Intimate Clarity

Clarity On Sex Before Marriage

Three Angels Broadcasting Network

Program transcript



Series Code: IC

Program Code: IC180125A

00:01 The following program discusses sensitive issues
00:03 related to sexuality.
00:05 Parents are cautioned this presentation
00:07 may be too candid for younger audiences.
00:29 Welcome to Intimate Clarity.
00:31 I'm Jason Bradley,
00:32 and here with me is Jennifer Jill Schwirzer.
00:34 She is a licensed professional counselor.
00:37 And today we're going to be discussing a sensitive topic,
00:39 but it's a conversation we need to have.
00:43 Jen, what is so bad about sex before marriage?
00:47 Glad you asked it. Really glad you asked it.
00:50 Our first sexual encounter formats us
00:54 in terms of our appetites and our attractions.
00:58 So if our first encounter is in a transient relationship
01:01 which typically sex
01:03 before marriage tends to be casual,
01:06 uncommitted transient relationships
01:07 that are based on emotion
01:09 and out of the thrill of the moment.
01:11 If that's our first encounter,
01:13 we're gonna have an attraction to that and appetite for that.
01:19 May be latent,
01:20 maybe overwritten by better things,
01:22 but it will remain with us throughout our lives.
01:25 So then you end up in a marriage,
01:27 and you're in a committed relationship,
01:29 well, if your sexual attraction is activated
01:32 by a transient relationship,
01:34 you're not going to feel sexually attracted
01:35 to a committed relationship,
01:37 and then you meet someone at work
01:38 and you think about having a fling
01:40 and that's going to light a fire under you.
01:42 So we're doing that to ourselves.
01:45 We're molding ourselves in those initial encounters.
01:48 Sounds like a bunch of confusion.
01:50 We're confusing ourselves.
01:52 And it's a scary thought, isn't it?
01:53 But let's just reverse that and say that God designed us
01:57 such that our first sexual encounter takes place
02:00 within in a committed relationship,
02:02 and it works on the positive
02:04 because once you have that sexual encounter
02:07 in a committed relationship,
02:08 that's what lights you up, so to speak,
02:10 sexually and it turns you on.
02:12 And not just in a committed relationship
02:14 but within the confines of the marriage.
02:15 Absolutely, absolutely, absolutely.
02:17 Marriage, that's right, that's right.
02:18 Well, I'm thinking as a scientist,
02:20 it's hard to measure if people are married or not,
02:21 but yeah, you're absolutely right.
02:23 And we want to put God's ideal out there.
02:26 We believe in God's creatorship.
02:28 We always put out God's design.
02:30 But then we like to show that there is a path back
02:32 to that design through His redemptive power.
02:34 He's a Creator and a Redeemer.
02:35 But God's design is monogamous, committed marriage for life,
02:41 that's his ideal.
02:42 We want to leave the ideal in place.
02:44 So there are some statistics
02:45 and it's amazing as you dig down
02:46 into the science, it often proves God's plan,
02:51 sometimes in the negative, but it proves that nonetheless.
02:54 It shows consequences when we stray from God's plan.
02:57 Here's an example.
02:58 One study showed the divorce risk of women
03:00 with no partners
03:02 before marriage hovered around 6%.
03:04 One partner
03:06 before marriage raised it to 20%.
03:09 And two partners raised it to 30%.
03:12 So the more partners before marriage,
03:14 the greater the divorce risk of the woman.
03:17 And unfortunately, I don't have stats for men,
03:20 although I'm sure it's similar.
03:21 Yeah. Yeah. Does that bother you at all?
03:24 Those are huge numbers, that climbs, yeah, yeah.
03:28 But I want to bring out too
03:29 that promiscuity is not just a female problem.
03:32 The same standard applies to males and females.
03:36 You know, God requires the same thing of both.
03:39 In fact, you see a lot of pressure on men
03:42 not to be virgins.
03:44 There is a lot of pressure from the world for men
03:46 not to be virgins.
03:47 And in fact, in the media, you're a laughingstock
03:50 if you're a virgin past your teens.
03:52 There's a film called 40-Year-Old Virgin,
03:54 and that's supposed to be kind of a dig on that person.
03:57 But I just think 40 over, that's awesome, you know?
03:59 It shows a lot of self-restraint.
04:01 There's a cool quotation from the book,
04:03 "Patriarchs and Prophets," in the chapter about Samson
04:06 because he had a little bit of self control problems,
04:08 you know, when it came to sexuality if you recall.
04:11 And it says, "A man's strength is determined
04:13 not by the strength of his passions,
04:16 but by the strength of the passions
04:18 that he controls."
04:20 And that's why it's cool to be a 40-year old virgin.
04:22 It shows strength. Yeah.
04:23 It shows restraint.
04:25 Yeah, and guys should want to be virgins
04:27 until they get married.
04:29 You know, how cool would it be
04:31 to have only been with one woman,
04:33 you know, you and your wife,
04:35 and her only with one man, you know, you.
04:39 We see that in the story of Isaac and Rebecca.
04:42 This is really cool.
04:43 It's the most detailed account of the courtship process
04:48 of any patriarch in the entire Bible
04:50 is the marriage of Isaac and Rebecca.
04:52 You remember the story?
04:53 Abraham sends his servant to find a partner for his wife,
04:57 and there's this whole story
04:59 where the servant goes to town square,
05:00 and he prays, and he's at the well,
05:02 and he says, "Send me a woman
05:04 who when I ask her to give me water,"
05:07 I think it was,
05:08 "She offers to water my camels as well."
05:10 He opens his eyes from the prayer
05:12 and there's a beautiful woman standing there,
05:14 and she does exactly that
05:16 and that turns out to be Rebecca,
05:18 and they are brought together in marriage.
05:21 Isaac was 40 years old at the time
05:24 that he was married.
05:26 And the self-restraint that he exercised on himself
05:30 to remain a virgin through his sexual prime,
05:33 I'm assuming he is a virgin
05:34 because he was a follower of God
05:36 and that was a big deal in those days,
05:37 so I don't think, you know, kids messed around
05:39 when they were part
05:41 of that kind of family, you know?
05:42 Yeah, yeah.
05:43 And so I'm assuming he was a virgin, 40 years old,
05:45 the same self-restraint that he exercised
05:47 when he was single, he exercised in his marriage.
05:51 It's the only patriarchal marriage
05:52 in which there was no polygamy.
05:54 Wow.
05:55 And it's like God is saying, "Look, this is how you do it."
05:57 This is how you stay faithful to your spouse.
05:59 In the US, the number of women
06:01 who are virgins at marriage went
06:03 from 21% in the 70s to 5% today.
06:06 Don't mean to be picking on women,
06:08 but it's typically, historically,
06:11 been that there's been a lot of cads out there,
06:13 the boys, lot of bad boys,
06:14 a lot of boys willing to have sex
06:16 but just a few girls that were willing.
06:18 But it's kind of changed now,
06:20 and the willingness is on both sides.
06:21 Which seems, when you really think about it,
06:24 that seems like statistics are skewed in the sense
06:27 that these people have to be having sex with somebody.
06:29 Somebody.
06:30 So you know,
06:32 why aren't they included in that statistic?
06:33 You know, they're willing participants.
06:35 Then why? Where is that number?
06:36 Well, more importantly, why are we putting
06:38 the same moral responsibility on men that we put on women.
06:42 You know, I had a friend
06:44 that went to church in a major city,
06:46 and the girls, you know, would get pregnant,
06:50 and they were told, "You can't come to church
06:52 because they'd be seen in front of the church,"
06:54 everybody knew they were single,
06:56 and that would create an outcry and a scandal.
06:59 The boys would come to church,
07:01 the church would do nothing to prevent the boy.
07:03 So the girls would be punished
07:04 for what they both did together.
07:06 That's messed up too. That isn't fair.
07:08 Yeah, that's a double standard.
07:10 They need to be in church,
07:12 like, they need to be hearing the word.
07:15 Oh, definitely.
07:17 You know, they need to be getting
07:18 to know Christ better.
07:20 On multiple levels, that was all around, yeah.
07:21 Yeah, absolutely.
07:22 But you know, I think the attitude is that,
07:24 you know, guys' sex drives are so strong,
07:26 we can't really expect them to control women.
07:29 We kind of do that with, for instance,
07:31 these type A personalities that have these strong
07:34 just general drives and they end up the president.
07:36 Yeah, that's really lowering the standard.
07:38 And then they say, "Well, you know,
07:39 he's just the kind of guy, that, you know,
07:41 he is just one of those powerful men,
07:42 he can have any woman he wants
07:44 and you can't expect him to be faithful."
07:45 And I think you're just really selling out
07:47 when you do that.
07:48 Yeah.
07:50 So the million dollar question is,
07:51 "Can people recover from sexual impurity?"
07:54 And I just want to say a resounding yes, they can.
07:58 And in fact,
07:59 there's an individual at the center of the story
08:02 of the gospel, whom Jesus said of her,
08:06 "Wherever this gospel's preached,
08:08 tell what she's done
08:09 because she anointed him with precious ointment
08:11 and washed His feet with her tears
08:12 and dried them with her hair."
08:13 And Jesus said,
08:15 He wanted her story, what she did, in memory of her,
08:18 He said, so it wasn't just about what she did,
08:19 it was about her as a person wanted
08:21 that told all over the world.
08:23 Wow.
08:24 There would be a time when every person in the world
08:26 has heard the story of Jesus, and every person in the world
08:29 will also have heard the story of Mary Magdalene.
08:31 Yes.
08:33 Jesus just wanted the spotlight on her.
08:34 And I think one of the most important elements
08:36 of her story is that she recovered
08:37 from sexual abuse, apparently,
08:41 and then her own sinful response
08:43 to that abuse was to pursue a life of prostitution,
08:46 deep, dark, sexual immorality.
08:50 And Jesus was able to not only to salvage her out of that
08:54 but to use her as the, she's the premier disciple,
08:56 I mean, which disciple did he say,
08:58 you know, "Tell what they've done."
08:59 You know, Peter, he said, "Flesh and blood,"
09:01 that's like the only compliment he gave to disciple,
09:03 like, flesh and blood.
09:04 He has not revealed this.
09:06 Moments later, he is saying,
09:07 "Get behind me, Satan," you know?
09:09 So Peter was kind of short lived
09:10 but he said of Mary,
09:11 this incredible commendation on her as a person,
09:14 and her journey, and how she would come through,
09:17 and was now really demonstrating
09:19 the character of God in her offering of ointment,
09:21 showing what the cross looked like,
09:23 she poured herself out for Jesus.
09:26 And He said, "Tell what she's done."
09:27 She became the premier disciple.
09:29 He put her on display before the world.
09:31 Wow.
09:32 So God is not,
09:33 He doesn't just like kind of hide to the people
09:37 that have made mistakes, "Okay, I can fix this.
09:38 But you know, don't ever tell anyone."
09:40 You know, He makes a big deal out of it.
09:42 He did it in the case of Mary Magdalene.
09:44 Yeah, I mean, and when you look
09:45 at a lot of people in the Bible,
09:47 you see they've all fallen short.
09:50 Moses, David, King Solomon,
09:53 I mean, all of these people have fallen short.
09:55 Fallen short of the glory of God.
09:57 Yeah.
09:58 And I think, it comes down to the question of,
10:00 "Do we believe in radical transformation?"
10:04 We believe that God has an ideal,
10:06 and often, Christian circles will really idealize God's plan
10:09 for marriage.
10:10 You know, stay clean, stay pure until marriage.
10:13 You know, preserve yourself,
10:15 and we prize and value virginity for males.
10:18 And females.
10:19 Females and males, I should say.
10:22 And so that's really important
10:23 and we need to keep that ideal in place.
10:26 But we also, as Christians believe
10:27 in radical change,
10:29 and when a person strays from that ideal,
10:31 there is a route back,
10:33 and they don't have to feel like
10:35 they're damaged goods,
10:36 and will never be able to function
10:38 as healthy godly human beings.
10:40 I deal with married couples,
10:41 young people in premarital counseling,
10:44 and often times,
10:45 one has made more mistakes than the other.
10:48 What do they do with that? Well, I say, "You know what?
10:51 What really matters
10:52 is not the mistakes they've made.
10:54 It's the depth of their repentance."
10:55 And actually, in speaking of the pure one,
10:59 if your repentance, because we all need repentance,
11:02 if your repentance is less deep then their repentance,
11:07 there are actually more likely
11:09 to be a faithful partner than you,
11:12 even though they have a worst track record.
11:14 That's the power of repentance, and what God can do.
11:18 How does that Bible verse go?
11:20 "To him who's forgiven, much shall much be granted."
11:24 Yeah. Yes, yes, yes.
11:26 And it says, "The goodness of God
11:28 leads us to repentance,
11:29 and that the sorrow that is according
11:32 to the will of God leads to repentance,"
11:34 not to be repented of,
11:37 but the sorrow of the world leads to death.
11:39 So the core of true biblical repentance
11:42 is that we see
11:44 really what our sin did to other people and to God.
11:48 Because you think about Peter, you know, Peter, all you could,
11:52 you know, Peter thought about what his sin had done to Jesus,
11:55 but Judas thought about
11:57 what his sin had done to himself.
11:59 And his remorse, his sorrow for sin,
12:03 which was very real,
12:05 was totally self-centered, and it led to death.
12:07 But Peter's repentance led to salvation
12:11 from the very sin
12:12 that it brought the repentance to begin with.
12:13 Wow.
12:15 And that's possible for people
12:16 who have strayed from God's ideal.
12:18 God can break the spell of that sin on your heart,
12:21 and you can be radically transformed
12:24 and become a steadfast follower of Jesus.
12:26 Peter went on to,
12:28 he had started out the great denier,
12:30 and he became the great proclaimer.
12:32 Amen.
12:34 And he himself was martyred for preaching the gospel.
12:38 He said, "I don't even want
12:39 to be crucified the way Jesus was crucified.
12:41 Hang me upside down." Yeah, that's right.
12:43 But he himself was martyred for proclaiming
12:46 the gospel rather than denying the gospel.
12:49 He started out at A, he ended up at Z.
12:51 You know, he went
12:53 through a radical transformation.
12:54 And that's possible for individuals
12:56 who found themselves in deep sexual sin.
12:58 It's possible to experience transformation.
13:00 And we encourage them
13:02 to pursue that course, don't we?
13:03 And God's longing for them to come to Him,
13:06 anything that they're going through,
13:08 take it to the Lord.
13:09 That's right.
13:10 You know, He wants to hear from.
13:12 He already knows anyway,
13:13 you know, but He wants you to bring that to Him,
13:16 and ask Him for forgiveness.
13:17 You know, purity culture
13:19 was real big in Christian circles,
13:21 especially couple of decades back up to,
13:24 you know, recent times.
13:25 And I think it's still active in certain circles.
13:28 But one of the issues with purity culture
13:30 is there was so much focus on the ideal
13:33 that there wasn't sufficient emphasis
13:34 on how to get back from straying from that ideal.
13:38 And so I think when we approach this issue,
13:41 we need to do it with both of those things
13:42 in mind constantly.
13:44 Yes. Yes. Yeah.
13:45 You know, I love the fact,
13:47 like we discussed gaining the victory,
13:51 you know, because I think that's so important.
13:53 You know, the Satan wants you to believe, "Oh, no.
13:56 God doesn't love you.
13:57 You've gone too far," or whatever.
13:59 But God want, He is longing for His children,
14:02 you know, He wants that relationship with you,
14:04 and He's faithful to give us that picture.
14:06 That's right. Jen.
14:07 He is able to keep you
14:08 from falling and make you faultless.
14:10 We're out of time. Yeah.
14:11 Before the presence of His glory.
14:12 Absolutely.
14:14 Make sure you check out
14:15 for resources,
14:17 and we look forward to seeing you next time.


Revised 2018-11-05