Participants: Alanzo & June Smith
Series Code: FFH
Program Code: FFH00007A
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00:04 With each new day families are failing, homes are broken.
00:09 Marriages are threatened, fathers are absent. 00:13 Children are rebellious but all is not lost. 00:17 Homes can be healed and hearts can be mended. 00:21 Let's reclaim our Families 4 Heaven. 00:35 Thank you for watching Families 4 Heaven. 00:38 I'm Alanzo Smith and my co-host is June Smith. 00:43 we're discussing Self-efficacy, Understanding Who I Am. 00:50 It is critical and extremely important that every child, 00:58 grow up with a strong image of themselves. 01:02 The child as they develop is endorsed and affirmed by their 01:08 parents, their teachers, their caregivers, and they begin to 01:14 understand what their strengths are, what their limitations are, 01:17 and that allows them to build confidence. 01:21 In order for a child to feel secure and to achieve their 01:24 ultimate development, they must understand what their strengths 01:30 are, what their limitations are, in other words, they must be 01:35 able to answer the question, who am I? 01:37 That is so true, unfortunately there are many individuals 01:45 professionals, and non- professionals who do not 01:50 have a healthy self-esteem. 01:53 They haven't developed Self-efficacy. 01:56 There are some causative factors and one of them is peer pressure 02:02 Sometimes individuals allow their peers to define who they 02:07 are, to think for them. 02:09 They feel they are not someone or somebody unless they follow 02:15 another person. 02:17 That in and of itself is self-defeating. 02:20 Children sometimes get low measure of themselves, 02:24 when they are compared with another person. 02:27 Even in a family where you have two siblings, 02:30 one child might have talents that are not idiosyncratic 02:36 to the other child. 02:37 If a parent were to compare this child with his brother 02:41 or his sister, and then the child thinks that something is 02:45 wrong with him. 02:46 So we want to do is help each Child to value themselves for 02:50 who they are and that will establish their 02:54 own sense of worth. 02:56 We are talking about causative factors, why one may 03:02 develop self-esteem. 03:05 There are some parents who are just negative. 03:08 They don't see a star in the child. 03:13 They think negatively they speak negatively toward the child. 03:18 And they say they think sometimes they don't mean it 03:20 hoping it will motivate the child, sometimes like they are 03:25 doing paradoxical intervention. 03:27 They say something negative hoping in the child will 03:29 respond positively, but most times it does not work that way. 03:34 So parents do not speak negatively towards your children 03:40 Some children find it real difficult to accept their flaws. 03:45 They equate their worth and their identity with the 03:50 mistakes they make. 03:52 So we try to help children understand that it is extremely 03:57 necessary that you know you will make mistakes, but that does not 04:02 define who you are. 04:03 So your reality is not necessarily defined by 04:08 the errors in judgment you make. 04:10 Over identity with failure. 04:15 Sometimes we fail as we all do at times and there are 04:20 individuals who are able to brace themselves up, 04:24 move on, get over it. 04:26 There are others that are not able to. 04:29 They become depressed or stressed and they take on 04:34 the failure thinking that is their life. 04:37 Or they see themselves as failures. 04:40 When you're over identified with failure, it is a sign of 04:44 someone who is experiencing negative self-worth. 04:48 There are some individuals who have a poor image of themselves. 04:53 One they may have compared it with others, instead of having 04:57 their own identity, they have an image of somebody they should 05:01 be like, we call that over identification. 05:03 Sometimes their heroes become their own identity. 05:08 So rather than accepting their reality, they are living their 05:10 lives in somebody else's skin as it were. 05:12 That allows them to feel incomplete, because you can't 05:19 be somebody other than who you are. 05:21 So what we try to do is to help children appreciate 05:24 who they are, to work on the limits they have, 05:26 and celebrate the strengths they have. 05:29 Unrealistic expectation often times people develop grandiose 05:36 idea of who they are and what they can accomplish. 05:42 When this does not happen then they become depressed, 05:47 they feel like they are failures. 05:49 So when you have these grandiose ideas, they can limit your 05:55 ability to function and for you to move along in life. 05:59 So our encouragement is that do not have unrealistic 06:04 expectations, be a realist. 06:06 Another factor is that some children, and even adults, 06:13 are criticized by their significant others. 06:16 By their teachers, their parents, their counselors. 06:20 They are diminished. They feel belittled. 06:24 They equate that criticism with their identity. 06:28 So I am who my teachers say I am. 06:31 Or I am whom my parent or neighbors think I am. 06:34 As a result they have such a hard time feeling good 06:40 about themselves. 06:41 If someone were to tell you that you are who they think 06:46 you are, they are wrong. 06:48 That is so true! 06:50 We have with us here two wonderful young people. 06:56 We have Ryan Sharpe, and we have Stephanie Shaw. 07:02 Sharpe and Shaw. 07:04 Welcome, will you help me welcome them here? 07:16 Ryan, welcome and tell us who you are and just 07:21 a little about yourself. 07:22 Thank you so much for having me. 07:24 I am a Christian and also an attorney who practices 07:28 law in New York. 07:30 Alanzo: wonderful, wonderful. Stephanie. 07:32 Thank you, I am an executive manager for a major nonprofit 07:35 organization and pretty much active in the singles ministry 07:38 department at my church. 07:40 Alanzo: we have some questions that we want to ask you both. 07:46 We see you both as two individuals who understand what 07:53 self-efficacy is all about. 07:55 Without being arrogant, you know who you are. 08:01 We want to find out who you are and want you to share that 08:05 with our listeners. 08:06 So Ryan, here is my question for you. 08:09 As you develop in life, what do you think were some of the 08:15 things that were responsible for you to have a positive 08:21 sense of self? 08:23 You mentioned it earlier, and I think the affirmations 08:27 I got from my mother, especially when I was an adolescent. 08:31 Those affirmations were critical in terms of my 08:34 positive image of myself. 08:36 Alanzo: thank you very much. 08:38 Dr. June: Stephanie, as you reflect on your own person 08:43 what messages did you tell yourself that helped you 08:49 strengthen your image of self? 08:51 The messages were really, I think, what messages that were 08:53 inculcated in me as I was growing up. 08:56 I was always taught to reach for my dreams. 08:58 So one of things I can remember is my aunt used to say 09:03 you don't need to have a job you need a career. 09:05 Anyone can have a job, but a career is something that 09:08 stays with you for life. 09:09 So those dreams have really formed and shaped me as I 09:12 moved forward and continued into my adult life. 09:14 Dr. June: so the dreams, as you call them, are the injunctions 09:17 you got from your significant other's? 09:20 Your mother, your aunt helped you understand and accept 09:23 you had some where you were going? Stephanie: yes! 09:27 My faith helped to guide me through it. 09:29 What would you consider some of your strengths? 09:34 Ryan: perseverance through hardship, the ability to work 09:39 with others, and I think I am a good listener as well. 09:43 Those are my strengths. 09:45 Dr. June: now there are strengths as well as limitations 09:51 How do you address your limitations? 09:53 I first acknowledge that I have limitations. 09:56 Sometimes I'm humbled that I have them because in having 09:59 these limitations I believe God helped me to deal with them. 10:03 as I yield myself over to Him. 10:05 First I acknowledge and once I acknowledge, I asked the Lord 10:10 to give me strength to deal with those limitations. 10:13 I find it helps me to grow as a Christian. 10:16 Dr. June: now I'm sure you work many young people. 10:19 Some of them you might find don't think well, or feel-good 10:25 about themselves. 10:26 What might you say to a young person that would 10:30 help them improve of their self-image? 10:31 I would first say accepting themselves for who they are. 10:35 One of the things I think is critical is that one has to 10:38 first believe in themselves and not just believing, but loving 10:42 is critical, I love myself. 10:44 I do love myself, and I love who I am and I've always 10:48 encouraged individuals. 10:49 I would like to steal a line, I think, from Mike Angelo, 10:52 and I quote, and I use this council for singles 10:54 that a woman's heart should be so hidden that a man should 11:00 have to see him to find Christ. 11:04 I think if we have Christ in our hearts as Christians as 11:06 singles, as young adults, if we love ourselves that much, 11:09 and we have Him hidden in our hearts, if the man is coming 11:12 after us, he has to seek God first in order to find us. 11:15 That is really loving oneself. 11:17 Alanzo: you emphasize Ryan, at the beginning, your first 11:22 a Christian, so what role did your faith play in developing 11:27 your sense of self? 11:28 Well understanding God's character and who He is, 11:32 I see a God who is encouraging and when I look at the parables 11:36 of Luke I see a God who seeks for the lost coin, for the lost 11:40 sheep and that tells me that God looks at us individually. 11:43 He is seeking to have a relationship with us. 11:46 He values us and when I look at that I seek God values me. 11:49 That is where my sense of value comes from. 11:51 So that is a good example, I'm thinking also, like when God 11:57 wanted Jeremiah to do a particular job and He called 12:01 Jeremiah, and Jeremiah says, I cannot Lord for I am but a youth 12:05 He says don't say that, because I have already appointed you 12:09 to be a nation, a speaker unto the people. 12:14 You are saying that your faith played a significant role in 12:21 determining who you are. Ryan: yes, it is the lens 12:23 through which I view the world. 12:25 I am viewing the world now as God would have me view it. 12:28 It's quite a different look. 12:31 Dr. June: there are many Christians who believe that 12:36 they can't think good about themselves because 12:40 they are nothing, that they are only find strength as they 12:45 immerse, or subject themselves to God and we acknowledge that. 12:50 That it is God who gives us our strengths and talents. 12:53 But I believe that God wants us to take what He gives us 12:57 in our hands and use it to His honor and glory. 13:01 So that you shouldn't, you talked about the talents one 13:07 person getting the talent and hiding it. 13:09 Another person getting his talents and using it and 13:12 multiplying it and use it to God's glory. 13:14 Now I'm sure you have some text that you may have drawn on. 13:19 That assist you in the way you view yourself. 13:22 What might that be? 13:23 Yes, I love Jeremiah 29 verse 11 it says, "I know the plans" 13:27 "I have for you, plans to prosper you and not to harm you" 13:31 "plans for hope and a future. " 13:33 I embrace that text and it has been the forefront of my life. 13:39 I can see the results of it. 13:40 Alanzo: Ryan, your self-esteem has it helped you in reaching 13:49 your goal, and if so, how? 13:50 Ryan: most definitely, and I share my testimony often with 13:54 young people and law school and the bar exam. 13:57 Being honest with them I told them it wasn't easy, in fact, 14:00 it took me a few times before I was even successful on 14:03 the exam itself. 14:04 I shared that story because throughout it all God was 14:09 encouraging me to go ahead. 14:10 you know when I was younger I wanted to become a lawyer, 14:13 but I did not know how hard the work would be. 14:15 At each step of the way, and with each setback, God was 14:18 encouraging me to go ahead. 14:20 Alanzo: so the message you are giving young people, don't quit! 14:27 Ryan: don't quit! 14:28 Alanzo: because there are challenges out there and we 14:32 are not trying to sugar-coat life and to say as you pray 14:35 and ask something you are going to get it. 14:37 Or that you will be successful. 14:38 We are saying there are times when your faith will be tested. 14:42 There are times when you have to try and try and try again. 14:45 Don't give up, and you are using yourself as an example 14:48 to give that message. Ryan: yes. 14:51 Dr. June: some young people think, and maybe even adults, 14:55 that they don't have to do anything, God is going to take 14:59 care of them, and so they sit in bed and watch TV, or they 15:03 just wait on the matter to fall. 15:06 Is there a conflict between your reliance on God, 15:09 and your self-efficacy? 15:12 There is no conflict because I believe my existence is on 15:17 reliance on God, I don't exist without relying on God 15:21 for everything, but I do believe this, I do believe the Lord will 15:25 not do anything for me that I can do for myself. 15:27 Therefore it encourages me, at the same time to know if there 15:31 is something I think I can't do I can go to Him as a friend 15:35 and as of Him. 15:36 So there is a saying that says, that God helps them who can not 15:40 help themselves, but He also helps those who can help 15:42 themselves so we have to know our limitations and should 15:44 rely on Him and that is what I do. 15:46 So you are saying that God gives as talents, and He gives us 15:49 skills and He expects us to develop these skills to our 15:51 best potential and use it to His glory. 15:54 Stephanie: exactly! 15:55 Alanzo: not only do you talk about your sense of self, 16:00 but the way you present yourself you have a beautiful smile, 16:04 are you happy with yourself Stephanie? 16:06 I am happy with myself and I love myself. 16:08 Alanzo: Ryan, you talk with a lot of confidence, 16:12 are you happy with yourself? 16:14 Yes I am, by God's grace, His image of me makes me happy 16:18 with myself, yes. 16:20 Dr. June: and that's what happens, the closer you get 16:22 to Him, the more you understand you are product of His hands. 16:26 Alanzo: you notice that as we listen to these two individuals, 16:30 there was never a moment when a negative statement came 16:37 out of their mouth. 16:38 Not at all, yet we are living in a society and an age where 16:43 people are bombarded with negative statements. 16:46 Statements that they give themselves. 16:49 Dr. June: what would you say to an individual who says, 16:52 I don't think I am an important person, I don't like myself. 16:58 I am not special, what would you say to such a person? 17:02 Unfortunately when a person, whatever person thinks is 17:06 usually correct, so what I would do is help that person explore 17:11 why they have come to that conclusion and then challenge 17:15 their thinking so they can change that thought. 17:18 Alanzo: we really want you to take a keen look at what we 17:23 are saying because it is very important, cognitive behavior 17:29 is really strong and the way you behave, think and act 17:35 cognitively, will determine your feeling and your behavior. 17:39 Thank you so much Stephanie for sharing with us a little 17:43 of yourself, and thank you Ryan for coming on our show, 17:46 and sharing a little of yourself and telling us who you are. 17:49 We are very happy that you took the time out to be here. 17:52 We have a lot more to talk about self-efficacy. 17:55 We will take a break and be right back! |
Revised 2014-12-17