Participants: Cheri Peters (Host), Ashley Desormeau
Series Code: CLR
Program Code: CLR00088A
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00:11 Welcome to Celebrating Life In Recovery, I'm Cheri your
00:13 host and today we're going to talk about rejection and 00:16 everything that comes with that when we spin out of 00:20 control and how God just grabs us and brings us to 00:23 recovery, it's amazing. 00:24 Come join us in the café. 00:54 This season is one of my absolute favorites because we're 00:57 talking about core recovery stuff. 01:00 In this particular program we are going to talk about not 01:04 only what the addiction looks like, because the addiction 01:08 looks like an addiction, drugs, alcohol, acting out, with 01:12 relationships and doing all that stuff. 01:14 When you get into recovery the genius of what God offers 01:19 us is that He says let Me show you now what was at the 01:23 bottom of all that, and what led you to reach out 01:26 for those addictions. 01:27 For me I'm a molested kid, I have all that stuff and the 01:31 first time I did a drug and didn't feel pain I thought 01:35 Wahoo, I love this stuff. 01:38 It was for the first time something that worked, 01:41 the same with relationships. 01:42 When I got into relationships I felt that first couple 01:46 weeks you feel loved and everything is passionate and 01:49 they don't even remember your name half the time. 01:53 At least where I was running it wasn't about that for 01:56 anybody, but that first part of it where you are 01:59 everything thing to someone and that was what I was 02:02 addicted to and it all came from those core issues of 02:05 being rejected and not being loved, and being abused 02:08 and all that stuff. 02:09 When you get into looking at a true healing, it's not only 02:14 about walking out a what has got you by the throat, or 02:18 what really has tripped you up for worse it's looking at 02:22 and asking the Holy Spirit show me everything. 02:26 Show me everything, I want to see it all. 02:28 When I see it teach me how to surrender it. 02:31 Teach me how to surrender the negative thoughts, there 02:36 wasn't a day that I didn't have thoughts of suicide or 02:40 worthlessness or if somebody really knew me, 02:43 they wouldn't even want me here. 02:45 Or I would say something and it would be funny and 02:48 I would say that was dumb. 02:49 I would say that to myself and it was this running 02:52 dialogue of this negative stuff. 02:54 It was fine when I was high because when I decided to 02:57 smoke a joint or do some drugs or take a drink or 02:59 whatever and all that will go away. 03:01 Or someone would fall in love with me and all that was 03:03 gone, but as soon as I got quiet or by myself again 03:06 those thoughts just start going, and they are relentless, 03:10 I mean relentless, and some of you know exactly what 03:13 I'm talking about, it's like the whole room could be 03:16 looking together and I'm thinking I wish I was like them. 03:20 I wish I could walk in the room and do it as easy as she 03:23 does it or I wish I had the friendships in the family that 03:27 he has. For that negative thinking always follows us. 03:32 If you are a rejected kid and have those issues you will 03:38 have a number of things that will not let you go until 03:42 you finally say, God what are they? What are they? 03:46 A lot of times we have to really look at them, we have to 03:50 find a way to surrender them to God. 03:52 What the coolest thing is as they leave and as you get 03:58 some peace and silence is that God puts in their place 04:03 just good stuff, good stuff. 04:07 All of a sudden one day I remember the first time I felt 04:10 like I was really was loved by God, not something that's 04:13 going to last two weeks, not something that's going to 04:16 leave but I was loved and lovable. 04:20 I was, shut up, how fun is that? 04:23 Just stop, I couldn't even stand it. 04:25 As I got that I realized that I could stand up 04:29 straighter, I could be in a friendship, I could bring 04:33 something to the table in relationships. 04:35 All of a sudden all this junk was, He said let me clear 04:39 the table for you and let Me show you who I really 04:42 created you to be, and I'm telling you it is all good. 04:45 We are going to talk about that especially today. 04:47 I want to welcome Ashley, you are from McBride Canada? 04:51 Yes, a small town. - We met a couple years ago. 04:54 Yes we did. - and as I'm talking about what these 04:57 programs are about, can you relate to any of that stuff? 05:00 It is funny that you say that because even though like 05:04 I watched this first show probably four years ago, and 05:08 it wasn't a topic that had necessarily to do with anything 05:11 with what I have been going through. 05:13 There was something I could pull out of it that did 05:17 pertain to my life and I knew the first time I watched 05:20 that show that I had to meet you someday. 05:22 I actually said that out loud. 05:24 In my house it is just me and my dog and I was like, 05:29 God I have to meet that woman someday. 05:30 Someday, well what I love about that is because there's 05:34 a lot people won't get that. I have felt that in my own 05:36 life about someone is that I think your heart cry was 05:39 you wanted to be in recovery, I want to have that 05:42 journey where I can get rid of this stuff. 05:44 We did met a couple years ago so before we get into 05:49 why I brought you here because I brought you here for a 05:52 specific reason to share your journey with us. 05:55 I love the fact of how God pulls people together. 05:58 We cannot do recovery by ourselves. 06:02 I want to tell a story before we get into that. 06:03 If you were blind, just imagine you are blind and you 06:08 live by yourself, you were talking about you and your dog 06:13 there watching movie, or the program. 06:17 But let's say you are blind and you live by yourself. 06:19 I can kind of straight up the house, and you know what 06:22 I mean? I know that this is a table and where it fits 06:25 and stuff like that. 06:26 I have gotten used to things in the house so I can kind 06:29 of straight up but I am blind. Right? 06:31 I really need to call someone that is sighted to help me 06:36 out, especially with stuff that gets in the corners. 06:40 The things that are not as easy to see and cleanup, 06:44 well I can't see, you know what I mean I can't see. 06:47 So my sighted friend can help me with that. 06:50 In our recovery, we are blind when we first walked in. 06:54 You saw the Celebrating Life In Recovery program and 06:58 there were a lot of things you were totally blind to. 07:01 I was credible to be a part of Ashley's life 07:04 before we even met was we were like the sighted friend 07:08 that came in and said let me show you some stuff. 07:11 Then we met, man there was alot of stuff, Ashley get over here. 07:15 There was a lot more stuff than I really thought there 07:19 was actually, I want to tell how we met for sure 07:23 because it is huge in the recovery process that 07:28 I have been going through. 07:29 I had gone to Esther Martins were you stayed at the first 07:33 time and I said I was watching the show and 07:36 I have to meet her. 07:37 She said all we are working on it don't worry. 07:40 I think it was probably two months later that I saw in the 07:43 bulletin that you are coming to McBride and I'm like oh no. 07:48 I wanted to meet her someday but I think it would happen. 07:52 Just because I said a lot like to meet a famous person 07:57 someday and before and. - did she say famous? 08:00 I love that. - so it was just like you never think it is 08:06 actually going to happen. 08:07 It did and it was so crazy because the day that you showed 08:12 up in McBride and I came with my friend to your show, 08:16 or the program you had that evening in the town. 08:19 I went there and I knew I needed to talk to you but I was 08:23 too scared, I was like no I'm not dealing with my junk, 08:27 I'm just not going to. 08:28 I prayed inside and said okay God, if you use Your will 08:32 I need to talk to her she is going to have to come to me 08:35 because I am too chicken to go. 08:36 And sure enough at the end of the program a bunch of 08:40 people had left and my friend and I were standing at the 08:43 back and you just out of the blue turnaround and said 08:46 now what is your story? 08:48 I'm like aught oh, here we go. 08:51 But it was amazing to me, what I love about God is that 08:55 He does that for us. 08:56 We are in a place of recovery, and that is for any of us, 08:59 when we are in a place of recovery and we open ourselves 09:02 up to the Holy Spirit, the Holy Spirit says whatever you 09:04 need I will set it in front of you. 09:06 Whether it is a crazy heroine addict in recovery or 09:09 whether it is somebody, it doesn't matter. 09:11 God said I will set that person in front of you because 09:14 I love you and it was so clear when we started talking. 09:17 I said, let's go back to where I was staying and we stayed 09:20 up all night long - it was one in the morning talking. 09:24 It was crazy and you know it's funny because I started 09:28 talking to you about some of things because those were the 09:31 things I thought were the real issue. 09:33 It was like I was completely blinded by it thinking that 09:38 nothing else happened it was just this. 09:41 So I opened up to you to that night ended up down the road 09:46 being a little more than that. 09:48 What was amazing to me was that as you started your 09:52 journey where you opened up I watched God just capture 09:56 your heart and it reminded me of Jeremiah 29:11 where 09:59 it talks about, and I know that is your favorite, 10:02 your favorite text. 10:03 But it talks about I know the plans that I have for you, 10:07 plans to prosper you and not to harm you, to give you 10:11 hope and a future, but it goes on to say in like 13 is 10:15 that when you search for Me with all your heart you will 10:18 find Me and a lot of people when they read that it is 10:22 almost like they think what to search mean? 10:24 Does that mean when God thinks I'm honest enough in my 10:27 search? When God thinks I worked hard enough? I'm diligently 10:31 searching, when it says with all my heart. 10:34 I think it means when you fall in love with Me, 10:37 when you're heart opens up to Me. 10:39 It's a heart search, it's no longer a head search and 10:42 that night I watched you go from your head to your heart. 10:46 I just thought no way, I watched. 10:50 What was amazing to me Ashley, because I think you are 10:54 amazing, I love you and I love your talent and I love who you 10:57 are as a person, but what I saw was this hardness in-your- 11:01 face turn soft. - and I felt it, I really did. 11:05 It was the next evening after the church service and stuff 11:09 that we were doing the anointing ceremony that after that 11:14 that I really felt okay, alright I'm a little scared but 11:18 let's go on this journey. 11:20 You are really doing the whole God thing before? 11:24 Well I was playing the part I guess. 11:26 I was sitting in church and raised Adventist most of my 11:30 life and been to church most of my life, I spent six 11:34 years out of church partying and doing things and stuff 11:38 like that that you know not wanting God and submerging 11:42 myself and things that God couldn't be a part of. 11:45 But He was still always there. That is the crazy part. 11:49 It's just amazing that He's there. 11:54 So what that night did for you I watched and listened 11:57 because we have been in contact since that night, but 12:01 I have watched and listened as God became a part of your 12:05 life everyday, it was like this journey is a journey 12:09 with God and I with Holy Spirit. 12:11 Yeah exactly and even though I had been growing up in 12:15 church, I had never actually really felt God there. 12:18 It never really felt real to me, it was going through 12:22 the motions and sometimes I think it seems like it is 12:26 easier if you have never been in church to come then to 12:29 be raised in it and not feel like you are actually 12:33 a part of it and you feel like a hypocrite. 12:35 To know all the words - yet know all the words but not 12:39 really feel it and really believe it in yourself. 12:41 You know you hear God say I love you and not believe it. 12:44 It's just like I will go to church because that's what 12:47 we do. - there's things that I know about you that 12:51 I want to bring in, or bring that to the table too. 12:55 You are hearing God saying I will never leave or forsake 12:58 you or any of that stuff, as your dad is leaving. 13:01 So you have had rejection from the time you were tiny. 13:04 So even talk about that, you are in church and hearing 13:07 all the right words but your life is not reflecting 13:09 anything right. - no it is not. 13:11 Because every girl wants their dad to be a part of their 13:15 life and it's hard because I have always dreamed of 13:20 getting married someday and having him walk 13:22 me down the aisle. 13:24 And when you hear people say God is your Father, 13:28 I didn't want to hear it, it was no because my dads like 13:32 no I don't want to hear it, I don't want to hear 13:35 the word father thank you because I had to start 13:38 relating to God more as a friend then a father at first. 13:42 It was just too painful because even though you have all 13:46 the promises, people are you having His promises just 13:49 believe them and you can't if you have had nothing but 13:53 broken promises your whole life. 13:56 Even hearing God's promises is like well He's going to 14:00 let me down because everybody else has. 14:02 When is that shoe going to drop? - Yeah, Exactly. 14:06 Growing up without a father was really hard because I 14:11 never really felt good enough, never really felt like 14:16 I really mattered that much. 14:18 I remember you saying one time, When am I going to be 14:21 enough and I remember you saying that and the sadness 14:24 of this incredible woman, saying when am I? 14:30 When is it going to happen for me? 14:31 Until recently, a few months ago were my dad again, 14:35 things have been going so well for the last year and 14:39 a half and he would call me when he came to town and 14:43 we would hang out and he would let me money to do things. 14:46 To help out with stuff and things were, were so amazing 14:49 and I had actually let those walls down and let him 14:51 completely in to the point where it was scary. 14:57 I wanted it to be so real and then that all came crashing 15:00 down I noticed a few months ago because he wrote me another 15:04 letter saying that he didn't feel I appreciated him. 15:08 - I'm cutting you out of my life! 15:09 - yeah exactly and I'm just going to cut everybody out 15:13 of my life and yourself included. 15:15 You know I couldn't breathe, I was at my grandmas house 15:21 I had to go home, I just had to go home and I was laying 15:26 there at home and feeling tempted to cut and stuff like 15:31 that and something told me Ashley - you went by that 15:35 really fast and nobody knows what cutting means. 15:39 So tell them your history of that. 15:41 With cutting I started cutting when I was in high school, 15:45 not very often. - what does cutting mean? 15:48 I would take a knife and start cutting on me and 15:54 I've got scars are my arms and stuff. 15:56 Because I wanted the emotional pain to go away, I wanted 16:00 to feel something physical, something real, 16:03 am I really still alive so to see myself bleed 16:06 it meant I was alive. 16:08 Then that peace that came out of that, I know it sounds 16:12 weird. - it sounds weird but a lot of people want to 16:17 understand what does that mean for someone? 16:21 I love your description, I don't feel real, and I don't 16:25 feel real enough and I don't feel, I don't feel. 16:28 When I cut, when I see that blood at least I know that 16:34 I am real, I am alive. - exactly, exactly. 16:39 So when going back with what happened with my dad 16:43 recently here I had that temptation again to cut and 16:47 then goodness like six years before the last time and 16:52 I was laying there and say God where do I start being 16:55 good enough. He just whispered Ashley you have always 16:59 been good enough for Me, always! 17:02 - what did that do to your heart? 17:05 I just had this peace and all of a sudden, it was like I 17:10 actually gotten to the point finally where I felt okay. 17:16 He is real, He is really who He says He is. 17:20 It was like God is not going to let me down, even if 17:23 everybody else does He won't, He won't 17:25 He's always going to be there. 17:27 I went to our Vespers program after that and the support 17:31 I had was just amazing, I had always before I'm going to 17:36 do this on my own so I would pretend I was okay. 17:39 People would ask me how are you doing and I would say, 17:42 oh I am good and inside I like do you really want to know? 17:45 You really don't right? 17:47 Even though I really want is to tell people I just 17:49 wouldn't, - you didn't share anything - know I wouldn't. 17:53 I wouldn't tell anybody anything and I felt like I was 17:56 suffocating in doing that. 17:58 Even if I told God wasn't enough, it just wasn't enough. 18:02 So I went back to the church and I told a couple friends 18:05 of mine what was going on and I talked with them and 18:09 prayed with them and I went home feeling so much better. 18:13 She went over that way too fast because I know not only 18:18 did you decide to open up to friends and let them into 18:22 your space, they then opened up to you and this entire 18:26 group stood up and started ministering to each other. 18:29 The group that you have been worshiping with for ever but 18:33 nobody ever talked to anybody. - no nobody did. 18:35 You know that is the amazing thing about recovery and 18:38 going through this ride that I have been on is that like 18:42 all this time I see these people in my church and I would 18:45 be like oh they have it together and I can only wish 18:48 to be like them someday. 18:50 The more I opened up the more they opened up, and the 18:54 more we met in the middle we realized woe we're all 18:59 hurting people here and it was just like you start to 19:03 see people in a different light. - and it becomes real. 19:06 - it does. It becomes very real and you help each other 19:10 through your problems and you are there to support each 19:13 other. - what I loved it that think I got it either the 19:17 next time I went out McBride and you told me that you are 19:21 not going to believe this Cheri but I'm leading a little 19:24 ministry group and I thought oh shut up, that is the 19:28 coolest thing I'd heard. 19:30 Because I knew, when we spent that evening together 19:33 I look at you and thought if she ever got sold out for 19:37 God she is going to bless someone, and you were. 19:40 The church had actually asked me if I would be the social 19:43 committee ministry leader? I was like whoa are 19:47 you kidding me, my social idea, when they told me 19:51 I would be planning parties, I'm thinking oh boy the 19:54 parties I want to plan your not want to going to have. 19:57 - I'm still recovering - I don't want to go there. 20:01 But I really felt God say no, it's okay, I'm going to 20:05 go with you on it. - I'm going to go with you and 20:08 I'm actually going to teach you to do it in a way that 20:11 is healthy - oh exactly. - Teach you to laugh out loud 20:13 in a way that is healthy. - Exactly. 20:15 No Coke, no cutting no anything. - no nothing. 20:18 You know the thing is like being the social committee leader has 20:24 been huge, I mean I've always been a follower most of my 20:28 life, all through playing hockey it was like people knew 20:31 I was to go to person when we needed a goal go to Ashley, 20:35 send her out or whatever. 20:36 I always felt like even though people felt that in me 20:40 I couldn't believe that in myself, I have never felt 20:45 like a leader, ever. 20:46 So when they asked me to take on that role I was like are 20:49 you kidding me? Okay and I actually prayed about it for 20:53 a couple of days before I said yes, but I felt God saying 20:57 it was okay so last year was the first year that I did it 21:00 and I am again this year. 21:02 The route I want to go with it is alot of times social 21:07 committees tend to be for a church, bring the church 21:12 together and stuff which is important, it is really good, 21:15 but I want to be more than that. 21:17 I wanted to be a tool for all the people who have left the 21:21 church to come and see that yet we still have fun together 21:24 and it is not just sitting there - you can actually be real here. 21:28 - we can be real together and hang out together 21:30 and just be friends and really use it as a ministry tool. 21:35 One thing that I know and for a lot of us in our recovery 21:40 is that we have never been able to just be friends 21:42 because of our damage so our heart longs for that. 21:45 And it should happen in the building, if it happens in the 21:49 building there is something incredibly healing about that. 21:53 So we are going to take a break and come back but not now. 21:56 I want to first talk about that there is a couple things 21:59 that God during that time asked you to give up and they 22:02 were huge things for you because it is where you got all 22:05 of your affirmation and all of your good stuff. 22:11 After you had come to McBride the first time, it started 22:18 a little bit before, probably two months before. 22:22 Acts For Christ that year was Edmonton and I went out and took 22:26 part in Ty Gibson weekend thing about relationships. 22:31 Some of things I was hearing was like whoa, are you kidding me? 22:36 I was actually in a relationship no sorry I had just gotten 22:40 out of a relationship that I was in like a month before 22:43 that and I had questioned did I do the right thing? 22:47 Did I just push him away because of my trust issues with 22:51 men? Was it really like should have I let him go? 22:56 I got that affirmation that weekend from hearing Ty Gibson 23:00 and all the things that a relationship should have and 23:04 seeing that none of those were really there. 23:07 It was like okay I did the right thing 23:10 and that started it. 23:12 I think it was two weeks before you came to McBride 23:15 I went on a hockey tournament - because you have played 23:18 hockey your whole life? - I played hockey since 23:21 I was 13 years old and I'm not just talking playing 23:24 hockey, I slept it, I watched it, I traded hockey cards, 23:28 I did hockey, hockey everything so we played outside. 23:32 I lived at the rink pretty much, it was like my second 23:36 home really and I was good at it. 23:40 It was one thing that I knew I was good at. 23:42 That was the one and only thing I thought that I had 23:45 all this time. 23:47 And when I went to that hockey tournament I realized 23:51 that I had to let it go and it was so crazy. 23:57 - I don't think I fit anywhere else and I fit right here. 24:02 Exactly an even though music had started had always been a 24:07 thing for me, I still didn't believe I was really that good. 24:11 Hockey was the one thing I knew I could do. 24:14 It was like okay you're going to take this away? Oh no. 24:19 Everyone reminds me of this is going to sound so 24:22 ridiculous, but it reminds me of when Moses said I don't 24:25 have anything and He said what is in your hand? 24:27 So I have decided that weekend, I had let the team know, 24:33 that week end I had to stop. 24:36 God used a tendon injury to help me reaffirm my re-injured tendon 24:44 playing baseball and I pulled the Achilles' tendon and 24:47 ended up getting tendinitis out of it so it was just 24:51 painful to walk even sometimes in the morning. 24:54 So I made the choice to not play hockey for that year 24:58 and that is when everything just started to come out. 25:02 Like you wouldn't believe it was just, I hadn't realized 25:05 how much stuff that I had. 25:07 So we are going to take a break and what I want you to 25:10 hear from that or think about in your own life is that 25:13 sometimes what ever we used to mask everything really 25:17 works or else we wouldn't use it. 25:19 Hockey worked for Ashley, for me it was drugs that work 25:22 for me and somebody else it might be sexual stuff that 25:26 works for them or whatever or porn addiction or whatever. 25:29 But whatever works for us when all of a sudden I surrender 25:33 that I'm telling you what is under the surface is scary. 25:36 We will be right back, stay with us! |
Revised 2014-12-17