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Series Code: IC
Program Code: IC180125A
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00:01 The following program discusses sensitive issues
00:03 related to sexuality. 00:05 Parents are cautioned this presentation 00:07 may be too candid for younger audiences. 00:29 Welcome to Intimate Clarity. 00:31 I'm Jason Bradley, 00:32 and here with me is Jennifer Jill Schwirzer. 00:34 She is a licensed professional counselor. 00:37 And today we're going to be discussing a sensitive topic, 00:39 but it's a conversation we need to have. 00:43 Jen, what is so bad about sex before marriage? 00:47 Glad you asked it. Really glad you asked it. 00:50 Our first sexual encounter formats us 00:54 in terms of our appetites and our attractions. 00:58 So if our first encounter is in a transient relationship 01:01 which typically sex 01:03 before marriage tends to be casual, 01:06 uncommitted transient relationships 01:07 that are based on emotion 01:09 and out of the thrill of the moment. 01:11 If that's our first encounter, 01:13 we're gonna have an attraction to that and appetite for that. 01:19 May be latent, 01:20 maybe overwritten by better things, 01:22 but it will remain with us throughout our lives. 01:25 So then you end up in a marriage, 01:27 and you're in a committed relationship, 01:29 well, if your sexual attraction is activated 01:32 by a transient relationship, 01:34 you're not going to feel sexually attracted 01:35 to a committed relationship, 01:37 and then you meet someone at work 01:38 and you think about having a fling 01:40 and that's going to light a fire under you. 01:42 So we're doing that to ourselves. 01:45 We're molding ourselves in those initial encounters. 01:48 Sounds like a bunch of confusion. 01:50 We're confusing ourselves. 01:52 And it's a scary thought, isn't it? 01:53 But let's just reverse that and say that God designed us 01:57 such that our first sexual encounter takes place 02:00 within in a committed relationship, 02:02 and it works on the positive 02:04 because once you have that sexual encounter 02:07 in a committed relationship, 02:08 that's what lights you up, so to speak, 02:10 sexually and it turns you on. 02:12 And not just in a committed relationship 02:14 but within the confines of the marriage. 02:15 Absolutely, absolutely, absolutely. 02:17 Marriage, that's right, that's right. 02:18 Well, I'm thinking as a scientist, 02:20 it's hard to measure if people are married or not, 02:21 but yeah, you're absolutely right. 02:23 And we want to put God's ideal out there. 02:26 We believe in God's creatorship. 02:28 We always put out God's design. 02:30 But then we like to show that there is a path back 02:32 to that design through His redemptive power. 02:34 He's a Creator and a Redeemer. 02:35 But God's design is monogamous, committed marriage for life, 02:41 that's his ideal. 02:42 We want to leave the ideal in place. 02:44 So there are some statistics 02:45 and it's amazing as you dig down 02:46 into the science, it often proves God's plan, 02:51 sometimes in the negative, but it proves that nonetheless. 02:54 It shows consequences when we stray from God's plan. 02:57 Here's an example. 02:58 One study showed the divorce risk of women 03:00 with no partners 03:02 before marriage hovered around 6%. 03:04 One partner 03:06 before marriage raised it to 20%. 03:09 And two partners raised it to 30%. 03:12 So the more partners before marriage, 03:14 the greater the divorce risk of the woman. 03:17 And unfortunately, I don't have stats for men, 03:20 although I'm sure it's similar. 03:21 Yeah. Yeah. Does that bother you at all? 03:24 Those are huge numbers, that climbs, yeah, yeah. 03:28 But I want to bring out too 03:29 that promiscuity is not just a female problem. 03:32 The same standard applies to males and females. 03:36 You know, God requires the same thing of both. 03:39 In fact, you see a lot of pressure on men 03:42 not to be virgins. 03:44 There is a lot of pressure from the world for men 03:46 not to be virgins. 03:47 And in fact, in the media, you're a laughingstock 03:50 if you're a virgin past your teens. 03:52 There's a film called 40-Year-Old Virgin, 03:54 and that's supposed to be kind of a dig on that person. 03:57 But I just think 40 over, that's awesome, you know? 03:59 It shows a lot of self-restraint. 04:01 There's a cool quotation from the book, 04:03 "Patriarchs and Prophets," in the chapter about Samson 04:06 because he had a little bit of self control problems, 04:08 you know, when it came to sexuality if you recall. 04:11 And it says, "A man's strength is determined 04:13 not by the strength of his passions, 04:16 but by the strength of the passions 04:18 that he controls." 04:20 And that's why it's cool to be a 40-year old virgin. 04:22 It shows strength. Yeah. 04:23 It shows restraint. 04:25 Yeah, and guys should want to be virgins 04:27 until they get married. 04:29 You know, how cool would it be 04:31 to have only been with one woman, 04:33 you know, you and your wife, 04:35 and her only with one man, you know, you. 04:39 We see that in the story of Isaac and Rebecca. 04:42 This is really cool. 04:43 It's the most detailed account of the courtship process 04:48 of any patriarch in the entire Bible 04:50 is the marriage of Isaac and Rebecca. 04:52 You remember the story? 04:53 Abraham sends his servant to find a partner for his wife, 04:57 and there's this whole story 04:59 where the servant goes to town square, 05:00 and he prays, and he's at the well, 05:02 and he says, "Send me a woman 05:04 who when I ask her to give me water," 05:07 I think it was, 05:08 "She offers to water my camels as well." 05:10 He opens his eyes from the prayer 05:12 and there's a beautiful woman standing there, 05:14 and she does exactly that 05:16 and that turns out to be Rebecca, 05:18 and they are brought together in marriage. 05:21 Isaac was 40 years old at the time 05:24 that he was married. 05:26 And the self-restraint that he exercised on himself 05:30 to remain a virgin through his sexual prime, 05:33 I'm assuming he is a virgin 05:34 because he was a follower of God 05:36 and that was a big deal in those days, 05:37 so I don't think, you know, kids messed around 05:39 when they were part 05:41 of that kind of family, you know? 05:42 Yeah, yeah. 05:43 And so I'm assuming he was a virgin, 40 years old, 05:45 the same self-restraint that he exercised 05:47 when he was single, he exercised in his marriage. 05:51 It's the only patriarchal marriage 05:52 in which there was no polygamy. 05:54 Wow. 05:55 And it's like God is saying, "Look, this is how you do it." 05:57 This is how you stay faithful to your spouse. 05:59 In the US, the number of women 06:01 who are virgins at marriage went 06:03 from 21% in the 70s to 5% today. 06:06 Don't mean to be picking on women, 06:08 but it's typically, historically, 06:11 been that there's been a lot of cads out there, 06:13 the boys, lot of bad boys, 06:14 a lot of boys willing to have sex 06:16 but just a few girls that were willing. 06:18 But it's kind of changed now, 06:20 and the willingness is on both sides. 06:21 Which seems, when you really think about it, 06:24 that seems like statistics are skewed in the sense 06:27 that these people have to be having sex with somebody. 06:29 Somebody. 06:30 So you know, 06:32 why aren't they included in that statistic? 06:33 You know, they're willing participants. 06:35 Then why? Where is that number? 06:36 Well, more importantly, why are we putting 06:38 the same moral responsibility on men that we put on women. 06:42 You know, I had a friend 06:44 that went to church in a major city, 06:46 and the girls, you know, would get pregnant, 06:50 and they were told, "You can't come to church 06:52 because they'd be seen in front of the church," 06:54 everybody knew they were single, 06:56 and that would create an outcry and a scandal. 06:59 The boys would come to church, 07:01 the church would do nothing to prevent the boy. 07:03 So the girls would be punished 07:04 for what they both did together. 07:06 That's messed up too. That isn't fair. 07:08 Yeah, that's a double standard. 07:10 They need to be in church, 07:12 like, they need to be hearing the word. 07:15 Oh, definitely. 07:17 You know, they need to be getting 07:18 to know Christ better. 07:20 On multiple levels, that was all around, yeah. 07:21 Yeah, absolutely. 07:22 But you know, I think the attitude is that, 07:24 you know, guys' sex drives are so strong, 07:26 we can't really expect them to control women. 07:29 We kind of do that with, for instance, 07:31 these type A personalities that have these strong 07:34 just general drives and they end up the president. 07:36 Yeah, that's really lowering the standard. 07:38 And then they say, "Well, you know, 07:39 he's just the kind of guy, that, you know, 07:41 he is just one of those powerful men, 07:42 he can have any woman he wants 07:44 and you can't expect him to be faithful." 07:45 And I think you're just really selling out 07:47 when you do that. 07:48 Yeah. 07:50 So the million dollar question is, 07:51 "Can people recover from sexual impurity?" 07:54 And I just want to say a resounding yes, they can. 07:58 And in fact, 07:59 there's an individual at the center of the story 08:02 of the gospel, whom Jesus said of her, 08:06 "Wherever this gospel's preached, 08:08 tell what she's done 08:09 because she anointed him with precious ointment 08:11 and washed His feet with her tears 08:12 and dried them with her hair." 08:13 And Jesus said, 08:15 He wanted her story, what she did, in memory of her, 08:18 He said, so it wasn't just about what she did, 08:19 it was about her as a person wanted 08:21 that told all over the world. 08:23 Wow. 08:24 There would be a time when every person in the world 08:26 has heard the story of Jesus, and every person in the world 08:29 will also have heard the story of Mary Magdalene. 08:31 Yes. 08:33 Jesus just wanted the spotlight on her. 08:34 And I think one of the most important elements 08:36 of her story is that she recovered 08:37 from sexual abuse, apparently, 08:41 and then her own sinful response 08:43 to that abuse was to pursue a life of prostitution, 08:46 deep, dark, sexual immorality. 08:50 And Jesus was able to not only to salvage her out of that 08:54 but to use her as the, she's the premier disciple, 08:56 I mean, which disciple did he say, 08:58 you know, "Tell what they've done." 08:59 You know, Peter, he said, "Flesh and blood," 09:01 that's like the only compliment he gave to disciple, 09:03 like, flesh and blood. 09:04 He has not revealed this. 09:06 Moments later, he is saying, 09:07 "Get behind me, Satan," you know? 09:09 So Peter was kind of short lived 09:10 but he said of Mary, 09:11 this incredible commendation on her as a person, 09:14 and her journey, and how she would come through, 09:17 and was now really demonstrating 09:19 the character of God in her offering of ointment, 09:21 showing what the cross looked like, 09:23 she poured herself out for Jesus. 09:26 And He said, "Tell what she's done." 09:27 She became the premier disciple. 09:29 He put her on display before the world. 09:31 Wow. 09:32 So God is not, 09:33 He doesn't just like kind of hide to the people 09:37 that have made mistakes, "Okay, I can fix this. 09:38 But you know, don't ever tell anyone." 09:40 You know, He makes a big deal out of it. 09:42 He did it in the case of Mary Magdalene. 09:44 Yeah, I mean, and when you look 09:45 at a lot of people in the Bible, 09:47 you see they've all fallen short. 09:50 Moses, David, King Solomon, 09:53 I mean, all of these people have fallen short. 09:55 Fallen short of the glory of God. 09:57 Yeah. 09:58 And I think, it comes down to the question of, 10:00 "Do we believe in radical transformation?" 10:04 We believe that God has an ideal, 10:06 and often, Christian circles will really idealize God's plan 10:09 for marriage. 10:10 You know, stay clean, stay pure until marriage. 10:13 You know, preserve yourself, 10:15 and we prize and value virginity for males. 10:18 And females. 10:19 Females and males, I should say. 10:22 And so that's really important 10:23 and we need to keep that ideal in place. 10:26 But we also, as Christians believe 10:27 in radical change, 10:29 and when a person strays from that ideal, 10:31 there is a route back, 10:33 and they don't have to feel like 10:35 they're damaged goods, 10:36 and will never be able to function 10:38 as healthy godly human beings. 10:40 I deal with married couples, 10:41 young people in premarital counseling, 10:44 and often times, 10:45 one has made more mistakes than the other. 10:48 What do they do with that? Well, I say, "You know what? 10:51 What really matters 10:52 is not the mistakes they've made. 10:54 It's the depth of their repentance." 10:55 And actually, in speaking of the pure one, 10:59 if your repentance, because we all need repentance, 11:02 if your repentance is less deep then their repentance, 11:07 there are actually more likely 11:09 to be a faithful partner than you, 11:12 even though they have a worst track record. 11:14 That's the power of repentance, and what God can do. 11:18 How does that Bible verse go? 11:20 "To him who's forgiven, much shall much be granted." 11:24 Yeah. Yes, yes, yes. 11:26 And it says, "The goodness of God 11:28 leads us to repentance, 11:29 and that the sorrow that is according 11:32 to the will of God leads to repentance," 11:34 not to be repented of, 11:37 but the sorrow of the world leads to death. 11:39 So the core of true biblical repentance 11:42 is that we see 11:44 really what our sin did to other people and to God. 11:48 Because you think about Peter, you know, Peter, all you could, 11:52 you know, Peter thought about what his sin had done to Jesus, 11:55 but Judas thought about 11:57 what his sin had done to himself. 11:59 And his remorse, his sorrow for sin, 12:03 which was very real, 12:05 was totally self-centered, and it led to death. 12:07 But Peter's repentance led to salvation 12:11 from the very sin 12:12 that it brought the repentance to begin with. 12:13 Wow. 12:15 And that's possible for people 12:16 who have strayed from God's ideal. 12:18 God can break the spell of that sin on your heart, 12:21 and you can be radically transformed 12:24 and become a steadfast follower of Jesus. 12:26 Peter went on to, 12:28 he had started out the great denier, 12:30 and he became the great proclaimer. 12:32 Amen. 12:34 And he himself was martyred for preaching the gospel. 12:38 He said, "I don't even want 12:39 to be crucified the way Jesus was crucified. 12:41 Hang me upside down." Yeah, that's right. 12:43 But he himself was martyred for proclaiming 12:46 the gospel rather than denying the gospel. 12:49 He started out at A, he ended up at Z. 12:51 You know, he went 12:53 through a radical transformation. 12:54 And that's possible for individuals 12:56 who found themselves in deep sexual sin. 12:58 It's possible to experience transformation. 13:00 And we encourage them 13:02 to pursue that course, don't we? 13:03 And God's longing for them to come to Him, 13:06 anything that they're going through, 13:08 take it to the Lord. 13:09 That's right. 13:10 You know, He wants to hear from. 13:12 He already knows anyway, 13:13 you know, but He wants you to bring that to Him, 13:16 and ask Him for forgiveness. 13:17 You know, purity culture 13:19 was real big in Christian circles, 13:21 especially couple of decades back up to, 13:24 you know, recent times. 13:25 And I think it's still active in certain circles. 13:28 But one of the issues with purity culture 13:30 is there was so much focus on the ideal 13:33 that there wasn't sufficient emphasis 13:34 on how to get back from straying from that ideal. 13:38 And so I think when we approach this issue, 13:41 we need to do it with both of those things 13:42 in mind constantly. 13:44 Yes. Yes. Yeah. 13:45 You know, I love the fact, 13:47 like we discussed gaining the victory, 13:51 you know, because I think that's so important. 13:53 You know, the Satan wants you to believe, "Oh, no. 13:56 God doesn't love you. 13:57 You've gone too far," or whatever. 13:59 But God want, He is longing for His children, 14:02 you know, He wants that relationship with you, 14:04 and He's faithful to give us that picture. 14:06 That's right. Jen. 14:07 He is able to keep you 14:08 from falling and make you faultless. 14:10 We're out of time. Yeah. 14:11 Before the presence of His glory. 14:12 Absolutely. 14:14 Make sure you check out 14:15 intimateclarity.tv for resources, 14:17 and we look forward to seeing you next time. |
Revised 2018-11-05