Participants:
Series Code: IC
Program Code: IC180110A
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00:01 The following program discusses sensitive issues
00:03 related to sexuality. 00:05 Parents are cautioned 00:06 this presentation may be too candid 00:08 for younger audiences. 00:30 Welcome to Intimate Clarity. 00:32 I'm Jason Bradley, and I'm here with Jennifer Jill Schwirzer, 00:35 and she is a licensed professional counselor. 00:38 And we have a very special topic 00:41 that we're going to discuss today, 00:43 a popular topic, 00:44 and it's a conversation that we need to have. 00:47 So, Jen, is there an ideal foolproof plan 00:52 in terms of finding a life partner? 00:55 Yeah, like a foolproof formula, you follow these steps 00:59 and you're going to live happily ever after. 01:01 Right? Yeah, absolutely. 01:03 No, I don't think there is, 01:05 and I think when we try 01:06 to come up with these foolproof plans, 01:07 what it effectively does is gets us to rely on the plan 01:10 instead of relying on God to lead us. 01:13 And so it's a risky thing 01:14 actually to have too foolproof of a plan. 01:16 But there are some basic principles 01:18 that we can employ 01:20 in the process of finding a life partner. 01:23 Okay, okay. Yeah. 01:25 And what might some of those be or...? 01:27 Yeah, good, I want to unpack that 01:29 but I want to talk first of all about 01:31 how God leads us step-by-step in our lives 01:35 to the place where we're ready to find a life partner 01:38 because actually there's a whole kind of course 01:42 throughout life in learning how to love and be loved 01:45 that God accomplishes with us. 01:47 You're married, correct? I'm married, that's correct. 01:48 I have two children. Nice. 01:50 And are you married? 01:51 I'm not married, I have a girlfriend. 01:53 I want to get married one day, that's the goal. 01:55 All right, good. 01:56 So you're really tuning in on this one, that's good. 01:58 That's good. 02:00 So basically what God does is that at every stage of life, 02:03 He builds our brain and builds our capacity 02:06 to love and be loved. 02:08 So it starts with a mother, a child, 02:10 or we call primary caregiver and child relationship. 02:15 And it's amazing as you study neuroscience 02:17 and developmental process, 02:19 you see how impacting that relationship 02:22 between the mother and the child 02:24 is in terms of building in that child 02:26 the capacity for future relationships 02:29 and for trust bonding. 02:31 So mother plays such an essential role 02:34 as she cares for that tiny infant. 02:36 And I'm not saying father isn't part of that 02:38 but women are especially set up physiologically 02:40 and psychologically to be able to nurture a tiny infant. 02:44 Yeah, there's definitely some things 02:45 that we can't do that women... 02:47 Yes, yes, yes. 02:49 Yeah, exactly, exactly, those nurturing impulses 02:50 and we can feed the baby from our own body 02:51 and I've never known a man that could do that. 02:54 That's exactly what I was talking about. 02:56 Right, exactly. 02:57 So then along comes dad, and about three years old, 02:59 the child starts to interact with a dad more and more 03:03 and the father really stretches the child 03:05 and increases the child's capacity 03:06 for risk-taking and this type of thing. 03:08 So he plays his own special part. 03:11 And then typically in the lifetime line 03:14 comes siblings, 03:15 and siblings are the first really horizontal relationship 03:18 we have as human beings 03:19 where we're actually negotiating, 03:21 and we're resolving conflict, 03:23 and we're learning how to share. 03:25 We learn a whole new set of skills. 03:27 And when you say horizontal, you mean like equal? 03:29 On an equal playing field? 03:30 Exactly, we're on an equal plane 03:32 pretty much with siblings 03:33 although there's an age difference usually 03:35 but we're not like parent-child, 03:36 like that kind of authority configuration. 03:38 Yes, yes. 03:39 So we're learning more horizontal skills 03:42 and those skills we use in the next relationship, 03:45 which is friendship building. 03:47 And that's the first relationship 03:48 that we develop outside of our family. 03:50 So it's the first chosen relationship. 03:52 And we've already developed this whole skill set 03:54 and now we're using it on friends. 03:57 And that kind of relationship prepares us 03:59 for the next relationship which is a life partner. 04:03 And I don't know if you realize this yet being unmarried but, 04:06 you know, I can say this as a married person 04:08 that what your life partner is, 04:10 is basically a friend on steroids. 04:12 I mean, you've got that romantic component for sure 04:16 and they're part of your family but you're also friends 04:18 and most of the time you're interacting as friends 04:20 and negotiating the way friends do. 04:23 And so it's really important to learn friendship 04:25 because it maybe you've experienced this 04:26 if it's all about the romantic attraction, 04:30 it's going to burn out sooner or later. 04:32 Well, yeah, I think that, you know, 04:34 that friendship element is extremely important 04:38 because as you get married and then years down the line, 04:41 there's going to be certain things 04:42 that may fall off, like in terms of that romance 04:46 or in terms of, you know, 04:49 what if somebody gets into a car accident 04:50 or something and you got to be in love with that person 04:54 and that friendship is so important. 04:56 That's right. 04:57 And what happens in the romantic phase 04:59 of a relationship is there's elevated dopamine, 05:01 which is the pleasure neurotransmitter, 05:03 and actually lowered serotonin, 05:06 which is the mood elevating neurotransmitter, 05:09 and there's higher levels of adrenaline 05:11 in the "in-love" phase of a relationship. 05:13 But there's no way that you can neurologically 05:17 sustain that "in-love" state 05:19 for more than like a year or two. 05:21 Wow. 05:22 Your brain just... 05:23 It doesn't have the capacity for it. 05:25 So you're... 05:26 Like kind of like the honeymoon stage 05:28 that people talk about. 05:29 Yeah. Yeah, exactly. 05:30 And you can retain the early affections 05:33 but what happens is the feelings tend to lead 05:37 and the behaviors follow before marriage, 05:41 but once you cross the altar, sometime after that 05:44 you're going to have to start leading with the behaviors 05:47 and the feelings will follow. 05:48 So the feelings can stay alive, 05:49 they don't have to completely die 05:51 but they're not going to drive the thing forward 05:53 like they do when you're in the in-love phase, so... 05:56 And even the Bible tells us that we're not to operate off 05:59 feelings per se but off principle. 06:02 Feelings matter, God cares about our feelings, they count. 06:03 Yes. 06:05 But they're not going to do a very good job of leading. 06:08 Yeah. 06:09 And especially when you're talking about 06:11 building strong relationships, 06:13 there have to be principles guiding that process. 06:16 So I suggest that because the stakes are so high 06:20 in a married relationship 06:21 and so many things can go wrong, 06:23 that we choose very wisely. 06:25 And so I suggest three phases of searching 06:28 for a life partner, in choosing a life partner. 06:30 Okay. 06:32 This comes from years of experience, 06:34 and reading, and studying. 06:36 For a long time the courtship model was very popular. 06:38 One of the struggles I had with the courtship model, 06:41 even though I believed it was an improvement 06:42 on secular dating 06:44 where feelings lead and passions lead, 06:47 I think the courtship was an improvement 06:49 but one of the issues with it was 06:50 you went often straight from like not interacting 06:53 with the opposite sex, hardly at all 06:56 or at least not in a very meaningful way, 06:58 to being in a very serious committed relationship, 07:01 a courtship. 07:02 And to me, that's too big of a leap. 07:03 So I've inserted a third step which is really the first step, 07:07 which is what I call friendship dating. 07:09 Okay. 07:11 So what I mean by friendship dating 07:12 is getting to know a wide variety of people 07:16 on a friendship level 07:18 and you can just really be honest with them 07:19 and say, "Hey, you know, I'm just getting to know 07:21 a wide variety of people on a friendship level." 07:23 Yeah, yeah. 07:25 "Let's go for a walk, or let's go over here 07:27 and have a sandwich, or let's go for a cup of tea, 07:30 or something and let's just kind of get to know 07:32 each other a little bit." 07:33 As long as you clarify 07:34 that you don't have any serious intentions 07:36 for that relationship, 07:37 I don't see what great harm can come from it. 07:39 Of course, you have to be careful 07:41 not to be wandering off into dark places 07:43 where you might be tempted but, you know, why not have... 07:47 You want to exercise care about building relationships 07:50 with the opposite sex but why be so afraid 07:52 that you don't end up getting to know very many people 07:55 and then end up grabbing 07:56 for any relationship you can find, 07:58 which I've seen happen. 07:59 Yes, yes. 08:01 So basically you want to lay the foundation 08:03 at the beginning, honesty is the best policy. 08:04 That's right. 08:06 And just let them know, "Look, 08:07 I'm getting to know people as a friend..." 08:10 That's right. 08:11 "And then see where it goes from there." 08:14 And as long as you're clear about that, 08:15 then you walk away 08:16 and you still have a friendship, 08:18 even if it didn't lead anywhere else. 08:19 Yes. 08:21 So then the second phase would be more serious dating 08:22 or what we call courtship, 08:24 where you're actually homing in on one person and trying to see 08:27 if that person might be an appropriate life partner. 08:30 And that's a very crucial stage and I'm going to unpack it 08:33 a little bit more later, but thirdly is this, you know, 08:36 the most serious phase before a marriage 08:38 and that's engagement. 08:40 And engagement comes when you've courted someone 08:42 and you've decided that this is the one 08:44 you want to spend your life with. 08:45 So those are the three steps 08:46 that I would break that down to. 08:49 I would also encourage you to ask three questions 08:52 when you're starting to get serious with someone. 08:54 What are these three questions? 08:56 And maybe even the beginning stages of courtship, 08:58 the three questions are "Am I ready? 09:02 Are they ready? 09:03 And are we compatible?" 09:05 Because two people can be ready, 09:08 and yet they can be incompatible. 09:10 Okay. So yeah. 09:12 So break each, break each one of those steps down. 09:15 So "am I ready, are they ready," 09:17 there's some deal-breakers. 09:19 You're not ready if you have 09:21 an active addiction to anything. 09:22 Okay. 09:24 You're not ready if you have previous relationships 09:26 that you don't have closure on or previous relationships 09:29 you haven't really fully healed from. 09:32 'Cause then there's a danger that you're getting involved 09:35 on the rebound. 09:36 Yeah, you're bringing baggage into... 09:37 Bringing baggage with you, exactly. 09:39 Yes, yes. 09:40 You're not ready if you have major financial problems 09:43 that are unresolved. 09:45 You're not ready if you have no clue 09:46 what you're going to do with your life 09:48 and how you're going to make a living. 09:49 There has to be some kind of plan 09:51 for that moving into... 09:52 You don't have to have all the money 09:53 and all the security, how can you? 09:55 You're at the beginning of the life, not at the end. 09:57 But you need to at least have it planned. 09:59 Yes. 10:00 So those are some of the deal-breakers. 10:01 Okay. 10:03 For am I ready, are they ready. 10:04 You should be a person 10:05 of decent maturity level for your age. 10:08 Now you can't expect to be a saint 10:11 ready for translations, 10:12 you know, when you're 25 years old 10:15 but you need to have a decent maturity level 10:17 and have a track record 10:19 of being able to have decent close, 10:22 bonded relationships because after all, 10:24 this is going to be the most bonded relationship 10:25 of your life. 10:27 Yeah. 10:28 You're going to be raising relationship 10:30 to an art form in this relationship. 10:32 You have to have at least a history 10:33 that shows that you're capable of that, 10:35 of resolving conflict, 10:37 of moving through difficult passages, 10:39 having hard conversations and this type of thing. 10:41 So you need to be a decently mature person. 10:44 Then the compatibility issue. Uh-huh. 10:46 That's a more difficult one. Okay. 10:49 Compatibility and sameness are not the same thing. 10:52 I suggest that compatibilities in three basic areas, 10:57 values, gifts, and passions. 10:59 Okay, so values are the morals 11:02 and the principles that I live by. 11:05 Okay. 11:06 If I believe in pouring my life out at service for God 11:08 and this person that I'm dating believes in stockpiling 11:12 as much money as you can and that's what life is for, 11:15 there's no values compatibility there. 11:17 It is an extreme situation. 11:18 Yeah, yeah. I'm using it to illustrate. 11:20 And then gifts, you know, 11:21 I might be very, very gifted musically. 11:24 I might have just a wonderful music gift 11:25 and that might take me all over the world performing. 11:28 If the person that I'm with, doesn't like music, 11:32 and they really don't want to travel 11:34 or have anything to do with someone traveling, 11:35 that's going to be a problem. 11:37 Absolutely. 11:38 And then passions are the things 11:39 that really light a fire under us, 11:41 things that we feel strongly about, 11:43 things that we deeply love, 11:44 things that make us feel good when we do them. 11:47 Maybe someone, I'll use the same example, 11:49 has a passion for serving in the mission field. 11:53 And maybe the person that they're dating 11:55 or that they're courting has a passion 11:58 for a perfect home decor. 11:59 Okay. 12:00 And loves to wear fine clothing, 12:02 people have a taste 12:03 and a talent for that kind of thing 12:05 but they just love to make their home 12:07 look beautiful 12:08 and they love to make themselves 12:09 look beautiful, 12:11 that's not going to fly very well in the mission field 12:12 where you don't even have a curling iron you can plug in. 12:14 Yeah, yeah. 12:16 So like... 12:18 Okay, so if somebody's purpose... 12:21 It's like, okay, let's say you've got person A here, 12:24 their purpose is mission work or ministry. 12:28 And then you have person B who is wanting to just get rich 12:31 and do whatever it takes to get the money. 12:33 Yeah. 12:34 They're going to be... 12:35 There's no compatibility. 12:37 Yeah, they're going to be incompatible. 12:38 And I suggest that 12:39 if you're really wondering about compatibility 12:41 because compatibility and sameness 12:42 are not the same thing, you know. 12:44 Uh-huh, uh-huh. 12:45 You don't have to be alike to be compatible. 12:46 In fact, sometimes opposites attract 12:48 and work better together. 12:49 Yes. 12:50 One person's choleric, one person's more phlegmatic, 12:52 very assertive, very laid-back, 12:54 they're probably going to work together 12:56 better than two cholerics. 12:57 So it's not necessarily sameness. 12:59 But I would suggest that 13:00 two things can help you figure out 13:02 if you're compatible. 13:03 Okay. 13:05 Three things, the hard work of thinking 13:06 through the issues. 13:07 I would say working with a marriage counselor 13:09 or a pre-engagement counselor is an important thing to do, 13:12 and I have a list of questions I give my clients 13:14 that are just very detailed. 13:16 They ask about everything from whether you believe in this, 13:19 to money, how you manage money, in-laws issues, 13:22 all kinds of stuff. 13:24 And then I would suggest that people do the hard work 13:27 of really getting to know each other. 13:29 Yes. 13:30 That's really essential to that process. 13:31 You know, it's interesting, I read in a book, 13:33 basically like people go to school for so long 13:37 to get that degree. 13:38 Yeah. 13:39 But how long do they put in 13:41 the work for a relationship or marriage? 13:43 Building a relationship, we think it comes naturally, 13:44 it doesn't. 13:46 It takes just as much training, and schooling, 13:47 and hard critical thing as the most, you know, 13:52 developed science that we can possibly study. 13:54 Absolutely. 13:56 And we go into it just kind of boneheaded. 13:58 And there are so many different variables. 14:00 That's right. That's right. 14:01 So another factor is attraction matters, 14:03 do you like this person, 14:05 do you enjoy being around them, that matters too. 14:07 I don't want to leave that out. 14:08 Wow, there's so much. 14:10 Look, if people... 14:11 If you want to go get more information, 14:13 make sure you go to IntimateClarity.TV 14:16 for more information. 14:18 Join us next time, we're out of time. 14:20 See you later. |
Revised 2018-09-17