Participants:
Series Code: IIWC
Program Code: IIWC202121S
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00:42 [MIKE] Welcome to It Is
00:43 Written Canada. 00:44 Thank you for joining us in 00:45 beautiful Kelowna, British 00:47 Columbia. 00:48 Our special guest again is Don 00:50 Straub, a practising clinical 00:52 counsellor who helps people 00:53 struggling with everyday 00:55 problems by giving them 00:56 powerful, practical solutions. 00:59 >> Don is going to look at 01:00 healthy and unhealthy ways of 01:03 expressing anger and is also 01:05 going to examine the question: 01:08 Are we in the hands 01:10 of an angry God? 01:12 Don, welcome back to It Is 01:14 Written Canada. 01:15 >> Thank you. 01:16 I'm pleased to be able to 01:17 share with you today. 01:18 >> Don, we're gonna be talking 01:20 about anger, do a lot of your 01:22 clients come to you with 01:23 anger issues? 01:25 >> Actually, I get a lot of 01:26 clients that come because they 01:28 don't know how to manage their 01:29 anger, it seems to be out 01:30 of control. 01:32 But I get a lot of other 01:33 clients that come for other 01:35 reasons like depression, 01:36 anxiety, and even couples who 01:38 come for counselling. 01:39 But after we get into the 01:41 counselling process, many of 01:43 them discover that anger is 01:44 probably the root or cause of 01:46 these other symptoms, we could 01:48 call it. 01:50 [RENÉ] So you're saying that 01:53 anger is the source, don't 01:55 people know that they're angry? 01:58 >> Well, there's some that do, 01:59 but-- and they're too ashamed 02:01 to admit it, they don't like 02:03 to talk about their anger, but 02:05 there's others that I believe 02:06 they don't even know 02:08 they're angry. 02:09 Have you ever heard someone 02:10 go, "I'm not angry!" 02:12 You see, some of us pretend 02:14 we're not angry, we suppress 02:15 it, we're not mindful of this 02:16 anger and then there are 02:18 others that don't have the 02:21 typical fireworks kind of 02:22 anger, you know, like, just... 02:25 "bang," you know, yelling, 02:26 screaming anger. 02:27 There are people who hold 02:29 their anger in, they stuff it, 02:30 they keep it hidden. 02:32 Some of those people can hold 02:34 that anger in for years. 02:35 And then there's others that, 02:37 you know, like, you shake a 02:38 can of pop and explodes? 02:40 So they'll stuff it and then 02:41 they'll explode with their 02:43 anger and stuff it some more 02:44 and then explode and usually 02:46 they explode it on innocent 02:47 people that haven't really 02:48 done much, you know, 02:50 to hurt them. 02:51 You know, I've had an 02:53 experience where it really 02:55 opened my eyes to the power of 02:57 the anger that I have, the 02:59 potential that I have 03:00 within me. 03:01 >> Don, are you willing to 03:02 share that? 03:04 >> Sure I would. 03:06 I had asked one of my son's 03:07 teachers to let me know if my 03:09 son was struggling in math and 03:12 one day he came home with his 03:14 report card and there was an 03:15 "F" on his report card. 03:17 And I became angry, but I 03:19 didn't want my son to see me 03:21 angry so I stuffed my anger 03:22 and went on with the rest of 03:23 the evening. 03:25 Then I realized I was a little 03:26 late for a church meeting that 03:28 I was the platform chairman 03:29 for so I dashed out to the 03:31 garage, got in my car, looked 03:34 at my rear view mirror and I 03:35 just shoved it in reverse and 03:37 backed out as fast as I could 03:39 and I-- "Bang!" 03:40 I looked to my left and I had 03:41 bent my car door backwards as 03:43 it struck the garage door. 03:44 >> You left it open. 03:45 [DON] I had left it open. 03:47 And that's when I become aware 03:50 of the fact that anger is like 03:52 being drunk. 03:53 And then later when I did my 03:55 studying in counselling, I 03:57 began to realize that when 03:59 we're angry, our heart rate's 04:01 up, we're flooded, we don't 04:02 see everything, we don't hear 04:04 everything, and we're 04:05 certainly not thinking 04:06 logically or rationally in 04:08 those moments. 04:10 >> So, Don, you have titled 04:12 what you're sharing with us 04:14 right now, "In the Hands of" 04:15 "an Angry God." 04:17 Is God really an angry God? 04:21 >> I don't believe He is in 04:22 the sense that He's constantly 04:24 enraged or something like that. 04:27 The thing about scripture is 04:28 there are 44 verses that tell 04:30 us that God has this emotion 04:32 of anger and I'm gonna talk 04:33 about why that is in a bit. 04:36 But the reason I titled this 04:40 talk with "In the Hands of" 04:42 "an Angry God," is because it 04:43 comes from the title of a 04:45 sermon by Pastor Jonathan 04:46 Edwards back in 1741. 04:50 Apparently this sermon started 04:52 a revival around the world. 04:55 But I have to agree with Brian 04:57 Zahnd who said that, 05:09 I wanna share with you one 05:10 paragraph from this 05:12 famous sermon. 05:14 He says, "The God that holds" 05:57 >> Wow, so how do you 05:58 reconcile that with what the 06:00 scriptures teach about God 06:02 being love? 06:04 [DON] I can't. 06:06 When I think of being a 06:08 father, like, how can any kind 06:11 of a God take pleasure 06:13 torturing his children 06:15 like this? 06:17 How can any father even think 06:21 of his children like this? 06:23 I mean, I'm the father of 06:24 four, the grandfather of 06:26 twelve, there's no way I 06:28 picture any of my children or 06:30 grandchildren like this. 06:31 It does not makes sense. 06:35 >> So, Don, what is anger? 06:39 Isn't it an emotion? 06:41 [DON] That's all anger is. 06:43 It's simply an emotion. 06:46 The thing about emotions is 06:47 that all the emotions, except 06:49 for shame which I'll talk 06:51 about later, have a purpose. 06:53 Every emotion can be thought 06:55 of as an action signal. 06:57 It's a signal to take some 06:59 kind of action. 07:01 Anger is an action signal to 07:03 protect yourself and the 07:05 people you love from injustice. 07:09 Whenever there's an injustice, 07:11 such as, let's say I see 07:12 racism happening, if I don't 07:15 have the emotion of anger when 07:18 I see that injustice, in 07:20 counselling we would call that 07:21 sociopathic or psychopathic 07:23 because I have no feelings 07:25 of injustice. 07:27 So it's appropriate to be 07:29 angry when there's injustice. 07:31 And then I have to think, no 07:33 wonder God get's angry, no 07:35 wonder there are 44 verses 07:37 that say God has the emotion 07:39 of anger. 07:40 I mean, who but God sees so 07:43 much injustice going on in 07:44 this world? 07:46 See, it's not about the anger, 07:49 it's how we express that anger 07:52 that really counts. 07:53 >> So, Don, are you saying 07:54 that there are different ways 07:56 in which we can express 07:57 this anger? 07:58 [DON] Yes. 08:00 >> So can you explain 08:01 what that looks like? 08:02 >> There are actually four 08:03 ways of expressing anger. 08:05 Three of them are very 08:07 unhealthy usually and 08:09 inappropriate usually, 08:10 and one very healthy, almost 08:13 always appropriate. 08:15 Let's talk about passive anger 08:17 an unhealthy expression of 08:19 anger generally, passive anger 08:21 is when you stuff it, you hold 08:22 it in, hold it down and you 08:25 kinda pretend you're not angry. 08:28 People who express anger 08:29 passively, they're not really 08:31 respecting themselves, they're 08:33 just respecting everybody else 08:34 'cause they're not willing to 08:36 speak up for themselves, to 08:37 protect themselves, to set a 08:38 boundary to protect themselves. 08:41 Let's take aggressive anger, 08:42 that's kind of the one we're 08:43 familiar with, right? 08:45 The fireworks, the loud. 08:47 The aggressive anger doesn't 08:48 respect other people, only the 08:50 person who's expressing it. 08:53 The aggressive, angry person 08:57 wants to have control, they 08:58 wanna control others, they 08:59 want to intimidate them. 09:02 Then there's this insidious 09:03 combination of the two called 09:05 passive-aggressive expressions 09:07 of anger, kind of a 09:08 combination of the worst parts 09:10 of both of those. 09:11 And the thing about 09:13 passive-aggressive anger is it 09:15 can be couched or hidden. 09:17 Like, it can be hidden as 09:19 humour: "I was only joking." 09:20 Or sarcasm, they think they're 09:22 funny by being sarcastic, but 09:24 it's really cutting. 09:26 Or gossip, gossip is really a 09:27 passive-aggressive because 09:29 you're not willing to express 09:30 your anger to the person 09:31 you're angry at, but you'll 09:32 talk about 'em behind 09:33 their back. 09:35 Or some kind of anonymous 09:37 forms of anger all come under 09:38 the heading of 09:40 "passive-aggressive anger." 09:42 >> So, Don, what is the 09:45 healthy, appropriate way of 09:47 expressing your anger then? 09:50 >> There is an appropriate way 09:52 and we call it "assertiveness." 09:53 Now, a lot of people are 09:55 afraid of that word because 09:56 they think assertiveness is 09:57 like an aggressive kind of 09:58 anger, but it's not at all. 10:00 Assertiveness is not a way to 10:03 get your own way. 10:04 An assertive person really 10:06 believes that they're only in 10:08 charge of their own behaviour 10:10 and that others are in charge 10:11 of their behaviour. 10:13 So the assertive person 10:14 respects them self and 10:17 others equally. 10:18 The assertive person is 10:20 willing to put boundaries on 10:22 themselves to protect 10:24 themselves from being harmed, 10:26 but they're willing to speak 10:27 their truth, but when they do 10:28 speak their truth, they speak 10:30 it respectfully and they 10:32 respect other people's 10:33 opinions as well. 10:35 >> So can it really be that 10:37 simple, just be assertive all 10:39 the time? 10:41 >> It's not simple, to tell 10:42 you the truth, it's not simple 10:44 and I have-- I'm being very 10:46 sort of short here. 10:48 My book goes into great detail 10:49 about all of these four types 10:51 of expressions of anger. 10:53 But just to say a little bit 10:55 about that; you see, sometimes 10:58 it's appropriate to be passive. 11:00 If someone really has a gun to 11:02 your head and says, "Hand me" 11:03 "your wallet," be passive, 11:05 give him your wallet. 11:07 This is not a time for an 11:08 assertive conversation. 11:11 And you know that police 11:12 sometimes have to become 11:13 aggressive to take down 11:16 dangerous people to protect us. 11:18 So it's not always that easy. 11:21 The other problem is this: 11:24 assertiveness is a skill to be 11:26 learned and practised and 11:28 they're not teaching this in 11:30 schools, unfortunately. 11:31 So most of us don't know much 11:33 about how to be assertive. 11:35 I do workshops on 11:36 assertiveness skills. 11:38 But you can learn all the 11:39 skills, how to say the right 11:41 words, when to say them, 11:42 etcetera, etcetera. 11:44 But there's another problem as 11:45 we talked about in prior 11:47 episodes, we get flooded, we 11:50 get triggered, we get into 11:51 this "fight, flight, or freeze" 11:53 in an instant and our 11:55 heart-rates go up, we're 11:57 flooded, we don't see 11:58 everything, we don't hear 11:59 everything, we're not thinking 12:01 rationally and our emotions 12:03 take over and we become 12:05 flooded, aggressive, 12:08 passive-aggressive or 12:09 even passive. 12:10 Fight, flight, or freeze is 12:11 really what those three are. 12:14 >> So, Don, can you tell us 12:15 more about how this works? 12:17 >> Sure. 12:19 I developed the iceberg model 12:22 because the iceberg, as you 12:24 probably know, we only see 12:26 10 to 15% of an iceberg, 85 or 12:30 90% of the iceberg is below 12:31 the surface. 12:33 What we see is what we call it 12:35 "the tip of the iceberg" and 12:37 these are our behaviours. 12:39 We see people behave in 12:40 certain ways. 12:42 Self-defeating behaviours, 12:44 what the Bible calls, "sin," 12:45 are things like your 12:47 addictions, fighting, fight, 12:49 flight, and freeze often are 12:51 self-defeating behaviours, 12:53 whereas life-enhancing 12:54 behaviours are loving actions, 12:56 caring, honouring, respecting. 12:58 But behind or below the 13:00 surface of self-defeating 13:01 behaviours is the emotion 13:04 of anger. 13:05 Now it's just below the 13:07 surface, we can't see anger 13:09 because it's an emotion, we 13:11 only see how it's expressed 13:14 in our behaviours. 13:15 But anger is really a 13:18 secondary emotion most of the 13:20 time, which means there are 13:22 primary emotion or emotions 13:25 behind the anger; fear, 13:27 sadness, guilt, shame is the 13:29 big one. 13:30 Shame is an emotion that often 13:34 affects how the anger comes 13:36 out, how it's expressed. 13:39 Now, I could have put the 13:40 word, "guilt," here as well as 13:41 the word, "shame," because the 13:43 Bible really doesn't 13:44 differentiate between these 13:46 two words, "guilt" and "shame." 13:48 They feel the same. 13:50 They feel identical. 13:51 So it's really a matter of 13:53 definitions here because guilt 13:55 is when I've done something to 13:57 hurt somebody, it's an action, 13:59 it's a behaviour, I do 14:00 something so I feel guilt. 14:03 However, shame is false guilt. 14:07 I haven't done anything wrong, 14:08 but I feel guilty. 14:10 So you can see that would 14:12 serve no purpose, remember I 14:13 said shame is the one emotion 14:14 that serves no purpose. 14:15 Why would false guilt serve 14:17 any purpose? 14:18 But shame is that big culprit 14:21 because shame isn't about what 14:23 I have done, shame is about a 14:26 belief of who I am and so we 14:29 go back to those negative 14:30 beliefs, those untruthful lies 14:33 that we come to believe, like, 14:34 "I'm not important, I'm not" 14:36 "worthy, I'm not good enough," 14:38 "I'm stupid, I'm ugly." 14:40 All of these beliefs, these 14:42 negative beliefs, actually 14:44 create the emotion of shame. 14:46 If you wanna define shame it's 14:47 basically a very painful 14:51 emotion or experience that we 14:54 get when we believe we're not 14:56 good enough or we're flawed 14:58 and we don't belong. 15:00 But the thing about these 15:02 negative beliefs is they come 15:04 from some kind of experience 15:07 that we've had in the past. 15:08 We call them "core wounds." 15:10 Remember Johnny when his dad 15:12 yelled at him and told him 15:15 these scary things that Johnny 15:18 was so hurt by? 15:19 And Johnny had this core wound 15:21 from his father and he started 15:22 to believe he was stupid, that 15:24 he was not a good person, and 15:26 when those beliefs come up in 15:28 our minds, they create the 15:30 emotion of shame and anger is 15:32 actually an anaesthetic to pain, 15:36 an anaesthetic to pain and 15:38 shame is actually a pain and 15:40 the unconscious brain does not 15:41 differentiate between physical 15:43 pain and emotional pain. 15:45 I mean, our logical brains do, 15:47 but the conscious brain reacts 15:49 from this emotion of pain with 15:51 this emotion of anger because 15:53 it's just like we touched a 15:54 hot stove, we immediately go 15:56 to anger and when there's 15:57 shame behind the anger, that 15:59 anger comes out in these 16:01 self-defeating methods or 16:03 expressions. 16:05 >> So where does sadness and 16:08 fear and guilt come into the 16:10 iceberg model? 16:12 >> So what we need to know 16:14 here is that our society has 16:18 sort of programmed us, 16:19 especially men, for a man to 16:22 feel sad is shaming, it's like 16:26 I'm not-- I'm weak, 16:28 I'm not good enough. 16:29 For a man to feel afraid 16:32 creates shame, "I'm not strong" 16:34 "enough, I should be a man." 16:35 "Real men don't get afraid." 16:37 You see? 16:38 And so when we-- we can go 16:40 from sadness, immediately to 16:41 shame, and then to anger. 16:45 >> So, Don, let me see if I 16:47 understand the definitions 16:50 between shame and guilt and 16:52 how they differ. 16:54 So guilt-- so what you're 16:56 saying, really, is that guilt 16:59 is how you're feeling, like 17:01 you're guilty 'cause you've 17:03 done something bad, but shame 17:06 is a label: "You are bad," 17:09 "I am bad, I'm not a" 17:12 "good person." 17:13 [DON] Exactly. 17:14 And the reason it's important 17:16 to get this difference is 17:17 because we have to treat each 17:20 of these differently. 17:22 So as a counsellor, I need to 17:24 help my clients, if they're 17:26 actually feeling true guilt, 17:29 this is where they need to 17:30 forgive, they need to 17:32 apologize, make amends 17:33 because this is how we 17:34 heal guilt. 17:37 But you can't treat false 17:39 guilt that way, you have to 17:41 treat it differently. 17:42 Remember shame is false guilt, 17:44 it's based on labels, who I 17:46 believe I am and those are 17:48 lies, that is where we have to 17:50 tell ourselves the truth, 17:51 that's how we treat shame, 17:53 we recognize that I'm 17:54 believing a lie right now, I 17:56 need to say the truth about 17:58 myself, "I am important," 17:59 "I do matter, I am worthy," 18:02 "I'm a child of God." 18:05 >> So this is, like you said, 18:08 really treated differently in 18:09 your counselling. 18:11 So how has this helped and how 18:13 do you treat this as a 18:14 counsellor? 18:16 >> Actually, it's very much 18:18 more complicated than even how 18:19 I've expressed it, but that's 18:21 one of the things I do, that 18:22 type of therapy, right? 18:24 I use forgiveness therapy as a 18:26 way of letting go and I'm 18:27 gonna talk about that in depth 18:29 in a future episode, and I use 18:31 cognitive behavioural therapy 18:33 to address the shame. 18:35 But, you see, besides this 18:37 core wound, we get this core 18:38 wound, right, from somebody, 18:40 and sometimes, in fact most 18:43 often, a core wound is 18:45 traumatizing and we get 18:48 different levels of PTSD, Post 18:50 Traumatic Stress Disorder, 18:52 from some of the wounds that 18:53 people have caused us. 18:55 And so, as a counsellor, I 18:57 have to treat the root of this 19:00 shame, the root of the 19:01 negative belief and that's 19:03 generally some kind of trauma. 19:06 And I have special therapies 19:07 that I've been trained in as a 19:09 trauma counsellor to help 19:10 people get free of the pain of 19:13 that trauma, it's another 19:15 layer even below that needs to 19:17 be treated so they don't get 19:19 triggered. 19:20 >> And you've talked about a 19:22 lot of that in your book and 19:23 how effective that is. 19:26 So before we close, can we 19:28 talk about God's anger? 19:31 [DON] Right, we need to come 19:32 back to that. 19:33 So we know that God has anger, 19:36 but you could also see right 19:38 now that surely God does not 19:41 feel shame or guilt or fear, 19:46 these aren't the things that 19:48 are below God's anger. 19:49 So God has the ability to 19:51 express anger appropriately, 19:54 assertively, if you will, 19:56 and really, what does God do 19:59 with His anger? 20:00 He forgives. 20:02 Let me share something 20:03 with you. 20:04 This is the heart of God. 20:07 Jesus said... 20:23 Jonathan Edwards talked as if 20:26 God was our worst enemy, 20:29 but God says, "I wanna be" 20:31 "your friends, not just your" 20:33 "father, but your friend." 20:36 So this is so important to 20:39 understand the character 20:40 of God. 20:42 The truth is God loves us 20:45 and God's love is a 20:46 sacrificial love, a love 20:49 that will never let us go. 20:52 ♪Oh love that will not 20:56 ♪let me go 21:01 ♪I rest my weary soul in thee 21:09 ♪I give thee back 21:13 ♪the life I owe 21:17 ♪That in thine ocean depths 21:22 ♪its flow 21:25 ♪May richer, fuller be 21:37 ♪Oh joy that seekest me 21:40 ♪through pain 21:44 ♪I cannot close my heart 21:47 ♪to thee 21:51 ♪I trace the rainbow 21:55 ♪through the rain 21:59 ♪And feel the promise 22:03 ♪is not vain 22:06 ♪That morn shall tearless be 22:18 ♪Ooo 22:26 ♪Oh cross that liftest up 22:30 ♪my head 22:34 ♪I dare not ask to fly 22:38 ♪from thee 22:41 ♪I lay in dust's life's 22:45 ♪glory dead 22:49 ♪And from the ground 22:53 ♪there blossoms red 22:56 ♪Life that shall endless be 23:12 >> So we know that God is love 23:15 and we know that God has 23:17 chosen to run His universe on 23:19 this principle of love and 23:21 freedom because without 23:23 freedom there can be no love. 23:26 And we know that God has the 23:28 emotion of anger and what I've 23:30 found in the book of Romans, 23:31 chapter 1 is kind of a series 23:34 of verses that really shows us 23:37 how God prefers to show His 23:41 anger, to express His anger. 23:43 And it starts with this, 23:44 it says... 23:57 And then there are verses that 23:59 tell how He shows it. 24:01 It goes on like this... 24:10 Another verse... 24:18 And a third one... 24:31 That is a God of freedom 24:33 because God knows you can't 24:35 force people to love Him. 24:37 Love must only come when you 24:39 have freedom, the choice 24:42 to choose. 24:45 Jesus showed us what it means 24:50 to love when He said, "Father," 24:53 "forgive these people, they do" 24:56 "not know what they're doing." 24:59 He said those words when they 25:00 were nailing Him to a cross. 25:04 These are the words of a 25:06 loving God, a God that wants 25:08 to be our friend. 25:11 He wants to reconcile with us. 25:15 You see, we're not talking 25:16 about an angry father 25:19 torturing His son for our sins. 25:23 Never. 25:24 Listen, it says... 25:58 That's the God who wants to be 26:00 our friends. 26:03 Is God an angry God? 26:06 No, a thousand times no! 26:09 We are in the hands of a 26:11 loving God. 26:14 >> Don, thank you so much for 26:16 that beautiful picture that 26:18 you have painted of God's love 26:20 and Him wanting to be our 26:22 friend because He loves us so 26:24 much and cares for us so much. 26:27 Before we end, I wonder if you 26:29 could please pray for us. 26:30 >> For sure. 26:33 Father God, You have revealed 26:37 Your character through Your 26:39 Son, Jesus Christ, who came 26:42 and lived on this earth as a 26:45 man and yet as God. 26:48 Thank You for this offer of 26:50 friendship that you've 26:51 extended to us. 26:53 I just pray for all those 26:55 listening would reach out 26:57 and take Your hand and choose 27:00 this friendship. 27:02 In Jesus name, I pray, amen. 27:03 [MIKE] Amen, amen. 27:05 Don, thank you so much for 27:07 presenting such a beautiful 27:09 picture of God and next time 27:10 we're gonna be talking about 27:12 how to deal with deep hurt. 27:14 >> Mm-hmm. 27:17 >> Friends, as Don Straub 27:19 shared with us, God is not 27:21 only a God of love, but a God 27:23 of freedom and we want to give 27:25 you a chance to learn more 27:28 about this freedom by sending 27:29 you our free offer today which 27:31 is Don Straub's book entitled, 27:33 Bridges To Freedom: Creating 27:35 Change Through Science and 27:38 Christian Spirituality. 27:40 >> So you can move closer to 27:42 the Lord, get past your 27:44 mistakes, and learn life 27:45 lessons with the essential 27:47 bridges to freedom described 27:49 in this book. 27:53 >> We want you to experience 27:54 the truth that is found in the 27:56 words of Jesus when He said, 27:58 "It is written, man shall not" 28:00 "live by bread alone, but by" 28:03 "every word that proceeds out" 28:05 "of the mouth of God." 28:08 ♪♪ |
Revised 2022-02-15