Participants: Cheri Peters (Host), C.A. Murray
Series Code: CLR
Program Code: CLR00084A
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00:11 Welcome to Celebrating Life In Recovery
00:12 I'm Cheri your host. 00:13 This is what season, - season number seven. 00:16 Season seven and this season we are looking at and doing 00:21 a searching and fearless moral inventory. 00:23 Everybody hates that step for doing it so come join us. 00:54 Seven seasons ago Cheri we began in Odyssey and now 00:57 we are at a searching and fearless and moral inventory. 01:01 It even sounds scary. - it doesn't sounds very, very 01:04 daunting, but it is not really. 01:05 But it is a necessary step isn't it? 01:07 This is one of those steps that everybody stays away from 01:11 because it is really tough to say, like my husband when 01:14 he took his and you think that he was a Boy Scout, 01:17 he was from a normal household, he didn't have the same 01:20 background I had and he said that's probably not going 01:22 to be too bad. 01:24 So he started his fearless and searching moral inventory 01:27 saying I did do a few things wrong and I'm sorry. 01:31 He heard the Holy Spirit say no, no, no, no. 01:35 What exactly, get a piece of paper and a pen out. 01:38 What exactly did you do wrong? 01:40 What is really interesting is that he wanted to group 01:45 things together, when I was young I was sexual early, 01:50 slept around and I did whatever. 01:52 God was really asking him to be free as to who did 01:56 you sleep with and what kind of damage was done to 02:00 you and to them and he again tried to group it together. 02:02 He was always actually name some names and when 02:09 he turned around at one point told me Cheri I'm sorry 02:13 for all the things I did a girl popped up into his head 02:16 and he said that situation that night had plagued him 02:20 over the years because of how it was done, how she felt 02:24 afterwards, he said he didn't know her name and so 02:26 we say God the girl with red dress. 02:32 I don't even know her name but any damage 02:35 that I caused her. 02:36 So when you look at a moral inventory, when you are 02:39 looking at the things you have done in your life and 02:43 putting them down, what have you done sexually, what have you 02:47 done as far as character stuff, are you a liar? 02:50 I even hate that one because I am. 02:52 This is interesting Cheri because knowing your husband 02:57 he came into the relationship. I am the whole guy. 03:01 I'm going to resurrect you, she's kind of a mess. 03:04 When you turn the spotlight on yourself you realize that 03:07 you are just as damaged and you may be able to cover it 03:10 better, not the obvious stuff that you went through. 03:13 Everyone has baggage. 03:14 There is no one who goes through life baggage free. 03:16 One of things that really trashed him is his pride in 03:21 his arrogance and not so much directed at me, even at 03:25 times it was but he just really believed he was better 03:29 than the next person and when he starts looking at that 03:33 and realized how he damaged people with that over the 03:36 years he cried like a baby. 03:38 It's so hurt him but if we are going to get into recovery 03:40 and we are going to stay into recovery and get our lives 03:43 back we really have to look at what's underneath. 03:46 The anger issues and all that. 03:47 I'm going to give a demonstration, and this 03:50 demonstration is very interesting I saw the other 03:53 day and I thought it was brilliant. 03:54 Let's say when you get yourself in hot water what happens 04:01 to you? What comes out? - your colors your flavors. 04:05 Well you're flavors come out. 04:07 If you have anger stuff. If you are insecure and 04:10 you think negative about yourself. If you are arrogant. 04:14 If you are what ever it starts to come out. 04:16 It's just like when you put tea in this hot water, 04:19 pretty soon the water changes colors. 04:24 This is a pomegranate raspberry tea, so you put it in 04:28 and at first the water is just clear but pretty soon 04:33 it comes out. 04:34 Then you start squeezing this teabag a little bit 04:37 so it is not that the water is doing anything different 04:41 but what is in this teabag is going to cause this water 04:45 to change colors, to change flavors, and the smell 04:48 is going to come out. 04:50 In our recovery it's the same, I can dress it up and 04:53 I can say there really isn't anything that I'm really dealing 04:57 with anymore, but you push me, you get me against the wall. 05:00 You start pushing my buttons and I may be right at your 05:04 throat because that is what is in me still. 05:06 So if you squeeze me I'm right there. 05:08 What the four steps says, lets look at what's going to come 05:12 out when you get squeezed, or when you get into hot water. 05:16 Let's surrender that stuff. In a - yeah that is what's 05:19 so cool about the Bible, that is what you just stated in 05:23 a very urbane sort of way that is Pauline theology. 05:27 Back a person in a corner giving no quarter right or left, 05:31 squeeze them he will show you what he is made of. 05:34 Good or bad is going to come out. 05:36 That's the New Testament Pauline theology. 05:39 I could think of because I worked in the nursing field 05:43 for a while and there was an incident where I was at work 05:47 and something happened and we were doing a change of 05:49 shift and we were talking about different patients that 05:51 were on the unit. 05:53 The woman that I worked with all of sudden just lost it. 05:57 Screaming, you think you're better than me at all that 06:00 kind of stuff and I don't know she was screaming at me 06:03 or somebody else but she had lost it. 06:05 She just got squeezed and all that came out. 06:11 It wasn't that anybody said anything to her, but her 06:14 insecurities, herself doubts the fact that you are never 06:18 going to take anything from me again all came out. 06:21 If she doesn't, if we don't deal with that we will 06:24 always be manipulated by this stuff. 06:27 Why during that time do I need to bring someone else in? 06:32 You know because in most programs, and we are not 06:35 talking about any program because there are 06:37 tons of them out there. 06:38 There is an Oxford group that does their moral inventory 06:40 in a certain way, there's 12 step group that doesn't 06:43 a certain way, our group does it a certain way. 06:46 So everyone looks at this part of recovery 06:48 in a different way. 06:49 The Bible is really clear about doing this part of 06:52 recovery, renew your mind, and you examine yourself 06:55 and it says God search me and know my ways, so the 06:58 steps necessary regardless of how you do it. 07:02 But what is really cool about taking the step is that 07:07 I can't do it fully, and I will do another example 07:11 because I just learned about it by example. 07:14 CA are you a good driver? - I like to think so. 07:16 So if you are going cross-country to this as someone 07:20 and you are getting ready for a trip what do you do as 07:23 far as to make sure that trip is going to be successful? 07:25 first of all you had to know where your going and 07:27 how you are going to get there. 07:29 how about your car, oil any of that stuff. 07:31 tires and brakes you know. 07:33 Leave when you are tired or rested? -Rested! 07:35 So you really are going to check a lot of things. 07:38 Get behind the wheel and you are driving down the freeway 07:40 and what are you checking? 07:41 My speed first of all. - how about any crazy drivers? 07:46 Yeah I'm looking around me sure. 07:47 So you are checking for people around you. 07:49 But there are certain things that you cannot check and 07:52 those are blind spots in the side windows. 07:56 I can look in those mirrors but there are blind spots 07:59 that if I'm not really aware I have to know that they 08:02 are there and I really want to work around them that 08:05 I can pull over into another lane and push somebody right 08:08 into a ditch not realizing they were in my blind spot. 08:12 So the fourth step of this moral inventory we are looking 08:15 at things that have been in our blind spots and so a lot 08:19 of times we are asking people to come alongside of us, 08:22 not that I have to confess to you and not that 08:27 there's something magical and that but I want to work on 08:29 stuff I know about myself and as they share that with 08:32 you, you may say to me you know Cheri there are some areas 08:36 I noticed that come up and those are my blind spots. 08:39 So you pull France along how an evil people along that you 08:43 trust and a lot of people that is why they joined groups 08:46 to get an accountability partner and all the other things. 08:49 Blind spots are we going to take us down 08:52 that makes this season really exciting and the one 08:54 really can't wait to be a part of one because 08:58 self-deception is the easiest, self inventory 09:01 that's the absolute hardest. 09:03 When you say I lost it because he or she pushes my buttons, 09:07 you are also saying you sowed that button 09:09 you have buttons to be pushed. 09:10 And when you are in hot water you know what I mean. 09:15 Look at the color of this one now, 09:17 do you know what I mean? 09:18 It is that it comes out, it comes out. 09:21 So this is going to be an exciting season. 09:23 What's really interesting is you go back to the Bible 09:26 and the Bible says the first time I read the heart is 09:29 deceitful above all things. 09:30 You know I've been rejected kid and I'm stupider than 09:34 the husband and he has this arrogance and his family 09:37 says you're better than everyone else in my family 09:40 says you're worth nothing so did we push each other's buttons 09:43 Absolutely if you know what I mean. 09:46 Well I'm at him saying you think you're better 09:50 than me at all that stuff, even if I never said it out 09:52 loud and nailed him every time he forgot to take the 09:55 trash out. Because that is where the passive aggressive 09:58 stuff comes from its not realizing the button he pushed 10:01 in me with his arrogance, and he didn't even know that 10:05 that was one of his hidden stuff. 10:07 So what you start to the personal inventory, and make 10:10 it fearless, really ask people around you. 10:13 Have you ever been with somebody who said I just don't think 10:17 I have a lot of things wrong with me. 10:20 Yeah and if they don't say it their attitude and it 10:22 shows that, I'm pretty good. 10:26 Yeah ask your kids. 10:27 Ask the people that know you the most, love you the most. 10:32 What this says is that I wanted to be fearless I want to 10:36 look at everything because I've done getting tripped up. 10:41 I'm done being manipulated, I'm just done without so if 10:45 I am truly down with that get a piece of paper out and 10:49 start writing down some things. 10:51 When you write that down then hook up with somebody 10:54 whether it is a group or it is an individual that you 10:57 trust, a church group or whatever and start looking 11:01 at how do I now gain insight and break denial and 11:05 surrender this to God? 11:07 I know that you were hoping that during the course of 11:09 the season your viewers are doing that kind of thing. 11:12 They may not have some of this really obvious sort of 11:15 in-your-face kind of stuff that we are going to be 11:17 talking about, but they get out a piece of paper, 11:20 and if they are honest with ourselves we are talking 11:22 about searching and honestly, you have to have both. 11:24 If you're going to be surface and blow it off and 11:27 you are not doing yourself any good. 11:28 Do you want to dig deep, scrape beneath the 11:31 surface and then you want to be honest with the stuff 11:33 you see down there. 11:34 They just stop for a minute because he will tell you in 11:37 when people have some really bad rejection issues 11:41 a because of neglect or whatever in their life they 11:46 don't even know what they are good at. 11:49 So do a fearless inventory and a lot of times you 11:54 also find out what you're good at so it's not just the 11:56 bad stuff it's do I have any talents, do I have any 12:00 gifts and with somebody that is damaged we can't even 12:03 say them out loud because for one what 12:06 we think is that right? 12:07 Can I say that out loud? Can I recognize the fact that maybe 12:11 I am a good communicator? 12:12 Maybe I do have a big heart and let the people around 12:16 me but we can say that because we think it 12:18 is conceited to say that. 12:19 So during this inventory there's both sides of it, the things 12:22 I've trash and the things I have done well. 12:24 Oh, something just popped in my mind. 12:25 There is a text in Corinthians that talks about those 12:28 who compare themselves by themselves, judge themselves, 12:31 are not wise. 12:32 So I know you are not saying don't compare yourself, 12:35 judge yourself by yourself, Judge yourself by Christ. 12:38 Look at you and not CA as opposed to Cheri, CA as opposed 12:41 to Jesus, CA, not someone else because if I look 12:45 at you I'm always going to find some reason to feel good 12:47 and I'll fake it, but if I look at myself 12:50 particularly in the light of Christ love I will see 12:52 myself as I really am. 12:53 And I will be free, because what God says is that 12:55 I want to set you free. 12:57 There is the goals of this whole thing that you can 13:01 finally stand up and take the grave clothes off. 13:05 What has kept you in bondage take it off and live your 13:09 life and God says I want that for you so badly and 13:13 you don't even know how many things have 13:15 really trashed yourself with. 13:17 I'm going to show you some of the guests we've had on 13:20 and they have been amazing. 13:22 So were going to do a roll in and his first role is 13:26 a family that when I first met them, Lynn was dying and 13:31 she was very sick and had a horrible addiction and 13:35 they were trying to get her into recovery to get 13:39 free of those addictions. 13:41 She had a young daughter I think 12, all 11, 12 years old 13:47 that was amazing Haley and her sister was there 13:49 and so we meet. 13:51 We start working together and found a place that would 13:54 accept her but during the entire time we were working 13:56 on this they are showing her some different things about 13:59 celebrating life and recovering which brought 14:01 her back to Christ. 14:02 The night that she came back to Christ everybody was 14:07 celebrating, it was incredible. 14:09 She died 20 hours later. So to me we were a part of her 14:14 journey and unfortunately by the time she gets there 14:18 she dies and so another reason I wanted to bring them on 14:22 is that we can die in our addictions and we can die saved 14:25 and we can die loved, but that is not God's intention 14:29 for us is to die. 14:30 Haley is on this program is just as child I have fallen 14:34 in love with her, I want to adopt this kid 14:37 she is so amazing. 14:38 Also Marcia in a whole different situation with her. 14:43 Rebellious all through her life, I'm so not going to marry at 14:50 Pastor and be a pastors wife and God did exactly that 14:53 and she rebelled the whole time, her coming out of 14:56 rebellion the whole time and she look good. 14:59 Everything that she had to do but nothing that she wanted 15:02 to do, so her coming out of rebellion was huge. 15:05 And Felicia, a good friend of mine that son was shot in 15:10 the head and killed, in gangs and all that kind of stuff. 15:14 It was her life up until that point at which he gave to 15:18 her children and the results of that. 15:20 Then her surviving that, go ahead and watch this roll in 15:25 and think about these are people that are doing the four 15:29 step, somewhat tragic situations they are coming out. 15:33 God is still saying stand up I love you and 15:36 I will give you a life. 15:40 What's the hardest thing for you with your mom? 15:42 Going through life without her, without her there it's 15:49 like I don't have family anymore 15:53 because dad is not here anymore. - right. 15:57 Did you stepfather leave about the same time? 16:01 He was cheating on my mom when she was in the hospital 16:04 with this other girl, it wasn't all his fault. 16:08 I took pretty much controlled my sister and 16:11 after my dad had moved out and was gone everything 16:17 just started falling apart. 16:18 And I said to the Pastor you know my husband doesn't 16:23 appear to have a lot of time left would you come? 16:27 The Pastor said well you know I'm in a school board 16:31 meeting but I will wrap it up and get their just 16:35 as soon as I can. 16:36 As I was sitting waiting for him I was watching the 16:39 elevator and when the elevator door opened his wife 16:43 came out of the elevator. 16:46 I said what are you doing here? 16:48 She said my husband called me and stated that he was 16:53 needed but he has been delayed and so I came and she 16:57 touched my hand and said Marcia it's going to be all 17:00 right. Then she hugged my mother-in-law who was waiting 17:04 in the hallway, and then she moved very cautiously into my 17:08 husband's room and she stood and prayed with him until 17:12 her husband arrived, the Pastor. 17:15 It was that day that I realized the effectiveness of the 17:20 Pastor wife, efficacy and what could have been for me 17:25 the satisfaction that I could have brought to families, 17:30 to other families all those years and I didn't and 17:34 that truly touched my heart. 17:36 He had got shot in 2000, I got a call in 2000 that 17:39 he was shot and it was New Year's. 17:41 And I was Stockton visiting and then the thought 17:45 come to me oh no not like this. 17:48 I got back there and it was a wake-up call for him, 17:51 it should have been but actually it was 17:53 a wake-up call for me. 17:54 During a party, how did he get shot? 17:59 I was up on the street, there is a strip in Oakland 18:03 where a lot of the guys hang out and sell drugs, 18:06 they party, there's women up there and 18:09 he loved that strip. 18:11 He was like the man up there, they loved him. 18:13 He got shot, they shot him in the back and as a result 18:18 of that shot they had to cut off part of his intestines 18:22 and they stitched him up and he was good, he survived 18:26 that. Then he realized that somebody was trying to kill 18:31 him, the devil was trying to kill you boy but 18:36 you do not have to die you can change it doesn't have to 18:38 be like this. 18:40 Welcome back, I absolutely love these folks. 18:45 And when Felicia was talking that God showed her when her 18:50 son was really young, I don't know three maybe four years 18:53 old and was playing, she felt like the Holy Spirit said 18:57 you're going to bury this one. 18:58 She said my whole life I've protected him and then when 19:02 all of a sudden they are telling me they are going to 19:05 take life support off of him because he just got shot in 19:08 the head I remembered that time. 19:10 All these years she felt like God left her know that this 19:14 was what was going to happen with this kid. 19:16 So the fact that she share that with us, and not only 19:19 share that with us but were talking about doing a moral 19:23 inventory is that she had been in her addictions, 19:26 she had been running, the kids had seen all I kind of 19:29 stuff as they were growing up and now she was watching 19:32 the next-generation pull in all of that stuff and now 19:34 with all that tragedy behind her God is saying 19:38 don't be afraid. 19:39 Look at what you still have and start 19:42 unloading that stuff. 19:44 We are not unloading, not looking at these moral 19:46 inventories in a vacuum, we are looking at them through 19:50 the tragedies of our lives and yet God is saying if you 19:54 trust Me I will hold you up. 19:56 This is not going to kill you. 19:57 I know it is going to hurt, some of us are so afraid to 20:01 feel because we have been running from that our whole 20:05 lives, we are so afraid of that so don't be afraid to 20:08 feel. Your pain is not going to kill you, your memories 20:11 are not going to kill you, but what is on the other side 20:14 of that is your life. 20:16 I think our people should Cheri would like be tourists in 20:19 their own life, so when it gets really tough I'm packing 20:22 my bags and going home, I'm not staying for 20:25 this kind of thing. 20:26 But whether you see death coming a long way off as she did 20:29 or whether that sneaks in all of a sudden it doesn't make 20:32 it easier to cope with even when I use the term you are 20:36 whole and sane there are addictive stuff in your life and 20:39 you are ill equipped and it's when you need the Lord. 20:41 To share that with us is very powerful. 20:44 It was very power full and you know we look at this family 20:47 that the little girl, and she's so tiny. 20:51 Haley is like in the seventh grade and just as tiny thing. 20:55 When she looked at, one point during the interview she 20:58 looked at me and I said what is it that you would like 21:01 your life. She said I would like my mom back. 21:05 I would like my mom to see my graduation and would like 21:08 all that, but because her mom's addiction she is never 21:10 going to see that. 21:12 So now her mom is dead and with Haley she is now going 21:16 into high school and having to look at her fearless 21:22 inventory, her sadness, her rejection, her genetic 21:27 history of addiction. 21:28 To me I love the fact that we are walking along side 21:31 of her, because I would love to do that now in the 21:35 eighth grade instead of when she is 80. 21:36 Because we have to do it sometime. 21:38 It's funny how addiction presupposes addiction and 21:42 the next-generation presupposes addiction and you get 21:47 individuals who are angry and upset and have no place 21:51 to focus it so you turn it on yourself. 21:54 You're destroyed because of it. 21:55 Your mother is gone, you can't focus it there so it 21:58 becomes self-destructive. 22:00 Exactly you become your own perpetrator. - precisely. 22:03 It's huge, and what is really interesting is sometimes 22:07 we wonder why I am so angry at someone else. 22:09 I'm angry because their life looks normal. 22:12 Who are you to have this? How fair is this? 22:14 We can you have fun while I'm suffering? 22:16 Somebody came up to me and were doing this counseling 22:19 and there was this really neat kid 17, she said you know 22:22 our family is perfect except for my brother has ADD 22:25 and I'm thinking that's it? 22:27 I don't want to be discounting but is that it, are you 22:30 kidding me? I wanted to kick her in the shins. 22:33 My first reaction was a part of me just says that 22:36 life is not fair. 22:38 During this fearless searching moral inventory looking 22:41 at that part of you, we are looking at everything. 22:46 We are looking at the sexual stuff, the drug stuff, 22:49 the sadness's, we are looking at everything with this. 22:54 To me what is amazing that is when you start doing that 22:58 you can learn to feel and it doesn't kill you. 23:02 I started what was really, really interesting to me, 23:07 I'm looking at my anger of my mom and different things 23:11 and I start to deal with that and start to look at my 23:16 mom's life and her point of view. 23:18 My mom was a kid when she was having kids and she was 23:22 married to an abuser and so she disappeared into herself. 23:25 He disappeared into her anger and she had to take it out 23:29 on a child, but when I started to do my own inventory 23:33 and forgiving her and asking God to release me from the 23:37 bitterness that I've carried all of these years. 23:39 To free from that and anything that Satan has tied onto 23:42 that I'm asking you for strongholds be broken down and 23:46 through anything that is an ripple effect from that 23:49 I want to see it all so I can surrender it to You. 23:52 And now I am free to look at my mom and for the first 23:55 time in my life I looked at her and really 23:58 felt some compassion. 23:59 I'm sorry for what you went through and so I was sitting 24:02 at her house the other day, you are going to die with 24:04 this, I'm sitting at her house during Christmas and 24:07 she invited me to Christmas for the first time in a long 24:11 time and I was shocked. 24:12 She is never done that so I am sitting at her house and 24:15 she said something, she was putting me down about 24:18 my religion and she does that a lot. 24:20 I said mom do you have faith in anything? 24:23 She looked at me really rebellious and defiant 24:27 and said no. 24:28 I felt such a deep sadness and then she felt that for 24:31 a moment and there was kind of silence and she said 24:34 let's see if you are on TV right now. I said what? 24:39 And she took the remote and she turned on 3ABN and 24:43 I'm like shut up, but there is no way 24:46 my mom is watching 3ABN. 24:49 Everything in me wanted to celebrate, I wanted to say 24:52 God how do you do that? How do You reach into our lives 24:55 but He does that when someone blinks. 24:57 You talk about generational stuff that happens, somebody 25:01 blinks and decide through their courage to take the courage 25:05 to do a fearless inventory, I'm going to fight 25:11 for my family I'm going to fight for the generations that 25:13 follow me I'm going to fight for those of us that are 25:16 still alive but somebody still has to do it and it is 25:19 not easy but it is so worth it. 25:21 I was stunned, my mom turns it on and she knew at that 25:26 moment to turn it on because we were on. 25:28 She knew all that and I was totally set up in such a 25:32 good way, so if you can pray for my mom. 25:36 Pray for the fact that we are all doing this together. 25:41 Some of us are at different stages but at this stage we 25:46 are talking about this season is the fearless inventory. 25:50 Look at your stuff, not the obvious things you have 25:54 dealt with not just step one is where you said I am 25:57 powerless against it, but the things that are hidden, 26:00 The blind spots that you have get rid of those and then 26:03 you are free to love the people around to and you are 26:05 free to live your life. It's amazing we're taking a break 26:08 and we will be right back so stay with us. |
Revised 2014-12-17