Participants: Cheri Peters (Host), Palischer Ratliff
Series Code: CLR
Program Code: CLR00087A
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00:11 Welcome to Celebrating Life In Recovery,
00:12 I'm Cheri your host. 00:14 We get hit with a ton of things in life, but you know 00:17 what? The one thing I know for sure is that God is bigger 00:20 then all of those things and His goal is our recovery. 00:24 We are going to talk about that today, join us. 00:54 Okay this season we are looking at step four. 00:57 For people who do not like steps, it is just a process. 01:01 We are looking at what is underneath all of our junk. 01:05 What is interesting, I'm going to read some of the 01:09 personal inventory stuff that we have worked with this far 01:13 as in our ministry when we look at doing fearless moral 01:16 inventory, and we start looking at the underlying core 01:19 issues are we look at bitterness, pride, rebellion, 01:22 materialism, immoral thoughts and actions. 01:27 You know Palischer I'm inviting you on this program and 01:31 we are going to look at some of this as it relates to 01:34 your life, and tell me any so far? - oh yeah! 01:40 What is really interesting is that we look at if we are 01:44 going to get clean, if we're going to have our lives 01:48 back, if we're going to stand up free from all our stuff 01:51 we really do have to be honest. 01:54 Do I have bitterness? Is there people in my life that 01:57 I want to just grab them by the throat and hold it until 02:00 I see a facial color change? If you know what I mean? 02:04 Is there people in my life that I still have that if 02:07 I think long enough about them, I still have that stuff 02:10 come up and if I do, if there are then I'm going 02:14 to get tripped up. 02:16 Because it no longer hurts them, they are gone and going 02:18 about their lives and some of them are not even alive. 02:21 I still have all that stuff so we are looking at, 02:24 I love it when it talks about moral issues. 02:28 When you take moral inventory I am looking at sexual 02:33 stuff, any thoughts, any desires that you have. 02:38 Anything that is twisted in your life. 02:40 And don't tell me you don't have any of those because 02:43 most of us do, and most of us even if nobody on the 02:46 planet knows, you know. So it trips you up. 02:51 So during this season were looking at all that. 02:55 Generational stuff, sometimes I can work with somebody 02:58 and I can look at my own life, I don't even have to go 03:01 far to see this one. 03:03 I can start looking at great- grandparents and what 03:07 their issues are, grandparents, did they have anger issues, 03:10 alcohol issues, did they have porn stuff, were they 03:13 critical, where the judge mental, did they have 03:17 I have to be better than the neighbors next door, 03:20 did they have pride issues? 03:21 Then you look at your parents in the same kind of things 03:24 start happening there, and then you look at yourself 03:27 and one day you'll look in the mirror and you think 03:29 I am my parents, what happened with that? 03:32 It's just the whole generational thing, but if I can 03:35 get that on paper and look at that and ask God, which 03:38 is the best accountability partner on the planet. 03:42 Ask God, can You help me and God says absolutely. 03:45 Another one is just any kind of sinful habit and we 03:48 will get into what that looks like. 03:50 Occult activity, we are very much faith-based and 03:54 I believe there is a good and the bad out there. 03:57 I believe there is a devil and there is a God. 04:01 Sometimes with the occult stuff I can get involved 04:05 and they get their hooks in me really young. 04:09 Even though I turn things over and start walking 04:14 towards recovery, walking towards God, walking towards 04:18 my spirituality or health in that way, it's even then 04:22 these hooks are still there and there is a time when you 04:26 can confess to God, to someone else, the Bible, I love 04:29 the verses that says confess your sins to one another, 04:32 pray for one another so you can be healed. 04:34 Some of the occult stuff we need to repent of that, 04:37 confess that at Ask God if there is anything that the devil 04:41 has in my life that relates to this and take it from me. 04:45 Remove it from me, I'm done with it. 04:47 What is really fun about God, and I want to kiss Him 04:51 on the face when He does this. 04:52 What is really fun about God is that He shows it to us 04:55 in a gentle way. 04:57 All of a sudden we'll have a thought about something, 05:00 or we will talk to a friend I and that friend will expose 05:03 something to us that we think I have an issue with that. 05:06 Don't lose those moments, because those moments in 05:08 recovery are life-changing. 05:10 Thought patterns, I don't know about you but there was a time 05:14 of my life that my thoughts were constantly negative. 05:18 Constantly not only negative, but so self focused. 05:22 There is almost 7 billion people in the world and all day 05:27 I'm thinking about me, if you know what I mean? 05:30 Get over that, and I know some body out there is hearing me 05:34 because there's all stuff I could be thinking about, 05:37 but because of my damage, because of my injuries all day 05:41 long if I stop and listen to my thoughts, it's about me, 05:45 and what happened to me, what they said about me, 05:48 how was I was offended by so-and-so or whatever. 05:51 The devil himself keeps us locked up in that and 05:53 God says I want to set you free. 05:55 This season is about that. 05:57 Palischer I want to just say thank you so much for coming 06:02 on the program, and I say that but I'm the only one knows 06:07 when I first asked you, you said what? 06:10 Talk about that, your reaction of just even being here. 06:13 It's unbelievable to me, first thank you for inviting me. 06:17 It was hard for me to get my hands around, she wants me 06:21 to be on 3ABN, me? I don't have nothing really to share 06:25 with nobody, I'm just an average person. 06:29 Cheri sees something in what I've talked about that she 06:31 thinks would benefit someone else and that made me feel 06:34 like extra special, but it scared me to death 06:37 at the same time. 06:39 Amen, so you know where I want to start. 06:41 You really did touch my heart from the first time I heard 06:47 any part of your journey. 06:49 So let's start with when I read this inventory list, 06:53 is there anything that you said you know what, I think 06:57 that's me, and I think that's me, and I think that's me. 07:01 And start about your spiritual journey long before what 07:05 happened with your children. 07:07 Okay, I guess I'll start with who I am as far as in my 07:14 family, I'm the youngest sibling of six. 07:17 So that sets the stage for jealousy, for spoiled, getting 07:25 your way, selfishness and those types of things. 07:28 My mother was a Seventh-day Adventist Christian and my 07:32 father an alcoholic so there were a lot of back-and-forth 07:37 things with mixed messages you get in a house that is divided. 07:42 - it is so divided. - it was really divided. 07:44 I always had to ask people to do this because alcoholism 07:48 looks different in different homes. 07:50 It's a kind of theme you don't talk about stuff and all 07:54 that, but what did it look like at your house? 07:58 Well um humm, for me I do not see it as clear as my 08:04 sisters did because I was so young, it ended before 08:09 I got old enough to remember a lot of it. 08:11 There were some physical abuse of my mother and my dad 08:16 cussed a lot, a lot of us were scared of him. 08:19 In fact all of us were afraid of him except for me 08:21 because I was his baby girl. 08:23 So his drunkenness never bothered me because when he was 08:26 drunk he would take me to his friends and say this is my 08:29 baby, and they would love me. 08:30 I always felt loved and not afraid. 08:32 Cussing it didn't bother me, it just didn't bother me. 08:36 But my sisters have a whole different story to tell, 08:40 so they are like yeah right. 08:42 I love when you say that because when I was little the 08:46 cussing was just language. - yeah. 08:48 When I look back on it I think oh man, but when I was 08:52 going through it that's just the way our family 08:54 spoke to each other. 08:56 My mother always told us my dad was going to be lost 08:59 because of that, you don't want to talk like that 09:02 because God does what you talking like that. 09:03 So kids are kids and we would talk to each other and say 09:07 those words just because we heard daddy say them. 09:09 We didn't even know we were talking about, and 09:11 I can't say them on the TV and we would talk back and 09:13 forth and mom would tell us we can't say that 09:15 type of thing, that's not good. 09:16 So we grew up knowing what was right and wrong, 09:19 and daddy was down and we were up if we did what Mama said. 09:22 That was important to us and mother was very domineering 09:26 so I guess I picked up that trait from her. 09:29 Getting my way as her baby make me selfish, very selfish. 09:34 What is interesting when you talk that dominant thread 09:38 that gets in there, is that we never even mentioned that 09:41 on this list, but that dominant thing there is a lot of 09:45 people that have that. 09:46 I will get what I want when I want it and 09:49 you will give it to me. 09:51 Some of us are more aggressive at that than others. 09:56 Yeah, assertive - yeah, assertive that's a better word. 10:01 But you do and I grew up in my sisters shadows. 10:05 We all went to the same schools and I was like their 10:10 sister, I didn't have my own identity. 10:11 That also puts rebellion in you because you want to be 10:15 who you are, you don't want to be someone else's 10:17 sister all the time. 10:18 Right, you were just a babe. 10:20 Just a baby and one of my sisters was very musical. 10:24 She is an excellent vocalist and she plays the cello. 10:27 She's just been right on the top of the line all through 10:31 school and my other sister were straight A student 10:33 and she was always in the limelight for that. 10:35 And another was a good public speaker and so you know 10:39 it was a lot to keep up with and I wasn't really 10:41 interested in but people expected if you come from this 10:44 line of things you are going to be like that too. 10:46 That puts pressure on you, and I was really not liking 10:50 living in my sisters shadow so it made me want to do my 10:53 own thing and that was where I the rebellion part came in. 10:55 We all grew up in church, we all knew right from wrong, 10:58 but I wanted to do it my kind of way. 11:01 I wanted to do it so rebellion was really, really. 11:04 So what did that look like? 11:05 It look like not going to church if you didn't want to. 11:09 - you really can't make me do anything, - nothing. 11:13 Not necessarily while I was at home, going to school 11:18 is a big issue when I was at home. 11:19 I had decided I did not want to go to school anymore so 11:22 my mom called the preacher and they put me in church 11:25 school because we had all been through public school. 11:27 None of us could afford to go to church school. 11:30 When I decided I wasn't going to school my mother called 11:33 the Pastor and they may me wash dishes at the Academy to 11:36 to pay for my tuition. - That helped your rebellion. 11:38 It was really the very best thing that could happen to me 11:41 because it opened a door to a whole new arena of people. 11:44 People you just see on Sabbath at church, you don't 11:46 really know them but when you start going to school 11:49 with the kids you get to know the more. 11:50 Palischer, I have to say one of the things for even 11:54 parents is that they will protect their kids from, and 11:57 like if their child doesn't want to do something and 12:00 voices their opinions strong enough, they won't make it 12:03 happen, but sometimes when you make it happen, even 12:06 though the child may be kicking and screaming there is 12:09 so much good that comes from it. 12:11 So I love when you said that, it was the best thing that 12:13 happened. Somebody has got to hear that. 12:15 That is a hard age to get through especially when you have 12:18 dysfunction, when you have addictions. 12:21 Especially alcoholism and that stuff that kid is going 12:24 to act out and when they act out can you set the 12:27 boundaries and keep them? 12:28 Send them to do dishes at the Academy. 12:31 It was you know a change, I didn't have to go back to 12:34 school where I was at and that was what I wanted. 12:37 So I got my way and that way you never knew what I was 12:40 getting into on the other hand. 12:42 But I made it through that. 12:43 But after I got grown then I decided I wanted to do things 12:48 my way, for real, my way. 12:50 College wasn't my thing, I went to Oakwood four a quarter 12:54 and I decided that was not what I wanted to do. 12:57 I went to class one time and they told me I had to read 13:00 all this stuff, and I had never read anything in my life, 13:02 not a whole book. 13:04 I went to three classes and each one of them said 13:06 I had to read two or three chapters and come back 13:09 tomorrow, and I was like I don't think so. 13:11 So I spent my time working paying off my tuition but 13:15 I never went back to classes. 13:16 So I didn't owe any money when my quarter was over and 13:18 I came home and I stayed. 13:20 That was a good experience also. 13:23 As I got older I started meeting people that were not in 13:29 the church, men especially. 13:30 I was always overweight, people always saying she has 13:33 such a beautiful face, she has such a pretty face. 13:36 I wanted to be more than a pretty face, what is this 13:38 pretty face thing? I'm glad I'm pretty, okay fine. 13:41 But that was not me. 13:42 - it actually was a slam to you. - yeah. 13:45 What your heart heard was that all you see. - yeah! 13:48 All you see is a pretty face, there is more to me than my 13:51 face and so men were attracted to me. 13:55 That was exciting and I just got off onto the wrong foot, 13:59 I got on the wrong foot and I started acting out and was 14:02 very promiscuous and ended up having two boys not married. 14:06 I love them very much and I am sure that I hurt my 14:09 mother's heart and my family and embarrassed them. 14:13 The church put me out and that wasn't an easy thing 14:17 but an understandable thing. 14:20 What did, because you know all these things that start 14:24 to happen, we have to process them some way. 14:27 So when the church put you out, when you realized you 14:30 were going to be a single parent, what kind of things 14:33 went through your head? Because we don't walk around 14:37 with our anger and our rebellion all the time. 14:39 There is a time that we actually seriously 14:41 set with ourselves. 14:42 Yeah, well I have to do this myself then. 14:45 If I can't have the support of the church family anymore, 14:48 I have to do it myself which wasn't hard for me because 14:51 that is what I wanted to do anyway. 14:53 But I didn't necessarily stopped going to church. 14:56 You can take me off the rolls, but you can't make me 14:59 stop coming, so church is for sinners 15:02 that is what they preach, so. 15:03 I didn't go all the time but whenever I got ready. 15:06 I didn't feel I was barred away, but I was able to focus 15:10 on my kids, they were my priority now. 15:13 I could make life different for them, I didn't want them to live 15:16 in each other's shadow, I made sure they had the same father 15:19 so they wouldn't have to deal with his dad and that dad 15:21 and that type of thing. 15:22 But I wanted them to have each other, 15:26 that was the main thing. 15:27 Having one was bad and when I had the other one my 15:30 mother thought I had really lost my mind. 15:31 - she was like what are you are doing? 15:33 I was like he can't be by himself. 15:35 - it was like there is a logic in your mind. 15:37 Like it was perfectly logical for one sibling, he needs 15:40 I had five so, well six of them so I knew that there 15:43 is value in having someone with you. - right! 15:46 And what is really, and I would like you to address it 15:50 for second, what is interesting is we in our rebellion, 15:55 in our acting out we don't think of what God says about 15:59 we need mother, father and the whole family thing. 16:02 We don't think about that because what we think is that 16:05 I can take care of it all. 16:06 And you're thinking of right now. 16:08 Before you are a parent you have no idea what being 16:12 a parent is, you've been a kid all this time and see what 16:15 your parents haven't done for you, and what you wish they 16:18 had done for you so in your mind you could do what they 16:20 didn't do and you can be better at this thing than they can. 16:23 Not a clue as to what is really going on. 16:26 They are not going to stay babies, one day one of them is 16:28 going to grow up and have their own opinion just like 16:30 I have mine and then what am I going to do? 16:32 But you're not thinking that at the time. 16:34 I saw a book one time and I just haven't even gone through 16:37 it totally but it was called 'Fields of the Fatherless.' 16:41 To me I think lot of us don't think past our own 16:48 personal needs, we don't think about what's going to 16:51 happen to this child with our decision. 16:55 So you have your baby. - yeah both of them. 16:58 Two sons. - 2 sons two years apart. 17:00 What were their names? - David and Boyd. 17:02 David was my first son and Boyd was my second son. 17:05 Exactly 2 years and two days apart, one on June 14 17:08 and one on June 16. 17:09 It was great, I loved being a mother and I love having 17:13 them, and they loved me back and I didn't have no worry 17:17 if anybody at love me or except it. 17:19 - filling some of those needs for you? 17:21 Yeah because I think what I realize in hindsight is that 17:25 parents need to be emotionally there for their kids. 17:28 My parents were never emotionally there for me so 17:31 I didn't even know I had emotional needs. 17:33 In turn I didn't know my kids had emotional needs. 17:36 So their emotional needs were not met either. 17:38 Because I didn't know you needed to do that part of 17:40 parenting, so it is a cycle that happens. 17:43 When you talk about it like what we are looking at, 17:47 even this whole season is that cycle. 17:49 When I start having the damage in my life, is I shut down 17:55 emotionally or intellectually I shut down. 17:57 My heart gets locked up, locked up so tight that I don't 18:01 respond in that way anymore. 18:03 And in your family the genera- tional thing is the emotional 18:06 thing was locked up, so they may love you and do the 18:09 right thing and all that stuff and you know it, 18:11 but emotionally you didn't get anything. 18:13 And usually with an alcoholic parent is they are so self 18:16 focused because of their addictions that they don't even 18:19 know how to really give in an honest way. - right! 18:22 And I know there is some alcoholic watching and screaming 18:26 at the set right now, but I know that is a blind spot 18:30 we have but your children do miss out in our addictions. 18:33 What you are saying is that I missed out, I missed out to 18:36 the point that I didn't even give it so the whole 18:38 generational stuff starts. 18:40 Yeah it starts and hurts me now because now that I've got 18:43 it, my kids already have the damage because they didn't 18:46 have it to give to them at that time. 18:48 I'm trying really hard now to make up for it and to reach 18:52 my grandchildren and try to nurture them and feel where 18:55 their minds are now. 18:56 Because kids couldn't say nothing when they were coming up 18:59 Your to be seen and not heard, so no matter how you 19:02 felt about something you didn't tell anybody because 19:05 you couldn't talk. 19:06 What I would like to do because I think it's a great 19:10 time to just stop and take a break and come back and actually 19:13 get into now how did that step into the lives of your 19:17 parenting to your children? 19:19 So we are great go ahead and take a break because what is 19:22 really incredible to me is that somebody has to blink, 19:25 somebody has to do recovery, somebody is going to 19:27 actually do the hard work. 19:29 If you don't do it your children will do it, and if 19:32 they don't do it their children won't do it but everybody 19:34 gets trashed until somebody says I'll do it. 19:37 I don't care how hard it is, I don't care what I have to 19:41 look at, I don't care what I have to ask, who I have to 19:44 ask, how I have processed this, but it stops with me. 19:48 And when it stops with you your legacy, what you pass on 19:52 is actually good stuff, it's good stuff. 19:55 Stay with us we will be right back! |
Revised 2014-12-17