Participants: Alanzo & June Smith
Series Code: FFH
Program Code: FFH00003B
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00:05 Welcome back, you are watching Families 4 Heaven.
00:09 We have as our guest Dijon Plummer and our co-host 00:13 Dr. June Smith. 00:15 Well, Dijon that story you just related to us was a very painful 00:22 one, but we are glad to see you are still holding on. 00:28 It is hard for me to even wrap my mind around what do 00:32 you do when you have something like this happen to you? 00:35 So why don't we talk to you. 00:37 Dijon share with us, what did you find most helpful? 00:42 How did you cope with this? 00:43 There are number of things, I think the first thing 00:48 that happened was that I realized that no matter how 00:53 depressed I was, how much I cried, how many times I woke 00:57 up in the middle of the night and would look beside me 01:01 and realize that she wasn't there. 01:03 I started wondering how long is she going to be in 01:07 the bathroom for? 01:08 I came back to realizing that she is actually gone. 01:13 No matter how much I cried, no matter how much I didn't 01:18 eat, I didn't feel like eating that she wasn't coming 01:22 back and I actually made a conscious decision. 01:27 I said you know I have to live and I prayed. 01:31 I didn't have much other option. 01:35 I asked God to take away the pain, just to lift it, 01:40 because I could not manage it. 01:43 I was going out of my mind. 01:45 I had a new role in my life, my perspective on life 01:50 totally changed, and nothing really mattered anymore. 01:54 It started with a decision, a decision to go back to my 02:00 roots, to get on my knees, to ask for guidance, to ask 02:05 for relief and that is where it began. 02:08 Dr. June: so you found that your relationship with God 02:12 was strengthened, you tried to find strength? 02:15 It was renewed, it was different, it was changed, 02:20 it became what made sense in life. 02:26 It became what gave me hope. 02:29 Yes, it definitely did change. 02:33 Dr. June: what would you say was the role that your 02:35 spiritual experience played? 02:37 Because why you are praying and you are seeking Him, 02:40 how did this faith that you have bring you to that point? 02:45 In all honesty I felt as if I had no option. 02:54 I had to go back to what I knew. 02:59 They say train up a child in the way he should go, 03:02 and when he is old he will not depart from it. 03:06 I had to go back to my roots. 03:07 I had to close my eyes and to fall backwards into God's hands. 03:15 And He caught me, He caught me and put me back up to 03:22 stand, and said, to walk beside Me. 03:26 What central thought, what central concept did you come to? 03:33 I realize that my family, my wife and two kids, they were 03:42 God's children, they weren't mine, they were His. 03:46 He did not need my permission to take them. 03:50 I was blessed and privileged to have shared a number 03:55 of years with them and I enjoyed them thoroughly. 04:00 The Lord was ready for them, their work was done 04:04 and He took them. 04:05 He allowed them to be taken, my work is not done. 04:10 That is why I am still here, I have a lot of work to do. 04:14 Dr. June: that is a powerful point to get to as you 04:18 except that, yes life is in God's hands. 04:22 And you notice that you can feel the pain and the empathy 04:26 as he is talking. 04:28 It is because of this attachment that he had with his 04:32 family, there is this theory called the Attachment theory 04:37 postulated by this British psychiatrist, John Bowlby. 04:41 Talk to us about the attachment theory and why is it that 04:45 people have this strong affection and bonding? 04:49 The whole notion of being attached is a phenomenon that 04:54 occurs pretty much at birth. 04:57 When children become bonded, or attached to their 05:00 caregivers, it is amazing how children might even become 05:04 attached to people other than their own parents. 05:08 But whoever it is that bonds and spends quality time with 05:11 this child it gets attached. 05:13 The bonding postulate theory is when this bond is broken. 05:16 It is as painful, as what he considers, 05:20 and amputation physiologically. 05:23 We can imagine how painful it must be for somebody to 05:27 chop your arm off, so it is emotionally when a bond that 05:30 is developed between two individuals, like a parent and 05:33 a child, a husband and wife and etc. 05:35 When that bond is broken that is the impact it has emotionally. 05:39 Grief is expected when an individual goes through a crisis 05:44 There are several manifestations, we have sadness, 05:49 we have anger, we have guilt, we have self-reproach. 05:54 Did you find yourself experiencing any of these? 05:58 Every one of them, on multiple levels. 06:05 I work as a nurse, and I have worked hospice so I have 06:11 giving grief counsel before. 06:13 I am familiar with the process of death, but what I've found 06:18 was all the speeches that I would give to my patients, 06:23 I give them to myself in the mirror and they didn't work. 06:27 All the research that I had done before, I applied it 06:32 to myself and it didn't work. 06:34 It took on an entire nature of its own and the script 06:40 has nothing to do with the reality of what you go through 06:46 and experience, which one comes first and which one comes 06:52 last, it does it by itself. 06:58 That is because each individual is different and people 07:01 come to their own experience based on their thought 07:03 processes and the significance of the meaning of the loss. 07:09 Now there are different behaviors that are demonstrated 07:13 by people who suffer severe loss. 07:16 What would you say, maybe one or two that you found you 07:21 have a preoccupation with? 07:22 For example people sometimes, you talked about not wanting 07:27 to eat, or not wanting to sleep, or life changes. 07:31 What was a real significant change for you? 07:34 Alanzo: restlessness. 07:37 Dijon: a combination of many of them. 07:41 I went for many nights sleepless. 07:45 I recall once, I was lying in the bed trying to sleep, 07:49 I would close my eyes and shut my eyes and just try to 07:54 play mental gymnastics because to think about all three 07:59 of them at the same time was too overwhelming. 08:02 I would have to separate them and think about my wife. 08:06 Then I would stop and think about my daughter. 08:09 And then I would stop and think about my son. 08:12 And then I would stop, but if I thought about all three 08:14 of them, it would drive me crazy. 08:16 I thought about this enormous responsibility that I had 08:20 to this teenager who was entering into adulthood. 08:25 I had this last shot to give him whatever I needed to 08:28 give him to teach him whatever I needed to teach him. 08:32 Here I was compromised with more responsibility. 08:37 The sleepless nights was the big one. 08:43 Alanzo: alright, moving on is essential for the survival 08:51 of an individual after a crises such as yours. 08:55 How to move on has often been the question people ask. 09:01 If I may take the privilege of saying that Dijon has 09:06 put back his life together. 09:09 He has gone through the pain and share with us very 09:14 briefly, where you are today. 09:16 We talk about the death that happened so many years back, 09:20 are you still in the quagmire of loneliness, by yourself, 09:24 sleepless nights, or have you moved on? 09:29 I was fortunate, God sent a church sister of mine who 09:37 made sense, who had a calm spirit, who decided to invest 09:45 in me, although I felt I was broken. 09:50 Alanzo: so in short what happened? 09:52 Almost 2 years later I got remarried and we are presently 10:01 expecting our first. 10:10 Alanzo: so even though Dijon has gone through this 10:14 terrible mishap, he realized that he has to move on. 10:18 And that is what you all have to do in life. 10:21 You have to be able to move on. 10:23 What is the first task that one has to do in order for 10:28 such a one to move on? 10:31 One of the things that is essential, 10:33 is accepting this loss. 10:35 Recognizing what it means to you and then recognizing 10:40 that it is a irreversible. 10:42 It is time to move on. 10:44 Alanzo: so you are saying except the reality, no denial. 10:48 Because often times we like to stay in denial. 10:51 Sometimes we wallow in self-pity, we have to move on. 10:55 Okay, so I accept my reality, okay yes this is what has 10:59 happened, where do I go from there? 11:02 Then we have what we often refer to as, 11:05 working through the grief. 11:07 So yes, the reality is accepted, but the fact 11:10 is you are still hurting, you are still in pain. 11:14 Now you must move through that pain. 11:16 So you are going to work through this grief as best as 11:19 you can, which is to do it in your own way. 11:21 Again we are saying people have different ways in which 11:24 way they do that. 11:25 So whatever it is, hanging with your family, 11:27 or with your friends, or crying as you like, 11:29 or finding a hobby, 11:31 or doing whatever it is that comes naturally for you to 11:34 bring comfort, you must work through this loss. 11:38 And thirdly you have to make adjustments. 11:41 We have to make an adjustment to the reality of the 11:44 situation, whether it is an internal adjustment, 11:48 excepting myself, my situation, we may have to make 11:51 an external adjustment. 11:53 He made an external adjustment by marrying again. 11:57 God has blessed you now with a child on its way. 12:00 We have to make this kind of adjustment in order 12:04 for us to move on. 12:06 That is one of the difficulties that many people have 12:08 because they have been so socialized in the lifestyle 12:11 they had before this loss, or their experience might have 12:14 been set in a way that brought them comfort, and now the 12:17 adjustment changed their life as it were. 12:20 Their function, maybe they have to relocate, maybe they 12:23 have to downsize, whatever adjustments will be necessary. 12:26 If you are going to move on you must let go of the past 12:28 and move forward. 12:30 For a Christian person listening to this program, what 12:36 role will spirituality play in all of this adjustment? 12:41 And briefly, very briefly, did spirituality play any 12:45 role in your adjustment? 12:48 I believe in my heart that spirituality played the major 12:54 part in this adjustment. 12:56 One could always say that, okay I'm going to develop a 13:00 new norm, so I will use a different type of soap. 13:05 I get a different type of car. 13:09 I live in a different neighborhood. 13:11 I changed jobs, whatever it may be you will try to create 13:16 this new norm and surround yourself with just things. 13:21 You find it will not pacify, what makes the real difference 13:25 is when you actually rely on God. 13:31 On the relationship that you have with Him and trust Him 13:34 to take you where you need to be. 13:40 Not where you think that you should be. 13:42 Alanzo: thank you Dijon, I think that was well said. 13:47 We have been talking about surviving the ultimate loss, 13:52 which is death and it is not easy. 13:55 We are cognizant of the fact that there are hurting 13:58 people out there who have gone through a tragedy, 14:00 maybe not as severe as Dijon, or maybe just as similar. 14:04 Whatever the situation is, we are saying you have to get 14:08 to the stage where you accept the reality of your loss. 14:12 You work through your pain and you move on. 14:15 Above all, trust God with your life. 14:18 He will give you strength. 14:19 He will give you power. 14:21 And He will give you comfort. 14:23 Never give up, keep holding on. |
Revised 2014-12-17