Engage

A Life Restored

Three Angels Broadcasting Network

Program transcript

Participants: David Asscherick & Shanda Ban (Host), Jackie Esposo

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Series Code: E

Program Code: E000010


00:19 Hello and welcome to Engage, my name is David Asscherick.
00:23 We are thrilled that you are with us today.
00:25 We are going to be taking a look at how God can bring
00:29 beauty out of ashes and how He can bring restoration
00:33 to a life that has been sunk in shame and guilt.
00:37 The Bible says the book of Joel 2 "that God will restore
00:41 "the years that the locusts have eaten and taken away."
00:45 It's one of my very favorite Bible promises.
00:48 This idea that God can restore something that has been
00:51 taken away, something that has been robbed from us.
00:56 With us today is my co-host Shandra Ban and so we are
00:59 going to turn it over to her and she will introduce to
01:02 us today our guest. So please Shandra.
01:06 Thank you David, we have with us today the lovely
01:09 Jackie Espose, it is so great to have you here.
01:12 She comes from Clovis California, so not too far from
01:14 where we live in Sonora and it's been a blessing to get
01:17 to know you Jackie.
01:18 You, as David mentioned, we are going to be talking about
01:21 a life that was dark and sunken in shame and guilt but it
01:24 didn't start out that way.
01:26 Why don't you tell us how your story begins?
01:28 Well I was raised in a loving Filipino family, oldest of
01:32 three children and I had a very happy childhood, good Christian
01:37 parents, a house full of music and food and laughter.
01:41 It was the ideal childhood.
01:43 I was going to say, that sounds like the perfect home.
01:46 Food, music, laughter and that is basically it.
01:50 With God - a Christian home - we had worship every night
01:54 and every morning and that was just how life was.
01:57 And so okay that's the program, that's not how it goes is
02:01 it? - no. - there's a dark chapter there. - Um Hmmm
02:05 okay please, please continue.
02:07 Well what I was about six years old I was molested and
02:12 I did know how to deal with those feelings.
02:14 I didn't tell anybody, I didn't tell anybody at all.
02:17 Not parents, totally internalized.
02:19 As a six year old what you even say, you don't even
02:23 know what has happened.
02:24 You don't how to deal with things, you feel embarrassed
02:28 especially in my culture a lot of things are swept under
02:32 the rug and I didn't want to bring any shame to anybody
02:37 if I said something.
02:38 But even at six you are young enough to understand this
02:41 is wrong, this is not right something's wrong.
02:46 Yeah, yeah. So yeah I just dealing with all these
02:50 emotions but I still kept a smile on my face and pretended
02:53 like nothing ever happened and kept going.
02:57 And that is going to become a pattern for you, isn't it?
03:00 - right! Is going to happen over and over again in this
03:04 story is that there is darkness inside, but oh we will put
03:07 on this smile, everything is fine but it is not fine.
03:11 So you are six and - I was homeschooled
03:15 and we traveled around a lot in California and then I went
03:19 to regular school. - I mean - what is regular school?
03:23 I mean I went to a school where there was other students
03:26 beside my sister and brother so I was homeschooled.
03:29 Okay a regular school, keep going.
03:32 And then after I graduated from high school another
03:37 incident happened where I was molested by a Doctor. - again
03:41 - when I was 17 years old.
03:43 - a Doctor? - yeah so that was hard for me because you
03:47 place your trust in someone and this was someone we
03:51 already knew and then it happened again.
03:54 So this time did you keep it to yourself?
03:57 No this time I told my parents, I told my parents and we
04:01 went to the authorities and it was a real trying time.
04:05 It was a real difficult, difficult time.
04:07 When you told them about the second time did you also tell
04:11 them about the first time as well?
04:12 Yes I did. - were they surprised? - yes they were
04:15 surprised and they cried with me and they prayed with me
04:19 and they said we are here to support you, we love you and no
04:23 matter what happens we are here and God loves you.
04:27 Now something I did not ask you before, but I want to
04:31 quickly ask this question.
04:33 Did your parents ever speak to you about if anyone ever
04:36 touches you inappropriately, had they ever sort of
04:38 prepared you? Yes, yes they did. - really.
04:40 - they did. - before the first incident?
04:42 - in between. - in between the okay because I have
04:47 a little boy seven a little boy nine and even now we live
04:50 in such a terrible world that I have talk to my children
04:53 about things. If anyone ever touches you, and I want to
04:56 speak to the parents out there.
04:57 You need to be preparing your children even now and orient
05:02 them to appropriate and inappropriate touches.
05:05 In appropriate and inappropriate relationships, but that
05:08 is the world we live in what a terrible thing that I have
05:10 to talk to my seven and nine-year-old about this.
05:12 They are looking at me and saying okay no problem but
05:16 they don't understand, so - another thing that is just
05:19 heavy here, a Doctor? He was a Doctor and I just
05:24 remember going in and it happened and feeling so dirty,
05:30 even though I knew it wasn't my fault I was having these
05:35 thoughts, did I do anything to bring this on myself.
05:39 This happen a long time ago and now it just happened
05:44 again, what did I do?
05:46 This is a consistent pattern with people who have
05:49 experienced molestation, they try to take the guilt,
05:53 what did I do, I must deserve this, I'm dirty and you
05:57 feel soiled by something you didn't create so that's
06:01 criminal, it's terrible.
06:04 - so Jackie you mention to us earlier that
06:07 you saw counselors' and then you went away to
06:09 a university so that you could start over.
06:12 I think I talked to two counselors, I just had two
06:15 sessions and that was it and I tried to deal with it on
06:18 my own and try to keep very busy in school, music,
06:21 sports, scholastics, everything, you name it, church.
06:24 I was very involved in church and leading out as a youth
06:28 leader but inside there was still this emptiness,
06:31 this longing for something better and I knew
06:33 I was empty inside.
06:35 So what did you try and use as an identity to find your
06:40 identity? I had a very low self-esteem and I would try
06:45 to find affirmation and love in inappropriate relationships.
06:50 - as a result of the molestation?
06:52 As a result of the molestation yes.
06:54 And why is that, I mean as someone who has never
06:57 experienced it, what was it about the molestation that
07:00 made to feel like I might as well be in an inappropriate
07:04 relationship?
07:05 Well I felt like I had nothing to live for anymore,
07:06 I felt like something was taken away from me and I might
07:10 as well just go all out and be crazy or whatever, even
07:14 though people did not see that but inside I was so
07:17 conflicted and just confused and torn.
07:20 - but on the outside I'm happy piano playing Jackie.
07:25 Right, right. - like I said this is going to be
07:27 a consistent pattern here it happened when you were six
07:30 and it happened when you were a teenager and now
07:31 you are in your college years.
07:33 You said something there that I thought was very interesting
07:36 and that was that how I was busy at church, I kept myself
07:39 busy. I want to ask you the question, okay so church
07:42 but what about God? Were you in a relationship with
07:46 God at this time and how did you relate to God
07:48 or was it just church thing?
07:50 Well I thought I was in relationship with God,
07:53 but I realize now it was a form of godliness with
07:56 no power and keeping yourself busy.
08:00 I remember this acronym that someone shared with me, busy
08:04 being under Satan's yoke. - wow. - whoa that's heavy.
08:10 Yeah it is but that relationship with God it wasn't real.
08:14 It wasn't genuine. - it was more of an active busyness
08:18 around church things where it could have been active business
08:21 around anything but it just happen to be church.
08:23 Like you say it's a form of godliness but you have the
08:27 hi, oh things are great going on. - right.
08:30 Inside you are conflicted, that's the word you use.
08:33 Um hmmm, I was because all these emotions I was
08:36 experiencing just the depths of despair that I was
08:39 battling with, it was overwhelming.
08:43 So this lead you to get into a long term unhealthy
08:46 relationship tell us a little bit more about that.
08:49 I was in an unhealthy relationship for a number of
08:52 years, it reached a point where I couldn't take it anymore.
08:57 As a result of that and the molestation, from everything
09:01 happening in my past, it just builds up and I found
09:06 myself driving to the Golden gate Bridge in
09:09 San Francisco wanting to end my life.
09:12 I was driving there and I hear the devil whispering in my
09:18 head, saying you are dirty, you are worthless, you are
09:22 nothing, if people really knew what you have done and what
09:25 you have been through. - what would they think of you.
09:28 What would they think of you, do you think that they could
09:31 still love you, do you think your family could love you?
09:33 Do you think people at church can love you?
09:36 Because the family was aware of the molestation issues but
09:39 they don't know about the results of that shoved you
09:43 into these inappropriate relationships. - right, right.
09:46 So just a thought on that Shandra, briefly.
09:50 A thought on that that is very interesting is like if
09:52 something has been taken from you, if you already feel
09:54 that you have lost your cleanness, or your purity or
09:56 your innocency, it is like when a mother says to the child
10:00 don't get any mud on your church clothes.
10:03 Then they get a little bit on their whatever cuff of
10:06 their pants or a little on their knee and is like well
10:10 I'm dirty anyway.
10:11 So you ended up in that situation and now you are really
10:14 feeling that this is not just something that happened to
10:17 me, it is something I have done.
10:19 You are driving. - and something who I am is what you
10:22 are saying. - yeah, yeah. - so you get to the Golden
10:24 gate Bridge. I'm going ask another question if you don't
10:27 mind, were you going there in your mind with the intention
10:29 of jumping off - yes - or were you just driving there.
10:32 No! I had gotten off work and that was my intention, just to
10:37 end it all. - how old were you? - I was 22.
10:41 Oh Mercy, go ahead please Shandra.
10:44 Just tell us yeah. I was driving there and I remember
10:48 looking out on the water with tears streaming down
10:52 my face and I was like okay this is going to happen.
10:56 Then my cell phone rings and it is my sister.
10:59 - praise God for cell phones, I never thought
11:03 I would say that.
11:04 And that was at a time when you can talk on your phone in
11:06 the car without getting a ticket.
11:09 Yeah exactly, I'm already outside of my car. - you're
11:13 outside, your on the bridge?
11:15 Well going to the bridge, walking. - right you park
11:19 and then you have to walk.
11:20 So Beeerrrring. - my sister and she says to me older
11:25 sister where are you? - Oh wow she asked that question?
11:31 Yes she did. - this is so from Jesus.
11:34 She said where are you and I told her.
11:36 You told her you were at the Golden gate Bridge with the
11:39 intention of committing suicide?
11:41 Yes I did, I did I said you know it's not worth it.
11:46 I'm so sorry for everything I have done but I can't take
11:49 it anymore, I can't take this pain I can't take that I'm
11:53 hurting you guys and people that I love, I'm not worth it.
11:57 I'm not worth it anymore. - you were using that exact
12:01 kind of language? Yes. - what did she say?
12:03 I can't imagine calling my sister and saying hey where are
12:07 you at, oh by the way I'm here and I want to end my life.
12:11 What did she say? She said no matter what we love you,
12:16 we accept you and no matter what you have done we are here
12:20 for you. I mean that is what I needed to hear.
12:24 She did not have to say much, just to know that my sister
12:27 loved me. I knew that, I did know that.
12:29 Did you take it as a sign? - I did - you did - I did.
12:34 It was timely. I have a question for you, why did you
12:37 answer the phone? Like were you looking for a way out?
12:41 You know that it's a good question, I mean it was right
12:44 there. - a force of habit aye, pick the phone up.
12:49 Can you imagine if he would have just left it in your car,
12:51 or turned it off. - I wouldn't be here.
12:56 So at the time when the phone rings you pick it up and it
13:00 is your sister and she says where are you?
13:02 Do you take this at the moment, this is a sign that God is
13:05 reaching out to me, are you preceding that?
13:07 At that very moment I didn't think of it like that, but
13:11 afterwards I did, the Lord is trying to save me here.
13:16 I really need to think and pray, again everything was
13:21 a blur, because I was going there with the intention
13:26 of ending my life.
13:27 Well what I was going to say is that I have seen you play
13:32 the piano, and I said to somebody earlier she plays the
13:37 piano like I play it in my mind, like you have a gift
13:43 a very, very, very special gift and you have gone to
13:48 school, you have a degree in music?
13:50 - yes, I finished Music Performance
13:51 Somebody might be looking externally saying she has so
13:55 much to live for, she has so much to live for because you
13:59 have this talent but at the time you must've been in a
14:04 heap of despair and shame and guilt and lack of self-worth
14:08 to be balancing the talent that other people so obviously
14:13 see that you have. - right. - how does that work?
14:16 Well you're right outside I was making beautiful music but on
14:22 the inside was just completely chaotic. - really? - yes.
14:27 But I guess that was my way of dealing with stuff.
14:31 Just go to the piano and play a song, sing, put a smile
14:34 on your face and play for people and just keep on rolling.
14:38 Bless that even though you are dying on the inside.
14:40 - right. Just to keep my chronology straight here,
14:43 forgive me I'm kind of a linear thinker, but you are
14:46 out of this long-term relationship here at the bridge.
14:48 - oh no, I was in it, I was in it.
14:51 It wasn't a healthy situation which only making it worse
14:55 right but shortly after is when I met a wonderful couple
14:59 - so we are off the bridge now? - were off the bridge.
15:04 I go home and there is many things that happen after that
15:08 but God was restoring me, and He was delivering me out of
15:13 the situation. - there is our word restore.
15:16 So you met a couple. - I met a couple Tosh and Waddy Potlick
15:20 they invited me to do ministry - in what capacity -
15:25 as a music evangelists. As a music evangelists
15:28 I actually went on a Share Him trip with them and they
15:31 actually asked me to preach as well which was totally out
15:34 of my comfort zone but I did it in El Salvador.
15:37 It was an amazing experience. - do you speak Spanish?
15:40 A little but not really no. You preached in English?
15:45 Yeah I did, so I have been doing that for the past 2 and
15:49 1/2 years now and I think being in ministry blessed to
15:53 bless others and it has really helped me in my healing,
15:58 in my healing process and it was such a testimony to me
16:03 to see people who were young but so in Christ.
16:08 They knew who they were in Christ.
16:10 Tosh and Waddy are how old? Tosh is 27 and Waddy is 28.
16:14 Now, so when you would have met them 2 and 1/2 years ago,
16:20 25-26. - Ah hah! Praise God for own fire young people,
16:25 It was a young person that won me to Jesus.
16:28 So that's great, so we get you off the bridge and a series of
16:33 events of course but the way it is heading is that God
16:37 get you into ministry. - yes.
16:38 Now Jackie you have 2 degrees, you mentioned a music
16:42 degree but you are also trained as a nurse, correct?
16:45 - yes - have you ever used your nursing?
16:47 No I haven't used my nursing at all.
16:49 - why is that? Well I went straight into music
16:52 evangelism, it seems like whenever I try to make plans
16:56 on my own God has another way of saying wait, nope,
17:00 that's not the way you need to go.
17:02 - it's His own plan. Right it's His own plan but it
17:05 has just been an amazing and blessed experience for me.
17:09 I never thought my life would be here, you know traveling
17:12 around to nine or 10 different countries - preaching.
17:16 Preaching and music and just being part of something that
17:19 is changing heaven's population one soul at a time.
17:22 Oh, there we go you sound like a preacher.
17:25 So you said something earlier I really liked and that
17:28 was the process of healing.
17:30 Does it begin when you met Tosh and Waddy or is that the end of
17:37 it? Is that the beginning of the healing or the end
17:38 of the healing or is there a middle somewhere.
17:39 It was in the middle somewhere, I remember being curled
17:42 up in my bed in despair and I was reading the book
17:46 'Steps To Christ', a powerful book and I love that book.
17:51 I was thinking, I get it, I finally understand
17:56 God's love for me, you know
17:59 and I am just remembering the verse in Romans 8:38, 39
18:03 there is nothing, there is nothing that can separate us
18:07 from the love of God, and that just resonated with me.
18:11 To know that God loves you that much.
18:14 His verses are new every morning I was so thankful and
18:17 grateful for God giving me that book and the promises
18:21 from His word.
18:22 I've got to read that passage if you don't mind.
18:24 In many ways is a consummation of the whole first half of
18:28 Romans and it is so poetic and so theologically profound
18:33 but we have to read it.
18:34 Romans 8:38 "for I am persuaded that neither death nor life
18:38 "nor angels nor principalities nor powers nor things
18:41 "present or things to come, no height nor death nor any
18:45 "other created thing shall be able to separate us from
18:48 "the love of God which is in Christ Jesus."
18:51 Where would we be without that verse? - Amen!
18:54 Your said it was the love of God, you are there curled up on
18:57 your bed and you get it, hallelujah.
19:00 The love of God, the love of my parents and I believe
19:03 that prayer is power and I just want to encourage
19:06 whoever's watching today that prayer is power.
19:10 For you parents out there don't give up praying for your
19:13 children, do not give up.
19:15 Also for the young people out there, today is the day of
19:19 salvation choose Jesus Christ, seriously because that is
19:23 the best thing you could ever do for your life.
19:25 Now this is not just busy churchy stuff, oh I'm going to
19:31 be busy here, I'll be busy there, no, no, no.
19:33 This is the guts of religion, this is a personal saving
19:37 relationship with Jesus Christ.
19:40 The love of God has just got a hold of you, but it
19:43 doesn't have to happen, it doesn't always have to be
19:46 I was converted on June 13, 19 whatever.
19:49 For you it was a process, - it was process - meeting
19:52 a godly couple, now there's a question.
19:56 When you meet them they have a good relationship - yes.
19:59 Were you becoming a little cynical in you're thinking?
20:02 I was, you know healthy relationships don't really exist
20:06 aside from my parents.
20:07 When you first met them did you think oh yeah!
20:09 Yeah sure! - they've got something right!
20:12 Oh yeah, I was a little suspicious and cynical but
20:16 I quickly saw that the couple who is rooted in Christ
20:20 is a beautiful thing.
20:22 I was preaching in an evangelistic meeting in Florida
20:24 years ago and a lady cornered my wife in this tent we were
20:27 preaching in and sort of cornered her and said, hey what
20:30 is he really like? She said what?
20:33 What's he really like?
20:34 I enjoy his preaching but what?
20:35 She said I don't really think I understand what you are
20:38 saying? Well is he a Christian in the home?
20:42 That's so resonated with me the fact, because people they see
20:47 the persona, they see the external but when you have
20:50 had negative relationships or negative experiences in your
20:53 relationships with your own life you project that onto
20:56 others and think well that can't be.
20:58 But you meet this godly couple, a healthy relationship,
21:01 they love one another and most of all they love Jesus.
21:04 That's the process. - Jackie one time when we were
21:08 talking you mentioned earlier when were just talking now
21:11 that you are looking for identity and relationships and
21:14 that resulted in unhealthy relationships, but when
21:17 you said you were focused on your identity has changed so
21:19 where do you find your identity now?
21:21 My identity is in Christ, it is.
21:23 And the healthiest relationship of all.
21:25 And that is the best relationship we could ever have.
21:29 - Amen hallelujah sweet Jesus. Just to wrap that up.
21:33 The transition here is from someone who is externally
21:38 everything looks great, I mean yeah? - yeah.
21:40 You look beautiful of course but what I mean is that you
21:43 are putting on that hay everything is fine but inside
21:47 you are dying? - right. Now you are to the place where every
21:51 thing looks fine on the outside because it is fine on the inside
21:55 That's what we want right? - absolutely.
21:57 Jesus of course was speaking to the Pharisees and when
22:00 he was speaking to the Pharisees, to the viewers out
22:03 there and the in-house audience as well,
22:05 in-house audience and you too.
22:07 Remember when He said you clean the outside of the cup, but
22:12 inside you are full of dead men's bones, Psalms 51 God
22:17 desires truth in the inward parts, inside of us.
22:20 You had the opportunity to come earlier and to play and
22:26 sing, remember there's that music account.
22:28 This song is Jesus Won't You Hold Me in your arms
22:32 - Jesus Won't You Hold Me.
22:33 This song is so beautiful because it is not just what
22:35 you are doing on the piano but it is a reflection of
22:38 what is coming from inside. - right.
22:40 So we are going to go to that song right now,
22:42 a beautiful, beautiful song.
22:59 Well I read my Bible one morning
23:03 for my dose of daily bread
23:06 like a reflection in the mirror I saw
23:11 myself in what I read
23:14 it went straight to my heart
23:18 and cut deep in my bones
23:22 You know the very fabric of my soul
23:27 I thought of all the mistakes I've made
23:33 and felt hopeless and exposed
23:40 I don't exactly like what I see
23:46 for I recognized the chief of sinners, it's me
23:53 as I turn away to hide my shame
23:56 I noticed You were waiting
24:01 I just want You to hold me in Your arms
24:08 Jesus I just want You to hold me in Your arms
24:27 then I read how Jesus died for me
24:30 while I was yet in chains
24:34 If I simply claim His blood
24:37 then He would take my blame
24:41 and when His Father looked at me
24:44 He wouldn't see my past
24:47 He would see His Son and He'd rejoice
24:51 I'd found the way at last
24:55 although you may not like what you see
25:02 the Lord can make a thing of beauty out of you and me
25:09 if we confess and leave our sins
25:13 His mercy would flow freely
25:17 if we'd approach the throne of grace
25:20 He said we could come boldly
25:27 He is waiting to hold you in His arms
25:35 He is longing to hold you in His arms
25:43 won't you let Jesus hold you in His arms
26:06 Amen what an arresting song and viewer that question
26:10 is right for you, won't you let Jesus hold
26:14 you in His arms?
26:16 You know David when you opened this program by reading
26:18 there in Joel about the years that God will restore that the
26:22 locus has eaten, but further down in that very passage it
26:25 says that praise the name of the Lord your God who has
26:28 dealt wondrously with you and my people, Jackie listen,
26:32 shall never be put to shame. You will know that I am in
26:35 the midst of Israel. I am the Lord your God and my
26:38 people, again, say, shall never be put to shame.
26:42 He said that twice, it's absolutely beautiful.
26:46 You know that really resonates with me because again
26:50 I was feeling so ashamed and dirty and sinful but praise
26:55 God He restores and He delivers and the healing process
26:59 again was through me being involved in helping others.
27:03 Being involved in ministry. - taking the focus off you
27:06 and putting on to others. - right, right, less focus
27:09 on myself and just trying to share that love of Christ
27:12 with those around me.
27:13 You know I have gone to college for 2 degrees, but then I went
27:19 to Bible college also to further enhance my experience with
27:23 ministry and the best blessing is I went to a Bible
27:26 college called AFCO and I learned so much just being that
27:31 realm of helping others, it really changed my life.
27:35 We have been talking to someone today who is a beautiful
27:38 person but she went through such a dark time and maybe you
27:41 have gone through a dark time.
27:42 She dealt with molestation and maybe you have dealt with
27:45 molestation and I want to tell you today that it is not
27:48 your fault, you are not to blame, you do not need to feel
27:52 dirty or shameful you just need to come to Christ.
27:55 Please be in contact with us, e-mail us at:
27:59 let Jesus hold you in His arms.


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Revised 2014-12-17