Participants: Alanzo & June Smith
Series Code: FFH
Program Code: FFH00004B
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00:03 Welcome back you have been watching Families 4 Heaven.
00:09 We are talking about 00:11 Ingredients That Builds a Happy Marriage. 00:15 We are so happy that you took the time out to join us 00:19 in our discussion on building stronger marriages and 00:24 stronger families. 00:25 Tell us a little about yourself and how 00:29 you have been married. 00:31 First of all of us like to thank you for inviting us 00:34 to be here, is our pleasure. 00:37 My name is Lizet and I'm here with my husband 00:41 Julio tonight. 00:43 We are with the from the Adventist church and we have 00:49 been married for 36 years, by the grace of God. 00:52 We are so happy to be here. 00:57 Alanzo: any children from the lovely marriage? 01:00 Yeah we have 6 children, and 4 beautiful grandchildren. 01:08 Alanzo: it is obvious Dr. June, that this lovely couple 01:13 must be doing something wonderful. 01:16 Every day we hear about marriages lasting for a year, 01:21 some four, some five, but not a long time. 01:24 They have 30 how many? Guests: 36. Alanzo: 36 years. 01:29 That speaks volumes in this day and age. 01:34 So share with us some of the ingredients that you put 01:37 into your marriage that allowed you to survive these 01:41 many years. 01:43 By the grace of God, as I said we've been married for 01:48 36 years, and we got married at a very young age. 01:53 Through the years we learnt a lot of things. 01:57 We have our upside downs and we learn from that. 02:03 We learned ingredients as to how to communicate. 02:08 How to spend time together. 02:12 How to respect each other. 02:16 Alanzo: so I hear you say, first of all you learned how 02:20 to communicate. 02:22 Dr. June, Virginia Sitar speaks about communication 02:26 and the communication theory, could you address that for 02:31 us as it relates to its importance in a marriage? 02:34 In fact it is said that communication is the number one, 02:39 it is on the top of the list of major problems that cause 02:43 family dysfunction or disruption. 02:46 So for all the things that people have problems with, 02:48 communication is one. 02:51 So you have mastered that, you have probably been ahead of the 02:54 game, but yes according to communication theories, there 02:58 is nothing called no communication. 03:02 All families communicate, even when they withdraw and 03:06 go silent, they called the silent treatment, the fact is 03:10 they are communicating ineffectively, 03:13 but they do communicate. 03:15 So if you are developing the good methods of communicating, 03:19 clearly you have learned well. 03:21 Alanzo: is there anything else you would like to share with us? 03:24 We usually spend time together, we usually like to take 03:31 a walk and that is when we try to speak to each other 03:37 about problems, our happiness, about everything. 03:43 Alanzo: so you go for leisurely walks. 03:46 Julio: Sometime we are doing something together in 03:49 the kitchen too. 03:51 Sometimes, mop and I wash the dishes too, I like to help her. 03:58 Alanzo: that's good I like what he says about helping 04:02 in the kitchen, you know I have my limitations there. 04:05 I do try, I do try. 04:10 Dr. June: one of the ingredients in a happy marriage is 04:11 admit your limitations. 04:16 Julio, I admired what you said about working in the 04:21 kitchen because often times men tend to think, it is a 04:27 stereo typical thinking into believing we are not 04:30 supposed to help in the kitchen, sometimes that creates 04:33 problems, so I can see how that helps to strengthen your 04:36 marriage relationship over the years. 04:39 Dr. June: and it is good modeling for your sons so that 04:43 they learn that you help your wife with chores, washing 04:47 dishes, mopping the floor, and doing all the things that 04:50 need to be done at home. 04:52 Lizet: we also say positive words to each other, we never 04:58 call names, we respect each other as much as we can. 05:04 Dr. June: so even if you get upset you speak to the issue 05:08 and not attack the person. 05:11 Lizet: when I get mad, when I'm very disappointed, I stay 05:16 quiet, I don't say anything so he knows. 05:19 I say it is not time to talk, give me a break, and then 05:25 we'll go back to this. 05:27 Dr. June: that is good strategy, you are protesting 05:29 and recognizing that there is a problem. 05:31 You are saying we have to talk about this, but right now 05:34 you are not feeling calm enough to talk. 05:37 So you would rather not talk at that point, 05:40 then you'll talk later. 05:42 So you do not say the wrong things at that point. 05:45 Alanzo: and that is crucial, that is very important. 05:47 It is a beautiful ingredient they are mentioning here. 05:50 Sometimes we like to speak in the spur of the moment. 05:53 We like to talk we are angry, when we are upset, we want 05:57 to fight back, and that is not always the best strategy. 06:01 To maintain healthy marriages put that ingredient in, know 06:05 when to say what, and know how to say it. 06:08 We also say affirmation words, positive words to each other. 06:16 Alanzo, so you do affirmation, so he would tell you... 06:23 Lizet: for example, when he is cleaning the kitchen, 06:28 even if he doesn't do it the way I do it, I learned that 06:33 I have to thank him for helping me. 06:35 Dr. June: so you say thank you I really appreciate your 06:40 helping, and that encourages him to keep trying. 06:43 Yes! Alanzo: what if you see her dressed up like she has 06:46 a nice hairdo or beautiful dress, 06:49 what would be your response? 06:50 When I see her beautiful, I say it looks beautiful. 07:00 Alanzo: that's nice, that's very nice. 07:02 Dr. June: and we are saying that is an essential ingredient 07:04 you want to appreciate and affirm each other, daily. 07:08 Alanzo: marriage sometimes is not as difficult as some 07:12 people tend to make it. 07:14 It is because we are not putting in these ingredients 07:17 that we are talking about that sometimes 07:19 make it so difficult. 07:21 Dr. June could you share with us some more of the things 07:26 that we can put into our marriages to make it wholesome 07:30 and happy and long lasting? 07:32 I think one of the important principles is that couples 07:37 first must be friends. 07:39 I find that we relate to our friends so nicely, so kindly. 07:45 We look out for their interests. 07:47 We spent quality time with them. 07:49 The things that make us happy we want to share with them. 07:52 So when your spouse is your friend, your best friend, 07:56 then it's easier for you to relate in a friendly way. 08:00 But if you have a best friend outside of your spouse, 08:04 then your spouse is discounted. 08:07 So I think it is essential for us to recognize that there 08:10 has to be mutual fulfillment between each other. 08:14 That we are meeting the needs of the other. 08:16 Alanzo: well said, I would also add that each individual 08:21 needs to be emotionally healthy. 08:25 Many times individuals going into a relationship hoping 08:29 that they will become whole as a result of that relationship. 08:34 Now Dr. Smith, we talk about some of these things that 08:39 help to make marriages wholesome, but what if a family 08:44 is watching, or listening, and those ingredients are not 08:48 there, they once had been but they have disappeared. 08:53 The question is, Can those ingredients be regained? 08:57 Dr. June: again when you are married, your commitment 09:01 should be to stay married and to stay in a happy state, 09:05 so that if you have gotten to a point in your relationship 09:09 where you find that your marriage feels dull 09:12 and there isn't much passion, the things that you are 09:16 accustomed to do for each other isn't happening anymore, then 09:21 yes, you can take responsibility to turn it around. 09:24 We can turn around large corporations. 09:27 We are even trying to turn around the economy of the 09:30 world, we can turn around our marriages. 09:33 It takes a committed, dedicated, intentional effort 09:38 on both parties part. 09:41 I would like to take you to the good book, the Bible. 09:46 I would like to share with you a text in 1 Corinthians 30. 09:51 I will share with you from a New Testament in a modern version. 09:55 It says, "love is patient and kind. " 10:00 That is powerful, patient and kind. 10:04 Dr. June: it is essential that when you are in a 10:08 relationship that you cannot carry grudges, you can 10:12 not exercise envy of the other person. 10:15 In fact, you are your spouse's best friend so that you 10:20 cannot be jealous of your partner. 10:22 Your role in the relationship is to support and elevate 10:26 your partner, your spouse. 10:28 Alanzo: Love is not forward or self-centered, narcissism cannot 10:35 reside within the heart. 10:37 You have to be open, you have to be free, and you have 10:42 to be honest with each other. 10:45 In a marriage there is no space for boasting 10:49 and conceded-ness. 10:51 One partner might be much more talented than the other. 10:55 May have skills that can outdo the other, but the role 10:59 of that partner is to complement your spouse so that 11:03 together, as a team, you win. 11:06 Can love be rekindled? 11:09 You both have been married for a long time, 36 years. 11:15 A lovely family, what would you say to them, can you 11:19 give them anything that would say yes, love can be 11:23 rekindled, or can it not be? 11:26 Definitely it can, Dr. Smith. 11:30 We compromise ourselves a long time ago that we were 11:35 going to stay together in a healthy marriage, happily. 11:39 Not perfect, we are not perfect marriage, but we try 11:45 our best and we are going to be growing in our longest 11:51 marriage together. 11:53 First of all, we have God in the center of our relationship. 11:58 So clearly you are suggesting that spirituality is one 12:05 dimension in a relationship that keeps the marriage stable. 12:09 Lizet: definitely we also compromise to pray together, 12:15 to spend more time praying every single day. 12:21 Morning, afternoon, evening and that helps us to 12:26 strengthen our marriage. 12:29 No wonder it says, a family that prays together stays together. 12:33 Alanzo: that is so true. 12:35 To rekindle love in a marital relationship both parties have 12:41 to have what we call a non-judgmental attitude. 12:45 If you start judging each other, you are not going to 12:48 be able to rekindle love. 12:50 You have to have this non-judgmental attitude where 12:54 you show respect for each other, and not judging each other. 12:59 Lizet: another thing Dr. Smith, do good things to each other. 13:04 Once in a while, Julio surprised me at work. 13:08 He knows that I am very busy and that I work hard and 13:12 not going to have time for lunch. 13:15 So he brings me a lunch, so I love that because he 13:19 surprised me, he makes my day. 13:21 Dr. June: very nice. Alanzo: beautiful, that's wonderful. 13:24 Julio: we are trying you know. 13:25 Dr. June: I'm sure that it is mutual, that there are 13:28 times when you will surprise him as well. Lizet: yes! 13:32 Sometimes I call him from outside and say, 13:36 Julio can you step outside? 13:38 He goes why? because I am outside. 13:44 Dr. June: that's nice that you pop in at work and surprise him. 13:47 Alanzo: is it possible for two people who are not 13:51 experiencing the love they once had, that they could 13:55 rekindle that love by starting to date over? 13:59 Dr. June: that is what happened, usually in pre-marriage, where 14:03 there is so much passion in that process, in that dating stage. 14:08 So certainly, if they can recapture the essence of what 14:12 brought them together and as it were, strike the match 14:15 allover again, then they are likely to rekindle the 14:19 emotions that brought them together. 14:21 Of course, they want to process what is it that we have 14:25 committed ourselves to? 14:26 Once you cognitively establish that you have meaning, 14:32 and that your relationship has a significant reason to 14:37 be, and to exist, then you are likely to find enough 14:41 ingredients to stay together. 14:44 I think a good motto to live by is, don't quit, recommit. 14:52 Don't walk away from your marriage, 14:54 recommit to the health of the marriage. 14:57 Every marriage needs to be maintained, call it marriage 15:01 maintenance, for these people to have had their marriage 15:04 going for 36 years, and you look as if you're going to 15:08 have many, many more years to go. 15:10 They must have maintained the marriage. 15:13 How can one maintain their marriage? 15:15 Dr. June: I think like all other institutions, we take 15:19 responsibility to do upkeep. 15:22 We maintain our cars, our lawns, our hair, 15:25 we take responsibility to groom the things that 15:28 need to be maintained. 15:30 So as it is in our marriage. 15:31 We know the things that each other like and take personal 15:35 pride in each other and we do all the things that will 15:38 certainly build the other person up. 15:41 As long as you are constructive in your relationship 15:44 between each other, then the building, the institution 15:46 of marriage will last, will be strong. 15:49 We have been talking about the ingredients of a happy 15:52 marriage, and there are several things we have mentioned. 15:55 The number one thing that we want to mention however, 15:59 is to make sure you let God be the center of your life. 16:03 We cannot get away from what the Psalmist says, 16:06 "except the Lord build the house they labor in vain" 16:10 "that build it. " 16:12 May God bless you. |
Revised 2014-12-17