Participants:
Series Code: IIW
Program Code: IIW017140S
|
00:14 ♪[Intntro Music]♪
00:19 JB: This is It Is Written. I'm Jo Bradshaw. 00:21 Thanks for joining me. In Matthew, chapter 13, y you read a 00:24 fascinating parable, thehe parable of the wheat and the tares. 00:28 A man n with a field of wheat discovers that somebodhas sewn 00:32 weweeds among the wheat and has caused great dame and 00:35 pontial catastrophic loss. And when his servants cacame to him 00:39 and spoke to him about the weeds in t the field, he answered by 00:42 saying, "An enememy has done this." That's Matthew 13 and 00:47 verse e 28. When God created the world, it was a peect world. 00:52 There was no sin, no sadness, nono suffering, no loss. But an enemy 00:56 me. And one of the consequences of the work of thee 00:59 enemy is g grief. We were created to be happy forever. Gef is a 01:05 foreigign emotion to us, at least with regard to t way God 01:09 created us. Yet we grieve; there is sorrow; therere is 01:12 loss. "An enemy has done this." How do you deal l with grief? 01:17 Unfortunately, it's one of fe's inevitabilities. My guest 01:22 today is Pastor Mike Tucker, thehe speaker and the director from 01:25 Faith for Today, a mediaministry. He's the host of 01:28 Lifestyle Magazine, d for many years has conducted marriage 01:31 seminars called "Mad AboutMarriage." Pastor Mike Tucker, 01:35 thanks for joining me today. MT: Its a pleasure to be here. 01:37 Thank you, John. JB: No unfortunately, when it 01:39 comes to grief, you have firsthand experience.. 01:41 Recent experience. The sort of exexperience none of us want 01:44 to go throrough. Explain briefly. 01:45 MT: Less than six momonths ago, 01:47 my wife of over 40 years, Gayle Tuckerer, passed away 01:50 from paneatic cancer. It was a brief illness; first symptptoms 01:57 March 3, put her in e hospital 16, and died April 10. So it's been a painfnful journey for me March 6, diagnosed March 02:02 because she was my best iend, my partner in ministry. 02:05 We did everything together, from pastoral ministry 02:08 to chaplaincto television ministry, seminars, preaching, 02:12 you name it. We did it all gether. And so to lose her 02:16 has been just the most devastatating experience 02:18 of my life. . JB: And this simply came from out of the be? 02:20 MT: Oh, yeah. JB: She was picture 02:21 of perfect hlth. MT: Perfect health. 02:23 JB: No health issues. MT: Noyou know, we pastored 02:24 one chchurch for 17 years. She did not miss one dayrom work 02:27 because of h health. Not one. JB: So this wasn't somethingou 02:29 could prepare for. MT: No. 02:31 JB: EmEmotionally or any other way 02:35 MT: No. She played volleybalall years with the same group of every week, and had for over 20 women. Diving g on the floor, 02:38 getting volleyballs, you know the "digs," theyey call them, 02:40 you know. All l sorts of things. Vibrant health, happy, 02:44 ergetic, until boom, all of a sudden these symptptoms hit. 02:48 JBJB: And along with that, with the loss, comes ief. 02:52 Define grief for me. MT: Grief an emotional, 02:55 psychological,nd physical reaction to any loss 02:58 that is significant. : And anybody can grieve. 03:01 I'm thinking the loss of a pet. MT: Yes. 03:03 JB: And your 4-year-old little girl... 03:05 MT: YeYes. JB: ...is going to have 03:07 the hardest time adjustingo life without Fluffy. 03:08 MT: I lost a Greatane, who I'd had for 11 and half 03:11 years, and I had to put her down becausof arthritis in her back 03:14 legsgs. And I loved that dog, and I, I cried ovethat dog. 03:18 I grieved heavily for her. JB: So grief is something 03:21 ththat's going to come. MT: Yes. 03:22 JB: And it's g going to be difficult, isn't it? 03:24 MT: Yes, it is. JB: I think it's impmportant 03:25 people realize this. There's no shshortcut around this, is there? 03:28 MT: No. You cannot ignore it. You can't outwork k it. 03:31 You can't ouout-medicate it. The longer you put it off, 03:34 the longer it will take and the more 03:35 diffict it will be. The best thing is to grieve early; grgrieve 03:39 intensely early, because tt's going to have the best result. 03:43 It may not shorten it, but it will lessen the overall symptoms 03:46 and the severity of ththe process. JB: You had no time to prepare 03:49 yourself for Gayle's d death. MT: Unh-uh. 03:51 JB: She was the picture of perfect heaealth. 03:52 MT: Yeah. JB: Your closest frienend. 03:54 And fromut of nowhere came a devastating diagnosis. 03:56 Now, what if this had beenen a lesser illness, but 04:02 with the potenential to become serious? One of 04:04 these illnesses wher my goodness, if 04:06 things don't go o well we could lose her in five years. 04:09 MT: Um-hmm. JB: Can you prepare 04:12 ahead time for grief? Is there anything you can do? 04:14 Is there anything you shou do, or do you 04:16 just say, "Thehere's no way that's going to happen, and 04:19 should it t happen, we cross that bridge when we get tre"? 04:21 MT: I think what everyone does at thahat point is, you anticipate 04:24 the best and you w work for the best. When it becomes worse, and 04:28 then you begin to realize e that you might lose them, is really 04:30 the e time, I think, for most people to engage in ticipatory 04:34 grief. Alright, need to prepare myself in some 04:36 way for thisoss. JB: How does a person prepare 04:38 themselves for a loss and the grief that ces with it? 04:41 MT: I think the first thin is to make sure that your 04:43 relationship with that individual is clear: 04:46 that you're e happy together, that there's nothing betweeyou, 04:48 that anything you need to say "I'm sorrrry" for is done. 04:52 That's the first step: to ke sure that we're good. And then 04:54 I think you start byby reviewing the stories. 04:58 Life review isis what we encourage people to do who are 05:00 facing their own death. SoSo how has your life been significant? 05:04 Wh are the stories? And then as you imagine what itit's going 05:07 to be like without that person in your r life, allowing yourself 05:10 to feel those emotions, and to grieieve in anticipation of the 05:13 loss, will also help you. But justutting the life in 05:16 peperspective and understanding, all right, the's a value to 05:19 ththis life. And although we're going to lose is individual, 05:22 there's been a value to their being here. There'e's been a 05:24 purpose for this life. And that's helpfpful. 05:26 JB: Now, grief came toto you, and you have some inbuilt 05:30 prepeparation, that is, you're a pastor. 05:31 You've been a counselor. MT: Um-hmm 05:34 JB: You've worked in hospice, and you'vehepherded people 05:38 through these processeses many, many, many times. 05:41 MT: Um-hmm. JB: Did that help? 05:43 MT: It helps in one sense. First of allll, I know what to 05:46 expect. It helps because I knoww that I'm not crazy. That's the 05:50 most frequently asked questionon of people in severe grief. 05:55 Theyey'll share their symptoms mind? Am I crazy?" However, with me: "Have I jt lost my knowing those e things does not 05:58 lelessen my pain. It will not shorten the time. may help me 06:02 understand better how to deal anhow to react to things 06:05 without asking for advice, because I know how to o give the 06:08 advice. But it's not goingo shorten the intensity of the 06:12 pain. It's not going to shorten the e time. So it doesn't 06:14 help in that respect. JB: So ausband or a wife 06:19 is gng to lose a spouse. MT: Um-hmm. 06:21 JB: Grief is going to cocome. MT: Yeah. 06:23 JB: WhWhat's guaranteed to come with that grief? 06:26 MT: Well, first of all, there's gointo be a sense 06:29 of e emptiness, loneliness. There may be, especily early on, 06:33 and ev continuing for months, the sense that it's not t real. 06:37 LiLike you've dreamed this. Like you want to pih yourself. 06:39 I still do that; it's be six months. So that's normal. 06:42 Also, there's frequent crying. You may y feel like 06:45 there's a weight pressg down on your chest, difficult to 06:47 breathe deeply. You'll find yourself sighi more 06:50 frequently. You'll find a sense of, ofof sorrow and sadness, uh, a 06:56 lost-ness. A loss of enjoyingactivities you used to enjoy 07:00 before, you suddenly now take nono pleasure in. Short-term memory 07:04 is gone. Um, abilities t concentrate are gone. And just 07:10 an overall feeli of depression and pain and sorrow that is 07:13 intense. It's, i it's a wonderful experience. 07:17 JB: I'm sure. MT: [laughs] 07:18 JB: Now, that's going to last how lo? 07:22 MT: It varies s from person to person. One to two years 07:25 is the average f a significant loss. Uh, some people 07:28 will experiencnce that up to three to five years, depend--a not 07:32 really be patholological with that. But you usually look for 07:35 recoveryand that means the ability to think clearly again.. 07:39 Maybe it's not the fir and last thing on your mind 07:40 every day. You'll still y and feel sad and feel the sorrow, 07:44 but be ablto function more normally after one to two years. 07:48 And then that's when we talk about rerecovery. 07:50 JB: There's no question n when it comes to grief, this is the work 07:53 of the enemy. "An enemy hath ne this." But we'll come 07:55 to the Bible, and we'll l discover that there is a way through. 07:57 There is a way through grief, and can thank God for that. 08:01 ll be back with more with Pastor Mike Tucker 08:02 in just a ment. 08:05 ♪[Soft Piano Music]♪ 08:11 Announcer: Grief. Sadly, it's an inetable part of life. 08:15 There's no escaping loss in this wororld and the pain that 08:17 comes alonong with it. Grief can be disabling, intense 08:20 andebilitating. So make sure you get your free copy 08:24 of "Coping with Grf" by John Bradshaw. There is a way through 08:27 life's toughest mes. Learn how you or someone you care about 08:31 n cope with grief. Discover principles that willll show you 08:34 how to returto a life full of joy and hope. Please, don't lett 08:38 grief be any more difficult than it has to be. . When the burdens 08:42 of loss seem to be more than you can ndle, there is a way you 08:45 can cope with grief. To receive the book "ping with Grief," 08:48 call right now 1-800-25353-3000. There's absolutely no cost or 08:53 obligation, and our nes are open 24 hours a day. If the 08:56 lines are busy, pleaease try again. We'll send "Coping with 09:00 Grief" free e to any address in North America. Call 09:03 1-800-253-303000. Or you can write to us at It Is Written, 09:08 P O Box 6, Chattanooga, Tennsee, 37401. To download 09:13 a free electronic version of "Coping with Grief,"," please 09:16 visit us online at ItIsWritten.com. To get 09:20 your free copy of "C"Coping with Grief," call right now, 09:23 1-800-253-303000. 09:26 ♪[Music]♪ 09:27 JB: Thanksor joining me today on It Is Written. 09:28 I'm John Bradshaw. With me my good friend 09:31 Mike Tucker, who is a pastor, and anuthor, and a television 09:33 presenter, aounselor, a chaplain. Mike, you've kind of 09:37 done it all. MT: Yeah. 09:38 JB: We're talkintoday about grief. You have, unfortunately, 09:43 a close-up, first-hand experience with grief. 09:45 And it's sometething everybody can relate to, or will relatto. 09:50 We hear a lot about the stages ofof grief. Walk us through those 09:54 and tell us how they app to a grieving situation. 09:56 MT: The stages of grief, itepends who you're 09:58 reading. Some people say there are fourur, another five, 10:00 another seveven, and another twelve. And all of them tend t 10:04 think that you go throh those stages in order. Well, those may 10:08 be helpful for a lot opeople; I've never found them to be 10:10 helpful. So it depends on who you reread. But if it's helpful 10:13 for you,u, use it. For me, instead, I usually think 10:16 about goals of grief. JB: The goals of grief? 10:18 : Goals of grief. Grief has a purpose. 10:21 And as you a accomplish goals, you walk your way through . 10:24 And then there a four activities of grief, 10:25 which I'll mention later. But e first goal of grief is to 10:28 believe that it actually happened. And agai you may, 10:34 you may deal with this and have through the journey. Because there are times s when I wake up, to revisit that all the way 10:36 after six months, anI still have to remind myself 10:38 that this is real. JB: A friend of mine was a 10:40 chaplain for a police dedepartment MT: Yeah. 10:42 JB: He'd tell me abobout having to go and break the news to 10:45 people: your husba has been killed in a terrible accident. 10:48 He told me it was really intereing that you go and 10:50 tell people this, and they just flat out refefuse to believe it. 10:53 MT: Right. JB: He spoke about one ly. 10:54 He had to put her in the car, drdrive her to the accident scene, 10:56 d say, "This is where it happened." 10:58 Still wouldn't belieieve it. MT: Yeah. 11:00 JB: So, so that's, that's a thing huh? 11:02 MT: You cannot, you cannot grieve a loss 11:04 you do not accept. And so the ocess is 11:09 happened. The truth is that if stopped until you acceptt. you live in deninial long enough, Yes, I believe this has really 11:12 eventually youan come to the point where you almost never get 11:15 back, or it's ry difficult to get back. And so the sooner you 11:18 accept the reality of it, thee better for you. So that is the 11:22 first goalal, is to believe that this really happened. Anagain, 11:25 the fact that you, you have times where you ubt it again, 11:28 but yoyou bring your mind--that doesn't mean that u haven't 11:30 accomplished this gogoal. You just have to re-accomplish it. So 11:33 thatat's the first goal, is to believe that it real happened. 11:36 The second goal isis to be willing to experience the pain. Uh, so 11:40 people will try outwork it, or ignore it, or stuff it. Some 11:44 people will out-medicate it, or out-ink it. Eventually the 11:48 pain's going to come and get you. If f you deal with it early, 11:52 it's better than i if you deal with it late, because when it 11:54 comes back late, it will com back in, in spades. So it'll be 11:57 even harder and more difficult. JB: But t isn't it right to try to 12:02 gerid of the pain? I mean, that's what we do. No onone goes 12:04 intoto surgery without anesthetic, and the first ing you do if 12:07 you have a headache is take a Tylenonol or some such thing. So 12:10 wouldn't that just be a natural thinto say, I've lost 12:14 a pet, a a grandparent... MT: Yeah, yeah. 12:16 JB: ...a spouse, a chi. It hurts like crazy. I want 12:18 to get rid of the in. MT: Yeah. Well, the truth is, 12:21 you can, you can help with that. There are dicines that can 12:24 help, and me people will use those, and that's fine. I don'tt 12:26 think there's a shame in that as long as ey're 12:27 us as, as prescribed. JB: Well, now, I'm not 12:30 specifically refring to medicines. 12:31 MT: YeYeah. JB: But wouldn't you want 12:32 to find a way out of thihis pain? You're saying... 12:34 MT: Abl...everyone wants to find a way out. 12:36 JB: What you're saying is,really, you ought to kind of 12:37 confront ts and live with it. MT: Yes, That's right. 12:38 JB: There's no way around it. MT: The ly way through grief 12:41 is, indeed, through it. You can't, you can outrun it. 12:46 And so, my p personality is such that I don't want to be 12:49 the victimAnd so since I know I have to go through it, 12:52 initiate contact with it. That means that I will l force myself 12:56 at times tthink about memories of her that are painful, 12:59 and those that are joyous. I, I gotot back in the pulpit 13:03 for the first time, oner than, perhaps, some would have 13:05 thought s advisable. But I knew I needed to do this. 13:08 JB: What was it like? MT: It wasery painful. 13:10 I had to steteel my mind and be, be prepared for the possibity. 13:15 I went ovethe danger points in my sermon where I might lose i it. 13:20 and JB: You prepared ahead of time. 13:21 MT: Yes, I did. I prepareded for that. 13:23 And so I, and I bathed myselflf in prayer, and then just 13:28 std up and delivered. And I got through it. 13:30 JB: Now, you a and Gayle, for years, have hosted 13:33 television programs. MT: Yeah, ye. 13:36 JB: Excellent prprogram. And you've gone back into the studio 13:40 thout her... MT: Yes. 13:41 JB: ...to film those programs now,w, with a team, 13:44 buon your own. MT: Yes. 13:46 JB: What was that ke? MT: Extremely painful. 13:48 Extremely painful, becau she should have been there. 13:50 JB: Yeahah. MT: We worked together as a team 13:52 so long that we would anticipate what thether was going to say, 13:55 and when they were going to say itand who was going to ask 13:56 the question next. We didn't have to give each other signs. 13:59 I miss that on a professioional level, but I just missed her, 14:03 and her laughterand her joy, and her comfort, 14:07 being there with me. Becauause that was always a team activity; 14:09 it was a a team ministry. So that was very painful. 14:12 JB: Wh's really fascinating here is that as an author,r, 14:16 a teacheher, a preacher, a television presenter, you ew 14:22 the pain that you we going to experience by doing it. Yet you 14:24 chose to do it a anyway. MT: Yeah. 14:26 JB: Now,as that the, was that the healthy thing to do, 14:28 or was it st the stubborn thing to do? 14:30 MT: It can be healthy-y--maybe it's stubborn too, because I am 14:32 stubborn. But I do think that, that there's's a health to it if, 14:36 indeed, you think you'reeady for the next step. I stretch 14:39 myself, and I lean into the pain. If I put it ofoff, it's 14:43 going to bharder and harder for me. And so I try to initiatete 14:47 things. . I've gone to favorite vacation spots withouter, just 14:50 to initiatate that. Restaurants where we've eaten togeer. 14:53 JB: Now, that't's interesting, because you got a couple of 14:55 guys who are friends, they go fishing evevery Sunday. 14:58 MT: Yeah. JB: You'd say to that guy, 14:59 "Go fishg." MT: Go fishing. 15:00 JB: Yeah? MT: Don't do iright away. 15:02 Wait until you think you're ready, butnitiate that. 15:04 Go back. A misconcnception is to think that to honor this 15:08 lifeI never do those things again. That's kind of buililding a 15:11 monument to them, and it restricts your life. Butut I want 15:14 honor Gayle's life by continuing to do the things s that 15:17 we didogether. One of the last things she said to me was s "live 15:20 our life. Live our life." That meant fah, it meant family, it 15:25 meant ministry. But I thk it further means, continue to live 15:28 with the joy that we h had. So I've gone to those vacation 15:31 spots. I've gone back toto the studio. I'm trying to write 15:34 again, but I can't concentrate like I, , I used to be able to. So 15:37 that'seen a painful experience for me; I'm just not able e to do 15:40 it yet. Some things you can doand some things you can't. 15:42 JB: But you anticipate that sosooner or later you'll be able 15:45 to do that. MT: Yes. I will that again. 15:47 JB: Let me ask you this: y you probably just answered 15:50 the question, but, u let's say, for instance, you used 15:54 to love to go to the store anand get an ice cream sundae. 15:57 MT: Yeahah. JB: Yeah. And so now you go to 15:59 the store,e, and you get an ice cream sundae. 16:01 MT: Um-hmm. JB: Do you feel ilty that 16:04 you're eoying this pleasure but she's not there, and soo 16:08 maybe I shouldn't? Dyou, because people 16:10 wrestle with this. MT: Yeah, they d do. 16:12 JB: So I'm asking you, is that, is that thing? 16:14 MT: It's a real ththing. And it's not something that I've had; 16:17 I just f feel, for me personally, I just feel her abnce and, 16:20 and that sorrow. But othther people feel guilt over this-- 16:23 kind o of a survivor's remorse. JB: What should th 16:25 do about tt? MT: I think that the best thing 16:27 to do ababout it is to still lean into it, and reminyourself 16:30 that t this is what that person would want you to . 16:33 As lonong as you have life, live it. And now this beces 16:36 the new tribute to them. One tribibute is to grieve and to 16:40 weep, and to withdraw to some degree. AnAnd you may do that for 16:43 a time. Eventually, you need too initiate contact with the pain, 16:47 and lean back into life, and that becomomes the new tribute 16:50 to them. So o as I engage in that process of being 16:53 lling to experience the pain, it means I'm, I crcry, 16:56 I think, I talk about the experience. BuBut I also initiate 17:00 the experience. For me, that's, that's's a better way of dealing 17:03 with it. Not every personality's the same. But for me, leaning 17:06 to it and anticipating the next first, and getting g there as 17:10 soon as I can, has been helpful for meme. 17:12 JB: As long as you havave life, live it. I'll be back with more 17:16 frfrom Mike Tucker in just a moment. 17:18 ♪[Music]♪ 17:25 "Every Word" is a one-minute, Bible-bad daily devotional 17:29 presented by Pastor John Bradshaw and desesigned 17:31 especially for b busy people like you. 17:34 Recieve a day spiritual boost. Watch "Every Word" 17:38 ♪[Mus]♪ 17:42 JB: Guilt is a major issue in alot of lives. 17:46 Not all guilt is bad 17:47 It's good to have something side you that let's you know 17:50 you've done something wrong.That you need to reexamine 17:52 behavior or attitudes or your responsese to others. 17:55 BuBut when you've done something really wrong it n be difficult 17:58 to get over the feelings of failure e or worthlessness, 18:00 or some her destructive emotions. But i've got good news 18:06 for you today. It's found in 1st The Bible says simply, Christ died for ourur sins. cocorinthians 15:3 18:09 what you do about the things u've done wrong, 18:11 really wrongYou can't take em back. But you can let Jesus 18:14 take away thguilt and ill feelings. Jesus died for your 18:17 sins. Sin's a serious thing bu Christ's death for you means 18:21 you don't have t to feel guilty about the mistakes that you' 18:25 made in the pa. Jesus has died for you and that's that! 18:32 I'm John Bradshaw for ItIs Written. Let's live today by every word." 18:34 ♪[Mususic]♪ 18:39 JB: Thanks for joining me today on It Is W Written. My guest 18:44 And Mike, as we discuss grief, is Pastor Mike Tucker looking at t the, the goals from Faith f Today. 18:48 of g grief, what were those first two again? 18:49 MT: Believe that itreally happened is the first 18:51 one. To be wilng to experience the pain is the second one. The 18:54 third one is to make adjustments to dailyly life without that 18:57 person in yourife. Now, for me, that means learning 19:01 to cook [chuckles], or finng cheap restaurants 19:04 [c[chuckles]. It also means finding a new confante. 19:08 Whatatever it may happen to be, there have to bedjustments 19:10 to life, daily life, without th individual. 19:12 JB: That becomes realally practical, doesn't it? 19:14 MT: Very practical. That's where the rubbereets the road. And 19:16 you have to do those things. Th's inescapable. 19:18 JB: After my dad died, my mother had to try toto figure out 19:21 who was going to change the light bululbs. 19:22 MT: : Yeah. JB: And get up high, 19:23 and these kinds of thihings. And that's, that's an adjustment, 19:26 isn't it? MT: All of those things are aa 19:27 part of this whole proce, and that's a big deal -- especially 19:31 when someone has been involved with youlife as Gayle was with 19:33 me for 40 years. We did erything together. But, you 19:36 know, there are still certain thingsgs around the house that she 19:38 did, and it wa divide and conquer. 19:40 JB: Sure. MT: I got no one to divide 19:41 with anymore, you know? It's all me. And soso I have to figure out 19:45 how to do the things that she used to do. Uh, itit may mean any 19:49 number of things, but you make thosose adjustments to daily life 19:51 without this pererson in your life anymore. Uh, that's, that' 19:55 reality; it's painful. You make the adjustments,s, but I'm also 19:59 leaning into that pain. I leararned how to get through her, 20:02 her birthday the first time withouher. That's an 20:04 adjustment. My daughter justst, my oldest daughter, just had her 20:08 birthday. That's aadjustment, getting through that birthday 20:10 without Momma being the. I may keep some old traditions, 20:14 and I may form some new ones. I don'n't know yet. 20:16 JB: Forming new trtraditions. MT: Yeah. 20:18 JB: Isn't it denial of the past? MT: Not necearily. I remember 20:21 one lady, when her mother di, it came Thanksgiving time. 20:25 The house was empty; hemother's house was empty. 20:27 d they always went there because it was the law 20:29 of the Medes and the PePersians: you ate at Momma's 20:31 housuse for Thanksgiving. And Momma kind of ruled th an iron 20:34 fist. So it ca up to Thanksgiving; she said, should I 20:37 go, should I have the faly go back and eat there in that 20:39 house? I said, absolutely not. It's t time for a new tradition. 20:43 The old tradition was fine while it laste Some things may stay 20:46 the same. But me things will change, and you need to form 20:50 that new tration. JB: And people ought to feel 20:51 mfortable about taking the responsibility for makining those 20:55 decisions and feing good about it. 20:56 MT: Yeah. It's all right. And, in fact, y you may make a bad 20:59 decision. ay. Go back and do it again a different 21:02 way next time. JB: Okay. Fourth sta, or 21:05 fourth goal. MTMT: Fourth goal is to be willing 21:07 to say gooye to the relationship as it used to be. 21:10 Withdraw the emotional energy and reinvestt elsewhere. I say 21:14 goodbye to that portion of our relationship, maybe one at a 21:18 time, and withdraw thatmotional energy that I'd 21:21 invested in thatand eventually find a place to reinvest. 21:24 Now, the healthy reinvesents are going to have to do 21:27 with God, with other peopl and with service, and with 21:31 giving, rather than just in somemething that's about me, 21:34 self-centetered or myopic. I want a broad, purpose forife. 21:38 And so I find a way to reinvest. I may do iin volunteerism. 21:41 I can reinst in my family, my children, my grandchildren.. 21:45 That's a part of the reinstment, and that's 21:47 okay. Some people will reinvest in a new l love. That may or may 21:51 not happen for me. It certainly shouldn'n't happen until a couple 21:55 of years down the road for yone. Anyone. Men are more 21:58 likely tremarry quickly. I have no idea if I ever will. 22:02 It's not anything I want to considider yet. It's not on my 22:05 dar yet, and it may never be. JB: Let me ask youou this: what 22:10 should someone do, or not do, help somebody else who's 22:15 grieving? MT: Don't try to fix it. That's 22:20 the numberne thing. When, better, because we're not people want to make me feel comfortable withth pain in 22:23 western society. I may express pain, and they'lll 22:25 come back with a "yeah, bu" You know, the "yeah, but" 22:28 I already know. 22:29 You'reot going to help me with the "yeah, but." I'm 22:32 beyond being cheered up. Iwill help down the road, and I know 22:36 that to be true. I know that this is s not goodbye; it's 22:38 goodnight. I will see her again. But ying to cheer me up with 22:42 the "yeah, but" is not helpful. Trying to push me e through it too 22:45 fast is not helpful. It's s been six weeks; shouldn't you feel 22:48 better by now? No, I shouldndn't. I've scarcely started by now. 22:51 JB: People say those things, don'n't they? 22:53 MT: Yes, thedo. Yeah, they do. JB: Wow. 22:55 MT: There's a book at I mentioned to you off air. 22:57 It's entled "Don't Ask For the Dead Man's Golf Clubs." 22:59 It's a great title!! JB: What a title. 23:01 MT: But, you know, it's really a list of l the things we do 23:04 that kind of mess people up when we're, qte, "trying to help" 23:07 in grieving. But I t think coming alongside and just listening to 23:10 the stories.s. Bringing Kleenex and being comfortable 23:13 with someone's tearsrs, and not trying to fix them. Don't try to 23:16 cheer them up. Lisn and be empathetic with them, and let 23:19 them work through thatrocess themself. If they ask you 23:21 toto cheer them up, that's fine. I think what mt people 23:24 want is just seone to know that, yes, this hurts, and 23:27 I'd ,I'll be happy t to listen to your stories, but I will be 23:29 there for you. JB: Grief is all part of this 23:31 great battle that's raging in the univse between 23:34 righteousness and sin. MT: Yeah. 23:35 JB: As we wrwrap up, tell me how your faith in God 23:42 has be a practical help to you as you grieve over 23:46 a devaststating loss. MT: We mentioned that the four 23:50 activiti of grief in the previous session were think, 23:53 talk, write and y. And I would like to add to that a fifth one, 23:56 and that is pray. Even at time when you've had a loss, it feels 23:59 likeke God is not there, that you're talking to empty 24:02 ceiling, pray anyway. It helps you organi your thoughts, and 24:06 it, and it still pours out your heart to t the only one who can 24:08 fix it for you. And so I pray. ief has made that, made me 24:16 even more keenly aware of the necessssity for my faith in God. 24:20 Some people lose faith becausethey get angry. I'm not angry, 24:24 beuse God has not withheld any of his promises, anyny of his 24:27 blessings. He's s a comfort. He's a strength. He cries with . 24:30 Aneventually he will dry my eyes. 24:34 JB: Amen. There's one versrse I expect you've read 24:40 again and again.MT: Yeah. 24:41 JB: Tell me if this is a help. The Bible says inn 24:47 rst Thessalonians, chapter 4, "For this we say toto 24:51 you by t the word of the Lord, that we who are alive d 24:54 reremain unto the coming of the Lord will by nmeans proceed 24:57 those who o are asleep. For the Lord himself will descd from 25:01 heaven w with a shout, with the voice of an 25:04 archangel, and witthe trumpet of God, and the dead in Christ 25:09 will rise first. Thewe who are alive and remain shall be caught 25:12 up together withth him in the clouds, to meet the Lord in the 25:15 air; and t thus we shall always be with the Lord." And rse 18 25:18 says, "Therefo, comfort one another with these words." Mike, 25:24 the Bible doesn't say those words tatake away our pain. 25:26 MT: No, it does not. JB: But it ds say 25:28 they offer comrt. MT: Yes. 25:29 JB: Do they offer you mfort? MT: They do, because I know that 25:31 what I've said is not goodbye; it's goodnig. I will see her 25:35 again in the morng. And that brings comfort. Surprisingly, it 25:39 bringsarying degrees of comfort at different phases. 25:42 JB: Sure. MT: There are timemes when it's 25:43 t particularly comforting. But overall, I know ththose 25:46 things to be true. And long term, yes, it brings 25:48 comforort; it brings hope. Because I grieve, 25:50 but not as tho who have no hope, as we are counseled. 25:54 I know that my Lord is comining, and when he comes Gayle will 25:58 rise, because heher faith was in him. And I will see her agai 26:01 ThThat is great hope. It's not goodbye; it's goodght. 26:04 JB: You know, more than I know, that whayou've shared today 26:08 is going to be an immense help and a comfort toto countless 26:12 MT: Sure. JB: Our Father in heaven, we are peopople. Thanks very much. Let's pray together. 26:16 grateful that the Bible declares ththat you are the God of all 26:19 comfort. And thehere are times in our experience where we 26:23 wrestle with emotions, and hurts, and losses and joys 26:26 that we don't really know how toprocess. We need your help. And 26:32 so thank you for beingur help and our stay and our strength. 26:36 And friend, as, as I I pray now and you're dealing with 26:40 perhaps, a loss, perhaps grief, perhaps just difficulty 26:44 of some type in your life, a are you willing to 26:48 say to Jesus, "Lord, I'm willing to let y carry me through"? 26:53 Friend, don't give up. D Don't quit. Don't fall back. Are you 26:57 willing to continuto say, "I'm placing my faith and trust in 27:01 you"? Heavenly F Father, take our hearts. We're not even sure st 27:06 the time how to give them. Maybe we cannot. But w we can ask 27:09 you to take them, and keep them, and minist to our hurts and 27:14 our confususions and our lack of understanding. Give us gce to 27:21 day when Jesus returns. In trt you now and always. And we Jesus' name, Amemen. look forward to thatat wonderful 27:26 Announcer: Make sure you get yourur free copy 27:28 of "Coping with Grief" by John Bradshaw, 27:30 free to any address in North Arica. 27:33 Call 1-800-253-3000. Or you can write to u us at It Is Written, 27:38 P.O. Box 6, Chattanooga, TN 37401. To download a a free 27:43 electronic version, pease visit us o online at itiswritten.com. 27:47 There is way through life's toughest times. 27:50 "Coping with Grief" " by John Bradshaw. 27:54 JB: Thank you souch for joining us today. I'm looking 27:55 forward to seeing you again next time. Until then,n, 27:58 remember, "It is written, 'Man shall not live by bread alone, 28:03 but by every word that proceedss from the mouth of God.'" 28:07 ♪[Music]♪ |
Revised 2021-07-23