Participants: David Asscherick & Shanda Ban (Host), Tyler Coleman
Series Code: E
Program Code: E000004
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00:19 Hello and welcome to Engage, my name is David Asscherick.
00:23 Our program today we are going to be connecting with 00:27 someone who is connected with Christ who then is 00:30 connected with his community. 00:32 And in our particular program today we are going to be 00:34 taking a look at the topic Securely Single. 00:38 So with me today is my co-host, Shandra Ban and so 00:42 we would like to introduce Shandra and she will be 00:44 introducing our guest a friend of hers. 00:46 An old friend of hers and a new friend of mine so thank 00:49 you for joining us today and welcome to the program. 00:51 Thanks David, will welcome back Tyler we had you on 00:54 a episode before and we are so thankful you are here. 00:57 Tyler has come from Sardinia Ontario Canada and 01:00 I am a fellow Canadian and that is why we go back to 01:03 our days at Canadian university College, 01:06 so thank you for being here Tyler. 01:07 I'm happy to be here. - the last time you were here 01:10 Tyler we were talking about hockey and about sport and 01:13 spirituality, not just about hockey but about sport and 01:16 spirituality and this time we are going to be talking 01:19 about being single but being secure in that singleness. 01:23 I hope you won't mind if we ever so, slightly poke 01:29 a little fun at you occasionally. Is that all right? 01:32 That's perfectly fine. - it seems like you can take it. 01:33 It's part of my French Shandra that she pokes fun of 01:37 me on a regular bases. 01:38 - It's is just part of the program okay. 01:39 It should come naturally. 01:41 - it'll come naturally for you maybe. 01:42 He's a little bigger than me so I'm a little nervous. 01:44 Oh he's a teddy bear. 01:45 Now before we get into the program itself what I would 01:47 like to do for our viewers and for us in the house here is 01:49 to set this up a little bit. 01:51 We would like to do is sort of look at a couple passages 01:54 that appear from a biblical perspective, maybe to some 01:58 being a kind of tension. 02:00 The first I will bring to your remembrance Genesis 1 02:04 and that is the creation account. 02:06 God creates there 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, and 6 days and in each 02:10 of those days He has this repeated phrase, and God saw 02:13 that it was good, God saw that it was good, God so that 02:16 it was good, and then we come to verse 31 it says, God saw 02:21 that it was - very good. - very good. 02:23 So we find in the very beginning in Genesis chapter 1, 02:26 not just good but even very good. 02:28 Then there is something in Genesis 1 and 2 that was not 02:31 very good and I were just read that for us here. 02:34 It says they are inverse 18, Tyler I hope you are paying 02:38 attention, it says, "and the Lord God said it is not good 02:43 that man should be alone, I will make him a helper 02:46 "comparable to him. " 02:48 So the one thing there that was not good man's was aloneness, 02:53 non-partnership with someone of his own kind. 02:56 When we come into the New Testament however we have Paul 02:59 saying, I wish that all men were just like I am, and that 03:03 is in the context of his singleness. 03:05 So I am married, Shandra you are married, 03:08 - and I am not. - you are not married. - I'm big fan of Paul. 03:13 As am I, the same Paul that said husbands love your 03:18 wives as Christ also loved the church. 03:20 What is exactly, I think we are all comfortable with the 03:23 notion here that the Bible is obviously very much in favor 03:26 of marriage, but they're also does seem to be this element 03:28 of a sanctified singleness as well. 03:32 Jesus there in Matthew chapter 19 speaks about those 03:36 that our UNIX or single that are able to receive this 03:39 command, let them receive it. 03:41 In the conversations we've had Tyler I'm not hearing you 03:44 say that, but what we do want to get her fingers wrapped 03:47 around here, not just for Tyler sake, for my sake, or 03:50 for Shandra sake, but it especially for our guests sake. 03:52 That is how can we find, how can we be content in the 03:59 situation which we find ourselves, of course that could 04:01 applied to economics, a could comply to where you live, 04:04 location, but today in the context of singleness. 04:08 So Tyler I'm going to turn the program over to Shandra 04:12 who knows your story a little better 04:14 than me and sort of set this up for us Shandra. 04:17 A question I have for you Tyler is that you are not 04:22 married now, doesn't necessarily mean you don't want to 04:24 be married, but I know for myself a lot of my view of 04:27 marriage came from my childhood. 04:29 I know a lot of people don't want to get married 04:32 because maybe they have a tainted view of marriage as 04:35 that maybe the case. 04:36 What has been your view on marriage, you are a lawyer 04:39 and what can you think of that? 04:44 - Is that your view, is that what you are implying Shandra? 04:45 - well it could, just asking? 04:48 No, I basically have two contrasting views of marriage. 04:55 Like you said your parents is where you get a lot of your 04:58 view, for me my parents had a fantastic marriage. 05:01 - oh praise God. - I really attribute a lot of my new 05:09 conversion to the fact that I have seen true love 05:12 in action, through my parents marriage. 05:14 It's one where they are truly are one, they have become one. 05:19 They make decisions together. 05:21 Every Christian book I read on marriage, when you are 05:26 single, people in church throw at you on a regular basis 05:30 I have all of them I think. 05:33 Everything I read my parents have modeled, have modeled 05:37 that picture of marriage and it is something 05:40 I have wanted for a long time. 05:42 But also with wanting it there is, you know I have no 05:47 desire whatsoever to settle for something less than what 05:51 they have, something truly God ordained that 05:55 is such a beautiful thing in the way God meant it. 05:58 - okay so where is the contrast? 05:59 That's the good side, first of all I would say that is 06:03 beautiful to hear, praise God. 06:06 I realize that I am blessed with that and I thank God for 06:08 it often, the contrast is at work. 06:12 I work at a law firm, we have a pretty general practice 06:17 and I try to stay away from divorce law. 06:20 I am a new lawyer so there is a temptation to do what ever 06:23 comes in the door, but I get a call almost once a day from 06:29 somebody asking whether I handle divorces. 06:32 Because it is so prevalent, I'm from a small town and it 06:36 is happening over and over again. 06:38 Once in a while, while actually during practical training 06:41 with a divorce lawyer so I was sitting in on these 06:45 meetings and hearing the stories and seeing these lives 06:48 completely torn apart. 06:49 It affected children, it affected extended families, 06:55 and it was really, really terrible and obviously that is 06:58 not something I want so there is definitely a contrast in 07:02 my views and feel pretty well-informed on the two 07:07 different diverging ways a marriage can go. 07:09 Just getting back to the fact that you state your parents 07:12 have this beautiful marriage, I find that so thrilling. 07:16 I would love to believe that someday my son, my two boys 07:21 7 and 9 will be able to say something similar. 07:23 My wife and I. we pray for them. 07:24 We say Lord make our relationship with one another 07:29 attractive to our children and attractive to those around 07:31 us, and is so resonate with that. 07:34 It warms my heart as a father to hear you say that about 07:39 your parents. Can I ask you how old you are? 07:42 May I do that? - I'm 28. - okay 28 years young which 07:46 knew it may you a whippersnapper compared to me, 38. 07:49 - old man. - so referred to me or them here on out as 07:52 your elder or eldership, the patriarch. 07:55 But you are 28 years old and not married, not by choice. 08:01 Talk to us about that, I hate to be so personal but 08:04 we are trying to engage with you and maybe in the process 08:07 will get you engaged! 08:10 - I'm kidding, I'm kidding. 08:12 Kind of kidding, true. 08:15 No, you said is not by choice well obviously there is a lot 08:18 of choice involved, there is a choice not to settle, and 08:21 there is a choice of meeting people and the situations 08:24 you put yourself in and all that stuff but for me there 08:27 is a whole lot of reasons why I am single. 08:30 My history of relationships is filled with laughter for 08:36 friends, tears for some people but basically what 08:42 ends up happening is that after going to college 08:44 a lot of people will get married. 08:47 I think the last year of college I was actually in 08:49 Shandra's wedding party and I was in 4 or 5 other ones 08:54 just when college was ending. 08:56 At the time God hadn't brought somebody into my life that 09:00 I was going to marry, that I saw was going to be compatible 09:06 person with me. You hadn't found your Eve yet? 09:09 Yeah and God hadn't cut my rib out and made one for me. 09:13 Then I went on to professional school afterwards, 09:18 I went on to law school. 09:19 I think then with a lot of Christians, they will go on 09:24 to college and there are I lot of peers around. 09:26 That is a great opportunity to meet people but once 09:32 you're away from that peer group where there is a lot 09:36 a round it's difficult, you don't have as many people 09:40 that you are meeting on a regular basis. 09:42 So I was all of a sudden in a church, first in eastern 09:46 Canada where there was some lovely Adventist women but 09:49 none of them there was that romantic connection with 09:54 I guess and now I am actually back in Sarnia which was 09:58 my original home church and there's not one regular 10:03 attending member whose woman is in her 20s. 10:07 So it's, it's as if there's not a whole lot a round. 10:11 No, for lack of trying. 10:12 Right, terrible, terrible that is not what I meant. 10:15 What I meant was, you are not a college campus. 10:18 - I am not at a college campus. 10:20 - and you feel called to be practicing law in this town. 10:25 I definitely do, I go into church sometimes and there's 10:30 people who I really respect as Christian people. 10:33 Usually the women, but men in the church don't say as much 10:36 to me, but the women who have a niece who lives on the 10:39 other side of the continent, or some friend they know, 10:43 or something like that but they are always saying 10:45 you have to move, you have to move. 10:46 At this moment I have prayed very hard about where I am 10:49 supposed to be, I'm supposed to be in Sardinia right now. 10:52 That is my situation and I guess that is a roundabout way 10:58 of saying why I am single, avoiding embarrassing details. 11:02 Well I think that too, and there's some sort of humor here 11:07 but I think there is something, really I think you're at 11:10 the guts of the thing here, the nucleus of the thing. 11:13 That is if you are in the place that God has you to be, 11:17 and whatever condition in which you find yourself, that is 11:22 the condition that God wants you to be in right then. 11:24 Right? So what comes to my mind is Philippians 4, 11:37 "not that I speak in regard to need for have learned that 11:40 "in what ever state I am to be content. I know how to 11:44 "be abased and I know how to abound everywhere and in all 11:46 "things I learned both to be full and hungry, both to 11:49 "abound and to suffer need. " Then he says in verse 13 11:52 "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me. " 11:54 Now in this context Paul is talking about then I can go 11:57 to the wealthy house, I can go to the poor and I can have 12:00 lots of food and I can have no food. 12:01 What he is saying is that if I'm on God's plan whatever 12:04 condition I find myself I'm content. 12:07 Are you comfortable saying then, that you are contented 12:11 in a situation in which you find yourself right now? 12:14 Um, it is a really good question, um because I'm not 12:19 always content, right at this moment I can say yes I am 12:23 content, I'm content in where I am but there has been 12:28 a lot of times where I have been frustrated. 12:30 Where I have felt lonely, where I have questioned God. 12:35 God you show me this great marriage through my parents and 12:39 You know it is very important to me. 12:41 The things that are the most important to you are the 12:44 hardest to answer and hand over to God. 12:45 Throughout my life I have handed so many things over to Him 12:48 and He has always handed them back in such a more amazing 12:54 way than I had planned for myself. 12:57 So would you say then that this contentedness is a 13:00 Presque, for lack of a better term, to getting married? 13:05 To be happy with how you are before you can actually 13:07 be happy, happy with someone? 13:09 It seems to be the way it goes with other people, 13:12 I don't know because I haven't experienced it. 13:14 I think it is something that God is having me work 13:22 through, He knows this is something like the rich young 13:25 ruler the thing he held onto, the thing that was so 13:27 important to him - literally that was on the tip of 13:29 my tongue. - I can really relate to the rich young ruler 13:35 because his money was what was so important to him. 13:37 Now in terms of other things I say I went to law school 13:40 so I have a good job now, I did well in sports, 13:45 I have done a lot of things that are seen as successful 13:48 in the world and that some people strive for, 13:50 but those things aren't what it's really on my heart, 13:53 what I really care about. 13:54 What I care for the things that were instilled in me by 13:57 my parents and that God wants for people and from the 14:01 verses you've shown, it's not good for man to be alone. 14:05 It is something that I have wanted for a long time and 14:08 like I said there have been a lot of times where I have 14:11 been very frustrated with being single. 14:16 With being in a place where there didn't seem like there 14:19 where any possibilities of me finding someone. 14:24 Not doubting God, but having a real difficulty of handing 14:30 that part of my life over to Him. 14:32 I love what you say they are, to me there is such 14:35 sublimity bear and such profundity. 14:37 The hardest thing to turn over to God is a thing 14:41 that is the most important and dear to me. 14:42 There are many things, getting back to the rich young 14:45 ruler, the rich young ruler would have been perfectly 14:48 happy to have done for Jesus, or even given to 14:51 Jesus and His cause, but he wants what is the 14:54 hardest for us to give. 14:55 To care that part over, I appreciate you being 14:59 vulnerable and being honest by saying that is hard, 15:02 that's frustrating. You know sometimes we sort of go 15:05 through the religious life, and let's be honest, 15:07 this is for our listeners as well. 15:10 We pretend that all is well, when all is not well. 15:12 I'll say Oh you know Tyler how are you doing. 15:15 Oh I'm doing great, and maybe that is just okay and 15:18 a nice conversation but the reality is that 15:21 we don't hear things like I'm lonely, 15:23 or I'm frustrated. 15:25 We don't hear those kinds of things enough because, 15:27 I don't know why I sure there's a variety of reasons, 15:30 but to hear that you say that is a source of difficulty 15:33 and frustration for you, frankly it is refreshing. 15:37 Thank you for that. 15:39 For me on coming on the show like you said the title today is 15:42 Securely Single, I was invited to come down here and 15:44 Shandra said there was going to be a couple of shows 15:47 but it has been recently that she says we're going to do 15:49 a show called Securely Single from a male perspective. 15:53 I felt a little ambushed, - thank you for that Shandra 15:57 - I meet the criteria, I am single but in terms of 16:01 secure it has been something that has been more 16:06 recent. - and I have watched Dave grow and shape 16:11 the show around you. - right! 16:13 But it is something I am really thankful for God doing 16:17 and I feel that it is a providential that he would have 16:20 me on the show as time like this. 16:21 We had some conversations before about being secure and 16:26 kind of pressures outside, because we are talking about 16:31 being content, were talking about being content in God 16:35 and handing things over to Him. 16:37 That is great and I love doing that because 16:42 He has always handed it back to me. 16:43 What I find is difficult is the social pressures, 16:49 with family pressures, it sometimes makes it so that 16:54 you lose sight of that, you lose sight of what God wants 16:58 us to hand over to Him because He has a better plan for us, 17:02 when the pastors wife, who I love dearly would say. 17:06 - she's got a plan for you too. 17:08 You know she says come to this church or there's this person 17:12 here and all that kind of stuff which usually turns into 17:15 being awkward. - oh, I can just imagine. 17:19 I've gone into churches where I actually remember one time 17:24 I went with my mom to a church up by our cottage. 17:26 I had never been there before and it was a very small 17:28 church and my mom has come to church with me once or twice 17:31 to the Seventh-day Adventist church. 17:34 Your parents are not presently Adventist? Right. 17:37 They attend a Catholic church, so my mom came with me and 17:40 I really liked that she did and it was a great sermon. 17:43 As soon as I walked in I had a quick look around and there 17:45 was one woman that was probably 25 or 26 at the time. 17:49 I'm not very good with age but I think she was in her mid- 17:53 30s but the elders of the church you can see light bulbs 17:57 going on over their heads. 17:59 Looking at them and looking back and whispering, so at 18:03 the end of it I avoid those situations. 18:06 They were ready to perform the wedding? Probably? 18:09 Yeah I thought I saw them tying bows to the end of the 18:12 altar, or to the edges of the pews so that was all 18:15 decorated. - so you touched on something there 18:17 I think needs to be said, our viewers need to hear it. 18:22 That is this idea of social pressure and even parental 18:26 pressure, you're 28 years old and that is not exactly old. 18:30 I wasn't married till I was 27. 18:31 But there is pressure and how do you keep clear in your 18:37 mind this is where God has me, other people have 18:41 expectations of me, other people want ABC for me but 18:44 I am really on God's plan. 18:46 How do you keep that, what would you say to our viewers? 18:50 even more than that, you say you feel God's leading in 18:53 your life but yet you would like to be married so where 18:56 do you balance, God's leading verses how much do 18:59 I initiate? Do I go out to these churches and look for 19:02 woman, do I look on the online sources that are available? 19:05 How do you balance, how is God leading 19:09 and what should I do? 19:10 There are sort of two things there. 19:13 Yeah, so yours was more - other people have expectations 19:17 of you, how do you keep this is where God has me right now? 19:22 Shandra's ties in with that right now - initiation 19:25 I'm waiting on the Lord? 19:27 Maybe you can put some... what does that mean to you? 19:31 Put some flesh on it for us. 19:32 It's difficult like I said sometimes those social 19:37 pressures and family pressures. Back home it is not 19:40 too hard because a lot of my friends are secular where 19:44 I think the average age for marriage is around 28, 19:47 so some of my friends are getting married and 19:50 I don't get so much from thence but I do feel it in the 19:52 church and my family somewhat because 19:54 they know how I feel about it. 19:56 So it wasn't so bad with my mom I always expected, 19:59 but when my dad started giving me a hard time that is 20:03 when, those kind of things are to take your mind off of 20:06 it and basically what I need to do is take a step back 20:09 once in a while and realize that God is looking after it. 20:13 Now in terms of initiation, I don't know the answer, 20:18 I wish I could say okay this is exactly what you have 20:23 to do to find somebody if you are looking. 20:25 But in my situation, I really believe that right now 20:28 I am in a place were I'm probably not going to meet 20:33 somebody in the near future, but like I said it is 20:37 something that God is working on my heart and for me to 20:40 be able to hand it over to Him, even to say I'm securely 20:42 single and if that is the way God wants me to be, 20:44 that is how I'm going to be. 20:46 I guess when I'm talking it's been more recent that 20:51 I have been okay with this. 20:54 I recently had a situation, I'll go long periods of time, 20:57 the world will say all you have been on a date in a month 21:00 that is crazy. 21:01 You'll see sometimes on television you haven't been on 21:05 a date are you getting by in life? 21:07 We go long periods of time that I'm without having 21:11 a romantic relationship, or going out to meet somebody 21:14 for a date because of where I have been. 21:18 But I had a situation, I met a person recently that it 21:24 happened after prayer and me saying God show me somebody 21:30 that I am very attracted to, that I see could possibly 21:34 be a match, I'm not saying we have to end up together. 21:38 Right now I feel discouraged so if You could just show 21:42 me somebody that will encourage me. 21:44 The prayer was answered very directly, and very exactly 21:49 because God showed me somebody that I found very 21:52 attractive, that was a great spiritual person, that was 21:56 interested in missions, was beautiful in every way. 22:00 Beautifully and wonderfully made as true as ever been. 22:06 But it wasn't a situation where she was ready to be 22:11 involved romantically I guess, in a jokingly way 22:16 she shut me down is what happened. - oh no, no man 22:20 your being very honest and I love it. 22:23 She did and for whatever her reasons were, bad breath, 22:29 something about the way I looked, or something like that. 22:34 I don't know exactly what those reasons are but at the end 22:39 of the day I was sad. She was a great person and she will 22:43 continue to be a great friend because she acted so 22:46 honestly towards me through the whole thing. 22:48 It was very encouraging to have that prayer answered and 22:53 to meet somebody that I was attracted to. 22:54 It was like God was answering the prayer, not in the full 22:57 sense but it He gave you a sign, sometimes were afraid to 23:00 say that word, but it was from Jesus. 23:02 And so at the end of the day I was thinking our God can 23:06 cause me to have these kinds of feelings so quickly and 23:10 unexpectedly, how can I doubt if I handed it over to Him 23:15 that He is going to take care of me? 23:17 Something that we have to touch on here and that is are 23:22 you tempted, you are young, you're handsome, is that true 23:26 Shandra? - she's married too. And - I don't really 23:29 know, your not ugly. So here's where I'm going with this. 23:33 You are young, you are good looking guy, 23:35 and you have a job, what about the temptation to just 23:41 say I'm going to settle? 23:42 You mentioned a good spiritual person, what about the 23:45 temptation to, now listen we are kidding ourselves if we 23:48 think our viewers by the hundreds and thousands don't 23:52 face this very temptation to just settle. 23:53 She's sweet, she's nice, she's kind, she's what ever. 23:57 She's not a Christian yet but is the temptation there to 24:00 just marry outside of the faith? 24:02 I would be lying to save there was no temptation to go on 24:06 dates with people to just hang out with girls that don't 24:10 share my beliefs because I get the question all the time. 24:14 I am living in an environment that is very secular with 24:18 my friends and they will ask the question, do you need to 24:21 date someone who is not your religion? 24:25 Or do you need to date somebody who is your religion? 24:27 What if the morals were the same? 24:31 What if you were attracted and all these different ideas 24:36 except your Christian faith? 24:38 It is a difficult question because actually what they are 24:43 getting at is how judgmental I am, but also wanting to 24:47 know about my faith so it is the chance to witness too. 24:52 Usually what I will say is it is the truth that for me 24:57 my Christianity and my belief and my faith in 25:01 God is not a once a week thing. 25:03 It is not a compartmentalized part of my life, 25:08 it is something that affects everything. 25:10 It is how I view everything, it's how I view plants 25:14 growing in the ground. 25:16 It's how I view how children should be raised and how 25:19 I view eternity so it's not a situation where I could, 25:23 And when we talk about settling, settling for something 25:27 less than the ideal. 25:28 Not settling for a person because they don't believe 25:30 they are less of a person by any means. 25:33 Thank you, I love that clarification. 25:35 But it is settling for something less than God's ideal 25:40 for me, and whatever that is. 25:41 It could be God's ideal for me is to stay single and 25:45 to take up some kind of ministry that He needs me to be 25:48 single for and I know from past experiences what He has 25:52 done in other parts of my life that He is going to take 25:55 care of it and that He has something better 25:59 in mind than I do. 26:00 If God's providence is calling you to that then 26:03 God's grace will sustain you and empower you in that. 26:06 In other words the story is quickly told where a woman 26:09 goes up to Dwight Moody and says oh I wish I had the faith 26:12 that you had, I wish I had a martyr's faith. 26:13 He says will I don't have a martyr's faith. 26:15 What a great evangelist and Moody doesn't have a martyr's 26:17 faith? No, but if God called me to be a martyr then 26:21 He would give me the faith to do that. 26:23 So you said something there about, even the way the grass 26:27 grows and the way you view marriage relationships and 26:29 eternity, that is a great point because if you see 26:32 a flower or you see a tree, you see that in 26:35 a fundamentally different way than a person who doesn't 26:38 share your most basic core of spiritual perspective. 26:41 At the creation ahh, thank you Jesus for these beautiful 26:43 flowers is different than oh those are nice flowers. 26:46 If you don't share that most fundamental thing with 26:48 somebody really how could you be connected with them in 26:52 the most intimate, significant, meaningful things in life? 26:55 Yeah and that is exactly the point. 26:59 From that view of marriage that I have from my parents, 27:03 it's that they are on the same page about everything, 27:07 about every aspect of life. 27:09 If they have any differences they can work through it 27:12 together, but because they are viewing it the same way, 27:18 and because I had such an ideal in seeing exactly what 27:22 God meant when he said it was not good that man be alone. 27:27 If you would see my dad by himself he is useless. 27:29 Not in every way, but he needs my mother. 27:33 And my mom loves being needed by him, and the exact 27:38 opposite is true, the same thing is true the same 27:42 as my mom and dad. 27:43 Well thank you so much for being on the show here in 27:46 the thing that I have really taken away and that I want 27:48 our viewers to take away is that whatever state 27:50 you are in, be content there and thank you for turning 27:55 in, check us out or send us an e-mail at: 28:00 thank you for joining us today. |
Revised 2014-12-17