Participants: Cheri Peters (Host), Jennifer Jill Schwirzer
Series Code: CLR
Program Code: CLR00091B
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00:14 Welcome back, you were here with Jennifer's Schwirzer and
00:17 we are talking about her life and the things that happened 00:21 to her along the journey. 00:22 The reason we are talking about that is that we don't go 00:25 down with one event. 00:28 We really sometimes go all the way from our birth and get 00:32 hit with different things that eventually we take a fall. 00:35 I really believe there is a God, I really believe there 00:39 is a devil and I think strategically we are sometimes 00:42 studied, where are our weak areas? 00:45 Where can charges be set and when the devil takes us down 00:48 he takes us down easily with our natural leans in one 00:52 direction or another. 00:53 But what recovery does, it says let me strengthen those 00:57 areas in your life so you don't go down with those. 01:00 You look at them and deal with them and surrender them 01:04 and you learn from them. 01:05 You minister with your weak points, but it doesn't take 01:08 you down and that's why I think the most 01:10 incredible thing is. 01:11 If you're watching and thinking about your own stuff 01:14 good, you have to hang with us during this part of the 01:17 interview because this part is the good part. 01:18 Is Jennifer when we left on break we were talking about 01:22 all the different things that lead you to the point where 01:26 you are now finding in relationships in school what 01:30 you longed for your whole life. 01:33 So now you are doing drugs, you're in relationships, 01:36 you still are probably doing good in school 01:40 because you were bright, you are one of the brightest 01:42 women that I know is far as I have seen you study over 01:45 the years, I've seen you write some of the stuff you put 01:48 together is brilliant even in your own recovery. 01:50 So I know that probably even in that high school 01:53 academic realm you did well. 01:55 I've always been kind of a nerd. 01:58 I'm saying you're bright and you're saying you're a nerd. 02:00 What is wrong with that picture? 02:02 Well anyway, so yeah I'm in this relationship in high 02:06 school and everything went on for three years basically 02:09 and in the middle of it he broke up with me and my heart 02:12 is broken and I went into deep depression. 02:13 Then we ended up getting back together and I broke up 02:16 with him the second time, not in retaliation but just 02:19 because I actually lost interest in him which 02:21 I thought never would happen, that was toward 02:24 the end of high school. 02:25 Then I began my journey post-high school leaving my 02:27 parents home and going to college. 02:29 First-year college was experimenting with a lot of 02:33 different religions and I got deep into New Age religion 02:36 deep into their teachings. - what does that look like? 02:38 I had originally been introduced into eastern 02:43 religions through my back Doctor who told me to do yoga because 02:46 I have a curvature of the spine. 02:47 My back is never bothered me but he told me I needed to 02:49 do this so I could strengthen my back. 02:52 So I started reading on yoga and ended up meditating. 02:55 So I was like you said kind of a hippie, into meditation, 02:58 and then yoga and all this stuff. 03:00 I was experimenting with these New Age religions and 03:03 my first year of college, I was at a college that was an 03:06 alternative school where the nonconformists of the world 03:10 came and kids ended up studying whatever they wanted 03:13 to study pretty much. 03:14 There was a fairly strong witch and warlock contingency 03:18 at the school and there was a real strong lesbian 03:20 feminist movement so there was all these 03:22 really edgy people. 03:24 What people do not realize is that out of those 03:27 environments, a lot of people in those environments come 03:29 from their pain and their dysfunction but they study 03:32 things out, what philosophies were and what they 03:35 underlying thing was and I think we are seduced into 03:38 those kinds of things because of our junk. 03:41 Each of these religions has a philosophy or theology 03:43 behind them and it is for someone who likes to read 03:46 and likes to think, it is very attractive. 03:48 I was very disciplined and would get up every morning 03:51 and meditate, I was more disciplined about meditation 03:54 then I am now about prayer. 03:55 I would get up meditate in front of my Terrarium every 03:58 morning, and count on beads, but after a year of that I 04:01 realized I was still very lonely and so it was this gap between 04:06 how spiritual I thought I was, but then my basic heart needs 04:10 were not met. - what's interesting to me is when 04:13 I look at people and their recovery and myself in my 04:15 recovery is that a lot of fixes if they are not real they have 04:23 a grief reaction attached to them. 04:25 Because everything in the fix says that I found it and 04:29 this should meet all my needs, but when I am in my quiet 04:33 moment I am grieved because, am I not just doing it right? 04:37 It's like the philosophy that was being put across to me was 04:40 if you just do this long enough and hard enough you should 04:42 be fine and I was doing long, and I was doing it hard 04:45 and being really disciplined and I was still broken. 04:48 So that it became something wrong with me and it further 04:51 increased my sense of isolation you know. 04:53 What's really, I have a friend that is amazing, very 04:57 bright, very incredible and she is like you in that way. 05:01 She has this altar set up where she has a cool gong and 05:05 she hits it and it makes a certain noise and resonates and 05:10 then she goes into meditation or whatever. 05:12 She has all this stuff, even little idols that she has 05:16 the gods and all that stuff, but these are just made out 05:21 of wood so there is a point in her quiet time that she 05:25 knows that this is just a piece of wood and I am dying 05:29 inside and that's what I mean is that those things that 05:32 promise to fix us, mine was heroin which was much more 05:35 reliable than that piece of wood, because 05:38 I had a physical change right away. 05:40 It's like when we reach out to something that actually is 05:44 not real, it is not going to work, is that the grief that 05:48 happens on the underlying foundation, that is a deep 05:51 sadness, a deep grief. 05:53 I remember one evening going out and meditating by a pond. 05:56 I lived in the countryside of Michigan and was going to 05:59 the school and I lived in a farmhouse, anyway I went out 06:01 to meditate and listen to the crickets. 06:03 I sat by the pond and if you sit there long enough they 06:05 are going to start chirping again because they have gotten 06:08 used to you, the sound was overwhelming. 06:11 I thought if this doesn't help me reach nirvana or 06:14 whatever it was nothing will. 06:16 I got up and I remember getting up afterward and realized 06:19 I was no different and my heart was still empty. 06:22 I was walking home along this country road and I look up 06:24 into the sky and there was these beautiful stars, because 06:27 it's out of the country, it wasn't that I heard an audible 06:29 voice, but it was almost audible and said I forgive you. 06:32 And suddenly I knew there was a God. 06:34 Were you going to give me a high five? 06:35 - I was just saying Amen. Just praise God on that. 06:38 Because God says please look here because I'm real. 06:41 Then I ended up in a little Pentecostal Church that 06:43 I could walk to because I didn't have a car and it was 06:46 like within walking distance of this home in the country. 06:48 So I would walk there and they would be - Wahoo. 06:54 I'm a vegetarian right and I'm into reincarnation, or at 06:57 least I was, and this Pastor got up and he was obviously 07:00 not very healthy, he was very large and he said when 07:02 we all get to heaven were going to go out and have 07:04 a big thick juicy steak. 07:06 I was like what? I'm already a vegetarian. 07:09 So then I felt like he had to eat meat again if I was 07:10 going to be a Christian and I went home and tried to eat 07:12 some meat and I remember not liking it. 07:15 It is so funny when I hear people say I had to give up 07:17 meat, I wanted to be a vegetarian and be healthier so 07:20 I had to give up meat and I did the exact opposite. 07:24 So I became a Christian in the midst of all that and 07:27 started witnessing to my friends. 07:29 Was there a sense, because I'm following you on the last 07:33 segment and this segment and my heart breaks for this 07:36 child that is just like you want to fit in somewhere, 07:39 and I just want to be loved and to find that space. 07:42 When you became a Christian and when you were quiet with 07:45 God in your alone time what did it feel like to know you 07:47 really for a moment found that space? 07:50 If the peace that passes all understanding. 07:52 I felt Okay, I felt loved, I knew I was loved and I couldn't 07:58 keep it to myself. 07:59 I was in the midst of witches, warlocks and lesbians 08:03 and these people were not particularly opened to 08:07 Jesus saves and Jesus is the only one. - Stop! Shut up! 08:09 So I had people cursing me out and hanging up the phone 08:12 or people not even speaking to me, but amazingly a few of 08:15 my friends ended up tracking with me for awhile. 08:19 There was little community about 30 miles away that was 08:23 run by Seventh-day Adventist. 08:24 Seventh-day Adventist are vegetarians, some of them. 08:27 So I ended up going to their community and eating their free 08:31 vegetarian food, because they were handing out food and 08:34 it was really good for a college student. 08:35 So a couple of my friends and I ended up moving there. 08:39 Going from that environment of witches, warlocks and 08:44 lesbians feminist to straight laced, and this particular 08:49 ministry was really pretty fanatical in some respects. 08:53 In terms of how strict they were about certain things so 08:56 the women had to all wear really long dresses and the men 09:00 well it was very strict. 09:02 Very focused on the rules overall, but somehow in the 09:06 midst of that I cultivated my relationship with Jesus. 09:09 But there were other dynamics going on, like I remember 09:12 waking up every morning and feeling the sense of 09:14 condemnation. - oh, so you're back under pressure? 09:17 Yeah because the girls were so sweet and perfect. 09:20 Like Little House on the Prairie with her hair in a bun, 09:23 my hair's never been, it's got a will of 09:25 its own my whole life. 09:27 It's like feeling, like I was so crass compared to them. 09:30 I would accidentally say let's go to Sunday school and 09:34 little kids go, it's Sabbath school. 09:38 I would feel so inferior you know and I couldn't get a 09:44 grip - I just want to say God so forgive us. 09:47 So I felt like a misfit there but I found one thing that 09:50 I could do that would give me an edge and make me feel 09:54 like it was okay. 09:55 That was to basically starve myself, so I stopped eating 10:00 very much and became full-blown anorexic within a few 10:04 months of being there. 10:05 In that environment where people are trying to work their 10:08 way to heaven and they are using nutritional food and that 10:12 sounds like what you fell into, is that for you to 10:16 eat really well and looks good, they don't look at 10:20 I think she might be in trouble. 10:22 Well I figured if eating a Spartan diet is good then 10:26 eating even less is better and so I thought this is the way 10:29 to become more holy, and this is the way to get rid of this 10:32 gnawing sense of condemnation inside of me. 10:35 It sort of worked because when you don't eat well it 10:39 spaces you out and it really takes, it reduces who 10:43 you are as a person really. 10:44 Your brain doesn't work well as well and your emotions, 10:46 you don't do anything your body doesn't do anything that 10:49 isn't absolutely necessary for survival when you're 10:52 starving so there I was almost like a drug high, 10:55 because of low blood sugar and feeling really spiritual. 10:59 But it wasn't true spirituality. 11:00 So then what happened was people warned me and 11:04 they didn't like what I was doing to their credit, 11:06 as much as it was legalistic environment there were 11:09 people that were really caring and good people, 11:11 they were like you are on a bad track here. 11:13 My mother was very concerned and sent me to a couple of 11:18 therapists, one I just argued, he was a Christian, 11:20 I just argued doctrine with him the whole time. 11:23 The other one I went in, I remember him telling me he was 11:26 frightened of me because I don't know why, I weighed 95 11:29 pounds and it was like why are you afraid of me? 11:32 And that is what he left me with, so neither of those 11:34 really worked out. 11:35 Can I just ask you because there are a lot of people 11:38 watching, a lot of people I work with that have jumped 11:40 into bulimia or anorexia. 11:42 That slide into that, can you explain to us and those in 11:47 the café will kind of things goes through your mind to 11:53 rationalize that slide to make it okay? 11:55 Yeah, well it is another self fix like we were talking 11:59 about before, everything we do to try fix that sense of 12:02 condemnation we have ends up making it worse in the long run. 12:06 I just transferred from sex, drugs, and rock 'n roll to 12:09 an eating disorder once I became a Christian. 12:12 So I don't know if that was your question. 12:14 You know like in our minds - how do you rationalize it? 12:17 How do you rationalize it, what kind of thoughts go 12:20 through your head? 12:22 There were text, things that are read that seemed to 12:25 validate what I was doing and the fact that 12:29 I felt more spiritual it really did give me 12:32 a temporary sense of freedom. 12:34 A lot of people that are looking at these eating disorders 12:40 there is a time that it is health, actually seems to work. 12:45 There is that time that I'm getting all those toxins out 12:49 of my body and I am cleaning up and I am healthier and all 12:52 that stuff and then it goes into where my body is dying. 12:56 Well here's something really practical to be really 12:59 blunt, I had always had trouble with relationships when 13:02 I was a teenager and getting into relationships. 13:04 Now I had no sex drive, so the first thing that goes when 13:07 not eating is your sex drive, it goes out the window so it 13:10 was like great this is what I wanted. 13:12 I have control even here. - I have no more problems. 13:18 Even for folks that have been sexually abused, when that 13:23 goes for them eating disorders they feel safer. 13:26 So really the dynamics and the rationalization and the 13:30 things they get set up in your head, the negative 13:34 thinking goes all the way down to basic survival so 13:37 I don't have a thousand things that are tormenting me. 13:40 I have one thing. - that is so true of eating disorders 13:43 the simplifying, the way of simplifying life. 13:46 If I could just be this thin, and eat this much, 13:50 and weight this much then I am okay. 13:52 So it is a self reduction thing where you to reduce 13:55 yourself down to one simple thing. 13:58 It really cuts across how complex and really our potential 14:02 as human beings. - but for our torment, what a relief. 14:06 - it was a relief. - it feels like such a relief. 14:08 People try to make a really complicated during all that 14:13 time of setting this up is that it is not it gets more 14:17 complicated, it actually gets more simple. 14:19 It becomes all about one piece of food that I'm going 14:23 to eat, whatever it is you choose and I'm going to 14:26 choose that one thing. 14:28 For some people it is a bagel and a glass of orange juice 14:32 I'm going to eat that everyday. 14:33 I mean it gets real simple. - yeah, yeah. 14:35 So yeah here I am skin and bones and actually at my lowest 14:39 weight I was 85 pounds. - wow, how tall are you? 14:43 I'm 5'6" and I hover around 110 so I am a thin person and 14:47 that complicates the issue because I wrote a book on this, 14:51 I'm afraid people - Dying To Be Beautiful? 14:55 - yet dying to be beautiful and I'm afraid people will 14:58 look at me and assume I am still suffering but I actually 15:01 went on for about three years and then I haven't had any 15:03 dealings with its since and have no desire to go back. 15:06 I eat high calorie food whenever I get a chance, I just 15:09 happened to be the body type that is ectomorphic, 15:12 I just tend to be thin person. 15:15 Anyway in the midst of this I'm about 95 pounds and into 15:21 that place comes this man and he wants to court me, or to 15:28 date me and he has been through an eating disorder 15:30 himself. You know there's two kinds of anorexic one is 15:34 very related to fashion and people want to be thin and it 15:37 takes on a life of its own and they get emaciated. 15:40 Another one is spiritually focused and that was what 15:43 I was dealing with, I was trying to be holy not so much 15:45 thin but holy, it wasn't about fashion it was about being 15:48 spiritually fashionable - getting closer to God. 15:51 So he had been through some thing like that before he was 15:53 a Christian, he got involved in the eastern religious 15:55 cult, he almost died of starvation. 15:59 He was at this community type of thing and ate so little 16:04 that he ended up renting an apartment and collapsed on the 16:07 floor and couldn't eat it all, and couldn't get up and 16:11 a girl came and nursed him back to health with chicken broth 16:14 and he revived and lived through the experience 16:17 but he had been there. 16:18 So He saw me from a distance and he felt that God had called 16:21 him to, now this is an ideal situation, to date me 16:26 and like save me from this illness. 16:29 So we ended up courting and we courted for about six months 16:34 and after we got married I gained weight because for the 16:38 first time in my life I felt someone was there and 16:41 it was unconditional love. 16:44 What is really interesting and he saw me through all that 16:47 stuff, through all that junk is that for the first time, 16:50 because dad didn't see me, people at school didn't see me, 16:53 and finally somebody actually sees who I am. 16:55 Well and a lot of times when someone has an eating 16:57 disorder people gets so worried that they ride on the 17:00 person and they are constantly focusing on the eating 17:03 disorder and they reinforce that person's tendency to 17:06 over identify with their eating disorder. 17:09 So what Michael did was he saw me as a person. 17:12 He saw me as a whole person and I ended up becoming 17:14 the whole person that he saw me as. 17:17 Explain that a lot, or elaborate on that because for a 17:21 parent they are so afraid - I know they're terrified. 17:25 They're terrified because her child could die. 17:27 So the tendency is to focus on what they are eating or 17:30 what they are not eating and what they are doing or what 17:32 they're not doing instead of - weighting them all the 17:34 time - or trying to send them to different doctors and 17:37 all that can be good, but it can get to the place where 17:40 you are not addressing them as a person anymore. 17:43 I'm not seeing Joyce as Joyce, I'm seeing Joyce as 17:46 whatever problems she has. 17:47 I am reinforcing that tendency for her to think that, 17:51 that is all she is. 17:52 So when Michael saw me as a whole person he saw my 17:57 spirituality, he saw my potential, he was a bit older 18:02 than me so he was more mature but he saw me like a bud 18:06 about to bloom and when I saw myself through his eyes it 18:10 was very therapeutic and I think that is true of God. 18:14 He sees us as a finished product, if you take the word 18:18 in Christ and you Google it in the Bible you find every 18:22 verse that talks about in Christ or uses that phrase, 18:26 you will see that believers are literally scores of 18:30 things in Christ that they aren't right now. 18:32 But God sees us as complete in Christ because He knows 18:36 that eventually we will get there. 18:38 He now sees us that way Himself and when He looks at us He 18:41 sees this finished product and when we grab a hold of that 18:45 we can identify with who we will become and start to 18:48 become more like that. 18:49 So that is basically what happened in the context of 18:52 my relationship with my husband because he saw me as 18:54 a whole person, he was a tree planter. 18:57 So I had to cook over a fire and wash my clothes in the 19:01 creek - for a hippie that's good stuff. 19:06 I know it was perfect so I had to carry trees up, like he 19:08 would be on the mountain and doing tree planting and 19:10 I have to carry these seedlings up in a backpack 19:13 and mountains this steep so I had to be strong. 19:15 It forced me out of my skinny frail mode into someone 19:23 stronger and I started to idealize being strong. 19:28 Let me just ask you for people that have struggled with 19:32 eating disorders and an especially anorexia is being 19:35 able to say the journey coming back and learning to eat 19:39 again and all that, what was that like? 19:41 Because it is a journey. 19:43 It's true it is hard for me to eat and eat normally as 19:48 it is for someone who eats too much to eat less. 19:50 I know because your stomach is shrunk, you are not used 19:53 to handling that amount of food so I felt like I was 19:56 over eating. - you're talking about just a few bites? 20:00 It's not just the quantity of food, in fact anorexics 20:04 are great at getting a lot of volume and make 20:07 it look like they are eating a lot. 20:08 Oh look I'm eating tons but it's salad, carrots. 20:11 - tater tots? - no not tater tots it's stuff that 20:14 causes more to digest and more calories to digest than 20:17 you get from eating the food so it is stuff that is 20:20 super low in calories that's what anorexics do. 20:22 - even to me what is interesting about that disorder is 20:26 you are brilliant about food after a while - I know. 20:29 You know the calorie intake of everything. 20:32 Websites of people talking to each other about that stuff. 20:33 I used to study nutrition books and look at the calorie 20:36 content of everything so I would eat very low on the 20:38 calorie chain so to speak. 20:39 So but once I started eating regular food 20:42 I felt like I was indulging, it felt like overeating. 20:46 I had to walk over that feeling, I deal a lot with false 20:50 guilt in counseling. - talk about what that is for 20:54 somebody that doesn't know what all? 20:55 It's where you feel guilty about something 20:57 that isn't wrong. 20:58 In my case I felt guilty about eating normally thinking 21:02 that it was wrong. - and wrong on a deep level and 21:06 what somebody says they will look at you and say that's 21:09 ridiculous, everybody knows intellectually that it is 21:12 ridiculous, but I don't know. 21:14 But I was warped in my thinking so to me to be really 21:17 spiritual I had to eat this Spartan diet and if I would 21:19 eat more the man I would be losing my spirituality. 21:22 For somebody that's fashioned, if I eat anymore than that 21:25 I will never be pretty, I will never be. 21:29 So yeah I had to learn to walk over these feelings to say 21:32 this is normal and this is what I need to eat and I'm 21:36 going to eat it whether it feel guilty or not. 21:38 So I think a lot of believers fall into that false guilt 21:41 thing were I feel guilty, I must be guilty. 21:43 This must be wrong because I feel it is wrong. 21:46 What they need to do is to take that feeling and compare 21:49 with the Word of God and make sure that their balanced. 21:53 Now I want to say that Jennifer, that is the coolest thing 21:57 is that the Holy Spirit has a way of saying let's partner 22:01 up right now during this recovery time. 22:03 So how did God partner up? How did you confront your 22:07 lies with God, with your journey back spiritually. 22:11 Because spiritually everything gets trashed 22:14 when we get trashed. 22:15 I had to just admit I was wrong, I had to admit I was 22:19 fanatical which is really hard to do - ouch. 22:22 I had a go back and talk to the people who I had lied to 22:26 and said that I was fine when they knew I wasn't and I had 22:30 to say I was wrong and I had to tell people 22:33 I misrepresented Christianity to them. 22:36 I had a couple of friends, my boyfriend and a real close 22:39 girlfriend from high school came and visited me when I was 22:41 in the middle of the anorexia and they were looking at me 22:44 like what happened to you? I was this jolly person in 22:47 high school and here I am all skinny and real nervous. 22:50 I know it was a bad witness. 22:53 And your saying this is what God requires of me and I'm so 22:56 spiritual and they're like I don't want to be like that. 23:00 So I go and retrace my steps and tell people that was about 23:03 me and it wasn't about God. 23:05 - He didn't require this of me. - no He didn't require it. 23:08 In fact it broke His heart. - yeah exactly. 23:11 I had to go to my mom and say, it was hard to do but 23:13 I had to admit that she was right. 23:16 What did you say to her, because there are a lot of 23:19 parents dealing with this with their children? 23:22 I just said you were right, I'm sorry for what I put you 23:26 through, basically you did that out of love and I finally 23:29 recognized that this is more about me than it is about 23:32 God and I'm sorry I misrepresented my religion. 23:36 Then I started acting different- ly, I was so uptight when 23:41 I first became a Christian around my family because they 23:46 weren't where I was at and I couldn't do anything. 23:48 Now when I see my family I go as far as I can go without 23:52 actually bringing guilt upon myself, I'll just do 23:55 whatever they're doing within reason. - exactly. 23:57 Because no matter what, yours was food, but whether it's 24:02 a critical spirit, whether it's judgment, whether it's 24:06 anger, whether it is drugs, you know it could be anything. 24:10 You can have all these addictions that 24:11 we could hook on to. 24:13 Regardless of what it is we have to have that journey back. 24:16 We really do want to make amends to the people we love 24:21 as much as we can. Get some of those ends tied up. 24:26 Yeah, and like with my mom, all parents have a certain 24:29 amount of guilt, I know that now because I am a parent. 24:32 When your kids start having trouble you start blaming 24:35 yourself and so my mom was really broken by that 24:37 whole thing and it was really hard for her. 24:40 So I had to minister to that brokenness in her 24:42 and realize that she went through a lot. 24:45 It wasn't all about me, it was about her too, her 24:47 heart was broken when I was dealing with that. 24:49 Me being healthy was the nicest thing I can do for her. 24:53 Just laughing out loud and be more like my old self. 24:56 I love that because what you are saying that it isn't 25:00 really as simple as things got as you took it into your 25:03 addiction coming out keep it simple. 25:06 There is a thing of the 12 step program that says, 25:09 keep it simple stupid. I love that. 25:13 Some people would get really offended by that, 25:15 but we really do try to make it complicated. 25:18 When I can sit laugh out loud, when I can sit and enjoy 25:21 reconnecting with the people around me, without trying to 25:25 prove I'm this or that, I'm good enough or I'm not good enough, 25:28 or whatever when I can let all that go and let the Holy 25:32 Spirit just allow me to be in relationship, to be okay 25:35 in my own skin, that is the gift you give back 25:38 to the ones you love. 25:40 That's great, and now I notice when I'm around people who 25:42 have the same problem, I get really angry and I have to 25:45 take that to the Lord. Do you know what I mean? 25:47 - so explain what you mean. 25:48 Well when I am around people that is where I was at when 25:51 I was first going through this 25:53 - in denial, justify everything. 25:55 - trying the spiritual life - you're just jealous 25:57 because I'm skinny. - exactly, and when they are not 26:00 eating and I know they have a problem, I'm very inclined 26:03 to be hard on them and point it out and come down on them 26:06 because I was there and so I have to take that to the Lord 26:10 and be as gentle with them as my husband was with me. 26:13 So that is always challenging. 26:15 You know I can so relate to that, when I work with an 26:18 addict that just relapsed again I want to grab them by 26:21 the throat and God has to stop in and say I never grabbed 26:24 you by the throat. 26:25 I never did it's not who I am. 26:28 So it is that same kind of thing. 26:30 I want to just say I loved having you on the program, 26:33 I just loved having you on the program and I think your 26:37 journey is incredible and I know that we hit just one 26:39 area of your journey and there is a lot of different 26:42 areas we could have really focused on but thanks for 26:45 sharing this one and I would like you to stay with me 26:48 and actually come back for the close. 26:50 In the close there's a couple of things I want you to do. 26:54 I know people watching, there are people watching that had 26:58 these disorders that are locked in that. 27:00 They are starting to break denial but don't know 27:03 what to do and I want you to come back and talk 27:06 to them, is that okay? Sure absolutely! 27:08 Okay we are going to take a break and I have to say I am 27:12 proud of God, I just want to kiss Him on the face for how 27:15 He leads us in our journey. 27:16 Like how gentle He is with us in our crazy thinking. 27:20 We think that I'm just doing the right thing and what works 27:24 and we are starving to death, either emotionally, 27:26 spiritually, physically, we are close to death and God 27:29 says I'm still going to hang on to you. 27:31 I love you and I think that it's amazing. 27:34 We are going to come back, stay with us and think about 27:39 if you need anything from God just take it to Him, 27:42 just take it to Him. |
Revised 2014-12-17