimes, and you start to meet 13:37 the family and think this person couldn't have been any 13:41 different with all the stuff that was going on. 13:44 Not putting any blame anywhere, because there really is no 13:48 blame anywhere, I think that is why God said don't judge 13:52 just heal. - right, right! 13:56 So we work through those things time, and time, and time, 13:59 and time and time again. 14:01 But when we went to the military, I went to the military 14:09 because like I said I wanted to change careers, well the 14:14 time for going into the military because we just needed 14:18 some funds, we needed income to be able to take care the 14:22 family and I said Gwen I'll go into the military and you 14:27 can work on your education, provide funds for the family 14:32 and so that's what we did. 14:35 I went into the military and that opened up a whole 14:42 different realm for the kids and for us. 14:45 We did move a lot and it was some insecurity 14:48 there for the family. 14:51 We have two sons, one Adam our older son. 14:54 I think for him it was more of a novelty, he loved the 15:01 military, that structure, he liked that, in fact it was 15:07 his goal to go into the military as a result. 15:10 Now mind you we are both in the military but we are in 15:14 different branches, she's an officer and I'm enlisted. 15:21 The structure there was that by her being an officer, 15:25 she had a set of rules for her was different than it was 15:29 for me as an enlisted. 15:31 They expect officers to be able to command and take 15:38 charge and for the enlisted it was a little bit more 15:43 leeway, lenient and so I took care the kids primarily. 15:48 That is where a lot of the nurturing of the kids came. 15:52 So we have set up kind of a foundation, this is the 15:56 foundation of the family started with. 15:59 I want to go ahead and take a break. 16:01 I want to bring your son in and get his take on what 16:06 was going on and then at the close of the program we will 16:10 bring everybody back on. 16:12 I hear what you're saying that you have all this stuff 16:16 going on, two sons in there, and now things tended, 16:21 at this point, to fall apart. 16:23 So we are going to talk with Aaron about what that felt 16:26 like from his point of view. 16:27 It is really interesting to me that everybody has point 16:32 of view and one child will respond different than another, 16:37 totally so we will be right back. 16:39 Stay with us, I'm going to introduce you to Aaron and 16:41 I have to tell you about this guy. 16:43 When I first met him, I heard his story and just loved 16:47 him, I loved him, I just love what he's doing in his life. 16:50 I loved his recovery, in fact when he told me some of the 16:54 stuff I said can I meet your parents? 16:56 I met his parents after I met him just because his story 16:59 was so amazing, so we will be right back. 17:01 Stay with us and I'll introduce you to Aaron and 17:05 it will be fun. |
Revised 2014-12-17