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Series Code: IIWC
Program Code: IIWC202404S
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00:04 ♪♪ 00:07 [theme music playing] 00:10 ♪♪ 00:42 [gentle piano music playin] 00:45 ♪♪ 00:48 >> Welcome to It Is Written 00:49 Canada. 00:50 Thank you for joining us. 00:51 God Himself gave Adam 00:53 a companion, He provided a 00:55 help mate for him, a helper 00:57 corresponding to him, 00:58 one who was fitted to be his 01:01 companion, and who could be one 01:03 with him in love and sympathy. 01:07 >> Eve was created from a rib 01:09 taken from the side of Adam, 01:12 signifying that she was not to 01:14 control him as the head, 01:16 nor to be trampled under his 01:18 feet as an inferior, 01:21 but to stand by his side 01:23 as an equal, 01:24 to be loved and protected 01:27 by him. 01:29 >> According to marriage 01:30 researcher Dr. John Gottman in 01:32 his book The Seven Principles 01:34 for Making Marriage Work, the 01:36 determining factor for the 01:38 happiness of marriage for both 01:40 men and women was the quality of 01:43 the couple's friendship. 01:46 >> Marlon and Doreen Cliffe are 01:48 our special guests on It Is 01:50 Written Canada today. 01:52 They are certified Gottman 01:54 educators for the Seven 01:56 Principles for Making Marriage 01:57 Work, Certified Prepare 02:00 Enrich Facilitators, Caring for 02:03 the Heart Ministries lay 02:05 counsellors and marriage 02:07 wellness coaches. 02:09 >> Doreen and Marlon, thank you 02:11 for joining us on It Is Written 02:12 Canada today. 02:14 >> It's our pleasure to be here. 02:14 >> Yes, good to be here. 02:17 >> So talk about 02:19 what is good that's happening 02:21 in good relationships. 02:24 >> Mmm, intimacy. 02:26 "Into me see." 02:28 And that requires being 02:29 vulnerable and taking a risk to 02:31 opening up to each other and 02:33 creating that safe space 02:35 to be able to do that. 02:37 >> So intimacy, you said, "Into 02:39 me see," so you're taking that 02:40 word, "intimacy," and turned it 02:42 into three words. 02:43 So I'm thinking about that. 02:45 Who allows you to see into me 02:47 is me. 02:48 So you're right. 02:48 I mean, creating that 02:49 safe place. 02:50 I have to feel safe 02:52 in order to allow you to 02:54 see into me. 02:55 Okay, and that's more than just 02:57 sexual intimacy. 02:57 We're talking about intimacy on 03:00 who I really am and that's 03:03 much more vulnerable. 03:04 >> Yeah, emotional intimacy is 03:06 probably the most vulnerable, 03:07 and, you know, looking into 03:08 your heart. 03:09 >> Doreen and Marlon, can you 03:11 tell us what the three 03:13 ingredients or the three key 03:15 ingredients are to 03:17 creating this 03:18 intimacy, safe space, 03:21 and even a friendship. 03:23 >> Yeah, so the three 03:24 ingredients for creating a 03:25 friendship and intimacy... 03:28 Well, the first one is: 03:30 "I know you." 03:31 And this is building a love map 03:33 of your internal world 03:34 of your partner. 03:35 So I really know everything 03:36 about you and I understand you, 03:37 what you're thinking, what 03:39 you're feeling, so that I can 03:40 then meet those needs. 03:42 So when we go out for dinner, 03:44 I know, hey, where you want 03:45 to go. 03:47 >> The second component of 03:48 friendship is "I love you." 03:51 So sharing that fondness and 03:53 admiration and what you 03:54 appreciate about your partner. 03:57 >> And the third ingredient of 03:58 building a strong friendship is 04:00 "I'm here for you." 04:02 And this is turning towards 04:03 instead of turning away. 04:05 And those bids for connection 04:06 that are constantly being made, 04:08 maybe dozens of times per day, 04:09 that maybe we miss. 04:11 >> So those three key components 04:14 of intimacy, friendship, safe 04:16 place are "I know you," "I love 04:18 you," and "I'm here for you." 04:20 Just want to kind of repeat 04:21 those. 04:22 So "I know you," you said that 04:23 it's about making love maps. 04:25 So talk to us about that. 04:26 What is making a love map? 04:28 I mean, if I say "I know you," 04:29 well, I married my wife, 04:31 so I know her, it just 04:34 ends there, right? 04:35 Like I know her 04:36 so it's all right. 04:37 I mean, why do I have to 04:38 continue to do this? 04:39 >> Yeah, so when we first meet 04:41 and we're creating those love 04:42 maps, over time they change. 04:44 So for example, my wife's 04:46 favourite food was Italian when 04:48 we got married and now it's 04:51 Moroccan and it changes every 04:53 six months. 04:53 She wants to try something new 04:55 and adventurous, so I'm 04:55 constantly having to update 04:56 those love maps. 04:57 It's just creating an internal 04:59 map in my mind what she likes 05:01 and what she dislikes. 05:02 >> Yeah, at the beginning of our 05:04 relationship, we were very 05:06 curious about each other. 05:08 We asked these open-ended 05:09 questions. 05:11 You know, "What kind of food do 05:13 you like?" 05:13 "Where do you wanna go 05:15 for travel?" 05:17 You know, "How do you wanna 05:18 get there?" 05:19 "Do you wanna take the train?" 05:20 "Do you wanna fly?" 05:21 "Do you wanna take the bus?" 05:22 You know, all these how, what, 05:24 when questions 05:26 which we're not able 05:28 to just give a yes or no answer, 05:30 we're giving a story. 05:32 So we're really good at being 05:34 storytellers, really, when we're 05:36 exploring our love maps at the 05:38 very beginning of our 05:39 relationship, but over time, 05:41 our conversations become kind of 05:43 logistical, like, who's gonna 05:45 drop off the kids, who's gonna 05:46 make dinner, who's gonna do─ 05:47 start the laundry tonight? 05:49 And it just comes about, 05:51 you know, more of a 05:53 strategic kind of relationship 05:55 about who's gonna do what. 05:57 So it's getting back into really 05:59 knowing what is my husband's 06:02 desire? 06:03 What are his dreams? 06:05 What are his worries? 06:06 What are his fears? 06:08 And asking those questions 06:10 to really see within his heart 06:13 and see his emotional... 06:16 ...wellness. 06:17 Where is it at? 06:18 You know, what makes him happy? 06:20 What makes him sad? 06:21 And having those deep 06:23 conversations and allowing the 06:24 other person to tell the story. 06:27 So, many times we're like, 06:29 "Okay, okay, that's enough 06:30 just get to the point," right? 06:32 And we stop the storytelling, 06:34 we stop the other person from 06:37 telling the story because we 06:38 wanna just get to the point, 06:39 hurry, we've gotta do this. 06:41 So learning to be storytellers 06:42 again and learn, you know, about 06:44 each other's worlds. 06:46 >> Tell us a little bit about 06:47 nurturing fondness and 06:50 admiration, which is the 06:51 second ingredient, which is 06:53 "I love you." 06:54 >> Mmmm. 06:56 So a lot of times we slip into a 06:58 negative perspective and we 06:59 start looking at what's wrong or 07:01 what needs to be fixed. 07:03 You know when we're first dating 07:04 we naturally are expressing 07:06 saying thank you. 07:07 "Honey, that was a beautiful 07:08 meal, so thank you for 07:09 making that. 07:10 It tasted so amazing." 07:11 We're naturally expressing that 07:13 fondness and admiration. 07:15 But over time it starts to erode 07:17 and we start to see some of 07:19 those negative things which we 07:21 start to focus on. 07:22 So really what we need to start 07:24 to change our focus, to start 07:26 searching and looking for 07:27 what's right. 07:29 [DOREEN] Yes, there's something 07:30 called a reticular activating 07:32 response, where what we 07:35 see is what we focus on. 07:37 So for example, if I buy a red 07:38 car, I notice all the red cars 07:40 as I'm driving down the road. 07:43 So sometimes our focus can be 07:45 for that negative bent or 07:47 negative perspective. 07:49 And when that's all we focus on, 07:51 that's all we see. 07:53 So changing the focus 07:55 is so key to noticing, 07:58 "Oh, you know what? 07:59 He's an amazing hockey player. 08:02 He gets all of the sportsmanlike 08:04 awards, the high 08:06 goal-scoring award and..." 08:09 But I never say, "You know what? 08:11 I'm proud of you. 08:12 I really appreciate 08:14 your athleticism and 08:15 how the kids 08:17 really see how perseverance 08:19 pays off and your commitment 08:22 to the sport," and so on. 08:24 So you're speaking about 08:25 something that Marlon does, 08:27 I am, but I'm also 08:30 talking about his character 08:32 that's displayed within that. 08:34 So focusing on the character 08:35 and appreciating that is 08:37 so important. 08:38 >> So tell me about a, 08:40 maybe a practical little 08:43 exercise that 08:45 a couple could do 08:47 to nurture fondness 08:49 and admiration. 08:50 >> Mmm, yes. 08:51 >> So one of the things we do is 08:52 we have couples write down on a 08:54 list, make a list. 08:55 Just start off, pick three, 08:57 three characteristics that 08:59 you admire and appreciate. 09:00 We actually give them a list of 09:01 words of characteristics that 09:02 they can actually look at 09:04 so they can actually identify. 09:05 Because sometimes we get out of 09:06 practice and we have a hard time 09:07 even recognizing. 09:08 So go through the list and check 09:09 off three. 09:10 And then describe when that 09:12 characteristic was displayed and 09:14 give an example of that. 09:15 So not only you're expressing 09:17 the fondness and admiration, 09:18 you're now giving it back, and 09:19 with an example to make it 09:20 even more real and to drive the 09:22 point home, say, "Okay..." 09:23 You know, so it really 09:24 sinks home. 09:25 >> It does, and you start to 09:27 engage and practice that 09:28 storytelling in the process. 09:31 You know, "I remember when 09:33 you displayed this 09:34 characteristic and I really 09:36 appreciated that." 09:38 Yes. 09:39 So it's important to really 09:41 pay attention to our thoughts. 09:44 What are we focusing on? 09:45 Are we focusing on what we 09:47 appreciate or what bothers us 09:50 about that person? 09:52 >> Marlon and Doreen, we've 09:54 heard you say that the 09:56 third component 09:58 of friendship 09:59 in marriage is vital, 10:02 and that is turning 10:04 towards each other 10:05 instead of turning away or 10:08 against each other. 10:10 Can you tell us a little bit 10:11 about this third component that 10:13 is so vital? 10:15 >> This is─ it is very vital. 10:18 And this is what we see when we 10:20 work with couples that is 10:21 a missing link. 10:23 You know, fondness and 10:24 admiration is super important to 10:27 create that positive perspective 10:29 in the relationship. 10:31 But turning towards each other, 10:34 this is what creates trust in a 10:35 relationship. 10:37 And if we're not turning towards 10:39 each other's needs, 10:41 our desires, you know, 10:43 our bids for adventure, 10:44 whatever it may be, 10:47 then really distrust starts to 10:49 develop in the relationship. 10:51 And we'll hear couples say, 10:53 you know, "We─ I don't trust 10:55 my husband or I don't trust my 10:57 wife, but there's no─ been no 10:59 big betrayal, but I don't 11:00 understand why I don't trust." 11:03 So as we start to unpack 11:05 and discover there's no 11:07 turning towards each other, 11:09 then we identify, okay, 11:11 what do you need each other to 11:14 turn towards each other in 11:16 in your life? 11:17 And then we're like, "Oh," then 11:19 they, like, "Yes, that's 11:20 exactly it!" 11:21 It's pinpointed where the 11:22 distrust is coming from. 11:25 This is so key for creating 11:27 emotional connection. 11:28 And this is often where that 11:30 emotional disconnect happens 11:33 in relationships. 11:35 >> So those bids for connection, 11:38 when I think of a bid I think of 11:40 like an auctioneer, you know, 11:41 like, "Give me ten, give me ten 11:43 oh ten over there. 11:44 There's a bid," right? 11:45 Or "Give me 20," right? 11:46 "There's a bid." 11:47 So what are these bids for 11:49 emotional connection. 11:50 What do they look like? 11:52 >> It's an attempt to make a 11:54 connection, a positive 11:56 interaction with you. 11:57 So we make─ we may make 11:59 dozens of bids every day. 12:00 So, I mean, "Hey, Mike, did you 12:02 notice that beautiful flower as 12:04 we're driving up here?" 12:05 I mean, it's a bid just to, 12:06 "Hey, I'm interested in what 12:07 you're saying, I'm more 12:08 interested in you as a person." 12:10 So it's just constantly making 12:11 those bids for connection. 12:14 >> Mm-hmm. 12:15 Yeah, and I made a lot of bids 12:17 for support in our relationship 12:20 because I feel loved when Marlon 12:23 does things for me. 12:25 So I would say, "Oh, Honey, I 12:26 didn't get the garbage out. 12:27 Would you mind taking it out," 12:28 or, "Can you grab the laundry 12:31 out of the room so I can, and 12:32 put it in the laundry room so I 12:34 can sort the colours," you know? 12:35 So I was making a lot of bids 12:38 for support in our relationship 12:40 because of that is how I felt 12:42 loved. 12:43 You know, children, they 12:45 re-bid often. 12:47 You know, "Mommy, Daddy, Daddy, 12:49 Daddy!" 12:50 >> "Just─ I'm busy, I just have 12:51 to finish this email. 12:53 Just let me have ten minutes." 12:55 >> And they'll come back, 12:56 "Daddy, Daddy! 12:57 Come play ball with me." 12:58 >> "I told you, I'm busy. 13:00 Can you just let me finish my 13:01 work, okay?" 13:03 >> And then they'll re-bid 13:03 again: "Daddy, please!" 13:05 >> "Hey, I told you to stop 13:07 bugging me. 13:07 Go out and play, okay? 13:08 I just─ or go to your room 13:10 because I just need to work, 13:11 okay?" 13:11 >> And then the child turns away 13:13 sad, feeling rejection. 13:16 And this was me. 13:18 My children grew up seeing my 13:20 back because I was busy. 13:22 So busy doing other things 13:24 instead of turning towards them 13:27 and really hearing what they're 13:29 saying and acting 13:31 what they wanted me to do with 13:33 them or for them. 13:35 Now, as adults, we don't re-bid 13:38 like that. 13:39 We will re-bid maybe once or 13:42 twice, and honestly, I re-bidded 13:45 more than the average person. 13:47 But when we're─ our bids aren't 13:49 being turned towards, that turns 13:51 into "nagging" as adults. 13:54 So women are known for nagging. 13:58 And I always say, "Okay, 14:00 if we're turning towards each 14:02 other, nagging will not exist in 14:04 the relationship." 14:07 And it's a real game-changer 14:09 for a lot of relationships. 14:10 You realize, "Oh..." 14:12 And usually it's the men 14:14 that are not turning towards, 14:17 and the women are the ones that 14:18 are being critical and 14:20 expressing. 14:22 And some women just stop, 14:25 you know, they get to the point 14:26 where they feel like, 14:28 "I'm never turned towards. 14:30 I'm just not gonna ask anymore." 14:32 And then communication stops. 14:33 So turning, learning how to turn 14:35 towards is just crucial 14:37 in relationships. 14:39 >> So she would make a bid for 14:40 support, helping to do some, 14:41 taking out the garbage, changing 14:42 a light bulb and those kind of 14:43 things, but I would make a bid 14:45 for spending some quality time. 14:47 So, "Hey, Honey, you just wanna 14:48 come snuggle in the couch?" 14:50 And my wife would say, 14:51 "I'm too busy. 14:52 I have to get dinner made." 14:53 Or, "Hey, you wanna go for a 14:54 walk around, you know, 14:55 the field?" and... 14:56 >> I would say, "Do you wanna 14:57 eat or do you wanna go for a 14:58 walk," right? [laughs] 15:00 >> And for me, actually, 15:02 you know, the spending time was 15:03 actually more important, going 15:04 for a walk and connecting, but 15:06 to her is more important to 15:07 finish making dinner and get 15:08 everything done for the family 15:09 and get everything ready. 15:10 So my bids were a lot of focused 15:11 around, "Just come snuggle. 15:13 Let's just spend some time on 15:14 the couch, some us time." 15:16 >> And I would turn against him 15:19 because─ and then he would 15:21 do the same, right? 15:23 It was like, "You killed my cat, 15:24 I'll kill your dog," kind of 15:26 mentality. 15:27 So we just stopped turning 15:29 towards each other and then that 15:31 emotional chasm just kept 15:33 getting wider and wider and 15:35 deeper and deeper. 15:36 >> We talked about a study that 15:38 was done in Canada of how much 15:40 time are couples actually 15:42 turning towards each other 15:44 every week, and it turns out to 15:46 be 35 minutes 15:48 a week. 15:49 And that actually turning 15:51 towards each other, not just 15:52 getting things done, but 15:54 actually turning towards each 15:55 other, face to face 15:55 communication and having these 15:57 deep, intimate conversation, 15:59 35 minutes a week. 16:00 And that's very little. 16:02 So what about, like, I'm talking 16:04 about meal time. 16:06 Is that an important time when 16:07 we can actually take that time, 16:08 because we're eating anyway. 16:10 So doing that, how does that 16:12 affect turning towards or 16:13 turning away? 16:15 >> Yeah. 16:16 So meal time, there─ many 16:18 families do not spend time 16:20 eating together anymore. 16:22 It's not a what we call a ritual 16:25 connection or a love habit 16:26 anymore within the family unit. 16:29 And there's many things that, 16:31 you know, we call relationship 16:32 leaks where 16:34 there are these leaks that 16:36 get in the way of 16:38 this turning towards each other 16:40 and this spending time together. 16:43 So it's─ yeah, you're right. 16:45 Meal time is something that just 16:48 doesn't happen together 16:49 as a family. 16:50 >> Sometimes I think it's, you 16:53 know, we're saying here, you 16:55 need to make those bids and... 16:57 I think sometimes it might be 16:59 difficult, correct me if I'm 17:01 wrong, Marlon, you know, with 17:03 the coaching that the two of you 17:05 are doing, sometimes it's 17:06 difficult for a guy to pick up 17:09 that bid. 17:10 You know, sometimes we make it 17:12 subtly and it's not... 17:17 They don't pick it up. 17:18 It's not expressed and so 17:20 they miss it and that might not 17:22 be their intention 17:23 to miss the bid. 17:25 >> So are you saying something 17:26 about a bid that you've made 17:27 that I've missed? 17:28 [laughter] 17:30 >> Well, say, for instance, if I 17:32 say to Mike, because I don't 17:35 like─ I don't mind doing the 17:37 laundry, but I don't like taking 17:40 the laundry out and folding it. 17:42 It's just, you know, once it's 17:44 dry, you know, out of the dryer. 17:47 But I don't mind the process of 17:49 sorting and putting it in and 17:50 putting it into the dryer, but I 17:52 don't like taking it out and 17:54 folding because there's so many 17:56 other things to do, because my 17:57 language, like yours, Doreen, 17:59 is very high on acts of service. 18:01 And so there's always 18:03 stuff to do. 18:03 [DOREEN] That's right. 18:04 >> And so let's say, for 18:06 instance, I would make a subtle 18:07 bid like... 18:10 "Did you hear...was that the 18:12 buzzer that went off 18:13 on the dryer?" 18:14 >> "Yeah, yeah. 18:15 Would you like me to go and 18:16 fold the laundry?" 18:18 >> So that was very subtle, 18:20 you know, and yet he picked 18:22 it up, but someone else might 18:24 not pick up as─ 18:26 a bid as subtle 18:28 as that and might not hear it. 18:29 >> Because you've trained me 18:30 very well. 18:31 [laughter] 18:32 [MARLON] Or sometimes we choose 18:34 to ignore it because "Why don't 18:37 you just be direct with me and 18:38 ask what you want?" 18:39 So it's actually, sometimes when 18:40 she was subtle, it actually kind 18:41 of irritated me. 18:42 "So, okay, well just ask if you 18:43 want something." 18:44 So I would ignore it. 18:45 So if she asked me, so when she 18:46 asked about, "Is that the 18:47 buzzer?" I would just 18:49 ignore it and it's like, well... 18:50 >> Most men say, "I want my wife 18:52 to be direct with me, you know, 18:54 so that I am not 18:56 missing the bid." 18:57 So they have to have this 18:58 conversation because many 19:00 couples are not aware of what 19:02 bids look like in their 19:03 relationship. 19:04 They're missing them. 19:05 And once they miss them, many 19:07 times it's a lost opportunity 19:09 because then more distance is 19:12 created within the relationship. 19:14 >> Or even you could turn 19:15 against that bid. 19:17 "Yes, I heard the buzzer 19:18 on the dryer. 19:19 Would you go get up and get it? 19:20 It's annoying me during the 19:21 middle of the game." 19:22 >> Yeah, exactly. 19:23 And discovering what turning 19:25 against looks like. 19:27 So in every relationship, 19:28 turning against looks different. 19:30 Turning away looks different. 19:32 So having that heart to heart 19:34 conversation to discover and 19:35 uncover, what do bids look like 19:38 in my relationship? 19:40 And what does turning away from 19:42 the bid look like? 19:43 What does turning against? 19:45 So often turning against couples 19:47 will say is contempt. 19:50 Right? 19:51 So they kind of go hand in hand 19:54 here. 19:54 So that's really important. 19:56 So a bid could be as simple as, 19:58 "Oh, look at the beautiful 19:59 flower." 20:01 >> "Yes, I love─ 20:02 that is beautiful." 20:03 >> Or, "Oh did─" we're driving 20:04 in the car, "Did you see? 20:07 That was a black swan 20:09 on the pond." 20:10 And by the time he turns or 20:12 decides to turn, he missed the 20:14 opportunity to turn towards 20:15 the bid. 20:16 >> Or "Could you help me make 20:17 dinner tonight?" 20:18 >> Yes, it can look like 20:19 many things. 20:20 You know, "My shoes are so 20:22 dirty, how do I get them white 20:24 again? 20:25 You know, my white runners." 20:27 So it could be so many different 20:29 ways a bid can look like. 20:31 [RENÉ] Can you tell us 20:33 more about accepting that bid, 20:36 but maybe accepting it 20:39 enthusiastically instead of 20:41 not being enthusiastic about the 20:43 bid, because that can also... 20:47 ...create a problem, right, 20:48 create turning against 20:50 in the end, if you're not as 20:52 enthusiastic. 20:53 >> And that actually happened in 20:54 our relationship, often. 20:56 [DOREEN] A lot. 20:57 [MARLON] A lot. 20:58 So for example, I would say, 20:59 "Hey, Honey, hey, would you like 21:01 to go for a hike in the 21:02 mountains tomorrow? 21:03 It's gonna be really sunny and 21:04 it'd be fun to go out." 21:05 >> "Sure. 21:06 Let's go..." 21:08 >> "Sure...so don't sound 21:09 like you really wanna go." 21:11 >> "Yes, let's go. 21:12 You wanna go, let's go." 21:13 >> "I know I wanna go, 21:14 but it doesn't sound like 21:15 you wanna go." 21:16 >> "Yes, let's go!" 21:17 >> "Well, no. 21:18 If you're gonna have that 21:19 attitude, I don't wanna go." 21:21 >> "Ugh, you're so difficult." 21:23 >> "Well..." yeah. 21:24 So you can see, yeah, you can 21:25 see how I just didn't sense that 21:27 she really wanted to go. 21:28 "I'll go if you wanna go," 21:29 right, "Eh, well..." 21:31 So she was not interested so she 21:32 wasn't very enthusiastically 21:33 about that bid, so I just─ 21:35 at the end of the day I really 21:36 wanna go because, you know, 21:37 sometimes you do it, you go out 21:38 in the mountains and one person 21:39 just kinda of, "Are we done 21:40 yet?" or you're not enjoying 21:42 the time. 21:42 So what's a better way of doing 21:43 that, Honey? 21:44 I might say, "Hey, Honey, would 21:45 you like to go for a hike 21:46 tomorrow in the mountains? 21:47 Supposed to be really sunny and 21:48 beautiful." 21:48 >> Oh, yeah, it's supposed to be 21:49 a great day. 21:50 Let's go." 21:51 >> "Mmm, okay, so what if we got 21:52 up at, like, 7 a.m. and we get 21:53 out there early before 21:54 the traffic?" 21:55 >> "Oh...7 a.m.? 21:57 You know, it's our sleep-in day. 21:59 Maybe could we leave at nine, 22:01 just sleep in a little longer?" 22:02 >> "Okay, why don't we do that. 22:02 And then maybe we can take a 22:03 lunch and we could eat on top of 22:04 the mountain. 22:05 That would be beautiful." 22:06 >> "Yeah, what kind of sandwich 22:07 would you like?" 22:08 >> "Ahh, how about some peanut 22:09 butter and honey sandwiches? 22:10 Because you're the peanut butter 22:11 that sticks us together." 22:13 >> Oh... [laughs] 22:15 >> "Okay, I will make you your 22:16 peanut butter and honey 22:17 sandwich." 22:18 >> "And then maybe on the way 22:19 home, maybe we could go stop at 22:21 your favourite restaurant in 22:22 Canmore." 22:23 >> "That would be wonderful. 22:24 You know how much I love 22:25 that place." 22:26 >> Mmm, thank you. 22:27 I'm looking forward to this." 22:28 >> So what I'm seeing is a real 22:31 high positivity to negativity 22:33 ratio here. 22:34 There's almost no negativity 22:36 and when that comes in, 22:37 it dampens things. 22:39 So positivity has─ how high 22:40 should it be? 22:41 Kind of a final question. 22:42 We're coming to the end of our 22:44 time together, so... 22:45 >> So Gottmans show─ share that 22:48 if you, in a regular 22:49 relationship or a normal 22:50 conversation or interactions, it 22:51 should be a 20 to 1 positive 22:53 interactions to negative 22:54 interactions. 22:55 And then even during conflict, 22:57 if we can maintain that 5 to 1 23:00 ratio... 23:00 >> Even during conflict? 23:01 [MARLON] Even during conflict, 23:02 to keep that positive, which I 23:04 know is very hard, right? 23:05 How can I be positive 23:06 in that conflict? 23:08 But it's easy to be─ simply, I 23:09 could give a smile or 23:11 an appropriate positive 23:14 sense of humour. 23:15 >> Yes, or touch. 23:17 [MARLON] That works for me. 23:18 >> And just validating, 23:20 you know, that the person is 23:21 being heard that sharing what 23:24 they're saying that, yeah, I 23:25 understand how you could feel 23:27 that way. 23:27 We miss this validation, which 23:29 is so key to learn to validate 23:32 so each other feel like they're 23:34 being heard and that what 23:36 they're saying, that we're 23:37 important to each other. 23:39 You know, when we first start 23:40 dating, you know, if you go on a 23:42 date and that person doesn't ask 23:44 you questions and doesn't wanna 23:45 get to know you, you feel like, 23:48 "Oh, I'm not that important to 23:49 them," so you probably aren't 23:50 gonna have a second date 23:51 with them. 23:52 But as the relationship matures, 23:54 we can do the same thing 23:56 and make each other feel 23:57 unimportant in that way. 24:01 >> Maybe we should 24:02 never stop dating. 24:03 [DOREEN] That's right. 24:04 [MARLON] Actually, that's─ in 24:05 our relationship, that's what 24:05 we said. 24:06 You know, we weren't very good 24:07 at marriage for 24 years, but 24:08 dating, we're awesome and we're 24:09 still dating and we've been on a 24:11 honeymoon for the last 10, 11 24:12 years, and we continue to have a 24:14 date every week. 24:15 >> You have a date night 24:16 every week? 24:17 [MARLON] Yes. 24:18 [DOREEN] We do. 24:18 >> Did you...did you hear that? 24:19 >> That's good. 24:20 [laughter] 24:21 We'll take that up. 24:22 [laughter] 24:25 >> So, Marlon and Doreen, we've 24:27 come to the end of our time 24:29 together. 24:30 But before we let you go, I 24:32 wonder if you can pray for our 24:34 viewers out there. 24:35 There might be some of them that 24:37 are struggling with these key 24:38 components of really getting to 24:41 know each other and affirming 24:43 each other and appreciating each 24:46 other, and even missing those 24:48 bids and not turning towards 24:50 each other and accepting 24:51 influence from them─ from 24:53 each other. 24:54 So I wonder if you could pray 24:55 for our viewers. 24:56 >> Mmm, yes. 24:58 Dear Heavenly Father, 25:00 we just want to pray for each of 25:01 we just want to pray for each of 25:02 the viewers here today. 25:04 And, Lord, if there's─ 25:05 if they've become roommates 25:07 and they're not necessarily 25:08 turning towards each other or 25:10 they're not building that 25:11 friendship by building love 25:13 maps, or if they're not getting 25:14 to express that fondness and 25:16 admiration with each other. 25:18 Lord, I just ask that You would 25:20 just inspire them to turn 25:21 towards and start expressing 25:23 fondness and admiration towards 25:25 each other. 25:26 [DOREEN] And, Lord, I just pray 25:28 that You will help the couples 25:30 that are in this place in their 25:32 relationship where they maybe 25:33 feel hopeless and they feel like 25:36 they're at gridlock and no 25:38 matter what they try to do, they 25:41 feel like it's just not working. 25:43 That they will just take the 25:45 chance to be vulnerable, 25:47 to share their feelings and 25:49 their needs, and to turn, just 25:51 one of them to turn towards the 25:53 other and start a new journey of 25:55 rebuilding friendship. 25:57 We pray this in Your name, amen. 25:59 [ALL] Amen. 26:00 >> Marlon and Doreen, thank you 26:02 so very much for coming again 26:04 and sharing with us on It Is 26:05 Written Canada. 26:06 >> We really enjoyed our time 26:07 here, thank you. 26:08 >> Thank you. 26:10 >> Friends, we live in 26:11 challenging times. 26:13 Our lives are saturated by 26:15 information, activities, 26:18 and senseless expectations. 26:21 So the stresses of life make 26:23 healthy relationships more 26:25 difficult to achieve 26:27 and sustain. 26:30 Our free offer for you is 26:33 Hope For Today's Families. 26:36 [MIKE] Husbands and wives, as 26:38 well as parents and children and 26:39 other family members, live under 26:41 the same roof, but tend to 26:43 communicate poorly at best. 26:47 Many want the stability of a 26:49 strong family life but don't 26:51 know how to attain it. 26:54 >> Hope For Today's Families 26:56 will help you build strong 26:58 relationships with those 26:59 around you, 27:01 show how husbands and wives can 27:03 draw closer emotionally, 27:05 spiritually, financially, 27:08 and intellectually. 27:10 >> And help you communicate more 27:12 effectively, understand and heal 27:14 the roots of violence, prevent 27:16 distress and divorce, or live 27:19 happily as a single person. 27:23 >> Before you go, we would like 27:25 to thank all of you who have 27:26 supported the ministry of It Is 27:28 Written Canada with your prayers 27:31 and financial contributions. 27:34 Without your support, this 27:36 television ministry could not 27:38 have reached so many people for 27:41 so many decades. 27:44 >> Yes, thank you. 27:45 And we would like to invite you 27:47 to follow us on Instagram and 27:48 Facebook and subscribe to our 27:50 YouTube channel and also 27:52 listen to our podcasts. 27:55 And if you go to our website, 27:57 you can see our latest programs. 28:01 >> Friends, to be honest, Jesus 28:03 is offering you a life that is 28:05 beyond our ongoing struggles 28:08 with the pain, suffering, and 28:10 sorrows of this life. 28:13 We would like to recommend 28:15 you open the Bible 28:17 where it is recorded that Jesus 28:19 Himself found His assurance to 28:22 defeat the Devil through the 28:24 Word of His Father 28:26 when He declared... 28:39 [gentle uplifting music playin] 28:42 ♪♪ |
Revised 2024-10-24