Participants: Cheri Peters (Host), Jason & Rachael Bickal
Series Code: CLR
Program Code: CLR00079A
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00:10 Welcome to Celebrating Life In Recovery
00:12 I'm Cheri, today we're going to talk about 00:14 freedom, God wants us completely free and laughing out 00:18 loud, loving our own skin. 00:20 Come into the café and join us. 00:49 Welcome back, we have some friends of mine that 00:52 I would like you to meet. 00:53 When I first met Rachael and Jason they were standing 00:56 in my living room talking about meeting God, 01:00 the things they were learning about themselves, 01:03 and how they were healing. 01:04 I just thought, I have to have you tell everyone that 01:07 because I was so blessed. 01:09 I want to say thank you for coming on, because I knew 01:12 the first moment that I met you, the first time you said 01:15 today I am finally free, I knew that I wanted you to 01:18 share that with all of us. 01:19 So thank you for coming on the program. 01:21 I want to start with Rachael, you are fairly new to this 01:29 whole thing, not new to your recovery. 01:31 So talk about your background and where you have come 01:34 from, then we'll get into the good stuff about 01:36 what you are learning now. 01:41 My childhood was a mess. 01:45 My mother was a workaholic and my first step dad was 01:51 sexually abusive as well as physically. 01:54 - where is your dad? - oh somewhere. 01:57 - so you just didn't know him? - no not really. 02:01 He tried to pop up in my life every now and then, 02:04 but it was after I got clean and sober, and after the 02:07 hardships and that was one of those things where 02:10 I decided misery is optional. 02:13 I decided not to be in that mystery anymore so 02:16 I cut all ties with him. 02:17 But my first step dad was like I said, 02:22 abusive in all the above ways. 02:27 - was your mom not there? 02:30 To me I can see that whole thing where mom is working 02:33 hard, trying to do the right thing but not there, 02:36 and this abusive guy steps into your life that is 02:39 not even your dad. 02:40 Yeah, well it set the tone for how men were supposed 02:44 to be, it set the tone for my future pretty much on how 02:48 my body was, my body was never mine. 02:50 It was a tool, and that's how I grew up in my life. 02:55 And I used it until the day I got healed, 02:59 I used my body like that. 03:03 I was a big self mutilator growing up, 03:05 to deal with that pain. 03:07 For somebody that doesn't know what self mutilating is 03:08 please explain it to them. 03:10 Oh, I cut myself, any time I had to deal with any kind 03:14 of emotional pain I would start slitting my wrists, 03:19 I would slit my legs. 03:20 - not to die? - no, just so, because the physical pain 03:26 was so much easier than the emotional pain. 03:30 I can't deal with emotional pain and that is 03:33 why became a drug addict. 03:34 - you had control over the physical pain? 03:36 Yes very much so, it was by my own doing and my own hand. 03:42 I tried to kill myself numerous times. 03:44 The last time somebody told me, Joe told me that I'm on 03:50 God's time now, so it's like I needed to do it right. 03:53 - Joe is one of my pastors. 03:55 And awesome man, and awesome man saved my life. 03:58 - he really is. 03:59 He just, I'm sorry, I'm so sorry. 04:09 I got out of a mental hospital and I was doing IV drugs, 04:16 meth was my favorite, and I tried to commit suicide. 04:22 I took three bottles of prescription pills. 04:27 - how old were you? - I was 18. 04:29 The first time I've tried to commit suicide I was 15. 04:34 The last time I did, I took those three bottles of pills 04:38 and when I woke about was so angry, I was so angry 04:44 because I did not want to live anymore. 04:45 - It's like I can't even do this right? 04:47 It was just one more time and I couldn't do it. 04:50 I was in an abusive relationship and I had started doing 04:57 drugs when I was 12. 04:58 It was amazing and awesome and it was a little bit better 05:02 than cutting myself because that I didn't have 05:05 to feel anything at all. 05:07 When I tell people things I felt with doing drugs 05:09 and alcohol, I didn't have to feel and that 05:11 was the best part. 05:13 With a lot of people, and a lot of people that haven't gone 05:15 in that direction or haven't had that much pain. 05:18 I don't think they have a clue why some of us choose 05:20 drugs and alcohol, I don't want to feel, 05:23 I don't want to kill myself and that is the only choice 05:25 I have when I'm not high. 05:29 Yeah, there so much pain, I mean, I don't know, 05:34 I'm so sorry, there was so much pain my life. 05:39 My mom was never around. 05:41 There was about a year and a half when she divorced 05:45 my stepdad, my first step dad, that she decided to come 05:50 around and she was home more. 05:54 It was just, the damage had already been done. 05:58 - that I think is interesting, that now you want to 06:02 be a mom? I hate you, I don't want you in my life. 06:05 I'm not listening and I'm not doing any of that stuff. 06:09 So it sounds like you jumped into that pretty early. 06:12 So did you finish school, did you do any of that stuff? 06:15 Oh yes sorry, I was jumping around. - that's all right! 06:20 I tried to go to school, I went to school in a very small 06:24 town because after my mom remarried she moved us out into 06:27 the middle of nowhere. 06:29 The closest neighbor was a mile away, so I was even more 06:32 secluded because by the time I would wake up, 06:36 she was already gone to work. 06:38 By the time I went to bed she would be just coming home. 06:41 So it was just, it was just a nightmare growing up. 06:46 Being bipolar didn't help. 06:48 She was, or you was bipolar? 06:51 I was bipolar, I am bipolar. 06:53 So diagnosed with bipolar - at what age? - at 14. 06:58 You know my favorite aunt was bipolar, and I have to say 07:01 I think there is a special place in heaven. 07:04 Because that is a hard one, hormonally all over the board 07:08 and with all this junk on top of that, I am feeling crazy 07:11 and I don't know how to control it and there is no one 07:14 around that is consistent, and the drugs help some. 07:18 I was self-medicating, I'm going to try and 07:22 do anything to be normal. 07:23 But when I went to school in this very small town, 07:28 everybody was related, and they were in their own type 07:32 of religion there and I had short hair and I wasn't part 07:37 of their religion so I was a gay devil worshiper in their 07:42 eyes, and it was relentless. 07:44 Every day, I couldn't get a break anywhere. 07:47 So then my mom decided it was going to best for me to 07:49 move me to the big city school it was awesome, I will tell you. 07:55 Is that were all the drugs opened up? 07:59 That is when the drugs opened up, drinking started at home 08:02 because my mom was never home and there was alcohol in 08:05 the cabinets, so I would help myself to whatever. 08:08 Nobody ever noticed, but the drugs started when I went 08:12 to the big city schools. 08:20 I dropped out in the ninth grade because it got in the 08:22 way of my using, because I wanted to use all day, 08:25 every day and when someone is telling you, 08:28 you have to be in a structured environment and 08:30 you can't use between this and this time, 08:32 I was like no, no I'm not having that. 08:34 So I dropped out and I thought I had it all. 08:38 I didn't want to live with my mom anymore because I had 08:42 already been raising myself, so I told my mom, 08:44 I'll see you later and I moved to Georgia. 08:46 I lived my aunt there for a month and then I ran away. 08:48 That is when the fun stuff started happening. 08:51 - because running away on the streets and I know the 08:54 options on the streets for survival, 08:56 so what did you jump into there? 08:58 Prostitution. - that is still is even hard to say? 09:01 It is. - and I want to hold you because I know it is 09:05 hard to say and it still brings you pain. 09:07 But you do know that you are forgiven? 09:09 Oh yes! - okay, good! 09:11 So you jumped into all that, and what is really tough 09:14 about that again is even with someone who talks about 09:18 the drugs, and all that stuff, is that because it is 09:22 something you can finally control, then it is not 09:25 somebody acting out on you, now I have control of this. 09:28 There is a sense of power in that. 09:30 Oh, very much so, very much so. 09:33 When going back through my healing, I found out that 09:37 I had felt unwanted and unloved my whole life. 09:40 In doing my prostituting, you were paying me because 09:47 you want me, finally somebody wants me. 09:50 I have your complete 100%, undivided attention. 09:52 It was the same way as I felt when being physically 09:56 abused, I have your full attention, I am all you are 10:00 thinking about for right now. 10:01 - that works for a while. 10:03 That was love to me and it worked for a while. 10:06 - I want to scream when I hear that, because I know 10:10 there is thousands of folks that that is love for them. 10:13 Men and women that are out there prostituting, 10:16 and sometimes I see them and it just want to stop and say, 10:19 I am sorry, I don't know what happened but I'm sorry. 10:24 How long were you stuck into that world? 10:27 A year, a year and then I went bouncing around from 10:31 house to house, I would sleep on the streets or where 10:35 ever I could find a place to stay. 10:37 You know I don't know what it was, I guess it was the 10:42 Holy Spirit, telling me this isn't for you. 10:47 So I called my mommy up and told her I can't do this 10:51 anymore, so I had to hide out for a little bit until 10:54 the plane got there, and I took off. 10:57 Did you actually, when you said the Holy Spirit said to 11:00 you, or you felt like the Holy Spirit was directing that, 11:02 what was that like? 11:05 Because most people will say, really you are out 11:07 there doing all this stuff, and you think 11:09 God is speaking to you? 11:10 So what was that like for you, that you sensed that 11:14 this was something different, this was probably 11:17 God speaking to you? 11:22 It was said with love, because I heard voices in my head 11:27 a lot and it was said with love. 11:31 - it just broke through all those voices? 11:33 - yeah, and I had never felt anything like that before, 11:37 and I knew I couldn't do it anymore. 11:40 I knew I would be dead within a year if I kept living 11:43 that way, I was a full-blown alcoholic. 11:45 I would wake up with the shakes, and I would have to 11:50 drink, there was no way around it and being 16 something 11:53 clicked and the Holy Spirit was like, this isn't for you. 11:57 You need to get to a safe place. 12:01 I moved, I moved back to Idaho with my mom and I had it 12:05 in my mindset, this is it, this is it. 12:07 I'm going to get my life together, I got my GED and that 12:11 lasted for about a month. 12:14 - for an addict that is a long time, 12:15 a longtime, a month. 12:17 It was a long time, I got myself enrolled in beauty 12:20 school and this was it. 12:21 Then I got introduced into meth. 12:24 There is a lot of meth in Idaho, I guess a lot of states. 12:29 Well Idaho, in Pocatello is the third-highest 12:36 in the United States. 12:39 I mean it was a fun ride, and I always tell everybody 12:44 well God wanted me to learn and to learn fast. 12:47 I hit the ground running, and that's what I did. 12:49 Smoking wasn't good enough for me, so within that first 12:52 month of doing meth I'd started slamming it. 12:55 For people who do not know what slamming it is? 12:57 I started injecting it, IV, using needles. 13:01 That became my drug of choice. 13:04 We have talked about a number of addictions when we do 13:09 this program, it takes a while to develop this full-blown 13:14 addiction, this addicts your personality. 13:16 I look at you and I think that at that point in your 13:20 life, especially choosing meth, it's like the whole world 13:24 can just back away from me. 13:27 I'm fine and I am going to take what I need. 13:29 That power is unbelievable when you get to that place, 13:32 you are not going to hurt me, in fact I will hurt you 13:35 first, and I can see you in that right there. 13:39 Just that I am going to be in control of my own, even if 13:42 it is my own death, it is my own death, 13:44 but I am in control. 13:45 Well it 15 I knew I was going to die of a drug overdose 13:48 by the time I was 18, I knew it. 13:50 I'm sure that was adversary talking to me, but I just 13:53 knew it. - and could care less. - I could care less. 13:56 I wanted it that way. 14:02 The needle became my life, and one friend told me once, 14:08 that is how I viewed it, would you rather have one really 14:13 long day, or a bunch of bad days? 14:16 I chose one really long bad day, because with meth 14:20 I would stay up for days, weeks on end. 14:22 You get so psychotic and so crazy. 14:25 - oh that was my favorite because then nothing was real 14:27 to me. - because you could jump out of reality? 14:31 Oh yeah, reality was too painful. 14:34 The delusions are intense when you're up for weeks. 14:39 Oh yes, I have been up for nine days and I had a pet 14:43 tarantula, and it has little sand type stuff in the 14:47 bottom of her cage, and after our was up for that long 14:51 I thought they were worms. 14:53 So I thought these maggots were eating my spider, 14:56 so I'm throwing all the sand out of her cage because 14:59 I thought they were eating my spider. 15:01 But it was sand, it was delusional, just complete. 15:08 None of the reality could cause you any pain? 15:10 When you were in that state? - no! 15:13 Don't you wish somehow you could explain that to someone 15:15 that is even judging an addict? 15:17 If we understood the fear and the damage that they were 15:22 running from, we would just want to love them. 15:25 We would really step in, in a whole different way. 15:27 So you ended up, what happened with the meth? 15:31 Did you have a breakdown? Because you get crazy. 15:36 No, I was homeless for a little bit and then I found 15:40 this man and a knew he was going to be my knight in 15:43 shining armor, and I did not like him at all. 15:46 This is what drugs do to you, I hated him. 15:48 Your suppose to like knights in shining armor? 15:52 That's how messed up my thinking was, he was my knight 15:57 in shining armor, but I didn't like him. 15:59 I didn't like who he was, but he had the dope, 16:01 he had the drugs for me, he had a place for me to stay, 16:03 and he had a bed for me to sleep in. 16:05 So he was my knight in shining armor because he had all 16:08 of these material things that I needed. 16:10 It turned out to be a huge mistake, he ended up being 16:15 married and I got to renounce that moral failure and 16:20 that was amazing in itself. 16:23 He ended up being married, I did know he was married. 16:25 I was at the house one day and she comes walking in and 16:28 said, where is my husband? 16:30 I'm like who is your husband? 16:31 Low and behold he was married, but that did not stop me 16:36 at all because he still had what I needed, and that ended 16:40 up being a very abusive relationship as well. 16:43 What was enough for me, I had taken some mushrooms and 16:50 I was hallucinating pretty bad and I looked in the 16:57 mirror, which is a big no-no, but I looked in the mirror 17:00 and my skin was completely gray. 17:04 I had bruises all up and down my arms, had abscesses all 17:07 over my arms from missing, from shooting up. 17:12 I was 130 pounds, and I am a big girl, so for me to be 17:17 that, you can see every, literally every bone in my body. 17:20 My eyes were completely sunken in and I looked in the 17:24 mirror, and it wasn't me. 17:27 I did not recognize that person and I was so scared that 17:31 I literally thought that was the devil looking back at 17:35 me, I was terrified. 17:37 I called my mom and she told me to get on my knees, 17:43 it was probably one o'clock in the morning, 17:44 she told me get on your knees Rachael and you need 17:47 to ask God to help you. 17:49 I was like no, no, no you don't understand, 17:52 I need to go to rehab now. 17:53 She said it's one o'clock in the morning and there is 17:55 nothing I can do for you. 17:57 She told me to do that so after I got off the phone with 17:59 her, I fell on my knees, I didn't get on my knees, 18:04 I literally fell to the ground on my knees and I asked God 18:07 for His help, simple words, please help me. 18:12 It is not complicated. - Oh yeah, God understands. 18:15 I don't even know what else to say, nor have the words 18:18 to say, but He goes right to your heart. 18:20 He said the Holy Spirit knows exactly 18:21 what you just asked. 18:23 Oh yeah, I fell asleep immediately, which was a miracle 18:26 in itself, I mean immediately I fell asleep. 18:29 I woke up the next morning with my mom kicking me and 18:31 telling me to get on a plane. 18:33 - to go to rehab? To go to rehab yes. 18:37 So what was rehab like, because you have to go in through 18:41 horrendous withdrawals, from alcohol, from the drugs, 18:44 from that lifestyle. 18:46 It was horrific, I won't lie. 18:50 I did not like getting sober, but I was so beat up that 18:54 I was done, I was just done and I couldn't do it anymore. 18:58 I was willing to do anything they told me to do. 19:01 I remember you telling me one time about a letter that 19:06 you wrote saying, goodbye to meth, 19:08 talk about that letter. 19:10 They made us write a goodbye letter to the drug of choice. 19:15 When I wrote that goodbye letter, it was a goodbye letter 19:19 to the love of my life. 19:21 I had seriously felt, that this drug, was more to the 19:25 needle, because it didn't matter if it was meth or not, 19:29 I would have put anything in the needle as long as 19:31 it was going in my arm. 19:33 I said goodbye to that and it was the love of my life. 19:36 It was the one thing that has been consistent in my life? 19:39 Yes, how I viewed it was that it never let me down, 19:44 it was always there, and made me not feel, it could do 19:48 work for me that I could never ever do. 19:50 That is how I viewed it, and the biggest line I put in 19:54 that letter was, the love I had for you couldn't compare 19:58 to the control you had over me. 20:00 That is exactly what it was. 20:02 - I have to say goodbye. Yes, and I had to say that 20:05 I needed that closure, and it was a closure. 20:08 Some people, they really do need to write that letter, 20:13 they need to literally talk to this drug, as I have been 20:16 in a relationship with this drug more than anyone in my 20:19 life, I have to say goodbye. 20:22 I would have to say to a normal person that sounds crazy. 20:27 When your writing the letter, everything in you just 20:30 weeps. - oh, it was horrible. 20:32 I mean seriously, I felt more love for the drug and 20:37 that needle, than I did my mom. 20:40 I was willing to trade anything for it. 20:42 I mean obviously, anything. 20:46 You know saying goodbye, writing that letter, 20:49 talk about what they did for you as far as freedom. 20:54 We got to burn it, and watching the flames, watching it 20:59 all crumble up and go up in smoke it was very freeing. 21:03 I knew I had actually that choice today. 21:06 In my addiction I never felt like I had a choice. 21:09 I just thought it was my burden to bear, and this was 21:12 my life, and this was just how it was. 21:14 When I actually got to see that and say goodbye and see 21:17 it burning, I knew that I had a choice. 21:19 - the first time in your life? 21:21 Oh yes, in rehab they showed me how to live my life. 21:26 It was amazing. 21:28 It makes me think about, just watching your eyes, 21:32 it makes me think about that moment for myself, because 21:35 when you do get that moment you know I can make a 21:39 decision today, it's not going to be easy, but I can make 21:42 that decision and all of a sudden you are empowered 21:45 in a way that you have never been to just step into your 21:49 life, and you want to thank somebody. 21:54 Can I thank somebody can I just say, and really the 21:56 people around you to thank right now are the people 21:59 in rehab, the people that are working and have done 22:01 the groups, and you don't even know that you can take 22:04 that a step higher yet. 22:06 See that's really funny, I have a story for that. 22:08 The rehab ended up kicking me out. - ouch! 22:13 Well because I didn't accept God into my life then. 22:16 They told me I had to believe in God and do all this 22:20 stuff, I still didn't accept Him in my life. 22:24 Can you tell us why? Because I think the why's in our 22:29 journey are as important as when we get it. 22:32 The why's talk about all the lies that have been told 22:36 about God, and about our need and dependency on something 22:41 outside of ourselves, so why when they said God is the 22:45 answer, a higher power, you said, fffh! 22:47 Because I blamed Him, I blamed Him for everything. 22:51 Why would this wonderful God that people talk about, 22:55 why would He let a little girl get molested? 22:57 Why would He sit there and watch this little girl get 23:01 thrown down the stairs by her feet? 23:03 Why would He do that? That was the adversary talking 23:08 to me, making me question God all the time. 23:11 They tried to tell me in rehab, and it worked pretty good, 23:14 they told me that God gave us this wonderful gift called 23:18 free will, and some of those things were because of my 23:22 own doing, and when I finally understood that, 23:24 it was ahhh okay. 23:26 But I wasn't willing to completely surrender my life, 23:28 and my will over to God. I wasn't there yet. 23:30 Was it a lot to do with trust issues? 23:35 Oh everything! - I know that's very stupid but I have to 23:39 ask you this question because you're asking a child that 23:43 has never had anybody trustworthy around them to trust 23:47 God, and to me that was ludicrous. 23:50 When I first heard that I thought, are you kidding me? 23:52 You want me to trust God? 23:54 I think you're sitting too close to me actually. 23:58 Do you know what I mean, it's we don't trust anybody. 24:02 I look at you I think, that coming from all the places 24:05 you came from, from the streets, from trying to fend 24:08 for yourself, is when somebody talked to you about trust. 24:12 You almost want to laugh in their face. 24:14 What are you talking about? 24:16 Especially something I can't see, or touch, or call on 24:20 the phone, say hey do you still have that for me? 24:22 Thanks dude, goodbye! 24:24 It just wasn't there. 24:26 - so do you guys know each other yet? 24:29 I mean going through all this stuff, do you know each 24:31 other? - no not yet! 24:32 So you got kicked out? 24:34 They kicked me out because I wasn't willing to accept 24:37 God in turn my will over to Him yet. 24:40 I was still acting, like an alcoholic and addict 24:44 just without any mood altering substance. 24:49 Like so that means I'm angry! -oh, yes! 24:51 When I got sober, I was angry for a good 2, 3 years. 24:56 Just angry at the world, and everybody. 25:01 - So hypersensitive, I'm not masking any of that stuff 25:04 so I have to feel it now. 25:06 Yeah it was just anger, and what I like to call a dry 25:11 alcoholic, is what I was. 25:13 I was still attending meetings and I wasn't drinking 25:15 but I was White knuckling it. 25:17 I still had not turn myself over. 25:20 What made you stop, you go into treatment and all that, but what 25:24 made you, then stop and go to meetings and nobody was 25:27 forcing that, were you on probation or something? 25:29 No, I stayed in the law. 25:32 So what made you stop, what made you decide that I'm 25:34 actually going to do that part of it? 25:37 I was done, when I first went to rehab I went to rehab 25:42 with the idea I was going for a break. 25:47 I was going to get sobered up and by the time I get out 25:51 of rehab and do that big huge shot it was going to be 25:55 really good and really intense. 25:57 But when I walked into that first AA meeting, I was home. 26:00 I didn't have to fight. 26:03 - you didn't have to prove yourself. 26:05 - I didn't have to prove myself to anybody. 26:07 - people understood. - yes and I felt at home. 26:10 I knew for one hour, no one was going to hurt me, 26:13 nobody was going to make me feel dirty, I was just home. 26:19 To me, one of the things I think is amazing about those 26:23 groups, is they just say, come on and sit down, rest. 26:27 You can rest here, and if you don't know that is the 26:31 value of AA, it is sad because their value is that you 26:36 can finally walk in and sit down. 26:38 We are going to go ahead and break, then I want to come 26:41 back and introduce Jason and talk about how you guys 26:44 met, and what God is doing in your life, 26:46 because it is absolutely amazing. 26:48 The first time I heard the entire story, I wanted to cry 26:53 with them, not tears of sadness but of joy 26:55 that God can heal anything, 26:58 absolutely amazing, we will be right back! |
Revised 2014-12-17