Intimate Clarity

Clarity On Sex Within Marriage

Three Angels Broadcasting Network

Program transcript



Series Code: IC

Program Code: IC180126A

00:29 Welcome to Intimate Clarity, I'm Jason Bradley
00:32 and here with me is Jennifer Jill Schwarzer
00:35 and she is a licensed professional counselor
00:37 and today we will be discussing a very sensitive topic
00:40 but it's a conversation we need to have.
00:43 You know Jen, how can a married couple maximize their sexuality?
00:50 Their relationship. Good question, good question
00:52 because we've been talking about a lot of ways in which we
00:55 deviate from God's original design. Um hum.
00:57 But let's talk about the design and all of the good things
01:01 that God had in mind in that original design.
01:03 We've said it a million times and we'll say it again
01:05 that God designed human sexualities such that
01:08 it should be experienced in a marriage,
01:11 in a long term committed relationship and ideally
01:14 there is one partner for life.
01:15 We don't always reach that ideal, there is a route back
01:18 after we've strayed from that ideal.
01:20 God is both the Creator and a Redeemer.
01:22 But we want to look at the ideal now and how well it works.
01:25 So God knew what He was doing keeping sex within marriage
01:29 there is such beautiful things that happen...
01:31 let me get into some of that.
01:32 Biology does...well let me preface this by saying...
01:35 Biology does all it can to make sure people stay faithful
01:40 within their marriage
01:41 So, here is one thing that husband of pregnant wives
01:44 have an increase in vasopressin.
01:48 Vasopressin is called the monogamy hormone because
01:51 it counters the effect of testosterone.
01:53 Testosterone is what is responsible for high sex drive
01:57 in males, they have higher levels of testosterone
01:59 and increases their likelihood of straying.
02:02 God puts vasopressin in their body to lower the amount of
02:06 testosterone so that they are more inclined to stay home.
02:09 Then men also gain what they call empathy weight...
02:12 Increases their abdominal girth just a little bit
02:16 when their wives are pregnant I'm talking about and there's
02:19 inverse relationship between abdominal girth and sex drive.
02:23 So in various ways, God is basically lowering that man's
02:26 sex drive so he is more likely to stay at home.
02:28 Wow! God has just tried to orchestrate all the chemicals
02:30 to make that happen.
02:32 And see these things, you have to recognize that we are...
02:38 The signature of God. Yes! We have been created
02:40 by the Creator. That's right.
02:43 With very very specific attunements and ways
02:48 in which we function that are just according to His plan.
02:51 So the amount of Prolactin, (that's another factor)
02:55 that is the chemical that creates the (ah) effect,
02:59 sense of satisfaction is 400% greater within a committed
03:04 relationship, a bonded relationship than it is
03:07 when people experience sexual things outside of a relationship.
03:12 So bottom line, high levels of all the chemicals
03:17 involved in lovemaking create a neurological basis
03:23 for long term attachment.
03:25 So basically what happens in marriages,
03:27 God takes this young couple and their sex drive is
03:30 as high as it is ever going to be and if they learn how to
03:34 engage in an intimate relationship
03:37 that is satisfying to both of them, it will literally change
03:41 their brain chemistries such that they are more likely to be
03:45 satisfied with their relationship long term.
03:47 In other words, God creates long term attachment
03:51 through that early sexual experience in a married couple.
03:55 Yeah! Isn't that cool? Wow! Yeah!
03:57 So frequent satisfying intimacy especially in the early stages
04:02 of marriage helps in the bonding process
04:05 but I quickly add that both partners need to experience
04:08 that level of satisfaction and I'll try to make that clear why.
04:13 Let me get into some of the differences between males
04:19 and females because sometimes men enjoy the sexual intimacy
04:25 and women don't.
04:27 Not always and it can go the other way but there's issues,
04:31 so let me just flesh this out.
04:32 Men's organs are outside of their body, women's organs
04:36 are more inside of their body so there is a little bit of less
04:39 direct access going on.
04:41 Men in addition, their sexuality is accessed more directly
04:46 and visually through concrete things.
04:49 Women's sexuality is accessed more through the emotions,
04:53 so men are a little bit less complicated than women are
04:57 sexually. Men have a shorter response cycle,
05:00 they can get through the whole sexual experience in
05:03 10 to 20 minutes. Women it's going to be more
05:06 30 to 40 minutes. There's more light on this in the scripture.
05:12 If you look at the verb used to describe the way that
05:16 God made Adam, it's a different verb than when He made Eve.
05:20 Okay, it's sculpted Adam and architected Eve
05:24 so she's a little more complicated.
05:26 You see in addition to this that in the New Testament
05:29 what we are told in 1Peter 3:7, live with your wives according
05:33 to knowledge.
05:35 Why your wives, why didn't He say live with your husbands
05:38 according to knowledge?
05:39 Probably because that the women is a little more complicated.
05:43 And it takes a little more of a learning curve
05:47 in understanding a woman than a man that are a little more
05:50 straight forward.
05:51 And also because women are more intuitive and they are
05:53 going to kind of figure out their mate,
05:55 and men aren't going to be quite as intuitive
05:57 and they are going to need a little more schooling,
05:58 apparently that is the case.
06:00 I really think that that communication level is important
06:03 because if you don't communicate,
06:06 then you leave things for the imagination,
06:09 where... and it can be misconstrued like...
06:11 You can be misinterpreting your spouse all over the place.
06:14 Both sides. That's right and it's very important to learn
06:17 to check in. Is this what you are experiencing?
06:20 Is this what you mean by that?
06:22 Misinterpretation is a big communication faux-pas
06:25 that causes a lot of problems in relationships.
06:27 But it's interesting that it says live with your wives
06:29 according to knowledge and you think well how are you
06:31 supposed to learn?
06:33 Well you can learn from books, you can learn from mentors,
06:35 you can watch programs, but the best way to learn is
06:39 guess what? Ask your spouse.
06:41 Ask your spouse, learn to tune in to that,
06:44 learn to check in with that person, they're...
06:46 she is a walking text book as to how women operate
06:51 and he is a walking text book as to how men operate.
06:54 So it's essential that both husband and wife communicate
06:57 and let's take it in to the intimate department here,
07:01 it's essential that husband and wife communicate about
07:04 what feels good, what works, what makes the sexual experience
07:09 a pleasurable one for them.
07:11 A lot of time because men have a little more direct access
07:17 to their sexuality, it ends up being a scenario
07:20 where the wife doesn't really enjoy the bedroom experience
07:24 and the man isn't even really aware of that.
07:26 He needs to be more concerned about her experience and
07:30 care about whether she is being pleasured or not
07:32 and she needs to be more assertive and tell him
07:35 what she needs.
07:36 Um hum. I'm just being real honest here.
07:37 That's communication in every aspect of the relationship.
07:40 Exactly and that includes the bedroom and I believe that that
07:45 will provide some longevity for the relationship
07:48 because as I mentioned before, that early sexual experience
07:51 creates a disposition for a long term bonding
07:55 in the marriage and 70% of divorces are filed by women.
08:00 Seventy percent of divorces... Seventy percent, so the majority
08:03 of divorces are filed by women. Women are more demanding
08:07 when it comes to relationships.
08:08 Over all they are more relationally than wired men are
08:11 they are like PhD's in relationships in the home.
08:14 Men are more likely to be satisfied with the relationship
08:17 as it is, they are not as inclined to be dis-satisfied.
08:21 It's usually the wife that's trying to drag the husband
08:24 to counseling, I say that as a marriage counselor.
08:27 It's typical, I'm having trouble in my marriage and I'd say,
08:31 can you bring him, and it will be well, he doesn't want to come.
08:35 That happens a lot of the time.
08:37 It's very very consistent. Really...
08:40 Well you also see the fact that a lot of men don't want to
08:44 stop and ask for directions. That's right, that's right.
08:46 They don't want to ask for help, they are just less inclined
08:48 and that's not an entirely bad thing but if we will put
08:52 the investment into that relationship early in the
08:55 relationship, we will create a disposition for a long term
08:59 bonding. So what I am saying is satisfy your wife
09:03 in the bedroom early on in the relationship and you will
09:07 reap the benefits long term.
09:09 Um hum, um hum. And she won't be...
09:11 I think there will be brain changes that come about
09:13 that make her less likely to file for divorce later.
09:15 It'll create a desire to work through problems with you
09:19 and to stay connected to you throughout life.
09:21 Well, they have a saying called "Happy Wife equals Happy Life".
09:25 That's right. That's on multiple accounts. That's right.
09:28 That's right. I heard something from Richard Davidson
09:31 who is the...I don't know if I should talk about this but,
09:34 Richard Davidson is the Old Testament Chair
09:37 at Andrews University and he knows the Old Testament
09:42 and he said that there was a tradition among Jews anciently
09:46 where every Friday night they were to go in and bring delight
09:50 to their wives.
09:51 It was a duty on the Jewish husband to make their wife
09:55 happy in an intimate context. Wow!
09:57 I think that shows the heart of God.
10:00 He's not into this situation where women are frustrated
10:04 and unsatisfied and unhappy and just kind of bearing
10:07 with their marriage and trying to keep their husbands happy
10:11 but he's not doing the same for them.
10:13 I don't think Gods made like that,
10:15 I think He's the one that said live with your wives according
10:18 to knowledge and I think part of that means knowledge
10:21 of their sexuality. Um hum, um hum.
10:23 Just being honest. Yeah.
10:24 You are learning a lot aren't you?
10:26 I'm sitting here absorbing it for when I get married.
10:29 Cause you are going to get married some day.
10:31 That's right, that's right.
10:32 So there are three partnering systems:
10:34 "Lust, Romance and Attachment" and those correlate with hormones
10:41 Dopamine and Oxytocin.
10:42 God wanted all three of those systems to work together.
10:45 So sexual attraction but also romance and a long term
10:51 attachment were meant to work together in the
10:53 marriage relationship.
10:54 But the world has done is it has separated out
10:56 those different systems where you can have just a
10:58 sexual encounter, there's just pure lust.
11:00 Yeah. Or you can just have like romantic relationships
11:03 one after another.
11:04 The devil is always trying to break those things up
11:06 but God wants all those systems to work together.
11:09 Yeah, he always wants...the devil always wants to divide
11:11 and conquer. That's right, that's right.
11:13 So God gives us all threes of these to create a brain
11:17 symphony that gives pleasure, joy and ultimately
11:21 deep abiding love.
11:23 Umm! And I believe in it.
11:25 I've experienced it, I've been married for nearly 40 years
11:29 Wow. There is no one I am more comfortable around
11:32 and I'd rather just hang out with than my husband.
11:35 In fact when we get back from taping this program,
11:37 he wants to take a trip... we live in Florida
11:41 and he wants to go south and get a fishing boat and go out...
11:43 He doesn't eat the fish usually, but he loves to fish.
11:47 A typical man. And we want to go off of the Everglades
11:50 or whatever and he's so sweet, he said, he said I'll put a
11:55 little tent in the boat because he knows I don't like to get
11:57 too much sun and I'll put a little tent in the boat
11:59 and you can have your computer in there because he knows that
12:01 that's how I relax, is I write.
12:02 Well we're going to go off together,
12:04 we are totally different people, he's a gardener,
12:07 he grows all of this...I say he grows things compulsively,
12:10 he's always planting things and we're very different.
12:13 He's very introverted, I'm very extroverted,
12:15 I'm out there doing talks and television shows and
12:19 he's kind of a home body, but you know we've been together
12:22 for nearly 40 years and there's no one I would rather
12:24 hang out with than him.
12:26 Wow. So you have a best friend and...
12:30 And some of that was created because I followed some of the
12:34 advice, and we followed some of the advice that I've given
12:36 in this segment...we followed that in that relationship
12:40 and that has benefited us.
12:41 Which is awesome because you're practicing what you preach.
12:44 It's you know, so called good sex doesn't make a marriage,
12:48 but my contention is that it can contribute to the happiness
12:52 of a married relationship.
12:54 What I like about what you were saying just a minute ago
12:56 about with you and your husband, him going fishing and
12:59 you doing the computer thing... Yeah, yeah.
13:00 Is that you guys are maintaining your individuality.
13:03 Oh, very much. So that you are not just...
13:05 You know, you're still your- selves but you guys
13:10 blend very well.
13:11 There's a symmetry in any relationship between
13:13 individuality, you need to retain your individuality
13:16 in a marriage but you also need to also cultivate intimacy
13:19 and when intimacy is such that it destroys individuality
13:22 you have a problem. Um hum.
13:23 But when individuality is such that it destroys intimacy,
13:26 you have a problem so you have to keep the tension.
13:28 So that balance. That's right.
13:30 That's right, that's right.
13:31 And we've really tried to do that and I think...
13:33 I'm just getting personal here I guess, but our relationship
13:37 is probably more extremely that way than a lot of marriages.
13:40 We are very very different people and humanly speaking
13:44 we are completely incompatible. [Laughter] But God doesn't see
13:49 as man sees. He brought us together when we were both
13:52 young Christians and we prayed and counseled and tried to
13:56 follow God's will and we ended up marrying and were just like
13:58 what in the world have we... But the Lord has worked
14:01 and He's been able to bond us together.
14:03 Well praise the Lord for that. Yeah!
14:05 I'm looking forward to the marriage experience.
14:08 That's right, yeah, I hope you invite me to the wedding.
14:11 Well, we are out of time Jen. If you want more resources,
14:16 go to God Bless!


Revised 2018-10-23